The decision to separate from your spouse is not an easy one to make. But it’s even more difficult to find the words to tell your marriage partner about this. Before telling her husband about the upcoming divorce, it would not hurt a woman to get acquainted with the advice of psychologists on this matter, which will allow her to avoid unnecessary mistakes.
How to tell your husband about divorce
Spouses do not always manage to maintain love and normal relationships during family life. Sometimes everyday and financial difficulties, the birth of a child, or the betrayal of a husband or wife lead to frequent quarrels and scandals. In some cases, spouses reconcile after a showdown, and sometimes the only correct option is separation and divorce. If a woman is confident in her decision, she needs to tactfully tell her husband about it and try to make sure that the divorce procedure goes smoothly and without scandal.
Specialist help
If your husband is having a hard time with the upcoming divorce, it makes sense to talk to a professional psychologist. It is better if it is a man, since representatives of the stronger sex understand each other well and will easily find a common language. It is recommended that you come to the consultation together, answer a few general questions, and then leave your spouse alone with the specialist. The psychologist, using professional techniques, will explain to the man that divorce is not the end of life, but the beginning of a new stage. Usually. After several conversations with a specialist, the spouse comes to terms with the situation and begins to think positively .
The help of a psychologist in such cases is much more effective than support from family and friends, since the specialist assesses the situation from the outside, without giving preference to anyone. If the advice of a specialist does not help, and the husband falls into long-term depression, it makes sense to consult a psychiatrist, since divorce often provokes neuropsychiatric disorders. Also, the help of a psychiatrist is necessary if the husband, having received news of the divorce, falls into a long binge caused by stress.
If a spouse deliberately pretends to be sick or “heartbroken” so that his wife will pay attention to him and postpone the divorce, you need to immediately understand: this trick will not work.
Divorce is always stressful for both the wife and the husband . If a divorce occurs on the wife’s initiative, this deals a severe blow to a man’s pride. Therefore, before informing your spouse about the divorce, you need to know that: the reaction to unexpected news can be unpredictable. Without preliminary preparation of the other half, everything can end in severe stress for both the husband and wife. If you tell your spouse the unpleasant news in a timely manner and do it correctly, the divorce will be easy and painless for both.
Choose the right time to talk
When talking with your husband about the upcoming divorce, you need to choose the right time, otherwise the wrong moment may affect the outcome of the conversation.
Depending on the chosen goal, experts give the following advice:
- If your first priority is maintaining a normal relationship with your spouse, the conversation about separation should begin when there is no stress or difficulties in the life of the other half. When a husband has problems at work or health problems, it is advisable to postpone the conversation, because at this moment any, even minor stress can cause moral trauma to the spouse. It’s better to start the conversation on a day off, then you will have more time to sort everything out and discuss all the points. This will make it easier for the husband to get used to the thoughts of separation before the start of everyday work.
- If you only care about your peace of mind, it is advisable to start this conversation in some public place, for example, in a cafe or bar. The atmosphere of such establishments encourages a peaceful and calm conversation. There will be other people around you, so it will be much more difficult for an offended husband to express his negative emotions and insult his wife. The ideal time for such conversations is lunchtime on weekdays.
You should never swear or sort things out in front of children; by such actions you will cause psychological trauma to the children. It is better to inform them about the separation of your parents after a conversation with your spouse, when you first find out all the details and nuances.
If you see that your husband has no idea about the upcoming changes in your relationship,
try to “test the waters” in these ways:
- Come up with and tell a similar story that happened to your friends, let it have a happy ending. By your husband's reaction, you will immediately recognize his attitude towards divorce.
- If you have mutual friends who find themselves in a similar situation, ask your husband about their relationship at the moment. The reaction and tone of the spouse will immediately reveal his attitude towards such life situations.
How to properly prepare for a conversation
To start a difficult conversation the right way, prepare for it in advance. You can even write down the questions you want to discuss on a piece of paper so you can speak about them clearly and confidently. Since there will be excitement during the conversation, you may lose your thoughts and get confused. But a pre-compiled and rehearsed text of the conversation will help you cope with emotions and will not give you a reason to worry.
