Son doesn’t want to work: methods of influence, advice from a psychologist

April 17, 2019
Psychology of Personality
Natalia Balagurova

If your son doesn’t want to work, it’s not easy to get him to find a suitable place, and he’s unlikely to stay there for long. The only reliable option is to explain to the person what the advantages of the job are, what benefits the salary provides, and what can be gained from communicating with colleagues. It is not easy to cope with this task on your own; many modern people resort to the help of psychologists. Let's consider the general advice and recommendations that experts give regarding this difficult situation.

Relevance of the issue

For a long time, people have been thinking about the problems of work, the desire to work, and the availability of permanent employment. This topic attracts philosophers and psychologists, sociologists and marketing and management specialists. Philosophers are trying to find meaning in work, and managers are looking for approaches through which the productivity of subordinates can increase. Parents usually cannot formulate so clearly why it is important for them to understand why work is necessary and important for their children. People are usually simply surprised that a child does not want to work and receive legal remuneration for it. It would seem that if a child has grown up, finding a job for him is the most natural task; everyone copes with it sooner or later. What do you do if your son doesn’t want to work?

Sometimes the situation is completely awkward - the person is already an adult, even married, but still doesn’t want to get a job. Month after month, such people spend within four walls, do not care about relatives and material well-being, do not even think about what and how they will eat that evening. If such a man has a wife and children, the problem can take on catastrophic proportions. Psychologists help cope with it, but working with adults has its own difficulties and characteristics. Many people deliberately do not meet halfway with a specialist who is ready to help in overcoming their own laziness and internal prohibitions, problems and attitudes.

Signs of maternal dislike for her daughter

It is simply impossible not to notice the lack of love between a mother and her daughter. This can be seen in behavior, attitude towards the child and even conversation with him. While hostility can be disguised for others, the girl herself constantly feels negativity from her parent.

The following signs when a mother does not love her adult daughter are most common.

Mother is not involved in upbringing

Parenting is an important and responsible matter in which both parents must take part. If a mother dislikes her child, then taking care of him becomes a difficult task for her.

Therefore, the woman does not want to participate in her daughter’s life, is not interested in her affairs at school or at work, or in her personal life. You shouldn’t expect advice from such a mother on this or that issue.

When communicating with your daughter, a negative range of emotions predominates

A clear sign that the mother does not love her daughter is when communication with the child brings the woman only negative emotions. Therefore, she tries to refrain from talking and does not ask how her day was. It becomes impossible to have a heart-to-heart talk with your mother.

Also, in communication, unloved daughters often hear only reproaches. Instead of affectionate words - sheer negativity: “lazy person”, “armless”, “mediocre” and so on. The mother does not notice the child’s merits and talents, she only notes his shortcomings.

Pays more attention to another child and puts emphasis on this

If there are several children in a family, you may notice that the mother pays more attention to the other child. She spends all her free time with him, constantly communicates, and takes an active part in his upbringing. The unloved daughter is deprived of all this.

Also, the mother always singles out her favorite, talks about his merits, about reverent feelings for him. While he doesn’t value his daughter at all, he speaks badly about her. Constantly compares his children, but everything positive goes only to his beloved child.

Uneven treatment from a parent has a negative impact on the daughter. Possible consequences include:

decreased self-esteem;
the habit of being critical of oneself;
the emergence of confidence in one’s own uselessness and unlovability;
developing a tendency towards inappropriate behavior to attract the attention of parents;
development of a depressive state.

Due to constant comparison, the relationship not only with the mother, but also with brothers/sisters deteriorates. When a daughter grows up and leaves her father's house, the relationship almost always remains the same.

Talks about his dislike for his daughter

The mother is able to speak directly about her negative attitude towards her daughter. At the same time, a woman can often be more restrained in front of others, be hypocritical, and demonstrate love. Typically, this behavior is observed in situations where the daughter has talents and grows into an outstanding personality.

This sign, indicating that the mother does not love her daughter, is often found in families where the parent is trying to use the child as a way to achieve material well-being, success, and recognition in society. Therefore, in front of others, she plays the role of a caring mother who helps in everything, and at home she turns into an overseer, constantly demanding the impossible for her personal goals.

Causes and consequences

Very, very different people are complaining that their son doesn’t want to work, but if you compare their children who are causing concern, then even in the appearance of the men you can easily detect common features. According to experts, those representatives of society who refuse to work and do not want to do it look very similar to each other. They spend their days on the couch or playing games, sleeping for many hours and doing a million small insignificant things that they personally consider vital. In a word, such persons do everything in their power to avoid the fate of a working person. Some invent excuses for themselves, others openly indicate their reluctance to work without any reason for this.

The external similarity of people who avoid permanent work gives many the impression of a unified cause. It seems as if the root of the problem is the same, which means there is one universal recipe that will help fix everyone at once. In reality, there are quite a few reasons, and each person can struggle with his own individual set of such factors. They are all different and require different approaches to solution. Don't expect there to be some universal answer that will satisfy everyone equally.

