I hate my husband, what should I do? Advice from psychologists

In this article we will tell you:

Justified reasons for hating your spouse
Hating your husband for no particular reason
Some tips if you hate your husband

Most marriages, as you know, are concluded out of love or at least mutual sympathy. But, unfortunately, not all spouses have the good fortune to carry bright feelings for each other through many years. It also happens that a woman who adored her husband at the beginning of their marriage suddenly realizes that she has begun to hate him.

Hatred in itself is an extremely destructive feeling, but it is especially scary when it is directed at a loved one with whom you have to share shelter and bed. Such a metamorphosis occurring in a woman’s soul traumatizes and makes her suffer first of all. Therefore, if you hate your spouse, do not try to close your eyes to this fact, but do not allow yourself to fall into despair. There is a way out of any situation. But first you need to try to understand why this happened, and only then look for a constructive way to solve the problem.

Justified reasons for hating your spouse

For love or sympathy to turn into hatred, there must be a constant accumulation of negative emotions in the soul, such as dissatisfaction, disappointment, resentment, etc. In general, the reasons that make a woman hate her husband can be different. First, we will list the most common and weighty of them, when a woman’s hostility towards her husband can be fully understood and justified by his behavior and attitude.

Assault

Many wives have to endure beatings from their husbands, and not all of them decide to file for divorce after the first beating. Various circumstances can prevent a woman from leaving a man who has raised his hand against her - it could be fear of loneliness, financial dependence, reluctance to leave children without a father, and many other factors. Very often, after each beating, husbands ask their wives for forgiveness, swear that this was the last time - and they believe and forgive...

As life experience shows: whoever hits once will definitely hit again. And very often such beatings end in serious injury or even death for women. Therefore, if your husband regularly beats you, you need to worry not about the fact that love has left your soul (this is not surprising in such cases, but quite natural!), but about how to save yourself, your life and health.

Insults and humiliation

Psychological violence by a husband against his wife is several times more common than physical violence. When a woman has to regularly listen to unflattering remarks about herself from a man, endure ridicule and biased criticism, then gradually, as grievances accumulate, good feelings towards him leave her heart, being replaced by hatred. There is such a term as “psychological sadism”. And if a man turns out to be a psychological sadist, then he will always find something to humiliate and insult a woman for, since her suffering gives him hidden pleasure. And if you are the wife of such a person and hate him, then your hatred is understandable and justified, and there is only one way out - to separate.

Treason

According to statistics, every second husband cheated on his wife at least once in his life. And if a single, accidental betrayal can still be somehow forgiven, then no woman will be able to tolerate the constant excursions of her husband for a long time. The wives of chronic cheaters, as a rule, first become jealous and suffer, and then their love gradually turns into hatred. It is about such cases that they say: from love to hate there is one step. Especially if the husband not only cheats, but also ignores his wife sexually, thereby humiliating her feminine dignity. If you cannot forgive your husband for cheating, do not blame yourself for this - your feelings are quite understandable. Whether or not to leave a cheater is up to you to decide. But in any case, you need to get rid of the negativity in your soul, so the help of a qualified family psychologist will be very useful for you.

I hate my husband: how to move on?

If the reason for hatred is falling in love with another man, it is worth realizing that now the body is saturated with hormones that are activated near the object of passion. This cannot go on forever; after a while the emotions will subside and “sobering up” will set in.

The inconveniences of a broken marriage will come to light, the need to build a new life with a person who will also develop unpleasant habits and behavior patterns. In addition, it will include parents, children from a previous marriage, and financial obligations. Sometimes the cheater’s hatred is a transformed sense of her own guilt.

You should get to the bottom of the true cause of the destructive feeling. The husband is an adult with an established character, temperament, and demeanor. It is impossible to change it at the request of the wife.

It is necessary to understand that a narcissist, a psychological sadist, a fan of waving his fists will never change, deep mental processes are responsible for such behavior, even professional help does not always lead to a correction of nature, especially since such people are usually happy with everything and see no reason to work on themselves .

Hating your husband for no particular reason

Above we have listed situations where the reasons for hating your husband are very significant.

But it also happens that this feeling arises, seemingly for no particular reason. Imagine: the husband does everything for the family, does not offend his wife in any way, but she, nevertheless, hates him!

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In such situations, women experience severe moral suffering associated with a feeling of guilt before their spouse, and often they themselves do not understand what is happening to them. If you hate your own husband, but cannot determine where the hatred comes from, consider whether it is caused by the following reasons.

Love for another man

Sometimes married women fall in love with other men, start long-term affairs with them - and then their own husband begins to seem to them a burden and an obstacle to happiness. Hatred reaches its peak when the unloved spouse demands fulfillment of marital duty. If you find yourself in a similar situation, the main thing is not to rush to break up your own family. Family psychologists know of many cases when a woman left the family for her lover, and after some time she came to the understanding that in fact she had always loved only her husband, and the other man was just a passing infatuation. We should never forget that marital love dulls over time, but does not disappear. But if you are 100% sure that you no longer have feelings for your husband, it’s probably better to really leave.

