“Don’t beat yourself up!” How to cope with suspiciousness: advice from psychologists

• August 1, 2019
• Psychology of Personality
• Ekaterina Gordeeva

Sometimes you hear from relatives and close friends: “Stop beating yourself up.” It's easy to say. But what to do when all sorts of different thoughts about the future pop into your head, and they are far from joyful?

There is a category of people who take everything to heart. Such individuals tend to worry about everything. They take many things too seriously. Therefore, they are often told: “Don’t push yourself.” So, how can you avoid this “overthinking”? This and much more is written in the article.

Why is this happening?

Sometimes in a specific situation a person begins to panic. “Stop it, don’t screw it up!” - you beg yourself, but it’s of little use. The thoughts become even more overwhelming. Why is this happening?

From ignorance of the future in the first place. The second point is excitement. And the third is fear, inherent in every person.

Let's give an example. The child is studying at the institute. He should have been home a long time ago. But I still haven't arrived. Doesn't answer calls. What thoughts come into parents' heads? The worst. I want to drop everything and run in search of my son. It’s dark outside, the child doesn’t know where he is. And it doesn’t occur to the mother that the phone could be dead, and the child was delayed at the institute. She is visited by terrible thoughts: something happened, she got into an accident or was hit by a car.

But in fact, an over-aged child went on a spree with his classmates. Mom got nervous, working herself up to the fullest. Why did she cultivate terrible thoughts? Out of worry for your child. Perhaps the example given is not the best. Any mother will worry when she doesn’t know what’s wrong with her child.

Be wise

In order for your life to become much better and to stop worrying and inflating emotions, you need to treat it correctly and be wise.
There are wise, well-known guidelines. And there is no need to treat them with disdain. They really help a lot.

A correct worldview seems to calm the ego psyche, puts it in its place, and we actually begin to worry less. Thanks to them, our soul seems to wake up and spread its wings. You probably felt this yourself when you unconsciously followed these guidelines, when you had a so-called uplift in spirit, all the negativity went away, and your vital energy increased. At such moments, you just want to enjoy life, create, do the right, non-selfish actions.

This happens because the soul, where beautiful feelings reside, has suppressed and eclipsed the egoistic whims of the ego.

The ego, having subsided, stops generating negative emotions, we stop beating ourselves up. The energy that was previously spent on bad emotions is freed, and now it can be directed to the right actions. Consciousness is cleared, we begin to think soberly. You see how everything is interconnected. Do you get the point?

These are the settings:

A happy person is not the one who only has good events in his life, but the one who has the right attitude towards everything that happens to him.

Accept any event in your life calmly and with dignity. If trouble or trouble happens, then it’s necessary. Such is fate. This means life wants to show you something, teach you.

Everything in life cannot be good; there will be difficulties and failures.

Difficulties build character and make you stronger.

After a black streak in life there will definitely be a white one. If you do not accept difficult times in your life and get upset, then the bad streak will last longer.

Also accept any feeling within yourself, even if they are unpleasant. Don't be afraid of your fears. Learn to look at them without running away from them.

And other wise attitudes that I often talk about on this blog.

But for some reason everyone knows these sayings, but as soon as problems fall on a person, he forgets about them and again makes mistakes for which he has to pay.

The thing is that a person usually has them simply in his mind. But you just need to feel them, understand the deep meaning. Only then will they remain in the subconscious and at a difficult moment they will come out of there and save the situation.

To do this, close your eyes and slowly speak these settings. Feel them with your soul, understand the inner meaning.

Well, in order to finally get rid of the wounded experiences, you need to learn to control them. What are we going to do now?

Example

This example from the category of “don’t cheat” is more understandable than the previous one.

My husband is late from work. And the wife sits and thinks that he is with his mistress. Why such a thought? From self-doubt. The wife is afraid of losing her soul mate, and she lacks confidence. So she begins to think that her dear husband has found a replacement for her.

Then he comes home, his wife starts a scandal. The psyche cannot withstand the excitement, it is necessary to discharge. Let off steam on the object that caused her this suffering.

What's the point? She came up with it herself, got offended, and then yelled at her husband. Isn't it easier to fight your own suspiciousness? How?! More on this below.

Why we get nervous: the main causes of nervousness

Have you ever wondered why some people are able to remain calm and cool in stressful situations, while others are not? There are three main reasons for increased nervousness, let's look at them.

