How to resolve interpersonal and intrapersonal conflicts: basic strategies, techniques and rules of behavior

Hello all readers! Lyudmila Redkina is with you, and today we will discuss a very interesting topic. When I was in my fifth year, we had the subject “Conflictology,” we looked at various sensitive conflicts, and many were even quickly resolved. And there are so many people among us who have been suffering for years because of unresolved situations. Even more are those who suffer from intrapersonal conflicts. This article will talk about how to resolve conflicts, who or what can help with this, what to do if the conflict is extremely difficult to resolve.

What is conflict and what types are there?

Conflict is a word of Latin origin that means a clash of interests, opinions, tendencies, saturated with strong emotional experiences, most often negative. Psychologists focus on the fact that if such a collision has already occurred, then it only brings destruction and negativity. Therefore, conflicts need to be resolved immediately, the sooner the better.

But there are studies that admit that a clash of interests also leads to positive results, like “truth is born in disputes.” For example, W. Lincoln argues that conflict leads to accelerated self-awareness, the search and unification of like-minded people, helps to set priorities and acquire new working contacts.

Well, I don’t think there’s any need to tell you about the negative impact; everyone has experienced it themselves at least once.

There are many classifications of such collisions; let’s leave all the details to the specialists, and I will describe only the main types:

1. Between groups, within groups, between individuals and within one individual.
2. Horizontal, vertical, mixed - they are defined according to the vertical of power and subordination.
3. Constructive, destructive.
4. Subjective and objective are divided according to the reasons for their occurrence.

I would like to pay attention to another classification - Deutsch, this is closer to human psychological processes:

• genuine - your partner broke your favorite cup - is recognized by everyone, perceived as it is: he repents, you are angry;
• accidental - you were late for a meeting because the bus was canceled - depends on circumstances that easily change, a feeling remains, but is not always realized;
• displaced - a dispute between employees about a scheme - behind it lies another conflict, which is at the basis of this (for example, an employee is pushing the first one);
• incorrectly assigned - the sister does not allow her to wear her shoes - the first does not understand why, the second does not understand why not, arises on the basis of an erroneous understanding of the situation;
• latent - should have been there a long time ago, but does not arise, since the parties are not aware of it - the son does not go to “his bread” at 35 years old, his parents protect him;
• false - one looked wrong, the second answered wrong - exists only because there is no understanding, that there are no objective grounds.

Unfortunately, at work and between children at school, the last 3 types of conflicts often arise. And they become surrounded by such intrigues that it is difficult to resolve them later. By the way, it is also often the case that someone is displaced, because it is difficult to forgive previous mistakes, so negativity comes out, perhaps hatred, at the first opportunity.

Look for ghosts

Imagine for a moment that ghosts exist. If you believe this, you will begin to notice things that you didn’t pay much attention to before (the sudden touch of cold air on your skin, the creaking of floorboards) and give it new meaning.

Try to include this kind of thinking in disputes. Look at the matter from someone else's point of view, even if it seems absurd to you at first. You'll likely notice things that you would otherwise have missed or dismissed as unimportant. This will help you understand your opponent better.

Where conflict situations occur

Disputes, disagreements, clashes of interests and opinions are a common phenomenon that happens wherever there are people. Where do you often encounter this kind of behavior?

• At school

Nowadays, children have become more bitter, and every now and then you hear about shootings, bullying and harassment. Attacks on the “dissenter” are repeated more and more often. Conflict situations occur between children at school almost every 5 minutes. There’s nowhere without them: someone realizes themselves, someone proves they’re right, someone wins a place in the sun.

But that's not even the point. The thing is that children are now not taught how to constructively get out of conflict situations. In a class where confrontation occurs, it is important to explain behavior during conflict, how to correctly prove your opinion and perceive the opinions of other people. Sometimes conflicts arise between a student and a teacher, and that’s life.

Although 30 years ago we could not even imagine that a student would test his license in front of an adult teacher. To counter child cruelty and teach conflict resolution at school, there are good books that teach how to teach children to resolve conflicts.

• At work

Often clashes of opinions occur between employees.
Experts have noticed that it is especially difficult to resolve conflict situations in a female team where at least one man works. We women are so designed that we want to please the opposite sex even without any hints. It is quite difficult to resist conflicts in the workplace, because everyone is for himself, everyone strives to show their professionalism and skills, show responsibility, and prove to management that they are right. Learn to work as a team without arguing.

