Danish writer and psychotherapist Ilse Sand, in her book “Compass of Emotions: How to Understand Your Feelings,” sorted out the real origins of aggression and gave recommendations on how to channel seething emotions into productive channels instead of destructive ones.
Ilse Sand
Psychotherapist, author of the book “Compass of Emotions: How to Understand Your Feelings.”
We all have moments when we get angry at other people. And it seems like there really is a reason for anger. Someone pushed you and didn't apologize. Someone was late for an important meeting, forcing a change in plans. Someone interferes with their endearments and stupid SMS when they are stuck at work! You give vent to seemingly objective indignation, reprimand the “offender” - and as a result you get a conflict, a spoiled mood, strained relationships with others and other delights of splashed out anger.
At such moments, many are consoled by the thought: “He started it first, I just answered.” But that's not true. It is extremely rare that anger is just anger. Much more often we get angry at other people through no fault of theirs—the reasons for the rage are hidden within ourselves. Anger is a typical secondary emotion that arises only as a response to other, deeper emotions that we experience in connection with the situation.
These emotions that become the trigger for rage are in most cases based on one of four reasons.
- Someone, by word or deed, intentionally or accidentally hurt your pride, humiliated you, demonstrated your insignificance. This is one of the most common causes of anger. Vanity is a painful point for all humanity.
- Someone is offering you attention, intimacy, care that you are not ready to accept right now. The irritation that arises is self-defense, it works almost automatically.
- Someone is taking actions that are completely contrary to your values and ideals.
- Someone's actions disrupt your plans and make it difficult to achieve your goals.
If you determine which of these reasons caused the anger, it will be easier to deal with the anger. Let's take a closer look at these four groups.
Anger management when pride is hurt
Anger that arises in response to criticism or humiliation is called narcissistic by psychologists. The majority’s reaction to it is predictable: people turn into children who push away the offender and shout to him: “You’re like that!” Those who are more restrained and rational have another desire - to try to explain themselves, to point out to their counterpart that he was mistaken in his criticism, to get him to change his mind.
Unfortunately, these tactics most often do not work. If you lose your temper, the matter will escalate into a conflict in which your offender is unlikely to admit that you are right. If you start explaining yourself, you will most likely be considered a bore and will hardly be listened to.
What does it look like in life
Let’s imagine a husband and father (well, let’s say Kolya), who returns home after a day of work, sees wallpaper painted by children, a tired wife Nastya, and in addition discovers a mountain of dirty dishes in the kitchen. “You’ve been sitting at home all day, couldn’t you at least wash the dishes?!” - he flashes.
Nastya predictably boils in response. She wants to shout: “You can’t! Try to “stay at home” yourself, I’ll see how you cope with two children, run shopping with them, feed everyone, read a book with them, hang out the laundry!” In the heat of the moment, Nastya is ready to list to Kolya all the housework she does, but he doesn’t notice.
And, at first glance, Nastya is right. But if she gives vent to her indignation, this will only worsen the conflict.
What to do
Understand that anger in this case is a secondary feeling. Most likely, Nastya’s indignation hides not anger at her husband at all, but two other feelings.
Sadness
Sadness because a loved one sees Nastya not as she would like to look in his eyes. Not a wife who puts a lot of effort into creating a “reliable rear” for her husband and being a good mother for their common children, but a lazy person and a slob.
If this is the case, then the best solution is to voice your true emotion. Tell Kolya: “I’m very upset that you’re scolding me.” Most likely, he will answer: “And what do you think I’m wrong about?!” And only now comes the moment when Nastya makes sense to indulge in explanations, because Kolya has expressed his readiness to listen to her.
Fear
This feeling is also often hidden behind narcissistic anger. Nastya is worried: if Kolya really considers her a slob, what if he doesn’t want to live with her anymore? What if he starts looking for another woman?
If Nastya is really afraid of separation, she again needs to voice her feelings. For example, ask: “You say that... Does this mean you love me less?”
