Parting with the woman they love becomes a tragedy for many men, but while some feel sorry for themselves or engage in self-flagellation, temperamental individuals try to drown out the pain of loss with fleeting romances or bad habits. However, all this will not help: it is better to follow the advice of psychologists who will tell you how to forget your ex-wife.
What happens to a man after a divorce?
I read the following story on one of the forums. Oleg divorced Irina after seven years of marriage. I became depressed, but soon met another girl and felt better. Irina found out about this and wanted to return him. Oleg did not give in at first, but the woman cried and said that she still loved him. As a result, the man believed her and broke up with his new passion.
At first everything was perfect in the revived family. The couple took care of each other, walked hand in hand and seemed happy. Only three months later, Irina left for someone else. Oleg fell into a depression worse than before. I tried to pour alcohol on her - it became harder. I tried to play sports and quit after a week. And for some reason, attempts to start a new relationship failed over and over again.
A year later, Oleg still thinks about Irina. Checks social media and gets angry seeing her photo with someone else. Oleg feels sick and bitter, but he doesn’t tell his friends and family about it. Men shouldn't whine and complain. So he doesn't whine. But he can’t get his ex-wife out of his head. And it’s unclear what to do about it.
In the world, about 15% of divorces are by mutual consent, all the rest are on the initiative of one of the spouses. In most cases, someone is abandoned. This is stressful and a huge blow to self-esteem. After all, if they left you, it means something is wrong with you. It means you're not good enough.
Due to their psychological makeup, it is more difficult for men to survive a divorce, and the process of emotional recovery lasts longer for them. Both the expectations of society and the characteristics of upbringing contribute to this. So it turns out that on the one hand there is mental pain and fallen self-esteem, and on the other hand there is a merciless society to which it is not customary to show these feelings.
In order not to seem like a wimp, a man suppresses emotions and tries to behave as usual. Defensive reactions are activated, which vary depending on the character. This could be alcohol, superficial relationships, or anger at your ex-wife, blaming her for all mortal sins.
Oleg’s defensive reaction was a new relationship. But they didn’t pass the test of strength. Why did the man leave his girlfriend? Because previous relationships remained unresolved. Oleg did not get over the separation from his wife, suppressed his emotions and ran away from them to a new connection. But unlived emotions do not go away. They go into the subconscious and influence our future lives.
A man pushes his feelings into the recesses of his soul and pretends that everything is in order. And then she doesn’t understand why she can’t forget her ex. In fact, he was simply stuck in one of the psychological stages of separation.
Let's figure out what these stages are.
First you need to understand the reasons for your breakup.
As old Philip Kirkorov said: “If you want to go, go, if you want to forget, forget.” In principle, his words sound reasonable, but only for those who really know what they want. However, apparently, you don’t quite understand whether you should go to her house and tearfully ask for a second chance, or give up on this idea and try to get over the breakup.
The solution to this dilemma can be found by analyzing the circumstances of your breakup, and the chronology of the relationship in general. In fact, the answers here lie on the surface, but not everyone is ready to honestly formulate them for themselves.
For example, not everyone is able to say to themselves:
“Yes, I was a toxic asshole who forbade my girlfriend to take an extra step, constantly monitored her correspondence on social networks, did not let her go out with her friends, and generally tried to make her my property, subduing her will and taking her soul. I need to reconsider my attitude towards girls.”
Sounds powerful, doesn't it? By the way, relationships where a man tries to turn his girlfriend into a weak-willed servant are a thing of the past. We live in the 21st century, and the union of two people should now be based on reciprocity, reciprocity, cooperation, love, respect and other important things.
And don’t even try to say now: “Ahh, and here they will impose their liberal values on me with an eye on the decaying West.” Liberal values have nothing to do with it, it’s common sense with an eye to normal relations.
So, returning to the circumstances of your breakup, I advise you to figure out why it all happened. To make this easier, I will give two embellished models of relationships, and you will try to understand which one describes yours better.
Stages of divorce
There is a classic concept of five stages of accepting the inevitable. These include denial, anger, bargaining, depression and actual acceptance. People go through them even after a breakup. But in reality, the process of going through a divorce is more complicated. Bruce Fisher, in collaboration with Robert Alberti, describes him in the book “Love. Reboot".
