You spend rare evenings together, he says that he loves you to the moon and back, gives original gifts, and delivers flowers by courier on Sundays... He writes romantic SMS during the lunch break and asks you not to deny yourself anything while shopping.
But this idyll has one drawback - he is married. Previously, a love triangle was considered a sin and condemned by society, but now it is customary to turn a blind eye to it.
But where will a relationship lead where a woman is only a secret lover? Does an affair with a married man have a future, or is it better not to torture either yourself or your partner? And what if you truly love?
This is what our material is about.
Why does a man need a mistress?
What pushes a man to have an affair on the side? Is he poorly cared for at home? Or did he fall head over heels in love as a teenager, and now longs for secret meetings with another woman, dreams of starting a family with her and building a house?
We have compiled a list of the main reasons why a man decides to take such a step: having an affair on the side.
He lacks novelty in sex or sex in general
Sex once a month in the missionary position with the lights off?.. This is not what the man dreamed of when he got married. If partners don’t surprise each other in bed, don’t make eye contact with their significant other in a restaurant, and don’t share erotic fantasies, the brightness of sex fades.
At first the man tries to fix something, but if his efforts are in vain, he switches to another girl. This does not mean that he loves her to the grave and will leave his wife. But the reddened cheeks of a satisfied woman on his shoulder and pleasant fatigue after sex are so alluring.
He seeks lively emotional experiences
Your relationship with your wife may be in crisis. When partners irritate each other, don’t find common topics for conversation at dinner, are stuck in everyday problems... Some men cannot endure, survive and find a way out - and simply give up.
They begin a relationship with a woman with whom it is simple and easy: he gave flowers, took him to a restaurant, had sex in an expensive hotel... No children, cooking breakfast or repairing a leaking tap. Everything is simple and painless. Only shallow.
He wants to prove that he can still do it, he doesn’t want to say goodbye to his youth
And my health is already failing, and I have problems with potency, and the number in my passport is not encouraging... Why not prove to myself that I’m still wow, I can satisfy even a quick young lady? In an attempt to catch youth by the tail, men take on mistresses, with whom the feeling of approaching old age disappears.
This way he shows his status
When status is no longer measured by the cost of a business suit, the make of a car, or the thickness of a leather wallet, other methods of comparison come into play. For example, lovers. Their model appearance, youth, passion, quantity.
He doesn't have very high moral principles
Disrespect for wife, children and disregard for family values. Such motives also push men to cheat.
His wife doesn't understand what a man really needs
If things are bad at home, the man will first withdraw mentally and then physically. Constant dissatisfaction with the husband, his income and appearance, stupid jokes and the lack thereof, insufficient participation in raising children and walking the dog... In such a house it is easy to feel unnecessary, clumsy and insolvent.
The wife does not appreciate the man, does not praise him, does not look with enthusiastic eyes and does not thank him.
Options for developing relationships
Relationships that begin with light flirting between married people can develop in three directions:
- A short whirlwind romance. Such relationships are preferred by spouses experiencing conflict in their official marriage. They do not want to get a divorce, they just want to relieve emotional stress and refresh their relationship.
- A long affair with rare meetings. An option suitable for middle-aged spouses who want a new relationship, but for some reason do not want to get a divorce.
- An affair turning into a full-fledged relationship. Such relationships can develop in people who have completely lost interest in their other spouses. Lovers easily decide to divorce and hardly hide the relationship from the very beginning. As a rule, these are young people under 35 years of age, disappointed by an early first marriage. Leaving for other people does not always end successfully, so it is worth considering whether it is necessary to destroy families.
The development of relationships is influenced by many external factors: the social status of the spouses, financial viability, family opinion.
