Misunderstandings with a loved one can arise at any stage of married life - in the first few years after marriage or after the birth of children, and even after several decades of living together.
There's nothing wrong with that. We are all living people with our own life positions and interests. However, if you have chosen your partner to live together, it means that you have something in common, it’s just lost among everyday problems.
Everyday problems
The main cause of all conflicts is the inability to live together. People who were raised in different social conditions do not get along well with each other. A scandal over unwashed dishes or unopened toothpaste may seem strange to some. Now imagine that the dishes that you have been accustomed to seeing clean all your life suddenly cease to be so. Or the paste will stop closing. Such little things, which at first can be treated leniently, gradually begin to irritate. Family discord begins with a small crack. One partner asks the other to change his habits. If a person does not hear his soulmate or does not want to change himself, then soon a major quarrel can be expected. You need to be able to change and adapt to the requirements of a loved one. Yes, it will be difficult, but you can win a lot more. A good attitude from your significant other who notices positive changes in you will pay dividends.
Boredom
What is the second most popular cause of discord in families? If one of the partners was unable to realize himself, did not find any hobby, he will not live his life, but the life of his other half. In this case, the life of a partner who has his own interests will become unbearable. Why? Constant calls and SMS will be annoying. A person will not be able to concentrate on work or on his hobby, since his significant other will be bored at home and will demand attention. In the evening, when the person wants to relax, the restless partner will walk around and talk about going to the cinema or to a restaurant. A person who cannot find something to do on his own is unbearable. It's boring and uninteresting to be with him. Such a person will not be able to tell anything, but will demand that everyone around her entertain her. Most often, such individuals are women, but exceptions to this rule are not as rare as we would like.
Causes of family discord
Each family is individual, so each has its own problems. The causes of discord are often standard situations:
- I'm tired of everyday life. This includes items on earning and spending, cleaning and cooking, and maternity leave.
- The desire to subjugate a partner. It happens in families where one of the spouses occupies a leadership position, or earns much more than his other half; the crisis is especially difficult when the wife finds herself in a leadership position.
- Excessive controlling spouse. Not only constant interrogations on the topic: where you have been / have been and where you are going, and when you will return, but also a total check of incoming calls, messages, and emails.
- Problems at work and the transfer of worries because of them into the family.
- Treason.
- The tendency of one of the spouses to have bad habits.
Discord in the family after the birth of a child
A crisis can occur not only after the birth of the baby, but already during the wife’s pregnancy. Most pregnant women experience sudden mood swings, may demand increased attention from their spouse, although they are not deprived of it, and may ask for their whims to be fulfilled, regardless of the time of day. And many men are not ready for this.
They simply do not know that pregnant wives demand a lot not because of their character, but “at the behest” of hormones. But the behavior of women so discourages their husbands from desire for tenderness and intimacy that this can develop into serious family discord.
After the birth of a child, the wife does not physically have time to attend to everyday life - taking care of the child always comes first. Bathing, feeding, rocking, and walking take up almost all of the time. Plus, you still need to clean the house and prepare food. Something from this list will definitely fall out. Most often, cleaning suffers. But not every husband will understand this. In his opinion, since the wife is at home, she must keep up with everything. This point of view is the first reason for family discord in the postpartum period.
Sometimes after childbirth a woman does not want to have intimacy. It begins to seem to the husband that his wife “kicked him out” of her world, which before the birth of the baby belonged to the two of them, that she does not allow him to touch her out of harm and stupid troubles.
And the wife has completely objective reasons: fatigue, physical weakness after childbirth, worries about her changed figure.
Solution to the problem: do not hush up your expectations and disappointments, talk frankly about what is happening.
If family quarrels are about money
This is one of the most common causes of family discord.
First option: spouses quarrel because both earn little and there is always not enough money.
The second option: one of the spouses earns many times more, reproaches the other for his inability to provide for his family. The situation is especially aggravated if someone in the family overly controls spending, gives little money for necessary purchases, and does not allow them to spend too much, although there is an opportunity for this.
