Most often, it is not the man who is suspected of cheating who suffers from jealousy, but the woman. She experiences fear, resentment, anger, anger. Negative thoughts prevent you from enjoying life and enjoying your relationship with your loved one. If there are no compelling reasons for suspicion, jealousy becomes pathological, you need to take urgent measures and seek help from a psychologist. We’ll tell you in our article how to stop being jealous and screwing yourself up, and trust a guy.
Understand what jealousy is
Jealousy may have a real reason when it is caused by objective reasons. A woman knows for sure that her man is cheating on her with another woman, or even more than one, and does it regularly. And her jealousy already has many shades; anger, indignation, resentment, and disappointment are mixed in with it. The man probably guesses that she is suffering, that she is in pain, but this does not stop him.
This is the most understandable type of jealousy, when jealousy is natural and justified, but it is also the least common. In this case, a woman should think about what might be causing her man’s behavior and whether it makes sense to continue the relationship. Does she want to be with a person who will constantly provoke her and cause negative emotions in her? Will working on such relationships yield results? This situation requires a response.
More often, another type of jealousy occurs when it is not entirely clear whether there is a real reason for jealousy or whether it is far-fetched. For example, a woman came with her husband to a company where there were attractive unmarried women. After some time, she notices that her husband is talking enthusiastically with one of these women. Well, don't keep him on a leash!
Of course, every family has a different understanding of the boundaries of what is permitted. Some women will not attach any importance to this fact: the husband is not a prisoner, he has the right to communicate with whomever he wants. And here the relationship is built on trust. A woman of this type will probably come up and naturally join in the conversation.
And her position will be much more advantageous than that of a jealous woman, who in such a situation will withdraw into herself, begin to sulk, cast sidelong glances - whatever they are doing, “beat with her hoof” or demonstratively flirt with one of her husband’s acquaintances. In general, behave not like a wise woman, but like a child.
Of course, in this situation it is difficult to answer unequivocally whether there is a reason for jealousy or not. It seems not, but at the same time there is. Here it is important that the man knows when to stop. If he meets another woman too often in a friendly manner, runs to solve some of her problems at the first call, and often talks about her, then there is still cause for concern.
Here it is worth asking yourself: does this situation threaten our relationship? Is this a real reason for jealousy? You need to honestly admit to yourself: yes, I am jealous. Psychologists advise saying these words many times - mentally or out loud where no one can hear them. This needs to be done with different intonations, imitating characters from funny cartoons.
You need to repeat it until it becomes funny. This will allow you to abstract yourself from the negative emotion that has captured and absorbed all your attention. Now you can ask yourself again: is there a specific reason for jealousy?
A wise woman differs from an infantile one in that she is responsible for her emotions and does not allow them to overwhelm her and make irreparable mistakes. In a fit of jealousy, it is easy to destroy a relationship, and, as they say, destroying is not building. Accusations and unjustified jealousy can only worsen the situation. A hysterical woman, shaking the nerves of both the man and herself, will only achieve that he really leaves, even if he had no intention of doing so before, to a place where they will be friendly and affectionate with him.
A jealous woman weakens her position, because she tacitly admits that her relationship with a man is not as strong as she would like, that she is worse than other women. And this already indicates her low self-esteem and she must work with this.
So, such a reason for jealousy is often invented by the woman herself. But inciting this feeling in oneself, spying on a man, making accusations, trying to extort a confession of treason from him only provokes him to give a real reason.
Along with jealousy, which may have at least some basis, there is also causeless female jealousy. Firstly, this is jealousy associated with some life periods or characteristics occurring in the female body. For example, during pregnancy, after childbirth, when, against the background of hormonal changes, a woman becomes vulnerable, easily excitable, and tearful. It seems to her that she has become unattractive, uninteresting, and her husband will leave for someone else - better. Psychologists advise not to get hung up on negative thoughts, not to forget about increasing self-esteem, self-development, then you won’t have to doubt yourself and your strengths. And a woman with high self-esteem will not let others, including her man, doubt this.
Women who consider themselves the center of the universe are prone to causeless jealousy. They are sensitive to any distraction of attention from them and directing it to someone else. And here psychologists recommend doing psychoanalysis or turning to a psychotherapist, because life in a state of constant jealousy is unbearable.
So, we figured out the reasons for our jealousy. What other first aid can you give yourself during the next attack?
Advice from psychologist Yulia Lanske
Julia Lanske, a relationship expert and author of trainings for women, knows exactly how to stop being jealous of a guy and constantly screwing yourself up.
Her advice will be useful to you:
- Don't ask unnecessary questions. Especially if you are not ready to hear an honest answer to them. Don’t rush things; if it happens, you’ll definitely be the first to know about a breakup.
- Understand that your husband or boyfriend is not your property. He has the right to look around, talk with other women, and at the same time not put sexual overtones into the communication.
- Take care of yourself. The fear of losing her usual way of life after a man leaves makes a woman weak. Realize your desires, opportunities, invest strength in yourself, in your career, then you will understand that you can exist perfectly well without this man.