Conflict situation at work

• In family

This, in general, is a separate topic, since any detective will say with confidence that most crimes happen on a domestic basis, that is, in families. Family confrontation, on the one hand, leads to an improvement in relations (if each participant is constructive), on the other hand, it completely destroys all blood ties.

In the process of clarifying the relationship, a wife can tell her husband and vice versa a lot of unnecessary things, “cover” each other with obscenities, and offend. But this will only aggravate the situation. Learn not to get personal, but to figure out the problem in the situation.

Disputes between teenagers and parents often arise. The reason for this situation is banal, described by Turgenev in his work “Fathers and Sons” - the conflict of generations. Quarrels with parents arise even in old age, when the “children” are over 60 and the parents are already under 90.

These are the main areas where clashes of interests and opinions occur. So what to do when your opponent is indestructible, but you don’t want to subordinate your opinion to anyone?

There is no cooperation without a conflict of interests

Since people cannot agree on everything all the time, when communicating, they will sooner or later encounter a possible conflict. But when they try to avoid such dangerous zones, they, oddly enough, find themselves not united, but more disunited. After all, without an open discussion of different visions and different opinions, they cannot be brought to a common denominator.

For example, your colleague believes that you need to agree to conditions that are not the most favorable for the company and sign an agreement sent by counterparties in order to acquire good business partners. You are of the opinion that, having caved in once, you will be forced to accept inconvenient and unfavorable conditions the next time, and no business cooperation will work out. Perhaps your colleague is right, perhaps you are. Perhaps one of you has valuable information that the other does not have - for example, inside information about a partner company or contacts with someone from management. You can find out only by discussing the situation. And the discussion in this case will most likely begin with the words: “Wait. I disagree. Why do you think this is a good solution? I think we should do the opposite, and here’s why.”

If both interlocutors are calm and committed to a constructive conversation, confrontation can develop into a discussion, which can turn into full-fledged cooperation (you will tell what information each of you has and make the best decision). Of course, less favorable outcomes are also possible: a third person - the manager - will decide everything for you, a colleague will not listen to you, and the like. But if you don’t show that you disagree, there won’t be an open discussion anyway—which means the decision will be made without discussion and, possibly, full information.

The manual on conflict mediation mentions an example where a divorcing couple could not divide a country house, built over the years of marriage with common money. The ex-husband and wife did not want to sell it and share the income and, of course, did not intend to own it together - this situation did not suit anyone. The situation seemed insoluble until the mediator began asking the spouses why they did not want to part with the house. It turned out that the husband sees it as a symbol of the family nest and is attached to the house as a place; he would like to live in it often and invite his common children there. And the wife was going to rent it out and live on the rental income. As a result, the couple signed an agreement: the man paid his ex-wife monetary compensation, while he lived in the house and brought his children there for the weekend. If a man had immediately given up the house without discussion, he would have felt wounded that he was left without his favorite home, furnishings and trips to nature with his children. And if his ex-wife had given in, she would have been left without a significant part of her income. Confrontation helped everyone defend their interests.

Managing Interpersonal Conflicts

It is not always possible to resist aggression and resolve conflict peacefully. It depends on some factors or reasons why it occurred.

Factors

The same Lincoln identified five factors that are at the origins of the confrontation:

1. Informational. A quarrel arises based on rumors, suspicions, that is, a lack of information. The person comes up with something, gets offended by it, and even resorts to open confrontation.
2. Behavioral. Unacceptable behavior of one of the participants in the collision. Here I mean unreasonable rudeness and aggression in relationships. Manifests itself through broken promises, self-centeredness, and apparent superiority.
3. Relationship. Something is preventing you from building good relationships. This may be incompatibility of social level, education, values, etc.
4. Value-based. Inconsistency of principles. For example, one partner “cheated” the other out of money, while the other, even in a nightmare, could not think of such a deception.
5. Structural. Circumstances that hardly change: norms of behavior, legal norms, hierarchy, power.

A conflict specialist in an organization, knowing these factors, can prevent and constructively resolve a conflict.

Strategies

Conflict management workshops describe two main strategies:

1. Partnership strategy. It is based on the tag “any conflict can be resolved through compromise,” and therefore takes into account the interests, opinions and needs of the opponent. At the same time, a search for common ground and opinions is being conducted.
2. Pressure strategy. In interpersonal disputes, a person focuses only on himself, his opinion, goals, imposing them.

