How can you learn to communicate with people and become an interesting conversationalist?

Communication skill. Sounds interesting. The rumor clings to something incomprehensible. Is learning effective communication the same as learning mathematics, physics, medicine, law, and so on? Yes and no.

Yes, in the sense that any learning is a person’s transition to a more ideal state than before. No, in the sense that such a subject is not taught at school and university. And there's a reason for that.

It is believed that this skill is trained “by itself” and a good environment is enough to master it. This is partly true. But besides the environment in childhood and adolescence, two more factors influence: genetics and conscious work on this skill in adulthood. Genetics cannot be changed (yet), but working on a skill is useful. But what exactly needs to be worked on?

Vladimir Tarasov answered this question in the webinar “How to develop communication skills and become interesting to others,” which took place on February 12, 2021 as part of the presentation of crowd training “Personal Management Art.” Below I present my lecture notes.

Content

• What determines the quality of communication?
• What is the most important thing in communication?
• Listening technology
• Hearing technology
• Micro-hearing technology
• Establishing a confidence distance
• Stories about yourself
• Questioning and interrogation technology
• Humor and irony
• Technology and types of non-negotiation
• Ending a conversation
• Answers to listener questions

We see that the communication process is curtailed very much. People talk to each other less and less. If you used to be amazed by situations when a young couple was sitting in a cafe and both were staring at their phones (it was like a symbol of a new era), now this is so common that it no longer surprises anyone.

That is, people gradually forget how to communicate. But if you can’t stop this trend for everyone, then for people who have their heads on their shoulders, for them it can be slowed down. That is why we chose this webinar topic.

If a person thinks incorrectly, then he cannot speak correctly. Today, lengthy discussions do not fit into the pace of time and the thinking of the future. Therefore, in order to speak well, you need to think well.

Training diction

To attract the attention of the person you need, convince him that you are right, agree with him on further cooperation, exert a certain influence on him and win him over, you must have perfect diction. Thanks to diction training, you will learn to correctly change intonation, clearly pronounce consonants and vowels, highlight important points with your voice, etc.

Diction training begins with proper breathing. If you breathe incorrectly, your voice will begin to break, you will take long pauses between words or sentences, because of which the meaning of the phrases you say will be perceived by listeners in a distorted form. This is why many famous speakers use speech or diaphragm breathing during one or another public speech, since they most often do not have enough normal breathing.

To learn how to use air correctly and restore it in a timely manner, you need to practice a specially developed system of breathing training. This activity requires a person to have iron willpower, great patience and perseverance, but it is worth it.

Once you have learned to breathe correctly, start working on correct pronunciation or diction. Turn on the recorder and read any text, then listen to the recording and evaluate your speech. Let a few people whose opinions you trust listen to the recording. Does your assessment match other people's assessments?

Analyze both your own opinion and the opinions of other people. Highlight the main shortcomings: pronunciation of vowel sounds without stress (weak position), incorrect pronunciation of soft sounds, loss or absence of certain vowel sounds, “crumpled” or “eaten” consonant sounds, incorrect connection of connecting consonant sounds, lack of clear pronunciation of whistling and hissing sounds and etc.

To improve diction, you should perform a set of exercises daily that are aimed at relaxing the muscles responsible for correct and clear articulation.
Start with the easiest exercises and gradually increase their difficulty. Proceed to a more difficult exercise only if you have completely mastered the previous exercise. To maintain the results already achieved, do not forget to repeat basic exercises once a week. We recommend: 11 effective exercises to improve diction in adults

How to learn to communicate with people

The quality of communication with others depends on the following skills:

• listening, hearing and micro-hearing;
• establishing a trust distance;
• clarification of the picture of the world;
• finding common interests;
• stories about useful incidents or about yourself;
• reporting emotionally memorable events;
• the use of irony and humor;
• maintaining the correct information tempo;
• the ability to hold back;
• the ability to maintain the face of the interlocutor;
• the ability to package a conversation and its result.