Experts even advise rehearsing a conversation in front of a mirror, then you will be able to control your emotional state. Sometimes a woman can benefit greatly from consulting a psychologist. A professional who often deals with spouses at the time of divorce will help you correctly compose the text of the conversation.
Often, women come up with long and intricate texts to smooth over an unpleasant conversation. But in some cases, this only spoils everything; in the process of sorting out the relationship, a quarrel results, and the spouses never get to the point of the conversation.
If you have finally decided to divorce, you should not delay the conversation and postpone it to another, more suitable day. When the decision is made, tell your husband about it, provide convincing facts and arguments. Be prepared for a sharp conversation, for various questions, and sometimes even for aggression in your direction; your husband’s reaction may be the most unexpected. For your part, do not give in to provocations and do not respond with rudeness.
Advice from those who have been through it
So, the long and painful process is over. If previously the meaning of life was family life, now your goal is to achieve complete independence from your ex-spouse. Women who have gone through this recommend the following from personal experience:
- Take time for self-development and self-care. Play sports.
- Accept the fact of the breakup. Learn to control your emotions.
- Stop any contact with your ex-husband.
- Don't be alone with yourself. Chat with friends and loved ones.
- Do what brings you joy.
- Be open to meeting new people. The world didn’t come together like a wedge on a failed marriage.
- Speak up. The more you share your experiences rather than keeping them to yourself, the easier it will be to accept the situation.
It must be remembered that life is an alternation of black and white stripes. You need to live for today, and not delve into past mistakes. Who knows, maybe tomorrow you will find your true happiness.
What questions may arise
After you tell your spouse about the decision you have made, he may have questions.
Usually husbands ask:
- When you decided to break up. You will have to explain that this desire was not spontaneous, it was caused by many problems and conflicts, a lack of understanding of ordinary everyday and everyday moments. Please note that this was not an easy decision to make. In a conversation, you cannot blame your spouse for all the troubles, and especially not be rude and insult him.
- Is there a lover? Often husbands are interested in this very moment; they think that if a woman decided to leave him, it’s because of her rival. Act according to the circumstances, if your husband is very excited and nervous, there is no point in developing this topic further now, let him calm down and get used to the idea of divorce.
- What is the reason for the separation? Calmly and clearly explain all the arguments and reasons for which the decision to divorce was made, explain your principled position. Frequent reasons why a wife leaves are that they don’t get along in character, the husband pays little attention to the family, doesn’t want to work, has an affair, and others.
Is it worth returning it if you really want it?
At a certain stage after separation, many women have an irresistible desire to return their husband after divorce. Why is this happening? And what to do with it? It is necessary to remember the reason for the separation. Analyze the situation, draw conclusions, admit your mistakes. Take lessons from your past family life. Otherwise, there is a high probability that the scenario will repeat itself.
Women tend to experience illusions. It is naive to believe that a man will come to his senses and begin to change. To be happy is your desire, which means you have to change yourself. When you are overcome by doubts and feelings of guilt, you need to be extremely honest with yourself. Do you really now agree to lower demands on your partner? Fears and complexes are bad advisers. It is quite possible that after time passes and the ex-husband rethinks his actions he will want to return to his lost family.
Conducting a Conversation Correctly
No matter how difficult it is, set yourself up so that you will not scream, get nervous or cry when talking with your husband.
If you talk peacefully and sort out all the current situations, you will maintain normal relations in the future. And this is very important, especially if there are small children in the family, because they will also have a hard time after their parents’ divorce. It’s not easy to get yourself into a conversation with a person you just recently loved. Don’t torment yourself and don’t blame yourself, think that soon all the difficulties of the divorce process will end and you will start a new and interesting life.
Also, psychologists, when talking about an upcoming divorce from a husband, advise:
- Do not immediately move on to financial issues. If your husband is a decent person, he himself will offer financial assistance.
- Do not start shouting, do not insult or reproach your husband. This is especially important if there are minor children in the family; in the future you will have to meet with your husband and resolve issues related to their joint upbringing.
- Try to resolve all existing issues peacefully, because scandals have never led to anything good.
Very often, men perceive the desire to break up, initiated by a woman, as a personal insult or betrayal on her part, and behave aggressively. Some may even stoop to insults and blackmail. You should not respond with rudeness in response, submit documents to the court for divorce and then you will communicate with your husband only in the courtroom.
