One of the key topics in the psychology of influence is how to learn to persuade, achieving goals even with the initial disagreement of your counterpart. This skill is important for business, personal relationships, and strengthening one’s self-esteem. However, the ability to persuade is dangerously close to manipulation, which, although effective in the short term, is very harmful in the long term.
This is the art of a competent negotiator: when achieving your goal, do not create in others the feeling that they were used, deceived and forced to do something by force. On the contrary, the interlocutor sincerely agrees with the theses proposed to him or fulfills the request, and the positive feeling remains with him in the future. Let's figure out how, when convincing a person, not to become a manipulator, but at the same time achieve success in negotiations, win over loved ones and colleagues to your side, and remain on good terms with everyone.
How to convince a person: key principles
There is a lot of literature on how to learn to persuade, but theory alone helps little. It is necessary to master practical methods of influence. This is useful from all sides: you will learn to persuade yourself and will be able to resist manipulation by recognizing the techniques of your opponents.
The fundamental principle of persuasion is the combination of logical arguments with emotions and characteristics of human psychology. This was discovered by Aristotle, the creator of the classical laws of rhetoric. Persuasion is based on the use of three components:
- pathos - an emotional component that influences feelings, creating the desired mood in the interlocutor; logos - convincing arguments that are difficult to object to;
- ethos is a reference to generally accepted authorities, positions close to a person, people whom he respects.
Another important tool of influence is the ability to quickly understand which position is close to your counterpart and create the impression in the person that you share his opinion. At the same time, one must not stoop to manipulation.
Stage 3. Demonstration of facts
If our interlocutor, as a result of the second stage, does not formulate the answer we need, we, in addition to leading questions, begin to show him those very memorable facts taken from our experience or voiced by him during the conversation, and give them a vivid emotional interpretation. Such a maneuver challenges his beliefs and should prompt him to at least acknowledge the possibility of other points of view.
As soon as our interlocutor begins to give the assessment of the facts that we need, we should listen carefully and without interrupting to the end of his speech, praise his logic and even, if appropriate, admire him personally in order to positively reinforce his reasoning. At the same time, it is important to emphasize that this is the fruit of his thoughts, and not of your thoughts, with which it is difficult for you to disagree. In fact, at this phase we must turn the process of persuasion upside down: from the outside it will seem that it is our interlocutor who convinces us of our own position, and we retreat under the onslaught of his arguments. And if you have met a skilled negotiator in your practice and caught yourself thinking that at some point you begin to convince him of something that you denied at the very beginning, congratulations, you now understand exactly how it works.
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Such behavior will help maintain a sense of rational control on the part of the interlocutor and eliminate the feeling of external pressure, as would be the case in the process of logical persuasion. When we are forced to accept someone else's position, in most cases this inevitably leads to the opposite - an escalation of conflict and the destruction of empathy.
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The difference between manipulation and persuasion
To manipulate is to take without giving anything in return, to use charisma, NLP and other techniques to get benefits, even if the opponent feels deceived. These methods do not work so 100%: many people have already learned to recognize manipulation; instead of the desired result, you will get a reaction of rejection and aggression.
Manipulative tactics are insidious: even if you succeed now, later your opponent will “come to his senses”, understand that he was used and convey this information to those around him. In order to avoid being branded as a toxic person, it is important to know how you can convince a person without becoming a manipulator. To do this, give up the classics of manipulation: false questioning (clarification with a distortion of the meaning), deliberate haste, demonstrative indifference, excessive rage inappropriate for the occasion, or “syrup” servility.
Structured speech
The persuasiveness of speech depends on its structure - thoughtfulness, consistency and logic. The structured nature of speech allows you to explain the main points in a more accessible and understandable way, helps to clearly follow the intended plan, such speech is better perceived and remembered by the listener.
Introduction
An effective introduction will help to interest and attract a person’s attention, establish trust and create an atmosphere of goodwill. The introduction should be brief and consist of three or four sentences indicating the subject of speech and telling the reason why you should know what will be discussed.
The introduction sets the mood and tone of the speech. A serious beginning gives the speech a restrained and thoughtful tone. A humorous beginning sets a positive mood, but here it is worth understanding that starting with a joke and setting the audience in a playful mood, it will be difficult to talk about serious things.