Strategy of pressure in conflict

Techniques

To resolve social conflict, you need to use some techniques:

1. Take control of your emotions. If you turn on self-control in time, you can peacefully resolve all troubles and disputes.
2. Try to understand your interlocutor. For some situations, it is important to have a high level of emotional intelligence. Selfishness is not the best way to resolve disagreements. He will help, but in the end you will be alone. Better try to hear your opponent, even if you do not support him at all.
3. Ask questions before the starting point. Try to ask questions “why”, “why”, “what for”, getting to the core of the problem.
4. If you object, offer an alternative. This shows that your interlocutor's opinion is important to you.
5. Don't stop halfway. If you have already started to conflict, make it a rule not to remain without a solution to the controversial situation.

Methods

In psychology, there are 5 ways to resolve conflict situations:

1. Rivalry is the imposition of one’s vision, opinion, and interests. Constructive only with limited time when making decisions.
2. Compromise - mutual concessions. It's like a marriage contract that one owes the other and vice versa.
3. Adaptation - concession, surrender of positions, the opponent wins.
4. Cooperation - in other words, commonwealth - rivals begin to cooperate in an amicable way. Conflict experts believe that this is the best way to “amicably” resolve the problem.
5. Care – avoiding a conflict situation with minimal losses. But with this method, deep-seated problems are not solved, they only accumulate.

Some methods of behavior in a conflict situation

There are several proven techniques on how to resolve conflict.

Reception No. 1. Try to imagine yourself as a commentator observing a quarrel. Look at the conflict as if from the outside, and first of all, at yourself.

Mentally fence yourself off with an impenetrable cap or body armor - you will immediately feel that the barbs and unpleasant words of your opponent seem to break against the barrier you have set up, and no longer hurt so sharply.

Having seen from the position of a commentator what qualities you lack in a conflict, endow yourself with them in your imagination and continue the argument as if you have them.

If you do this regularly, the missing qualities will actually appear.

Reception No. 2. How to resolve conflict between disputants? This very simple technique often helps not only relieve tension, but also avoid confrontation altogether. You just need to step away or move further away from the enemy. The closer the conflicting parties are physically, the stronger the intensity of passions.

Reception No. 3. Surprise your opponent at the moment of conflict with a non-standard phrase or joke. This is simply a wonderful way to resolve conflict. It’s difficult to quarrel with a person who is in the mood to joke!

Reception No. 4. If it is absolutely clear that the interlocutor is deliberately provoking a conflict, insulting and simply not giving a chance to answer, in such a situation it is better to leave, saying that you do not want to continue the conversation in this tone. It’s better to postpone it “to tomorrow.”

Taking a time out will help you calm down and give you a break to find the right words. And the person who provoked the quarrel will lose his confidence during this time.

Recommendations for resolving intrapersonal conflicts

Intrapersonal conflicts cause a lot of problems for a person. They can destroy personality, but also lead to self-development. If you are overcome by negative experiences due to the contradiction of the structures of the inner world, then this is the place for you. In simple words, internal conflict in a person causes serious feelings, lack of self-acceptance, and negative changes in behavior.

Often such problems happen to a teenager, a lonely or creative person. But other people are also susceptible to such psychological problems at different stages of their lives. So, what you need to do for self-help, recommendations:

• try to understand what exactly doesn’t suit you; if you can’t figure it out on your own, it’s better to consult a psychologist;
• analyze how you got into this situation, what led you to it;
• formulate the “hearth” of the problem, discarding everything unnecessary;
• when you find out what haunts you, honestly admit to yourself what this state gives you, perhaps you will make some important decision;
• transform negative emotions into positive ones, creativity, relaxation;
• if you are not satisfied with your activity, try to change it or make changes to it;
• correlate desires, needs and opportunities, answer yourself what you are currently capable of;
• develop the ability to forgive and not be offended by people, it will be useful to you, especially in relation to yourself;
• learn to say “no” to what stresses you out;
• in the end, cry, it will help reset all the accumulated negativity.

When not to avoid conflict

But there are times when avoiding a conflict situation is not worth it, because it will help resolve the problem. You can consciously enter into conflict if:

• you need to defuse the situation by clarifying the painful issue with a loved one;
• there is a need to break off the relationship;
• to give in to your opponent means for you to betray your ideals.

But you need to remember that when intentionally going into conflict, you need to sort things out intelligently.

