For many of us, building relationships with people is the key to a good life. The main skills in this process are communication, self-positioning and the ability to dexterously behave in public.
However, in order to go from an intractable young man to an opinion leader, you need to break many barriers and do a tremendous amount of work on yourself. For this, some people need to improve their diction and expand their vocabulary, others need to buy nice trousers and get a haircut, and some need to get rid of self-doubt and stop being afraid of live communication.
- FAQ: 10 secrets of communication from great leaders or how to subjugate people in dialogues
This time we will focus on the last aspect of this complex process and tell you how to get rid of isolation, shyness, shyness and other psychological barriers that prevent us from achieving the desired communicative results.
Causes of the problem
How to stop being withdrawn and shy? You should start by finding out the causes of the problem. Here are the main ones:
- Lack of communication skills. This happens when a person spends too much time alone.
- Genetic factor. Some character traits are inherited from parents.
- Low self-esteem. If a person is not confident in himself, it is very difficult for him to build communications.
- Psychological trauma. If a person has previously experienced severe stress due to public shame, most likely, in the future he will avoid communication in order to protect himself from new shocks.
- Constant criticism. If a person is constantly criticized and belittled by family members, friends or colleagues, it is not surprising that he will lose self-confidence and become withdrawn.
Live in the moment
CONTENT:
According to psychologists, isolation is not so much a property of nature as a cocktail of shame and fear of rejection. There are much fewer naturally timid people than those who have had negative experiences in a group: at school, institute or section. As a rule, in the past, shy and reserved people have had a conflict with a group of peers, which at best resulted in ridicule, and in the worst case – boycott and fights.
Celebrities are no exception: for example, successful beautiful actress Jessica Alba was teased at school because of her accent, clumsiness and heavy jaw. Rihanna, who draws crowds of fans of her work, was attacked by her peers for the color of her skin, and the winner of 9 Grammy awards, Justin Timberlake, even fought with classmates, not wanting to share their passion for football. The list goes on for a long time. It is important to note that many “stars” believe that it was the stress they experienced in childhood that strengthened their character and helped them move towards their cherished goal.
Of course, everyone is different, and not everyone is ready to open friendly arms after being an outcast. However, don't focus on the bad memories: plenty of people have gone through the same thing.
Method number 1: get rid of egocentrism
The first and most important step to how to stop being closed off is to give up the idea that others are closely watching your every move. This is quite easy to do. For example, are you very concerned about what other people look like, what they say, what their voice sounds like, or what mistake they made? Surely not. You are busy with your problems, taking care of your appearance. That’s how those around you are focused only on themselves, but certainly not on you. If you said or did something wrong, if you accidentally tripped or dropped something, if you are not very fashionably dressed - believe me, this does not bother anyone but you.
Five obviously losing tactics
On the way to sociability and self-confidence, you can make typical mistakes by following the advice of “well-wishers.” So, what you definitely shouldn’t do in the fight for the attention of others:
Throwing yourself headfirst into the pool
Many practitioners advise immediately going to great lengths: overcoming yourself every day, making new acquaintances at every step, enrolling in public speaking courses and paying compliments to passers-by... In fact, this advice is more likely to give the opposite result, if it does not lead to neurosis. Sociability is a skill like any other: before creating culinary masterpieces, you need to start with the simplest dishes. And before you become the life of the party, you need to become interesting to at least two or three friends.
Trying to please everyone
This advice is also deliberately aimed at losing: people consider those who are too keenly interested in everyone around them to be insincere or even upstarts. You need to calmly accept the fact that it is impossible to please everyone, and heroes that everyone around is delighted with are only found in not very good TV series.
This also includes another “bad advice” that is so often given to shy people: compliment everyone indiscriminately, especially the opposite sex. It is worth noting that this technique will most likely work in one out of ten cases: the ability to give an appropriate compliment is not an easy one. Impromptu, as you know, must be carefully prepared, and memorized cliches only cause irritation and a desire to distance oneself from the interlocutor.
