Life after a divorce from your wife: recommendations from a psychologist

It is not easy to survive a separation from a loved one, especially if it occurs not by mutual consent, but on his initiative. Therefore, many men are concerned about the question of how to survive a divorce from their wife.

Unfortunately, many people face this situation: according to Rosstat, about 610 thousand divorce proceedings are recorded in Russia every year. And if you are one of those who also recently visited the registry office for this reason, then below we have collected advice from psychologists on how to survive a divorce from your wife.

The vicissitudes of fate - it is impossible to be prepared

When life gets better (events are developing well in many or all areas), there is no reason to think about sad things. Moreover, even the accidental birth of such thoughts in the head does not find a logical continuation. The person does not want to allow even a shadow of sadness, refuses to feel the slightest negative emotions. This is a conscious choice, conditioned by experiencing positive moments: joy, happiness against the backdrop of financial well-being, an abundance of things, food, the presence of your beloved wife nearby, improving your own character qualities - self-development.

But life cannot stand still, and living infinite happiness is akin to stopping development. After all, changes happen only through pain. A person who is satisfied with himself does not need this. This means that you cannot get used to positive moments and expect them to last forever. Then you will have to regret it, but time is lost.

The death of loved ones is the worst thing that can happen, because something can no longer be corrected. In order not to be broken when the death of your wife occurs, you should not constantly concentrate on what you have achieved during your lifetime. We must allow the mental loss of everything we have. It is important to understand that death and life are two sides of the same coin. By denying one of them, you will never be able to achieve true happiness, because you need to go against nature.

It is impossible to prepare for the death of your wife, but it is possible to at least reduce the intensity of pain and feelings of guilt if you accept the likelihood of death.

Consequences of separation: we continue to live

Everything we have experienced no longer has any meaning.
Psychologists give good advice. You need to sit down, write down on a piece of paper all the bonuses you receive from your new status, and hang the list in a visible place (for example, near the mirror in the bathroom or at the computer desk).

Every time you feel an attack of despair, you should re-read this memo and remember not the disadvantages, but the advantages of your situation.

Everything we have experienced no longer matters. If it’s hard to realize and accept this fact, you need to find something new to do, change your environment, go somewhere, or remember an old hobby that was forgotten due to family responsibilities.

How not to go to extremes: step-by-step instructions

If a person experiences pain during a divorce, there is nothing surprising about it. If attempts to hold together a disintegrating marriage do not produce results, you should not try to act from a position of force and coercion, or commit rash acts.

How men cope with the death of their wife

When a tragedy has already happened, this event still happens unexpectedly, even if the woman was sick. The main question a man asks after the death of his wife is “why did this happen to them.” But there is no answer, which causes great agony. If the wife dies, the spouse, as a rule, rushes to one of the extremes:

grieves greatly, is detached from the people around him, from the whole world, lives alone, and at the same time accepts what happened, although he feels the pain of loss, but cannot fully survive it;
leads a wild life, but not of his own free will, but forcedly, because he cannot reduce the pain in other ways, so he tries in every possible way to distract himself from it, to drown it out, not realizing that this is a path to nowhere;
decides to throw himself headlong into work, tries to find in this way a way to create balance, the former balance in life, but hard work, both physical and mental, cannot eliminate feelings, but only pushes them into the background, only hidden living entails more serious consequences than external grief.

How to communicate

Unfortunately, it is impossible to immediately cut off all contacts. Often unresolved issues remain: joint business, children, court, division of property, etc. It is better to reduce all conversations to purely business issues, rather than personal experiences and accusations.

When discussing business, you need to speak calmly and politely. This won't be easy, so it might be worth inviting a third party. If you feel like you’re about to lose your temper, you should ask to postpone the conversation for a while or discuss it by correspondence.

Not all women know how to separate with dignity. It will take effort to succumb to provocations and offensive words. But this is necessary: firstly, a quarrel is a personal thing, and the relationship must be maintained as purely businesslike. Secondly, such words can only be her emotions that she wants to throw out on someone. If you take them personally, she will lash out more often.

You need to keep things separate as much as possible. It’s good if there are no points of contact at all.

Negative feelings towards your ex-spouse can be debilitating. Therefore, it is better to get rid of them, especially since it only harms the one who experiences them. Over time, you will be able to treat her simply as a person, and treat the breakup as a fact.

