Partnerships are something that many people dream about, but almost no one has ever seen, says family psychologist and psychoanalyst Irina Kamaeva. Let's figure out what a partnership is, what skills you need to have, what ways to know in order to be in this relationship. And is it worth striving for them?
We propose to consider various models of partnerships. So let's take a very simple continuum from to to to. On this continuum, on the one hand, we place the attitude towards a marriage or business partner as a means. And at the opposite end, accordingly, is the attitude towards the partner as a value. Let's consider all types of alliances sequentially: dominance, manipulation, rivalry, partnership and commonwealth.
Domination
In this union, the attitude towards the partner as a subject prevails. Such relationships are based on the dominance of one of the couple.
Dominance is the attitude towards a partner as a thing, a part of oneself, something that does not have independent thinking, its own feelings, its own goals and achievements.
Unfortunately, a huge number of parents treat their children this way. Precisely as a part of themselves, that “piece” that will realize their goals, objectives, expectations, fantasies. It's the same in marriage.
In such unions it is often found:
- domestic violence,
- psychological abuse,
- hyperdominance,
- merger,
- codependency.
The desire to possess, control, decide for..., gain unlimited power, control is completely typical for partners.
People who are prone to dominance are absolutely stereotypical in their ideas about marriage. You can often hear phrases from them: “A man is a man, but a woman is no one,” “eggs don’t teach a hen,” “children have no right to...” and so on. Everything stereotypical is appropriate here: a woman should bake pies, greet her husband with a smile, dress up the children for his arrival. And imposition, suggestion, domination, punishment without any rewards, up to and including the use of gross coercion, is a common story in such families.
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Styles
The following common styles of family relationships can be distinguished:
- Diktat. One member of the family subjugates all other members of the family to his will. The dictator decides all important issues without taking into account the opinions of other relatives.
- Guardianship. Someone in the family, usually the mother, is overly protective of the rest of the family. As a result of this guardianship, relatives cannot fully manage their lives and make independent decisions.
- Cooperation. The most comfortable and correct type of relationship, in which all family members interact with each other as equals. Cooperation between spouses is the basis of a strong marriage, provided that it is combined with spiritual intimacy.
Manipulation
The second format of relationships in a couple is associated with manipulation. At the same time, the attitude towards the partner remains the same, but is hidden behind a mask. If during dominance the influence is open, then during manipulation it is hidden. One of the partners does not take into account the interests of the other, but if during dominance he directly demonstrates this, then during manipulation he hides his true intentions.
When a psychologist has to tell a client that a partner dominates, but hides it, the person cannot believe it. Manipulations can be quite thoughtful and sophisticated. More complex moves, communication techniques, and negotiation options are used here than with dominance. But in both the first and second options, a person wants only one thing - to achieve his goals, to take into account only his interests.
Criteria for determination
So, what is a love partnership? This is a union of two people, regardless of race and social status, which is based on voluntary, mutual consent. There can be several motives for being together. It can be love, infatuation, sympathy, affection, codependency, and the main component without which such relationships lose their shine is, of course, a real, human emotion.
Healthy, secure partnerships include:
- mutual respect;
- the presence of clear, agreed personal boundaries, which are prohibited from being violated;
- the presence of a frank, full and trusting dialogue in a couple.
Often such relationships are built on the basis of an oral agreement about how to behave and in a given situation, who takes the initiative in some specific issues and who in others. This agreement must suit both partners. This is an important criterion for a safe and comfortable partnership.
Rivalry
The favorite, adored format of relationships in marriages (and one that is almost never realized) is rivalry. It can manifest itself in anything: in the struggle for power, for who controls and manipulates better, who is more valuable, who needs whom more.
The main game of this not very free relationship is competition.
The interests of the partner are taken into account only in the format or to the extent that the other needs. For example, “I will take into account your interests, but only as long as they do not interfere with mine. If they attack, we will fight, and if they do not contradict each other, we live peacefully and coexist well.”
The question is that in a lot of areas and in a lot of daily moments, the interests of partners may not align. Each of the fragments can be discussed separately for hours to figure out what it is. In rivalry, there are also a lot of subtle manipulations, there are also rough ones, but the most important thing is that there is constant competition between partners.
All of these dysfunctional relationships are quite strong and stable. Perhaps this stability is not needed, but it is there.
Partnerships in the family: not always equal and not everyone can do it
Film "Major Payne"
When you are offered to become a partner, it is not always clear what is behind it...
Film "Satya Das"
Some approaches believe that there cannot be partnerships between a man and a woman in a family.