Relationships with a married man: imaginary advantages and misconceptions
Pros of being a lover:
- the man is already well-fed and well-groomed, there is no need to worry about his new suit, delicious dinner and problems at work. Everything is ready for consumption;
- washing, ironing and raising children together is so far away that it seems like a parallel universe;
- an ideal option for an open relationship - a man does not need to worry about having to destroy his family, and a woman does not need to worry about a potential serious relationship;
- a wealthy man can help his mistress financially without any problems;
Misconceptions:
- being a lover, a woman believes that she is unique and important for a man, that with her he is truly happy;
- hopes that the man will leave his family for her, and they will begin a serious relationship;
Competition and self-esteem
Another motive is to fuel self-esteem. After all, “even a married man could not resist.” Such women do not feel victory if it comes easy. Everything must be won with a fight, there is a lot of pleasure in this war. If you manage to defeat your opponent, you will be able to love yourself, accept yourself and consider yourself worthy of the best. But a free man is not interesting. It doesn't say enough about how incredible and special you are.
But this path ultimately leads to emptiness and pain. Firstly, you lose friendships in the female world, which is warm and accepting, not masculine. Secondly, your self-esteem rests on too fragile a foundation. And love for war does not give happiness. War is always destruction, pain and loss. You can learn to love yourself in a safer way.
Illusion of deception
Being a lover is not only about receiving gifts and passionate sex. This is to play a second role. Constantly wage an internal struggle: on the one hand, understand that the relationship is doomed to be superficial, and on the other hand, continue to go on secret dates again and again.
Hiding, not being able to call in the middle of the night and say: “Come, I miss you so much!”, not wearing perfume, not giving gifts, being prepared for the man to cancel the meeting at the last moment.
And the initial lightness and increased attention that so flattered you are replaced by a heaviness on your heart, the realization that he belongs to someone else.
Relationship with a married man: is there a future?
No one wants to become a hostage to a situation, especially in a romantic relationship. Loving a married man who lies to his wife and raises his children, and devotes only crumbs of time and attention to you, is difficult.
The main thing is to stop reproaching yourself. It's not your fault that this happened. To figure out why a married man came into your life, ask yourself four questions.
What motivates me in this relationship?
Maybe you're only attracted to this man because of the amazing sex on Thursday nights? Or his eternal unavailability? Or that you are his secret?
If you want a future together, three children and two cats, a family photo album and a holiday in Greece, this changes the situation. In this case, you won’t be able to tolerate the role of a mistress for long.
What do I get from my partner, and what do I give?
Expensive gifts, a loving look and a willingness to do anything so that the wife doesn’t find out? What is the foundation of your relationship? Is it tied to the emotional sphere or to the material one too? What do you sacrifice, and what does the man sacrifice for the sake of your meetings, relationships, secret connections?
Why did I agree to this type of relationship?
Maybe it made you feel better that the man was married? After all, in this case, you don’t have to bear responsibility for a serious relationship, plan to buy a bookcase, renovate the kitchen, and solve everyday problems together.
Or were you scared off by the presence of your spouse, but like a butterfly you flew to the fire, despite your fear?
What will happen if you continue to play the role of a mistress?
The passion will subside sooner or later. How then will you react to a man's double life? Will you calmly accept your role or will you constantly want more? Will you calm down or will you be jealous of your wife and children? In your free time, will you have fun with your friends and mind your own business, or will you nervously wait for his call?
If you are inclined to the second option, the role of a mistress is uncomfortable for you, and you need to do something about it.
Ending such a relationship is sometimes the easiest way out of the situation. How to do this and is there a chance to come to the forefront in the life of a married man?
Habit of spying on others
Almost everyone in childhood was told by their parents the phrases: “look how well the girl behaves, what are you doing?”, “look how neat the girl’s notebook is, and how crumpled yours is!” And that’s how you get used to watching how everything is great with that other girl, unlike you. And even if objectively this is not the case, you will see it the way you were taught.
Why are women attracted to married men?
