17 tips from a psychologist on how to forget a loved one whom you love, but he doesn’t love you

This is a continuation of the previous article about an unfinished separation.
Here we will talk about how to break off relationships and how to forget the past. Psychological techniques and exercises are presented to help get rid of mental pain and painful suffering.

Greetings,

Dear readers and guests of my blog!

In the last article, we determined that unfinished relationships lead to very serious consequences.

First, there is the pain and suffering that rejection and betrayal cause.

Secondly, there are difficulties in establishing new contacts and acquaintances.

This is because His/Her image intrusively invades new relationships and constantly spoils them with regular quarrels and conflicts.

It is obvious that at such moments a person is tormented by one single question: how to put an end to the past and everything connected with the relationship that brought pain?

Let's find the answer to this question!

But first...

Attention!!!

The main problem is that...

…it is impossible to forget the pain and suffering of the past without painful consequences and internal conflicts.

It is impossible to “forget”!

Sounds strange, doesn't it? But let's figure out what this means.

In fact, there is a confusion of words here.

Remember how you consoled your boyfriend or girlfriend who had just broken up with his significant other.

The most catchphrases: “Forget all this! Never mind! Don't cheat yourself! Start a new life! Fight fire with fire! Take a vacation and have a good rest!..”, etc. and so on.

Do you think it helps? No, not a bit. Why is this so?

The answer is simple: the advice to “forget, don’t take it into your head and don’t overthink it” is simply fundamentally wrong, because it ignores the key laws of psychology.

But all other advice is not timely, and at an early stage, the experience of separation only irritates and can easily drive the problem inside.

But let's take it in order...

Regarding advice

"Forget! Get it out of your head!”

Many who have experienced and are experiencing a breakup in a relationship sincerely believe that “getting over it” means forgetting everything that happened in the past.

But this is not true at all.

“Forgetting” means suppressing, putting away deep inside, isolating all experiences, thoughts, feelings and emotions related to the breakup.

In this case, while suffering, we do not let our feelings and experiences out, we suppress them, strive to drive them as deep as possible, forget about them and not notice them at all.

And this further increases the suffering.

Therefore, the only and adequate way to get rid of pain is
this is not to suppress it, but to survive it

A person suffering from a breakup should not forget and get out of his head, but experience this suffering.

Don't play the strong man. Don't suppress emotions and feelings. They are not a weakness - they are a cry from the soul. And she needs to be allowed to scream.

You will learn about what “worrying” is and how to do it by reading this article to the end.

Regarding advice

“Take a vacation and relax!

Fight fire with fire! Take care of yourself! Go to the gym! And so on."

The advice is good, but it only works at the late stage of the experience of separation, when the process of this very experience is already over or is coming to an end.

So, …

Cut a person out of life as if he no longer exists

As soon as you have a breakup, you should immediately cut the person out of your life.
It's all over, accept it.

The psychologist’s first advice on how to forget a loved one forever will be exactly this. Your past reality does not exist.

Your ex relationship is dead, the person is dead . Start looking at it this way now.

Let go of the past completely.

It’s like you’re being reborn again and starting with a clean slate.

New world, new people.

Do you dream of becoming the person you were during the relationship?

Very often, we miss not the partner himself, but the time spent with him - the character traits that the former relationship may have awakened in us. So many people idealize school or college love: it came at a time when everyone was young, carefree and full of energy, and therefore seems so beautiful. If you just imagine that after some time you will get together with your ex-lover, you yourself will notice that this time everything is different - there is no that lightness and butterflies in the stomach. Everyone tends to change.

Remove from life all psychological anchors that evoke memories of your former passion.

What anchors need to be removed from life in detail:

common music that you spent time listening to together;
gifts (either hide in the basement or give to friends);
do not go to those locations and places where you had cool dates together before;
any forgotten things: be it clothes or a lens from a former passion that was not thrown away earlier (it’s time to throw it away);
delete shared photos and videos on your computer, phone and other media.