Main content of the speech
It must be understandable, clear and meaningful - persuasive speech cannot be incomprehensible and chaotic. Break down your main points, thoughts and ideas into several parts. Consider smooth transitions that show the connection between one part of the speech and another.
The main content can be conveyed in different ways:
- statement of facts that can be verified;
- expert opinions, judgments of people with authority in this field;
- quotes that enliven and explain the material;
- specific cases and examples that can explain and illustrate facts;
- description of your own experience and your theory;
- statistics that can be verified;
- reflections and forecasts about future events;
- funny stories and anecdotes (in a small dose), meaningfully reinforcing or revealing the points in question;
- literal or figurative comparisons and contrasts that illustrate statements by showing differences and similarities.
Conclusion
The conclusion is the most difficult and important part of a persuasive speech. It should repeat what was said and enhance the effect of the entire speech. What is said in conclusion, a person will remember longer. As a rule, it is at the end, along with a summary of what has been said, that a call to action sounds, which describes the actions and behavior of people necessary for the speaker.
How to learn to convince people
If you want to truly convince someone, you need to follow the rule of responding. If you offer something first, make a “nice gesture,” the person will have a desire to thank or at least “give.” Often people in such a situation give more than they received. It is important to understand: the rule does not mean that you will automatically achieve your goal - only that you will create such an emotional hook in your opponent. Here are striking examples:
- nice optional gifts for seasonal holidays (or any occasion);
- free samples of goods that make you come back for a “full” purchase;
- services that you provide free of charge to neighbors, relatives, colleagues and which evoke a feeling of the need to “repay the debt.”
Another way to convince your opponent is to use the law of friendship. People will do more for their friends, but you need to approach the person you're interested in the right way. It is important to look for something for which you can sincerely praise your opponent, give a compliment that will not look like a stretch and manipulation.
To get close to people easily, always pay attention to how you look, how neat and appropriate your clothes are, and whether you carry yourself confidently. Try to show that you treat the person well, and he will want to meet you halfway. Finally, in order to force someone to listen to you, you can influence your counterpart psychologically - influence his consciousness with words and non-verbal techniques (remembering the dangers of manipulation).
THINK ABOUT THE WORDS YOU USE
Just a few words or their placement in a sentence can change both the meaning and tone of your request. Try replacing “you” with “I” and rearranging the phrase a little. Compare “go to the store” and “I need to go to the store, but I’m so busy right now.” Most likely, the second formulation will cause a greater response, and the person will want to help you.
If you are afraid of hearing a sharp “no” to your request, you can add the magic words: “But you, of course, can refuse.” This will make you think and not rush into a quick answer.
Just be prepared that your interlocutor will actually say no - don’t reproach him for refusing.
Psychological techniques
For those who want to become persuasive, it is useful to know about such techniques and be able to use them. Often basic techniques are enough - for example, links to the majority. According to research, 85% of the world's population are conformists, for whom the argument of “correct” behavior is very powerful. It is enough to refer to the majority opinion or generally accepted norms, and the scales will tip in your favor.
The principle of contrast also works well - it is often used in sales. A person is offered objects with a very noticeable difference - in favor of what needs to be sold. Other effective techniques:
- “second offer”: a person is made the first, obviously unprofitable, and he refuses, and then the second - a kind of concession (exactly what should have been achieved initially), and the opponent, “rehabilitating” after the refusal or making a compromise, agrees;
- fast speech: if you speak clearly, quickly, you look more convincing - this can be learned in rhetoric courses;
- reframing - “turning” a negative statement in a positive way, using positive rhetoric;
- open questions with a positive answer - let the person speak out and get consent in principle, and then it will be easier;
- visual and tactile contact - you need to be careful here, but if you break this invisible barrier, achieving agreement will become much easier;
- strong arguments come last, then they will be better remembered.
Stage 4. Generalization
In an ideal scenario, thought by thought, through logical points, we lead our interlocutor to his own conviction that accepting our picture of the world and our proposal is the only correct choice. But if our interlocutor is not yet able or does not want to eliminate the doubts that your questions might have raised and connect them with the facts presented, we can take the initiative ourselves and ask him for permission to voice our perception of what he said, collecting everything we heard into a single story . Why ask for permission and clearly demonstrate respect for the right of your interlocutor to reject your position, and why couldn’t you immediately do the same, bypassing all the above stages of framing? It's simple - otherwise framing would turn into an argument that has nothing to do with the process of persuasion.
