“I'm boring (I'm boring). It's not interesting to talk to me. People don't listen to me. When I get into any society, I feel uncomfortable and out of place. I never know what to talk about. Because of this, I try to leave the house less and appear in society less often. Little by little the friends all dissolved... What to do, what to do? I’m not an interesting conversationalist, and they even say I’m a bore.”
If this sounds like you, read the entire article. We'll figure out why you're boring. What are the deep psychological mechanisms of boredom and ennui? What to do to make people interested in talking to you.
Basic specialist help
Before radically changing your lifestyle, psychologists advise performing an internal introspection, sorting out your desires and preferences, and understanding for yourself what kind of person you are. Subconsciously ask the question: “Why am I boring? Why can’t I be happy with myself in everyday life?” Another misconception is that girls believe that the root of evil lies in their lack of interest, which can manifest itself in awkward, incorrect opinions in communication with others. Self-criticism is useful, but in limited quantities; you shouldn’t flirt with it; tormenting the body with negative thoughts is fraught with long-term illnesses, both psychological and physical. Take yourself apart, not literally, of course, open up your possibilities. Remember that your “boringness” lies precisely in your hidden character; you are afraid to express yourself, to speak out, in order to avoid human condemnation. It is important to understand that you will not be crippled for your opinion and that your opinion has a well-deserved place in this world.
Are you a boring conversationalist? Five tips to understand and change it
How to communicateRelationshipsSocial phobia
In the previous article about conversation topics that are always suitable, I promised to talk about how to understand whether you are a boring interlocutor.
Research shows that some people are very good at hiding whether they're bored with you or not. There is a connection between how well a person adjusts socially and how well they can hide their negative feelings and yawns from you.
It is very rare that people can be so frank as to directly tell you that it is impossible to communicate with you, and they have various reasons for this: from not wanting to offend you to personal rules of behavior.
There seem to be two clear signs that you are too boring :
- the interlocutor turned away and went about his business;
- the interlocutor constantly interrupts you.
Don’t rush to conclusions about your “boring” - you could be very wrong.
However, these same facts may indicate something completely different: for example, that the interlocutor has a certain style of communication or that he has the ability to simultaneously listen carefully to you and stir soup on the stove. This doesn't mean you're boring or anything like that.
Additionally, judging yourself as “boring” or “not fun enough” based solely on other people’s reactions is generally a risky proposition. Judge for yourself: you were talking, the interlocutor turned away, and therefore you decided that you were boring. Result: the mood is spoiled, self-esteem has fallen.
How do you know why he turned away? There are 1000 reasons for a person to turn away, and all of them have absolutely nothing to do with Your Royal Majesty.
Therefore, let's agree this way: we will not make global conclusions about ourselves based on the behavior of other people.
If you tend to give yourself such assessments (labels), for example, “I’m stupid”, “I’m bad”, “I may seem boring, stupid, funny, abnormal to others” - then consulting with a psychologist will help you get rid of this.
Every person has the right to be interested in some topics and not be interested in others. It's his right. Even if you don't agree with it. Therefore, at any moment it may turn out that the topic you have chosen is really boring to your interlocutor. As you can see, this is no longer a global conclusion about yourself (“I’m boring”). “It seems to me that this topic is boring for him” is a more correct explanation of what is happening, which does not cause a drop in self-esteem.
Be that as it may, as a rule, the only source of information is the behavior of other people, so let's look at what the signs may be that the topic you have chosen is boring for this interlocutor.
You are not a famous actor or an influential politician to interest everyone without exception. Some people won't be interested in you, and that's okay.
- Constant formally polite, superficial repetitions. If the other person repeats something like, “Oh, really? Well, yes... What are you saying... Wow..." and at the same time you do not observe any wild admiration and interest - most likely, your interlocutor is not very involved in the conversation with you.
What you can do: do not continue to develop this topic with the tenacity of a university professor. Say: “I don’t think this topic is very interesting to you right now. Tell me how you went on vacation?”
- Interlocutor's posture. The person interested in the conversation will be completely turned towards you with his face and upper half of his body. If he is sitting, he may even lean forward a little. If you see that the interlocutor has half turned away from you, or is relaxed in a chair and is about to fall asleep, it is very likely that his priorities have changed at the moment.
What can be done in this situation? Take advantage of your body language: raise the “communication temperature” with more energetic gestures. If you find yourself in a similar situation while speaking publicly, try not standing in one place, but moving from place to place. Give a personal example: such details always increase interest.
- Uneven time balance: You speak more than 80% of the time. If you think you're such a great speaker that everyone is willing to listen to you in silence - and that's why you do 80% of the talking - keep in mind that this is probably not the case. Most likely they are listening to you out of politeness. In general, if a person is interested in the topic of conversation, he will take part in the conversation: ask questions, share his opinion, and show other activity. If this does not happen, then it is very likely that the person is not enjoying the topic of conversation at the moment.
What you can do: make sure that now you do not dwell on any of your favorite topics about dogs; raising children; about how it used to be good, but now it’s bad; etc. If this is the case, pull yourself together and get off this “horse.” A conversation is an activity for two, it is not a monologue.