Follow these steps, and you will get rid of restless thoughts about how to forget the person you love, but he doesn’t love you, without any conspiracies and other nonsense.

How to let go of someone you love

Parting with a person close to your heart, with whom you have had a long-term, warm relationship, can become a true bolt from the blue.
Over the period they spent together, lovers become family. Despite everything, parting must be met as calmly as possible and not allow negative emotions to ruin all the good things. You need to work on yourself and leave the past far behind.

What does it mean to “let a person go”?

This phrase does not in all cases mean falling out of love or erasing from memory. This usually involves:

The ability to live taking into account one’s own feelings and emotions;
Stop tracking the personal life of your ex;
The desire to sincerely enjoy life;
Getting rid of anger in the soul;
Lack of thirst for revenge;
Readiness to meet true love;
The ability to learn from your mistakes.

There is no need to keep a person around you who does not reciprocate. It won't make anyone happy and it will exhaust both of them. Having understood for yourself that love must be mutual, there is no point in resisting; in this case, no matter how difficult it may be, it will be better to let go of your loved one.

How to let go correctly

First, it makes sense to meet with your lover and discuss all the details of the upcoming breakup.
If a loved one leaves for a new love, then the wisest decision would be to wish him happiness and say goodbye. In theory, of course, it looks very easy. But in reality everything turns out to be quite difficult. The only thing that needs to be done at the initial stage is to distract yourself from thoughts related to the separation. A mutual decision to break up is the best option. Passion and love faded away as the lovers slowly got to know each other. The desire to become the best for the beloved has disappeared. The relationship became routine and burdensome. Monotony and excessive speed are to blame for everything. We need to try to remember all the good things that happened that brought them both joy.

If resuming the relationship is not possible, then the imminent decision to end the relationship will not cause anyone much pain, but it is necessary to maintain a respectful attitude and your dignity. Break up calmly, without hysterics or scandal, leaving behind good memories of yourself and your past relationships.

How to behave after a breakup

Something needs to be done.
Energetic activities in most cases save a person in moments of imaginary hopelessness. Work makes it possible to focus your attention on the implementation of direct responsibilities, distraction from love experiences with work, and does not give time for anxiety and sadness, at least for a short period of time. A substitute can be study, an interesting hobby. You should try to avoid loneliness at least for the first time after a breakup. The desire to be alone with yourself and reflect on what happened is quite logical and understandable. All the consolations and words of others at such moments seem empty and meaningless, and the desire to help is mistaken for unnecessary pity. Nevertheless, it is better to be among people: constant communication will also provide an opportunity to escape from sad thoughts at least for a while.

Dankina Nadezhda · 20 Dec, 2020

Don't fall into his perception: don't think about what his head is doing

Don’t fall into other people’s perceptions and don’t think about what’s on your ex-partner’s mind!

Otherwise you will fall into the pain of loss.

Do not be interested in the life of your past partner and do not fall into other people's perceptions. What does this mean in detail :

You should not care what kind of relationship your ex-partner is in or who he is with now.
It doesn't matter whether your ex is suffering or not. At the moment, only your well-being is important.
Don’t hang around or stick to your ex’s social media page. Finding out that he is doing better will not make you feel any better.
You feel neither better nor worse when hearing rumors or some news about a past person. Absolute and complete indifference!

Implement this principle and no longer need advice from a psychologist on how to forget a person with whom you will never be together.

You idealize the past

After a certain time after a breakup, most people experience amnesia: all the bad things fade into the background, and only bright, happy moments remain in the memory. But you need to be realistic and not lie to yourself: if everything in your life was so cloudless, your passion would hardly have become an ex. Parting occurs not due to minor disagreements, but due to the fact that two people are simply not suitable for each other. This cannot be changed, so accept everything as it is and move on.

Don't blame yourself for the fact that you will never be together again

In such cases, a person's focus can only be occupied by negativity, and it is a mistake to make only oneself the culprit.