Reasons for not wanting to work

Why is a young man in no hurry to become responsible, work and earn money? What are the reasons for this behavior?

Didn't find my calling

It is always difficult for creative people to decide on their favorite activity and find their place. Creativity is wonderful! But a young man must realize that despite his dreams, he must earn a living now. Of course, you shouldn’t give up your desires, but everything has its time. An adult boy must understand that he will not always have to do only what interests him.

Depression

This is a serious mental disorder. A person suffering from this disease is tormented by feelings of guilt, self-doubt, meaninglessness and injustice. Depression needs to be treated, and not treated as a slacker. If parents see symptoms of anxiety or apathy in their son, they should be advised to consult a specialist.

Addiction

Addiction can be alcohol, drug, computer. Any of them is dangerous and requires complex treatment.

Entering virtual reality as one of the dangerous addictions of the modern world

Symptom of the problem

If your son doesn’t want to work, you need to take a closer look at the person. To some extent, this reluctance can be compared to a skin rash - without a detailed analysis of the situation, it is impossible to understand where the trouble came from. However, according to psychologists, any adult is lazy by nature; this is completely normal and cannot be condemned. Only a child loves to run and jump, because he is full of strength and energy, and often has nowhere to spend it. Over the years, energy reserves dry up, and a person is forced to make efforts not to stop developing. At the same time, the application of such effort provokes suffering for many. It is more difficult for those who, in childhood and adolescence, did not learn to find pleasure in work. The “carrot and stick” education strategy has long been known, but nature also provokes a person to develop according to the same scenario. The role of the carrot in this case is taken on by the joy and pleasure that an individual experiences upon achieving something. But what to do if a person is not used to appreciating such a carrot, if it does not motivate her at all?

If the son does not work, perhaps he has very few demands in life. For some, the root cause is an attitude that emerged at an early age: everything should appear on its own, without effort, and there is no need to pay for anything. Both strategies limit the person and do not allow her to fully develop. Parents who in childhood provide their child with everything they want, although they bring joy to the child, create a feeling of love and care, but at the same time they do a disservice by creating a negative pattern for the future. At first, adults do not demand anything from the child, but as he grows up, they are surprised at the son’s lack of desires, aspirations and willingness to make efforts to realize them.

How to stop a man's hysteria

A narrow-minded woman who does not value her relationships and family happiness will throw a scandal in response. Or he will counteract with phrases like “you’re acting like a woman,” “what kind of man are you,” and so on. This will not lead to a positive outcome. It is possible that the opposite is true: the hysteria will only intensify. Then what methods will actually be effective? Madame Georgette will suggest several possible strategies.

Hide and wait

Not every woman is able to bite her lip and remain silent, waiting for the end of the hysteria of her husband or beloved man. But sometimes this is the only correct way to behave. So, if you know that you are to blame and really provoked it, it is better not to aggravate the situation. Let him tantrum, scream, wave his arms, break something... After a while he will calm down, and then you will be able to talk to him normally. It’s another matter - if a man is prone to assault... Then you can’t tolerate it. We need to choose another solution. But until peace of mind returns to him, nothing can be done in principle.

Thwart manipulative attempts

This option is suitable if you know that he is trying to manipulate you with the help of hysterics. In the previously presented list of reasons, such men were mentioned in paragraph No. 3. Manipulators often try to achieve something with tantrums.

Remember that if a man has such a sin, he must be discouraged from trying to use you for his own purposes. And this can be done only by teaching him to solve all important issues in a calm state. So, as soon as someone starts to get hysterical, immediately pull away and say that you will not continue the conversation until you calm down completely. And most importantly - do not make concessions, do not feel sorry for him, do not be ashamed of his “callousness”!

Translate to another topic

As with small children, the method of switching attention works with men. And such a switch can have a different nature. From news like “I’m pregnant” or “mom is coming”, communicated suddenly in the middle of his hysteria, to a slap in the face or splashing cold water in the face. In the first case, the psychological mechanism of stunning is used

It is effective, but it is important that the “news” be believable and truly shocking. The second option uses physiological switching of attention

It's very simple and, most importantly, effective.

Use a safe word

This term is now heard by many. It is used in various areas, including quarrels.

It is important to agree on a safe word in advance so that you can use it during a man's tantrum when it is most needed. What is this anyway? A safe word is your individual signal that you need to abruptly stop any actions or conversations.

For 10 seconds or a minute – it’s up to you.

It is important that a man gets used to the existence of such a convention. And for this, you must also follow the rule and be able to stop your own hysterics if your husband (boyfriend) utters this safe word

Here, success depends on whether you two play by the same rules or not.