What another woman took will always seem better than her own. This is the same forbidden fruit. Especially if you only see a picture, a candy wrapper. No one will let you in on all the details of life behind the scenes. And then you meet him, handsome and pleasant. In the photo they are with the whole family, smiling. And you see that the woman who is next to him is happy. It starts to seem to you that this is the problem!
That woman was just lucky, she pulled out this lucky ticket - such a gorgeous man. That's why she feels so good. And you also want to glow like that, next to your beloved man. I also want this beautiful family picture. The option of finding someone like you is immediately dismissed because “there are no such people anymore!” Others are unknown and need to be checked. And here happy faces are a guarantee that it’s good with this man.
Not all mistresses in this case intend to take their husband away from the family. Some people just want to bask in this well-organized family hearth. Especially if you missed it so much in your childhood. And for many years you dreamed that you would grow up and be happy, that you would smile and glow, and that your children would feel good. And all this will happen with the arrival of Him - a wonderful man. And then you won’t be tired and sad like your mother. You will be different.
But you don’t know how to build this happy family. There was no example, so to speak, instructions before my eyes, only dreams. And also fairy tales with their own morals - you have to wait for the prince, be good, maybe you’ll be lucky not to become sea foam. And now he meets you, already with a ready-made beautiful family life. And you, like a little girl, are sincerely drawn to this light.
Why and how to stop communicating with a married man?
The heart whispers words of love, rare meetings are so romantic and sweet, and yet - he is married. And despite the promises, he is unlikely to leave the family, dissolve his ten-year marriage and abandon his children. You need to come to terms with this and move on.
If a woman is satisfied with the role of a mistress, she does not wait for the man to leave his wife and come to her one evening with a ring and tickets to Crete, then everything is in order.
But if you feel discomfort from the fact that you are not playing the main role, the best way to calm down and improve your life is to stop such communication. Relationships cannot last only on the woman’s desire to change something. The man's inaction will be a key factor.
How to break with the past?
If you decide to stop dating a married man, the first piece of advice is to look around. Why are you fixated on this particular person? There are so many guys around who secretly look at you in the office or on the street! People with interesting hobbies, caring and open to relationships that are not bound by marriage, children and mortgages.
Talk to the man
If you have the courage, when you meet, tell the man about your decision to end your communication. Explain that you are not satisfied with the second role, scheduled meetings, uncertainty and fear that everyone will find out about your relationship.
Don’t be fooled by his persuasion to “spend one more evening together,” promises to abandon his family, or expensive gifts. Respect your decision!
If you feel that you don’t have the strength to tell the truth straight to your face, write a letter or simply disappear from life with the words: “I’m sorry” - you are a free woman and do not owe a married man anything.
Don't rush into a new love affair
Trying to “repair the damage” from a painful relationship with a married man is unlikely to result in a harmonious relationship. Give yourself time to cool down. Take a couple of days off to lick your wounds, wrapped in a blanket, surrounded by chocolate and romantic films.
Allow yourself to be sad, a little nostalgic and cry. A new stage is impossible unless you complete the old one.
Clear your memories
Photos, correspondence, gifts, phone number... Keep it out of sight. At least for a while, until you can look at them without bitter tears and regrets.
Love yourself
Tell yourself: by refusing such relationships, I recognize myself as an individual. The one who is worthy of love and respect, worthy of taking first place, worthy of the attention and care of a man not according to schedule, but at will! The one who deserves flowers and gifts not as an apology!
Now you don't have to hypnotize your phone while waiting for a call. Accept invitations to parties, sign up for a dating app, go on dates.
Anger is normal
Feeling angry will also help you recover faster from a toxic relationship. Think about it, why do you need a man who plays on two fronts to say the same words of love to two women? Will such a partner be able to support you in a difficult situation? Will he come urgently to the hospital? Will you be there day and night if you need it?
Is it possible to have children with a married man? Go on vacation? Forget about everyone in the world?
Such questions are not the most pleasant, but they open your eyes to the truth, cause tears, resentment, and anger. These emotions can be used to break up with a man and start a new life.