Focus on shortcomings
One of the reasons for isolation is the habit of not only seeing one’s shortcomings, but also exaggerating them. Meanwhile, reflection is good only as a starting point for working on mistakes. Whereas endless self-examination and self-flagellation not only harm self-esteem, but also prevent you from seeing the strengths in yourself and others.
Don't feel the context
Everyone has troubles or a bad mood. It will not be possible to communicate with a person on such days: at best, he will respond sluggishly or remain silent, at worst, he will bark or be rude. Understanding the mood of your interlocutor is a very useful skill that will help both at work and in your personal life.
By paying attention to facial expressions, gaze, gestures, we can draw a conclusion about a person’s mental balance. Having learned to feel the mood of your interlocutor, you need to complicate your task and study a group of people: what topics are discussed in it, what jokes are considered appropriate, what is the accepted distance in a conversation.
This is extremely important now, when people communicate in messengers not only among themselves, but also in general chats: colleagues, parents of a class or kindergarten group. Feeling the mood of such a community and the context of its discussions, you can make many pleasant acquaintances or, on the contrary, become persona non grata.
Don't learn small talk
The relaxed manner of communication has played a cruel joke on many: it is not so often that you meet interesting interlocutors, conversations with whom do not boil down to ordinary chatter. Against this background, even rare but appropriate comments from a not very sociable person are well remembered. But the art of good conversation, like any other, needs to be learned.
The main rule of small talk is the desire to please the interlocutor and demonstrate your sincere interest. Practicing such a conversation is not always easy, especially for shy people, but by practicing this skill over and over again, you can make it a habit and achieve great success in communication.
Speakers recommend choosing general topics for conversation: weather, cooking, the intricacies of the profession, sports or cinema. Religious and political topics, as well as health problems, should never be discussed with anyone other than loved ones. In addition, small talk does not involve discussing gossip and rumors.
Method #2: Feel Unique
Stop belittling your strengths and comparing yourself to others. This is a sure way to stop being closed off. Set aside an hour for self-reflection. Take a piece of paper and write down all the good things you think about yourself. Write without hesitation, without underestimating your merits. Now take a bright marker in your hands and highlight those characteristics that distinguish you from others. Surely you have something to be proud of. Look at this list every time you lose confidence in yourself.
How to learn to accept what cannot be changed
We all experience sorrows and sorrows. From time to time, memories of sad events come to life in us, awakening the same emotions and causing pain; they follow us like shadows and suck the energy out of us. Whatever we resist persists. This, in a few words, is what happens when we refuse to accept the given and let it go.
Ultimately, we have only a very small degree of control over what surrounds us. But we can control ourselves. If a situation cannot be changed directly, let's change the way we look at it. And this helps relieve tension and relax.
By relaxing and detaching from the situation, you look more clearly and behave more judiciously. You get the opportunity to accept the current state of affairs as a given and move on on your own path.
This is what it means to let go. Letting go does not mean agreeing with what is happening, it only means recognizing the accomplished fact.
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Method number 3: do what is not expected of you
Doing unexpected things is how to stop being an introverted person. It's something like a rebellion, but in a good way. For example, are you used to dressing in a strict, discreet style? What about appearing in public in a bright and daring outfit? At work or in the company of friends, are you used to keeping silent? How about boldly saying what others are embarrassed to say? Does everyone think you're a boring homebody? What about going on a hike or an extreme tour?
Characteristic
Closedness has such signs as the inability to establish not only close relationships, but also contact with others in general. If someone pays attention and turns to such a person, it will cause him a lot of tension, anxiety and sometimes even fear. If these are innate character traits that symbolize closedness, then he does not know how to establish affection and be close to another person, receive his support and attention. Because there is a subconscious fear that his personality will be absorbed and destroyed, and he will cease to exist as separate and unique.
If he acquired it during his life, being subjected to a series of disappointments or betrayals, or becoming a participant in a traumatic situation, he will simply be afraid to open up to the world again. By avoiding relationships, he will avoid pain. Because there is an illusion that life becomes easier this way. But human psychology is such that he is a social being and simply needs intimacy and communication. I recommend reading the article about communication skills.
