How often in life do we hear such expressions as “be a person, do this...” or “be kind, help.” And we strive to comply, to keep the bar, because it is necessary. After all, we are GOOD PEOPLE! Without thinking that just being and really being kind are almost mutually exclusive concepts. How to consider this fine line?
I want to be good to everyone!
What does it mean? This means that you have a strong conviction in your soul. For example: “ Love to be good for everyone .” Beliefs are our (usually unconscious) attitudes. Which guide how we will live our lives.
All beliefs are divided into two groups:
Useful for us, helping us survive. And, unhelpful, harmful . Which hinder our effective survival.
What is typical is that the same belief can be useful in some situations, but in others it can be harmful. That's why it's so important to track your beliefs. Because understanding them gives us the opportunity to control where we can apply them and where it is better to abandon them. So as not to cause harm.
But let’s return to the “I want to be good for everyone” attitude. Where did she come from?
First reason
Of course, from childhood, from upbringing. For such a child, parents, grandparents, and educators often reinforced obedience, politeness, and friendliness. They said: “ be a good girl for everyone ”!
At the same time, there was a ban on expressing one’s negative feelings. Such as anger, resentment, anger. It was behavior that was encouraged when the child was comfortable and good. However, this approach to education leads to the fact that the grown child cannot adequately defend his boundaries. Doesn't know how to say no.
The second reason for this attitude is deeper
The attitude of “pleasing everyone” arises in response to some traumatic childhood situation. In which the child felt unwanted, unloved, rejected. And he was in unbearable pain.
However, the psyche knows how to protect children from unbearable pain. Inventing various loopholes. Which allow the child to feel valuable after all. Even though the traumatic situation broke this feeling.
The desire to please everyone, and especially significant people, is one of the options for mental compensation to gain a sense of self-worth, even if you are rejected, humiliated or abandoned.
And then you inevitably wonder:
Summing up
“By shining for others, I burn myself” - this is the motto, the life credo of truly worthy people. This is their way of thinking, which determines every action, every mental movement. Are those who constantly feed stray animals, treat them at their own expense, and place them in good hands, kind? Without a doubt! Is a young guy a good guy if he spares no time in taking a lonely elderly woman who lives a few blocks away from him for walks? And walk for free! Yes, of course he is good. Positive, best, best, most good - we can address these epithets to those who, behind their own deeds and plans, see the destinies of others and try to actively do good.
How to be good to everyone?
Surely, you have tried many times to use different options for goodness. They read something and tried to use it. Attended trainings. We grew above ourselves. You are trying to be for everyone:
- Sociable
- Attentive
- Dear
- funny
- Generous
- Helping
- Friendly
- Good
- Host
- Smart
- Pleasant to look at
- Non-conflict
Moreover, the task is always complicated by the fact that it is necessary to please completely different people. They have different ideas about what is good and what is bad.
One person may think that it is good when you are keenly interested in his affairs and mood. And another in the same situation may think that it’s good when you don’t pry into his soul with your curiosity.
A little about spiritual practices
Only by being an internally filled person will it be easier for you to give positive energy to other people. You can choose different spiritual practices for yourself. It can be:
- Prayers and the Orthodox Church
- Meditations
- Reading spiritual literature
Immersion in yourself helps you understand your inner spiritual states and find peace of mind. It also clears the mind of any negativity and helps to switch to the positive aspects of life.
Conduct spiritual practices in a quiet place where no one will distract you, where you can be alone with your thoughts. It could be your home or nature. The last place can provide an additional resource.
Photo by Pavel Danilyuk: Pexels
Also, going inward will help you slow down. Stop rushing. In the bustle of everyday life, it can be very difficult to stop and look around. It is in this state that it is more difficult to notice that someone needs help. It will also make it easier for you to praise other people. And this will create a new foundation for your relationship.
You won't be good to everyone!