What should not be allowed during a conflict

In any situation you need to remain human, even in the biggest conflict. What should not be allowed in the event of a conflict of interests:

• speak criticism towards the individual, and not about the situation;
• assert that you are confident in the mercantile interests and motives of your opponent;
• characterizing a person’s condition is very annoying;
• show that you are superior to him, instruct;
• blame only one side for everything;
• exert physical influence;
• touch a person's nerves;
• remember old grievances.

Take responsibility.

A great male trait is to admit your guilt. And be able to find a compromise solution that would suit both of you.

Even if she is to blame, offer an option that will resolve the conflict and calm both of you. You understand what she needs to change or what not to do anymore. Tell her about this desire and give her the opportunity to change.

If you are at fault, admit it, don't make excuses. And then upgrade your relationship and yourself in it, without repeating any more mistakes.

If you learn to take responsibility in conflicts, then finding a compromise will be much easier. Always consider your girlfriend's point of view and listen to her. She says all this for a reason.

Minimize the time you spend arguing. Better make up quickly and spend it on sex.

How to be prepared for conflicts

We are met with disagreements at every step: your apartment can be flooded, you can be accused of something you didn’t do, you can be “loaded” at work for no reason, and more, more, more. If you take all situations to heart, this can lead to neurosis and other problems. Therefore, you need to be mentally prepared for all sorts of troubles.

The online intensive “Effective Communication” will help with this. It will allow you to learn how emotions manifest in other people in order to understand yourself and those around you. You will learn to manage your emotional reactions, manage conflicts and communicate harmoniously. The course leader is Oleg Kalinichev, known for his rich experience in the psychology of emotions.

Without conflict, it is impossible to sincerely communicate

Of course, you can try to avoid all controversial issues, differences of opinion and other “dangerous” places. But then “inviolable territories” appear in the relationship, which become more and more numerous over time. People who constantly avoid conflict become distant—be it a couple who is afraid to openly discuss issues of fidelity and flirtation, views on children and marriage, or financial problems, or colleagues who are uncomfortable talking about areas of responsibility and boundaries of communication at work.

To avoid such a development of events, it is important to remember: confrontation in itself does not lead to a break in relationships or even spoil them, although it looks very risky for some people. Open conflicts are often feared by those who grew up with harsh parents who used physical punishment, shouted, boycotted, or demonstrated that they did not love the child during quarrels. Such people have learned from childhood that going into confrontation means losing the love of significant people, and even jeopardizing their basic needs (if they quarreled with their mother, they were deprived of dinner). Learning to conflict (perhaps with the help of a psychologist or coach) is important for everyone - and we will talk about this in the following paragraphs.

If the initiator of the dispute is an aggressor and boor

If you are being emotionally bullied, manipulated or mistreated, follow these 5 strategies to overcome the situation:

Strategy 1. “Calm”

Express your opinion honestly and openly, and try to speak calmly, politely and kindly.

Don't try to defend yourself. Provocateurs feed on your reaction, so you should not get involved in the traps of a manipulator.

Strategy 2. “Psychological Aikido”

Agree with any criticism of your opponent. Very soon this will reach the point of absurdity, he will not stand your indifference and will leave.

Strategy 3. “Humor”

Laughter not only prolongs life, but can also change the entire atmosphere of a situation. At the moment when your opponent takes a deep breath in order to express something negative in your direction, make a joke to break the mood and change the outcome of the conflict.

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Strategy 4. “Taking care of the hedgehog”

Most bullies are people with low self-esteem. They disguise all their fears under their best skill - rudeness and rudeness. And this “hedgehog care” strategy is just right for them.

Give in and allow the offender to “win” the game. Have pity, support and empathy. In this case, he will soften, hide the thorns, and there will be peace.

Strategy 5. “Ignoring”

There is nothing more beautiful than silence. Use it if you are not ready to enter into conflict with your opponent and if you don’t need anything from him.

Don't show emotion and continue doing your own thing. Any attempts on the part of the interlocutor to express anything in your direction will end in disappointment. This won't last long, and the opponent will simply leave.

Before deciding what to do in a given situation, do not forget to assess the situation and the global meaning of the entire dispute. Not all conflicts are worth paying attention to. In any case, stay calm and remember about projections. And if there is an opportunity not to participate in the conflict, grab it and leave.

Safe words when communicating with a client

When resolving conflicts with clients, regardless of their type, watch what and how you say: some phrases will have to be excluded from the vocabulary forever, others will have to be rephrased. Together with Leonid Klimenko, the author of the program about telephone sales “It’s Leonid Calling!” and an expert in creating and growing sales teams, we've compiled a list of phrases you'd better forget.