When communicating with introverts and schizoids, you will be able to notice that they rarely look you in the eyes, for fear of “colliding glances.” After all, this threatens that they will have to experience some feelings that, for various reasons, they do not want to feel. For example, out of inability to handle them, or out of unwillingness to feel them again. And sometimes, so that you don’t notice what they are currently going through.
When you try to have a sincere and heart-to-heart conversation, you risk running into a wall of intellectualization. After all, it really helps not to feel, as a result of which the conversation does not arouse interest and desire to continue it further. Inhibition is another sign that helps answer the question: “how to recognize a withdrawn person?” Yes, it’s inhibition, because the inner world is so captivating that it’s not always possible to switch quickly, and most often you don’t want to. In a company, he will be isolated, somewhere nearby, watching the others, as if “looking closely” at them.
Method number 4: work on your appearance
Becoming attractive is one of the key ways to stop being an introverted and shy person. After all, it is the lack of confidence in one’s appearance that often becomes the cause of the problem. But everything is in your hands. If you don't like yourself, start working on this problem. Join a gym, visit a cosmetologist, take care of your hair, tidy up your wardrobe. A person who likes his reflection in the mirror finds it much easier to establish contacts with others.
Allow yourself to be yourself
If you're invited to a football game and you hate the sport but go along because it might strengthen your friendship or romantic connection, you're going against yourself. Be honest with yourself and the inviter. Admit (first of all to yourself) that you don't like this idea. Pretense and the desire to please will sooner or later turn against you.
During our first date with my husband, he did not interest me at all romantically, I perceived him as a friend. I didn't care if he liked me. I didn't try to seem better than I really am. No masks, omissions or hints. He saw the real me and eventually fell in love. People are attracted to sincerity!
Sarah Fabian
coach
It's okay to be yourself. There are no perfect people, and you are no exception. But your flaws make you unique. Stay true to your thoughts and emotions. Live your life.
Method No. 7: Review your social circle
It happens that when a person finds himself in a new place or in a new company, he becomes open and self-confident. But, returning to its usual habitat, it again hides in its cocoon. This means that the problem is not in you, but in the environment. Or rather, in the people who surround you. If you are constantly criticized, belittled, ridiculed, or told that you won’t succeed, then it’s time to reconsider your social circle. Don't let people who make you feel insecure get too close to you.
Why is there nothing good about shyness and isolation?
Many people believe that isolation and shyness are characteristic only of children, and already in adolescence people become more sociable and relaxed. However, according to a study published by the scientific journal PsychCentral, up to 45% of adults experience problems with communication, and 7% experience real mental disorders, including depression, because of this.
Introversion and shyness prevent people from advancing their careers, getting interviews, and holding important negotiations. They are less likely to hold leadership positions and manage others. The situation is even more complicated for those who are among the aforementioned seven percent. These people are at risk for developing dependence on alcohol and other drugs.
- Bar 11 signs of alcohol addiction and tips on how to stop drinking on your own (it's time to quit, bro) List of signs of alcohol addiction and tips on how to stop drinking on your own.
In a word, lack of communication and inability to build the desired communication leads to dissatisfaction with life.
At the same time, shyness itself is not as dangerous as its consequences, which include loneliness. For example, loneliness is one of the factors of early mortality among men, and this is a scientifically proven fact. That is, a lack of communication, support and emotions from other people increases the chances of not living to old age by as much as 14%. This is directly related to the hormonal system, because shy people have increased levels of cortisol, the so-called “stress hormone,” which affects sleep quality and blood pressure.
Get out of your comfort zone
A closed person is comfortable alone. The obvious way to gradually get rid of shyness is to get out of comfortable conditions. Psychologists divide the process into several stages:
- Finding the optimal level of anxiety. Productive discomfort will force you to break habits without depriving a person of confidence. So, you can start working or doing a creative project without preparation. Finding your anxiety level is a difficult task. A person should be nervous, but not so nervous that they lose motivation.
