How to survive a divorce - effective advice from a psychologist

Divorce for a woman who dotes on her beloved husband becomes a disaster. Often, representatives of the fair sex cannot start life anew. And when divorcing her husband, in this case, a woman needs a psychologist or qualified psychological help.

As a rule, only the lady herself can overcome the consequences in such a situation. Your loved ones won't be much help here. But the psychologist’s advice on how to survive a divorce from your husband helps restore peace of mind. They are based on consistent actions that help you understand, accept the situation, and finally let it go. And this is exactly what is needed in the case of a severe psychological condition.

To accept, you must first understand. So why do people get divorced?

The essence of consulting a family psychologist

The purpose of family psychological counseling is to solve problems in family relationships.
In particular, family psychologists (having received higher professional education and sufficient qualifications) can teach you how to communicate effectively with your spouse without leading to conflicts, and how to strengthen your conflict resolution skills so that minor disagreements do not develop into catastrophic disputes. Ultimately, the main goal of family counseling is to help identify the cause of the problem that has arisen in the relationship, including (but not limited to): infidelity and jealousy, addiction, loss of intimacy, frequent quarrels and conflicts, problems in raising children.

In a situation where a family is on the verge of divorce, the help of a psychologist is based on clear pre- and post-divorce counseling strategies that can help you successfully navigate this process.

An outburst of negativity and aggression

Don't suppress aggression. How to survive a divorce as a pregnant woman and maintain peace of mind:

learn to express anger differently;
restrain yourself from negative outbursts towards your ex-lover;
take care of yourself and the health of your unborn baby.

But any woman going through a divorce goes through a stage of aggression. However, it arises where there is no way out for grief. It’s better to relax, let yourself cry as much as you like, vent to your friends, and experience the suffering. The more it is suppressed, the more anger arises.

Why contact a divorce psychologist?

Marriage and divorce are two of the most important events in a person’s life. The main difference between the two is that divorce can be extremely painful for everyone involved and often negatively affects the health and subsequent lives of the ex-husband and wife and their children.

If we talk about statistical data, in Russia almost 50% of marriages end in divorce, and a third of all divorces occur during the first five years of marriage. Often, divorce, no matter how peaceful it may be, is a very stressful event that changes the subsequent lives of its participants. The volume of legal, emotional, financial and everyday problems that need to be resolved can be overwhelming and overwhelming. Additionally, the idea of creating a completely new life can seem daunting and paralyzing.

A divorce therapist can guide your ex-husband or wife or couple through this painful and uncertain time while giving you the tools you need to move forward in a positive and healthy way. In addition, he can teach you how to resume a fulfilling life after divorce and minimize the impact on your children. He can also help you understand why your relationship fell apart so that you don't repeat your mistakes in the future and can build a happy family. In other words, the help of a psychologist during a divorce consists of providing support, developing practical recommendations depending on the specific case, the desired goals and the person who asked for help.

Acceptance and awareness

The first stage is the most difficult. The girl plunges into a state of shock and refuses to believe that the marriage has broken up. The following appear in turn:

anger;
anger;
aggression;
hatred.

The stage is characterized by attempts to restore communication, then the longest stage begins - immersion in depression. Only in the last place does acceptance come.

Advice! Whatever feelings a woman experiences, she must accept them and give herself time to calm down. The more one resists emotions, the longer the stage will be.

How does a psychologist help during divorce?

A psychologist’s help during a divorce can be aimed at (in order of stages):

preventing divorce if a couple wants to maintain family relationships, restore lost trust, return the husband or wife to the family, establish interaction and communication, or cope with the cause of divorce (infidelity, violence or manipulation, addiction, etc.);

helping a man or woman understand whether a divorce is worth it in a particular situation, and make a conscious and reasonable decision;
assistance from a psychologist during divorce, aimed at reducing the aggressiveness and conflict of (former) spouses for the most painless separation and resolution of issues related to it. Takes the form of psychological mediation/mediation;
helping a man or woman survive a divorce, cope with grief or depression due to a separation that has already happened, and also establish a new life;

helping the father or mother, who continue to be parents after a divorce, to fulfill parental responsibilities, including helping children survive the divorce (minimize its negative impact) and continue to live, which can often be an extremely difficult task in the absence of normal interaction between former spouses;
psychological help for a man or woman after a divorce who could not cope with it correctly and faced depression or unsuccessful attempts to start a new relationship or alcoholism or prolonged grief or difficulties in raising children/teenagers, other consequences of divorce.

