When betrayal happens, the world falls apart. Why? For what? Something went wrong? And what to do next - break off the relationship or try to mend it? Psychologist with 35 years of experience, Janice Spring, wrote the book “Betrayal,” where she tells how to survive the crisis after betrayal, sort out your feelings and decide whether to save the relationship.
We chose an excerpt from the book about how men and women react differently to betrayal.
Gender differences and reactions to infidelity
As a rule, men and women evaluate their partner’s betrayal differently, which, in turn, gives different emotional overtones to their reactions.
It's important not to generalize too much—what's true for some people isn't true for others, but there is evidence that most people's responses are at least partially consistent with typical behavior for their gender. Understanding these biological and cultural programs, while variable and imprecise, should shed some light on your response to infidelity so that you may not feel so alone or abnormal. This will help your partner understand your feelings better. In general, women are determined to restore and maintain relationships; men - finish and look for a new partner. Women are more likely to become depressed and blame themselves; men are more likely to get angry and attack others, including in the imagination. Women are more likely to attribute infidelity to their overall unworthiness; men - their sexual inadequacy. Women tend to exaggerate the significance of infidelity and spend more time healing; men are able to separate themselves from the pain and move on.
How to get over a breakup
After a breakup, even when you understand perfectly well that you did the right thing and have already decided to start a new life, there are still attacks when the thought again appears in your head that everything can still be fixed, and you uncontrollably want to call your ex. This is normal, this is “withdrawal”, the same as an alcoholic without alcohol and a drug addict without a dose.
To avoid falling back into addiction, try these techniques:
- Multiple repetition technique. Have you ever had a situation when, after watching an interesting film, you told one friend about it, then another, then your mother, then your son, then your colleagues at work and someone else, and then your grandmother asks “how was the film?” so tired of telling people that you just reply “liked”? Proceed in the same way. Whatever you want to say to your ex, tell your girlfriends one by one. Then sit the doll down and tell her. Then go to an anonymous chat and tell a random interlocutor. Then a teddy bear. You can choose any order, the main thing is to talk until you get tired of talking. It should get boring to the point of nausea, so that even if the ex (ex) himself (herself) calls, it’s just too lazy to repeat everything again.
- Technique of bodily sensations. Shift your attention to your body. Close your eyes. Feel your fingertips, feet, shins, thighs, chest, arms, neck, head. Move slowly from bottom to top, listening to the sensations. Feel how your lungs expand and contract, how your heart beats. Relax, feel the body. This practice allows you to get rid of obsessive thoughts and desires.
- Self-coaching technique. Take a piece of paper, a pen and write down everything that haunts you. Write without thinking: I miss, I miss him (her), I feel lonely, I want to call, I’m scared to be without a partner forever, I want to try to start over again... Write everything you feel; anything that is difficult for you to cope with at the moment. Have you written? Burn the piece of paper, mentally telling yourself that everything written burns along with the paper.
It is difficult to fight any addiction, but it is possible and necessary! Return to reality, take responsibility for your life and stop sacrificing yourself for the sake of another person - this is the only way to become happy and achieve harmony with yourself and with others.
Difference #1: Women try to save relationships; the men turn around and leave
Women: “Perhaps we can overcome this.” Men: “Don’t even think about coming back.”
If the injured partner is a woman, she is likely to try to save the relationship, in part because she has been culturally taught to please others and not pay attention to her own needs.
A man tends to tear away his losses and look for a replacement - someone who will give him the love and attention that he believes he deserves. Women tend to suppress themselves or hide from their feelings when they are emotionally abused. Under pressure to “maintain at least the appearance of harmony in the family,” they often drown out the true self and the inner voice that screams: “I need something more.”
Society conveys to us that a woman’s task—and the measure of her self-esteem—is to maintain connections with others. One excellent study asked eight-year-old girls how they felt when boys bullied them. The girls were aware of their anger and expressed it openly; but already at the age of about twelve years old the same girls answered the same question: “I don’t know.” This study clearly shows that many women, as they get older, stop trusting their feelings when they are treated badly. If you, as a woman, can't admit the extent to which your partner's infidelity has hurt you, if you stop speaking directly and confidently about your negative feelings in order to stay together, if you're afraid of blowing the whistle, then you've been done well. .
Another reason why women tend to stay in broken relationships is because they believe in the daunting alternative of being alone. After the publication of the famous 1986 study of marriage by Harvard and Yale scientists Bennett, Bloom and Craig, women panicked over the identified shortage of bachelors. Although Susan Faludi pointed out the skewed data in 1991, the study was still a near death knell for spinsters, as women believed that after the age of forty their chances of getting married were close to zero.
