How to stop living in the past: advice from a psychologist

September 14, 2019
Psychology of Personality
Yana Yakovenko

George Orwell, in his famous dystopia, stated: “He who controls the past controls the future.” In everyday life, our perception of the past also influences future behavior. Therefore, it is extremely important to learn to stop living in the past. How to do this? We will discuss this issue further.

Why leave the past in the past?

Mistakes you once made drag you down. It is as if you are walking along the road with your back turned to it. As a result, you see neither the beauty around you nor the final destination ahead. You only see your footprints. Sounds sad, doesn't it?

If you can accept your past mistakes, you will face the future with confidence. Even serious crimes have a statute of limitations, do you really have to torture yourself for life?

Some people relive their past mistakes over and over again, while others find the strength to look forward. Psychologists note that much depends on the inner core of the individual, on the people around him, and even on childhood. However, if you consider yourself a weak and vulnerable person, this does not mean that you are not able to pull yourself together and change your own life. Therefore, it is extremely important to know how to stop living in the past.

Forgiving yourself and your actions will give you inner freedom. A person who is shackled by past grievances and failures cannot develop spiritually. How to stop living in the past? Psychology offers the following methods.

Effective techniques for dealing with memories

If you cannot get rid of memories of the past using basic methods, use additional techniques that work quickly and clearly. Here are the main ones:

Positive attitude. Before you get out of bed in the morning, tune in to perceive something new. Program yourself for the fact that the new day will bring positive moments, which will subsequently fall into the “piggy bank” of your pleasant memories.
Give the negative to the water. If you feel like your thoughts are overwhelmed by negative memories of the past, go to the sink and turn on the water. Looking at the stream, scroll through your head everything that worries you, imagining how negative emotions flow down the drain along with the water.
Change your surroundings. The ideal scenario is a radical change of residence. A more realistic option is to add new details to your environment (re-glue the wallpaper, hang new curtains, acquire a new interesting hobby).
Expand your social circle. Contacts with people help you switch from negative thoughts to interesting conversation. It’s good if, during a period of emotional decline, you communicate with some new people with whom you do not have common negative memories from the past.
Change your image. Internal transformation, according to psychologists, occurs much easier if it is accompanied by external transformation. Visit the hairdresser, adjust your wardrobe, join the gym - update your appearance.
Get rid of bad habits. Oddly enough, this is a common recommendation from psychologists. The fact is that alcohol and nicotine depress the psyche, forcing you to return again and again to unpleasant moments of the past. By giving up these habits, you will cleanse your body and thoughts.

Change your own life

Many people are interested in how to get rid of the past and live in the present. It sounds very difficult, but the main thing is to change your own life.

So, how to forget the past and live in the present? First of all, you must realize that you want this. Understand that the past is preventing you from living here and now. Now you face the most difficult thing - changing your own thinking. Yes, yes, changing the perception of the world around us is the key to getting rid of the past. We will consider how to do this further, but for now let’s turn to the auxiliary points.

So, how can you learn not to live in the past? First, you need to cleanse and harmonize the space around you. Get rid of old things that may indirectly remind you of negative past experiences. Once you throw away everything that has been cluttering your home, you will feel much better mentally, because your home is a projection of your emotional state.

Try to harmonize the space around you. Rearrange your furniture, buy some accessories, or surround yourself with flowers. You should be as comfortable as possible in your own home.

Do something with your free time. After all, you find it for memories and self-pity. Try to find a more useful use for this watch. For example, take a driving/dancing/embroidery course. Or study any creative skill on your own, because today you can find many instructional videos on the Internet. It is useful to do yoga and master meditation.

You can also completely change your clothing style and hairstyle. Women cut their hair precisely when they feel they need to get rid of accumulated negativity. And it settles on the hair.

Fill with concrete

Remember the joke about how the rich man and the poor man shared three wishes from the Goldfish? The rich man asked to remove all the poor from his living space, leaving only the elite equal in status there, and to surround this living space with a high fence so that no rogues could reach him. The poor man, in turn, asked the Goldfish to fill the pre-fenced space with concrete. It sounds rough, but sometimes you have to use rough methods to get results.