At each stage of divorce, consultation with a psychologist can be family or individual, depending on the goals of psychological assistance and existing opportunities.

Common causes of divorce

The reasons for divorce are different. But it is important to identify among them those that cause a woman a lot of pain.

Divorce at the request of the man himself. Any reasons (another woman, cooled love, new hostility, etc.). In this case, the wife suffers very much. Her self-esteem drops (“I was abandoned”). Perhaps she did not expect anything like this at all, and then this misfortune still falls out of the blue.
Divorce initiated by a woman. The reasons are different (the inability to tolerate infidelity, bad habits of the husband, etc.). Here, too, there can be a situation of stress, especially if a woman is forced to take this step, but she still loves her husband or is simply used to it and cannot imagine her life without a man.

If everything went as usual towards a divorce in their life together, then the wife is usually more or less ready for such a turn of events, and it no longer causes her pain and grief. But if the separation occurs unexpectedly, then the woman needs to be helped to survive this period. Here it is important to know and understand the sequence of awareness of the events taking place.

Help from a psychologist before divorce

A divorce psychologist can teach a husband and wife how to effectively communicate and behave as you try to sort out the emotional, domestic, or financial issues that often accompany divorce. A family therapist can also help you decide whether you really want to get a divorce and whether it is necessary. In other words, this professional can help you decide whether your marriage can actually be saved.

Keep in mind that if you have children, they may also need professional help from a psychologist to minimize the negative impact of divorce on their psyche, behavior, health and future life.

Psychological assistance to a divorced family with children comes down to resolving any problems with raising children related to divorce, including recommendations on how to tell children about the upcoming divorce in such a way as to cause them the least trauma and emotional pain; how to interact with your ex-spouse to keep your children’s psyches healthy; targeted assistance for increased aggressiveness and conflict, enuresis in children, nervous tics, neurodermatitis and other psychosomatic disorders against the background of parental divorce.

Pre-divorce counseling also helps to identify and resolve any conflicting and/or confusing feelings related to the divorce. This form of counseling also aims to teach “coping” strategies that you can use during difficult and stressful situations.

Psychological features of divorce

Psychologists note that divorce in most cases threatens ex-spouses of both sexes with severe stress. It is necessary to take into account the possibility of not only negative, but also positive consequences.

Psychologists note the following features as positive aspects of divorce:

Onerous obligations towards a marriage partner disappear - a person becomes free from marital ties, which can cause positive emotions in this regard;
improved health – physical freedom can cause a decrease in nervous tension, which will immediately affect the overall tone of the body;
financial independence - this is especially true for men, who in most cases support a family;
a favorable environment for the child - if life in the family was accompanied by constant quarrels and scandals, after a divorce these factors will no longer have an adverse effect;
the possibility of a new relationship - although psychologists do not advise rushing to find a replacement for your ex-spouse.

But negative aspects can have an adverse effect:

a feeling of loneliness and not being needed - this is especially typical for women who have spent most of their lives in marriage, and who find it difficult to imagine what to do after a breakup;
financial problems - these difficulties will hit those who shifted most of the material issues onto the shoulders of their marriage partner more sensitively;
negative attitude of others - many people care about what friends and relatives think of them, especially if they have to return to their parents’ home;
difficulties with raising a child who will live in a single-parent family;
the emergence of a feeling of resentment towards the spouse for the pain caused;
fear of the new, fear of the unknown.

Despite the positive aspects of divorce, psychologists note that most negative factors most often come to the fore, poisoning future life.

Note! According to psychologists, divorce has both a negative and a positive side.

Help from a psychologist after divorce

Regardless of the reason, the end of a long-term relationship disrupts routine and often causes deep-seated negative emotions, including sadness, stress, grief, and even depression.

For many, “life after divorce” may seem even more difficult than before the separation: after all, although unhappy, such a familiar present often seems less frightening than an uncertain future.

Psychological counseling after divorce is aimed at helping you cope with the consequences of divorce. The specific nature of psychological assistance here is largely determined by what stage of the divorce experience you are at and what problems you have encountered. This can range from helping you overcome depression, deep grief, to increasing your self-esteem and self-confidence, as well as accepting reality so that you can restore your normal life and, if you want, build a new happy relationship.

Family psychologists also help you deal with any residual feelings you have for your ex-husband or ex-wife in a healthy and productive way so that you don't bottle them up and contribute to psychosomatic health problems.

