- May 12, 2019
- Psychology of Personality
- Epifantseva Anna
In human relationships, it is very important to feel the fine lines. People without a sense of tact easily turn caring for a loved one into obsession in a relationship. The need to meet, see and hear those who are dear to you is natural. But excessive obsession is a destructive force if it is embodied uncontrollably and unconsciously.
About the syndrome
Obsession syndrome is understood as the emergence in a person of certain ideas or actions that are foreign to him and from which he is unable to get rid of. As a result of struggling with such phenomena, a person becomes exhausted and experiences irritation. For example, having met a black cat on the road, a person who needs treatment for obsessions will turn back and lock himself in the apartment, believing that something terrible will now happen, according to popular belief. To get rid of this illness, psychotherapy is used in combination with antidepressants.
Types of obsessions
The basis of obsessive behavior is made up of intrusive thoughts (obsessions) - drives, fears, memories, doubts, which cannot be gotten rid of or ignored.
Below are the types of obsessive disorders:
– fears (fear of failure), people may feel insecure in their abilities: to fall asleep, to speak safely in public, to be intimately successful, to wake up on time, fear of crying in public, blushing.
– doubts represented by uncertainty in fidelity, or in general in the ability to perform various operations (close the tap, turn off the gas, iron, lock the door), people enslaved by such doubts check many times whether they have completed a certain manipulation;
– phobias characterized by the widest range of manifestations: from fear of flying, fear for loved ones, fear of drawing attention to one’s own person, fear of heights, darkness, death to fear of getting sick (syphilophobia, heart attack phobia, cardiophobia, cancer phobia);
– annoying images, thoughts that are constantly present in the head and contradict a person’s vital morality (for example, obscene thoughts and shameless images among respectable citizens, blasphemous thoughts among clergy);
– annoying memories that have an unpleasant connotation and arise contrary to a person’s wishes;
- actions that consist of repeated repetition of movements against the will (adjusting hair, closing eyes, tugging at clothes, licking lips, grimacing, rearranging objects, immeasurable constant putting things in order, repeatedly washing hands);
– persistent urges, manifested by an uncontrollable urge to read something, count, bite nails, pull out a hair or a hangnail.
The main feature of all obsessions is the absence of a rational component underneath. Frequent causes of obsessions are lack of sleep, overwork, some mental disorders, head injuries, asthenia, and infectious diseases. Also, often the occurrence of the described syndrome can be caused by an overly harsh religious upbringing, an instilled craving for purity or perfectionism. Obsessiveness syndrome in children can often occur as a result of unfavorable family conditions, increased mental and physical stress, poor relationships with peers, loss of a loved one or divorce, and can also be genetically determined.
In a relationship
This phenomenon is most common in human relationships. Men often demonstrate their obsession, sometimes without realizing it. In an effort to get attention from the chosen one, they may evaluate her silence in response to their steps somewhat differently, not as things are in reality, not realizing that they are indifferent to the chosen one.
They start bombarding her with messages and calls without waiting for a response. Such actions often, on the contrary, repel the girl from the annoying gentleman.
Let's enjoy the present and worry less in vain
If you want to know how not to be obsessive, change your way of thinking. Start to see your partner as your equal and not as your child or someone you have to take care of. Seeing someone else as a responsible and dedicated adult will help you gain confidence and self-esteem.
Let's just try to be better in this regard, and also show mercy to those who have not yet succeeded. If you practice this technique of detachment from time to time, your relationship will flourish like never before.
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About the signs
Obsession is a phenomenon that is expressed in constant control over the object of attention. An annoying individual may constantly wonder who called his other half and get angry when she spends time apart. These characteristics will manifest themselves in constant jealousy and fear of loneliness. Sometimes such an individual isolates himself from the rest of society, becoming completely fixated on one person. All this one day leads to a breakup, when the other half simply does not want to experience such stress anymore.
For people with a sense of tact, the absence of a response to their step towards a person will be a sign to stop. Having taken a step, you should wait for a response. And only if it does, does it make sense to do the next one.
But for people with obsessiveness problems, it happens differently. They can storm their partner with a flurry of steps towards them, not noticing that he has been responding for a long time, and if he responds, it is very sluggish. An obsessive person may think that the problem is not with him, but this is often a big misconception. No one needs people who are completely conquered, and this applies to both sexes.
Most of all, people value self-sufficient individuals who have their own space and respect their own personality. Such people are passionate about their world and do not try to break down all the doors of someone else in order to fill their life with them. They are so interested in themselves that there is simply no need for it. The paradox is that such people attract those around them, who may never get into this world.
Self-rejection
The lack of an interesting, fulfilling, eventful life, and self-sufficiency is the main reason for “escapes” into relationships. Yes, falling into love is many times easier than solving pressing difficulties, of which there can be very, very many.