Otherwise, negative energy will accumulate in you.

It is not your fault! What happened happened.

No need to scold yourself!

A fine line to keep in mind.

It’s cool that you look for your mistakes, analyze your behavior so as not to repeat your mistakes. BUT: find these mistakes and don’t attack or blame yourself!
Find mistakes for yourself so as not to repeat them in other new relationships, and not to go back to your previous partner!

You find your mistakes so as not to repeat them with a new partner and never step on the same rake again.

Remember this, and you no longer need to look for answers to questions from psychology about how to forget the person you love quickly and in a short time.

You continue to communicate

You may be dwelling on the past if you continue to communicate with your ex (especially if the relationship was toxic). No one forbids you to remain friends, but if you were not the initiator of the breakup, and the feelings are still alive, such a continuation will be sheer torment. Every time, instead of moving on, you open up fresh wounds and feed emotional dependence. All this applies to daily correspondence. What to do? Set boundaries and keep contact to a minimum.

We learn new insights and lessons so as not to step on the same rake again

Lessons are learned through analysis.

Analysis is done with pen and paper, asking yourself as many questions as possible and answering them in writing.

The more questions, the better.

Example.

Who is to blame for the fact that you initially chose the wrong partner? Answer: myself!
Why did this happen, how did you allow this to happen? Answer: I had no personal boundaries, I had little idea of the person I wanted to see next to me.
What kind of person do I want to see next to me, what do I allow and what do I not allow in a relationship? The answer indicates the exact characteristics of personality, not appearance.
What have I learned and learned from past relationships?
What mistakes should I not make again with another partner?

Be as sincere as possible with yourself when you write your answers to these questions.

This way, you will solve your problems yourself and there will be no need for advice from a psychologist on how to quickly forget your loved one and start a new life.

Do you regret something you (not-)did?

“Yes, here it was necessary to be more patient, here - to remain silent, here - to support. Perhaps then everything would have turned out differently.” You constantly think about things done and undone, and with a high degree of probability you blame yourself for everything. You may have made mistakes in your relationship, and perhaps you need to learn from them. But you shouldn’t think about your failures non-stop, repeatedly going through all the options. Once you have decided where you really were wrong, forget about everything: endless self-flagellation will only worsen the situation - you will remember your past relationship again and again.

Don't be lonely: know that you always have an abundance of choice

You must have faith that you will have another person with even more emotional connection and chemistry. Know that you always have an abundance of choice. You can always find a soul mate.

There is no need to look at this as an everyday duty and a need to get a new partner as soon as possible.

Just understand that it is stupid to hold in your head what is no longer there until your death.

Accept change and don't resist it.

Any breakup you experience is a time of powerful growth for you.

Remember this and don’t worry anymore about how to forget the person you still like.

What to do if you can’t forget your ex-partner for a long time

And I immediately want to ask, what have you already done to forget? What did you try to do? Which methods did not help?

And here, upon a detailed analysis of the situation, it most often turns out: nothing. On the contrary, a person supports these feelings in every possible way, feels sorry for himself, builds illusions that he is remembered and expected there (they are simply afraid to write), “revels” in his emotions and memories.

And sometimes he’s even “friends” with his ex-partner, or congratulates him on his birthday and New Year (what’s wrong with that?), or spies on social networks, or calls, or something else... How can we forget, it’s clear that it doesn’t work out . And it won’t work if everything is left as it is.

Sometimes painful memories can even cause anger, frustration, feelings of powerlessness and emptiness.

In the article about tears, I talked about the futility of relying entirely on time and the fact that everything will pass and be forgotten. No, this itself, if it doesn’t go away quickly, then it won’t go away.

I repeat: your active participation is needed here. When there is external inaction, you need to use your willpower to shift your attention and not think about the object that is causing you pain, not to remember anything about it (neither good nor bad). But this is only necessary if you want to stop suffering.