Features of the nervous system

According to the theory of Academician Pavlov, the human nervous system is of two types - strong and weak. Strong is characterized by endurance and high performance. Human nerve cells with this type are able to withstand strong or prolonged excitation without going into a state of inhibition.

A weak nervous system cannot boast of such endurance. But it is distinguished by hypersensitivity and is able to respond to impulses that a strong nervous system will not even notice. For example, distinguish the subtlest shades of colors and nuances of human emotions.

The strength of the nervous system is an innate indicator, like eye color or ear size. It underlies the division of people into temperaments. Sanguine, choleric, and phlegmatic people have a strong nervous system, while melancholic people have a weak one.

As you probably already guessed, those with a weak nervous system get nervous more often and more intensely. So if you are melancholic, it is in your nature to be nervous and stressed for any reason. However, you can significantly reduce the manifestations of your nervousness if you follow our tips.

Hyperresponsibility

This character trait can turn even a representative of the calmest temperament into a bundle of nerves. How does it manifest itself? A person greatly exaggerates his sphere of influence and takes on a lot of unnecessary things. The psyche cannot cope with such a burden and reacts with nervousness and irritability.

I suggest you take a short test to determine how strongly this quality is expressed in you. Read the following statements and mark which ones apply to you.

1. When you are one-on-one with a person, you feel responsible for their mood.
2. You always try to plan everything in advance down to the smallest detail.
3. You panic in situations where you need to entrust your life to someone. For example, while flying on an airplane.
4. You like to be in control.
5. You often criticize people for doing something wrong.
6. You feel guilty before a person who likes you if you cannot reciprocate his feelings.
7. You spend a lot of effort trying to make a good impression on everyone.

If more than half of the statements correspond to you, then you are prone to hyper-responsibility. You urgently need to learn healthy not giving a fuck. After all, nervousness is not the only consequence of this personality trait. Hyper-responsibility can provoke the development of panic attacks. Pay special attention to the first three tips below.

And if you already suffer from panic attacks, I advise you to read our article “How to get rid of panic attacks.”

Overwork

Working exhaustively without rest has a bad effect on both physical and psychological health. If lately you have begun to react painfully to everything, get irritated over trifles, everything has started to infuriate you and drive you crazy, think about rest.

Just two weeks away from the hustle and bustle will help you get your nerves in order and start living a full life. Do not neglect rest in pursuit of money, otherwise you will later have to spend this money on restoring damaged health.

help yourself

What does it mean to “twist yourself”? This means inventing something for yourself that does not exist. People work themselves up out of excitement, fear and suspiciousness. And others - out of resentment.

Surely everyone is familiar with the situation: there is, for example, a person in a team. Good to everyone, but terribly touchy. If you tell him something about work, expect trouble. He will immediately get upset and say that he is not appreciated, it’s time to retire (or quit, depending on his age). And then he goes around sulking all day.

What to do if you recognize yourself in such a person? Try to understand that the problem is not with the people around us. They don’t really have anything against us, and they make kind comments. It's better to have a colleague make a remark about work than a boss. The latter will not stand on ceremony, he will call you “on the carpet” and go ahead.

Listen to what your colleagues say. And don’t blame them, it’s better to watch yourself carefully. Perhaps the work was done carelessly? According to the “bugger-bugger” principle? It is not surprising that colleagues made a remark.

In general, be attentive to yourself. Watch your actions and actions.

Watch

Did you know that mindless rumination and being caught up in negative thoughts is a major cause of anxiety disorder and depression? (Which, in turn, are the most common mental disorders)

Observe your thoughts and try to understand what exactly you are distracted by, and then return your focus to your work, breathing or sensations in general. Note that this is the exact opposite of trying to suppress your thoughts.

Depressing thoughts

How to stop giving yourself bad thoughts? Sit down and think about what I can change in a specific situation.

Let's return to the described situation with the husband and mistress. Let's say that the spouse holds a leadership position. He has a secretary. If you really can’t wait, call him at work and ask to speak with him. If your husband left the workplace, you will know. As well as about an unscheduled meeting.

The husband left the office, but he is not home yet, and the phone is not answering. The device could be discharged, or the other half turned it off. There may be traffic jams on the roads, look at how congested the road is on which your spouse always goes home.

There are no traffic jams. He's definitely with his mistress! Not at all, I went to the store and decided to buy something tasty for dinner.

Think this way instead of being nervous.

