How to come to terms with loneliness: psychological techniques and methods, expert advice

Family psychologist.

When we finally meet our person and marry our “one” or “one,” it seems to us that mutual understanding will last forever. No more lonely nights, we found each other! Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

Loneliness in marriage is experienced by millions of couples around the world. Suddenly one of the spouses feels abandoned, and more often this feeling is born in women. Perhaps the connection weakens over time, or the partners practically stop talking, but begin to argue and quarrel a lot.

The devil is not as scary as he is painted

To find out how to come to terms with loneliness and start living, you need to understand what this socio-psychological phenomenon actually is?

What a terrible hopelessness lies behind this emotional state. Man is a social creature who is not always able to endure loneliness. But what can we say about people, when even most animals die without communication. For example, captive parrots use their vocal abilities to imitate sounds and human speech, thereby saving themselves from lack of communication.

But what is loneliness? For some, this is life without family and children, for others it is an existence without friends and social communication. But is it really scary to be alone? In fact, no, because each person is a completely independent person who can make up for the lack of communication in different ways. People are not isolated from society on a voluntary basis. As a rule, a person makes himself lonely.

However, if you cannot bear this emotional state and always crave someone's company, it is definitely not good. And if you have difficulty communicating with other people or are unable to be in the same room with someone, this situation cannot be considered normal. You must definitely find a compromise. Let's find out how to deal with loneliness and whether you should worry about the lack of social communication.

Fear of marriage or victim of love of freedom

A considerable number of men experience it. Of course, not all. There is quite a large category of those aspiring to the aisle of almost birth. From a young age, such people dream of a family life, full of children, and then grandchildren. But, alas, not all of them are like that.

More often, due to his youth, and youth, as you know, is an elastic concept, a man runs away from serious relationships, seeing them as a limitation of his own freedom. Freedom to establish relationships with others and freedom from the obligations, stresses, and inconveniences of everyday life that are inextricably linked with family life, children and similar circumstances. The family colleague is seen by his single colleagues as something like Novoseltsev, who has stopped taking care of himself in “Office Romance,” crushed by the burden of worries and eternal lack of money. The years pass unnoticed. Yesterday's hero-lover is slowly losing its presentation, and the intimate side of life is losing its sharpness. Organization, primarily psychological, comes to the fore. Mental comfort, an established life and a strong rear in any circumstances. And the rear is just a strong family, it will always support.

And yesterday’s dandy remains broke, secretly envious of his married acquaintances, whom he once teased. And the longer he is single, the more difficult it is to break this vicious circle. This is how the well-known loneliness of men after forty begins.

The difficulty of a psychologist working with this type of person is that meeting him in consultation is extremely difficult. He is unlikely to come himself; men generally rarely come to a psychologist on their own initiative. And there is absolutely no one to take him by the hand and lead him, because he is lonely and independent. Hope is only in friends and caring loved ones in general.

Should you deal with loneliness?

How can a woman at 35 deal with loneliness? Why does social isolation occur in the majority of people whose age has crossed the thirty-year mark?

The main reason for this paradox is incorrectly set priorities at a younger age. There is an opinion that if a person does not achieve certain successes before the age of 30 (car, apartment, family, travel), then he will remain a failure. In pursuit of well-being, people first spend years studying hard, then crave a stable job, try to defend a dissertation, and climb the career ladder. Ultimately, the logical question arises of how to come to terms with loneliness, because they have no friends, no family, or even good acquaintances.

What happens to beautiful, smart, successful, lively and slightly bitchy women, over whom men simply go crazy? They are becoming even more socially isolated, more and more every year. The reason is simple: they do not see the problem alone, they convince themselves that everything is fine, and this is a completely normal phenomenon.

However, it is important to understand that this emotional state should not apply to absolutely all areas of life. You may not have a family or children, but you know that there is always the opportunity to go on a trip with friends, go to a concert, or meet new people. One hundred percent loneliness will mean only one thing - you have closed yourself in your own mental cocoon, which completely protected you from any communication.