If you can't stop suffering after a breakup

Perhaps you need this suffering for something. It may also well turn out that you like this painful state. And if you like (or find it useful what is happening) - just continue to do what you are doing. But then please realize that suffering is your choice and take responsibility for this choice. This will take away your desire to complain and whine. You feel bad because you yourself chose to behave in a way that made you feel bad. After all, no one forces you, doesn’t handcuff you to a radiator, doesn’t show films about your departed partner day and night, and doesn’t force you to talk about him or remember him. You do it yourself. Voluntarily. But not yet consciously. Now I hope you realize what is happening.

How to let go of thoughts about someone you can't forget

You need to understand that returning to memories of a broken relationship (no matter: good or bad) only harms you and does not in any way contribute to letting go of the person (moreover, it does not even contribute to the return of this person to the relationship!).

Our brain is designed in such a way that it thinks about what our attention is directed to at the moment. And attention is like the beam of a flashlight or spotlight, it illuminates only one area.

Therefore, you can think or remember only one thing, one object at a particular moment. This is exactly how it is and no other way. Ask any neurophysiologist or neuropsychologist.

Therefore, the solution is obvious; you need to direct the beam of your attention to another object. Yes, on purpose, by force of will, through “I can’t.” And more often, even through “I don’t want.”

How obsessive thoughts arise (mechanism)

“Objects” in the brain are represented by a cluster of specialized neurons and neural connections between these groups. These connections are similar to threads, flagella, hairs and ropes (variing in thickness).

When we meet an object for the first time, a thin hair (engram) is formed; with repeated mentions of the object (or any interactions with it, memories, conversations, in general, about everything related to a person), the hair becomes thicker and thicker.

Imagine how thick the ropes you have formed next to the object of your desire (ex-partner) if you constantly think about him. At the everyday level, it feels like obsessive thoughts and constant memories, when absolutely everything reminds you of your partner.

You yourself do not allow yourself to forget about this person, constantly making the ropes thicker and thicker, stronger and stronger.

In addition, “trying” to forget something, you involuntarily pay increased attention to this object and again strengthen its position in your head, thereby losing valuable resources on something that, in fact, harms and interferes with you.

What to do to get rid of constant thoughts about a person

Strong neural connections that have been formed during a relationship with a person do not disappear on their own. That is why the possibility of restoring relations remains. But this is exactly why it is so difficult to simply get a once important person out of your head. And the more important it was for you, the more difficult it is to do this.

But the plus is that connections that do not fall under the “light of a lantern” for a long time become thinner and may even be erased over time (this is a long process, but quite real). So all that is needed is: do not pay attention or think about the object. Believe me, this is enough and it will really make your life easier.

Laws of small group dynamics. About “energy channels” between people

Quite often in esoteric and near-psychological literature there are references to the movement of energy through invisible “channels” between people. These “energy channels” are nothing more than persistent neural connections in your head. Attachment. If the relationship has been long, it’s not just you who has such connections. Therefore, we are talking about a mutual phenomenon. The “movement of energy” in this process is nothing more than directed attention.

If we consider this process from the point of view of the laws operating in relationships between people, then we can understand the obvious harm from memories of relationships for these very relationships (both for those that do not have the prospect of restoration, and for those that do).

Social psychology says: as long as at least one of the participants thinks about the group and is included in it, the “group” (your couple) exists. The group takes your energy (attention). If your partner has forgotten about you and let the situation go, then he does not support the existence of the group. Understand that the departed partner does not direct attention in your direction, which means he is not involved in transferring energy to maintain the group. And for the group to exist, energy and resources are needed (usually both partners provide them). But if there is no relationship, then the partner does not support this group, and since he does not do this, but the group exists, then you will have to support it energetically unilaterally, which will require twice as much energy and resources (attention, effort, time, money, thoughts).