From the point of view of the authors of the book, a person goes through 19 stages of separation. These are a kind of blocks that form a mountain. At the top, freedom awaits man. But to achieve it, you need to work through all the stages and not get stuck anywhere.
Let me briefly describe these blocks.
- Negation. “This is not true,” “this is temporary,” “she will come back” are the first thoughts that arise after breaking up.
- Fear. A person is afraid of loneliness and the fact that no one else will love him.
- Adaptation. When our need for love and care is not met, we try to adapt. After a divorce, this can lead to an immediate search for a new relationship - an attempt to replace one person with another.
- Loneliness. Divorce is followed by a complete change in life with all habits, environment and daily routine. Everything the couple used to do together has disappeared. There is such a powerful loneliness that has never existed before.
- Friendship. Some friends will disappear because they will prefer to communicate with only one of their ex-spouses. Others will provide support and become closer.
- Guilt/rejection. The initiator of the divorce is tormented by feelings of guilt. The abandoned person struggles with feelings of rejection.
- Grief. A person is overwhelmed by despair, powerlessness and depression. This is a difficult stage where many get stuck. Our hero Oleg is stuck between grief and anger.
- Anger. Resentment and grief develop into anger directed towards the ex-wife. Rejection begins. Previously, you perceived yourself and your wife as a single whole, but now you are breaking away from her.
- Letting go. At this stage, it is important to stop wasting energy on dead relationships. Now is the time to get rid of your ex's things if you haven't already.
- Self-esteem. The person gradually stops self-flagellation and remembers that “actually, I’m not that bad.”
- Transition. This is a period of transformation. You begin to see the negative attitudes that you followed while living with your ex-wife. There is a desire to change them and engage in self-development.
- Openness. Taking off masks and accepting your condition. “I don’t have to pretend that everything is fine with me.”
- Love. After a divorce, a person feels that he is unworthy of love. Now this destructive belief is being overcome.
- Confidence. The stage of restoring trust in the opposite sex. It takes time and sometimes the help of a psychologist.
- Connections Searching for a new partner. It is advisable not to do this right away, so as not to project old relationships onto new ones.
- Sexuality. In marriage, a sexual partner was available. Now he's gone, but the need for sex remains. To satisfy her, you need to get acquainted again and go on dates. If you are afraid of such changes, it’s time to deal with it.
- Privacy. A person learns to be holistic alone with himself and begins to invest in his development.
- Target. The feeling of “it’s over” is a thing of the past. This is a time for setting new goals and planning for the future.
- Freedom. Peak. If all previous blocks have been worked through, a feeling of complete freedom from the past sets in. You are ready to let him go and make the new relationship more meaningful than the previous one.
The listed stages do not necessarily occur in the suggested order. You can work on several blocks at the same time. Keep a journal to write down the feelings and thoughts you are going through. All emotions must be realized, identified and lived - this is the only way you will completely get rid of them.
Next, I will tell you what methods will help you get through the period of separation.
How to deal with sad memories?
First of all, for the first time, it is necessary to remove from your sight and surroundings everything that reminds you of your life together with your wife: photographs, gifts, common things.
You should “close all gestalts”: draw up documents, receive divorce papers, resolve financial issues, remove property, settle in a new place, or fill empty shelves with your things if your wife has moved out.
If an attack of acute melancholy and sadness occurs, then you should not run away from it. Gradually, you can try to withstand these negative experiences longer and longer without falling into depression or alcohol.
In cases where you need to see your ex-wife, it makes sense to prepare. The joke “You should meet your ex well-fed, shaved, stroked and sexually satisfied” contains a wise truth of life.
Ways to help you forget your ex-wife
It is impossible to simply stop loving a person - it will take time. But you will help yourself if you think less about the past. According to the advice of psychologists, you need to reduce provoking factors and fill your free time.
Remove all reminders of her
The brain loves to build associative connections. Objects, places and even smells easily remind us of the person we associate them with. Do you want to forget your ex-wife? Get rid of what brings her image to mind:
- if you still have her things, collect them in a box and give them to her;
- Avoid visiting your first dates and family vacation spots for a while;
- delete her contacts on your phone and social networks;
- erase her photos.