How to better cope with the situation without going crazy

Life after the death of your wife will not immediately return to normal; first you will have to go through all the feelings that arise at this stage: denial, resentment, anger, despair, aggression, acceptance. Depression is one of the dangers along this path. But a man whose wife has died can improve his life. To do this, you need to try to perform simple steps.

Do what you have to do

After the funeral of your beloved woman or spouse, you need to listen to yourself. The heart will tell you what to do next, how to relieve the pain, improve your condition. At the first stage after the loss of a loved one, such a desire does not arise. First you need to grieve, survive the death of your wife, accept this fact. Only after this will there be a need to live on, to change something. Until then, attempts to return to the previous way of life may mean exposure to pressure from friends and relatives who want to “help” and get out of oppressive circumstances faster.

You need to give yourself time to get through difficult moments. If you set a deadline (six months, 1 year, etc.), rushing will not lead to anything good. The grieving process should happen naturally. Exiting this state too quickly indicates the replacement of feelings, burying them at the bottom of the soul.

Your main support is friends and family

You don't have to try to cope with pain alone. At the first stage this is normal. However, soon the desire to communicate appears, you want to talk out, share memories. This is how the magnitude of grief decreases; a person quickly accepts what happened when he feels support. But it is important to find contact with those relatives and friends who can really understand the grieving husband of a deceased woman. For some it is father, mother, for others it is brother, for others it is a friend or uncle, or maybe a colleague. The attitude must be sincere.

Redo all unfulfilled tasks and fulfill unfulfilled dreams

To go further, it is important to increase the intensity of energy exchange. Among other ways, intensification of activity is noted. The griever should set a goal to complete all the things that were previously put off. But this is not enough to feel the fullness of life. We need to set new goals. For example, if there are unrealized dreams that were difficult to realize while married, now is the time to do so. You can go on a trip to an exotic country or assemble a car yourself. Such actions will inspire a man.

Let go of the past

As you experience the emotions, the pain goes away. But this does not happen right away. This feeling almost always remains, people learn to live with it, but the intensity of the pain decreases, which allows them to coexist in a new state. This is an acceptable reality, one can live in it without the risk of psychological trauma.

Silent pain gradually transforms into memories, leaving only a light trail of nostalgia and sadness. When stronger emotions remain, it is better to try to abruptly cut off the connection - move, change jobs, find a new occupation. This measure is effective if many years have passed since the death of the wife, and the dependence on the past is still quite strong.

New responsibilities

When a man is left alone without a wife, he has more time. After the first period of sadness has passed, during which there is a desire to be alone, apathy, you can consider looking for a hobby, new interests, and activities.

This will also help the grieving person survive the loss of his beloved wife.

Common mistakes men make during divorce.

The most common mistakes after divorce:

Hasty entry into new relationships or chaotic, numerous connections. In this case, the wedge cannot be knocked out with a wedge. A man very often after a divorce strives to start a new relationship, thereby proving to himself, his ex and society that he is in demand, stroking his pride, drowning out the feeling of melancholy. As practice shows, new relationships against the backdrop of old wounds and grievances will not be successful and will also fail.
Conflicts with your spouse, showdowns, and disputes will only lead to increased stress on both sides.
Self-isolation. Cutting off ties with society, friends, relatives, the desire to sever all social ties, self-flagellation, searching for a problem, soul-searching, endless analysis of the situation, isolation will only worsen your well-being and situation.
Alcohol, drug abuse and other types of psychological and chemical addictions.

Memory Page – Album for Memories

Preserving memories is one of the important tasks during the grieving period. A man, not knowing how to cope with the death of his wife, may get rid of her things after some time. He will think that this will help him cope with the loss and experience difficult emotions. But you need to do the opposite: the deceased wife should not be erased from memories, over time the pain will subside, and a desire will appear to leave something as a keepsake. You need to leave photos, favorite things, they should be preserved, for which you use a box or an album.

How to get your ex-wife back after divorce and is it worth doing?

Often, after some time, you are overcome by the desire to return everything, your wife, family, past. It is important to realize the sincerity of your intentions. If you are bored with your bachelor life, your numerous intimate life did not live up to expectations, freedom no longer seems so sweet, there is not enough care, you come to understand that your wife was the best, so dear and familiar, then perhaps you should think about it.

Do you miss your ex-wife or your family, everyday life, or serious relationships? Very often, having had a good time, a man tries to improve his relationship with his wife and wants to get her back. However, this desire is more often associated with the desire to have a family, simply a readiness for a new, serious relationship. And the ex-wife has nothing to do with it.

