Married? Why not?
Despite the fact that I got married without love, I never had any thoughts of cheating on my husband. Many people, when they hear the words “married not for love,” immediately think: “What a selfish and calculating bitch!”
But it wasn’t about money, an apartment, a car, etc. By the way, we lived in rented housing, earned approximately the same and shared all the hardships of a life that was not poor, but far from luxurious.
I got married because I wanted to move away from my mother as soon as possible, with whom we had a rather difficult, strained relationship. And my eternal desire to start an independent adult life as soon as possible also had an impact.
So I chose from my circle a man who more or less met my standards of an ideal husband and who, moreover, was not indifferent to me, and began to build my “adult life” brick by brick.
And it worked out well. We got along well, we were interested together as friends, intimately everything was fine, but the fact that my heart didn’t skip a beat when I saw him and my legs didn’t give way when he kissed me, it all seemed to me like romantic nonsense that was invented stupid teenage girls.
Is it worth forgiving betrayal?
No one is immune from such a turn of events, and only the person himself can decide for himself whether he should forgive his spouse or not. Infidelity on the part of a woman greatly affects self-esteem, and therefore it is not always so easy to make the right decision.
After a representative of the stronger sex finds out about his partner’s infidelity, he is in shock and may not decide for himself whether to forgive her for cheating or not.
During the first hours, the solution to this issue is usually negative. After the resentment and pain have subsided a little, the man can again reason sensibly.
Relationships that have been going on for a long time are extremely difficult to break, especially if there are children. Despite the betrayal, the representative of the stronger sex continues to have feelings for his wife.
It is important to understand what pushed the girl to such an act, and if there was no guilt on the part of the husband, then there is no point in forgiving. If a person is ready to forget everything, then he should not do it right away. Often this is fraught with the fact that the cheater will understand that she can get away with anything, and she can continue to hope for forgiveness.
If she acts incorrectly, a woman will understand her impunity
If a man did not behave entirely correctly towards his wife, then it is worth reflecting on this, and, perhaps, forgiving the girl who stumbled, and try to save the family.
Many husbands wonder: if a woman cheated once, will she cheat again? No one will give an exact answer to this.
Most likely, even the woman herself does not know whether she will continue to betray or will be able to change. Adultery is not always planned.
For example, a wife cheats for the first time due to alcohol intoxication and terribly regrets what happened. But who can guarantee that she won’t make a mistake again, even after many years?
Along a crooked path
And everything was fine with us, until one day I was drawn to adventure... How could I even get involved in such an adventure, I was perplexed for a long time. Probably, alcohol was to blame for everything, as it always was, probably, when I cheated on my husband for the first time. And it was like this.
One day my friend and I got ready to organize our next girls’ get-together with wine and heart-to-heart conversations. But this time, her young man inserted himself into our women’s company, who diluted our communication not only with his presence, but also with a rather large portion of alcohol.
In general, word for word, jokes, conversations, gags. I don’t know how it happened, but he managed to trick us into something that many men secretly dream about... In general, the three of us decided to sleep together.
As a lover of experiments, I willingly went for it, not even thinking that this was treason! And I thought about it a little later, when I was in a taxi on my way home to my husband and was digesting everything that had happened.
I repented right away, because it wasn’t worth it. I was once again convinced that I am still completely “for the boys.” And the fact is that in bed with two women at once, a man is not able to pay due attention. The first betrayal of my husband in general did not suit me.
“I confessed to cheating on my husband”: personal experience
Attack of the truth-uterus
“The fact is that for our psyche, simply parting with you is one thing, but when you are exchanged for someone, it is completely different,” says practicing psychologist Elena Pikhovkina. - Finishing off with revelations the one you are leaving is the same as beating someone who is lying down. And expecting to clear your conscience with the help of confession and start all over again (to cheer you up, teach you a lesson, take revenge) is the height of naivety!
Stories from her practice confirm what has been said (all names have been changed. - Author ).