Leave yourself reminders

Let's not deceive ourselves: it won't be easy to stop beating yourself up, since getting rid of ingrained habits requires special efforts. Your brain will continue to work in its usual mode unless it is configured differently. In this case, reminder notes are a great way to change your habits.

Set reminders on your computer or leave notes at home and at work with motivating phrases, for example, “Here and now!”, “What are you thinking about?” or “Watch.” Repetition is the mother of learning.

Get busy

How to stop worrying and stressing yourself out? The best way to distract yourself from bad thoughts is work.

And housework falls under the same theme. If you are waiting for your spouse to get home from work, but he is late, start cleaning up your apartment. Here you need to brush off the dust, but over there there is dirt on the floor. By the time you clean up, your husband will arrive home safely.

Features of winding

On the one hand, it's fun and interesting. But twisted fantasies have a negative connotation. Unfortunately, few people come up with something positive for themselves, and therefore mental problems arise and illnesses appear.

The brain functions in such a way that if there is a lack or absence of information on a certain matter, it independently draws and completes the picture of the situation.

This phenomenon occurs instinctively. A person feels completely safe only when he understands, sees, and is aware of the overall picture of what is happening. Otherwise, timely completion is important. So it appears in the form of a negative. While completing the overall picture, a person overwhelms himself, at the same time becomes depressed and physically exhausted. In fact, there is no reason for deep emotional experiences and anxieties.

What do psychologists say?

How to stop beating yourself up? The advice from psychologists is the same - you need to distract yourself.

We've sorted out the first two options for how to get distracted. What else is included here?

• Walk. Psychologists say that 20 minutes in the fresh air helps to collect “thoughts in a heap.” That is, switch from negative thoughts to positive ones.
• Music. Turn on your favorite music and lose yourself in it.
• Phone conversation. Call your mother, relatives or friend with whom you communicate most often. Casual conversation is a great way to combat bad thoughts.
• Reading. A book is the best interlocutor. Pick up your favorite book and immerse yourself in reading.
• Sport. In order to do it, you don’t have to go to the gym. You need to get rid of your thoughts here and now. So start doing physical exercises. Turn on some upbeat music and go ahead.
• Do some digging within yourself. It is easier to follow the call “don’t beat yourself up” when a person understands the reasons for mental negativity. What makes you think about bad things? Fear of a particular situation, lack of self-confidence, anxiety - try to find the root of the problem. Then it’s easier to deal with it.

Life without control

At the physiological level, everything is simple. There is a hypothesis that everyone can test for themselves: the body has an ideal self-regulation system. If you comply with several conditions, excess weight will never appear. Let's look at these conditions in detail.

Nutritious food

First of all, this means not limiting the caloric intake needed by the body . This number is not calculated using a calculator, but empirically. You need to rely on your feeling of hunger and well-being. This could be 2000 kcal, or 2500 or even 4000, if you train a lot and actively.

Of course, this also applies to regularity of nutrition. 3 or 5 times a day is not so important. But once or twice is worse; with such regularity it will not be possible to maintain balance.

I used to think that I had to constantly be careful not to eat more than I needed. Do not eat more calories than my body will burn in a day, do not eat more carbohydrates than necessary for movement and basal metabolism.

My body, as it turned out, works differently: it is important for it to have energy “in reserve” ; its needs must always be fully satisfied. Responding to your feeling of hunger is the only strategy that helps you get rid of not only periodic overeating, but also constant weight swings.

The pleasure of eating

Eat with pleasure and trust your desires, but at the same time take into account the laws by which your body works.

Let's say you want a cake. You can eat it right now. Or you can eat it after lunch - then the portion will be smaller, and in addition, you will be able to satisfy the real needs of the body, and not just the brain’s need for glucose.

What makes the body swollen is not just one cake eaten instead of lunch, but the systematic replacement of meals with various types of non-nutritious, but high-calorie foods.

Daily routine and self-care

Long flights and transfers can cause swelling; lack of sleep has an even stronger effect.
The worst way to help yourself look better in such a situation is to take care of containers and regular exercise. It is more important to get enough sleep, rest, gain strength and calm down. Then the natural rhythms and self-regulation of the body will work perfectly and without any control.

The most important tip

Many people tend to imagine the outcome of a certain situation. And for some reason he is seen in a negative way. Bad thoughts creep into the head when a person begins to replay possible events in his head. As a result, this leads to a depressed state and the inability to overcome your bad thoughts.

