Greetings, Oksana Manoilo is with you. Complaining is a thankless task, many know about it, understand everything, but still sadly state: “ I constantly complain about life , I don’t know what to do.”
And there are other people who know nothing and don’t even suspect anything about that in fact they regularly complain and bother others about it quite a lot.
There are still others who do not seem to belong to these two groups, but often find themselves in situations where they are forced to listen to complainants, and, judging by the number of sufferers, they are literally a magnet for them.
As you may have guessed, all these trends are interconnected; it is all the more interesting to understand this issue, its causes, consequences and the eternal “What to do?”
A person constantly complains about life
In this article you will learn:
First, let’s define more precisely what pity in itself actually is. So, pity is a negative, uncomfortable feeling that can be directed both at oneself and at another living object.
This is always negative and the most unpleasant and low-vibration states are successfully attached to it: sadness, condescension, compassion, and even suffering, condolences, melancholy, despair, and so on. This whole heavy collection usually swirls around the one who is actually complaining, and flies negatively at the one to whom the complaint is made. But more about the unevaded sufferers a little later.
Why do people always complain?
Why should a person complain? We are creatures programmed to do nothing in this world without our own benefit, no matter how good intentions may be sprinkled on that benefit. Any emotion causes certain biochemical reactions in the physical body.
In the case of positive emotions, these reactions will be aimed at harmonizing processes in the body, producing “positive” hormones, rejuvenation, healing, energy saturation, and so on.
In the case of negative emotions, the biochemical reactions produced literally destroy the body from the inside, destabilizing the functioning of its internal systems.
If we consider pity, then the set contains not just one negative emotion, but a whole package. As you can see, in order to complain, there must be a very significant reason and incentive, a benefit of such a scale and “fatness” that can significantly compensate for such extensive physical damage.
Are people who complain and whine really unhappy?
What is the benefit of complaining?
The complaint is based on a desire for support and reassurance.
This is the position of a child, on whom nothing in this world depends and he is looking for an opportunity to hide behind the back of an adult. It’s curious, but during the process the complainant often appears to himself as both a child and an adult at the same time, because sometimes it happens that, having sobbed and groaned to his heart’s content, he himself says to his opponent, but in fact to himself - nothing, they say, we’ll break through, what to do? , and that’s not what happened.
It is for this reason that some people who like to complain literally begin to get angry when a cheerful interlocutor suddenly begins to try to cheer up, noticing the good sides of the situation, or comparing it with someone else’s even more unenviable situation, or simply switching attention.
The complainer may suddenly discover an evil persistence in proving the indisputable horror of his problems, sometimes blaming the interlocutor for his optimism: “Aha! Well, it’s good for you to talk!”
The interlocutor, rolling his eyes from hopelessness, falls silent out of harm's way, and the complainant, having re-occupied his niche under favorable circumstances, usually continues.
This is because previously the process was not logically completed, where first a complaining child takes on the role, expressing everything that is on the Soul, and in the finale, the adult inner part of the person takes on the role, which convinces the “children’s” that everything will be fine.
Yes, in this situation, the process itself looks quite close to a clinical medical case, but, believe me, such a person simply does not know how to do it any other way.
In the variant with the desired reassurance from the interlocutor’s words, the “child” complainant expects him to take on the role of an “adult.” And he brought to its logical conclusion the chain of “discomfort - self-pity - the desire of the “child” to cry - reassurance through the “adult” - a newfound state of calm.”
Therefore, after words of consolation, such a complainant usually feels significantly better.
Common reasons for pity
Infancy
Self-pity can arise due to the immaturity of the individual. Remember how, as children, we blamed everyone but ourselves for our problems? It's the same mechanism here. An infantile person will always blame external situations: boss, neighbor, work, traffic jams, etc.
Narcissism
Narcissism can lead to self-pity. A selfish person, as a rule, takes the position that everyone owes me, but I don’t owe anyone anything. If suddenly an event does not happen as such a person intended, he will begin to blame others for it. Sooner or later, these others will turn away from him and this will become a reason for self-pity.
Low self-awareness
Reduced human self-awareness. When a person is unable to observe cause-and-effect relationships, it will seem to him that the whole world is against him. This can lead to self-pity.