At the same time, in addition to creating an emotional picture, one must not forget about the rational factor. As the theory of decision making, formulated by the American psychologist Ward Edwards back in 1954, suggests, at a rational level we must increase not only the value of the solution we propose for the counterparty, but also the likelihood of receiving it. What does this mean in practice? Even if we show, for example, the potential of a future market, at the same time we must prove that we have enough competencies, resources and energy to turn plans into reality, and not leave this entire endeavor at the level of entrepreneurial dreams.
But what should we do if, despite all our efforts and the wonders of framing, the interlocutor does not accept the position we need? Don’t rush to give up - as you remember, resistance to external pressure is built into our psyche. Instead, give your partner time to process the information received and trust the power of cognitive dissonance: his subconscious, against his will, will rebuild attitudes and thinking patterns to suit the new information received in order to eliminate the contradiction. Just accept that this is a fairly energy-intensive process that takes time. And in order to convey your position to his consciousness as effectively as possible, use the edge effect, discovered back in the 19th century by the German psychologist Hermann Ebbinghaus: try to express the most striking and important facts and thoughts closer to the beginning and end of your meeting: in such a sequences they have the best chance of remaining in the memory of the interlocutor.
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The described steps for building framing in negotiations, perhaps, would be called manipulation. But whether this will be a selfish manipulation or a way to quickly and effectively form partnerships based on the natural laws of thinking depends only on your ultimate goal. It’s just important to remember that game theory suggests that over the long term, open cooperation, based on principles of interaction common to all partners, always defeats manipulative individualism.
Examples of Persuasion
Reframing: use positive connotations of “pro” or “for” instead of the word “anti.” For example, the social movement is called “for nature” and not “against development”.
Open questions: “What do you think about...”, “How do you feel about...”.
Emotional argument (curiosity, trust, etc.): “Honestly, the promotion has already ended, but we’ll try to extend it for you,” “The backlight in this kettle changes color from blue to red when the water boils.”
Of course, all these skills need to be honed with professional trainers. The Oratoris school of public speaking invites everyone who wants to become persuasive, successfully negotiate, and defend their point of view. You will learn how to persuade anyone without becoming a manipulator, and how to win supporters while maintaining the ethics of influence.
Stage 2: Questions and reinforcement
At this stage, we create cognitive dissonance by shaking our interlocutor’s worldview with questions and at the same time reinforcing his statements that we need with a positive reaction and words of approval. The most important thing is to work with negative attitudes only through questions that hit the weakest and most illogical places, but not through logical objections.
Why questions, why can’t you prove your position with direct statements? Any straightforward logical influence gives rise to resistance to external pressure, when we do not yield under the pressure of too strong arguments, but on the contrary, we resist them in every possible way, defending our freedom. In an experiment by American psychologists Lillian Bensley and Rui Wu, excessively categorical and frightening anti-alcohol propaganda achieved the opposite effect - it increased alcohol consumption among students. Therefore, the negotiator’s task is to encourage the interlocutor to find his own mistakes and abandon them, as well as scatter “breadcrumbs” in front of him on the way to the correct answer.
The strength of the arguments is related to your position and social status.
In this case, your own authority plays into your hands, so it will be even easier to convince a person. In fact, success, social level and merit give a person weight in the eyes of others and make his arguments weighty and authoritative. By the way, this technique is actively used in advertising of medicines, cosmetics, and baby food, when cosmetologists and doctors are involved in the process. Or when sports products are advertised by famous athletes.
The power of motivation
Motivation, which initiates and guides behavior, often arises as a result of the use of incentives that have a certain value and significance.
The impact of an incentive is greatest when it is part of a meaningful goal and indicates a favorable reward-cost ratio. Imagine asking people to donate a few hours to participate in a charity program.
Most likely, the time you convince them to spend will not be perceived as an incentive reward, but as a cost. How to convince people? you can present this charitable work as a significant incentive that provides rewards.
For example, you can make the public feel the importance of the cause, feel socially responsible, people with a sense of civic duty, feel like noble helpers. Always show that the incentives and rewards outweigh the costs.
Use incentives that match people's basic needs, they work better. According to one popular theory of needs, people express a greater propensity to act when a stimulus offered by the speaker can satisfy an important unmet need of the listeners.
