Anger management: how to deal with aggression and temper?

Other people's anger inevitably makes us feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter whether we become angry in response or simply become confused, not knowing how to react in a difficult situation. The important thing is that we are deprived of our inner harmony and find ourselves in a dangerous situation, where a skilled manipulator can easily catch us and make us out to be a provocateur, an initiator of conflict, and even a mentally unbalanced person. This article will tell you how to deal with another person's anger.

To begin with, you should know that there are 2 types of aggression:

• Open - this includes those cases where a person directly insults, raises his voice and provokes conflict.
• Hidden, this includes unflattering remarks, unsolicited advice and attempts to impose one’s own vision of the situation.

Is it possible to get rid of irritability?

It is important to understand that aggression is not something unnatural .

This is one of the forms of self-defense and self-preservation, with the help of which people can correctly respond to external stimuli under certain conditions.

But when irritability overwhelms a person even for trivial reasons , it greatly poisons life and does not at all contribute to strengthening relationships with loved ones, friends, colleagues, etc.

It is really possible to cope with attacks of aggression. And it's not as difficult as it seems at first glance.

After all, techniques for managing aggression do not require any special abilities or capabilities from a person. What is important is practice and a responsible approach to correcting your own emotional spectrum.

You can overcome aggression in destructive and constructive ways .

In the first case, we are talking about a situation when a person takes out his anger on others, actively transfers irritation to objects in the outside world.

Also destructive methods include suppression of feelings, as a result of which negativity accumulates and destroys a person .

In the second case, various techniques, exercises and volitional effort are meant, multiplied by the desire to eliminate negativity from life.

In relatively mild situations, show your composure through appropriate humor.

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Humor is a powerful communication tool. Many years ago I knew a co-worker who was quite arrogant and intimidating. One day a mutual colleague of ours asked him: “Hello, how are you?” When a selfish colleague completely ignored her greeting, she was not offended. Instead, she smiled good-naturedly and joked, “That means good, huh?” This statement broke the ice, and they began a friendly conversation. Amazing.

When used correctly, humor can illuminate the truth, disarm an aggressor, and show that you have excellent self-control. In my book, How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People, I explain the psychological role of humor in resolving conflict and suggest different ways to use humor to reduce or eliminate attacks.

How to contain or suppress an attack of anger?

Trying to suppress aggression in the long term is not only futile, but also dangerous. After all, by “swallowing” emotions, a person does not get rid of them, but hides them deeper (at the level of consciousness and subconscious).

Sooner or later, the accumulated negativity will begin to destroy the mind and body from the inside, manifesting itself in the form of depression, stress and psychosomatic pathologies.

Also, suppressed aggression can lead to an uncontrollable outburst of rage. After all, sooner or later a person trying to hide negativity and irritation will lose control over the situation .

When a person says that he needs to restrain aggression, this means the ability not to show his emotions outwardly, to refrain from offensive words and actions towards others, as well as to work through and eliminate internal tension/irritation .

You can achieve a similar effect if:

1. Look deeper .
   It is not the events themselves that cause negativity, but the result of mental work (assessment of the situation). If a person stops for a second and asks himself why he is so angry, then the problem will most likely be resolved. For example, a man was forced to step aside on a narrow pedestrian path to let a teenager pass. Irritation from the fact that the young man did not give way himself did not take long to arrive. The man began to scold the guy. But in this situation, he could think about the reason for his anger and understand that by giving way, he was not harmed (neither morally nor physically). The reason for the anger was the wrong attitude and egocentrism (who is he not to give way to ME?).
2. Express dissatisfaction . To prevent an attack of aggression, it is enough to learn to express your dissatisfaction in a timely and correct manner. It is necessary to voice your complaints out loud if other people cross personal boundaries, make a mistake, harm you, or hurt your feelings. Instant response tactics will allow you to pacify the brewing “volcano of aggression,” because you will not just suppress feelings, but constructively get rid of them, broadcasting them to the outside world. An example is a situation in which a wife, without waiting for her husband to offer to help with cleaning, begins to get angry. Irritation gradually accumulates, and when a woman completes household chores, she can no longer control herself and causes a scandal. If she had immediately expressed dissatisfaction or asked for help, the quarrel would not have arisen.
3. Let off steam. When irritation and aggression are overwhelming, you can get rid of them without harm to others.
   For example, scream in a deserted place, hit a pillow several times, run cross-country, or tear up old newspapers.