That is, while your partner sometimes remembers you, you both simply support the existence of the group. But if he stops thinking about you and your relationship, then maintaining this connection requires more energy, which is taken from you. This is your attention, thoughts, good mood, health, strength to work, desire to communicate with your child, inspiration for creativity, desire to live. You voluntarily (but often unconsciously) give it all there, in the hope of later receiving dividends and returning what was lost. But this is a mistake. No one can give guarantees that everything will be fine, even if everything goes well initially. And if the relationship is destroyed, you simply throw away your vitality (life energy), give it to the “enemy” who left you, abandoned you.

But a person without energy, devastated, is of no interest to anyone, he cannot give anything, therefore no one needs him. Even to myself. Remember this.

What happens if you constantly think about a person

No magic, unfortunately (although, rather, fortunately).

But someone is still under the illusion that “if you think about a person, he feels it, he also begins to think, get bored, remember, hiccup, etc.” It seems to many that thoughts are material and can somehow influence reality. It is not true. Thoughts are just thoughts. They in no way model either yours or, what is especially important to understand, someone else’s reality.

It may seem to you that your partner feels good about your memories-investments, that your thoughts support him in life, that your energy (attention) directed in his direction is felt by him as success in business, support from Higher powers, luck, cheerfulness, good mood.

This is an illusion of perception based on your serious condition and comparison with the condition of your ex-partner. You direct all your attention to him, that’s why you feel so bad, but he directs all his attention to himself, that’s why he feels so good. It only seems to you that he is using your energy, but in fact he is using his own energy. You just don't use yours. That is why things always go uphill for the person who abandoned them after a breakup, while the person abandoned feels a loss of strength and loses the desire to live.

Your life is doomed to be gray and joyless while you give all your energy and even more than you have, remembering your partner again and again. If you don’t give it to your partner, it’s impossible to give it to a person. You are wasting it.

But stop! This energy, these resources (the same myelin that you use to strengthen the engrams in the brain) are going the wrong way. They need to be spent on yourself, and nothing more. This is salvation after a breakup and a panacea for getting rid of obsessive thoughts.

Specific actions that will help you get rid of memories and thoughts about non-existent relationships:

Make sure that the memories tormenting you are not the voice of conscience (if you acted frankly badly towards a person, then this is a feeling of guilt, not memories. And all these methods are not for you, they will not help you). With an objective feeling of guilt - seek forgiveness from the victim (with apologies and compensation).
Remove everything that may remind you (correspondence, photos, letters, postcards, gifts, clothes, objects, dishes). When the connections in the brain weaken and persistent associations cease, it will be possible to return, but believe me, you won’t want to.
When a memory appears, switch your attention (it doesn’t matter what you’re distracted by, the main thing is immediately)
Start learning something new (language, science, second education, applied arts, anything where you need to think and keep your head occupied)
Engage in activities that require constant attention: caring for a sick animal or person, editing texts, dangerous activities (driving, working on a machine, extreme sports)
Avoid films, books and songs with a romantic plot (something will still respond). Leave only adventure, science, sci-fi, horror, comedy, action. In general, everything that has little to do with reality and relationships, especially dramatic relationships.
Work hard and well (take on more work or do the same work better)
In the company of a specialist, carry out desensitization of particularly significant moments of the relationship (CBT technique); cognitive behavioral therapy tools are of great help in overcoming obsessive thoughts.
In especially severe cases, you can use special techniques to erase or rewrite memories (this is not a magic pill, it will still require effort from you, this method is needed for those who cannot, by force of will, transfer their attention to another object). This method is available only for working with a specialist and only for those who have not done any bad or vile acts towards their ex-partner (do not have a feeling of guilt).

How to understand that the goal has been achieved and the person has been “let go” from your head

You won’t want to read or think anything else. Thoughts will be rare, and when they appear, they will surprise you, there will be a feeling of “finally”, a feeling of freedom.

The only thing I would like to warn everyone who has managed to successfully get rid of unwanted thoughts about a person is from testing themselves. From correspondence, calls and meetings in order to make sure “is it true that everything has already gone through for me.”