A woman can try to remind herself, especially when she realizes that she is being forgotten. This is a common sense of ownership and selfishness. Remember what happened to Oleg? His ex-wife brought him back, but then left him anyway. Don’t repeat his mistake and don’t fall for provocations - don’t answer calls or messages in instant messengers.
Get rid of guilt
Since society places more demands on men, it is difficult for them to get rid of the guilt they feel after a breakup. But there are two sides to a marriage, not just one. Both bear responsibility.
Yes, you hurt your ex-wife. And she hurt you. This is the essence of human relationships. There is no need to carry this burden alone and engage in self-flagellation. Even if you were wrong, you can't fix it. But there is a lesson to be learned.
People have a great quality. And it lies in the ability to learn from your mistakes.
Take care of your career
Immerse yourself in your work. Ask your superiors to give you more assignments, start developing professional skills. Set a goal to climb the career ladder. Transforming the energy of anger and disappointment into the work process will help you not think about your ex-wife. A promotion and salary increase will be a pleasant bonus.
Join a gym
When we are in a state of love, the brain produces hormones of happiness and joy - serotonin, endorphin, oxytocin. Depression causes a drop in the level of these substances in the body. Sport will help fix this.
Buy a gym membership and work out your body. Exercise relieves stress and triggers the release of endorphins - you will feel more energetic. And at the same time you will raise your self-esteem, because your body will become beautiful and fit.
Find yourself a hobby
Now you have more free time. Why not spend it usefully?
Have you always wanted to learn English? Sign up for courses. Do you love fishing, but you couldn’t devote more time to it because of your wife? I have good news - there are no more restrictions! There is an opportunity to do things that you like. Take this chance.
Spend more time with friends and loved ones
Remember that you are not alone. You have friends and family who value you and care about you. Spend more time with them. Go out of town together, or to a billiards club, or just visit your parents' house and pay attention to your family.
It is advisable that others do not remind you of your ex-spouse. Ask about this in advance.
Go on a trip
A great way to reboot is to pack your suitcase and go on a trip. If there is a country or city that you have long wanted to visit, now is the time to do it. Fulfilling a small dream will add positive emotions.
New people, places and experiences will give the brain information to process, and it will not have time for unnecessary thoughts.
Exercises from psychologists
If you feel completely nauseous and can’t get distracted, try the following exercises.
Working with a diary. We need it to identify our true feelings and live them. When keeping a journal, start sentences with the words “I feel”:
- “I feel terribly lonely”;
- “I feel very angry towards her”;
- "I feel a little lighter today."
Track your movement through the stages of separation and do not suppress the emotions that arise - write them down. The diary will clearly show you that time really heals.
Letter to an ex. A useful exercise that allows you to get rid of everything unspoken. Take a piece of paper and write a letter to your ex-wife. Be as clear as possible. Express everything you feel, why you broke up, what didn’t suit you and what you regret. Then burn it or tear it up.
After a while, write another letter - with thanks. Remember all the good things that you want to say “thank you” to her for. It may take more than one month to mature for such a message. But it will help you finally free yourself from the past and close the old page of life.
List method. Divide a sheet of paper into two columns. In one, list the disadvantages, and in the other, the advantages of separation. For example:
- advantages - a lot of free time, no scandals, the opportunity to spend more money on your hobbies;
- cons - boredom, lack of sex, division of property.
Work on the list every day. Gradually, you will notice that there are many more advantages, and the longing for your ex-wife visits you less and less.
Model "Constant Confrontation"
A characteristic feature of this type of relationship is the constant confrontation between two partners who daily try to pull the “blanket” over themselves. When they don’t quarrel over one issue or another for several days, it surprises both of them. However, not for long, because a calm life together is not their theme, and very soon everything will return to normal.
“Constant confrontation” is accompanied by regular complaints against each other. For example:
- “You are talking nonsense again”;
- “You never pay attention to me”;
- “You are not at all interested in how I am doing”;
- “Why should we always do what you want?”;
- “Why do you constantly forbid me to do what I want?”;
- “You spend too much time with your boyfriends.”
This list can be continued endlessly, but I hope the main idea is clear. Partners in such relationships constantly experience emotional exhaustion, denial, anger, fatigue, irritation and a host of other negative emotions.
In addition, their discontent accumulates over time, the state of confrontation becomes the foundation of the relationship, and every day it becomes more and more difficult to change the established order of things.