28-year-old Alena is still experiencing the collapse of her beautiful love story:
“From the first day of our life together, Vadim and I everything went smoothly, no adjustments, no everyday troubles. I looked at him and envied myself - how lucky I was! I was euphoric...
This euphoria lasted for more than a year. The disaster broke out on the very evening when Vadim came with a ring and proposed to Alena.
- Of course, I agreed! Then we sat over a bottle of wine and remembered our first meeting. Vadim said that he fell in love at first sight... And then the devil pulled me! I still don’t really understand how this happened! I wanted to convey to Vadim that love for him flared up in me, although not immediately, but seriously and for a long time.
Alena wanted to enter such a serious stage of a relationship as a legal marriage with a clear conscience, to start everything from scratch:
“I confessed to Vadim that for the first three months of our meetings I had a “parallel” gentleman. And that I decisively left him as soon as I realized that my feelings for Vadim were serious. I remember how Vadim’s face changed...
According to Alena, no “cinema” scenes followed:
“For some reason, Vadim tried to clarify everything directly by the days when exactly I broke up with the “parallel” one,” shares Alena. “I was still honestly trying to remember the dates, but I was thinking to myself, what does it matter if it was six months ago, and now we’re together and happy?!”
That evening they finished the wine and promised to remain faithful to each other in the future. But that's when something broke.
“Petty quarrels over trifles began between us, mutual discontent. My confession created irritation in him, which he tried to cope with, but could not. I understand this now, after a year of working with a psychologist, but then Vadim’s statement was out of the blue.
About a month after Alena’s fatal frankness, Vadim suggested breaking up with her:
“He softened it as best he could,” Alena admits. — He said that he was being sent on an urgent business trip for an indefinite period. And for us, this is, they say, an opportunity to live separately and once again test our feelings... I, of course, packed my things and left, and Vadim promised to call as soon as the business trip became clear.
A week later, he called and said that he “thought he could live with this, but nothing is working out, and he and Alena should break up.”
“Like, it hurts him to imagine that in those very days and nights when he was only thinking about me, I slept with another man,” Alena recounts the words of the would-be groom. - “It would be better if you didn’t tell me this!” - that’s what he said...
“If the betrayal is accidental, then, by and large, there is nothing wrong with it,” says practicing psychologist Elena Pikhovkina. “But to solemnly report it means to give it the status of a significant event and put your partner before a choice - to forgive and stay or to show pride and leave. Love is a possessive feeling. And although many couples declare that “a bitter truth is better than a sweet lie,” in reality, few are really ready for this truth. To forgive or not to forgive betrayal is a matter of degree, but not of love, but of pride. You can love very much and that is why you cannot forgive infidelity. But you can not love very much, and that is why you can turn a blind eye to your partner’s actions. Most often, it is the loving, decent woman who suffers the most after an accidental betrayal. She is tempted to clear her conscience and “return honesty to the relationship” by confessing everything to the man, “so that there are no secrets between us.” She hopes that it will become easier for her, but she does not think, will it become easier for a man? At the same time, women living in arranged marriages argue, although more cynically, but they spare the pride of their husbands. If you are planning a future together with a man, find the strength to remain silent about your sins. If you can't wait to repent, tell someone you trust, but not the partner you cheated on. Have pity on both yourself and your partner: living in the role of a “forgiver”, knowing the truth, is very difficult, and it is possible that, having forgiven in words, sooner or later he will still not be able to stand it. You can only be frank about the time when you were not yet a couple. And even then with great caution: it is unpleasant for men to share their woman with another, even in her memories.
For most men, the axiom “not to confess to anything” sits so deep that they cannot be talked into conversation even under torture or hypnosis. However, as it turns out, the “truth of a paroxysmal nature” is also familiar to them.
“I was married to Nastya for four years when I met Yulia,” says 36-year-old Nikolai. “I loved Nastya very much, but Yulka seemed to blow my mind!” At first I thought, I’ll sleep with her and calm down. But then I only began to be drawn to her even more. For three months I ran to her on any occasion. Then I decided that since this was the case, I needed to leave Nastya. But I still didn’t dare to have a frank conversation with my wife; I felt sorry for both her and my 3-year-old daughter.