Be proactive

And another method is essentially prevention. It involves taking sedatives, visiting a psychologist (if possible), and using simple relaxation methods. This is what is required of a man. And you should get used to treating him correctly. If he explodes from problems at work, there is no need to ask him about his affairs again, unless he begins to tell him. If he is too touchy or jealous, you will also have to take proactive measures to prevent an explosion. It's much easier if you have the right method.

Of course, there are also pathological cases of hysteria when none of the above works. But this is already a reason to turn to a psychotherapist or even a psychiatrist. Few people will take such a step, which is understandable: Russian society is not used to solving problems, preferring to simply hide or hush them up... It’s a pity, because uncontrolled hysterical attacks cause a lot of harm to the man himself, and sometimes turn out to be extremely dangerous for a woman.

Are you sure or not?

Parents who, at a loss, cannot find an answer to the question of what to do if their son does not want to work, often turn to a psychologist for help, who is ready to suggest looking for the problem in the peculiarities of the person’s personal awareness. On average, every fifth person on our planet has what is called in psychology an anal vector. Such people can become impeccable professionals in their chosen field, but they lack self-confidence. They often have a fear of starting something new, of exploring a previously unknown area. Such fear prevents the beginning, and as a result, a person cannot develop in principle. Visually, it is similar to a mother hen that does not want to move away from its nest. At any time of the day he can be found on his favorite sofa, repeating his usual actions. Often a person becomes a real master at what he does, but this activity turns out to be completely useless and unnecessary, for example, playing solitaire. By the way, the best masters in solving crossword puzzles are just such individuals.

A person who is unsure of his abilities constantly pretends to be a busy person. If you ask him to do something important, he will immediately find reasons to postpone the action until a later date, and then he will happily forget about the request. By refusing and postponing important events for hours, days and years, people remain in their usual place - and so they cannot find work. It is difficult for the average person to motivate such an insecure person, because neither reproaches nor shouting work. To provoke a person to take active action, he should be persuaded to undergo a course of psychotherapeutic analysis to determine the root cause of his lack of self-confidence. Only after realizing why a person puts everything off can you begin to fight the source.

If he wants to quit – sports, studies, business?

But what if the child first works at the rock stand and then declares his business closed?
What if your child moves away from the counter when customers are crowded around her and becomes irritable or whiny when you remind him to serve customers? What happens when your football player decides he's quitting football, your pianist refuses to study music, and your diligent student decides that his girlfriend is more important than his lessons?

If we need persistence, diligence, effort, and the ability to delay gratification, how do we know how much to push and when to pull back?

Should we allow a four-year-old to close up shop or a fourteen-year-old to abandon his studies? It depends. Part of our job is to provide children with a warm, supportive environment as they struggle with their impulsivity and desire for pleasure on the one hand, and responsibility and diligence on the other.

No one has ever developed a good work ethic if they were insulted or constantly given too much to do. If something isn't working, you need to find out why. Is your boy too young and physically active to sit at a rack of rocks for hours? Is your fourteen-year-old child truly slumped academically, or is he dividing his energy between his studies and his newfound relationships with his peers based on his age?

Assuming that your child is usually an enthusiastic learner, what specific aspect of the activity makes him want to give up? If it's an extracurricular activity and a reasonable amount of effort has been put in, it might just not be the right fit for him. The world is full of opportunities - find ones that match your child's abilities and interests.

If it's a school subject, talk to the teacher. Try to pinpoint the problem before it becomes a "I'm just not good at math" attitude.

Be on your child's side even when you set the bar and make sure he meets it. Tolerate the anger that may be directed at you when you know they can do better, and insist on trying harder. And most importantly, make sure they know that ultimately their success will be determined by their work ethic, not just how smart or talented they are.

But does it make sense?

In a variety of situations, people ask a psychologist for advice. The son does not want to work, some say, because he explains this by the meaninglessness of the process. It is not easy to argue with such conclusions, especially for an ordinary person who is far from the existential questions of existence. As experts rightly agree with people who do not want to work, life is indeed full of difficulties, it requires making efforts, for which there follows a reward, which a person can evaluate as inadequately small in comparison with the efforts expended.

This format of the problem is usually called the sound vector of depression. Often a person is not aware of their depressed state. Feeling his actions devoid of meaning, the person finds himself in a dead-end state of absence of any desires. The awareness is quite painful, so a person tries to hide from it in small things. It is common for such people to get lost in imaginary worlds.

What to do?

An adult tends to be lazy - this is completely normal. This would not even cause condemnation and bewilderment if it were possible to live in laziness without suffering from everyday inconveniences. However, our life is such that only those who are able to develop and try can provide themselves with warmth, food and shelter - in many ways, it is for this reason that a person is born, as some philosophers believe. Life forces even those who do not want to develop to develop, unless such a person endures more suffering than other people.

To help such a person, parents should think about why their son does not want to work. Advice from psychologists will also come in handy. Experts say: there are two options for getting out of the situation. You can take a step forward on your own, you can continue to be a sufferer. The first option is better and comes with additional preferences in the form of public respect and material well-being, but for successful implementation you need to choose the right workplace. A psychologist specializing in a person’s career realization will come to the rescue. Such a professional will first determine what exactly is preventing a person from living actively, conduct a course of psychotherapy, and then help him find a suitable place.