To solve this problem, it is necessary to not plan the budget completely jointly. In the first case, part of the money can be invested in necessary purchases. And the rest should be put aside for everyone’s pocket expenses. If you don’t have enough, it’s better to give up some of the necessary items, but buy something nice for yourself.
In the second case, the spending of money is distributed by the one who earned it, but not personally, but in a family council. Here the advisability of spending money on various needs is decided; in order to avoid offending other family members, it is necessary to listen to their arguments in favor and express yours.
Reluctance to be intimate with husband
One of the reasons for the reluctance to have intimate intimacy has already been named - problems in the postpartum period in a woman.
But there are others:
- suspicion of treason;
- insufficient hygiene;
- disappearance of the feeling of freshness and romance in relationships;
- fatigue from the same type in intimate life and in life in general.
Each of the reasons requires dialogue between spouses. Not a monologue, when one speaks out and even breaks into a scream, and the second is “stuck” in an electronic game or puts on headphones with music. It is necessary to calmly discuss the situation without offending your partner with insults and suspicions. Listen to his position. And then start solving the problem together.
Other reasons
- You need to limit yourself if you have a desire to exert excessive control over your spouse. The best option is to engage in a useful, interesting and educational activity (dancing, yoga, painting). Firstly, there will be no time left to control the spouse, and secondly, self-development is necessary for every person.
- If the cause of discord in the family is difficulties at work for one of the spouses, the other just needs to put himself in his place and support. Just serve a cup of tea, pat him on the shoulder, say encouraging words. In most cases, such simple actions are enough.
- Addiction is one of the most serious causes of discord and is difficult to overcome. Addiction to alcohol, drugs and gambling is too addictive. It is impossible to overcome the situation on your own. But you can notice the problem in time and immediately seek help from a psychologist.
Divergence of Interests
Why does family discord occur? People who have common interests at the beginning of their life together may lose them over time. A person changes, he reconsiders his views on life and himself. It is not surprising that sometimes some part of his hobbies remains in the past. People who stop spending time together begin to grow apart. They have nothing to talk about. They no longer understand each other and cannot understand what went wrong in the relationship. The visible façade of happiness can only be a beautiful picture with nothing behind it. Such relationships can be called dead. If a person no longer understands his soulmate, and her presence nearby begins to irritate him, then he should first look for changes not in his partner, but in himself. If you have truly changed, talk to your loved one. Coldness in a relationship is always felt by two people. If you want to maintain a good and strong relationship for a long time, then you should not lose common interests. Even if you are no longer interested in an activity, find an area where common ground still exists.
Advice from a psychologist on family difficulties
When entering into marriage, partners must understand their responsibility to the newly created family.
One must approach the union consciously and thoughtfully choose a partner, guided not only by the emotion of passion, but also by reason.
The first difficulties appear already at the beginning of life together ; they should not be ignored, but must be solved.
An important thing in the ability to regulate family problems is the ability to conduct dialogue. If you don’t know how to talk to your partner, this will cause distance, misunderstanding, and dissatisfaction. How will he know what you want?
Or will you understand what your spouse needs if you don’t talk to him? Not everyone is able to correctly guess the thoughts of another person, so it is best to learn how to conduct a dialogue.
A conversation involves you expressing your point of view and listening to your partner's opinion.
Try to understand his motives, why he thinks a certain way. During a conversation, listen first and then prepare an answer, otherwise, immersed in your thoughts, you can miss the most important thing.
Pay attention to each other
Are you experiencing a rift in your family? What to do and how to restore the relationship? We need to try to pay each other as much attention as possible. People who grow apart begin to spend less time together. Have you noticed coldness on the part of your partner? Do not blame a person for losing his bright feelings for you. Take the initiative. Organize a romantic dinner for your loved one, give a small gift, or buy cinema or theater tickets. Try to pay attention by all means available to you. A person who will be surrounded by care and love will not be able to leave you. Relationships are a constant work in progress. If you don’t make any effort, you will get the same result. Take the time to talk to your partner in the evening instead of watching the next episode of your favorite TV series. If you play a major role in the life of your other half, then the attitude towards you will be the best.