It is possible that you should try to start a new relationship, try to open your heart to another woman. It is extremely important to identify your feelings.

If you understand that you still love your ex-wife and want to reunite again, you need to identify the problems that caused the marriage to break up, because neither you nor your wife have changed over the past time, and are unlikely to change, that is, you will have to change your attitude towards certain things or behavior. Of course, it’s worth asking your ex-wife if she also has a desire to restore the family.

Just because someone doesn't love you now doesn't mean they never loved you.

Children are the best source of help

If a married couple has children, after the death of the spouse they will help fill the void left in the heart. During his wife’s lifetime, the man shared responsibilities with her in caring for the children, but after death, all worries will fall on his shoulders. However, there will be more joyful moments, because now you will need to spend a lot of time with your children. They will help you survive the loss: they will distract you from painful thoughts, increase happiness, and fill you with new memories. But first, an assistant will be needed to organize everyday life when the man continues his life without his wife.

If you have common children

Children have a particularly hard time when their parents separate. They feel like they are part of both mom and dad. Fathers, in turn, have a hard time worrying about the fact that his wife and child left - after all, this is his whole family, and he, unlike her, was left alone.

Parents will be required to create a schedule according to which the child can communicate with each of them. It’s good if, at the same time, they themselves rarely intersect: for example, on some day the dad will pick up the child from school or from relatives.

If the mother does not allow her to see her children, it is worth consulting with an experienced lawyer and, perhaps, resolving the issue through the court.

You can't let difficult feelings affect your children. Speaking badly about their mother will reflect poorly on them. It is much more important to reassure them of your love, to encourage them to share their feelings - even if you have to listen to the same thing a hundred times.

A breakup is a difficult test even for the strongest men. But if you control your feelings and make wise decisions, life will continue, and there will still be joyful moments in it.

Oksana, Moscow

How celebrities deal with losses

Death is a part of life, you don’t want to remember it, but sometimes you have to face the consequences. Famous people at different times had to think about how to survive the death of their wife:

Pierce Brosnan: lost his wife after many years of marriage, but after 7 years he coped with the loss, met a woman with whom he was able to build a family again;
Konstantin Khabensky: after the death of his wife he remained alone for a long time, he was very upset by her departure, but one day he realized that he was ready for a serious relationship with a colleague, his second wife helped Konstantin create new pages in the history of his life;
Keanu Reeves: he does not talk about the death of his girlfriend and child, prefers to keep the pain to himself, lives it in his own way - he walks a lot alone, communicates with the homeless, but recently the guy met another woman, for the first time in a long time he began an affair with continuation.

How to help your child cope with their parents' divorce

When parents divorce, children do not understand why mom and dad can no longer live together. It is difficult for parents in this situation, but the child should not choose who is more important to him - mom or dad. It is very important that the child feels that he is still loved, and that his parents' attitude towards him has not changed, despite the fact that they are getting a divorce.

It is necessary to convey to him that he will continue to see his dad, that his dad loves him as before. It is necessary to treat the child’s feelings with understanding, to support him in difficult times, so that he does not go into his own feelings and become isolated. He needs to know that he is not alone.

Relatives should under no circumstances speak negatively about the parents in front of the child and impose their opinion on him.

You need to try to maintain a good relationship with your ex-husband, no matter how difficult it may be. Then it will be easier for the child to survive the divorce of his parents.

New relationship after wife's death

People experience the loss of a great love in different ways. Some find themselves in work, others continue to live calmly, without stress, in complete solitude. But almost everyone sooner or later thinks about a new beginning, allows themselves to want a serious or at least fleeting relationship, to stop suffering, to meet the woman they love.

It’s often scary to think about this, because... a feeling of guilt arises. It seems that the death of his wife obliges the man to grieve until his last days. But everything is quite the opposite - the late wife would probably want the father of her children, who is going through a difficult period, to find a loved one.

Advice from a psychologist on how to cope with your spouse’s departure and start a new life correctly

Psychologists believe that the faster a person realizes that irreversible changes have occurred in his life, the more fully he uses the chance to rebuild himself and his world according to his own “blueprints.”

According to experts, you should:

be sad, remember, think everything over and return to reality. Understand that it is simply pointless to suffer for a long time;
sort out your feelings. It is also important not to hush up your problems and share your experiences with loved ones;
love yourself and forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made so that you never make them again;
feel your true desires and goals, determine your range of interests and discover new talents;
expand your circle of friends;
listen to yourself and experiment with your taste. For example, change your clothing style, vacation spots, and flirting strategy;
become as independent as possible: financially, in everyday life, in making any decisions.