There are types of art where if there is no skill, then nothing will work (for example, physical wrestling). The joyful point is that in the art of communication, even if these skills have not been acquired, the very moment when a person remembers that “this is the way to do it” will already help.

Speech development techniques

If you want to find out how to develop your child’s speech skills, then use special literature. Experts recommend publications by the following authors:

• A. M. Borodich. The author touches on the issues of improving speech skills among preschoolers. The main attention is focused on the formation of coherent speech.
• E. V. Kolesnikova. The program includes teaching materials for teachers and working materials for children of different ages. It includes illustrations, games and various fun exercises. In addition to tasks aimed at developing speech skills, the program contains tasks aimed at preparing the hand for writing. The material is very extensive - poems, tongue twisters, songs, fairy tales, books and so on. The teacher does not have to look for anything himself.
• O. S. Ushakova and E. M. Strunina. The program is designed for teachers and adults who want to independently develop their child’s speech before school. It includes many games and tasks aimed at comprehensive stimulation of speech - sound, grammatical and lexical.

There are many techniques written by various authors. A speech therapist will help you choose a specific one, based on the level of speech development of your child.

If you are faced with problems of delayed speech development, then it is better to contact the NEAPL speech therapy and psychology center. Self-diagnosis and self-medication cannot be practiced. Speech problems do not go away on their own. Only an effective correction program will allow the child to speak on par with his peers.

What is the most important thing in communication?

Talk less, listen more

There is nothing new in this. Even in ancient times they said - keep your ears open and your mouth closed.

Draw information for a conversation from the conversation itself

To make a conversation interesting, it is very important to draw information for the conversation from the conversation itself. A conversation where one person tells what he knows, and then the other tells what he knows (such alternating monologues) is not a real conversation.

Real conversation occurs when a new subtopic emerges from what the other person answered. Then the conversation has unlimited food for itself. And here microhearing plays a big role, which will be discussed later.

Be not withdrawn, but not intrusive either

It is very correct when you talk no longer than the interlocutor wants. You need to say a little less than he wants to hear from you.

In addition, any conversation either brings closer or furthers the distance between people. She hesitates within the conversation. And it is very important not to press the distance, not to close the distance when the interlocutor does not want it.

In other words, the interlocutor should want to talk to you a little more than you want to talk to him. This is the correct position. Of course, if two masters meet, then it is impossible for there to be such a gap, only in this case the conversation will be completely equal.

The speaker is the seller, the listener is the buyer

How does the dialogue happen? The seller sold something (said something). Does this mean that the buyer bought what he said? Does not mean. He turned this product over in his hands and can put it back in place. It seems like I heard it, but didn’t take it into account.

He may ask a question, ask questions, ask questions, and then NOT buy the product. This is always a big disappointment for the seller - when he explained, told, proved, but his product was never bought.

But this means that when the seller sold the goods, he did not feel the buyer. I didn’t feel that he had already made an internal decision - not to buy - and titanic efforts were needed for him to buy.

Just as in a market economy the buyer is slightly higher in rank than the seller, so in communication, the listener is slightly higher in rank than the speaker. It also happens the other way around, but in general the situation is exactly like this.

For example, there is now a typical picture when an elderly man is talking to a girl (or sitting in a cafe, or walking somewhere on the street) and he talks and talks - it’s clear that he is selling a product. And I feel a little sorry for him, since it’s clear that the girl is looking somewhere with a detached look, she seems to be listening, but it’s clear that she’s not really buying the product.

Here is such a scene, it always hurts the eye, because a person tries, but he does not understand the other person.

What role do you most often play in a conversation?

Stage 2. Expanding your social circle

As strange as it may sound, to become more sociable, you need to communicate more. There are a few simple techniques that can move you in this direction.

Change your routine habits

Visit different stores, take new routes to work, dine in different cafes. Even during working hours, when going to the toilet, you can go up to another floor or go to the opposite end of the corridor. Every day you will see new faces, and this is a great opportunity for dating and communication.