If nothing helps you get away from thoughts about the past, simply concrete the sarcophagus of your negative memories, forming layers of new positive impressions. You may first just have to forcefully remember that you once wanted to sign up for dancing or boxing, and go to the fitness center next weekend to find out the cost and schedule of classes. Remember that you dreamed of seeing the zoo in Berlin - by the way, one of the best in the world - and start planning a trip to Germany. Yes, just do physical labor, which in itself distracts from bad thoughts.

Maybe you should join some online community of interests, for example, photographers, musicians, chess players, and start communicating there. Many such online parties eventually go offline. Therefore, when such an opportunity arises - and it will definitely appear - you can go to a chess tournament, a music festival, or a photo exhibition in a new city.

And a few more words about your social circle. Look around carefully - maybe there is someone next to you who constantly reminds you of the difficult moments of your past? Maybe even out of a good desire to sympathize and support? If so, thank them and say that you no longer need such sympathy. If, under a good guise, there is an energy vampire hiding who needs your suffering, refer to your busyness and begin to gradually reduce the time of toxic communication.

Could you have changed anything?

Alas, humanity has not yet invented a time machine. Everything that has sunk into oblivion cannot be returned or corrected. Therefore, change your attitude in your role in past failures. Perhaps you could change something. Perhaps you missed many opportunities that fate provided you with. However, in fact, you were not the master of the situation: you were influenced by other people and events, as well as the worldview of that time.

Understand that little depended on you. Even if this was not the case, a little self-deception will not hurt. After all, the past cannot be corrected.

Recommendations from a psychologist: how to learn to forgive yourself

How to forgive yourself for past mistakes - advice from a psychologist:

Realize that you are the only person you will spend your entire life with. You are the only one you can always rely on. Any other person can leave your life. Make friends with yourself. And for this you need to forgive, love and accept yourself.
Replace self-flagellation with healthy introspection. Instead of drowning in guilt and shame and simply reliving the past over and over again, learn to analyze traumatic situations and learn from them.
Learn to love yourself unconditionally. You are valuable and deserving of love for the mere fact of your existence. Stop trying to earn good treatment for yourself. You deserve it for nothing.
Study the life stories of famous people. In interviews, media personalities willingly share their problems and methods for solving them. Many openly tell what they were once ashamed of, what they scolded themselves for and how they eventually forgave. For example, the famous actress and TV presenter Larisa Guzeeva for a long time could not forgive herself for her cold attitude towards her own children, as well as for alcoholism, indecent behavior, disruption of performances, etc. But the woman found the strength to take the path of correction, let go of the past and prove to herself and others that she could live differently.
Consult books. For example, read the book by M. Mikhailova and M. Arkhipova “Forgiveness. How to make peace with yourself and others.”

Group psychotherapy is very helpful in forgiving yourself. If you cannot yet contact a psychologist, then find a support group on the Internet. For example, on psychological forums people actively share their experiences of forgiveness. And some psychologists conduct free consultations via chat and answer user questions.

Important! Understand that everyone makes mistakes. This is fine. And life doesn't end there.

Sources

https://blizosti.net/kak-otpustit-proshloe-i-nachat-zhit-zanovo/
https://psyfiles.ru/phobias/zivu-proslym.html
https://www.Teatr-Benefis.ru/staty/psihologiya/kak-legko-otpustit-proshloe-i-nachat-zhit-nastoyashhim/
https://uspeh-woman.com/otpustite-svoe-proshloe-i-osvobodite-sebja/
https://heroine.ru/10-sovetov-dlya-tex-kto-ne-mozhet-otpustit-proshloe/
https://mozaic-life.ru/otpustit-proshloe-i-nachat-zhit-nastoyashchim/
https://knife.media/toxic-cargo/
https://vsvoemdome.ru/psihologiya/samorazvitie/kak-otpustit-proshloe
https://FB.ru/article/399772/kak-izbavitsya-ot-proshlogo-sovetyi-psihologov
https://astro7.ru/online-journal/luchshie-stati/ochishhenie-ot-proshlyih-svyazey-kak-otpustit-proshloe.html
https://lifemotivation.online/razvitie-lichnosti/samopoznanie/kak-prostit-sebya