Can you be good to everyone? No matter how it is! And it’s not at all about your personality characteristics or external data. The point is precisely that the people for whom we are trying to be good have different personal characteristics of their own.
Working as a psychologist, I understand how diverse and amazing the world of people is. How diverse is their internal psychological content? Everyone's individual experience matters:
- What kind of family did he have, mom, dad?
- What kind of friends did he have in childhood and now?
- What did he like to do as a child and what is interesting to him now?
- What are his own beliefs and attitudes?
- What is good for him, what is bad for him?
And we can certainly be good. But only for some people. The one with whom we connect will coincide. Let's approach like a key to a lock.
What part of people is this?
During consultations, I usually give the example of the Normal Distribution Curve. This is a mathematical model that shows how features and frequencies are distributed in our world.
According to it, about 14% of people will like us. 2% may even like us a lot. Even without doing anything about it. And, just as accurately, 14% of people will not like us. 2% - we won’t like you very much. At least we will work until we lose our pulse. The remaining approximately 68% will remain indifferent to us. That we exist, that we do not exist, is indifferent to them. Whether we try or not to please them, they won’t even notice.
Did you get the idea?
Examples from literature
Fiction is often called a mirror of reality. All processes, ideological and political, aesthetic trends and movements occurring in society, immediately find the most vivid reflection in literary works. Let us remember the novel by L.N. Tolstoy "War and Peace". Its main characters - Pierre Bezukhov and Andrei Bolkonsky - people, without a doubt, decent, honest, good people, throughout the entire narrative they think intensely about how to become better. For them, representatives of high society, coming from the most noble families, it was important not only to remain worthy of their great ancestors, but also to bring a new and bright beginning to life. To exist not only for oneself, but also for the benefit of others. “How to become better” for Andrei and Pierre meant: in what directions to direct their talents, knowledge, where to apply their spiritual strength in order to be as useful as possible to the country, state, and people. And the whole life of the writer himself, by the way, is also nothing more than a frantic search for ways to become “quite good.”
You can't be good to everyone
You don't have to be good to everyone! What do you need then? You need two things: to be good for yourself and to be good for your loved ones.
Be good to yourself
It’s not for nothing that I put MYSELF first, because it’s more important. Why? Because there is an unshakable psychological law: if you are convinced deep down in your soul that you are a good person, if you have order with your self-esteem, if you believe in yourself. Then, you automatically broadcast this message to the outside world.
And then those around you read it from you. After that, according to the principle of a reflecting mirror, they give feedback, the opposite attitude. Simply put, how we treat ourselves, how much we love ourselves, is how much those around us love us.
What should you strive for?
- Do a little “kindness” (or “niceness”, whichever you prefer) every day. Just get into this habit, akin to regularly brushing your teeth in the morning. Today it could be helping a colleague “appease” the boss, tomorrow it could be feeding a stray animal. Any, even the most insignificant little thing, is marked with a “+” sign.
- Regularly, in accordance with personal financial capabilities, for example, once a month, send funds to charitable purposes. This does not have to be a sum with three zeros, your concern is important.
- Listen to others and empathize with others.
- Abstract from prejudices and stereotypes, ranging from racial and national, to such aspects as religion and knowledge of language.
- Be more tolerant of people, especially of other people's shortcomings. Regardless of whether you are a believer or not, remember the phrase: “Who among us is not without sin”?
- Just love, and in the broad sense of this verb. Starting small - love only for family and friends - learn to feel the profession and language, small and large Motherland. Remember that a truly good person is alien to such feelings as irritation, envy and cruelty.
How to be a good friend to everyone?
Well, let’s say I convinced you that you will never be good to everyone . And then, you may still have the desire to be a friend. Let's see what we have here.
What does it mean to you to be a friend? Be useful? Come to help on time, on the first call? Be able to support and sympathize when he has problems and calls you at three in the morning? If yes, then I have sad news. This attitude towards friends suggests that one day they will sit on your neck. Because “they ride whoever is lucky.” The saying goes like this.