Use social networks

Many people underestimate social networks, not realizing how often virtual communication leads to very promising real acquaintances. The main thing is not to be shy about inviting people to meetings, you can even offer to meet in a small group (if it is a group associated with common interests).

Don't mince your words

Often we limit ourselves to a simple “Please!” when we helped a colleague, or “Thank you!” when we received help. But it’s much better to say “Please! I’m sure you would help me too!” or “Thank you! And please contact me if you need help!” Phrases like these break through barriers and bring people together.

Combine business with pleasure

An interesting and exciting activity may well serve as a catalyst for new friendships. You can sign up for courses or trainings where there will be people with the same interests. Joint activities are an excellent opportunity to meet new people and start communicating. There are also special interest clubs that anyone can join, for example, there is a club for those who like to play “Mafia” in almost every city.

Invite and accept invitations

Like in the movie “Always Say Yes!” Do not refuse invitations when you are invited somewhere, and also try to invite someone yourself. This is a great way to become more sociable without creating an uncomfortable environment for yourself. You can choose how you spend your time. At best, it will be a pleasant date or a friendly conversation, at worst, it will simply be a valuable communication experience.

Don't be afraid to hear "No"

We are designed in such a way that every “No!” burns us. Therefore, adults experience panic fear of rejection and miss a lot of opportunities in life. But you don’t have to be afraid of the word “no.” Start breaking your usual behavior patterns. When you see a cute stranger (or stranger) at a bus stop, don’t hesitate to start talking. Even if the acquaintance does not work out, you will not lose anything, but will only gain valuable experience.

In conclusion, let's discuss such a simple, but at the same time such a complex question:

Listening technology

The technique of listening is to really listen and look like a person who is listening to another. Look like you are listening not only for the one who is speaking, but also for other people - otherwise you reduce the rank and image of the speaker. In this technology, you need to remember the following rules.

You must look at the speaker at least 20% and no more than 80% of the time

Why such percentages? Well, here I believe psychologists. It seems like they did a study and came up with the following theses:

• if the speaker is not interested in the listener, then the listener looks at him less than 20%;
• if the listener is only interested in the personality of the speaker, but not the content of his speech, then the listener looks at him more than 80%. Therefore, within this framework of 20-80 you need to try to keep your attention.

You need to think about the words of your interlocutor

After all, his information is unevenly distributed - some things are more important, others less important. Therefore, if it is clear that for the speaker a certain thesis is something serious, then you need to really think about this thought.

And it should be clear that you really thought about it - this is respect for your interlocutor. When a person doesn’t think, it makes a bad impression.

Before, when I started consulting, I often answered the question right away. If they ask me something, I answer right away. And then I realized that this was not right. In what sense is it wrong?

First, I need to think - maybe I’ll come up with something better. But that's not all. And if I thought, then the person understands that I thought about what he said, and not that I pulled ready-made recipes out of my pocket. Therefore, it is important to think about the words of your interlocutor. Sometimes, even if both are silent, it’s not bad for a conversation.

You need to support the speaker with your facial expressions

It is very important. I often gave interviews and remembered one journalist. She differed from other journalists in that she did not interrupt at all when I spoke. Only with facial expressions - she supported, was surprised, asked again. Such a dialogue, when one speaks and the other supports with facial expressions, I believe that this is a high class of journalism.

There is no need to interrupt the speaker until there is a pause.

Further speaking should be encouraged with interested anticipation.

For example, a person paused, and you feel that he still has something to say - don’t rush to speak, take this pause. This is all you need to do to be a good listener.

Why is it so important to be a good listener? The fact is that a good listener is much rarer than a good speaker. A good listener is someone who is interested in the speaker.

A good listener will make any non-talker talk and will extract interesting stories from anyone, because he draws food from the conversation itself. It is a higher art to listen well.

What you can do on your own to improve your speech

High-quality speech training is a process that must be supervised by a specialist. However, there are basic, initial steps that everyone can take on their own in order to see some first changes and, perhaps, think about later turning to professional training.