- Counter questions are too simple or there are none at all. If your interlocutor does not clarify anything or asks questions like “When did you move?”, “Where are you going on vacation?” - it may well turn out that he is not too interested in this topic. A person who is interested wants to know more, so he will ask. And his questions will demonstrate curiosity rather than ordinary politeness. For example, questions such as “How did your move go, did you move everything yourself or did you hire movers?” or “Why did you decide to go to the mountains this time, and not to the sea, as always?”
What you can do: ask about the experience and opinion of your interlocutor. Has he ever had to hire movers for a move? Can he recommend any company? Has your interlocutor been to Montenegro, and what place do you think is best for you to choose?
There is one more piece of advice: watch yourself. If you are bored with this person, most likely he is bored with you. Time to change the subject?
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Knowing your personality
Understanding your individuality is, in fact, an interesting activity, since self-knowledge can lead you into the secluded corners of your heart and amaze you with the unpredictability of the results. The idea that you are a boring girl will leave you completely as you explore your capabilities, talents and preferences. Try to create a list of what you have tried in life, for example, what places you have visited, what cuisine you have tasted, whether you have made rash acts, important decisions that once changed your life. If you are not a ten-year-old child, then the list will be impressive; it is important to simply remember even the little things that are not clearly expressed. Highlight the points that are a priority among the rest, clap your hands for the work done, conclusions about yourself should come naturally, first of all, that you are not hopeless.
Spend less time on your phone
This is a small addition to the tips above. University of Massachusetts professor Sherry Turkle, in her new book, cites a survey: 89% of Americans were distracted by their phone during a conversation in person, 82% confirmed that this ruined the conversation with the person.
An interlocutor who often hangs out on a smartphone, scrolls through the news feed of social networks in the presence of people, or watches some videos will never become the life of the party. He will be considered a boring and limited person. So don't make this mistake.
Unlocking possibilities, overcoming boundaries
If the thought “I’m boring” is still spinning in your head, despite completing the feats on the list, it’s time to resort to the unknown. Surely, desires have awakened that have not yet been encountered in your modest life: to learn basic sewing techniques, to move a brush on canvas, to make designer stocking dolls, to kick a ball on a football field, to learn the art of makeup. A million examples can be given of how one can develop in various directions if one wishes. As a rule, we build barriers ourselves, but there are no barriers to the beginning of personal development, even at retirement age.
Shock therapy, or unusual circumstances
“So what should I do if I’m boring and don’t notice interesting features in myself, despite the fact that throughout my life I’ve been engaged in different activities?” For such “blind” girls, individual advice is psychological shock therapy. Have you jumped with a parachute, scuba dived, swam with resourceful dolphins or, conversely, with bloodthirsty sharks, staged a fire show, shouted on a crowded street, how happy are you? No? Then what are we waiting for? Go ahead, towards extravagant actions that are not typical for you! Believe me, the sky-high adrenaline will do its significant work, cause a global storm of emotions, pleasant memories that will be enough to share with your loved ones and acquaintances, and there will be something to tell about to unfamiliar friends. You will undoubtedly feel how at this stage of development your individuality is revealed, and then you will want to continue again and again.
Professional growth is a consequence of a developing personality
Depressed clients visit psychologists when they think they have a boring job, what to do in this case? The answer is simpler than they think - it’s worth changing the place of your usual location. Deceived by their desires, even in their youth, teenagers place bets on their chosen specialization at an institute, technical school or any other educational institution. The problem lies in unformed views, immaturity of character, lack of experience, which entails the wrong choice of a profession in which it is quite possible to grow into a respectable employee, but at the same time you can actually become unhappy. According to deplorable statistics, 70-80% of people go to jobs they don’t like every day; naturally, most of them are not satisfied with their field of activity and do not achieve any results. Being happy is a multifaceted concept, everyone has their own happiness, but the priority is to find yourself, to find out what you really like. It’s never too late to know yourself, to realize yourself in other areas of life, perhaps your calling is to make children happy, organize special events, and meanwhile you are sitting in the office over dreary documents.
Academia and Boredom
It is believed that a universal and generally accepted interpretation of the concept of “boredom” has not yet been derived. Boredom is not just a type of depression or apathy. These words cannot be considered synonyms.
Scientists prefer to give the word “boredom” the following definition.
Boredom is a special mental state in which people complain about the lack of even minimal motivation and interest in something.
As a rule, this condition has negative consequences for a person’s mental health, and also significantly affects his social life.
There has been a lot of research on boredom. For example, it turned out that it is one of the reasons that provokes overeating, along with depression and increased anxiety.
Another study looked at the relationship between boredom and driving behavior. It turned out that people prone to boredom drive at a much higher speed than all other participants. They are also slower to respond to distractions and danger.
In addition, in 2003, a survey was conducted among American teenagers, the majority of whom claimed that they were often bored. As it turned out later, such teenagers were more likely to start smoking and using drugs and alcohol at an early age. The research also touched upon issues of education.
Students' performance is directly related to whether they experience boredom or not. Boredom is a problem that requires increased attention.