On my own

Sometimes parents don’t even think about what to do in this situation if their son doesn’t want to work. Of course, it is common to think that the normal development of the scenario is when a child “flies out of his native nest”, sets up his own home, and finds a suitable place for himself. If this does not happen, some people worry, while others consider it normal and put up with the fact that their child is different from the majority. The second option, according to psychologists, is incorrect, because a person cannot live under the wing of his parents until his death. It is necessary to teach the child responsibility, independence, and the ability to take responsibility for his actions. Infantilism has become more common in recent years, and is often explained by fear of making a decision. People are simply afraid of responsibility, intimidated by failures in the past.

If an adult son does not want to work, perhaps the reason lies in the immaturity of the person - both in emotional aspects and in terms of awareness of his place in society. Infantilism and inability to take responsibility are common, and very often this is characteristic of those whose demands are quite low. Such people do not see the need for expensive items or accessories; they eat simple food and use public transport, and live in a small room. If the demands are small, a person will not strive for decent earnings. Only by experiencing limitations and having the motivation to overcome them does a person develop. If all needs are satisfied, there is simply no reason to work. If elders provide for their child, regardless of his age, no desire for independence will arise until some need is formed that cannot be satisfied. In order not to encounter such a situation, you need to carefully raise your child, not spoil him beyond measure, and not fulfill the child’s whims, especially as he grows older.

Son (daughter) doesn’t want to work: how to force it, psychologist’s advice to parents

Parents often suffer because they cannot force their son to work. Instead of providing for himself, he prefers to live at the expense of mom and dad. If you have a home and delicious food, then what's the point of going to work? It all starts with this motive.

The task of parents is to understand the reasons for this behavior. Next, you should use all possible methods to cope with the problem of an adult child’s reluctance to work. If the situation is critical, extreme measures will help. If you wish, you can go to a psychologist.

Causes

Often the son does not want to work due to social or emotional immaturity. It seems to him that he is still just a child, and not a grown man. He believes that his mother will always take care of him. When the boy grows up, she will be replaced by a wife who will also feed deliciously, clean and raise the children.

This often happens in 20-year-old guys. Their infantilism is explained by their inability to take responsibility for their actions. They usually live with their parents, not wanting to move to a separate home. They do not invest money in the family budget, but only empty it.

Overprotection

Parents are overprotective of their son from early childhood. They don’t give him an extra step, no room for error. In adolescence, he is unable to make decisions on his own.

And when peers are already beginning to be interested in their future and look for part-time work, the child believes that such events do not concern him. He lives by the rule - until the age of 23, my parents are obliged to provide for me. He believes that everyone around him owes him something.

Forcing a child to work in this case is useless. If he himself does not want it, then it will be difficult to influence his decision.

Low requests

Not all men are born ambitious. Only some manage to acquire this quality as they grow older. But adult sons who do not want to work have low demands. It shows up like this:

the minimum is enough in everything;

there is no need to buy expensive clothes and other things;

purchasing a car and an apartment (house) are an unattainable dream, etc.

Such a guy is unlikely to open his own business. He will have an ordinary job with low wages and poor conditions. A 20-year-old guy will not have a desire for anything more, because his basic needs are satisfied.

If parents provide for it and give everything they need, then there will be no need to look for work at all.

The desire for independence will begin only when he feels dissatisfaction.

Initially, he will try to demand something from his parents. If rejected, he will seriously think about the future and try to find a job.

Diffidence

Develops if the child does not mature in time. It manifests itself as a feeling of helplessness. As a result, the guy will be unable to decide on any global changes and decisive steps.

Leaving everything as is is a bad decision. Action is urgently needed. Due to insecurity, a man not only cannot find a job, he will not be ready to get married.

Any self-respecting girl would want a confident, promising husband, and not one who lies on the couch all day and suffers from idleness.

Failure to plan

There are mothers who, from childhood to adulthood, plan everything for their child, not allowing him to organize his time independently. As a result, he does not possess basic self-organization skills.

Lack of time planning habits turns a young man into a helpless, socially maladapted creature. Having too much free time increases the risk that a guy will become addicted to alcohol, drugs, smoking and a wild lifestyle. But the worst thing is that he will blame his parents for everything, not himself.

Finding yourself

It’s normal if the search for yourself is over by the age of 22. At this age, a guy or girl thinks about what will happen next and how to provide themselves with a decent life.

They can get a job for a year and then go back to being idle. Reasons for this behavior:

reality does not meet expectations;
the work was not enjoyable;
lack of vision of prospects;
desire to try yourself in another field, etc.

Often such young people feel the need to test their own strengths and skills in the creative field. They try to make a living by singing, drawing, writing books, and performing comics. But not everyone succeeds and such an attempt becomes unsuccessful.