Film "Radislav Gandapas"
There is also an opinion that in a family partnerships should be exclusively relationships of equals.
Film "Moscow Doesn't Believe in Tears"
These relationships will definitely be partnerships, but not entirely equal%3A in which the man’s word will always be final.
Film "Liquidation"
They love each other and they hear each other. This is a loving partnership.
Film "Business approach and love"
Online program by Dmitry Sorok “A Woman Through the Eyes of a Man.” Issue No. 1. Visiting Dmitry Prof. N.I. Kozlov and his wife, psychologist Marina Smirnova.
In the comments to the “I am the sun” test and many articles devoted to marital relationships, you can often hear: “Domostroy does not suit me, there should be partnerships in the family!” Does everyone know what it is: partnerships? For our Russian culture, this phenomenon is quite new, some people really like it, but for others it causes serious protests. The purpose of this article is to talk about partnerships in more detail, describe their pros and cons, and discuss who they are suitable for and who they are not.
The essence of partnerships in family relationships is that partners cast aside their prejudices about “how things should be in a family in general” and resolve all specific issues themselves, agree on everything on equal terms and in a free manner.
There is a man, he has his own vision of possible relationships and his own interests. There is a woman, she has her own views on relationships and her own plans. These free people sit down and agree on how they want to live together. And then they live according to these agreements...
What is the opposite of partnerships? If we do not consider completely problematic options, then partnership relations are opposed by the traditional family, where spouses consult with each other, but the final decision on the main issues of life is made by the husband. A traditional family has a vertical power structure; it is a family with unity of command. But in a family with a partnership there is no vertical power structure; here the relationship is fundamentally “equal.” A synonym for partnerships in a family is democracy; sometimes this design is called a horizontal family or a I + I family, in contrast to the WE family.
Relationships “as equals” sound nice, but the reality is more complicated. If the partners behave honestly, then the negotiations last a long time: until the spouses come to an agreement, quarrel or get tired. Negotiating from a position of “equals” is difficult.
- If I don’t interrupt you, then you don’t interrupt me either. If I remove emotions in a discussion, then you remove them too...
Is everyone ready to build their relationships this way? Of course not. Partnerships can only be built by civilized people who are ready to talk according to the rules and live according to agreements. And this presupposes the ability to control your emotions, live with your mind, and not just your feelings, and high internal discipline.
Now let’s imagine a jealous man and a woman with PMS next to each other: how realistic is a partnership for them?
What determines whether a particular family will have partnerships or not? First of all, it depends on the ability and desire of the spouses to build such relationships. If a girl is used to being offended instead of negotiating, there will be no partnership with her. If the husband is used to yelling in case of disagreement rather than listening, there is also no need to talk about any partnership. If spouses respect each other, then in a partnership they will always listen carefully to each other and conduct discussions on equal terms. In a family with a partnership, parents try to have the same style of conversation even with small children, emphasizing that the child’s opinion is very important to them.
However, more often it is more of a game of partnership rather than a real partnership. Partnership begins with negotiations, with the ability to formulate your position, defend your terms and outline your obligations. Can our children aged 5-7 years old do this? Unique - yes, normal - no. Ordinary children can talk well about what they want, but few children know how to carry out agreements on their own. One way or another, in most reasonable families, the child’s desire, until it is supported by contributions on his part and his responsibility, “weighs” less than the word of an adult.
Partnerships can also be unequal
Partnership relations really “stand” in equal negotiations, however, to say that partnerships in the family are always relationships “on equal terms” is incorrect. It is enough for a family consisting of a husband, wife and children to find themselves high in the mountains with heavy backpacks and in a dangerous situation, and all equality in any partnership disappears: adults take their children in their arms or hold them by the hand, the wife obeys her husband, and the husband carries the heaviest backpacks and is responsible for everyone. However, in the kitchen the situation can turn exactly the opposite, and in any partnership the wife will be in command in the kitchen. Also, if a husband and wife go to the market and the husband knows little about shopping, the wife will have the deciding vote. They are in a partnership, they respect each other and the wife will take into account the husband’s wishes, but his main job is to carry heavy bags, and the wife’s job is to choose the right products. Indeed, in families with partnerships, there is often a situation where the husband and wife share areas of responsibility, and in some area the husband has the final say, and in another area, the wife has the final say. It is the specifics of the situation that often determine whose word in a given situation will be decisive.
However, in many families where relationships are generally partnerships, the preponderance of rights between spouses is determined not by the situation, but by their personal characteristics and the personal situation between them.