Female self-sufficiency

It is believed that one of the reasons for male loneliness is female self-sufficiency. This is quite a pressing issue. Many women are career-oriented, which is generally good. However, they cultivate strong qualities in themselves that do not allow them to express their femininity. As a result, such women become quite tough and domineering. Building relationships with such ladies is quite difficult, and not at all because men are weak. Such women simply discourage anyone from caring for them and pursuing them. It is quite natural that the male reaction to this is alienation.

Why is loneliness so hard to overcome?

Another question that arises among men and women: “How to deal with loneliness at 45 years of age and older?” There is only one solution: you don’t need to completely renounce any social contact. The older a person becomes, the more he withdraws into himself. Single people are afraid to start new relationships and meet anyone, they do not go out into public, they forget about their appearance and any plans.

So how to deal with loneliness at 35, 45 and 50 years old? Behave naturally and do not forget that you are a fully capable and active person who has a bright future. Locking yourself in your own apartment, avoiding excessive communication, can only make things worse. And year after year, this emotional state will begin to develop into fears and complexes, which are almost impossible to get rid of.

Slam the door in the face of all negativity

If you are tormented by negative thoughts, do not brush them aside, but acknowledge them. You can even give them names if it helps: “you are pettiness”, “you are impatience”, “you are tired and frustrated”. Now, with Nora's determination, slam the door in their face so they don't ruin your life anymore.

Instead of complaining about how and why you ended up in a particular situation, find the nearest reflective surface and say out loud what you are going to do about the situation.

Of course, anything happens in life. I don't live in a fantasy world and don't wear rose-colored glasses. My heart still shrinks a little from the sound of my “thank you” to the cashier at the supermarket, said in a voice hoarse from a whole day of silence. And sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t sleep from worry. I miss the calming feeling of having someone nearby who I can rely on.

The thoughts in your head are not idle, and negativity always does its dirty work. They whisper in your ear: “You are old. You're ugly. You're a loser. You are fat. Is it possible to love you? What good are you to the world?” Women are very strong by nature, and it is doubly offensive that we voluntarily become hostages of these vile voices in our heads.

Fight them as best you can, do not succumb to their corrupting influence. We must deprive them of their strength, otherwise they will take root and bloom magnificently. Don't let yourself get bogged down in habitual dissatisfaction with everyone and everything: this is an emotional dead end. Pull yourself out of the swamp, shake off the dirt and move on. You choose your thoughts.

Main reasons

All troubles and difficulties in life do not arise just like that. They are either the result of certain actions and decisions that people make (or do not make), or the result of behavior. Loneliness is no exception.

The most common reasons that can explain why a person is ignored by other people are:

1. Excessive disgust. Of course, you don't have to marry the first girl you meet (marry the guy) you meet. However, don’t waste your life looking for the shortcomings of your potential partner. No one is perfect, every person has some pros and cons. What you have to do is decide for yourself whether you are ready to accept all these character flaws and bad habits of your significant other.
2. Selfishness and laziness. All relationships involve constant hard work. Yes, you shouldn't just stay afloat and ignore all the problems along the way. It's important to work really hard to maintain your relationship. If you want to have a strong and lasting friendship or marriage, you must learn to be flexible and make concessions to each other. Remember that sometimes you have to give up your own interests for the sake of your beloved (chosen one), because as soon as marriage is concluded, “I” is replaced by “we”.
3. Excessive aggression. And also authority, hysterical nature, cruelty, laziness and other negative character traits that need to be eradicated not even for the sake of others, but for oneself.
4. Untidy appearance. You may be a very interesting person, but keep in mind that no one would want to date a woman (or man) with dirty hair or someone who smells bad.
5. Excessive persistence. Imagine the following situation: you have been half-heartedly courting your girlfriend for many years. What will happen next? Perhaps you will break up. However, you may experience the same result if you start planning your future wedding on the second day of dating.