The young man begins to look for an excuse. He convinces his parents that he was just unlucky this time, but that everything will work out in the future. If the search for yourself does not stop by the age of 25, you need to have a serious conversation with an adult child and take extreme measures.

Shyness and complexness

An adult is afraid of losing his sense of comfort. He begins to suffer because he fails to achieve goals or lacks the ability to organize his life. Then it is necessary to explain that you need to have patience and work carefully so that all your dreams come true.

It is important that parents help in overcoming shyness. You can sign up your son or daughter for an appointment with a psychologist or special courses. The sooner you do this, the better.

Help

All the psychologist’s advice boils down to the fact that before forcing an adult son to work, it is necessary to have a conversation with him. Find out the reasons:

reluctance to get a job;
prolonged search for oneself;
lack of goals;
demanding behavior.

You need to ask what caused the fear of getting a job. Maybe the son has no work experience, lacks the appropriate education, and is not satisfied with the proposed salary level.

The worst thing is if the reason is ordinary laziness.

It is problematic, sometimes impossible, to force an already formed personality to change anything about itself. This will happen if he himself shows a desire to become better and engage in self-development.

Talk about the future

Ask your child to share his plans. Infantile children often need advice. Ask about interests and how your adult son plans to make a living.

Give arguments for and against the options voiced. It is very important to help the child understand what he really wants and how this can be achieved.

Don't give money

It is necessary to explain that the son is already very old and the parents are not able to cover his expenses. For some adult sons, such a remark is enough. As a result, he can look for work in his profession or go to any other suitable position. But the main thing is that the parents influenced the child and he decided to do something useful.

If after the conversation the situation worsens and your son does not make contact, stop giving him money.

Let him independently look for funds to satisfy his needs. At first, the son will be offended, indignant and demand something. The main thing is for parents to overcome themselves and ignore this behavior of the child. The path to independence is never easy.

Few people are happy with the prospect of becoming homeless. As a result, the son will have to do something and get a job. What it will be (prestigious or not) depends only on him. When he realizes that being financially independent is very nice, he will thank his parents. Soon changes may also happen in your personal life.

Include in the common life of the family

Try to clearly delineate areas of responsibility - in what the son, as an adult, is responsible for himself, and in what the mother sees responsibility for his life. An excellent solution is to agree with your son that he will take on a certain part of the household chores. You definitely need to show your confidence in the successful performance of your duties.

This can be organized like this:

offer to choose the number of responsibilities yourself;
independently determine which areas of work will be under the control of the son, and simply present him with a fait accompli;
half of the responsibilities are chosen by the parent, half by the son.

Take a principled stand. If the son continues to live with his parents, let him follow the general rules. Only these rules must be clearly formulated.

Gradually, the son will learn to be responsible and will not want to live with his parents. He will see that he is ready for an independent life.

Engage motivation

Motivation is what makes a person move forward towards success. It often affects personality development and the speed of achieving goals. Usually, adult sons who do not work do not have it. Therefore, the task of parents is to help in acquiring it.

You can show your son an example of two people - a successful, rich person and an unhappy, poor one. Explain that the future directly depends on having a job and the desire to develop.

If possible, you can demonstrate by example that your goals and desires are achievable. But for this you need to work, and not sit back.

The next step is to teach you how to achieve your goals. To do this, show:

how to set realistic, achievable goals;
how to develop a plan;
how to determine how much time is needed to achieve a dream;
how to find funds for implementation;
what actions will help speed up the process.

After such a conversation, offer your son a simple task consisting of many processes. If successful, praise. You can arrange a holiday for the whole family. It is important that the praise be sincere.

This simple method will show an adult child that gradually any goal can be achieved. The main thing is to work hard.

Chat with friends

Having an adult and unemployed son is a disgrace and shame for every parent. If the situation is critical and no reproaches or requests have helped, you can turn to your son’s friends for help. Important note - they must have a job. It’s great if they develop themselves and have success in their personal lives.

This method works effectively. The son communicates with a peer, sees what he has achieved, and wants to try to become just as successful. This method is called negative motivation in psychology. If a guy has normal self-esteem and is not complex, then such a conversation can become a motivation to start working. Otherwise, it will aggravate the situation and become a reason for depression.

Treatment with a psychologist

If the parents themselves could not persuade their son to go to work, the help of a family psychologist is needed. The most effective technique is cognitive behavioral therapy. Its goal is to change the patient’s type of thinking and behavior pattern.

The first lesson takes place in the form of a conversation. The psychologist invites the patient to share thoughts about the following:

why any mention of work causes fear, horror and stress;
why I don't want to work;
what will happen if I get a job;
what will happen if my parents stop supporting me;
what are my goals;
what I expect to receive in the future, etc.

Often adult children who do not want to work do not think about it. They live for today. Therefore, such thoughts can cause an unexpected reaction - aggression, hysteria, manifestations of mental disorder. The psychologist’s task is to establish contact and get answers to your queries.