To this Kolya can answer: “I love you, but I’m so tired after work. I just want to come to a clean house where I’m greeted with dinner.” From an aggressor in Nastya’s eyes, Kolya will turn into what he is - a tired man who nevertheless loves her and the children. The fear will dissipate, and with it the anger will go away. And life’s problems can be solved without raising their voices at each other.
Holding your feelings in is not always helpful and can lead to other problems. However, it's good to know that you still have a choice in how you respond.
Ilse Sand
Anger management when we get defensive
This is also a common situation: there are times when we need to be alone. This happens when internal resources are depleted and a person needs a break to gather his strength again. Offers of care or help at such moments are not always welcome. Unconsciously defending ourselves from “invasion,” we push away loved ones.
What does it look like in life
For the past three months, Nina has been desperately working hard at work, hoping for a promotion. But for some reason, management chose another employee. Nina returns home. She feels exhausted and empty, and doesn’t quite understand what to do next.
Nina’s husband Sergei also comes home. He smiles and brings groceries into the kitchen, but Nina has neither the desire nor the strength to communicate with him. She silently begins to prepare dinner.
At this moment, Sergei tries to hug her playfully and Nina feels irritation flare up in her. She abruptly shakes off his hand and wants to say: “Don’t touch me! Better go peel the potatoes!”
Most likely, these words will offend Sergei with all the ensuing consequences for family relationships. In the morning, Nina will wake up with the sad thought that she is neither appreciated at work nor understood at home.
What to do
Again, understand that the anger that Nina experiences in response to the touch is secondary. It is not Sergei who causes her irritation: it is associated with a completely normal desire to be alone for some time.
And the smartest thing to do would be to say it out loud. For example, like this: “I don’t feel like talking right now, let me be alone.” Or in other words: “Sorry, you have nothing to do with it. I need to think a little, okay? When he lets go, I’ll tell you about it.”
Yes, in such cases it can be difficult to pull yourself together and formulate your feelings so as not to offend a loved one. If you notice that you cannot cope with anger and are pushing away loved ones whose help you still need, it is worth discussing this situation with a psychotherapist.
We cannot waste our lives suffering because we push away those we need so much.
Ilse Sand
How to avoid and cope with auto-aggression
You need to learn to express negative emotions in a socially acceptable way without harming yourself. If you are angry with a person, tell him so. Don't keep it to yourself. People are capable of a wide range of experiences, and that's a beautiful thing. Anger, irritation, anger have the same right to exist as joy and pleasure. Don't be afraid to express your anger with words. Be aware of it, do not forbid yourself to be angry, because anger is not violence. If you learn to express emotions correctly, without harm to yourself and others, there will be no reason for self-aggression.
Listen to yourself more often, do not build your life solely on a sense of duty. No, the angels will not take you alive to heaven, even if you are too good for others, but it is very likely that you will stop being good to yourself. Allow yourself to have conflicts with other people, do not accumulate resentment and anger. Resolve internal conflicts when you want one thing but need to do something else. The fewer internal contradictions, the less tension and self-aggression.
Managing Anger When Someone Denies Our Values
We are all different, and it is not surprising that our habits, behavior, ideas about “right” and “wrong” differ. Sometimes the differences are so great that they cause anger.
What does it look like in life
Masha loves her job, but does not like her colleague Inna Pavlovna, who catches her in the corridor and begins to talk for a long, long time about what Masha is completely uninterested in: about the dacha, seedlings, grandson Kesha and chickenpox.
Sometimes Masha is ready to flare up: “Inna Pavlovna, why are you pestering me! I also have a lot of problems, I’m not dumping them on you! I value your personal space, so you will learn to value mine!”
But this is a destructive option: at the very least it will ruin the relationship. At the very least, Inna Pavlovna will remember that she is the chief accountant here, and this will not end well for Masha, who occupies a lower position.
What to do
Realize: Inna Pavlovna’s whole fault lies in the fact that she behaves in a way that Masha would never behave. And here there are two options.
Firstly, you can try to persuade the “offender” to change his behavior so that it no longer contradicts Masha’s life principles. This can be done by citing, for example, the abundance of work. “Sorry, Inna Pavlovna, I’m very, very busy right now, the report is on fire!” - and repeat this mantra at every meeting.