Stop! This way we will not be able to overcome despondency. We will become even more ossified in this state. So let's solve problems as they arise. This is much more effective than overthinking yourself.

How to stop beating yourself up out of habit

the methods described , a person “slides” into negativity out of habit when circumstances get out of control. Return to the present moment, practice mindfulness, feel the body, the taste of food, the pen, the computer keys. reminding that it’s not about what happened, but about the arguments.

Those around you may not act as fear dictates; there are several options for exit.

The reasons for a negative past do not apply to all people and situations. Experience binds you to people, causes pain, and inhibits personal development.

Switch your attention: draw, look at a flower, clean, sing, go dancing, find hobbies. Update your wardrobe, declutter your shelves, watch a comedy. Monitor your internal dialogue throughout the day, control your thoughts, replacing them with the necessary statements. Replace the habit of guessing in your head with conversation or action.

If you believe in God

For those who consider themselves Christians, there is separate advice. You begin to mentally say: “Don’t beat yourself up! Pray.” If possible, stand in front of your home iconostasis and ask God for help. Ask him to help drive away bad thoughts.

A little consolation for each of us: we all walk under God. Everything is according to His will. God wants to save every person. And he leads him to salvation in a certain way. Therefore, when you are scared, it seems that everything in life is falling apart, and there is emptiness and darkness ahead, remember this. Everything is according to the will of God. God will not allow more than we need.

How suspiciousness is dangerous for a person

Constant fears and worries for oneself and loved ones, often arising without reason - this is what suspiciousness is. People prone to it are afraid of making the wrong choice, do not trust others, and invent problems. They are often said about them: “They make mountains out of molehills.”

Suspicion is an excellent breeding ground for the development of various disorders:

• anxiety – a strong feeling that something bad will happen;
• hypochondria - a constant search for illnesses in oneself, the feeling that one is terminally ill;
• low self-esteem - lack of self-confidence;
• phobias – uncontrollable and irrational fear;
• paranoia – development of crazy ideas, excessive suspicion, jealousy.

Constant fears, as I already mentioned, are a feature of the psyche, so it is very difficult to completely eradicate it. But, thanks to the works of psychologists, you can apply some practices to learn how to manage this condition and make your life easier.

Trip to nature

Another very pleasant way to distract yourself from bad thoughts is to connect with nature. Go to the forest or lake this coming weekend. And if you have tents, a fire, songs with a guitar and camp porridge - this is an ideal option.

Do you remember going hiking in your youth? And mosquitoes, rain, and snow did not bother us. They took backpacks, taller than themselves, dressed warmer and walked. There were no cell phones, and we weren’t afraid of anything; we spent the night in the forest. A larger group will gather, jokes and laughter, singing with a guitar near the fire. It was a golden time!

Now everyone has grown up, everyone has their own things to do. But why not remember your youth? And don't go camping with your family. At least for two days. And you will be distracted from bad thoughts, and the children will be happy.

Don't try to be perfect

Some people believe that being a perfectionist is a good thing. This is wrong. In fact, perfectionists have higher levels of anxiety and lower quality of life. The inability to let go, constant self-doubt, comparing yourself to others, unrealistic expectations and the need to control everything are just some of the few reasons why life is more difficult for perfectionists. If you are a perfectionist, try to pay more attention to the process itself rather than the end result.

Live one day at a time

We left work in the evening, and there were a lot of thoughts in my head. The report was not completed, it will come from the boss. And the letter was not sent to an important supplier, and a hundred more mistakes were made. We begin to think about how embarrassing we will be in front of our boss tomorrow. And about how much needs to be done tomorrow. What if we don't make it in time? What if we do something wrong? What if this is it? What if this is it?

Let's leave the "if". Is here and now. Live today, now. Look around, the world is beautiful. Take a deep breath of fresh air and smile. Everything is fine, you have this evening, this hour, this minute. Live it, and tomorrow you will think about what to do. Remember? We solve problems as they arise. Let's enjoy today's moment.

Tip 8. Set an acceptable level of anxiety

To control excitement and anxiety, you need to mentally set a “limiter” on your emotions. Just assess the situation and determine the acceptable level of anxiety that should not be exceeded.

As you can see, Dale Carnegie's recommendations are quite simple and easily applicable in everyday life. The main thing to do is to firmly decide to change your thinking. You can also study the nature of stress and master relaxation techniques - look at the instructions in the free online course “Stress Management”.