Conflict-free communication is based on mutual understanding, mutual assistance, empathy, friendship and tolerance. Its main essence is to get rid of stereotypes and achieve results regardless of relationships and situations. Even rescuers are trained in the basics of such communication in order to quickly and effectively exchange information during an emergency.
Often, incorrect understanding and interpretation of the interlocutor’s words lead to rather sad consequences - people can quarrel and even become enemies.
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The essence of conflict-free communication is the ability to adapt to the person with whom the person is currently communicating.
In this way, it is possible to overcome stereotypes and labeling, which can interfere with normal conversation and problem solving.
What is conflict-free communication?
Since all people are different, various conflicts may arise in the process of interaction and communication. This is due to differences in worldview, upbringing and methods of solving problems. Moreover, conflict does not always mean an immediate quarrel or scandal, it is simply a clash of opposing opinions. Opinions may change if one side presents strong enough arguments or shows its superiority in other ways. Conflict-free communication is used when contacting employees of special services.
A “label” can be understood as a stereotypical idea of a person. Moreover, this does not always carry a negative meaning. For example, if an employee proves himself to be an excellent specialist in his field or simply has the necessary knowledge, then people’s opinion of him will be quite stable among the entire team. And when people get lost in the city, they most often approach the police. Because they have the necessary information and know the city, thanks to which they can help you get to a familiar area or simply suggest the way. This is the “shortcut”.
A choice that is based on a stereotype can sometimes seriously reduce the time to solve a problem. But sometimes this can be a mistake. For example, a policeman is not always able to show the most convenient and shortest route. He can live and work in another area, while a passerby nearby has the opportunity to show the right road, since he lives nearby.
If you communicate with people, excluding any labels, stereotypes, accepting their individuality and different roles, you can achieve significant success.
Know how to find a compromise
Every person must learn to give in. It is impossible to defend your point of view all the time. To exist normally in society, sometimes you have to make compromises. Learn to compromise your own opinions, and then you can achieve great success. Don't try to embrace the immensity. You won’t be able to impose your opinion on everyone around you. Therefore, learn to find a middle ground so that it partially satisfies your desires and partially satisfies the desires of your opponent.
Rules for conflict-free communication
We should start with the simple basics on which this type of communication is built. They are as follows:
- Decency. It means a polite attitude towards any person, regardless of his wealth, personal qualities, appearance, knowledge, nationality and social status.
- Attention to the individuality of the interlocutor. It means building a dialogue on the principle of mutual respect and cooperation.
- Tolerance. It is impossible to violate the norms of communication and the humanistic orientation of the conversation.
- Nobility and tolerance. Communication takes place “as equals”. Any factors that could allow one interlocutor to show superiority over the opponent are excluded. Arrogance is also not allowed, and any potential conflicts are avoided.
- Mercy. The participants in the conversation are who they are and this must be accepted. If a person comes to talk about his problems, he needs to be listened to and shown compassion. It must be sincere.
- Denial of violence. The conversation should proceed without insulting or humiliating the interlocutor or anyone around.
These are the main principles of conflict-free communication that must be observed.
Rules
Conflictogens
There is such a thing as a conflictogen - this is something that provokes a quarrel or a conflict situation. Not every person is able to notice that they are using them during a conversation. Why is he then surprised or upset that he has to deal with aggression from others.
Therefore, I propose to consider the types of conflictogens that exist. So that you don’t have to think about why other people have the same reactions to your words and actions. And awareness of the consequences of your actions will help you anticipate a lot of situations that destroy any type of relationship. So, guaranteed to cause anger and rejection:
Reproaches
They are one of the forms of emotional abuse. Although in society it is the norm of communication, especially in the educational process. The one who is reproached experiences a feeling of guilt for the discrepancy between his behavior and the expectations of others. And also anger, in the form of a completely natural defensive reaction.
Generalizations
People are different, even if they do similar things. And it is important for every person to feel unique and special. Which is what he actually is. But generalizations minimize the fact that he is seen as a separate person. Let’s say the wording: “All men are the same” is very often used by women who are disappointed in their chosen partners.
Negative experiences of building close relationships distort the perception of males in general. With this statement, not only do they create a barrier during the conversation, but they also deprive themselves of the opportunity to notice truly worthy men in the environment.