When not to save a marriage
- When one of the partners cheats.
Psychological practice shows that there are cases when, after betrayal, family relationships changed for the better, but this was only when both discussed everything and came to a specific decision about changes in the relationship. Such cases are very rare, but they do occur. Otherwise, betrayal is a betrayal for a woman, which is difficult to forgive, especially at a young age.
- Toxic relationships.
This category includes intra-family relationships. In which all family members are involved. Psychological and physical violence in the family is unacceptable; it entails changes in the personality of the “victim,” and children raised in such families acquire a lot of problems and complexes. Which in the future does not allow them to build happy relationships.
- There is nothing in common, the cohabitation of two different people.
Often, people lose interest in each other; indifference is followed by aggression and growing conflicts that exhaust each other.
- The woman leaves for another man.
Both partners can meet people in their lives with whom they are happy and in harmony. Giving up personal happiness and staying with someone you possibly respect is not a very good decision; most likely, a breakup in the future will be inevitable. But the chances of becoming happy again will go away.
All these lists of reasons lead to the fact that if the marriage turned out to be unsuccessful, and you lose yourself in it, feel loneliness and emptiness, then you should decide to make serious changes. But every psychologist will strongly advise you to initially understand the problem; most often, divorce can be avoided and the family can be saved if both partners combine their strength and desire to save their relationship.
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Understatement, coldness in relationships and lack of confidential communication between spouses lead to a loss of interest in each other; the family exists only nominally.
Preparing for the conversation
A conversation with your husband about the upcoming divorce is only the first stage of a difficult divorce process. Be patient, you will not only have to divide the jointly acquired movable and immovable property, business, but also decide who the children will stay with and how you will raise them. Therefore, it is advisable to start the conversation when you can offer your spouse options that will suit both parties.
The first reaction of men is unpredictable - one will look for the reason for what happened in himself, and the second will blame his wife for everything. Therefore, prepare all the necessary documents for divorce in advance, in case your spouse wants to hide them. Make copies of the marriage certificate, documents for children and give them to friends or relatives for safekeeping.
What needs to be discussed in advance?
If you told your husband that you filed for divorce, you need to immediately decide for yourself:
- How to divide property;
- Plan who the guys stay with;
- Find out whether to file for alimony or whether the husband will give the money himself;
- Determine where to live while the divorce process is underway.
Naturally, you should not get a divorce if financial problems have not been resolved, a mortgage has been taken out, or there are debts. Perhaps they took out loans or borrowings together, but will have to pay alone. In addition, it is very difficult to live alone when there are problems with work. Therefore, it is better to endure this period.
What might you encounter?
If you can’t wait it out, don’t complain; in addition to the children, money problems, lack of work and other disadvantages may occur. It’s good if there is someone to go to, to parents, new love, but if a woman is left alone, it’s a disaster. This blow is difficult to bear, and it is much harder than the divorce itself.
Strong people can take revenge, threaten, weak people talk about suicide, whine and persecute. Immediately explain why you cannot change your decision. Moreover, you should not promise sex. Once the decision has been made, we must stand until the end. The more confident a woman behaves, the more her ex respects her. It's better to remain friends than to throw mud at each other.
How to deal with aggression
Nobody knows how your husband will react to your desire to leave. For some men, even if they see problems in the family, the reaction can be unpredictable. Under no circumstances should you apologize or make excuses, as this will only make the situation worse.
For example, your husband tells you: “You are selfish, you think only about your own interests, everything is not enough for you. I try my best to support you and the children, but you don’t appreciate it.”
You cannot answer in this tone: “Don’t reproach me, I’m tired of your conversations and promises, these are just empty words. You don’t want to do anything so that my children and I can live in abundance.”
It would be more correct to say: “I understand that such a decision is difficult to make right away, but there is no other way out, it’s better that we part now and maintain normal relations in the future.”
You should not be offended, angry or make excuses in a conversation; you need to calmly discuss the current situation and make the right decision. Also, you should not give hope for reconciliation if you decide to end your marriage. It is better to maintain friendly feelings in the future than uncertainty and false hopes now.