Forgive yourself and others

Here's how to stop living in the past. After all, resentment is an emotion that destroys a person from the inside. It nests in the heart, preventing you from breathing and enjoying life. Resentment towards yourself and other people flows through your veins like poison. The ability to forgive, including oneself, is extremely important for every person. First of all, resentment creates health problems. However, it also prevents you from loving and breathing deeply.

To forgive another person, put yourself in their shoes. Remember that you sometimes undeservedly offend other people. Have there been similar situations in your life?

Psychologists are sure: a person who is not able to forgive himself cannot grant forgiveness to others. This is an axiom. So start with yourself. Realize that you are imperfect. And so do the people around you. This simple truth often eludes us, who are so intolerant of each other's shortcomings.

Perform an emotional reset

In the process of searching for means and ways to get rid of jealousy of the past, a person tries to be calm and balanced. But this is not always the right approach. Negative emotions need to be released to make room for new positive thoughts and feelings.

This can be done in a variety of ways. You can scream loudly, break a cup, tear a newspaper into small pieces, cry your heart out. In terms of emotional release, physical activity helps well, which also brings considerable benefits to the body in terms of health and aesthetics.

The past is the teacher

Everything that the Universe sends to us should be perceived as a test, a test of strength, and not as punishment. Any situation, especially an unpleasant one, is sent to us for a specific purpose - to learn something. For example, after breaking up with your loved one due to a wrong decision, you learned to appreciate dear people. After spending several years indulging in your bad habits, you realized that time needs to be valued, and you also realized which addictions you need to get rid of.

Of course, you have made mistakes in the past. Perhaps the wrong decisions had fatal consequences. But would you be where you are today if you hadn't made mistakes? Alas, it is the wrong decisions that make us better and wiser.

Help yourself readjust

By letting go of the past, you create space for a new future. And by clinging to the old negativity, you will most likely repeat the same mistakes. I understand that in reality all this is more difficult than in words. Especially when you have just recovered from pain or are still trying to survive the storm in your own life. Therefore, I will give some tips that help me:

Learn to be grateful. This won't solve all problems, but it will help change your mindset. You will notice the good things in life that you usually take for granted.
Change your environment. It greatly influences feelings and behavior. It is not necessary to burn everything connected with the past (although sometimes you would like to) . Let your environment represent everything you want to become, not what you used to be.
Talk to a therapist. I think this should be done at least once in your life. A psychotherapist is a coach, only not for the body, but for the mind. It will help you notice repeating patterns in your life. He is also objective, you can tell him everything, knowing that he will not judge.
Take care of yourself. Treat yourself to something pleasant to close one chapter of life and begin another. And regularly take care of your mental balance. For example, play sports, travel, start new hobbies.

Fix what can be fixed

Life goes on, you need to learn this simple truth. And it does not continue in your memories and soul-searching. Every minute counts down precious time. But our life is not so long as to allow ourselves to neglect even one second.

Think about what past mistakes you can correct today. For example, you offended a friend in your youth, but you are still tormented by feelings of guilt. Find her on social networks, try to talk and ask for forgiveness. It is unlikely that she still holds a grudge against you. Of course, your friend may turn out to be a rather vindictive person who will refuse to accept your apology. Don't let this bother you. The main thing is that you apologized.

Remember that you always have the opportunity to change something. You only need the present and the future for this.

5 steps to free yourself from old relationships

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Know about the sources of collection, the location of your personal data, the purpose of their processing, the location of the processor of personal data, or give appropriate instructions to authorized persons to receive this information, except in cases established by the Law.
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To access your personal data.
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Withdraw consent to the processing of personal data.
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To be protected from an automated decision that has legal consequences for him.