Any separation is painful
Psychologists say that it is always difficult to part with a loved one, even if the relationship was painful and unpleasant. Time will heal wounds, but disrespect towards a woman can remain forever.
The first time will not be easy, but if you find the strength to take this bold step, then a breath of fresh air and a new life awaits you.
I fell in love with someone else's husband, what should I do?
If a woman is not ready to part with her ringed gentleman, she will have to learn several rules of secret relationships.
- The main thing is to come to terms with the fact that she will be in last place after his family, friends, work and hobbies.
- She shouldn't call or text him after hours. He will get in touch himself when it is convenient for him.
- She will have to internalize with her whole being that he does have sex with his wife. That she most likely is not sick, not ugly, not mercantile to the point of disgust, and does not have a crocodile character. It’s impossible to even imagine this type of woman, let alone share shelter with her and raise common children.
- It is important to remember that with such a connection, lovers do not go on vacation together, so as not to meet his friends. And she will have to celebrate the holidays - not only the New Year, but also her birthday - alone or with friends.
- It is necessary to be aware that a man can have many mistresses, and not to be deluded by his position as a desired woman, since a lover can easily find a new passion.
- She should always look great, hide her robe and tracksuit away. Don’t get hung up on your lover and don’t be afraid of losing him. One of the best time-tested medicines is self-development. The successes achieved in this field inspire and distract from worries.
And in general, sometimes it’s useful to look at yourself from the outside. One way or another, any experience develops and enriches – even this one. Perhaps, in a relationship between a married man and a single woman, the psychology and solution to the problems of this relationship will be found after some time and will be non-trivial.
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Summary
A man takes a mistress because:
- he misses sex and vivid erotic experiences with his wife;
- the relationship and marriage have cooled down emotionally;
- he tries to catch youth by the tail;
- he proves his status to his friends;
- he does not have very high moral values;
- his wife does not understand what her husband really needs.
Ask yourself questions:
- What prompted me to enter into a relationship as a mistress?
- What do I give and what do I gain by being in a relationship with a married man?
- Will I be comfortable continuing a relationship where I am the lover in the background? Or do I want more: family, home, children?
To end a relationship with a married man:
- If you have the courage, say directly that you are tired of this life and want more. Or end the relationship with a short word: “Sorry!”;
- give yourself a few days of loneliness and sadness to move to a new stage;
- love yourself: you deserve more than scheduled meetings and flowers as an apology;
- remove things that remind you of him from your home and phone;
- get angry! And use this energy to start a new phase;
- do not rush into a new romantic adventure;
- remember, any separation is painful. Don’t demand happiness and joy from yourself the very next day. Would you agree to a relationship with a married man?
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Differences in views3
There is a huge discrepancy between what these women think and what married men think. Most women who like married men are simply looking for a partner in someone else's yard. It may be immoral or ethically wrong; it just depends on who you ask. But this article is not about judgment. It is simply understanding our natural tendencies and where they come from.
If a woman in this position looks deep enough into infidelity blogs and self-help guides and finds these facts, she might just save herself before he ends the relationship. And according to infidelity research, this could happen in about a year or three. Maybe he just can't look into her loving eyes anymore. Maybe his wife is starting to suspect something. Maybe he's just bored and ready for a new partnership. “I am a wife. You knew what you were getting into,” is not an uncommon reason to stop calling, stop emailing, stop texting.
Whether she discovers these facts or not, she will be heartbroken. However, some evidence points to the possibility that a broken heart following the end of a person's marriage may be much more difficult to heal than a broken heart following a more traditional relationship.
As with most things in life, knowledge is power. If a woman likes married men, she may want to re-read the above facts very carefully before proceeding. Life is short. Your time may be better spent on a man who has been looking for something more than an immoral sexual relationship with multiple partners for several years. This one guy might be safer.
You can find detailed information about what kind of men women like at this link.