I hate my husband: what should I do?

The answer depends on the situation. Hatred is the most powerful energy created by the mind to transform a situation, giving courage and determination. It is important to direct it correctly before a dangerous avalanche sweeps away everything on its road.

We will have to separate the real reasons from the unjustified expectations characteristic of infantile individuals, girls spoiled by their parents in childhood.

Living with a hated spouse, expecting changes to happen by chance, is not reasonable, destructive, illogical. The situation does not suit the wife; she has to figure it out (leave or carry out resuscitation procedures for the marriage, changing her personal perception of what is happening).

I hate my husband after cheating: what should I do?

The reason for the betrayal and behavior after the truth is revealed are of great importance. Every person can stumble. If the husband sincerely regrets adultery, intends to stay in the family, does not maintain contact with a casual passion, and is not looking for new adventures, the woman can try to give him a second chance, taking into account the problems that led to the “leftist”.

There is something to hate...

Alas, there are situations in which a woman hates her husband for very good reasons.
In addition to hatred, there is also fear. And also - confusion and lack of understanding of how to live with this person. In some families, there are domestic tyrants - men who poison the lives of their loved ones. They offend, seriously insult, humiliate and even, what’s terrible, beat. And this sometimes continues for years.

The irony is that such families last longer than those in which the problems are rather far-fetched and easier to solve peacefully. Often a woman herself comes up with problems and makes things up, exaggerates and dramatizes, and because of small conflicts, she destroys the family.

But in such truly serious cases, many women remain in the family. And at the same time they say that they don’t want to leave him - after all, the husband, his dear one, beats him - that means he loves him... And other strange things.

Fear is the main obstacle in these cases. In other situations, a woman acts as an aggressor, shouts “I hate my husband,” destroys and overthrows everything in her path without even looking - and she knows no fear.

We recommend: What to do if a husband beats his wife?

And in a family where the aggressor is a man, the woman’s hatred is different - hidden, deaf, hidden far away and mixed with panic fear. The mixture is poisonous.

The terrible tragedy is that women leave such families less often than those in which everything can be improved. Namely, from such a family, where the husband allows himself to be a tyrant, you need to run away without looking back - and not even hope that everything will come to its senses.

It is best not to be afraid and contact a special support service for victims of domestic violence - these services are available in all cities. Professional psychologists help women who are hostage to an unsuccessful marriage for free.

Remember that hating your husband does not mean solving the problem! If living with him is dangerous, the only way out is to leave!

What forces you to live with a hated person?

A child can stop a woman from making the decision to break up with a hated person

When hatred develops at the beginning of life together, for example, subsequently due to everyday problems, when the young people did not have the opportunity to live together before marriage, and when living together many pitfalls surfaced, then a decision is often made to separate, to get a divorce. But there are also situations when hatred develops after many years of living together and then certain factors stop a woman from getting a divorce.

Common property. For example, a situation where a mortgage was taken out or, on the occasion of a wedding, relatives of the bride or groom were given housing as a gift. Having to divide your property can be daunting.
Common children. This is the main reason that stops a wife from getting a divorce. The phrase may apply here: “I hate my man, but I live with him, I do it for the sake of the children.” The woman is afraid that it will be difficult for the child or children without a father, and she is also worried that when a new dad appears, conflicts, misunderstandings, and psychological problems may arise for the growing baby.
Fear of loneliness. There may be a fear that after a divorce you will not be able to arrange your personal life, so you will have to while away your life alone.

He fell out of love...

It sounds so scary that you want to immediately fearfully knock on wood and cross yourself.
For every woman this is a death sentence - and hatred here is a simple defensive reaction. An abandoned, unloved, unwanted woman feels broken and often does not find the strength to live and breathe, only to hate. Aggression and hatred save, give strength - and help cope with pain, as it seems. But it only seems so...

Alas, in such a situation there is no point in lamenting “I hate my husband, because he stopped loving me!” And the first thing most women begin to do is feel sorry for themselves.

A kind of sweet masochism that can last for several months, completely destroying a woman, literally burning her from the inside. The problem is that being in a state of hatred, your feminine essence is really destroyed - and the consequences will be disastrous.

Frank and calm conversation

Experts advise women to understand their own thoughts and behavior. This will make it possible to understand why conflicts and feelings of hatred arose. Then you need to try to talk to your spouse. The conversation should be open but calm. Accusations and insults will only make the situation worse.

Perhaps, after a conversation, the spouses will find a way to solve the accumulated problems together.

I hate my husband: 5 tips from a psychologist

Psychologists say that the number of women who come for consultation with a similar problem is large. The peak occurs among couples who have lived together for 5-10 years.