Sad consequences

The consequences of loneliness, as a lack of satisfaction of basic social needs, can appear immediately, or have delayed manifestations that arise years later.

The physiological consequences of loneliness include:

• Chronic inflammatory processes . The body perceives the feeling of loneliness as a direct threat, so it tries to cope with it as if it were a disease, reacting by launching inflammatory processes. All this not only reduces immunity, but in the long term can lead to the development of cancer;
• Cardiovascular diseases . Older people who are isolated from society have an increased risk of stroke and the development of coronary artery pathologies;
• Eating disorders . Lack or insufficient communication can lead to disrupted eating habits, anorexia, and bulimia. Especially often such diseases manifest themselves with fear of loneliness in women and young girls;
• Loneliness significantly increases a person's susceptibility to colds and viral infections ;
• Alzheimer's disease . Associated with an increase in protein in the body, which negatively affects the brain, reducing cognitive abilities. Elderly people suffering from this disease, for the most part, do not have a sufficient number of social contacts;
• Reduced life expectancy. The stable state of the body is directly dependent on the degree of sociability of the individual. Death alone can overtake a person earlier than if he has a wide social circle and leads an active lifestyle.

Psychological consequences include:

• Depression from loneliness . People who constantly feel lonely have a high tendency to develop depressive conditions and a large number of corresponding symptoms. Moreover, in this case, the person’s age does not matter;
• Problems in communication and establishing social connections . It would seem that a person who is tired of loneliness should be drawn to communication. But in reality, the opposite happens - the lack of contacts leads to the fact that people begin to experience a subconscious fear of communication, perceiving the interlocutor as a potential enemy;
• Family problems . The feeling of loneliness in a relationship interferes with its normal development. If one or both partners feel lonely, this makes them doubt not only themselves, but also whether they are suitable for each other, since according to the majority, loneliness and love are incompatible (unless, of course, it is unhappy love) . With a sufficient level of mutual understanding, people can fight the fear of loneliness together. But more often they simply begin to make more claims to their life partner, which ultimately leads to a break in the relationship;
• Difficulty trying to cope with stress . They are associated primarily with the lack of support from others, which is necessary to get out of a stressful situation.

In addition to all of the above, loneliness affects your lifestyle. It has been established that wide social contacts of a positive orientation help a person lead a healthy lifestyle .

People who are constantly in society most often eat right, take care of their physical fitness, and try to get enough sleep. And a good, stable relationship in a couple prevents alcoholism, drug addiction and the development of bad habits . To find your other half, you can use dating sites or social networks. This will be especially convenient for those who find it difficult to meet the opposite sex in real life (and in general, in the current conditions of quarantine, you can’t think of a better way).

A set of useful tips for the desperate

Let's find out how to come to terms with loneliness for women and men. This set of rules will be useful to those who are faced with a lack of communication and social isolation:

• Remember that you yourself are the culprit of your emotional state.
• Don't force yourself into a box, don't let stereotypes break you.
• Age should not become an obstacle to a happy and fulfilling life. Therefore, if men have a question about how to come to terms with loneliness at 50 or later, then it is important to understand that every person has the opportunity to build a happy life, find love, start a family, become successful and have good friends.
• Loneliness does not mean that you now have to lock yourself in an empty apartment, cut off all the wires, remove yourself from social networks, and put on a gray robe.

Loneliness manifests itself in different ways. Someone is comfortable living independently in a house where only his rules reign. But at the same time, such people build relationships, have friends and do not close themselves off from society.

If you make friends with yourself, you will never be alone. Maxwell Moltz

If you ask a specialist how a man or woman can cope with loneliness, you will certainly hear: “With the help of communication!” Indeed, if you have an interesting job and friendly colleagues, loyal friends, exciting hobbies and a pleasant relationship with your family, then you will not grieve too much for the lack of love. You can also avoid suffering from loneliness by following some of the tips below.