- Love yourself, your body. Low self-esteem pushes a woman to think about cheating, divorce, or the departure of her loved one to another, more beautiful, smart, economical one. When everything is in order with self-esteem, there is no room for jealousy. A self-sufficient woman understands that the guy chose her, which means everything about her suits him.
- Don't look for a rival in every woman. There is no need to interrogate a guy about his colleagues, classmates at the institute, or his neighbor in the country. So you yourself push your loved one to another.
- Do not deprive the guy of communication with the girls he knows. A union between a man and a woman does not imply shackles and a ban on talking with other people. Understand that you and your loved one should not avoid socializing after getting married or going on a couple of dates with each other.
- Get rid of incorrect settings. The thought that all men cheat, if the husband does not give flowers, he does not love his wife, and so on, poisons the lives of girls. Understand that a guy doesn't have to live up to your idea of real men. He has his own ideas about correct behavior. Get rid of common clichés and life will be easier and more fun.
- Find a hobby, go in for sports and don’t tell your loved one where you were and what you did today. Create suspense. Your loved one will become interested in your hobby when he sees the happy eyes of his partner.
- Be interesting to others and yourself. Men quickly get bored with crybabies and bores.
Seek advice from wise people
In difficult everyday situations, we are used to turning to friends. But psychologists do not recommend doing this. During a period when a woman is in disheveled feelings, has lost her way and does not know what to do, she is very suggestible. If a friend's personal life leaves much to be desired, she is unlikely to give sensible advice. “Drive him, why do you need him!” - from the category of those that should not be resorted to.
Isn’t there a person nearby who serves as an example of wisdom? Then it’s better not to let anyone in on your secrets. Or use the help of a professional psychotherapist.
How to stop being jealous of your ex
The psychology of girls is such that the relationship can be over, but jealousy towards the ex will remain. The strength and duration of anger at a guy depends on the character of the woman. To stop the mental anguish, consider the following options:
- Go on vacation for a couple of weeks. Visit new places, meet new people. Be sure to post photos, joyful statuses about your vacation on VKontakte and other social networks.
- Analyze past relationships. Couples do not break up if they have harmony and mutual understanding. Remember all the guy’s character traits that annoyed you, force yourself to forget about his good deeds. Try to create a negative image of your ex and feel sorry for his next lover.
- Treat yourself. Go with your girlfriends to the most luxurious club, update your wardrobe. Make a wish list and gradually fulfill all of them.
- Chat more with friends in real life, meet men online, enjoy compliments and dates.
- Do something global. For example, charity, regularly help orphans, abandoned animals. Good deeds should absorb you completely, so that in a month you cannot remember what your ex looks like.
Talk more with a man about your feelings
We are all brought up in different families, and, as you know, “every hut has its own rattles.” What is considered normal in one family may not be acceptable in another. To some, even harmless flirting will seem like betrayal. A man may not even realize what a storm of emotions the fact that he just said hello to an attractive colleague caused in his woman.
Therefore, it is so important not to harbor resentment, not to accumulate irritation, not to invent reasons for jealousy, but to find time and the right words to understand each other.
The difference between healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy
Pathological jealousy is accompanied by constant anxiety and uncontrollable behavior. Anxiety makes your fantasy work as negatively as possible: you vividly imagine betrayal and start a scandal, while your man just thanked the waitress for the delicious dish. Any action can be misinterpreted and does not need explanation. After all, you saw how he was staring at her? It's time to take action if:
Jealousy: the true source and deliverance
- you experience an irrational fear of being abandoned, during any quarrel you imagine how your chosen one leaves you, and you shake in sobs;
- extremely suspicious of changes in your partner’s behavior, manically asking why he wore a festive shirt to the office;
- you control every step, demand that you call back;
- ready to tear apart the girls who glance at him on the street, “likes” and “friend requests” drive you crazy;
- you think “of course he looked at her, she is so beautiful and slender, unlike me”;
- you remember his exes, and you are overwhelmed with resentment that he once belonged to others, you imagine their romantic scenes;
- you experience very real physical symptoms - suffocation, tremors, panic attacks.
Figure out “where the legs grow from”
It will be easier for a woman to get rid of jealousy when she conducts introspection and understands its origins. Among many reasons, psychologists identify three:
- Dislike . The woman is jealous because she lacked her father's love and attention. Now she wants to receive them in abundance from her man;
- She copies her mother's behavior pattern . She saw how her mother treated her father, how she controlled him, threw tantrums and scenes of jealousy, and now she is trying to transfer this model to her relationships with men;
- Fear of losing a man , becoming unnecessary to him. In this case, a woman needs to engage in self-development, work on self-esteem, a sense of self-worth, and her own image. And then she will no longer be afraid that she will be betrayed, abandoned, humiliated. She will become self-sufficient and self-confident, they will fight for her, they will want to spend time with her, they will look after her so that someone else does not take her away.
© Elena Timoshenko, BBF.RU
Advice from psychologist Denis Kostosh
A well-known expert on the development of relationships between a man and a woman, Denis Kostash, gives the following recommendations in his video lessons:
- stop controlling a man;
- talk to him about your feelings;
- work on being interesting to your lover.