Know your basic rights

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When you are dealing with a difficult person, it is important to remember your rights and notice if they are being violated.

As long as you do not harm others, you can stand up for yourself and protect your rights. Here are some fundamental human rights:

• You have the right to be treated with respect;
• You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and desires;
• You have the right to set your own priorities;
• You have the right to say no to guilt;
• You have the right to get what you pay for;
• You have the right to have different opinions from others;
• You have the right to defend yourself against physical, mental and emotional threats;
• You have the right to a happy and healthy life.

These fundamental rights also represent your boundaries.

Of course, there are many people in our society who do not respect these rights. In particular, aggressive, intimidating, and controlling individuals want to strip you of your rights so that they can control and exploit you. But you have the power and moral authority to declare that you are the boss in your life, not your abuser.

Treatment

You can correct the level of irritability and aggressiveness through special medications.

Among the over-the-counter drugs, one can highlight sedatives based on valerian, passionfol, motherwort and St. John's wort .

Even if they do not have a pronounced effect, they relieve the nervous system and do not provoke side effects.

“Novo-passit” and “Persen” also have a good calming effect .

If aggressive behavior prevents a person from living a full life, working and interacting with society, the doctor may prescribe drugs from the following groups:

• mood stabilizers,
• neuroleptics,
• tranquilizers,
• antidepressants,
• nootropic drugs.

In serious situations, point out consequences to encourage cooperation.

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When an aggressive, bullying, or controlling person pushes your boundaries and won't take no for an answer, point out the consequences.

This ability is one of the most important skills you can use to let go of a difficult person. When phrased correctly, a consequence stops the aggressor and forces him or her to move from humiliation to respect. In my book, consequences are presented as seven different types of pressure that can be used to create positive change.

In conclusion, to know how to deal with difficult people, you need to truly master the art of communication. If you use these tips, you will experience less grief, more self-confidence, improved relationships, and better communication skills. You are on the path to success!

How to control your aggression?

Anyone can control aggression and transform it into other, less destructive emotions if they resort to simple and effective methods:

1. Avoid detailed advance planning . Often the cause of attacks of anger, dissatisfaction, irritation and aggression are unjustified expectations or situations in which what is happening is out of control. And even if the situation is resolved positively, but does not correspond to the plan developed in the head and its stages, irritation will arise involuntarily.
2. Complete rest. High stress, lack of sleep, weakness and fatigue lead to the fact that the nervous system is depleted.
   A person reacts sharply to seemingly insignificant moments and “starts up with half a turn.” Taking good care of your own body and strength will help you avoid aggression.
3. Conversations with loved ones. Sometimes it is useful to complain to family and friends about minor problems and troubles. When a person voices his dissatisfaction, he “frees” himself from negative thoughts and lets go of everything bad, gaining mental and emotional balance. But if there is no one to discuss problems with, they accumulate and create the ground for an attack of aggression.
4. The ability to stop in time and listen to your inner voice. Sometimes people, like robots, try to concentrate on the goal and not be distracted by trifles. Life turns into a race for results, during which a person ignores his own desires, background thoughts and needs. Restrictions, even if they have good intentions, contribute to the accumulation of irritation. Sometimes you just need to sit down, relax, listen to music and admire the sunset if you really want to do it.
5. Relaxing techniques will help relieve the condition. It is not necessary to study all aspects of proper meditation, all yoga asanas and self-control techniques. You can choose simple and accessible options, such as deep and measured breathing, briefly switching your attention to an object that is pleasing to the eye, or positive affirmations.

All people are prone to aggression, but not everyone succumbs to this feeling

Of course, we are all human. Only if some know how to restrain themselves, others give themselves permission to raise a hand against someone or damage property. Why are some people prone to violence and others not?

— The reasons for this are various, and there are quite a lot of theories about this. It is important to say that the model of human behavior is influenced by the family in which the child’s personality is formed. If from childhood he sees physical and psychological violence or is himself subjected to it, then there is a high probability that he will do the same or become a victim of such behavior in the future, says MAX consultant psychologist.

The inability to control is associated with the cultural environment of society and stereotypes. A good example was given by Galina Desyatova, head of the MAKS project, who joined the conversation. Remember: boys often have prints with growling animals on their clothes, and girls often have prints with cute animals. From childhood they show that girls should be restrained, but men can show strength.