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Policy Change

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Throw out negative emotions

What has been accumulated inside for years needs to be thrown out. Everyone does it differently. Many women choose to cry out their pain. There is no need to be shy about shedding tears over events that are long past. Allow yourself to cry as long as necessary to feel liberated.

You can also go to the gym and beat a punching bag/break unnecessary plates/scream out your emotions.

How to stop living in past relationships?

Perhaps many people ask themselves this question, especially women. Each has its own story, but it ended the same way - with separation. And then the woman begins to analyze the situation, to think that she did something wrong. It is important to understand one truth: even if you made a mistake somewhere (and since responsibility for the relationship lies with both partners, you should not blame only yourself), the past cannot be returned. However, it gave you a priceless gift - experience. Now you will think several times before making a similar mistake.

There is no need to kill yourself for a man who left you. If this relationship brought you only joy and pleasure, thank him mentally and let him go in peace. If the result was constant quarrels and misunderstandings, you should thank the Universe that it was all over. Because things would only get worse further. Gradually you would hate each other.

People are forced to constantly improve spiritually. And it is precisely the failed relationships with the opposite sex that suggest what exactly we are doing wrong. Perhaps you are too dependent on your partner? In this case, it’s time to make an effort to learn to live in harmony with yourself, and not look for replacement in another person. The first thing you need to understand is that past relationships are experiences that made you a more whole and thoughtful person. And they were sent to you precisely for this purpose. It couldn't have been any other way. And your life goes on. And it continues here and now.

Don't fight disappointment and pain

We often look for answers to our questions externally: in books and podcasts, in trainings and seminars, from mentors and spiritual teachers. But this does not always help to understand your aspirations, and sooner or later you need to look inside yourself.

In this case, disappointments and painful memories will inevitably surface. You want to run away from them, but you have to look them in the face. And then you will notice this paradox: the more you fight the pain, the more you give it strength. And when you finally let go of this struggle, it becomes easier.

It's quite difficult. The need to give up goes against everything we are constantly taught: to strive, to push, to endure, to win. But when we surrender, we find peace and find inspiration. And this is not the same as reconciling and falling into apathy.

When you let go of the desperate desire to change the situation, you finally become free.

And you can only live a meaningful life in this state of freedom and self-expression without excuses. Understand that disappointments and pain are a natural part of life. Don't be afraid of them. Yes, you can get your heart broken, you can get fired from your job, your creative project can fail.

But what you learn in the process will help you grow and become a different person. The only way to avoid disappointment is to never take risks. But it will be a very limited life.

Don't live in the past, live in the present

Here's what the famous writer and psychologist Dale Carnegie thought about the past and future:

The first and most important thing a person should know about anxiety is that in order to crowd out anxiety from one’s life, one must make every effort to distinguish between the past and the future.

Carnegie proposes installing “iron doors” between them, thereby creating the “sealed compartments” of today. It is necessary to live in the present, without regretting the past and without worrying about the future. Otherwise, past experiences and thoughts of hope will create anxiety and worry.

Be happy and enjoy today. You have probably already been told once: “Don’t live in the past, live in the present.” It's time to understand that you are here and now. You are neither in the past nor in the future.

Some answers

Remember that everything that happens to you is not a test and it is not a problem. These are your lessons and training.

Perhaps some of you will have questions about the injustice of this world in your minds. But our world is measured down to the millimeter. And everything in it proceeds as it should.

Why did some people survive the war?
This means their souls had to learn compassion and mercy. They had to go through this suffering in order to be purified.
Why do people get serious illnesses?
A person earns his own diseases. Based on his behavior and thoughts, he acquires one or another disease. Sometimes this is a punishment for bad deeds in a past life.
Why do children suffer and die?
These are the lessons of their parents or the whole family.
Why do they take the brightest and most talented people at a young age?
This means they fulfilled their mission in this particular incarnation. By the way, their next incarnation will be even more successful.