The doctor may use a situational approach. Invite the young man to imagine a situation and explain what actions he will take. A psychologist will analyze this, share the arguments for and against, and advise what is best to do in this case.

When contact with the patient is established and he is ready to work on himself, he is asked to keep a success diary.

You need to make notes in it every day. Their number is at least 5. It is worth recording your successes on the way to achieving your goal and thanking the people who made the day colorful and good. This will help you see that the guy is moving in the right direction and will teach you to appreciate the help of your parents.

The patient is encouraged to use affirmations. These are positive statements whose purpose is to motivate a person to succeed. They must be said during difficult periods in order to believe in yourself and your strength.

An important part of treatment is doing homework. They allow you to consolidate the material discussed in individual sessions.

Examples of homework:

watching inspiring films;
reading stories of successful people and companies;
attending events where the main speaker will be a famous person;
working with a recruiter to create a “selling” resume and successfully pass an interview for the desired vacancy;
taking self-development courses, etc.

As a result of successful completion of cognitive behavioral therapy, a young adult will find the strength to develop and get a job. Negative attitudes will be replaced by positive ones. Instead of a lazy and dependent son, there will be a confident, working young man.

Conclusion

There are adult sons who cannot be forced to work. They find many reasons for this - lack of good work, insufficient experience and knowledge, poor pay. But usually the main motive is laziness.

The first thing to do is to create an unfavorable living environment. Stop giving your adult child money and food. Make sure that his needs are not met with the help of his parents. You can take other advice from psychologists or make an appointment with a specialist.

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What I can?

If an adult son does not want to work, this may be due to a feeling of helplessness. When by a certain age a person does not feel like an adult, no one from the outside can help him. If a person does not have the strength to do something new, to further change his personality, he suffers from uncertainty. This makes the situation even worse. Uncertainty is followed by other problems and difficulties.

For some, however, failures with work and the inability to force themselves to find one are due to shyness. Numerous fears that trouble a person do not allow him to start something new. People exposed to such experiences suffer inside and need advice and guidance from those more experienced. If a person does not want to fight problems just because of shyness, by realizing the reason, you can overcome it. If you fail to start doing this in time, the situation will worsen over time.

The best way to combat infantilism is to prevent the appearance of such a trait. If it was not possible to prevent the situation, you need to fight it as early as you can start. A person who fails to overcome difficulties in time will retreat in the face of difficult situations in the future. It is the parents of such people who most often turn to professionals for help, because their adult son does not want to work. The psychologist’s advice is to communicate more with the child, talk, provoke dialogue, so that he shares his experiences. Parents should gently explain to their growing child why it is important to be independent. Reproaches will not help - the son needs practical advice that can be applied in practice.

Basic Prerequisites

Since discussions on the topic of why mothers do not love their daughters, but love their sons, as well as situations in which a mother does not love any child in principle, are literally endless, a book devoted to this issue was published.
Its authors tried to systematize the most common cases and situations, and on their basis identified four main causes of the phenomenon. Finding out why a mother loves her son more than her daughter, psychologists have found that most often the reason is related to the relationship between parents. The woman does not love the man she has chosen, but she does not want to leave him or is afraid, and she takes out the bad mood and the evil associated with this on the child. She can beat her child from an early age, it is unlikely that she will ever pamper him, much less appreciate him properly. For her, the child is just the embodiment of that hated man who entered her life. This often happens when a marriage is concluded due to a woman’s unplanned pregnancy.

Psychologists urge: you should not become the wife of someone who does not inspire respect and love. All family members will suffer from such a situation, and no one will benefit. As Khayyam wrote in his unforgettable works, being alone is incomparably better than being with someone random and inappropriate.

What I need?

If an adult son does not want to work, experienced psychologists can tell him what to do after talking with the person. For some, the reason is an unsuccessful search for themselves, defining their goals and aspirations. More often, people experience such a period in adolescence, youth, but not everyone experiences this according to a pattern and strictly on time. When a person identifies a need to do something, he strives to free himself from his parents and gain independence. If he fails to find something of his own, the boy grows up quite amorphous, lives with his parents, shows no interest in life, and does not want to work.

In some cases, the reason for everything is the need to find a suitable type of creativity or an activity that will interest him. It also happens: a man knows what his abilities are, what interests him, but does not see ways to realize it. Remembering previous failures, such a man continues to remain in one place, justifying himself with bad luck.

The fear of being in an uncomfortable situation is a common fear among children, which some remain with for many years. Usually they are unusual for adults, but in case of lack of independence they accompany every step. Just the advice of a psychologist will not help in such a situation. If a 30-year-old son does not want to work, you need to take him to an appointment with a specialist so that he can help in conversations (probably many of them will be required) to identify what exactly does not allow the person to find and realize himself. Only concrete actions, decisive steps will help change the situation.