Fear of communication - we realize and overcome
Envy and comparison
If a person is confident enough in himself, other people's achievements can serve as motivation to action. But most often we see the opposite picture. People envy others and feel sorry for themselves because they are unable to change anything.
Self-pity is a negative feeling, bile that needs to be gotten rid of. It poisons your entire life and prevents you from achieving the desired result.
People who constantly complain lack something
The most harmonious form of interaction with yourself and with the World is taking responsibility for creating everything in your life - from events to attracting certain people.
If such an understanding of life is present, then a person does not need to look for levers to balance himself externally; he himself is able to bring clarity to himself, to be the one who gives himself attention, care, help, mercy and support.
But when there is no awareness, a person finds himself in a state of fear, uncertainty and seeks all of the above from someone who wants to listen.
Although, in fact, given that everything in this world is connected to everything, and we are all threads of belonging in relation to each other, it is the complainant himself, with the help of the listener, who calms himself down. That's what was required.
Types of whiners
People who constantly complain can be divided into two categories.
- An inveterate complainer. This type of people does not notice that they whine non-stop. Such a person is always “cold”, sometimes “hot”, sometimes “a lot”, sometimes “little”, sometimes “boring”, sometimes “scary”. By definition, everything is worse for him than for others. He sees everything in black tones. It is difficult for him to enjoy life; he believes that punishment will come with fun. And so it turns out that this individual is only engaged in looking for shortcomings in everything, even if there are none. Considering any situation, first of all, he sees a certain catch. When you first communicate with such a special person, you show sympathy, but very soon you begin to avoid the whiner.
- Aching from time to time. Such an individual complains only occasionally, and at times he may, on the contrary, praise his successes and exaggerate his own achievements. However, the period of boasting does not last long, and such an individual returns to whining again. Such behavior is the result of a lack of internal self-control. Moreover, the complaints and boasting of such persons take on exaggerated forms. When a person whines, she looks like a “beaten dog,” when she brags, she looks like a “funny peacock.”
What kind of diagnosis is this - I constantly complain about everything?
The need to complain has many masks and combinations, and one of them, quite common and, nevertheless, one of the most surprising, is so as not to be jinxed.
Yes, yes, at the core is the same fear of life and uncertainty about anything, a constant feeling of instability and restlessness. As in the first case, there is no internal core, self-support.
Only in this version is a person so afraid of his unexpected fragile “good” or even simply “acceptable”, he is afraid that with a careless word of joy he can frighten away the balance swinging over the abyss.
And yes, he is afraid that everything will go to hell. Therefore, out of fear, he prefers to complain again. Often, even being aware of this, they say, “Yes, I constantly complain and I can’t do anything about it.” For what?
And all for the same thing, so that they would calm down again, they would say, “You know what?! You’re actually fine, look!” Well, or as a result of the “outpourings”, come to such a conclusion and relax in some way.
The child constantly complains
When family members complain, despite their common motives, they may have differences in their aspirations. When a child complains, it is a desire for support as reinforcement in his still shaky sense of self-confidence.
Perhaps parents have intervened many times before, and the situation was resolved brilliantly. And one negative independent experience not only convinced me that I couldn’t do it myself, but my parents could also create it with their negativity. Like, “You can’t decide anything on your own!” the inner conviction that yes, they are right, nothing will work out for me.
The correct thing here would be a soft but firm refusal to do it for him, plus friendly support for any outcome, whatever it may be. Believe me, it is many times more important for a child to be treated as an individual at home than to be treated by anyone outside.
An important help will also be to give the child personal or someone else’s positive examples of when they were afraid, but still managed, and in addition, all kinds of approval and recognition of the child’s merits. Increased self-confidence will soon reduce the need to complain about “no”.
Fight or ignore
But such sadism towards oneself does not occur very often. Rather, such lenient means that you are not so irritated that you are able to put up with it. But what if what is happening around you simply cannot remain without your attention? Let's say there's a new guy in a group of friends whose jokes offend you, and he behaves like an idiot. You can’t just score on him, so what to do in such a situation?