Jealousy ruins the lives of people of any age and social status. Young and mature representatives of the fairer sex suspect their loved ones of cheating and torment themselves with bad thoughts. If you don’t know how to learn not to be jealous of a man, be sure to take the advice of experienced psychologists from our article, and finally establish a harmonious relationship with your husband or boyfriend.
Why are you so jealous
Jealousy, along with other feelings such as love, hatred and happiness, has always existed, in all times and in all cultures. According to anthropological research, it originated more than a million years ago, when, in the African expanses, a person, for reasons of survival, defended his partner, children and territory, fiercely fighting off strangers.
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, identified similar features of childhood jealousy, when everyone wants exclusive parental love, and with the appearance of a younger brother or sister is afraid of losing attention, and jealousy towards a partner.
The main reasons for jealousy:
- Low self-esteem. If you do not have a very high opinion of yourself, it seems logical that sooner or later your chosen one will find a more worthy candidate.
- Exposure to constant criticism and condemnation. Claiming that you are not good enough and doing everything wrong can lead to feelings of inferiority. How can anyone love you if you're so terrible?
- Lack of care. If you lacked warmth and affection as a child, you will feel superfluous in any relationship.
Giphy
- Bad experience. Betrayals and betrayals do not pass without leaving a trace. It is difficult to learn to trust again, knowing what consequences this can lead to.
- Bad conscience. Your own infidelity makes you think that the person you love is also not as moral as he wants to seem. In this case, jealousy is a ploy to distract the partner's attention.
- Othello syndrome. This is the conviction of a partner’s infidelity when there is absolutely no reason for this. People with this disorder ignore all evidence and may resort to violence if they let their imagination run wild.
What does jealousy signal?
Family psychologists recommend changing your point of view: treating jealousy not as a problem, but as a solution. This is an opportunity that allows you to learn something new about yourself. And you need to start by looking for the reasons, with the problems that your subconscious is trying to solve with the help of jealousy. If you're jealous because your boyfriend broke your trust, then that's the real problem. If you're projecting your own insecurities onto your boyfriend, then you need to pay attention to this problem. If you're jealous of your boyfriend's success, it may be due to unhealthy competition. The reasons can be very different, but by using jealousy as a solution to real internal problems, you can ultimately get rid of it.
Be honest with the guy 7
If you're trying to fight your jealousy, it's unlikely to go unnoticed. Chances are good that he will be happy to contribute to solving this problem. By striving for normal communication, you will not only be working on the relationship, it also means that you are taking responsibility for your behavior and don't mind if your boyfriend is supportive and helpful.
Pay attention to your shortcomings 4
To stop being jealous of your boyfriend, start with how you perceive yourself. What makes you insecure and makes you jealous? Do you strive to be perfect? Or do you compare yourself to others? This list is needed not to finally become convinced of your own worthlessness, but to find a starting point for starting to work on yourself and your relationships.
External factors
To understand what worries you, you need to take a pen and a piece of paper. Next, you need to remember all the events that have happened over the past 3 months. How the communication went, how the young man behaved and was there any evidence of jealousy. Here are a few key points to pay special attention to.
- Everything has changed. The girls are very worried that the relationship has changed, and now there are no those bright emotions and passions that were before. The loved one has become more restrained, and it is more difficult to overcome the strange feeling of betrayal. The main thing to remember here is that living together is not a permanent holiday. Over time, both partners settle down and the relationship moves to a new level. In this case, there is no point in being jealous.
- There are fewer and fewer words about love. It is very difficult to find a guy who will talk about love day after day, especially since men tend to hide their feelings. If the other half constantly repeats that he cannot live without his beloved, then later his words simply will not be taken seriously. Why repeat what is already clear?
- The guy moved away. Lately, has a young man shown less concern and spent more time without his girlfriend? He may have personal reasons for this, such as work, study or helping his family. Perhaps the jealousy here is unnecessary, and perceiving the situation less acutely will help get rid of it.
- Gossip. There are many ill-wishers who will want to convince the girl that her lover is cheating. You need to treat all the information you hear adequately; you just need to learn to trust people, and especially those with whom you want to build a strong family. If doubts still prevail, then you will need to take a closer look at the guy’s behavior.
- Other factors. The man began to avoid meetings, constantly hides his eyes, and on a date he looks for an excuse to leave quickly? In this case, you need to weigh everything and think about whether such a person is needed in life. Will a girl fight to show love? If so, then the tactics of conquest must be radically changed.
When it becomes clear what reasons caused jealousy, you need to start changing the situation or change yourself. But if there are no visible reasons, then you need to direct your energy to fight this feeling.
Confidence is the key to getting rid of jealousy5
Try making a few lists. In one write down the reasons for jealousy, in the other - what you can use to neutralize them (for example, uncertainty - confidence, mistrust - faith). If you feel like your boyfriend's shadow, write down all the qualities that attract him to you. If you always try to compare yourself to other people, ordinary people or celebrities, stop looking at their Instagram accounts for a while. By ceasing to perceive yourself as an inferior person, you can work on building self-confidence, which, as it develops, will displace jealousy.