Nikolai still had not spoken to his wife when, showing up without calling, he found his Yulia with someone else.
“I was so overwhelmed that I rushed to Nastya, confessed my love to her, and at the same time that I had made a terrible mistake. It was sincere. I wanted to say that this mistake only proved how much I love my family, that from now on I will never even look in the direction of other women... At first Nastya just blinked her eyes, then burst into tears. She said that she guessed that I had someone, but did not want to believe it. Then she started asking for details. But then I let go, and was smart enough to do without the details.
Nikolai says that Nastya seemed to have forgiven him, the family survived... but it’s impossible to live in it!
“Since then there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t cursed myself for this impulse!” My wife endlessly reminds me of infidelity, even when it is completely inappropriate. You were detained at work - what, was you wandering around again? I'm going to visit my mother - have I gone crazy? And now I can’t even say a word to my wife, even when she’s outright wrong, she always has one excuse - that’s my story. Recently, for example, on Saturday evening I left to meet my girlfriends, returned after midnight, drunk... I made a remark to her, calmly, and she told me: “Who would say, at least I’m with girlfriends, and not with men!” It’s very disgusting when you are endlessly nagged for something that happened and disappeared!
“The male version of “clearing the conscience,” the psychologist assesses Nikolai’s impulse. — Women more often forgive infidelity, but this does not mean that it is easier for them to live with this knowledge. Wives who have been deceived once are constantly tormented by doubts from the series: he knows that I know and forgave, which means he can do it again... That is why wives who have forgiven cannot cope with themselves and constantly remind their husbands of what they have done: they hope that in this way they will warn him from a new error. And living with these endless reminders is difficult for both parties.
Photo: Gennady Cherkasov
Cheered up with what happened
According to 29-year-old Nadezhda, her husband Igor, now ex-husband, is a reserved, silent person, stingy with emotions.
“He’s only three years older than me, but it feels like he’s still 33!” - Nadya shares. “We were together for just over two years.” At first everything was fine. Of course, even then Igor was not an emotional chatterbox, but still I felt like a woman next to him. At the beginning of our family life, we also had a lot of intimacy, intimate conversations... I did most of the talking, but Igor listened carefully and gave feedback. But gradually it all faded away. Marital duty turned into a debt; the husband fulfilled it strictly on Saturdays. I didn’t feel any passion, sometimes it seemed to me that I was living with a polite robot. I was sorely lacking in emotions! I tell him what a scandal we have at work, and he tells me: “Yes!” - and that’s it! I wanted there to be trust and frankness between us. Well, intimacy, of course, passion. But a husband is like an oyster that nothing can lure out of its shell.
With this, Nadezhda explains that, having gone to an on-site corporate training, she responded to the advances of a married colleague and slept with him.
“It’s clear that there were no serious intentions on anyone’s part,” admits the unfaithful wife. “We just drank, danced, wanted to cheer up, feel like a woman.” The next morning it was a little awkward, of course, to still work with this person. I suddenly thought that I would never have done this if Igor had not behaved like a frostbitten! And I decided that he should share responsibility with me. It occurred to me to cheer him up too.
Returning home, Nadya waited for the right moment and repented that “a colleague managed to seduce her.”
“Igor’s nerves began to ache, his fists clenched, but literally a minute later he pulled himself together and said: “If you’re talking about this, it means it’s in the past for you. I'm glad. Let's close this topic forever." That's all!
Nadya admits that it would be better if her husband yelled at her or even raised his hand:
- A healthy man cannot remain so indifferent when his wife cheated on him! And this one forgave me within a minute! The psychologist says that he just has such self-control, in fact it was hard for him. But how do I know why it’s hard for him? Is it because he doesn’t have his own housing in the capital, but he’s more comfortable with me?!
Be that as it may, after the fatal confession of his wife, life together turned out to be short-lived - less than a month passed before Nadya kicked out Igor.