Secondly, you can think about your own principles and perhaps reconsider some of them. That's why Masha tries not to tell anyone about her problems? Maybe she is afraid to strain those around her? Or does he consider them petty and of no interest to anyone? But this is a manifestation of complexes! It may well be that her colleagues, if Masha learns to share her experiences with them, will be able to give practical advice. Allowing both others and yourself to talk about what “hurts” is a good solution.
If you place too high demands on yourself, you often get annoyed with those who allow themselves to relax.
Ilse Sand
However, if we are talking about values and ideas, we will have to take a different approach. If, say, you care about the environment, you will probably get angry when you see someone polluting it. And in this case, your indignation will be justified. Standing up for your values will make you feel much better. Well, in order to feel more confident, it makes sense to join an organization in which the value system is similar to yours.
What is verbal aggression
Verbal aggression is no less destructive than physical attacks.
It often manifests itself subtly, day after day, and makes your time in the office unbearable, says Florence Benichou, a specialist in improving the quality of life at work and general manager of the Better Human Co. coaching center.
The DARES research agency of the French Ministry of Labor has listed the signs of verbal aggression:
— degrading remarks
— contemptuous attitude
— non-recognition of labor
Marie Pezet, Doctor of Psychology, consultant on improving the working climate, noted that 30% of employees in France have experienced this at least once.
DARES noted that aggressive behavior is more common in organizations where:
— there are no clear boundaries in the work schedule and in relationships within the team
— lack of material resources
— strict supervisor-subordinate boundaries are established
Workers who experience aggression from coworkers are more likely to complain about health problems, have accidents at work, and take time off work.
Marie Pese:
A stressful work environment makes employees more anxious, and for some, anxiety manifests itself through aggression. People who work in stressful conditions are 66% more likely to be aggressive than others.
This behavior is often aggravated by ignorance of the law by employers, who must prevent it and repel the aggressor.
IDEWE Group, a specialist in preventing such incidents at work, conducted a survey among 45,000 French workers. It showed that every ninth employee faces insults, threats of physical violence or aggression.
The construction, public service and industry sectors are most susceptible to intra-team aggression (58.3% of cases). And in the healthcare and education sectors, aggression from the outside is more common, primarily from clients (64.9% and 57.4%).
Managing anger when someone disrupts our plans
In these situations we do not get what we want, and yet they do not fall into any of the other three categories. Here are some examples.
- It seems to you that someone is preventing you from achieving your goal (putting a spoke in your wheels).
- You don't get what you want (you feel disappointed).
- Others violate your boundaries by touching your things or dancing with your partner, clinging too closely to him. The latter provokes anger similar to the anger of animals when a stranger invades their territory.
What does it look like in life
Let's say your neighbor parks right in front of your garage. You can leave, but you will have to spend more time and effort on it than usual, and you’re already late! The first desire is to kick the offender’s car in the wheel, and when he gets out, tell him everything you think about him.
Taking out the anger seems like a good solution in this case. But, unfortunately, this will not lead to anything good. Most likely, you will hear from your neighbor something like: “I left the car for two minutes, and you threw a tantrum!” or “Who gave you the right to talk to me in that tone?!” As a result, you will have one more ill-wisher.
When you are angry, you have an unfulfilled desire. If you realize exactly what you want and convey it to your opponent instead of anger, you will achieve much better results in the long run.
Ilse Sand
Which people are most often self-aggressive?
Of course, emotionally unstable, impulsive people are at risk. They cope worse with outbursts of anger, including those directed at themselves. But not only. Quiet, flexible and disciplined people are often unconsciously self-aggressive. They do not express emotions, they are always tactful and restrained, but their experiences accumulate. And sooner or later they come out in the form of psychosomatic diseases of blood vessels, heart or gastrointestinal tract.
Whether a person engages in self-aggression or not is also influenced by the environment. If it is not customary in the family to express dissatisfaction or discuss relationships at all, negative emotions are more likely to manifest themselves in periodic outbreaks of auto-aggressive behavior.