However, despite the constant confrontation of both partners, their separation can be very painful. And subsequently, one of them suddenly catches himself thinking: “What should I do if I can’t forget her/him?”
Mistakes to Avoid
Let's remember Oleg again. Try to re-read his story right now and highlight the mistakes he made. Which one did you pay attention to first?
Right. Return to ex-wife. Why didn't his new relationship stop him from taking this step? Because the past remained unclosed, unlived. How would events have developed if he had stayed with that girl?
When a person enters into a new relationship too quickly, it often ends up “ricocheting.” Old feelings and attachments have not yet been released, old pains have not been lived through, and lessons have not been learned. And with all this burden we go into new connections. And we project them onto the new partner. And then we suffer even more and make another person suffer.
Authors of the book “Love. Reboot” suggests that people most often turn to a psychologist for help not after the first breakup, but after the breakup of a secondary “rebound” relationship.
If you feel that attachment and resentment towards your ex-spouse is still strong, do not use other women as a substitute. First, calm your emotions and put your inner state in order.
What else you should not do after a breakup:
- follow your ex-wife on social networks;
- humiliate himself in front of her and try to win her back;
- seek “salvation” in alcohol.
This will only make things worse. And then, you have self-esteem, don't you?
Advice from a family psychologist
Relationships are a complex process that you need to work on even after a breakup. To change your wife’s opinion and remain a man in her eyes, you should follow the advice of a family psychologist:
- Don't flatter yourself with hopes that your wife will return.
- Talk to your children at least 2 times a week.
- Don't talk to them about your relationship, for them mom and dad will always be the best.
- Avoid random meetings if you want to forget your spouse.
- Don't look for solace in alcohol; it's best to get involved in work or sports.
If you don’t want to feel the pain of a breakup inside you for a long time, but want to get out of this state and start living again, follow the tips listed above.
What to do if you have children
When you have children, it is impossible to break ties with your ex-wife. It will be more difficult to forget her. What to do in this case?
Your task is to reduce meetings to a minimum. Try to spend time with your children without her involvement. If you have planned to spend the day with your child, agree with your ex-spouse that you will immediately pick him up from school or kindergarten. Invite your children over for an overnight stay. When returning the child to the mother, do not linger at her home.
The article is nearing completion. Finally, I suggest you watch a short video.
What not to do
Desperate men can take extreme measures after a divorce, which globally spoil the relationship between ex-spouses, forcing them to make many mistakes. Let's look at what not to do after a divorce;
- Blackmail your wife with the idea that you will take her children away.
- To persecute, threatening with violence.
- Persuade children not to want to live with their mother.
- Immediately build relationships with other women if you want to save your family.
If you don’t make these mistakes, then there is a chance to renew your relationship with your spouse. You can experience the situation in different ways, but do not take revenge on your wife, do not threaten her and behave in such a way that she herself wants to return to you.
The psychological side of dependence on a person
Psychological dependence on a loved one is not always noticeable at first glance; most often its vivid expression appears after separation.
This condition is characterized by the suppression of personal interests for the sake of the well-being of a loved one. The most common type of dependence is one-sided, when the weaker partner puts his goals in the background.
In marriage, lovers literally share interests between two, trying to meet their partner’s expectations.
Most often, this is done unconsciously. After a divorce, the state of dependence manifests itself most clearly. A person does not understand what to do with a large amount of free time, the realization of long-forgotten desires and goals. Awareness of this condition comes after a loved one abruptly decides to get a divorce.
The first step to solving a problem is recognizing it. It is important to position yourself as an individual, expand your range of interests and define your personal space. This will help get rid of the unpleasant feeling of dependence on a person who is not nearby. Otherwise, you need to contact a professional psychologist.
Thank you lists
When you're sad, it's easy to lose sight of the good things in your life. Let working with grief and living through negative feelings not blind you to existing resources and benefits. You need to lean on them while you do the difficult emotional work. This self-help technique will help you compensate for stress and emerge from difficult experiences. Every day, write down what you are grateful for today.
Thoughts of gratitude do not lessen your sadness for the lost relationship. Rather, they balance negative feelings.
When you're sad or stressed, gratitude lists can give you a boost because they remind you of the resources you already have in your life—which makes it worth fighting for. Write down what you are grateful for and watch your lists get longer.