“On the outside, it’s kind of stupid: she cheated with a random person and she herself kicked out her husband, who didn’t drink or party,” Nadya smiles bitterly. “But from that conversation, when I look at my husband, I remember his reaction to my confession!” It was hard for me to live with a cold person, but it turns out that it is completely impossible to live with a man who is not touched even by betrayal!
“Lack of attention is a textbook reason for female infidelity,” the psychologist sums up. — Due to the peculiarities of female physiology, few women, unlike men, simply want intimacy with a new partner. If a woman is seriously in love, she will do everything possible to build a strong relationship with her lover. If there are no serious plans, but the woman continues to “walk to the left,” it means that in this way she is either testing her attractiveness (increasing self-esteem), or trying to attract the attention of her main partner (husband), or taking revenge on him.
Come up with something!
But the unfaithful partners who “came up with something” never regretted it.
“About five years ago I had a whirlwind romance on the side,” recalls Tatyana, now she is 41. “I was seriously planning to leave for my lover.” We decided everything, all that remained was to talk to him with his wife, and me with my husband. I was so carried away that I thought the least about my husband, I didn’t even hide much anymore, I came late, sometimes I didn’t even show up for the night. But I still put off the decisive conversation, I wanted to better prepare for it, to weigh every word. After all, we lived in perfect harmony for 13 years, we have a daughter together, and I didn’t want to spoil the relationship at all. I kept thinking about how to more carefully confront him with the fact that I was leaving.
While Tatyana was gathering her thoughts, her husband suddenly called her to open up. He stated that he is not blind and sees perfectly well what is happening to his wife:
— He suggested that we talk frankly and try to start everything from scratch. Like, he confesses his sins to me, and I confess to him.
To prove the honesty of his intentions, the husband told his wife about a couple of brief adulteries that happened to him during business trips. And he began to wait for reciprocal frankness.
- I suddenly felt so disgusted! - Tanya is still surprised at her reaction. “I didn’t expect this from him at all!” How dare he cheat on me?! It seemed to me that I had stopped loving my husband a long time ago, and then suddenly such anger arose in me! And I suddenly took it and out of spite said to him: “Yes? But I’ve never cheated on you, I’ve been faithful all these 13 years!” Then it was his turn to fall into precipitate! Of course, he suspected something, noticed... And suddenly his faithful wife was in front of him!
Tanya recalls that after that conversation her husband noticeably cheered up:
“He didn’t want to part with me and was very afraid of my confession, because after something like that you can’t keep silent, you have to decide something.” And, apparently, fate was on his side! Soon everything went wrong with my lover...
Tanya’s lover was never able to leave the family and suggested that she continue to meet in secret. Tatyana was not satisfied with this, they broke up.
“I stayed with my husband,” Tatyana sums up. “Although I was still bothered by his revealed infidelities for a long time.” I think that I was able to forgive them only because at that time I myself was in love with someone else. And still, I secretly consoled myself with the hope that my husband had come up with all this, so that when we parted, we would be even. Now everything is fine with us, like a renaissance of past love. And I know one thing for sure: if I had found out about my husband’s infidelity not under such circumstances, it would have been a terrible blow!
“In the old days, abreks (mountain robbers) adhered to an unspoken rule: reporting to an elder meant forcing him to take action,” the psychologist draws an analogy. “For example, the leader of the abreks himself could guess that some of his entourage were dishonest with him, but for various reasons he would refrain from punishment. But if someone lower than him reported this to him, the elder was obliged to react so as not to lose authority among his subjects. This “law of the mountains” fully applies to betrayal in love. Sometimes the “leader” himself does not want unpleasant news that pushes him to punish the culprit. After all, guessing is one thing, but knowing for sure is quite another.