Breathing and warming up

The foundation of good speech is proper breathing, so watch how you breathe the next time you wake up. Usually, when a person is relaxed, when he has not yet jumped out of bed and ran to do things, the muscles that we need are working. So, try to feel them - what muscles work when you lie in a relaxed state? Do you have any tightness in your back? What do you breathe? I personally have not yet met people who, in a relaxed lying position, would breathe with something other than their stomachs - that is, the way they should breathe. When we breathe relaxed, moan, cough, laugh, our natural mechanisms work - we do all this with our abdominal muscles.

Many people who teach speech try to teach their students vocal breathing, which is not necessary, because speech and vocal breathing are different things. Yes, they have the same principle, but there are several nuances that are important for sound reproduction. The vocal voice differs from the speech voice at least in that it is more processed. If we all spoke in a vocal voice, we would sound like a caricature of an opera singer. In order for us to enjoy talking, so that the voice seems to pour out of our body, we need to take into account belly breathing techniques.

Right in the morning, lying in bed, looking at how your stomach breathes when you are relaxed, inhale and exhale “ewww”

with slightly closed lips.
Make sure that your chest does not move at this moment. After several “fuuu”s,
we inhale and exhale on “s”, as if squeezing the air out of ourselves with the abdominal muscles, all other muscles should be relaxed. Imagine that in your lower abdomen you have a reservoir of air (the air that we exhale is our potential sound), and you exhale all this air from the reservoir under pressure into your front teeth. Not in the top of the head, not somewhere in the back of the head, but in the front teeth and the sound “s”. And so 6-8 times, after which you need to get up and try to do the same exercise, but standing.

After you have realized that you are breathing correctly and there are no obstacles between your stomach and front teeth, we try to exhale along the same trajectory, without changing anything in the muscles, to the sound “m”

so that the teeth, upper lip, and wings of the nose rattle.
This is called a resonator - there are four of them in total, but since we only train basic things on our own, with this exercise we warm up the basic ones. The next step is to combine mooing with warming up the cervical and shoulder parts of the body, that is, when you breathe on “m”
, make several soft circles with your head in one direction, then in the other, up and down and left and right. Then we switch to the shoulders: we sound into the resonator and make circular movements in one direction on one exhalation, take in air - and in the other direction on the next inhalation. Why do we stretch our shoulders and neck? Because if they have any clamps, this also interferes with speaking well. For example, if the shoulders are raised, the voice does not sound smooth, but as if crushed.

Articulation

After we have stretched the body, neck and shoulders, we train a simple phrase: “Mom, mom, honey for us.”

, still speaking as if from the stomach.
With this phrase we learn to connect the correct consonant sound with vowels - we need to learn how to do this so that there are no gaps between “m”
and
“a”
- and then, finally, we move on to warming up the articulatory apparatus, doing articulatory gymnastics, warming up our lips and tongue and jaw.

Here are some of the simplest exercises for warming up your lips (you can easily see how to do them visually on the Internet):

— We stretch our lips with a “proboscis” and twist them from side to side. It is important to twist your lips and not work with your jaw - it is closed and does not help the lips, only the facial muscles work! We did this 8 times from side to side and released the tension, like horses do, with a kind of “pfrrr”

from the belly to the lips so that the lips tremble.

- Then we do the same thing, but now we move our lips up and down, also 8 times and also relieve tension.

“Now we turn on the tongue and, using circular movements on the inside of our mouth, we warm up the muscles of the cheeks and lips, and the tongue itself warms up. This is a hard exercise, the muscles get tired from it, but it is a wonderful fatigue. This should be done 5 times in one direction and 5 times in the other, pressing the tongue on the cheeks and lips. Relieving tension.

— After we have stretched the tongue and lips, we stretch the jaw. First, we simply knead the jaw joints near the ears with our fingers, then open our mouth so that the fingers fall into these parotid cavities, then we can move the jaw from side to side.

- There is another secret exercise - we take a marker, lipstick, mascara, pencil, in general, something oblong, and insert it into the mouth crosswise, clamping it with our teeth, checking whether the facial muscles are tense - they should be relaxed. In this state, we begin to say, for example, the following simple saying: “On Thursday the fourth at four and a quarter o’clock, four little black little devils were drawing a drawing in black ink.”