What passes with so much effort and time comes back extremely easily.

Take care of yourself! Speedy release!

Don't blame your old partner and don't hold a grudge against him, remove your bitterness

Some people like to continue texting their exes even a year after a breakup or calling them from time to time.

People hold onto anger and negativity from past relationships, which then manifest themselves and have an effect in the next relationship. Having the same type of thinking in a new relationship, all the old mistakes will be repeated again.

Don't get caught in this vicious, repeating circle.

A fine line. Instead of becoming angry with your partner, it is better to deeply thank him for what happened!

Through hatred, you yourself will maintain an energetic connection with your former lover, cling to him and why in vain give energy to negative thoughts. Do you need it?

We also talk about this in an article on how to protect yourself from energy vampires.

You can easily fall into such hatred. Get rid of it, and thereby remove the worries about how to forget the person who hurt you once.

What will help:

Emotions out. Don't suppress your feelings, swallow your tears or put on a smile. Now you must “suffer” through all the experiences and cry all the tears. This will allow you to release the negativity hidden inside and truly let go of past relationships.
Creation. Read poems and novels that will resonate with understanding in your soul. Let the stories of the main characters of the films pass through you. Draw or write yourself: pour out your gnawing thoughts onto paper. Find something that makes you feel better.
Support from friends. Don't be afraid to go to your loved ones when you feel too sad. They will help you with advice, listen silently, or distract you from your worries.

Caution: This step is definitely important, but don't get stuck on it for too long.

Realize that nothing is permanent in the world, everything comes and goes.

Look at it from the spiritual side.

You were born alone and you will die alone. Nothing is eternal.
Everything is constantly changing. And it is useless to resist change. These are the laws of the universe.
Don't cling to old emotions and memories.
Life is like a roller coaster. You're up and down. And that's what makes it interesting.

Accept it and be happy. On our website we also have 15 tips from a psychologist on how to get out of depression on your own.

By realizing this, you will save yourself from the dilemma of how you can forget the person you love very much and blindly.

Reboot3

Rebooting helps not only during breakups, but also in everyday life. It helps to gain strength, new impressions, relax your soul and free your head from unnecessary painful thoughts.

The simplest and most effective reboot is a change of environment. You can start small - arrange a global rearrangement of the house - change the curtains, rearrange the furniture. Change the supermarket where you shop every day. Let the other store be further away; an extra walk won't hurt. You should also change your favorite coffee shop, which you always went to before work. Fortunately, there are a lot of them, and the coffee is very tasty everywhere.

Allow yourself to walk every evening, changing places - today a park, tomorrow another, then cycling (or skiing, skating, if it’s winter), then to the main square. Well, the global part is the travel. It is not necessary to go abroad, but if such an opportunity exists, you should not miss it. You can go for the weekend to another city or to the sea. Take a vacation and go to your grandmother in the village, breathe fresh air, relax and finally visit your beloved grandmother.

Reconsider the features of your personality, remind yourself of them

There is such an illusion after a breakup that now supposedly “you are not self-sufficient because you don’t have a soulmate.”

It is especially common among girls who are troubled by restless thoughts about how to forget the man they love.

When it's all over, it's time to go back and reconsider your personality.

It is important to remind yourself of them!

You can read more about how to love yourself and increase self-esteem in a new publication on the site.

You need to reconsider the new you who went through this whole journey with your past partner.

Continue to enjoy life while discovering and learning more about yourself.

Do you follow your ex-significant other on social media?

With a high degree of probability, immediately after breaking up, you will still be “friends” with each other. And according to psychologists, this is not the best idea. It's normal to be curious about what your ex is up to from time to time, but snooping can become an obsession.

Spying on your ex-significant other is a trap that forces you to dive deeper and deeper into the past instead of moving forward. Avoid the pages of your passions; if necessary, block them (this is not the most beautiful thing to do, but what can you do). Over time, you can be friends, but this will only happen when you are both ready for it. In the meantime, don’t be afraid to burn bridges.