59-year-old Alexei is proud that he lived with his wife for almost 40 years, although he left her twice for other women. Alexey considers silence to be the key to his family happiness. And “repentance,” in his opinion, is only a seemingly honest act, but in reality it is extreme cruelty. And it will bring nothing but additional torment to the deceived side:
- In the matter of treason, simplicity is worse than theft! There is such a thing as a white lie. And in case of adultery, salvation is in silence. I left twice, but it didn’t work out, I returned to my family. And both times my wife took me back. Do you know why? Because I never admitted that I was leaving for someone else! He said anything but this. I need to think, be alone. Let's live separately for a while. I have problems at work. Men's health is playing tricks - anything is good except admitting that you preferred someone else to her! A woman is designed this way: even if she forgives in words, she will never forget in her soul. And then it depends on the character. The bitch will burn it down and start remembering it no matter what. And the one who is unsure of herself will suffer in silence and, just a little, suspect that you will leave again.
Well, each of us has the right to personal space and secrets that our beloved half is not only not necessary to know, but even harmful. But it’s even better not to poison yourself with “terrible secrets”, living by the principle: I don’t cheat because I respect my choice, and therefore myself.
Came to confess after betrayal
I organically cannot digest lies: I hate it when they try to deceive me, and I try not to do this myself. Therefore, I decided to tell my husband everything as soon as I returned home.
As expected, he reacted violently. I have never heard such fiery speeches from him in our entire life together. And I stood in front of him with my head down, and didn’t even try to make excuses, because I knew that I was entirely to blame.
And I realized that guilt was the only thing I felt at that moment. I had no fear that he would kick me out of the house, no worries that our family was destroyed. At that moment, I realized once again that I didn’t love him at all and didn’t value him. That’s why, apparently, the first betrayal of my husband happened.
I have suspicions that my wife is cheating on me - what should I do first?
First, take a breath and collect your thoughts: according to statistics, only 18% of suspicions about cheating turn out to be true. There are no ideal families, everyone has quarrels, misunderstandings arise, sometimes a woman completely withdraws or withdraws into herself, refuses intimacy due to resentment or fatigue, but still continues to love only you and no one else.
Therefore, keep a list of what you EXACTLY shouldn’t do out of emotion:
- Try not to growl at your wife, behave as usual and don’t think about the worst case scenario for now, it still needs to be tested, and you can’t return a broken relationship.
- There is definitely no need to bombard a woman with jealous questions like “why were you late?”, “where were you?”, “who were you with?” and so on. Even if your loved one is cheating, she won’t tell you about it, and if it’s fiction, then relationships in the family will only heat up and become tense.
- With a 100% guarantee, you do not need to follow your wife on your heels every time she goes somewhere without you. It’s better to just file for divorce if everything is so terrible and find someone you can definitely trust.
And now is the time to raise a list of specific signs of your spouse’s infidelity, which you can definitely focus on. Analyze the relationship and answer “Yes, this is about my wife,” or “No, this does not happen in our family” to each item on the list of signs of infidelity. The more points that match your situation, the more likely it is that your wife is cheating on you with another man.
You may be interested in: “Jealousy in relationships and how to deal with it”
Forgave... Is it necessary?
Having heard from him everything that I deserved to hear, I just asked if I could spend the night here again today. And tomorrow I was going to go to my mother with all my belongings. My husband's reaction simply stunned me.
You should have seen what fear, what confusion, what despair was reflected on his face! Then I realized that we were in an unequal position. After all, as it turned out, he really loves me and is afraid of losing me, so he is ready to forgive even such a vile act as betrayal.
It would seem that I should have been happy that my usual way of life did not collapse and everything remained as it was. But at that moment I realized that I had lost any remaining respect for this person. And that the first betrayal of her husband was not the last! And I will be able to cheat on him more than once, only next time I won’t even feel remorse.
So, despite the fact that I am a cheater myself, I want to give advice to all those who have been cheated on by their loved ones: no matter how you feel, never show the cheater that you are ready to unconditionally forgive him just because you are afraid of losing him.