More trust
Are you jealous? Your mistrust can cause discord in the family. What to do in such a situation? You need to understand that the more you trust a person, the stronger your relationship will be. What is jealousy? This is self-doubt. If you are jealous of your partner's colleagues or friends, it means that you think that the people around your significant other are more interesting than you. Is it really? If this is true, then it is stupid to be offended by others because they are smart and interesting individuals. Try your best to rise to their level. A person who is confident in himself will not be jealous of his partner. Trust is the most precious gift you can give to another person. A significant other who truly loves you will try to strengthen your confidence. If you see that a person meets your expectations over and over again, be sure to praise him. Your other half will be pleased that she lives up to your trust.
How to stop constant scandals?
In fact, they just need to be stopped, and it is enough for one of the spouses to change their attitude and the other will follow suit.
- Learn to take criticism calmly.
- A woman should show more gentleness, pliability, and wisdom.
- Stop overreacting to criticism, dissatisfaction, or your spouse’s bad mood.
- Think about it, if you are always criticized for the same reasons, perhaps there is a specific reason for this, and in this way your spouse wants to let you know what you would like to change.
- Know how to prioritize.
- Come to terms with your spouse’s conflictual nature and stop reacting to provocations. If they don’t answer him, then sooner or later he will have no reason for conflicts.
- Learn patience.
If conflicts do not stop and negatively affect children, this is a reason to think about whether you really need such a troubled family.
Don't give ultimatums
The reasons for discord in the family can be different: dissatisfaction with the partner, inflated expectations or exorbitant demands. Whatever the reason for your quarrel, do not be categorical. Don’t renounce or say that you will never do something or don’t intend to do it. Life is very interesting. Some time will pass, and you will be able to enjoy doing something that you never planned to do. Therefore, do not force yourself into limits. A loved one will lose trust in you if you promise not to do something over and over again, and a week later life forces you to break your word.
Also, never give an ultimatum. A woman who forces a man to choose between her and something else or someone else is stupid. Today your spouse chose you, but will he make such a choice tomorrow? The fewer conventions in your relationship, the simpler and more reliable they will be.
Tips on how to improve your relationship with your husband after a quarrel
It is normal when moments of tension and irritation arise in a couple, since we are all different people (each has his own character, outlook on life, upbringing). Any relationship requires attention and work on it. As a rule, measures to strengthen the union and find the causes of difficulties in marriage fall on women’s shoulders.
Advice from practicing psychologists will help you find harmony in your marriage after quarrels:
- Look for the real reason for your grievances. Often a wife reproaches a man for trifles, like socks scattered around the apartment, when in fact she is wildly jealous of his neighbor. Don't try to mask the real cause of your conflicts, otherwise these tensions will never go away.
- Learn to ask for forgiveness. It happens that pride destroys harmony within a union. Don’t hold a grudge, because your husband is the closest person to whom there is no shame in apologizing for some offense.
- Let the man let off some steam. Don’t get into trouble, let your spouse cool down. Conversations and attempts at reconciliation should only begin when you feel his calmness. It is possible that he himself will step towards you to resolve the conflict.
- Use a trick - surprise your husband with something pleasant. You asked for forgiveness, but there was no result? Feed your spouse a delicious dinner, offer to go for a walk, to be alone. It will work!
Don't wash dirty linen in public
Do you believe in a lining for family discord? Even the most non-superstitious people can believe that others have interfered with their happiness. You don't have to be superstitious to understand that there are too many ill-wishers in the world. Someone may want to destroy your happiness out of envy, and someone may want to take out their anger on you. How to maintain a relationship for many years? Try not to talk about them. There is no need to tell everyone about your quarrels and omissions. There is no need to wash dirty linen in public. You should not share personal problems with girlfriends, friends, or even your parents. Today you had a fight with your significant other, and tomorrow you will make peace. You will forget all the bad words that a dear person said to you. But close people will remember them and secretly despise your soulmate. It is this mistrust and bad attitude that can cause discord in the family. What is the easiest way to get rid of gossip and gossip? Don’t give people reasons for them - and the number of envious people in your life will immediately decrease.