Allow yourself to be with a better partner, let go of old limiting beliefs

We attract who we are.

You must realize that you can attract a better partner.

But the paradox is that people themselves do not want to be with the best partner!

Why does this happen to people?

Because after a long relationship a person has taught himself : “I love my soulmate. I don’t want the best for myself, I want the best for both of us.”

Track these habits in yourself and get rid of them.

People cannot believe that it is possible and necessary to forget a person whom you love unrequitedly and blindly.

Are you afraid of loneliness

Fear of loneliness is one of the main reasons why people don’t want to let go of their past. You are used to doing everything together: watching movies, shopping, going on vacation. Now you are confused: during the relationship, you have lost the habit of doing something on your own and have managed to forget what it is like to be “I” and not “we”.

Instead of building castles in the air and lamenting your bitter fate, focus on yourself. Remember what made you happy - perhaps there was some hobby you left for the sake of your other half - or meet up with friends you haven't seen for a long time. Don't forget an important axiom: it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.

Don't look for a new partner out of revenge or to make your old one jealous.

Don't fall into the trap of your ego! Don't have these low petty selfish motives.
It is a grave mistake to find new partners only for the purpose of asserting yourself in the eyes of your ex!
Otherwise, with such actions you will only strengthen the thought in your mind: “She/he is the only one.”
And then all your selfish actions in order to cause jealousy or out of revenge are a big reaction to your ex-partner.
Let it all go and enjoy a completely new partner and share your passion with each other.
Have the perception “Now your ex is a random passerby” and there is no point in thinking about him.

Keep these principles in mind to help you close your questions about how to forget the person you love and see every day.

Stages of divorce

There is a classic concept of five stages of accepting the inevitable. These include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and actual acceptance. People go through them even after a breakup. But in reality, the process of going through a divorce is more complicated. Bruce Fisher, in collaboration with Robert Alberti, describes him in the book “Love. Reboot".

From the point of view of the authors of the book, a person goes through 19 stages of separation. These are a kind of blocks that form a mountain. At the top, freedom awaits man. But to achieve it, you need to work through all the stages and not get stuck anywhere.

Let me briefly describe these blocks.

Negation. “This is not true,” “this is temporary,” “she will come back” are the first thoughts that arise after breaking up.
Fear. A person is afraid of loneliness and the fact that no one else will love him.
Adaptation. When our need for love and care is not met, we try to adapt. After a divorce, this can lead to an immediate search for a new relationship - an attempt to replace one person with another.
Loneliness. Divorce is followed by a complete change in life with all habits, environment and daily routine. Everything the couple used to do together has disappeared. There is such a powerful loneliness that has never existed before.
Friendship. Some friends will disappear because they will prefer to communicate with only one of their ex-spouses. Others will provide support and become closer.
Guilt/rejection. The initiator of the divorce is tormented by feelings of guilt. The abandoned person struggles with feelings of rejection.
Grief. A person is overwhelmed by despair, powerlessness and depression. This is a difficult stage where many get stuck. Our hero Oleg is stuck between grief and anger.
Anger. Resentment and grief develop into anger directed towards the ex-wife. Rejection begins. Previously, you perceived yourself and your wife as a single whole, but now you are breaking away from her.
Letting go. At this stage, it is important to stop wasting energy on dead relationships. Now is the time to get rid of your ex's things if you haven't already.
Self-esteem. The person gradually stops self-flagellation and remembers that “actually, I’m not that bad.”
Transition. This is a period of transformation. You begin to see the negative attitudes that you followed while living with your ex-wife. There is a desire to change them and engage in self-development.
Openness. Taking off masks and accepting your condition. “I don’t have to pretend that everything is fine with me.”
Love. After a divorce, a person feels that he is unworthy of love. Now this destructive belief is being overcome.
Confidence. The stage of restoring trust in the opposite sex. It takes time and sometimes the help of a psychologist.
Connections Searching for a new partner. It is advisable not to do this right away, so as not to project old relationships onto new ones.
Sexuality. In marriage, a sexual partner was available. Now he's gone, but the need for sex remains. To satisfy her, you need to get acquainted again and go on dates. If you are afraid of such changes, it’s time to deal with it.
Privacy. A person learns to be holistic alone with himself and begins to invest in his development.
Target. The feeling of “it’s over” is a thing of the past. This is a time for setting new goals and planning for the future.
Freedom. Peak. If all previous blocks have been worked through, a feeling of complete freedom from the past sets in. You are ready to let him go and make the new relationship more meaningful than the previous one.