It is necessary to give an outlet to energies that are destructive to psychological health - sports, tourism, yoga, art and a passion for cars and motorcycles are especially useful.
Psychologists warn that during this period the load is too great, so there is no need to be shy and, if necessary, ask for help from parents, friends, colleagues, or a psychotherapist.

A man after a divorce faces a number of problems. It is especially difficult for those who continue to love their ex-wife. However, after a breakup, you should realize your mistakes and find the strength to move forward.

Life after a divorce from your wife often gets worse. Psychologists and family counselors give a number of reasons why this happens:

The negative impact of divorce on men's health. This may be due to replacing good habits with bad ones, such as excessive use of tobacco or alcohol. Wives usually encourage their husbands to lead a healthy lifestyle. Without this positive influence, divorced men can quickly fall back into old, unhealthy habits.
When faced with difficulties, men are more emotionally dependent on their life partners than women, as they have fewer alternative sources of support. When asked “who would be the first person husbands would turn to for support when feeling depressed,” 71% chose their wife, while only 39% of women chose their husband.
Women cope with emotions after divorce much better. They find it easier to share their problems with other people and friends. Although they are usually in a worse financial situation than their husbands, marriage dissolution is often a springboard for their professional advancement.
It is not surprising that the initiators of divorce are most often women. Research conducted in 2009 shows that almost 70 percent of divorce cases were initiated by women.
Research conducted by Professor Stephen Jenkins (Chairman of the Council of the International Association for the Study of Income and Wealth) shows that men become richer after divorce. But Men's Health magazine notes that divorced men are more susceptible to heart disease, high blood pressure or strokes than married men.
Divorced men are 39 percent more likely to commit suicide after divorce and are more likely to experience alcoholism, weight gain and mental health problems. The reason for this is the male ego.
Men often feed their ego that the family rested only on him, so his sense of self-worth was associated with marriage. Divorce and an empty apartment ruins all this. The man begins to experience a loss of self-esteem. His ego rebels against the situation. It is his ego that causes him anger, depression, anxiety or despair.
Most often, the court grants custody of the children to the wife, who, out of revenge, limits the father’s ability to see them, believing that if he is no longer a husband, then he is no longer a parent. It’s hard for a man to put up with a question like this. Not being able to spend time with their children takes an added blow. This causes mental suffering or can trigger an identity crisis.
Divorce by mutual consent is always cheaper. But if it is not possible to reach an amicable agreement in a divorce, then in most cases the man must take care of the expenses: pay alimony, provide financial support.
When starting a new family, the financial burden for a man doubles. As a result, the standard of living to which husbands are accustomed decreases. This financial burden makes them more anxious and certainly weakens their well-being.
Representatives of the stronger sex do not seek help from others. It seems to them that if others recognize their feelings, then they will look pitiful and weak in their eyes. This inflating of emotions, as well as the demonization of men in a failed marriage, causes them to experience a storm of negative emotions.

Love never ends. First person accounts

My wife died two years ago. She is the mother of my daughter, we have been together for 20 years. I'm still alone, can't get over it. Moreover, my condition kept getting worse, I became angry, turned into a psycho. But one day, in a fit of anger, I looked at my daughter (she was 5 years old), she was very scared. And suddenly I remembered that it was me, her dad. But whether I was him at that moment, I’m not sure. Emotions began to get out of control. My wife wouldn't recognize me, I'm sure. When he left the room angry, he left the child in the corner by the closet for misbehavior. But after I realized what I was doing, I reconsidered the situation. It was sudden even for me, now I control myself.

Vladislav Rimsky

Akhmed Rakhimov

My son’s wife died, and there was no one to support me except me. He was broken, and it didn't get better for months. We spoke like men, but my child is impenetrable - he got it into his head that he was guilty. Then I remembered what they say in films. I decided to tell him this: “Look at the situation through the eyes of your wife. She wouldn't approve of that decision, knowing that you weren't actually responsible for her death." And after that he seemed to understand, he began to come to life - man, I’m proud of him.

Support, psychological help - this is the territory of my wife, she was the best in such matters. But now I needed to talk, and she wasn’t there. I won’t go to a psychologist, I decided to seek help myself. I found a psychological forum. It turned out that you can even write anonymously here. I created a post and immediately received dozens of comments. And this turned my grief - I was distracted, and also spoke out. After people responded to my post, I felt lighter. I stayed there for a while, came in sometimes, but didn’t write comments. And recently I noticed that there was a desire to support one guy, I shared my story, this also inspired me.

