How to survive your husband’s betrayal and save your family: advice from a psychologist

The main reasons for male infidelity

A detailed analysis of the problem can reveal several dozen different reasons for the second half’s betrayal. The reasons depend on internal psychological attitudes, which lead to infidelity. The most common ones include:

Problems at work, a midlife crisis, quarrels in the family - a man is looking for a way to relax, trying to escape from reality. At the same time, someone else’s bed here turns into a “shelter” and is perceived as entertainment.
Sexual dissatisfaction - the stronger sex is offended that the spouses no longer look and behave like they did before the wedding. The passion subsides. Husbands also seek satisfaction of unfulfilled desires, erotic fantasies, which they are embarrassed to admit or which they are denied.
There are few common points of intersection (hobbies, social circles, life goals and preferences, worldviews) - acute differences in life priorities result in a couple moving away from each other and include the desire to find a like-minded person elsewhere.
“Everyday life” - monotony, familiarity and predictability of relationships. When daily hassles and routine have long replaced romance, the husband is looking for novelty and freshness of impressions.

Other reasons include:

the need to assert one’s personality;
desire to increase self-esteem;
search for new experiences;
the desire to take revenge for the infidelity of the spouse;
the inability or unwillingness to overcome the “instinct” of a predator;
testing the strength of a marriage, the desire to “shake up” the relationship in this way.

It is very important to understand the reason for betrayal in order to reconsider the model of previous relationships and avoid betrayal in the future.

Revenge

Betrayal evokes different emotions for everyone. Some women want to run away to the ends of the earth, while others want to take proper revenge so that their husband feels even more severe pain than the one he inflicted himself. These girls don't believe in karma and that God will punish them. They want payback. And therefore their life turns into thinking about how to punish their husband for treason.

If you really want to cause trouble for your spouse, you need to choose an option that will not result in trouble for the woman herself. Otherwise, she will destroy her ex’s car with an axe, after which she herself will be summoned to court and given a fine for damage to property. But how to punish your husband for cheating? Here are the tips of some girls from forums discussing the topic among deceived wives:

Generously spray the car with slop and sewage.
It's the same smelly way to ruin your clothes. Nonsense? Not at all, because most men are squeamish (in terms of washing) and do not like shopping. And here they will just have to look for clothes and shell out money for them.
Add a laxative mixed with sleeping pills. The situation will be straight out of a joke.
Tell the whole world about what happened. This method is not for everyone - proud girls will prefer to hide betrayal from prying eyes and ears. Others, on the contrary, will talk about the betrayal in all its colors and details, or even post it on a social network. Girlfriends, colleagues, acquaintances - they will also organize word of mouth as a sign of female solidarity.
Absolute ignorance. The method is suitable for women who have decided to forgive betrayal, but want to get even. The bottom line is this: continue to live with him, but do nothing. Neither cook, nor clean, nor do laundry, nor even talk. Maybe, in the absence of all this, the young man will realize the value of his woman and the abomination of his act.
Exploitation. Why not start using your husband to satisfy your whims? Wanting to receive forgiveness, some cheaters are ready to fulfill any whims of their spouse.

In general, there are many ways of revenge - from the most terrible (like damage) to the most literate (moral pressure). But, since the girl cannot think about how to survive her husband’s betrayal and save the family without retribution, it is better to choose something more harmless. She doesn't need another burden on her soul.

Signs of betrayal

In order to prevent a series of infidelities as early as possible and stop adultery, some changes in the behavior of the other half should not be ignored, for example:

sexual interest has disappeared or been reduced to a minimum;
avoiding hugs, light kisses;
new habits;
constantly getting stuck on the phone;
unexpected change of image, perfume, special attention to appearance;
setting passwords and clearing message history;
increased care for the car;
suspicious spending, buying a new car and expensive items;
the appearance of constant business, business trips.

These indirect signs may indicate an impending or accomplished fact of betrayal. Think about what you can do to prevent a tragic scenario from developing.

What diseases arise as a result of infidelity, and how long does it take for them to manifest themselves in the body?

Here, of course, everything is individual. Depends on the amount of energy in the body, on the person’s internal resource. The more resources, the longer it resists the onset of the disease.

The organs that are weakened are the first to be affected. Or diseases that you had chronically in childhood (for example, bronchitis) reappear.

A disease may arise that has never happened before.

Remember above we talked about the feelings that give rise to depression? So, each of these feelings is the progenitor of all kinds of diseases (without exception).

The only question is where is the thin spot that gets hit first.

Therefore, timely work with your emotions is the prevention of diseases .

Behavior strategy by stages

Betrayal by a loved one provokes strong negative emotions and psychological problems. To survive it, the victim needs a “reboot”, a desire to sort out his feelings and reliable support from loved ones.