- Movement beyond the perimeter. The basis of the technique is gradualism. A lover of European cuisine can try sushi, gradually moving on to Thai and other exotic dishes.
- Challenge yourself. By setting the goal of trying something new every week (the period is chosen according to character), a silent person accustoms himself to accepting changes in life.
- Spontaneous actions. They must not interfere with productivity or planned events. You can be bold by inviting your colleagues to change cafes for lunch. Refusal will help you overcome your fear of making mistakes.
- Preparing for social interaction. Knowing that you will have to be in plain sight, you should play out possible behavior scenarios in your head. This way he will feel more confident at the real event.
The purpose of the method is to shake up the brain and force it to abandon its usual schedule. But without compromising work and personal life.
Shyness in children - good or bad
At first glance, a calm, quiet child is a parent’s dream. He does not play pranks, he obeys his parents, educators and teachers.
Indeed, childhood timidity has certain positive qualities:
- the child is selective in his contacts, does not trust everyone, is cautious, and carefully chooses his friends;
- the child is away from noisy games that pose a health hazard;
- Timid children compensate for their lack of communication with self-development, read a lot, and are successful in their studies;
- Timid children approach solving their problems especially carefully, carefully and attentively.
However, this behavior can be dangerous for the child. It causes him considerable discomfort. Behind shyness, a child often hides fear and anxiety, so he refuses to answer in class and does not speak publicly.
Important! Shyness manifests itself in children with complexes and lack of self-confidence. In the future, such a child will become indecisive and will not be able to achieve success and live a full life.
Smile more often
It's about natural expression. It is worth practicing in front of a mirror to see the muscles involved in a smile. The best way is to remember pleasant moments, such as playing with a child, funny behavior of a pet, or a small win in the lottery. Positive emotions will help overcome sadness and get rid of this obsessive feeling. With additional stimulation (career success, sports achievements, etc.), practice will help you smile without preparation.
More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.
This is interesting! Two groups of people were shown photos of 45 smiling female models. The first group rated the attractiveness and intensity of each smile as neutral, not very intense, or very intense. The second assessed how trustworthy the woman was. The results confirmed the strong relationship between smiling and trust.
Visualize Success
The technique helps treat anxiety and increase self-esteem. For mental visualization, 5-10 minutes of daily work is enough.
If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .
A person needs to imagine:
- A cinema where he is the only spectator watching his own successes on the screen. Details are presented: clothing, ambient sounds, facial expressions and indoor climate.
- Move to the movie. The viewer approaches the screen, opens the door, and becomes a participant in the plot. This deepens the perception of visualization.
- Return. After leaving the film, the person sits back in the chair. He then shrinks the screen to the size of a cracker and eats it so that all the cells absorb the success shown.
The method helps complex individuals calm down before important or everyday tasks.
Accept your fears
Fear is a normal reaction of the body, programmed by evolution. Fear helps creatures survive by preventing them from coming into contact with potentially dangerous phenomena. This principle must be accepted and used when analyzing reactions. By recognizing fears as normal, a person will more accurately determine the acceptability of his own behavior. Thus, he will understand that the fear of expressing his opinion to a colleague about the project is irrelevant - the action does not pose a threat to life. Therefore, this step can be taken.
It is also necessary to reconsider conditions bordering on phobias. Thus, a fear of heights that interferes with skydiving, in which the individual has no interest, does not require attention. If your condition prevents you from meeting friends in a restaurant with panoramic windows, you need the help of a specialist.
Stay selective with people
One of the advantages of isolation is a thorough “filter” of society. You will only become close to the person who proves his kindness and safety to you. And this is good. This way you are protected from dishonest, evil people.
Therefore, when you start communicating more, do not strive to establish close relationships with everyone. Stay cautious, just be a little more open. Then you will not miss the chance to meet a nice person and will unerringly make the choice of a friend or soulmate.
Psychotrainings
At seminars and courses, students are given concise information that helps them understand the need to rebuild their lives. Lecturers conduct group or individual consultations, forcing clients to interact with each other and change their routine.
The purpose of the events is to force participants to step out of their comfort zone.