Equal rights will only be between equals. The relationship between a helpless male parasite and an energetic woman who supports a family, children and this parasite will not be equal. Likewise, it is difficult to count on equality in a family where a woman is not ready to earn the same amount of money as a man, and at the same time does not like to cook and allows herself to be in a bad mood...
Equal rights will only be between equals. Is this true for you? Do you care about this?
For equality to be maintained, it must be maintained. She was wonderful, he was energetic, they built a relationship as equals. If over time she has become lazy and fat, then her scandals and demands for an equal relationship will not return her previous relationships.
Equality is a fragile thing.
Free people enter into negotiations on partnerships as equals, but rarely leave as equals. If you are a better negotiator than the other, you have the advantage, but if your partner makes larger contributions to the family and you are a freeloader (freeloader), your position is weak. The most problematic situation is for someone who is very interested in a relationship and is forced to negotiate with a party who has little interest in the relationship or, worse, is burdened by the relationship...
God forbid you find yourself in the place of a woman who wants to save her family and is negotiating with her husband who wants to leave the family... If he “so be it” agrees to stay, what enslaving conditions can he impose in such a “partnership” relationship?
Inequality in partnerships is a common thing; some inequality in a relationship does not make the relationship “not a partnership.” Simply, the less equality there is in a relationship, the less of a partnership the relationship is. When equality disappears completely, partnerships disappear completely.
Who is suitable and who is not suitable for partnerships? What are their pros and cons?
Partnerships are not suitable for those who are used to traditional relationships. Imagine the dialogue:
- So, okay, now about money: I suggest that each of us contribute equally to general family expenses every month, for example, 30,000 rubles. - Why? My salary is 60,000, and yours is 300,000! If I give half, then you will give half! - Honey, our relationship is equal, so we will invest equal amounts. - But this is not a family! “But you yourself said that we are throwing away the idea of a traditional family and will live as partners, on the principles of equality!”
Partnership relationships are not very beneficial for people who are dependent on a partner: the resulting agreements will most likely be unattractive for them. Partnerships are completely contraindicated for parasites in life. She doesn’t work and was hoping that he would support her, and he says: “Why on earth?”
Partnerships are not very convenient for men who are used to being leaders in life and are burdened by excessive democracy. “If I love my wife, why these endless painful negotiations? We consulted and I decided - it’s easier and more practical.” Partnership relationships are absolutely not suitable for eccentric women who are accustomed to living by emotions and do not consider themselves obligated to follow agreements.
Partnership relationships are very convenient for men who have not yet worked up. At the stage of agreements, the following dialogue is quite realistic:
- Darling, you and I are free people. I undertake to invest the agreed amount into our union and meet you with flowers six days a week. But on Sunday I will be with my mistress. I don’t mind if you take a lover for yourself too. - What are you saying?! - Darling, but we decided not to constrain ourselves with traditional prejudices. We are free people!
Partnership relationships are suitable for men who have had negative experiences in relationships and now want to be sure that their interests and rights in the family will be protected by clear initial agreements. Partnerships are dear to women who lead an active, creative or business-oriented lifestyle. They do not want to be enslaved within a close family framework; freedom is important to them and they are accustomed to respect for their rights.
This freedom, however, comes at a cost: partnerships create a certain distance in the relationship. There are always rules between partners, and living feelings, if they contradict the rules, are prohibited. In addition, in families with such relationships, it takes a long time to negotiate on any issue, and this is not easy, and if the partners do not have time in reserve and their nerves are not iron, long negotiations often lead to conflicts...
For an ordinary woman, these partnerships are a great test. So far, everything is fine - yes, everything is fine, but as soon as the relationship gets tense, it’s not clear how to get something from the man. He doesn’t hear the demands - “What are the grounds for your demands?”, it’s difficult to prove anything to him, logic is not a woman’s strong point, and you can’t be offended and cry, since smart men have already indicated in the initial relationship agreement that pressure by feelings is considered manipulation and forbidden. A normal woman in such a situation simply feels fooled, sooner or later she cannot stand it and throws a tantrum against these stupid rules, which is where the partnership ends for her...
What do you think about partnerships? What is your experience? How is this something that suits you?
Partnership
What we all want to know about is partnerships. The ones people always ask about: what is it? The main features of partnerships: both partners are equal, each has their own interests, goals and objectives. Moreover, they can be different or the same. There is a desire to always negotiate and re-negotiate.