Difficult situations require contacting specialists alone, undergoing couples therapy, but before that you can try to resort to independent work:

Learn to forgive. Do not accumulate grievances for years, immediately when acute situations arise, openly, without complaints, “attacks,” but firmly, resolutely indicate your attitude, try to find compromise options.
Don't demand too much compliance with expectations. People are imperfect, they can be tired, angry, irritated, thoughtful. The wife is not responsible for her husband’s mood caused by external circumstances or his reactions to them. You need to allow a person to be himself, without demanding full service for his person emotionally, financially, physically.
Communicate openly. A confidential conversation in a positive tone can replace hours spent in a psychotherapist's office. It is useful to voice your desires and feelings, without getting personal, to listen carefully to your interlocutor, finding out what a man wants.
Show concern. Often women enthusiastically count up the compliments, flowers, gifts they have not received, forgetting about feedback. Sometimes you have to give before you return. A favorite dish prepared for dinner, a clean, cozy home, a light, calm atmosphere without scandals, screams, complaints, a relaxing massage before bed, intimacy initiated by a woman - all this is pleasant for men. A person with a normal psyche always wants to make reciprocal gestures of “politeness.”
Remember the advantages. What attracted the lady to the groom during her carefree youth? Courage, determination, courtesy. You can make a list of the qualities of your spouse that led to the marriage. Analyze how things are today. It is important to be objective and not to deliberately lower the bar.

The wife will have to learn to love her husband again, gradually she will be able to get rid of negative emotions, and place the lost warmth in her heart.

Most likely, she herself is far from the girl with the burning gaze who walked down the aisle. There is no need to perceive a person as property based on the presence of a stamp, a common way of life. Love is a daily choice, and we ourselves decide who and what to choose.

If there is one step from love to hate

Love and hate. Few people know, but these feelings have a lot in common. To think that these are two completely opposite things is to think wrongly, because the other side of love is not hatred, but complete indifference. It will be the absolute opposite of hatred. Think for yourself: with an indifferent, indifferent attitude, we do not waste any emotional energy. But with love (as with hatred), the maximum of our attention is drawn to what or to whom we experience such strong feelings. So it turns out that both feelings are very close and equally emotionally charged, although in one case this charge is positive, and in the other – negative.

What happened?

Hatred is a powerful negative emotion that is almost impossible to cope with.
Of course, if it arose, and even to a person whom you once loved, it is not without reason. And if love is unconditional, and sometimes arises for no apparent reason, then hatred must be earned. So what did he do? If you look at it, there can be only four main reasons:

He didn't live up to expectations.
He cheated, he deceived.
I fell out of love.
Seriously offends and poisons life.

The first case seems to be the most harmless - but it occurs most often. This is the very case when a woman hates her husband because she herself suddenly stopped loving him. Nonsense? And this is true...

Getting rid of the problem in 6 steps

You have already realized that negative feelings towards your own mother, nurtured since childhood and strengthened, interfere with a normal life. Therefore, we must gather our strength and begin to act. You will not be able to completely cancel your hatred of your parent, but it is quite possible to alleviate your condition. The following 6 steps will help you get rid of oppressive feelings:

Stop quarreling and conflicting. An adult can hardly be changed, so your fight against manifestations of maternal character is simply pointless. In addition, conflicts are exhausting and further strain the family situation. After any quarrel, an unpleasant aftertaste remains, which causes anxiety for a long time. Raise the white flag and try not to take any negativity from your mother to heart. Most likely, without waiting for your usual reaction, she will weaken the pressure and stop quarreling.
Talk to your mother. You shouldn’t tell her straight to her face: “I hate you!” Try to explain your negative feelings in other, softer terms. For example: “I’m tired of your endless nagging and coldness. I’m already an adult, but I still don’t feel spiritual closeness with you. I’m bitter and offended by this, because I miss your maternal warmth so much.” It is possible that your words will touch the strings of her soul and force the mother to reconsider her views and change her tactics to a softer one.
Look for compromises. Sometimes this is difficult, especially if the mother is used to being obeyed unquestioningly. But it's worth a try. For example, if your mother constantly monitors you and calls you a hundred times a day, tell her that you yourself will notify her about important events in your life. If she scolds you and raises her voice for any reason, warn her that now your relationship is reaching a new level, where everyone has only constructive dialogue. There is a high probability that the mother will listen to your words and reconsider her behavior that makes you hate.
Live separately. If you have already reached the age and financial situation when you are able to live separately, be sure to jump out of the family nest. Why endure negative emotions if you can reduce contact with your mother? It is quite possible that your relationship with her will improve after this or that your hatred will decrease at least a little. Sometimes long-distance relationships are much more satisfying than daily contact with all the ensuing consequences.
Don't let your mother know about your personal life. Even if you hate your mother, she still cares about you and wants to be aware of all the events that happen in the life of her child. Try not to be frank with her. Then she will have much less reason for questions and advice, and, accordingly, mom will annoy you less with her monologues. As they say, he knows less, sleeps better.
Contact a family therapist. The specialist will tell you at what point your relationship with your mother deteriorated. You will work through the traumatic situation and let it go. You may need several sessions of psychotherapy, but in any case it will be very effective work. As a result, you will either improve your relationship with your mother, or learn to accept negativity from her more easily.

And most importantly, no matter how you feel about your mother, do not lose yourself, do not focus on the problem and continue to live in spite of your hatred. There is always a way out, the main thing is not to give up and fight for your happiness and harmony with your inner world.