Prohibited phrases:

• “You are confusing something”;
• "This is impossible";
• "You are not right!". Even if the client is truly wrong;
• “You should have done it differently”;
• “I have nothing to do with this/it wasn’t my shift/our supplier is to blame”;
• “You are lying to me!”;
• “I can’t help you”;
• “Read our website/catalogue/price list, everything is written there”;
• “If you don’t like it, don’t buy it. No one is forcing you";
• “You can’t please everyone!”;
• “Yes, our customer service is not great”;
• "I don't know";
• "You did not understand me";
• “I can’t promise anything”;
• "You must";
• "You are required";
• "Are you sure …?";
• “You ask too many questions”;
• “I’ll take care of you as soon as I’m free”;
• “It's not my problem”;
• “It should have been earlier...”;
• “What did you want for that kind of money?”

Use with caution, depending on the context of the phrase:

• “This happens often”;
• “You are the first to say such things”;
• “That’s what we always do in cases like this.”

Leonid Klimenko, expert in building and developing sales departments:

“I wouldn’t add frankly boorish phrases to this list like: “Don’t yell at me,” “What right do you have to talk to me in that tone?”, “There are many of you, but I’m alone,” “Complain as much as you like!” You can’t scare me with this!” - this happens too rarely. But suddenly someone still says that.

You can move the dialogue into a constructive direction by choosing more diplomatic expressions:

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How to teach employees to “put out fires”

Sellers, managers, administrators - it is their lot that falls to work with conflicting clients. Teach them how to behave in a difficult situation, and then your intervention will be reduced to a minimum.

For an employee to understand how to resolve a conflict with a client, he must understand:

a) The Law “On the Protection of Consumer Rights” and know what the client has the right to demand;

b) In the range and features of the product/service, to answer any question or counter an unfounded claim;

c) In psychology - then he will not take the customer’s dissatisfaction personally and will calmly follow the rules.

Draw up instructions with a clear algorithm: when you need to cope with a situation on your own, in which cases you should resort to the help of management, and when you should call security.

Turn it down

— Is it possible to prevent a conflict if it is about to break out?

— When you are inside, it is very difficult to monitor your emotional state. What can you do? The first thing is to realize that you are angry now. Next, calm down by any means necessary. Anything will do: sports, breathing exercises, walks. Having calmed down, lowering the degree of anger, you can then ask yourself the question: what hurt you so much in the words and actions of the “opponent”. For example, you can answer yourself that your husband does not consider you. The next step is to ask why you think so and give the answer: because he behaves in such and such a way. Let’s say he doesn’t bring flowers, doesn’t listen, or comes home late from work. That is, for you this behavior is a symbol of the fact that he does not consider you, does not love you, and so on.

It is then important to consider whether there may be other motives for such behavior. This will lower the level of emotions. For example, a thought may occur to you: he has a busy work schedule, so he comes late; maybe he doesn't know that I like flowers, and so on. When the degree of emotions is lowered, you need to choose a time so that you both are calm, not in a hurry, and just talk about it without making complaints. Not in the spirit of “attacking”: “You are so and so, you’ve completely neglected your family, you don’t worry about us!”, but describing your feelings: “When you come at 12 at night, I feel very lonely, I’m offended. At these moments it seems to me that no one needs me, including you.”

When you do not talk about your feelings, but accuse, it is very difficult for a person not to get into a defensive position, because to him the partner seems to be attacking and insulting, and he himself is an innocent victim. And, while defending yourself, you can deliver significant blows: “But you yourself...” The wife, who tried to “talk” like that, gets even more angry: not only does he offend her, but now he accuses her of everything. She also intensifies her attack. Thus, the conflict escalates, and everyone considers himself a victim. Therefore, it is important not to lead to this using the methods I mentioned above.

— Maybe we shouldn’t touch on “explosive” topics?

“If you don’t touch upon painful issues in the family—personal relationships, children, money, relatives, physical intimacy—then the tension will only grow.

It's a different matter when it comes to people not from the family circle. Now, unfortunately, society is split, and often even close friends quarrel over politics. Anyone can have their own opinion on anything, the main thing here is not to forget that you are connected by a common childhood, for example, a passion for fishing and so on. And you need to cherish and cherish what unites you.

But discussing disagreements with friends, unlike family, is not always worth it. When it comes to friends and colleagues, you should not try to convince them otherwise. If a person wants to impose his own views on the world on everyone, he should think about his problems.