Family psychology and its benefits
Family psychology helps build harmonious relationships between relatives. The difficulties that arise in the family are quite different, and the palms belong to adultery, divorce, and relations between older and younger generations. Even strong feelings do not guarantee the cloudless coexistence of loved ones. Household hostile circumstances accumulate and layer, which has the risk of provoking an “emotional explosion.”
But as usual, a conversation with a psychologist can dot all the i's. The specialist will listen to mutual claims and complaints and determine the key outline of the problem. You will probably be shocked when you discover the nature of the conflict. Sometimes, after the first conversation with a psychologist, people realize what nuance can provoke a scandal. A specialist will help you find a way out of any situation without destroying good relationships between relatives.
Don't resort to insults
What is the easiest way to create discord in the family? Quarrels and disputes cope with this task quickly and efficiently. You must understand that it will not be possible to live peacefully with a person. You will still have to swear from time to time. Try not to bring up the past in your quarrels. If you are quarreling about the fact that your husband did not nail down the shelf, then scold him only because of the shelf. You don’t need to remember that he didn’t even take out the trash this week, and last weekend he refused to go to the movies with you. Restrain yourself and do not go away from the topic of the initial conflict. There is no need to create a snowball that will then be impossible to stop. After all, in a fit of anger, you can say very offensive words for which you will be ashamed. Your significant other may forgive you for the insult, but the scar from your intemperance will forever remain in the heart of your loved one. Remember that words can hurt very much. Therefore, even in the heat of a quarrel, try to control what you say.
Why doesn't my husband understand me?
The main reason for misunderstanding between people is omissions, hushing up discontent, and concealing emotions. Are you sure that you speak clearly, clearly, openly? If your communication style is “could have guessed”, then you should not expect understanding:
- Firstly, telepathy has not yet been recognized by science - it is unlikely that your husband has this ability.
- Secondly, a man’s thinking works in such a way that it expects direct phrases and specifics. Moreover, first you should say the fact, and then your opinion, arguments and other clarifying data. It is not recommended to overuse abstractions, epithets, and comparisons.
Example: a man helps you around the house as much as possible, but yesterday he was so tired that he forgot to wash the dishes. You come and say: you never help me. Is it never? Or your husband did something, for example, nailed a shelf, but did not wash the dishes, and you expected him to wash them. The result is the same: you never help me, you don’t do anything around the house. Clarify, be more specific about what you are dissatisfied with. But present this not as an order or accusation, but as a request, an expression of your desire, a calm description of your emotions.
Another example: you crave a romantic breakfast in bed on weekends, but the man stubbornly refuses to do it. You already sighed languidly while watching such a scene in the film, and talked about your friend Lenka, and made a sea of other hints, but you never received breakfast. Gradually, dissatisfaction accumulated, and you made a scandal: you are not caring for me. Again, is this true? Is it true that he doesn’t take care of you at all or just couldn’t guess about breakfast? If the latter, then say directly that you are waiting for a specific sign of attention in the form of breakfast in bed.
Learn to listen to each other
Couples who often quarrel try to find the reasons for their discord. Some superstitious women sincerely think that their main problem is the damage caused to the family. And instead of solving problems, they spend time trying to find out how to remove the damage to family discord. If you are really superstitious, go to a fortune teller. Don't try black magic at home. But essentially, all the problems that two people have are related to the fact that they do not know how to listen to each other. People love to talk. But not everyone can listen to what is being answered. Think: are you a good listener? It's very easy to find out. Remember your last conversation with your significant other and rewind it. Remember phrase by phrase. Did you succeed? Most likely you won't succeed. This is an indication that you were thinking about what to say to the person while he was saying his phrase. Learn to delve into the essence of each word. There are no empty dialogues. Listen to everything your significant other tells you. Then you won’t have to go to fortune tellers to improve family relationships.
Crises by years of marriage
Have you heard that there are so-called crisis periods inherent in almost any marriage? This is a kind of pattern that can rarely be avoided.