Jennifer Vogel-Walcutt
teenage psychologist
Scientists are trying to understand how boredom affects our brains, how it affects our mental health, and how it affects our self-control. “We need to do a lot of research on boredom before we can draw any conclusions,” says Shane Bench, a psychologist who studies boredom at the University of Texas.
There are more and more people interested in boredom issues. Geneticists, philosophers, psychologists and historians are beginning to actively unite in order to work together to study it. In May 2015, the University of Warsaw organized an entire conference where topics related to boredom, social psychology and sociology were discussed. In addition, a little later, in November, James Dankert gathered about ten researchers from Canada and the United States for a thematic seminar.
The impact of characteristic changes on personal life
A woman’s heart is created for love, affection, passionate relationships; for the sake of their loved one, girls are able to change, adapt, become better in all their manifestations in order to please their precious chosen one. There are not isolated cases when a girl at an appointment with a psychologist shares something unpleasant: “The other day I was on a date, everything seemed to be going well, but at the end of the evening the guy said that I was boring, and it’s unlikely that anything serious would work out between us.” " Agree, it really affects self-esteem and makes you think about your own behavior. Females, by their strategic nature, are able to think through topics for conversation, seemingly relaxed gestures, and an attractive image before going to meet a man. But this is not enough to win the proper attention of a man; it is quite possible to confuse the tactics of behavior with a specific chosen one, because you do not know what exactly this handsome man wants. So that at the end of a promising evening you don’t sit with a questioning look: “Am I boring?” It is necessary throughout the entire period of conscious age to develop in all directions, to learn sciences that are not familiar to you, but interesting in their significance, to touch upon “male” topics: cars, fishing, sports, weapons, hunting. All-round development, even in small quantities, is useful for communicating with the opposite sex; interest only in female beauty and sex appeal is unlikely to last for a long time.
Key points
- Boredom is a motivational state: when we are bored, we want to be engaged, which is not at all like laziness or apathy.
- It can push you towards positive or negative behavior, but which path you choose is up to you.
- Boredom serves an important purpose—it signals the need to reclaim authorship throughout life.
- Avoid medication—minimize passive entertainment, which only pacifies discomfort without addressing the root cause of boredom.
- Look for activities that stem from and express your curiosity, creativity, and passions.
- To help you get started, think about your values and goals in life and consider changing your perspective - point your curiosity at something and suddenly tiny details can become exciting.
- Don't let anyone tell you what to do—it's up to you to decide how to respond well when boredom strikes.
It's time to turn your inner world upside down
It is commendable when a person wants to change completely and completely, give up bad habits, change his style, create a certain creative image, even if not understandable to everyone, and at the same time attract immediate interest in his individuality, stop being boring and tedious. Extravagance is welcomed in such cases when you fundamentally want to change your life, change your type of activity, change your manner of communication, or show shocking expressions of feelings. The most important aspect is self-confidence, self-confidence, decisiveness in actions. Don’t be afraid to show dissatisfaction or, on the contrary, admiration; they will hear you, therefore, they will notice and will be obliged to listen in the future if you do not slow down your persistence in certain circumstances. The banal phrase “everything is in your hands” has a direct place in the life of any person, even the most inconspicuous and quiet one, who is also capable of turning the world upside down.
A fast path to a fulfilling life
If you decide to change, you are not going to stop at any difficulties, improve, develop, become attractive to most people, take a worthy position in society, then it is time to take several steps towards realizing hidden opportunities, talents and desires. Psychologists provide a modest list of sequential steps for self-improvement:
- Stop telling yourself, “I'm boring.” Otherwise, you won’t be in an optimistic mood. It is known that lack of self-confidence gives rise to passivity and self-confidence in life.
- Look “into yourself” with the help of a mirror, study every feature of your face, the depth of your eyes, the thoughtfulness of your gaze, look for what you don’t notice in others and identify features that are unique to you. Love yourself, understand that you are not like you, and this is an individuality.
- A lot of trainings, both individual and group, are carried out in modern society, which has ceased to be wild and is well accepted by people; moreover, attendance at trainings on personal growth is increasing every year. When studying courses on adaptation to life circumstances and personality development, it is easy to find new friends with whom you will also find common interests and topics for conversation.
- Do not focus on the opinions of others, this can lead you into a stupor in life at a crucial moment of decision-making; be without a doubt confident in your own abilities and unshakable energy.
- It is worth choosing interesting areas of activity in which focus will not fade, but will only gain momentum in full force, thus really transforming from a boring scientist into an unpredictable showman. Reveal yourself, learn and believe only in your own strength.
Work on your self-esteem
To avoid being boring, you need to have courage. After all, not everyone will dare to directly express their opinion, joke in the presence of a large number of people, or be the center of attention. Courage is inherent in people who are self-confident.
Healthy self-esteem is formed if you:
- achieve certain successes in your career;
- have a wide range of interests;
- are deeply interested in 2-3 areas;
- know how to take care of yourself and rest properly;
- working on your external attractiveness.
If you have fears, complexes, you don’t love yourself and consider yourself unworthy of life’s blessings, then work on your self-confidence.