Honestly, it's common for people (especially those who have been married for many years) to face a lack of understanding of who they really are outside of marriage and try to rebuild their lives from virtually their ashes, sometimes forcing themselves to move on. However, it is the most productive way to take care of yourself.

Why do we feel bad after a breakup, from a scientific point of view?

Difficult experiences after separation or divorce are caused by hormonal changes. To understand what happens to the body after a breakup, you need to understand how physiology changes during falling in love. Each stage of falling in love is accompanied by certain physiological processes:

Attraction.
The amount of testosterone increases. This is a sex hormone that is synthesized in the testes (in men), ovaries (in women), and the adrenal cortex (in both sexes). It increases libido (desire) and is responsible for the feeling of "butterflies in the stomach." Getting over a breakup at this stage is relatively easy.
Love.
The concentration of dopamine in the blood increases. This is the hormone of joy and pleasure. It is produced by the adrenal glands and the brain. It triggers a “reward system” - being near the desired object, a person experiences a lot of pleasure.
The production of cortisol (stress hormone produced by the adrenal cortex) increases - under normal circumstances it regulates the expression of aggression and promotes awakening from sleep. However, if a person is in love, it provokes a frantic release of energy and the body goes into a stressful state. This explains the rapid pulse, a storm of emotions and the desire to dance after the first meetings with the object of desire.
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An increase in norepinephrine (produced by the adrenal medulla) ensures the reinforcement of the “reward system,” as if “imprinting” the image of a loved one into the subconscious. In addition, norepinephrine is a hormone of happiness and relief. Helps fight stress and provides emotional release. Therefore, admiring a photo of the object of passion, your mood rises, internal strength appears, and problems fade into the background.
Simultaneously with these processes, the level of serotonin decreases - also a hormone of happiness, produced in the brain. Because of this, a person in love loses sleep, may become depressed, and suffer from obsessive thoughts. At this stage, it seems to a person that it is easier to die than to survive a breakup.
Attachment.
If the feelings are mutual and the relationship is built, the level of the stress hormone (cortisol) decreases, and the amount of serotonin increases. The production of the hormone oxytocin also increases, especially during physical contact. Oxytocin is a “love hormone” that is produced in the hypothalamus (a part of the brain) and is responsible for tenderness, trust, and the desire to protect or care for a loved one (maternal instinct). A feeling of security, calm, and unity appears on an emotional level. Experiences due to separation or divorce at this stage are the strongest; psychological help is almost always required.
When a relationship breaks down, a severe hormonal imbalance occurs in the body. The “reward system” stops working, and strong anxiety and a feeling of dissatisfaction arises. At first, the concentration of dopamine remains at a high level, which supports the strongest motivation to return the object of love, to improve relationships by any means. But when concentration drops, depression and apathy set in. A large amount of stress hormones are released into the blood.
Dopamine “withdrawal” begins and the person tries to weaken it with the help of alcohol, drugs, and promiscuous sex. Which ultimately only increases the imbalance.

How to understand whether you need the help of a psychologist in connection with a divorce

While many people cope with divorce on their own, some people experience such significant harm from divorce that coping with the loss can feel overwhelming. And like any major life change, divorce can affect every aspect of your life, from your emotional well-being to your physical health.

Seeking advice from a divorce counselor is an important step in self-help when you are unable to cope with the pain of divorce. Although grief can vary in severity, there are some general signs that you need professional help:

Problems falling asleep and staying asleep
Self-hatred or feelings of disappointment
Feeling that you are not worthy of love or happiness
Sudden weight loss or weight gain (from 1 kg per month)
Social avoidance or social isolation
Loss of interest in activities you previously enjoyed
Uncontrollable anger and rage
Chronic or long-term depression
Suicidal thoughts or attempts
Worry or anxiety that interferes with your daily activities.

More serious health problems, disorders before, during or after divorce require the help of a psychotherapist or family therapist .

The severity of depressive and anxiety symptoms can be assessed using a self-diagnosis test .

They often say that things will get better with time. It’s not time that heals, but the right actions and necessary changes.

How to survive a breakup with a loved one - what not to do

Don't blame yourself

A relationship is an interaction between two people. Therefore, both partners are to blame for the separation. You cannot be absolutely sinless or guilty in everything. Just as you shouldn’t blame yourself for wanting to be happy.

Don't try to get your partner back

Memories of good moments push you to try to win your partner back. But this is a lie. It won't be like before. If a person decides to break off a relationship, then he no longer feels the need to make his partner happy. And self-deception will certainly result in new pain and disappointment.