The listed stages do not necessarily occur in the suggested order. You can work on several blocks at the same time. Keep a journal to write down the feelings and thoughts you are going through. All emotions must be realized, identified and lived - this is the only way you will completely get rid of them.

Next, I will tell you what methods will help you get through the period of separation.

Don't make the following common mistakes that don't solve your problem:

What does NOT solve problems after a breakup:

Alcohol, any substances, random connections of meaning and benefit are zero.
Attempts to travel or move are all attempts to run away from the problem and pretend that it doesn’t exist. It’s like a soldier was shot in the leg, and he went out on a forced march to run a kilometer and pretends that everything is great for him.
Bringing up negative qualities in your ex and negative things in past relationships is another piece of absurd advice! Following him, you still think about him! You will spend a lot of energy on these thoughts; negativity takes a lot of energy.
Thinking about some other person is the most useless advice. This is tantamount to advice not to think about the pink elephant that still pops up in your head. Not thinking is also an action, which also consumes energy.

Better re

What happens to a man after a divorce?

I read the following story on one of the forums. Oleg divorced Irina after seven years of marriage. I became depressed, but soon met another girl and felt better. Irina found out about this and wanted to return him. Oleg did not give in at first, but the woman cried and said that she still loved him. As a result, the man believed her and broke up with his new passion.

At first everything was perfect in the revived family. The couple took care of each other, walked hand in hand and seemed happy. Only three months later, Irina left for someone else. Oleg fell into a depression worse than before. I tried to pour alcohol on her - it became harder. I tried to play sports and quit after a week. And for some reason, attempts to start a new relationship failed over and over again.

A year later, Oleg still thinks about Irina. Checks social media and gets angry seeing her photo with someone else. Oleg feels sick and bitter, but he doesn’t tell his friends and family about it. Men shouldn't whine and complain. So he doesn't whine. But he can’t get his ex-wife out of his head. And it’s unclear what to do about it.

In the world, about 15% of divorces are by mutual consent, all the rest are on the initiative of one of the spouses. In most cases, someone is abandoned. This is stressful and a huge blow to self-esteem. After all, if they left you, it means something is wrong with you. It means you're not good enough.

Due to their psychological makeup, it is more difficult for men to survive a divorce, and the process of emotional recovery lasts longer for them. Both the expectations of society and the characteristics of upbringing contribute to this. So it turns out that on the one hand there is mental pain and fallen self-esteem, and on the other hand there is a merciless society to which it is not customary to show these feelings.

In order not to seem like a wimp, a man suppresses emotions and tries to behave as usual. Defensive reactions are activated, which vary depending on the character. This could be alcohol, superficial relationships, or anger at your ex-wife, blaming her for all mortal sins.

Oleg’s defensive reaction was a new relationship. But they didn’t pass the test of strength. Why did the man leave his girlfriend? Because previous relationships remained unresolved. Oleg did not get over the separation from his wife, suppressed his emotions and ran away from them to a new connection. But unlived emotions do not go away. They go into the subconscious and influence our future lives.

A man pushes his feelings into the recesses of his soul and pretends that everything is in order. And then she doesn’t understand why she can’t forget her ex. In fact, he was simply stuck in one of the psychological stages of separation.

Let's figure out what these stages are.