Treatment with a psychologist

The first lesson takes place in the form of a conversation. The psychologist invites the patient to share thoughts about the following:

why any mention of work causes fear, horror and stress;
why I don't want to work;
what will happen if I get a job;
what will happen if my parents stop supporting me;
what are my goals;
what I expect to receive in the future, etc.

When contact with the patient is established and he is ready to work on himself, he is asked to keep a success diary.

An important part of treatment is doing homework. They allow you to consolidate the material discussed in individual sessions.

Examples of homework:

watching inspiring films;
reading stories of successful people and companies;
attending events where the main speaker will be a famous person;
working with a recruiter to create a “selling” resume and successfully pass an interview for the desired vacancy;
taking self-development courses, etc.

All according to plan

In special publications you can find many recommendations from psychologists related to motivation and work with older children - all this information can become valuable advice. The son does not want to work - a problem that many parents face, and in a certain percentage of cases this is due to the difficulty of planning adult life. Sometimes, growing up, a person never acquires the simplest skills of independence. He does not learn to do useful things, cannot and does not try to provide for himself. No matter how strict the parents are, they cannot throw their child out into the street, so it is simply impossible to force the child to become ordinary. The reason for this behavior is the inability to plan one’s actions. If a mature child has not developed the habit of keeping track of his affairs and monitoring their implementation, he becomes weak-willed, helpless, and cannot exist in society.

To cope with such a situation, you should listen to the advice of a psychologist who is ready to tell you what to do. An adult son does not want to work - yes, this problem occurs in many people, but this does not mean that you can close your eyes to it and indulge your child in every possible way. If parents behave this way, they will have to endure their offspring around their necks for the rest of their lives. Instead, it is necessary to conduct a series of educational conversations in order to determine why the son, who has become a man, has not mastered the ability to plan his affairs and control what is happening in life. Parents should help their child reach a new level in this regard. If you do not show vigilance and attentiveness, soon the child will not only be completely dependent on his elders, but will also begin to get involved in bad habits, which only get stronger from year to year.

How to get your son to work

You will need

— computer with Internet access;
— newspapers with vacancy announcements;
- pen or pencil;
- telephone.

Instructions

Help your son make a professional decision. Let work become a way for him to express himself, self-realize and develop his own talents. If it is difficult to find a position strictly in the specialty that your son received as a result of studying at a special or higher institution, perhaps there is some related field in which he will succeed.

Explain to your son that work is not only a way to earn money, but also an opportunity to prove to yourself and others your intelligence, intelligence and enterprise. If your child realizes that work helps to develop, and idleness is a path to personality degradation, but he begins to look for vacancies.

Teach your son that money is not something to take for granted. The sooner he knows the price of things, the more he will realize the value of work. Give your guy an incentive: give him a couple of tempting ideas where he can spend the money he earned with his own hard work. Focus on your son's interests, remember what purchases or travels he talked about.

Encourage your son to become independent. If your child is already very old, but he has retained his infantilism and prefers to live at the expense of his parents, perhaps you should open the door to adulthood for him. As long as he feels the financial support of his mom and dad, his lifestyle will not change. Maybe your son needs to start living on his own. Then, naturally, he will be forced to provide for himself and go to work. Stop giving your son money for pocket money, clothes and entertainment. You don't need to be overly protective of your son. Perhaps you simply spoiled him with excessive attention and excessive care. Try to be tougher with your older child, become an adamant parent who will not tolerate an adult, healthy dependent in the house. Let your son realize all the responsibility that he bears for his life and his actions or, conversely, inaction.

Help your son find a job. Perhaps you have friends or acquaintances who have a suitable vacancy for him. Create a resume with your son, look through advertisements in newspapers or on Internet sites, select several vacancies and send your son for an interview.

Sources:

www.kakprosto.ru

How to start?

If the son does not work anywhere and does not want to do this in principle, it is unlikely that he will be forced to do so, and even if he succeeds, he will not be able to hold out in his chosen place for long and will be unhappy. An integral person has every right to manage his life based on his own wishes and discretion. If you try to forcefully influence a child, he will resist, get angry, and protest. However, parents who want to change the situation for the better must choose a line of behavior and strictly adhere to it, despite the dissatisfaction of the offspring, otherwise everything will return to the same way.

The hardest thing for many is starting a conversation. People often simply do not understand how to approach the issue. Psychologists recommend raising the topic of the future. The task of the older generation is to force the child to share dreams, plans, thoughts about the future life. There is no need to start with accusations - it is important to listen to the child and give him the opportunity to explain his position. If a child tries to hide something, it will become noticeable. If you help him plan the future, it will be easier for generations to establish mutually beneficial contact. If previous quarrels have become an insurmountable obstacle and the son does not want to speak frankly, you need to seek help from a psychologist.

First business at 4 years old

It would seem that defining the right attitude towards work (good work ethic) is the prerogative of books about business. This is strange, since our children's attitude towards work begins to form long before kindergarten.