Financially, women in divorce suffer more than men, partly because they are more concerned with raising young children and partly because ex-spouses are more likely to pay car bills than alimony. Although the gender wage gap is closing, women are still more likely to earn less in similar positions—77 cents on a man's dollar. For these practical reasons alone, many women seek to save their marriage.
Men are more confident that they will find a replacement, and therefore are less inclined to return a partner who has been on a spree. Because men are less likely to define themselves through successful relationships, they often believe that they have little to lose if they leave their partner. Women tend to suppress themselves and stay, men tend to run away. They deal with their trauma by eliminating the source of pain.
Why do you need love?
Why do we need love at all? It would seem a simple question. But no. We all need different things in love. Some are cared for, others are admired, others are supported, others are given bright emotions, and so on. This is how we fill the internal deficit, each one our own. Answer yourself the question: “Why is it so unbearable for me if they don’t love me, how does this make me feel?”
My client, for example, felt like an ugly loser. She expected confirmation from a man of her importance, beauty and sexuality. And when he began to move away, I realized that I couldn’t live without him. And the sex suddenly became wonderful, and she moved from conditions and ultimatums to trying to earn his attention. Losing him was tantamount to admitting she was a failure. It was as if she had forgotten a part of herself in him.
Difference #2: Women get depressed, men get angry.
Women: “I failed the most important relationship in my life.” Men: “If I meet my wife’s lover, I will kill him.”
A common female reaction to infidelity is self-deprecation. Men tend to be angry and attack those who have hurt them, at least in their fantasies.
According to a recent Mayo Clinic study, women are twice as likely to develop clinical depression as men. One reason for this trend is women's tendency to turn criticism inward on themselves rather than outward on others.
The second reason is that women more often define themselves through relationships with other people and associate their worth with whether they are loved or not. When a relationship breaks down or fails, a woman is more likely to experience low self-esteem and depression because she doesn't just lose her partner, she loses herself.
A man, on the contrary, would rather direct his rage at his wife or her lover than at himself. Aggressive men are more likely to have to restrain their violence, but even passive, introspective men sometimes find themselves fantasizing about attacking the “enemy.” Either way, anger gives you back power and control by driving away anxious feelings like shame or self-doubt. Some of you will want to see your partner as a victim who has fallen under the influence of a tempting lover. This way, you avoid the painful possibility that your partner made the decision to have an affair because he was disappointed in you.
“I was just enjoying myself”
All steps in the program are compared to the road to God. When you surrender your life to a higher power, it becomes a little easier.
At first I was skeptical about this idea. All my life I have been an atheist to the core. But after breaking up with my last boyfriend, my emotional wounds, which had not yet healed after the divorce, began to hurt again, and at that moment I was ready to believe anything to make it easier.
The first step to a new life is to admit your powerlessness over codependency. All my life I tried to fight my thinking, but when I took off the endless burden of responsibility, it became easier. I cannot be responsible for my illness. But I can be responsible for my recovery.
Then you need to entrust your life to a higher power in the sense in which you understand it. For me, this was the most important step, it was the one that had the greatest impact on me. This is not necessarily about a specific religion, but rather about general spiritual values: you don’t think that you decide everything in the world, you admit that you are not omnipotent. You stop playing the role of God in the destinies of other people. Codependents often want to control their loved ones. But at this step you realize that this is impossible. When you realize that some circumstances, in principle, cannot be changed by one person, it becomes easier. If I formulated the essence of the program in two words, I would say this: give everything to God.
In the next step, you remember all the traumatic events and look at them from the position not of a victim, but of a person capable of making a choice. Here I learned a lot about myself. As a child, I tried to adapt to my parents with alcoholism: I either pandered or tried to dictate what they should do. I continued to behave this way as an adult, with Yura. When my sponsor and I went through this step, I felt that I was not just reflecting the people I want to like, I was an independent person.
At the ninth step of the program, I needed to make reparations to everyone I had harmed with my behavior. I apologized to Yura for all the years of marriage, and I felt better.
After the program, I understood what it means to love yourself. The psychologist helped me discover the inner child I care about, and the 12 steps gave me support. A huge amount of energy was released, I began to wake up joyfully in the morning. The first time after completing the program, I constantly went to cafes, bought lattes and cakes, although I had not allowed myself such indulgence before. I was just high on myself.
But I became truly happy when I started helping others. The last, twelfth step of the program is when you yourself become a sponsor. If you are a chronic codependent, you need to constantly work on yourself, consolidate new thinking, so as not to slide back onto the old rails. By explaining the principles of the program to others, you help yourself. Now I have three sponsors.