. Your task is to make the words sound as clear as possible, even in this awkward position. This will give you a great workout for your jaw, lips, and tongue, and when you take the marker out of your mouth, you'll immediately feel like you're speaking and sounding much easier.

In general, in the case of gymnastics of the articulatory apparatus, there can be no wrong exercises - do any that you find. The only point: make sure that when you start using your stretched speech apparatus, your lips do not become active and “dance” all over your face, it looks ugly, articulation should not irritate your listener. Look carefully at how quality TV presenters speak: they do not have excessive articulation, but their jaw opens well on stressed vowel sounds. There is probably not a single presenter who talks with his mouth closed and his jaw closed, but in ordinary life there are a lot of such people.

Diction

Diction can be thoroughly developed in just 3-5 days of classes, if you devote at least 2 minutes of your time daily to articulation exercises and pure speech. Pure twisters are special phrases and phrases, the same as tongue twisters, but we use them not to speak quickly, but to speak clearly.

An example of a pure saying: “There is a priest on a head, a cap on the priest, a head under the priest, and a priest under a cap.”

. Quite often, when people say it for the first time, they “swallow” half the sounds. Say this pure phrase, pronouncing the endings clearly and distinctly (you can record yourself on a voice recorder to listen from the outside). Next, pay attention to how you pronounce stressed vowels. They should be a little longer in sound and fuller of sound than other sounds. Stressed vowels are the core of a word; they are responsible for its volume and beauty.

And one more point that needs to be noted is fluency of speech: try to speak each phrase as one word, as a single structure. Words should flow one into another, you need to speak in perspective, and not put periods after each word.

Speech training does not belong to the category of processes that must be done in childhood. If you were not taught to speak correctly in childhood, this does not mean that you should give up on good speech, because a person has the opportunity to work with his voice at any age.

Hearing technology

You need to hear everything that is said

This means simply physically hearing. To do this, you must first of all not be distracted. A person is mainly distracted by some visual temptations and distracted by his thoughts.

Moreover, he is distracted by his thoughts in different ways. Sometimes it’s simply because the person is talking rather boringly and you don’t want to waste time. But sometimes it’s the other way around - he says something so important that you immediately have your own thought, you want to think about it further and you get distracted, you don’t hear what the person said next.

In this case, it is important for the one who is speaking to feel it and give the person a pause to think about some of the words.

You need to understand what is being said

Not only to hear in the sense that you can repeat what was said, but also to understand what is being said. And this is more difficult - you have to strain, sometimes ask again. You have to pack everything that is said in your head.

When you listen, there must also be a parallel process of memorization. A normal person remembers well the essence of what is said if he was able to pack it in his head - compactly, briefly, most importantly, and all this while listening.

Therefore, during pauses, you need to compactly retell what you heard, and sometimes even specifically stop the speaker, retell the essence of what was said and get confirmation that you understood everything correctly.

Learning to describe objects

This exercise will help you learn to speak beautifully, express your thoughts clearly and easily talk about a particular subject all day long. Focus your attention on some object that you have in your home: a wall clock, a plate, a gas stove, a sink, etc. Think about this subject and try to talk only about it for 5-7 minutes. Try to use beautiful literary language.

At first it will be very difficult for you, but over time you will learn to describe objects in literary language. As soon as you see progress, complicate the task: gradually increase the training time and choose those items whose description causes you certain difficulties.

Micro-hearing technology

Micro-hearing technology means that you need to notice hesitations, pauses, voice changes, sighs, slips of the tongue, changes in facial expressions, posture, and sometimes emphasize such little things.

Sometimes you need to ask about identified accents

For example, “why are you so animated when you tell this?” This has twofold benefits. Firstly, the person understands that he was listened to carefully. Secondly, this may push him to some new story - very interesting, and sometimes simply important, from what he did not dare to tell you.