Modernity

Let's start with the fact that male loneliness in the modern world is common for the reason that communication has become much more difficult. People make a lot of demands on each other, want a lot, but are not always ready to give the same response. Because of this, tension and tension arise in relationships. In turn, this puts psychological pressure on both men and women, which sometimes discourages them from building relationships.

Men who are unstable from a psychological point of view may be susceptible to various new trends and opinions of society. They are interested in new information and trust it without checking. That is why they tend to delve into themselves too actively, analyze certain actions and words, and immerse themselves in their inner world.

Don't be bitter

You won't be happier by hating your friend who is more successful in his personal life. The anger and envy that devours people from the inside will sooner or later become obvious and begin to scare away all the people on the path who want to create a strong relationship with you. Better be a happy person by programming yourself to repeat the successes of others!

Happiness at will

“If you want to be happy, be happy,” said Tolstoy. He knew something about life even before scientists began to seriously study the problem of happiness, and authors raced to write their practical guides for those who wanted to find the joy of life.

The world is as you see it. So if you feel like you missed your chance or that life has treated you unfairly, that is your reality. I'm not saying you should think positive thoughts with a fake smile on your face, but research (and common sense) indicates that a positive inner attitude leads to positive outcomes. In the morning, as soon as your feet touch the floor, think about how you would like to live the coming day.

Experts have proven that feeling happy contributes to success, and not the other way around.

Love your life and live it to the fullest!

Even if you are single now, this does not mean that you will continue to be so for the rest of your life. Attend exhibitions, go to cinemas and theaters, volunteer for a charity.

Believe me, many married people will envy you for having free time, so spend it wisely, using it for self-development and personal growth. In addition, visiting such places will give you the opportunity to meet new friends and your soulmate. Therefore, instead of thinking about how to deal with loneliness in your personal life, become socially active, do not follow the advice of Brodsky from the famous poem, which said: “Don’t leave the room, don’t make a mistake.”

The Internet is more than a social network

The Internet offers many opportunities for communication that can be immediately transferred from the virtual world to real life. However, avoid the risk of becoming addicted to the World Wide Web!

You can truly become a better person online. Even if you don’t have friends today, it’s always easy to find them on the web. There you can learn foreign languages ​​with native speakers, find friends with similar interests and like-minded people who will subsequently save you from loneliness. But remember that you are surrounded by real life, in which communication is also in full swing.

Find someone who needs your love

So, you don't know how to deal with loneliness. A girl or guy needs to remember that there is no need to panic if they cannot find their soulmate right now. Give love and care to your family, children, animals, the elderly - all those who really need it.

Adopt a kitten or puppy and you'll never be alone again. Jokes about “40 cats” will be inappropriate, because one pet does not determine your future destiny. In addition, a woman can become a mother and quite successfully raise a child without a husband (but keep in mind that this option should be considered last).

What can rejection from society lead to?

Loneliness can be emotionally painful for most people. If you convince yourself that everything is fine, but deep down you feel heaviness and suffering, then it’s time to change something. In the worst case scenario, this condition can lead to:

1. Depression. At first there will be apathy and despondency associated with the fact that you are not surrounded by people who can support and make you happy. Then this state will begin to develop into fear and complexes, forcing you to push yourself into boundaries and alienate yourself from society. Then depression will overtake you when thoughts begin to appear: “Nobody needs me,” “There are no people in my life who understand me,” etc.
2. Deterioration in physical health. When a person is in constant tension, he begins to suffer from either overeating or hunger. A headache and exhaustion may appear. If loneliness develops from a temporary problem into depression, then a person may face skin diseases, hair loss, and deterioration in the condition of nails and teeth.

Is it bad?

There is no clear answer to the question of whether a man can live alone. Of course, anyone is capable of living alone, but this will have a negative impact on their mental health. People need to communicate, enter into communications and build some kind of connections with each other. If this does not happen, then the person moves away from everything worldly and loses the ability to communicate. He becomes more closed and withdraws into himself. This may result in severe depression or the individual simply avoiding all contact.