To create partnerships, it is important to practice individual skills. You need to devote time to this, because this is a negotiated, actual relationship. When discussing each new task in marriage, in the family you need to be able to negotiate, clarify your own interests, the interests of your partner and your common interests, understand where they differ, and, taking all this into account, build relationships.
Partnership is a good format of relationship. What's so difficult about this? The fact that we have minimal negotiation skills, and even fewer negotiation skills in the family. Even if you have negotiation skills outside of your family, you almost never use them in relationships.
Because it is common to think that when we love each other, we must, without agreeing, understand each other’s feelings.
It is not customary in our families, in our culture, to negotiate in marriages. Even when you explain the rules of agreements to a person, he will immediately ask: “What about love?” For some reason, agreement is opposed to love for us.
The main ways of interaction in partnerships are negotiations, finding common ground and changing agreements as necessary.
Freedom and harmony
The relationship between a man and a woman is a purely personal matter. Those. the communication model is adjusted only by the couple themselves and over time it, of course, can be modified and adjusted. A couple can adhere to family canons and more conservative views (sex only after marriage, a man is a breadwinner, a woman is a keeper of the hearth, etc.), but they can also throw away these old stereotypes and how it “should be” and live in their own way. pleasure.
Generally speaking, partnerships are any kind of relationship, but the main priority here is equality, i.e. complete absence of hierarchy, subordination or double standards. The main tool for resolving issues is the ability to negotiate, talk about the things you want to get, but also take into account the desires of your partner.
Commonwealth
An ideal and complex, but nevertheless the best format of relations is called the commonwealth. The Commonwealth is higher and more complex than a partnership. There is an interesting point in it. Marriages based on the commonwealth are early marriages, youth marriages, I call them child marriages. When you get married at 18–20 years old - you are students, you can be poor, happy, in love. You have quite a few resources, but the sooner you will join the community. The value of each other at this time is isolated from all everyday, material and any life-task problems, but as soon as they come, the commonwealth collapses.
Late marriages or not first marriages are characterized by the fact that we never enter into a community. We are those people who have experience behind us, including negative agreements and renegotiations and marriages. There are accumulated resources, many life goals and material things. It is ideal in such marriages to someday come to a commonwealth.
Diagnostics - techniques
Sometimes family conflicts become serious when their participants cannot resolve the situation on their own.
In this case, it is recommended to seek help and advice from family relationship specialists.
Research and analysis of family relationships will identify existing problems and determine ways to resolve them. Main directions of diagnostics:
- Studying the system of distribution of roles in the family. The specifics of building communications in a particular family, the distribution of functions, the emotional climate, and existing problems are considered.
- Studying the characteristics of the relationship between parents and children. Violations in the educational process are identified.
- Study of marital relationships. Assessment of the degree of satisfaction with the marriage, the level of conflict in the couple, existing contradictions.
Partnership marriage: what is it?
There are many types of family relationships that have some differences.
For example, the so-called, when partners do not enter into an official union, but actually live together, run a common household, etc.
Guest marriage is becoming popular today, when spouses live separately but meet periodically. However, one of the interesting forms is partnership marriage.
This is a type of relationship in which both parties have meaning in each other’s eyes, and the concept of debt in its negative sense is not applicable.
Legally, there are no differences from a traditional union, but the relationship between husband and wife is structured in such a way that they do not fulfill the usual roles in the union.
Emotional
Emotional relationships in the family are of great importance because they determine the degree of satisfaction of the spouses with their marriage and the level of comfort and security that is provided to the children. Relationships between family members should be built on trust, respect and support.
It has long been proven that people who grew up in families with a poor emotional climate are most likely unable to build strong relationships in the future.
Any emotional problems in the family (quarrels between parents, negative habits of parents, excessive demands on children, lack of mutual support and trust between family members) negatively affect the child’s psyche, his character and self-confidence.
Two business meanings of the term "partner"
The word “partner” itself translates as “participant”, coming from a French root that denotes a reliable, proven, experienced card game friend who you can always rely on.
What deductions can be used when working with partners from the EAEU country ?
In business, the term “ partner ” is used in two main meanings:
- co-organizer of any form of ownership for running a business, when the business is officially registered in the name of several persons, legal entities or individuals;
- legal entities that formally cooperate, although this is not stated in their charter documents.
Close to the meaning of partnership, the term “ counterparty ” designates one of the parties to a contractual relationship, which is also a form of cooperation.
Question: Is it possible to take into account for income tax purposes the costs of visa support, travel and accommodation for business partners who arrived for an official meeting (clause 22, clause 1 and clause 2 of Article 264 of the Tax Code of the Russian Federation)? View answer