“Let’s take another example,” says Oksana. — The children are going to kindergarten. They may use instrumental aggression to protect their toys. Even a minor fight is eventually considered socially acceptable. Boys are told: “You must be able to give change, you’re a man!”

How to stop being an aggressive person?

In order to stop being an aggressive person, you need to eliminate the root of the problem. Negative emotions arise as a result of any problems (internal or external).

If the problems are external and at the same time quite obvious, then you can work on a vulnerable area of ​​life (no friends, tense relationship with a loved one, layoffs at work).

If the problems are internal (childhood phobias, personality disorders, psychological trauma), then it will be very difficult or even impossible to cope on your own. Therefore, it is better to consult a specialist (psychologist).

Personal factors of increased aggressiveness

It is important to discover problems at the root of aggressive behavior that a person cannot understand without outside help.

Dissatisfaction with life status. A person who, for example, has natural talent, but has not developed it in time, is doomed to eternal dissatisfaction with life, work, and his environment. He sees himself as worthy of a better life, despises his loved ones, and takes out his anger on them.

Fears and phobias that were not overcome in childhood. Fear is an individual’s experience associated with a threat to his existence. A person who is afraid of everything is almost always in a state of stress - in combat readiness for aggressive actions.

Development crises, reluctance to change. Aggressive energy is a natural mechanism for overcoming obstacles and moving forward. A person who has stopped in his development is inclined to become a parasite, to live at the expense of close people. He reacts aggressively to any reproaches addressed to him and perceives them as an attack on freedom.

Life style. The following people have an increased level of aggressiveness: workaholics who work extremely hard and neglect rest; smokers (especially in the absence of cigarettes); alcoholics (in a state of intoxication, during abstinence).

Upbringing. Aggression is rooted in childhood, in the mistakes of family upbringing. Lack of warmth, respect, freedom for self-realization are the main reasons for future dissatisfaction with life. Manifestations of child aggression are a signal for parents. They must understand in time what important need their child cannot satisfy and help him solve the problem.

“Our first priority is to see frustration in children’s aggression. Children should cry not in a corner, abandoned by everyone, but in loving hands.” G. Neufeld

Characteristic manifestations

In a fit of aggression, a person may start breaking dishes

Aggression is manifested by the following signs:

• physical violence;
• attempts to cause pain;
• guilt;
• mistrust and suspicion;
• self-flagellation;
• resistance;
• verbal negative expressions;
• physical violence.

Aggression manifests itself in human behavior. He:

• swears;
• breaks furniture;
• slams the door;
• bites;
• breaks dishes;
• expressed in obscene words.

Abstract yourself

If someone is trying to hit you or ruin your life in any way, this is a cause for concern. In other cases, negativity can only worsen your mood. Therefore, if you understand that you will not be able to calm an aggressive person, as well as understand him, you should abstract yourself.

Accept the fact that screaming and swearing can in no way worsen your life or health. This means they are not dangerous. When someone tries to get you emotional again, just tell yourself - it doesn't concern me. Insults directed at you are a reflection of the emotional state of the aggressor, and not a sign that you are a bad person. Observe the situation from the outside, as a casual witness of what is happening, and do not look for the problem within yourself.

Try to understand the motives

All people have a unique character, and among them there are truly aggressive and hot-tempered ones. But sometimes even the most friendly and calm person, due to stress or misunderstanding, becomes quarrelsome and aggressive.

When it comes to a hostile boss or other outsider, it can be more difficult to understand the reason for the behavior. But if you see your friend getting hot-tempered and constantly getting into verbal altercations, it's worth trying to understand him. A conversation in which you gently and tactfully find out the reasons for the behavior of an aggressive person will help with this. You should not ask directly, just listen carefully to all his experiences and show due understanding and sympathy.

Look for the right approach

An aggressive person is often associated with shouting and arguing, but this is not always the case. Hostility can be hidden behind a sarcastic tone and feigned friendliness. Therefore, the approach to all hostile people should be different.

If a person is screaming and waving his arms, he is most likely trying to intimidate you and make you weaker. In such a situation, it is important to maintain composure. Treating an aggressive person the way he treats you is the wrong approach. Your composure at first will only anger him more, but soon he will realize that he will not be able to get you emotional and will retreat.

If a person is being sarcastic or acting secretly, do not allow him to drag you into his plans. He must understand that you see a negative attitude and will not let yourself be deceived, but at the same time you are not going to participate in this game.