If you are able to forgive betrayal, then make sure that your forgiveness must be earned. Otherwise, the first time I cheated on my husband, I’ll cheat on the second one too...
https://zen.yandex.ru/media/adult/izmenila-muju-pervyi-raz-da-esce-kak-5ad5d5ccdcaf8ec3bc7323b7
If a wife cheated on her husband, will she still cheat?
It is imperative to understand why the infidelity occurred, and it is worth talking openly about it, because then you will be able to find out what motives motivated the chosen one and how to proceed further. Perhaps it was just a terrible mistake. But it also happens that the cause of infidelity cannot be eliminated.
Having understood the reasons, a man will be able to understand how possible it is to restore normal relationships.
- If sex was an accident, and the lady absolutely and sincerely repents, then the chances of cheating again are minimal.
- When problems in the family are obvious, and no one is going to work on the relationship, not much time will pass before the next adultery.
There is life before betrayal and there is life after. Therefore, what happened before remains in the past forever. You can’t remember this, joke about it, talk about it. Once a general decision has been made to work on the relationship, to be committed, returning to this topic is prohibited.
Accusations, discussing mistakes during quarrels, exaggerating one’s guilt, self-torture - a firm “no” to all this.
If you forget about this step and periodically return to discussing betrayal (even without evaluation, out of banal interest), you can ruin everything.
READ
How to react to your husband’s betrayal: advice from a psychologist
So is it worth forgiving your wife's infidelity?
The road to forgiveness is long
And then more
But the day came when I, driven into a frenzy by his kisses and caresses, no longer understood anything and missed the quick movement of his hand inside, under my jeans. I woke up only when he firmly, like a master, took a handful of everything from me - there! For a dozen or two seconds I stood as if paralyzed, obediently placing my “treasure” in the palm of the Master. And I understood that that was it. There is no longer any moral right to consider oneself a “faithful wife.” And when he once again offered me a meeting on “neutral territory”, I went. I made a last desperate attempt to “save face” - I undressed in front of him, lay down, and invited him to my place (as if it was my own decision).
But the truth was different. He seduced me, and I, contrary to all my principles and ideas of decency, could not resist. For a banal reason - she fell for sex. But how sweet it was, this sex! Perhaps that was the whole point. If at any stage my friend had turned out to be worse than my husband, then all the experiments would apparently have been completed. But, starting from that historic first kiss, everything went in such a way that the friend turned out to be better! And much better. So much so that, having tasted this pleasure, I myself wrote him a pass to the next stage. And again and again he managed to amaze, surprise, delight me, make me desire him - contrary to my beliefs and principles.
I don't regret it. We remained lovers for several years. It was with him that I learned all aspects of female sexuality, in its most unexpected and even strange manifestations. I experienced both the satisfaction of a proud beauty catching an admiring glance, and the happiness of a lustful creature groveling before the Master and pathetically begging for copulation. Just as selflessly as I had previously denied betrayal, I now did anything for my love on the side. We separated due to insurmountable circumstances, for both of us it was a tragedy.
My husband never found out about anything. Now I have been a “faithful wife” again for many years. That betrayal is a thing of the past, it was the first and only. I don’t blame myself, I won’t blame it on my husband, on his inattention, as women often like to do. I regard what happened simply - my real Master, appointed to me by fate, came and took me. This is my story about love and betrayal. I always remember him. He is far away, but in my heart he is always close, closer than my husband. I think it will stay that way forever.
https://lovehelp.ru/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=114
How to react to your wife's cheating
So, my wife cheated: but how can I move on now? When the fact of infidelity has been established, you should not immediately rush to find out the circumstances.
A person needs to cool down, think with his head, and not speak from his heart. To do this, you need to step back, distance yourself from the situation:
- do your job;
- meet old friends;
- visit another city.
Finding happiness in marriage will not be easy.
You need to pay attention to your better half. If there is a desire to save the family, it is important to find out what motivated the woman. You can't give in to feelings.
The main task is to hear the person, to find out what the better half is saying, without wasting time on your own experiences. There is no point in sorting things out with your lover. This issue must be resolved within the family. You need to get rid of the extra third completely.