Don't fill your inner emptiness with a series of new partners

The principle of “knocking out fire with fire” in relationships does not work. Destructive ways of dealing with stress only cause harm. You need to truly let go of the past in order to be able to experience happiness again.

Don't try to drown out the melancholy with food, stimulants and alcohol

Bad habits will not help you survive grief. But they will provoke the development of addiction, which will only worsen the situation and increase the number of problems.

Don't be interested in your ex-lover's life

To get over a breakup faster, you don't need to live in the past. This stage has been passed, it’s time to turn the page. You cannot give in to temptation and follow the life of your ex-partner. It is necessary to concentrate all efforts on building your future.

Dividing gender roles and divorce

Who is the head of the family? Clarification of this issue has destroyed more than one couple. After all, situational leadership is a talent, to recognize another’s role, to change roles if it is so necessary in life. Role flexibility? But we are so unbending, this is what the Motherland and the Party taught and teach us!

At the same time, such a statement is considered the norm, and I would not argue with it: a man should be able to provide for his family. This is really true, because when a woman is pregnant and raising a baby up to three years old, a man needs to somehow earn money for all this.

But the opposite is also true: a woman must somehow be able to provide for her family herself! This is what happens if a man gets sick, has an accident, God forbid, goes to prison, or some other misfortune. Helplessness during pregnancy means two to three months before giving birth and up to three years - limited opportunities. Moreover, they are objectively limited, and anyone, not even a psychologist, will tell you that you need to somehow restructure and devote more time to the child, and not to business, and not to work.

Flexibility of gender roles, who is more man and who is more woman, this is not our method! It is in rotten Europe that people can change roles, when in order to survive the family this should be done. We are not in Europe: there are still Scythians, horses and burning huts all around.

Presence in the present

Whether a woman experiences a divorce on her own initiative or at the decision of a man, she is making a global mistake - she is in the past.

Honeymoon in a wonderful place, tender feelings.
Dates, night walks, trips to a restaurant.
Quarrels, scandals, moving to parents.
Traveling together, happy moments.

But all this is already behind us, we need to put an end to the past - it no longer exists. It’s hard to return to the present, to be present in it. But only life in the “here and now” format will help you survive a difficult life situation.

Advice! Divorce hurts both partners, no matter who initiated it. The main thing is to forgive yourself and learn to move on.

Features of helping women

Psychological assistance for a woman during divorce has its own characteristics and often turns out to be much more complex and lengthy than similar therapy for men. This is due to many aspects, primarily social ones. In our country, the “traditional family” model is highly valued, and therefore certain behavioral stereotypes are imposed on girls from an early age.

This entails many consequences, as a result of which a woman, already in adulthood, finding herself in a situation of divorce, finds herself in an endless circle of self-blame and censure from others. Both the ex-wife herself and the people around her use the following accusatory stereotypes:

If a man cheated, then this is normal, because he is a male. If a woman cheats, then she is spoiled. Here, many analogies are usually given, either with the animal world or with household utensils and tools.
If a man cheated, then his woman is to blame, because she was not good enough and diligent. In this case, it is not customary to blame the man, because in accordance with the first point, he is a polygamous creature and is mortally bored with one wife.
A woman must earn money, because she is not a dependent, and at the same time do all the housework, because she is the keeper of the hearth. Fatigue, lack of time and energy - these are all excuses for lazy people.
If a woman is abandoned by her husband, then she automatically goes into the status of a used thing, because a woman should only have one man (we turn again to point one). And after separation, the wife must commit ritual hara-kiri, because the “divorced woman” is not good enough to simply continue to enjoy life.

In addition, such a family model assumes this very family as the only and main occupation of a woman, even if she has work, hobbies and friends. Therefore, it is not surprising that after breaking up with her husband (no matter how unhealthy, toxic and painful the relationship may be), a woman is faced with the censure of others and self-accusation.

Another important point: children after divorce often remain with their mother. The feeling of overwhelming responsibility, a sudden multiple increase in workload, the label of a single mother, the fear of remaining alone and unwanted forever is a terrible stress for any woman.

Even if the feelings between partners have faded, it is extremely difficult to get out of painful experiences with such a public opinion. Almost every woman needs psychological help during divorce in order to avoid catastrophic consequences for her life and health.

A man also often needs psychological help during a divorce, but men do not have the same social pressure as women. Of course, if a man experiences severe mental suffering, symptoms of depression, or cannot come to terms with the loss of his wife, he equally needs the help of a psychologist, for example, Nikita Valerievich Baturin.