At the same time, have you noticed that such friendship is not valued? Or rather, it is valued, but only as long as a person needs help. But as soon as everything gets better for him, he disappears.
What to do? Perhaps it was not possible to be good to everyone. But you can remain good precisely for those who love you not only for your friendly help. Ah, he sees you as a person! Appreciates your spiritual characteristics. And, ready to communicate with you. Even if you are of no use to him, just communicate. At the same time, enjoying it.
Don’t rush to say that this is impossible. Think about the bell curve for traits. 14% will like us a priori. Our most important task is to weed out people who are simply taking advantage of us. And, leave those who see us and love us. For our own psychological benefit and peace of mind. The desire to be good for everyone is in the firebox !
Description of the qualities of a kind and sympathetic person
Virtue is characterized by many traits that manifest themselves in a person:
- Tolerance is tolerance and respect for any position in life without imposing one’s stereotypes.
- Loyalty is a stable state of affairs (relationships, goals) and attachment to them, without considering other options.
- Patience is a calm anticipation of significant events, meetings, purchases, or unyielding endurance of unpleasant moments (loss, pain, failure, separation, financial difficulties).
- Kindness is a demonstration of respect for others and a friendly attitude towards them.
- Politeness – having good manners when communicating, displaying good manners and education, skills of respectful communication with people.
- Generosity is mercy and condescension towards others, indifference to human shortcomings, sacrificing one’s interests for the sake of fulfilling public duty.
- Compassion is the ability to empathize with individuals who are experiencing difficulties in life, to put oneself in their place and share their pain.
- Responsiveness – the ability to quickly provide a service.
- Selflessness is a renunciation of profit and personal gain; a good action performed will not be followed by a service in return.
- Honesty is frankness and openness in communication, deeds and actions.
- Cheerfulness is a positive attitude towards everything – both small things and difficult situations.
- Willpower is a psychological state that helps you control your actions to achieve any goals.
- Reasonableness is the ability to select the right solution to a problem.
- Wisdom is the ability to use your life experience and acquired knowledge in real life.
- Justice is objective and equal treatment of everyone.
Is it good to be good to everyone?
Watch yourself. What happens to you when you try to be good to everyone? Just be honest. Are you achieving peace of mind? Peace? Do you feel better after this?
I accept the possibility that by pleasing another, you feel better for a while. But not for long. Why? Will explain. Because the need to be good for everyone and the strong desire to please others speaks of one’s own deep-seated lack of self-esteem.
To make it clear: imagine that deep down in your soul you firmly believe in your uniqueness and originality. And that you are good enough to be loved, needed and successful.
Now, think about it. If a person is confident within himself, then why does he need external confirmation? After all, it is the pursuit of external confirmation from other people that makes us so obsequious and “good”!
And how will you feel if you stop worrying about how to be a good person to everyone? Perhaps the enormous burden that you have been carrying for many years will fall from your shoulders? Because trying to be good to everyone is very, very, very mentally taxing. We spend a huge amount of energy there. And, as we have already found out, there is simply no point.
Author: Ekaterina Kholodova, psychologist. You can sign up for an ONLINE consultation with me via Skype, WhatsApp, Telegram, Viber
Stages of self-improvement
The main thing, according to the poet, is not to be in “holy ignorance”, not to turn a blind eye to the troubles and problems of the people around you, not to be indifferent, not to live in a “hut on the edge”. Keeping your soul in a “black body”, dragging it “from stage to stage”, like a convict, means not being afraid to inflict mental trauma on yourself. If you see injustice, fight it. Even if you pay for it. They offend your neighbor, the weak, the defenseless - intercede, don’t be afraid. Your own shirt is not always closer to your body. This postulate should be one of the first to be learned if you are really interested in how to become better than others. A restless conscience, anxiety for the world, for people, for nature also belong to the “work of the soul.” Your heart should not harden, become covered with a stone shell that cannot be burned through by the tears of suffering, sorrow and human disasters. But empathy must be effective and active! You can't go far with words alone!