Crisis periods can be broken down as follows:
- The turning point of the first year of family life. About half of all marriages break up at this moment. Among the reasons are different tastes and views on life, habits, and character complexities. Couples who meet each other halfway, hear each other, and make compromise decisions manage to save their marriage.
- 3–5 years – passions subside, the birth of the first child contributes to the prosperity of the “everyday life”, the candy-bouquet period is long gone, the young plunge headlong into the realities of family life. There are two possible outcomes: either the spouses become reliable support for each other, or they separate.
Always solve problems right away
Do you want your quarrels not to develop into huge scandals? Then don’t put off solving problems until later. If you don't solve the problem as soon as it appears, don't think that it will somehow resolve itself. The situation may indeed level out over time, but the cause of the discord will not be eliminated and will remind itself at the most inopportune moment. Learn to take responsibility for family problems. You should not think that a serious quarrel is the result of damage to family discord and divorce caused by an envious neighbor. Did you have a fight with your husband? Find out what the cause of the quarrel was and try to eliminate it immediately by coming to a mutual agreement. Every scandal must be resolved immediately. If you, as something pisses you off, tell your husband about it and work together to try to eliminate the problem, then your relationship will become stronger.
How to maintain calm and nerves during a crisis
We perceive our partners’ reactions very keenly and can also quickly “boil.” A few rules will help you respond appropriately to difficulties.
- No dust! Turn off your reflexes, turn on your consciousness. Look at the essence of the problem and solve it from the position of an outside observer, not a participant.
- If your partner is obstinate and stubborn, offer him several solutions and let him choose for himself. The last word will remain with him, and you will get the result!
- Show flexibility, don't put pressure on your partner. Men do not like emotional oppression; they will resist it even if your arguments are impeccable.
- If passions are high, withdraw from the argument. Continue when the emotions subside, and a cool mind will help you correctly assess the complexity of the situation.
- Operate with the main thing. The value of family relationships, the experience gained in crises of family life. Show your spouse the results of your joint work on problems, your common achievements.
It is important to understand that the health and longevity of your family depends on your personal position. Correct prioritization and the desire to work on the situation is all that is needed to successfully overcome periods of crisis. Remember that difficulties in family life are a variant of the norm and there are always ways to preserve dear relationships.
Focus on strengths, not weaknesses
Each person is unique, and this must be understood. Each has its own advantages, but also disadvantages. You need to accept your soulmate for who she is. Changing an adult is difficult. Yes, you can correct some habits, but in general you will not be able to eradicate all shortcomings. You will have to accept that a person may be unpunctual, sloppy or irresponsible. Don't focus on these shortcomings. The virtues for which you fell in love with a person should cover the negative character traits. There is no point in turning to third parties for help to change a person. Because of the shortcomings of your significant other, a “crack” appeared and did this affect family relationships? How to remove the disorder and eliminate it forever? Here we can only advise one thing - to be tolerant. There is no point in scolding or condemning a person. You fell in love with a person for his merits, try to accept his shortcomings as well.
Do more than is expected of you
Do you want to maintain a good relationship for many years? Then do more than is expected of you. Did your loved one ask you to go and buy groceries? In addition to essential goods, buy a cake or ice cream. Even such a little thing will be pleasant. If you know that a girl loves flowers, then try to present her with bouquets not only on holidays, but also for no reason. Make your other half happy as often as possible. Thanks to small surprises that are presented unexpectedly, love will be warmed up and will not fade away. You should not be afraid of damage to your family. If you treat your soulmate with reverence and tenderness, then no black magic can separate you.
How to refresh your relationship
In everyday family life, everything seems boring and the same type, so it is necessary to refresh the relationship.
It's better to start with yourself. Remember what femininity and sexuality are. Dress up and take care of yourself.
It is worth adding more romantic surprises, dates and flirting. This is where relationships usually begin, and then the feeling of falling in love arises. This will add new sensations and diversify family life.
Try something new in your intimate life. Loosen up, add sexuality, change the environment. It might be worth trying role-playing games. Even if something goes wrong, you can still have fun without taking it too seriously.