Observe changes in nonverbal behavior

Changes not only in facial expressions, but also in posture. You need to interpret this for yourself, and sometimes out loud. That is, you need to report your feelings on the behavior of your interlocutor.

Making assumptions about the unsaid

“Perhaps this is because?” It will be easier for you to remember if you expressed a version, but it turned out to be wrong.

You need to consider what is said that is confidential.

For yourself, you know what is best to remain a secret. But what is confidential for the interlocutor? Sometimes it's better to ask the speaker about it.

It is important to make sure that your retelling is better than the story of your interlocutor and that he liked it

When, after the retelling, he said: “Well, yes, actually,” you need to stop him after these words. The ability to retell is especially important for those involved in management consulting.

A person cannot be a consultant if he cannot retell a story about some events or problems better than he was told. He may not tell you in so much detail, but his story should make the main point clearer.

How to conduct a conversation correctly?

Remember that speaking and communicating are completely different genres. Always let your interlocutor speak out, but don’t be silent yourself. Feel free to talk about yourself, but do not rush to share too personal information. You can talk about your interests, leisure activities, trips to the sea, interesting events that have happened recently.

When asking your interlocutor questions, show interest in his personality, but also do not rush to ask about something too personal. Rapprochement always takes place very slowly, two people move towards this in small steps, gradually revealing certain details from their own lives. If you rush into this, you can instantly destroy the fragile trust that has not yet had time to form.

It is recommended to use open-ended questions so that the interlocutor can answer, flavoring the story with any number of details. By asking a closed question, you force him to give monosyllabic answers, even if he is in the mood for lively and interesting communication. To become more sociable, you need to understand that people love to talk about themselves, and you are guaranteed to please them by demonstrating sincere interest in them.

One of the most effective ways to develop your communication skills in a short time and learn to understand the hidden emotions of others is to study with a qualified specialist.

The online intensive “Effective Communication” will teach you:

• Manage your emotions and control impulses;
• Overcome difficult emotional situations;
• Understand the feelings and thoughts of the interlocutor on a deeper level;
• Communicate with your surroundings more effectively;
• Manage conflicts;
• Build harmonious relationships.

The author of the course is Oleg Kalinichev. Expert in nonverbal behavior, emotional intelligence and lie detection. Accredited trainer Paul Ekman International. Managing Director of Paul Ekman International in Russia (PEI Russia).

The online intensive “Effective Communication” will be especially useful:

1. Entrepreneurs, executives, top managers.
2. For those who work with clients, middle managers, and freelancers.
3. To everyone who is involved in raising children.
4. Anyone who wants to improve their communication with others.

The training consists of 4 blocks:

1. Emotions. Basics.
2. Emotional stability and emotional flexibility.
3. Social efficiency.
4. Building harmonious relationships.

How the training works:

1. Watch video lectures
2. Perform independent tasks to reinforce the material
3. Participate in webinars and discuss difficult issues
4. Take tests on the material you have studied
5. Complete the intensive course and receive a certificate

The cost of completing it independently is 990 rubles, with a curator – 2,490 rubles.

If within 7 days you decide that the course is not suitable for you, your money will be returned.

Establishing a confidence distance

It is necessary to establish a trust distance

To do this, you need to correctly build role relationships. Each of us plays many roles in relation to the other. You can be a neighbor, a friend, a bowler, or a creditor. And to establish a trusting distance, you need to choose those roles where the distance between you and the person is closest for conversation.

From there you can continue to act more easily. In addition, there are many roles in the conversation itself - speaker and listener, doubter and prover, and the like. And you need to move through the conversation so that the distance becomes closer and closer and becomes as close as it is comfortable for both parties.

Repeat the other person's name often, but do not overdo it

Be able to hold back

If we keep our distance well and don’t say something, this motivates the interlocutor to ask questions and close the distance.

The easiest way to bring distance closer is to talk about childhood

Tell your own stories, ask others’ questions. Why does childhood bring us closer together? Because people are a little afraid of each other, even close people - this is normal, there is always a fear of making some mistake, of being offended somewhere, of being misunderstood.