Adviсe
Persistence in giving one’s opinion regarding some issue leads to the fact that people will try to avoid the company of such a person. Everyone has the right not only to life, but also to live as he wants, even making mistakes. Therefore, if any attempt to communicate with you ends in the distribution of valuable advice, do not be surprised if at one point you are asked to leave. And for as long as possible.
Boundary hardness
If a person does not ask, but demands to talk to him the way he wants and establishes a ban on some topics, a lot of tension arises from lack of freedom, the inability to clarify important issues. Such behavior creates favorable conditions for conflict to arise. Because sooner or later the interlocutor will return to the forbidden conversation. After all, his need remained unfulfilled. Such an unfinished gestalt. And, as you know, the psyche strives to complete the unfinished at any cost.
Curses
Swear words or those that hurt, hit self-esteem, threats may help to let off steam, but establishing contact is not particularly helpful. As a joke - yes, if people are on the same wavelength, but in a tense moment they will probably only make the situation worse.
As you understand, you should not only exclude conflict triggers from your daily communication, but also resist when they are used in relation to you. You already understand what they lead to, but your interlocutor may not have this information or may not want to transform his life for the better or engage in self-development.
Empathy
Empathy is the ability to feel for another person. And no principles for constructing a constructive dialogue will help if you do not know how to sympathize and distinguish what emotions the interlocutor is experiencing. Among other things, it is important to use favorable messages that create favorable conditions for a pleasant conversation. These include:
- Compliments. The main thing is that it is a truly truthful and sincere compliment, and not flattery, which will work in the opposite way. Even if it does not relate to the topic of conversation, a note about something pleasant, beautiful that made an impression on you will always be appropriate.
- Smile. She is attractive, especially if she is good-natured and sincere.
- Praise. Remember yourself, when you are praised, does your mood lift? At such moments, even the willingness to engage in verbal combat disappears.
- Interest. Show interest in the personality of your interlocutor; this is the basis for building trusting and close relationships.
These benevolent messages stimulate the production of endorphins or, as they are also called, hormones of happiness. But a happy person does not want to fight and conflict.
Confictogens, on the contrary, increase the level of adrenaline and norepinephrine - stress hormones that provoke active actions and struggle.
How to communicate without conflict
In fact, giving preference to conflict-free communication is quite easy, you just need to follow the following recommendations:
- Watch your words and gestures - it is important to choose each gesture and word correctly so as not to potentially offend your interlocutor, especially if he is of a different nationality. Some people perceive this style of communication as too much politeness, but it is the only way to safely establish contact with a stranger.
- Totally control thoughts - since they are the ones that are put into words, some people can get carried away by the conversation and begin to communicate with a stranger as if they were an old acquaintance, which can cause severe resentment.
- Do not judge people prejudicially - every person has good traits, this must be kept in mind, otherwise conflicts will be difficult to avoid.
- Communicate without irritation - one of the main sources of any problems.
- Be able to admit mistakes - you must be able to admit guilt, as well as draw conclusions from the situation in order to prevent it from happening in the future.
Everyone can hear, but not everyone is able to listen and understand what their opponent says.
To do this, you need to abstract from your own thoughts and allow the person to express his opinion. This makes it easier to understand the dialogue and the meaning of spoken words.
Watch your gestures
Conflict-free communication involves both verbal and non-verbal communication. The person must be able to control his gestures. During a conversation, do not try to close yourself off from your interlocutor. Don't cross your arms or cross your legs. Try to relax and take the most natural position. Don't know where to put your hands during a conversation? Let them gesture. Gesticulation helps a person feel more relaxed and confident. But don't swing your arms too much. Your broad gestures will not be appreciated if you keep touching your interlocutor with your hands.
You need to look after not only your body, but also your face. Try to relax your muscles and smile while talking. Learn to smile even at people you don't like. It is easy to be rude to a person who is skeptical, but to offend a friendly person is much more difficult.
Conflict between parent and teacher
Psychologist's advice: If parents have complaints against the teacher, it is important to initially check whether they are justified. Is the teacher really exceeding his authority by taking it out on the children, or have the children decided to start a cold war on the teacher? It is important to discuss the issue with other parents and other teachers
If the situation is indeed confirmed, do not be afraid to defend the right to participate in the teachers’ council and talk directly with the teacher. You will always have time to write a complaint, but you won’t have time to change the situation. Sometimes parents believe that yelling at children or harsh punishments is an indicator of an effective and strict teacher. Weigh all observations, analyze possible changes. If the school is not ready to take action, unfortunately, you will have to solve the situation yourself: change class or school. Remember that motivation and interest in life directly depend on authorities.