Denis Loginov

Why is it important to understand that both parties are always to blame in a divorce?

Let me give you a few examples.

After the wedding, the young wife almost immediately quit her job and became a housewife, and her husband did not mind. But at home she quickly became bored and lazy. Social networks became the only entertainment and consolation. She lost interest in her husband, as well as in her household responsibilities. The husband tried to rectify the situation, but it didn’t work out: his wife left for a man she met online.
Some time after marriage, the wife realized that her husband was a tyrant. Being an intelligent woman, she turned to a psychologist to work through her husband’s childhood traumas and correct him. I tried not to put pressure, not to throw hysterics. But everything worked exactly the opposite: the spouse, who was cherished and cherished, was even more affirmed in his own importance. He started drinking, then cheating, then raising his hand. The result is a natural divorce.
Despite the protests of her parents, a girl from a wealthy family married a simple guy. She helped him get a higher education, got him a good job, and raised his self-esteem in every possible way. Well, she raised him so much that he left for another at the first opportunity.

All three examples have one thing in common: at first glance, it seems that only one party is to blame for the divorce, and the other did everything right. But if this were so, it would turn out that one is always a tyrant, and the second is simply a victim. In marriage, everything is much more complicated: it is not just a union of two hearts, but also a partnership of two personalities. If the union breaks up, it means the parties were unable to find some kind of balance, and this is the fault of both. It’s just that the so-called “injured party” came up with a game for themselves that they played alone. The “victim” was simply not being honest with himself. Everything he did was for him, not for his partner. But playing with one goal in marriage does not work.

In a divorce, both are always to blame, period

The position and role of the victim itself is very convenient : I do everything right, and he (she) is to blame, but here lies the trap. If you don’t admit your guilt in a divorce, the model is transferred to the next relationship, where you will also “do everything right,” but no one will need it. Only by admitting your guilt will you be able to draw conclusions and avoid repeating mistakes in the future. You can learn more about guilt and shame here.

Psychologist's opinion: life goes on

Khalzanova Svetlana Borisovna

Practical psychologist

The phrase “life goes on” means that a person must make attempts to return to work, study, and loved ones after experiencing grief. But many people put their own meaning into such words: you need to forget the past, plunge into the present with renewed vigor, and actively build the future. Because of this, many mistakes are made. It is necessary to experience grief, but after this the person will need to fill the resulting void. From this moment you can begin to build a new life, preserving the memory of the past.

How to come to your senses and forget the woman you love who left for another man?

If the wife left not for her mother, but for her lover, then we can almost definitely talk about a final breakup. For the abandoned husband in this situation, it is important not to fall into despair and maintain self-esteem. Of course, a feeling of resentment and wounded pride can interfere with a correct assessment of the situation, but it is still necessary to try.

Psychologists recommend not to impose attempts at reconciliation and:

accept divorce as a fact and do not deny what happened;
analyze the situation and look at your ex-partner from a critical perspective;
give yourself some time to suffer, and then start solving some “global” problems (you can “conclude” a written agreement with yourself);
remove from your home all things that remind you of the past and avoid visiting places that evoke memories.

It is advisable to change your environment for a while and go on a short trip.

How to survive the death of your wife: advice from a priest

Father Vladimir

Clergyman

You need to stay close to your loved ones. If you need peace or need to have a heart-to-heart talk, your family will support you. Most often there is no need to advise someone who is grieving. Such a person needs understanding, first of all. Advice, sympathy, compassionate words - all this allows you to calm a person, but only on the surface. There is a lot of pain in the soul, it cannot be relieved in this way. But you can always come to God and talk to him. It can soothe the pain of the soul and give strength to survive difficult moments.

Reconciliation

To get your wife back, you need to make an effort. First, it’s worth remembering what she loves. Favorite flowers or coffee, in the cafe where you first went on a date. All this can touch her heart and soften her.

Of course, before this happens, it's worth asking to talk. And this conversation will not be easy. Something will be said to her in the heat of the moment, and this should be treated with understanding. The accusations are not facts, they are feelings she has. For example: “Your mom is always bothering us!” Means: “It hurts me when someone interferes in our affairs; I don't feel protected"

It’s important that the conversation doesn’t end there. You need to continue to make efforts to make your wife feel needed. Otherwise, she will feel like she has been deceived, and she may leave completely.