Therefore, if a person is questioned about current events, he is not sure that he did the right thing and he is responsible for his words and deeds. But he is not responsible for his childhood, and therefore fearlessly talks about his childhood. And this lack of fear of communication, after talking about childhood, may continue.

Completion

The most important thing to remember about learning how to communicate with people is to try to meet new people. Reading useful material like this article is just a help. You need to constantly take action to develop communication skills.

• keep starting conversations,
• be tactful
• polite,
• smile,
• take initiative
• maintain eye contact,
• ask questions
• The main thing is to listen carefully to your interlocutor,
• think about him
• be relaxed
• move forward and don't expect results.

So forget about what other people think about you and learn! Remember: we learn valuable lessons not only from successful attempts, but also from failed ones. Please share your experience in the comments.

Stories about yourself

When we talk about ourselves, it is important to maintain a balance between stories about successes and failures. When a person talks only about successes, he looks like a braggart. When he only talks about failures, he looks like a loser.

It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but there should be some kind of balance. It is especially valuable when he talks about some embarrassments that are typical for many people. This shows what conclusions you have drawn, and these conclusions can be useful to many people.

The same thing, as a manager, I advise using mistakes made as material for training subordinates. It is also necessary to provide side useful information in a conversation that a person can remember and it will be useful in life.

This is especially important in sales. So, the seller may not sell the product, but he can tell some things that a person will remember, retell to others, and this story will be useful for others.

Obstacles on your way

Even if you consider yourself a good listener and have a broad outlook, this does not mean that you will easily understand how to communicate with this or that person. First, some will have to defeat the “inner monster”: self-obsession.

Fear of communication is the same fear of being rejected, thoughts like “what will they think of me?” The secret is not to think about yourself. You need to think about your interlocutor. What is he interested in? What worries him? What mood is your opponent in? Switch your attention from yourself to those around you - and you will have no time left to worry.

Questioning and interrogation technology

What is the difference between questioning and interrogation?

First difference. Questioning is when a person asks the following questions based on what has been said. During interrogations, questions are asked that are in no way related to previous answers.

Second difference. The interrogator wants to be told everything, but he himself is not ready to tell anything. He says in his tone, “I won’t tell you why I’m asking this.”

Therefore, interrogations should be avoided unless there is a reason for them. And even out of curiosity, still not interrogate, but question. That is, there must be a justified motivation in the questions and the questions must be related to the answers to other questions.

Sometimes you need to use unfinished questions that give you the right to ignore them

For example, when we are not sure how tactfully it will be to ask this or that, we ask the question in an understated way, we outline the question, giving the person the right to ignore and move on.

Questions must be asked with information included

That is, in addition to the question, there is a story, some other important information that clarifies it.

We need to move smoothly to more risky and confidential issues

If the person answering the questions is not uncomfortable, we can get much closer. But it is important to remember one nuance.

If we asked some risky questions and a person answered them, then he sometimes needs to explain to us why he answered those questions that did not need to be answered (or he did not have the right to answer).

Therefore, it is very important to give him the opportunity to justify himself in our eyes and in his own, after such answers.

Sometimes we need to ask questions that demonstrate our incompetence

Such questions raise the status of the speaker. In addition, this is useful for us, and the speaker is pleased that he has made us more competent.

Sometimes you need to ask questions to help the speaker tell everything in detail.

Often a person is going to tell us something in general, he has no plan to tell us in detail, but if we show with our questions that we have the time and interest to hear the details, then he will be happy to tell them.

There are two types of retelling

The first is like a police report. Only facts, without any lyrics, without any “in my opinion”, “it seemed to me” and so on. The second is as a work of art. These are two different types of retelling. Ideally, you should own both.

When we talk about ourselves, it is important to remember Oscar Wilde's quote - “The secret to being boring is to tell everything about yourself.”

When you are telling something for a long time, you should not ask your interlocutor, “Are you interested in what I am telling you?”