Stages of experiencing betrayal:

Shock

As soon as it becomes known about the betrayal, resentment, hysteria and anger are not the best advisers. Despite the fact that it is extremely difficult to keep your mind cool and sober, this is the only option to save your family and get out with the least losses. Therefore, take a break for a few days after the tragic event and stay away from your spouse. Analyze your situation, make the right decision and act accordingly.

At the stage of shock, upon hearing about the betrayal, if the woman did not even know about it, she may deny what happened and ignore the evidence. Try with all your might to justify the traitor, going to the extent of ridiculous, delusional explanations, believing that this is a joke. This reaction is a defense mechanism that lasts from a few minutes of surprise to a week of constant denial.

Next, the brightest palette of emotions develops - from a chilling stupor to acute pain in hysterics. In any case, the ground disappeared from under our feet. The period of shock takes up to two weeks and the main thing is that at this moment there is support from loved ones and relatives. Before making fateful decisions, it is necessary to establish a connection with reality.

Aggression

The woman feels guilty for what happened and hates herself. She remembers her mistakes and misdeeds, and internally tries to share responsibility for what happened with the cheater. Does not conduct objective self-analysis.

Further, the aggression is redirected to the culprit and the mistress. Repentance and pangs of conscience are replaced by anger and rage. The spouse loses self-control, creates scandals and showdowns, and commits unusual impulsive actions in relation to the culprits of the problem.

To avoid the negative results of aggressive behavior and not lose your reputation, you should learn to “let off steam” in socially acceptable ways - go to the shooting range, join the gym, sing karaoke with your friends, play computer games.

parting

Reboot

At this time, betrayal is psychologically accepted as a fact. What to do about it and how to behave is the primary question. A typical feature of the period is a constant emotional swing: from the desire to forgive, forget everything, start over with a clean slate, to a decisive desire to burn all bridges and get a divorce.

During this period, love and passion can flare up with renewed vigor, and the “honeymoon” begins. Imaginary well-being is replaced by a feeling of deception, accompanied by quarrels and nagging. A woman constantly remembers betrayal and other negative aspects.

Recovery

The duration of this period is individual for everyone - from a week to many years. The primary goal is that life continues in a calm rhythm, without nervous breakdowns, fear of new betrayal, and old feelings return. It is important to come up with ways to increase self-esteem, make plans for every day and the future. You should not read books, watch books where the topic of betrayal is raised, listen to music that lifts your spirits. Update your wardrobe, change your hairstyle, start a hobby. After some time, everything will be forgotten and life will smoothly go on as usual.

A change of scenery

Having learned about your spouse’s actions, you need to urgently leave the house. And not to cause a scandal, although the desire is quite natural. But you need to maintain your dignity so that later, during a serious conversation, you can express your thoughts as coldly and bitingly as possible.

It is really important for a devoted woman to go somewhere, because if she stays in the apartment where she had to live with her beloved husband just a few days ago, everything in it will remind her of the unfaithfulness. You can stay in a hotel or even outside the city, closer to nature, unity with which is relaxing.

In addition, being in peace and quiet, you will be able to think carefully about everything and build a further line of behavior.

Looking ahead, it should be noted that some work will have to be done in the apartment. How to survive your husband's betrayal? The psychologist’s advice is this: get rid of everything that awakens vivid memories of him in your soul. And repairs won't hurt. Repaint the walls a different color, buy new blankets and bed linen, dishes for your loved one - an easy transformation of your home will make it individual, not marital.

To forgive or not to forgive

Forgiving infidelity is a difficult step. You shouldn’t accept a desperate desire to save a dying relationship with understanding and acceptance of wrongdoing. To save your marriage you need to restore your self-esteem, heal from trauma and understand yourself.

Several reasons when reconciliation may be more beneficial than separation:

the partner feels guilty, sincerely regrets what he did, promises that this will never happen again, and is ready to work to correct the situation as a whole;
presence of children;
one-time connection, momentary recklessness, the effect of alcohol intoxication;
You were in a long, happy relationship before the infidelity.

Do not forgive deception at the beginning of family life or the habit of cheating. If you understand that the relationship is doomed, betrayal is the result of the fact that you no longer have anything in common, you are no longer attracted to each other, then look at this as a reason to break up.

Is it worth forgiving?

How to survive a divorce from your husband - advice from a psychologist on how to get a grip on yourself

How you can live through the situation and leave it behind:

Realize what happened. There is no need to try to justify someone else’s actions or hope for atonement for a mistake. It’s better to tune in to your own feelings, accept betrayal as a given and think about whether you can forgive.
Don't close. A frank conversation will reveal the views of each side and lead to a conclusion on how to proceed.
Don't feel sorry for yourself. You shouldn’t remove responsibility from your half, but you shouldn’t belittle your shortcomings in behavior. If a couple has problems in their relationship, no one person can be to blame. It is worth analyzing your actions and trying to identify the mistake.