Firstly, you shouldn’t dramatize and talk about it all the time. With such behavior you only spoil your nerves, and the nerves of those around you who are tired of listening to your complaints. Don't suffer, just talk to him. Most likely, this will solve the problem, but if not, then reason with the irritant with a caustic phrase - this will be more than enough
Don't concentrate on what you don't like, because it has a destructive effect on you and your nerves
Now let’s remember how you are enraged by things that you cannot influence, for example, the image of some media personality who has millions of fans. You foam at the mouth to prove her inconsistency, her terrible vocal abilities, criticize her lifestyle, considering it extremely dissolute, and in general you are ready to talk for hours, criticizing this person.
But if this person infuriates you so much, then why pay attention to him at all, follow his life, if you can simply protect yourself from this? This is the very case when you need an irritant and you yourself attract situations in order to interact with it. After all, it doesn't affect your life in any way, so why waste effort and energy hating something or anyone? Don't pay attention - you'll be happy and healthy
Mom constantly complains
When an already independent adult child tends to complain on a regular basis from his mother, then this is most likely a need for communication and attention, first of all.
The childish part is strong in all of us and will always be strong, so in childhood the vast majority of us learned that when things are bad and not good, those who are merciful and compassionate pay attention to you and come running much more cheerfully and swiftly than if everything is fine with you.
Yes, towards advanced age, without the presence of awareness, the appearance of all kinds of fears also takes place, and therefore the desire for one’s own calm through complaint also takes place.
However, practice shows that by making your communication not forced and formal, as if from the category of tedious obligations, but benevolent, establishing regular communication with your mother in a positive way.
And by explaining to her that complaining drains both her and you, your emotional contact can be magically transformed, making it mutually fulfilling.
Husband complains
When a man complains, provided that we are talking about a high-quality example now, without distortions into childish immaturity, then this is almost always a desire for the first option.
That is, a man, telling about his sorrows in his narrative for himself, and a child, trying to cry, shout out, and a wise adult, who, as a result, when the emotions subside, will quietly but surely put everything in its place.
And this point does not necessarily have to be voiced to the woman, that’s why it’s wise. You can understand that the process is completed by the fact that the man has become calmer. It’s unlikely to be happier, but fatigue and apathy are a sure sign that destructive negative emotions have been spoken out and come out. Now - restoration.
By the way, speaking is a very powerful tool in psychology, it is good when working with men, since they, unlike women, are less inclined to show feelings, it is more difficult to force them to write down their own feelings, which would also be very effective.
Therefore, if a beloved man complains to you, provided that he does not do this often and not to everyone, then in fact this is grace. Because calm, even listening without the desire to ennoble with advice will give him the opportunity to “discharge” by removing the static.
And thereby providing yourself with complete therapy. After all, men get sick because they tend to keep everything to themselves. And here is the prevention of cardiovascular diseases, at a minimum.
You say, what about me, why should I listen to and take on this anger? But the fact of the matter is that a woman’s wisdom in this matter lies precisely in clearly realizing that now the man is complaining and angry simply because of what has accumulated in him.
He needs to “discharge”, and not at all from the fact that something is wrong with you, that it can somehow harm you, and so on. But in order to come to such an understanding, you need to be resourceful and calm and engage in your own fulfillment on a regular basis.
It is in this state that the situation, when a man complains and even does it emotionally, does not hurt in any way, the man himself is perceived with mercy and is imbued with energy, which such a woman has over the edge. He gets drunk and calms down, and then everything is within his reach, he feels subconsciously.
When does love turn into pity?
In one of the eastern languages, the verb “to love” is literally translated as “to take your pain upon yourself” (that is, to feel sorry!). Of course, feeling sorry for your loved one is absolutely natural!
But let's look at a typical situation.
Here is a man sitting on the sofa, unsuccessfully looking for a job for the fifth month (which is greatly facilitated by the sofa itself, the TV and beer). Throughout the apartment there is incessant whining and complaints about the “unfair world”, which does not want to let him, a graduate of a construction vocational school, into the chair of the general director of a marketing company.
All this is accompanied by demands: “Cook some soup! Where's my clean shirt? Why didn’t you buy sausages?!”
What should the owner of such a “treasure” do? That's right - shoot it in the neck!
And all women will give exactly this advice in this situation, if we are talking about a friend, the heroine of a talk show, a discussion on a forum...