When my eldest son, Lauren, was four years old, he first started his own business. In the USA, there is a tradition: from an early age, children sell homemade lemonade or some other things they have made themselves in front of their houses. In this way, they are introduced to work and gain the first experience of running a business in their lives.

Selling stones outside the fence of our house seemed a completely natural thing to him, since the lawn in front of the house consisted exclusively of stones. Like the classic lemonade stand, Lauren's rock stand taught him the basics of a good work ethic.

He has noticed that people buy more stones when he is talkative and shows how passionate he is about his product. He handled money carefully and thanked people for buying, and if they didn’t buy, for their interest.

Did he do all this on his own? Of course not. Although the idea for the rock rack was his, at age four he needed help with arithmetic, signage, and the intricacies of social interaction.

Start early, stay focused on the process, and don't overestimate the end results. The twenty-four dollars he made that summer was the best teaching deal he could come up with.

Decision is made

Dedicated to the fact that the son does not want to work, scandals are a fairly typical occurrence in families with such trouble. One option to solve the problem is to limit the content. Not every parent has the opportunity and resources to contact a psychologist, not everyone has the time to study special articles and books, so people take the simplest route - they limit the funding of their child, thereby stimulating him to take some active actions. Wanting to eat deliciously and pay for his entertainment, even if his son at 23 does not want to work, he is still forced to look for some place.

A correctly made decision is where independent life begins. If a son at the age of 18 does not want to work, and his parents take extreme measures and limit his support, the child will probably become angry. It is quite possible that the child will be offended, and unpleasant, conflicting scenes will begin at home. After several years, when the son understands the benefits and benefits for himself personally, he will probably apologize and thank him. Psychologists point out that this will not happen soon, there is no point in rushing things. The sooner awareness comes, the better, but it all depends on the individual. If a son at the age of 21 does not want to work, perhaps his resentment for the rigid line of behavior of his parents will pass only by the age of thirty, but the result is worth it. The most important thing is to correctly explain to the child what provokes parents to such actions. By conveying their position to the child tactfully, in detail, clearly, without reproaches or accusations, the elders will thereby simplify life for themselves and their offspring.

How to teach a child to work?

Show your enthusiasm for doing some hard work by example Some parents are so overworked that their children think that any hard work entails stress and fatigue. Who would want to join this club? Let your child know that working hard gives you a sense of accomplishment and pride. Not all the time, but often enough to see the meaning in hard work.
Make sure the amount of work your child is required to do is reasonable. If the task is time-consuming and no amount of effort will help him complete it, then there will be no benefit from the effort expended. Many children shed tears while sitting for hours on homework that is completely impossible in either content or scope. Talk to your child's teachers if his homework seems overwhelming

In Russia, SanPiN establishes regulatory requirements for the time for completing the total amount of homework in all subjects on the next school day. The volume of tasks should be such that the time required to complete it does not exceed (in astronomical hours):

in second - third grades - 1.5 hours,

in fourth - fifth grades - 2 hours,

in sixth - eighth grades - 2.5 hours,

in ninth - eleventh grades - up to 3.5 hours.

Be sure to look at other components of a good work ethic, such as integrity or the ability to communicate and collaborate. Often, children with good social skills are considered simply popular, and parents implore them to socialize less and study more. But these same children, as a rule, are excellent at collaborating and have excellent communication skills. They will certainly be in demand as workers.
Pay attention to what solutions work well for your child. Let him know that many skills can be transferred from one activity to another. “I noticed that you go to your room and turn on music when you need to concentrate on difficult math problems. Maybe you should try the same thing with the Spanish verbs you're having trouble with?

Summing up

When finding out why their son does not want to work, parents should be both strict and attentive. It must be remembered that most often the reason is that the child gets everything he needs from his elders, so he simply has no motivation. In such a situation, drastic measures are necessary. But if the reason is shyness, uncertainty or fear, a more thorough and gentle approach is required. It is better to use the help of a professional, but if this is not possible, you should spend a lot of time communicating with your child in order to help him overcome difficulties. One of the basic rules is to avoid reproaches and accusations, otherwise it will be very difficult to improve relations with your son.

What not to do

Don't expect all your children to try the same amount. Intensity and persistence of effort are properties of temperament, so they are different for each child. The right attitude towards work consists of many components. Focus on developing those that are easier for your child.
Don't worry that your child will get angry at you when you discipline him. Do not humiliate or use harsh, arbitrary punishments under any circumstances. But keep in mind that your ability to discipline your child will ensure that he learns self-discipline. Children are not born with a programmed understanding of rules and regulations. Your love helps children strengthen their bond with you; your discipline helps them manage themselves.
Don't insist on your child's best efforts in absolutely everything. For some reason, we have come to think that children must be good at many things, even though most people in the world are really good at one thing and not particularly good at other things. Focus on the things that matter most to both you and your baby.