It is important that forgiveness comes from the heart. The decision to keep the family cannot be allowed to be forced. If you can’t stop blaming your spouse, then the relationship will not be renewed.

To survive deception, you need to experience the situation and try to forgive

How to survive your husband's betrayal

Seven tips to help you forgive your husband’s infidelity:

1.Move away. It is not easy. After all, it seems that the sooner you find out the situation, the sooner it will be resolved, but this is not so. The conversation will simply end in a scandal, hysteria, accusations and “caustic” words that will hurt the offender.

Take a break. Calm down. Walk more, throw yourself into work, let off some steam, go on vacation, spend more time with friends. Once you are able to distance yourself from the betrayer, it will be easier to think clearly about the situation and discuss it calmly with your spouse.

2. Don't suppress your feelings. A frank conversation will help you understand the reason for the action and get emotional release. You need to sincerely forgive your partner and accept the betrayal as a fait accompli, otherwise there is no point in saving the family.

Stop making excuses and believing that the relationship will magically become the same as before. It’s better to think whether you are ready to come to terms with the act and forgive.

To better understand the situation, you can contact a family psychologist or read books on this topic, for example:

“Infidelity”, Marina Travkova;
"The chemistry of love. A Scientific View of Love, Sex and Attraction”, Brian Alexander, Larry Young;
"Right to left." Why do people cheat and is it possible to avoid cheating”, Esther Perel;
“Bed wars. Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Relationship Evolution by Robin Baker;
“Why Men Lie and Women Cry,” Allan Pease, Barbara Pease;
The Science of Love and Cheating by Robin Dunbar.

3. Don't blame yourself. Refuse to play the victim. Analyze your own actions, since two people are responsible for any rift in a relationship. You need to admit part of your wrongness, but without removing responsibility from the man and without self-flagellation. If your partner persistently or even aggressively accuses you, leave immediately.

You can remember the incident, but you don’t need to always remember the whole painful range of feelings, “scroll” in your imagination the details of how your husband gave love to another. There is no need to come up with options for repeated betrayals.

4. There is no need to compare yourself with your rival. Work on improving your self-esteem. Take care of your own appearance: take a manicure and makeup course, join a gym, update your wardrobe, change your image or style. The new image of a “desirable woman” will attract the gaze of the stronger sex and get rid of complexes.

5. Taking care of your own health will help distract you from negative thoughts after cheating. Physical and mental activity: do a thorough cleaning of the apartment, throw away or donate unnecessary things, take part in a city quest, play board games with friends.

6. Find support. Express yourself to your loved ones, chat on the forum with women who have also experienced betrayal. The problem will not seem so acute and painful if you talk about it very often: to your mother, to a friend, to yourself in front of the mirror, to a psychotherapist.

7.Work on improving your relationship. Start over and build a deep connection between you. Find something in common, share and share each other’s interests, watch a TV series together, read the same books. Go on vacation together.

Couples are brought together by their shared hobbies: tennis, cycling, painting by numbers. You can try something new for you: flying in a wind tunnel, rock climbing, hiking, pottery, baking cakes. Learn to compromise. Look for a middle ground in all decisions. Don't let everything always be the way only one of the partners wants.

Talk

You definitely need to talk to the man. After the conversation, it will become clearer how to live after your husband’s betrayal. The conversation should be calm, quiet and peaceful, without hysterics. There is no need to explain to the husband that he is a scoundrel - this will already be clear to him, based on the cold-blooded tone of his offended and betrayed wife.

You need to find out from your spouse why exactly, from his point of view, he committed this act. What did he miss being with his wife? What did she do wrong? What didn’t you add? In what way was she objectionable? Why did he decide that it would be better with the other? From the answers received, the woman will be able to understand the man’s attitude towards her and make decisions regarding future relationships.

You need to show up for the meeting in full dress, of course. The image should not contain anything from the woman she was the other day, trampled by betrayal and pain. Fresh, clean skin without swelling from tears, exquisite makeup, beautiful hair, an outfit that flatters the figure, high heels, attractive perfume - this is what should have a place in the closet of a devoted woman.

What is this all for? Not so that “he understands who he lost.” For your own satisfaction and self-confidence. The girl, looking at herself in the mirror, must think - is he, a traitor and traitor, worthy of a queen like her?

You also need to behave accordingly. Dignified, but not arrogant. You need to clearly explain to your spouse how much pain he caused, but you cannot humiliate yourself or cry. Also, you should not “pull” repentance and apologies out of him. Let him act on his own: this way the woman will understand whether he himself feels guilty, whether he understands what he has done.