But as soon as such a situation happens in their own life (of course, I don’t wish this on anyone!), the woman’s views change dramatically - instead of breaking up with a clearly unsuitable man, she begins to feel sorry for this man. Soups are boiled with renewed energy and chops are fried, beer is brought from the stall on demand without the slightest complaint... All whims, spinelessness and lack of initiative, rudeness and even aggression are attributed to the influence of the “unfair world”, as the “sufferer” himself speaks about it.
All the arguments of acquaintances trying to open a woman’s eyes to what is happening are crushed by the iron argument: “But I love him!”
Hmm, friends and relatives think, if such a wonderful young lady in all respects tolerates such a scarecrow next to her, then this, apparently, is truly “love until the grave”! But is it only love that becomes the reason for such all-forgiving pity for a man?
I constantly complain about life - lack of resources
It's another matter when the resource is at zero. Then, firstly, the complaining man will be perceived in the most negative way. Everything he says will catch and irritate, even if he talks about topics abstract from your life and about the appearance of completely different people.
During the “process” there will often be thoughts that, they say, “he’s complaining, but what’s wrong with me, but I’m not complaining, but he is, and he’s also a man!” As you can see, there is no smell of mercy, but rather an internal clarification of “who owes what.”
Just thoughts about debts and how everything should be and how it really is, emerge from a state of zero energy. And when two people meet with empty energy tanks, intending to feed off each other, things usually end badly.
The matter usually ends with either an energy donation, when the one who complains suddenly turns pink in his cheeks and rises in spirits, while the listener, on the contrary, turns pale and somehow calms down in an unhealthy way.
Or, when both are strong, and no one wants to “feed” the other, tearing off pieces of resource from themselves, the matter can end in a scandal. By the way, this scheme applies to all situations where a “complainer” and a “listener” appear, and not just in a situation where a man complains.
Replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
In fact, you need to think less, unloading your head as a result, but first try to make your thoughts more constructive. If you can flip the imaginary switch in your head and organize your thoughts, you will immediately notice that the number of repetitive, meaningless thoughts in your head has decreased significantly
But to do this you need to be able to pay attention to what you think. Once you notice negative thoughts in your mind, try to transform them into something brighter and more positive.
This will take a lot of practice, but over time it will help you...
Constantly complaining that fate is bad
Energy vampirism is born when the person sitting in the role of listener is himself exhausted. And he himself is outside the resource. He experiences negative emotions while listening to the complainer, but cannot do anything, performing this unenviable role over and over again and literally feeding himself energetically.
But at first glance it seems that such a listener in this process is a forced person. We remember and do not forget that any action or inaction has a benefit.
The desire to have people complain to you, “pour out their souls”, cry, and so on certainly has it. And, I must say, significant benefits, because believe me, no one would feed another person himself for pennies. The benefit of the listener, to whom complainers fly like moths to the light, is very significant.
Help from a psychotherapist
However, some people, for example, those with increased personal anxiety, need outside help to understand how to stop feeling sorry for themselves and start living without looking back at their past mistakes.
Carefully analyzing literally every day of his life in a conversation with a psychotherapist, a person, as if from the outside, evaluates everything that happened to him, which made him upset and lowered his self-esteem. Only by admitting to yourself that you are excessively compassionate can you move on and fight for mental happiness and peace of mind.
Having analyzed the situation as a whole and individual moments - when a person most wants to feel sorry for himself, the specialist helps to take a fresh look at what is happening, for example, in a game or training form, replacing everything negative with positive ones. Gradually, a person develops the skill not to feel sorry for himself, but to overcome obstacles on the path of life, act and not become discouraged.
A strong will will be an excellent assistant - it can be “trained.” For example, give yourself a task to achieve this or that goal, and then “reward” yourself, as an option - buy a new wardrobe or something delicious for dinner.
Learning something new, “acquiring” an exciting hobby, joining a hobby group, or starting to attend pop dances is another option for switching your thoughts from pity to productive activity.
Vampirism or how to protect yourself?
Firstly, it is always feeding your own importance. An internal, often not even conscious conviction that since they tell me, since they trust me, that means I am a good person, reliable, I am valued, people speak and think well about me, my status is at the level.