How to stop being good to everyone
I hope that in this article I have convinced you that you shouldn’t be good to everyone . For many reasons. Home – it’s simply unrealistic, it’s impossible to be good to everyone! And, if you read everything carefully, then you probably have the right puzzle in your head about what to do in the future.
Get away from this. Hear yourself, tell yourself firmly: I’m tired of being good to everyone!
Ruthlessly give up your habits that please everyone. You need to understand that you have one life. And, it flows very quickly. And, over the years, it gets faster and faster. Do you want to spend it trying over and over again to be good to everyone, but not getting anything special in return?
A kind and generous soul: what kind of man is this?
The question immediately arises: are there still such things left in our time? Of course, there are many of them, because each is noble in his own way. Some may show good intentions only towards their loved ones, others towards the whole society, others feel sorry for animals and try to shelter them. The kindest person is characterized as a benefactor who helps in difficult times and does not demand anything in return. It is important for him to see enthusiastic eyes and a sincere smile - this is worth doing. They make you stronger, more spiritual and energetic.
To get away from this belief, you need to:
- Analyze situations (as many as you can remember) when such behavior bothered you
- Identify patterns (repeated patterns of behavior) that you have been using
- Starting today, track their appearance in your behavior.
- Watch them, block them
- Look what it led to
- You see that nothing terrible happened - Hurray! - We rejoice
- Reinforce by repetition
- And, MOST IMPORTANTLY, improve your self-esteem and self-love. Because the more sincerely we love ourselves, the less we need the approval of others. And, accordingly, you are no longer a person who wants to be good for everyone.
Conclusion: Don't try to be good to everyone. Strive to be the best for yourself. And strive to maintain warm, loving relationships with loved ones. Those who see you. Who appreciates you?
@Ekaterina Aleksandrovna Kholodova. My CHANNEL in ZEN - subscribe!
A kind and noble person: who is he?
Kindness is a component of morality, which means a sincere desire to do good deeds. They manifest themselves in saving a friend, an animal, or in performing a generous act for the whole society. Nobility always evokes a positive assessment from the public, as these qualities make you feel joy, happiness and lift your spirits.
A kind person is a person who lends a helping hand to other living beings. Such interaction is mutual, since one, through his responsiveness, increased his self-esteem and importance, and the other received a solution to the problem.
Signs of kindness:
- Surprise. In difficult times, someone may suddenly help you out, be it a close relative, girlfriend/boyfriend or colleague.
- Unselfishness. All actions are performed from the heart and without receiving anything in return.
- Sincerity. When carrying out a good deed, a person acts in accordance with his spiritual values and moral standards.
- Collectivity. It manifests itself when not just one individual strives to accomplish good, but a whole group uniting all its efforts. An example is charities. Their activities are aimed at helping sick children and adults, the elderly, as well as homeless animals.
- Demonstrativeness. Ostentatious actions are performed so that others have a positive impression of you. At first glance, such actions look disinterested, and this makes it difficult to unravel the real motive. People may deliberately demonstrate good behavior and their responsiveness to others in order to get into the right circle and gain trust.
Correct breathing
Very often we forget about such an important thing as breathing. But it is with its help that you can radically change your attitude towards a particular situation. For example, in a state of anger, you need to take three deep enough breaths for this feeling to subside. Yes, just three deep breaths can save the situation and put it on the right track. After this kind of exercise, you will notice how gradually the anger begins to decrease, and you no longer want to be angry at all. You need to remember one very simple, but very useful rule: all decisions must be made not in a state of anger, every word and action must be comprehended and considered. You simply must understand that in an excited state it is unlikely that you will be able to make the right decision and soberly assess the situation. Very often, when you want to express your negative emotions that are rapidly rolling over you like a snowball, you can take a deep breath and try to calm down, take a breath, so to speak.