Completion
If it turns out that a conflict has occurred, read this article. It shows the most effective ways to resolve it.
Appreciate every minute of your life, don’t waste your life creating quarrels that don’t lead to the realization of your desires. If you have a need to destroy another person, think about your aggressiveness. And also try to find other methods that will help defuse accumulated negativity. Take care of yourself and your loved ones!
And finally, we recommend reading the article about ways to develop your active and passive vocabulary.
The material was prepared by psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Alina Zhuravina
Final Thoughts
In an ideal world, we would resolve all conflict situations in a rational and reasonable manner. However, in reality, we are not always able to behave like intelligent beings.
By doing your best to keep yourself in check, you are more likely to achieve the exact outcome that makes all parties happy.
If you nevertheless give vent to your feelings, simply apologize to your opponent. Then be sure to forgive yourself. We are all human and we cannot behave correctly all the time.
If you are dealing with someone who has become out of control and has become verbally and physically aggressive toward you, end the conversation immediately. Find someone who can support you if you need it.
- 10 phrases that can resolve any conflict
- How to have a difficult conversation: 12 rules for a serious conversation
- 3 phrases that quickly neutralize any claim
- 9 ways to respond to ill-mannered and rude people
Causes and types of conflict situations
There are several classifications of conflicts based on which structural element dominates in a given situation. Thus, a contradiction may arise due to disputes regarding an object - a thing, the values or feelings of the participants.
Most often, people become involved in such a conflict unconsciously, regardless of their desire.
In other cases, the cause may be provocation or conscious pressure from one of the parties. Most often, such people try to assert themselves at the expense of others.
Causing tension and negative emotions in the opponent. They feel satisfaction as if they were controlling a person and influencing his behavior. In addition, in relation to the subject, internal and external conflicts are distinguished.
Their features are:
internal characterize the state of the person himself, they arise when contradictions arise between his desires and capabilities;
external ones are the opposition of a person and the surrounding reality in the form of other people. Depending on the characteristics of the participants, they can be interpersonal (two individuals come into conflict), intergroup (between groups) and between an individual and a group.
Family, work, personal, teenage and generational conflicts are also shared. They have their own characteristics of emergence, development and resolution.
Be persistent
If we feel confident during a conflict, then it will be much easier for us to find a way to resolve it. Avoid being overly passive and don't let your opponent drag you down. But at the same time, you should not behave too aggressively and hostilely.
Passive-aggressive behavior, such as refusing to answer calls or slamming doors, will also be unhelpful. Take a clear stance on this issue.
Don't drag out past conflicts. Be honest about your feelings and don't be afraid to ask what exactly the other side of the conflict wants. Remain open to compromise.
It's actually not that easy to control yourself during a conflict.
Being opposite someone who is aggressive, angry, or simply showing their bad mood.
When faced with a threat, people naturally respond with a fight-or-flight response. In such a situation, the level of hormones increases, increasing its activity. This is not the most necessary reaction in modern life, but it is something we must learn to cope with.
You can learn the skill of staying calm and dealing with disagreements and conflicts in a healthy way. This will make the current circumstances less stressful and will help avoid deterioration of the situation and complete destruction of the relationship.
Advice from psychologists will allow you to remain calm no matter what conflicts you face.
Summary
Conflict among children at school is a common occurrence. If a conflict of interests turns into systematic bullying, it becomes bullying. Parents and teachers have a responsibility to intervene and involve a psychologist.
But even if the disagreement does not involve physical or psychological violence, it is still unpleasant. Conflicts occur between all participants in the educational process - children, teachers and parents.
Recommendations from the psychologist at the Foxford online home school, Elena Petrusenko:
- collect all the information about the situation;
- have an open dialogue;
- trust the child’s words;
- seek advice from those not involved in the conflict;
- Bring a third party into the discussion and seek out allies, observers, or moderators.
If all else fails, try family training. Externat Foxford will help you arrange the transition and advise you on any questions.