Sometimes a sweet conviction-pride even creeps in, which means I’m better than a complainer, because everything is acceptable with me, everything is smooth, I don’t complain, but they complain to me, I’m incredibly cool!
The fact that the personal space of the listener is used over and over again by the complainant as a trash can into which he can pour all the disturbing obscenities, literally relieving himself, such a listener often simply does not realize. And the very desire to “talk in confidence” with the complainant is more prestigious, the higher the status the complainant occupies.
It is not uncommon, I note, for higher-ranking bosses to “secretly” energetically eat up “trusted persons” from lower-ranking employees with enviable regularity. The donors are in awe of the honor given to them, and the recipients feel good in the end, and everyone seems happy. If not for some secret processes.
When a person allows himself to be drained of energy just like that, he thereby signs that he does not love himself so much that he is ready to give his strength to another only for the fact that he recognizes at least some value for a short time.
Why do people talk and keep secrets?
Such a person has little chance of changing anything in his life for the better, because he simply does not have the strength to do so. There weren’t a lot of them before, but now even this “not a lot” regularly migrates into the mental insides of another person who is stronger in energy. Duality in the world is still strong and for any predator there will always be a victim.
Likewise, it is not as sweet for the complainant as it might seem at first glance. Firstly, the desire to be constantly dissatisfied with life sends the energy of dissatisfaction into space, and it returns as a boomerang in the form of strengthening, rooting and growth of those situations that, in fact, caused a frantic and regular desire to cry. The boomerang law, you need to know.
Secondly, this fear gives rise to the need to parasitize on other people's energy and the desire to find peace outside. And fear is always dislike. Dislike for yourself, first of all.
So we found a common dominant between the complainant and the listener. No one is happy, it turns out, and each has his own benefits, which he seeks in others, although he could easily get by on himself. If…
If only I had a resource. If I were in love with myself. If only he understood the law of cause and effect, if he simply took responsibility for his life and did not try to shift it to someone or something else in this world.
Training for... optimists!
Whiners don't turn into beaming optimists on Mondays. Not on the first days of vacation, not on birthdays!
Because for a person who spent 20 (30, 40...) years looking for flaws in the whole world, such an instant transformation would be equal to the miracle of turning water into wine!
To stop complaining about life, you need to work on yourself - tedious and not at all quick.
It's akin to quitting smoking or biting your nails. By the way, some methods for re-educating the “whiner in yourself” are similar to those used for smokers and even alcoholics!
Here are a few ways to stop complaining about life from Beautiful and Successful:
Symbol method
Choose a symbol object that will clearly indicate the bad habit of complaining about life circumstances.
Set a deadline in which you are going to completely get rid of this habit (don’t make it easy on yourself - nothing will happen in a few days!): for example, a month.
And now your test begins.
Every time you can’t restrain yourself and make others “happy” with another complaint, take out a symbol object (for example, a lace) and make some changes to it (in the example with the lace, tie a knot in it).
This means that an additional “penalty” day has been added to the probation period.
But if it happens that you consciously restrain yourself and instead of complaining, notice something positive around you, reward yourself by untying one knot and “writing off” one day!
This technique will work if you don't cheat! In order not to start feeling sorry for yourself, tell someone close to you about your plans, who could at least partially control your actions.
Mental Explanation Method
Most (if not all) people have a habit of having a “mental dialogue” with an imaginary interlocutor.
For example, it is on this “invisible friend” that we pour out the entire stream of our dissatisfaction and complaints about life: some fat man pushed him painfully on the bus, the boss did not notice the excellent work, and the scrambled eggs were burnt, and because of this the husband grumbled!
But try telling this imaginary listener explanations that atone for the guilt of your offenders.
For example, the fat guy on the bus doesn’t have a girlfriend, so he feels lonely and is somehow trying to attract attention to himself. The boss, quite possibly, caught a cold and came to work with a fever, so as not to abandon the work he started - where can one delve into the work of each subordinate? My husband grumbled because he was already used to your fantastic breakfasts! And so on…
And so on…
The main rule is don’t say your complaint out loud until you come up with such an explanation!
There is no doubt that soon you will stop complaining about life, because your “mental interlocutor” is your own subconscious!