A man is used as a creative outlet, a lifeline, a financial cushion, a sperm donor - anything that has nothing to do with the desire of two self-sufficient people to be together.
If after this you manage to become attached to the object of your adoration, and also become disappointed in him and begin to make claims, collapse in the relationship cannot be avoided. The same applies to young girls who really want to escape from their parents' home, but see no other way to do this.
If you use love as a medicine, you can develop an addiction akin to alcohol - you can become attached to the object of passion, see in it salvation from everyone and everything, and then not be able to live without it. Men do not strive to play the role of switches and pills from life’s adversities - the emptiness in a woman’s heart only becomes larger.
The consequences of love addiction are life from call to call, from meeting to meeting, in eternal anticipation and hysteria. It’s impossible to work or live normally, and an obsessive fanaticism develops, which certainly doesn’t make life better.
The person will begin to move away from you, because constant control does not create a desire to be together, to open up. Equal partnerships are a matter of mutual desire and work.
Helpful advice: men like confident women and girls, which is in no way associated with imposition.
Be strong, control your life - otherwise emotions and feelings will start doing it for you with unpredictable consequences. You cannot control love, just like you cannot force another person to show certain feelings towards you.
Accept the fact that a man will not and is not obliged to act according to your scenario, that you generally cannot control much, and take care of yourself.
Examples of obsession
Obsessiveness often manifests itself in typical life situations. So, if a girl and a guy agreed to meet, the man can ask again every hour: “Is everything okay? I'll see you in the evening?". It makes no sense to constantly disturb your partner with questions and messages. It is important to note your partner's reaction before writing or suggesting anything.
This is the difference between an annoying and persistent suitor, the lack of understanding of which men so often complain. A persistent person monitors his partner’s reactions and, based on them, builds his further behavior. The annoying one simply, without noticing anything, begins to cause discomfort to his partner.
And messages and calls can begin from the first minutes of communication: several dozen of them can arrive, remaining unanswered, they can only multiply. Often, obsessive men from the very first seconds begin to make demands and talk about their grievances that the woman minds her own business and does not answer him, the sun-faced one. When faced with such a phenomenon, you need to be aware that this is a negative sign that characterizes a person as a very dependent person.
Very often, an obsessive man tries to evoke pity: “I thought I had met my fate, but you can’t even answer. What should I do!". Sometimes the same individual can refer to illness, fainting and poor condition, thereby trying to provoke pity and attract attention to his person. It's a son game, but do you need a man as a son?
Often this form of communication ends with the woman being persecuted by her partner. Clinging, he will do everything possible to keep the woman close to him, even against her will. There are a great many such cases: installing a surveillance program, tracking down your partner everywhere. This term is called “stalking”. Often these actions have a very depressing effect on the victim, because a man who has literally gone crazy behaves inappropriately and can follow the victim for months, in rare cases attacking her.
In civilized Western countries, “stalking” is considered a criminal offense, and such individuals are sent to prison. In the Russian Federation, it has not yet been recognized as a criminal offense. Therefore, when entering into a relationship with a person who shows signs of obsession, you should think about whether you need this?
If such a phenomenon has already begun, the only way out is to completely ignore it. If obsession already violates security boundaries, you need to involve family and friends, contact the police, and make all the actions of the obsessive person public. Usually such men are afraid of using force.
Why does a man need freedom?
Intrusiveness in a relationship on the part of a woman is a common problem that many people face. It is difficult to stop imposing yourself on a man with whom you have been in a relationship for a long time, since the girl gets used to a certain style of behavior. Men need freedom not to be at a distance, but to dream about their beloved. During moments of separation, a man experiences strong feelings for his wife.
This does not mean that the husband does not love his wife, he just needs a distraction. If you suppress a man’s desires, his needs can break out with triple force, worsening the marriage irrevocably. The most important thing is to find a compromise that suits both parties.
Psychology of relationships between men and women
There is no greater nightmare for a man than an obsessive sticky girl. Obsession is something that can destroy a relationship that has just begun, because the girl is not yet sure how her partner treats her and decides to take the initiative, but only spoils everything with her irrepressible desire to please. But even in relationships that have been going on for a long time, a girl may one day become overwhelmed when she suddenly realizes that she cannot live without her loved one and is terribly afraid of losing him, and becomes obsessive in this fear. Obsession is rooted in our fears that we are not loved and that we are not needed. Obsession is always destructive. So how not to be intrusive?
- None of us like to be forced into anything. His plans for this evening may have long been planned to go to the sauna with friends, renovate the kitchen, or he just wants to lie on the couch, staring at the TV and do nothing. There is no need to put pressure on him and shower him with reproaches, or pretend to be offended if he does not want to come to you today. Mind your own business and be patient.