Glass dome method
This mental training is useful for people who tend to take a large number of events, even minor ones, “to heart” and “digest” them for a long time.
If you consider yourself to be such sensitive people, try in every exciting situation to imagine that there is a solid glass dome above you.
Offensive words addressed to you, irritation and bad moods of other people do not penetrate through it - you are free to “let in” only those impressions and emotions that you yourself consider necessary.
Just don’t get too carried away with this technique, so as not to become a “thing in itself”!
And in order to stop complaining about life, you need to cultivate another, opposite skill: to find something good in life.
For example, buy a camera and carry it with you wherever you go - you will definitely start to find small miracles that are just asking to be photographed!
If the people with whom you have to communicate are annoying, set the task of finding those with whom communication will be interesting.
Don't you like rain? Buy fashionable rubber boots - bad weather will be a reason for a fashion show!
The women's site Beautiful and Successful will gladly suggest more ways to make yourself happier!
In general, life is wonderful - no matter who tries to say otherwise!
—— Author – Dasha Blinova, website www.sympaty.net – Beautiful and Successful
How to ease your soul?
Not a single person who is in harmony with himself simply creates a situation in his field when someone comes to him with the desire to “ease his soul.” Just as it wouldn’t even occur to him to pour out his failures on someone else - he is well aware of the causes and consequences.
A person who is in self-love and in energetic balance has nothing to cling to, he is outside the menu of “tidbits”, he has no desire to prove his own worth, just as there is no need to regularly instill confidence in himself through someone else. Why, if you can do it directly through yourself.
Conversations like “ I constantly complain ” or “they constantly complain to me” are not about him or him, anyone can become such a person, and in what way, you now know.
Friends, if you liked this article, share it on social networks. This is your greatest gratitude. Your reposts let me know that you are interested in my articles and my thoughts. That they are useful to you and that I am inspired to write and explore new topics.
What does mental pain “scream” about?
Bad mood, depression, despondency, sadness are emotions that have a right to exist. It is impossible to be positive all the time. When something hurts, we go to the doctor. Pain is a sign that there is some problem in the body. Treatment is necessary to prevent the disease from developing further.
The situation with the internal state is exactly the same. If you do not cope with the negative emotions that poison the soul in time, everything can end in severe depression, mental disorders and even suicide attempts. Heaviness in the soul may be a signal that it’s time to:
- rethink your goals and reconsider the current stage of life;
- make changes that you can’t decide to make and constantly put off;
- slow down the pace of work;
- take a break from the hassle and bustle;
- be more attentive to yourself, your feelings and experiences, without pushing them into the background;
- get rid of loneliness and find like-minded people.
If you recognize such signals in time and take measures to eliminate them, then your state of mind will improve quite quickly. Your mood will improve and life will sparkle with new colors.
You should sound the alarm when you notice the following signs:
- Eternal depression. You are constantly in a bad mood. Nothing pleases me at all. You don’t even try to smile at others on duty.
- Lost interest. What once made your eyes burn has now become bland and boring. Neither work, nor hobbies, nor hobbies arouse enthusiasm anymore. Moreover, you even avoid meeting with friends.
- Prostration. You feel like your battery is completely drained. Even if you have gathered the last of your strength and started to work, you immediately stop it. You are unable to concentrate on completing tasks.
- Deterioration in sleep quality, insomnia. At night, sadness and melancholy become even heavier. Anxious thoughts prevent you from falling asleep peacefully. And when you wake up in the morning, you feel as if you had been unloading wagons all night.
- Indifference to one's appearance. Not only have you stopped visiting the hairdresser, but you even simply forget to wash your hair or brush your teeth. You put on the clothes that fall out of the closet first. You don't care at all about your appearance.
- Lost desire to have sex. People who are in close relationships have lost the joy of sex. They stop taking initiative and are reluctant to agree to intimacy with a partner. They don’t even try to act out passion in bed.
- Apathy. You are no longer interested in news from the lives of your friends. You don't care what you're wearing, what you look like, what you eat, etc.
All signs point to you being deeply depressed. And it's time to pull yourself out of it. The article “How to get out of depression” has a lot of useful tips on this topic.