- Your fears and uncertainty about his feelings make you constantly demand signs of attention and declarations of love from him. Any man will get tired if you ask him a hundred times a day if he loves you and how much he loves you. And every time you will feel like this is not enough for you. After all, love cannot be proven either by words or by material things. So don't be fooled by your fears. Love yourself and believe in his love.
- To please him, you are ready to adapt to him in everything. If he accidentally mentions that he likes blondes more than brunettes, then you make an appointment at the hairdresser that same evening and paint yourself white. You start listening to the music he likes. You watch football with him, yawning from boredom, turning to the side so that he doesn’t notice. You leave your interests somewhere on the side, in a past life. In general, without noticing it, you lose your individuality, and he loses interest in you.
- Your obsession may manifest itself in excessive concern for him. Try to find out first whether your man needs all this. Should he prepare dinner from the first, second and third meals if he previously ate well at work? So that later you won’t be offended that your efforts were in vain and were not appreciated.
- Don't try to take on his problems. The fact that it seems to you that by helping your man you will thus earn his love is just your illusion. Usually people don't really like those to whom they owe money.
- Your frequent calls and messages with questions: “What are you doing?”, “Where are you?”, “What are you doing?” may be regarded by him as your desire to control his life and cause irritation and resistance. No less annoying are attempts to find out the small details of his life, especially questions about ex-girlfriends. Learn to trust him and not be too anxious.
- You shouldn’t pester your man with requests to tell him something or with questions: “Why are you silent?” and “What are you thinking about?” This is perceived by a man as a requirement that he constantly entertain you, and that you do not even in your thoughts allow him to leave personal space for himself. Remember that in close relationships, silence does not cause discomfort. Try to feel your man. What does he need if he is not in the mood - to speak out or be alone and think.
- Try to show outbursts of jealousy exclusively in small homeopathic doses. You don’t need to be the first to run to his phone every time in order to have time to see who he received a message from, read his mail and call new numbers that have appeared in his phone book. Why torture yourself if you don't trust him that much? After all, jealousy is meaningless in both cases - both if you are not loved and if you are loved.
- If you are a big fan of chatting incessantly, take a closer look at how your man reacts to this. Is he interested in hearing about the problems of your relatives from Vladivostok or how you spent three hours choosing new jeans? Heart-to-heart conversations are an important component of a happy family life, but maybe you will find a more grateful listener in your friends when talking about the new diet you read about in a magazine today.
- You, of course, expect care from him and need it like any woman. But let this need not turn into a constant obsessive demand, accompanied by tears, resentment and discontent, if he suddenly could not call you, meet you or see you off, or buy what you asked for.
Remember that love does not exist where there is no freedom. And no one can love with a rope around their neck. And obsession is a rope that you are trying to tie into a beautiful knot around your beloved neck.
Why doesn't the man call first?
John Gray's book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" made a splash in relationship psychology. Explain in simple and understandable language why we so often do not understand each other and why we have conflicts. If you want to become a real relationship guru, then you cannot do without this book.
Now let's try to understand what prevents the feather guy from calling and reminding him of himself. The first and quite common reason is that he simply is not interested in you. Yes, it’s hard, offensive and painful to realize this. But it happens that you simply didn’t like the girl. And since he doesn’t know how to say it casually, he just . In this case, reminders about yourself will be extremely inappropriate.
Another option is that he liked you too much and now he’s selling himself out. Like, let her run after me and be afraid of losing me. Whether it’s worth connecting your life with such a gentleman is up to you to decide. But a man who cannot sincerely and directly say about his sympathy is no longer trustworthy.
He has a girlfriend, and your meeting was just a passing hobby. In this case, there is nothing to even think about and there is no need to remind yourself in any way. Even if you are thinking of writing him an angry SMS, expressing all your resentment, believe me, it is not worth it.
Results
- Women, alas, very often impose themselves on men and, of course, do it in vain. The main reasons for destructive behavior are the fear of being left alone, the desire to attach, the infantile desire to shift one’s problems onto someone else.
- Obsessive love burdens another person - he feels control over his life, constrained by circumstances, which cannot please him. Normal healthy relationships are built only on free choice.
- Give up the habit of imposing, do not push for pity - in the long run, this model of behavior will still not give you anything. Even if a man is with you, there will be no happiness, you yourself may be disappointed, scandals will begin.
- Love is a bright feeling, not a cure for problems, an escape from oneself. If your soul is empty, a man will not fill it.
Hello, dear readers! The eternal question of the struggle between a man and a woman is who should take the initiative and call first. Today I want to talk about whether it is necessary to remind a man about himself, how to do it competently and not become another obsessive fan. In addition, we will talk to you about why guys don’t dial the number themselves and take the initiative.