Who's to say it's not interesting? This question makes sense at the beginning of a conversation, but not in the middle. To really find out if a person is interested, evaluate his behavior. If he starts looking at you less, it means he is losing interest in the story.

Everything you tell can be retold to a third party, and you don’t know who exactly

Or it can be used against you by the same listener when you quarrel with him. This is a very important circumstance. There is no need to succumb to the charm of the moment, so as not to regret it later.

The most effective tongue twisters for improving diction in adults

I wrote above about the importance of tongue twisters for the development of ideal diction for an adult. I will only note that after recording your voice, you must decide which speech sounds do not suit you. Perhaps it will be hissing or “l-r”, or other sounds. And in accordance with your observations, select tongue twisters that work specifically on them. And for prevention, you can train them all.

• The Ligurian traffic controller regulated in Liguria.
• The protocol about the protocol was recorded by the protocol.
• Don’t smoke, Turk, pipe, better buy a pile of peaks, better buy a pile of peaks.
• The angry widow put the firewood into the barn: once firewood, two firewood, three firewood - all the firewood could not fit, and two woodcutters, two woodcutters, for the emotional Varvara, expelled the firewood across the width of the yard back to the woodyard, where the heron withered, the heron withered, the heron died .
• Just as you can’t ring all the bells, you can’t beat them again, you can’t beat all the tongue twisters, you can’t speed them up, but trying is not torture.

Well, something easier.

• Tell us about your purchases, about which purchases, about your purchases, about your purchases, about your purchases.
• The bull was blunt-lipped, the bull was blunt-lipped, the bull's white lip was dull.
• The pig snouted, white-nosed, blunt-nosed, dug up half the yard with its snout, dug, dug.
• Advertising for grips has seams with coverage, but potholders without coverage have been snatched up.
• In the shallows we lazily caught burbot, in the shallows we caught tench.
• Their pesticides are not comparable to ours in terms of their pesticide effectiveness.
• We ate and ate ruffs at the spruce tree, we barely finished them off.
• Appreciates the flail cut by the braid.
• The hedgehog has a hedgehog, the snake has a squeeze.
• From the clatter of hooves, dust flies across the field.

Tongue twisters are good for developing memory and attention in adults, in addition to speech.

Tongue twister to improve diction

Humor and irony

You should use irony and humor whenever possible. You have to learn this, of course. To learn to joke, you need to make friends with jokers.

But, there is an important principle of using humor - men often laugh AT someone, and women TOGETHER with someone. So, for humor to improve relationships, you need to laugh with someone, and not at someone.

Humor can be tested on neutral topics. A good way to use humor is to slightly change what a person says in a funnier way. In general, humor should be used, but it should be used carefully, as it is a double-edged sword.

Now, when we talk to a person, it is very important to maintain the information rhythm.

The fact is that when we speak, we change a person’s picture of the world. If we don't change it, he gets bored. If, on the contrary, we change very intensively - one new thing, then another, a third - then he does not have time to somehow arrange these components in his basic picture of the world, and he also becomes bored.

Here you need to know when to stop. The picture of the world needs to change with such a rhythm - he said something new, the interlocutor processed it, and again something new. At the same time, you must remember that when you talk to a mass of people, they need more time to process information, since the reaction speed of people in large numbers is dulled.

Sometimes you need to use short remarks instead of a long story. They give a person more time to think. When talking, you need to remember a simple thing - you can’t be right too many times.

One tells what country he was in, another brings up a cooler country, one says that he bought a bag for $500, another immediately beats it with a purchase for $2000. So, you don’t have to constantly interrupt the other with your superiority - either in being right, or in money, or in connections, or in something else. It's annoying.

Also, you need to remember that there is information fatigue. It is important to take breaks, coffee breaks, rest or switch to abstract topics.

Where do communication problems come from?

Communication skills are developed throughout a person’s life, and there are several main factors that are decisive. Let's look at the most important ones.

1. Features of education. Every family has its own ideals, and often parents deliberately instill in their child traits that are not conducive to great success in life. They are proud that their child grows up modest and non-conflict , studies well, obeys parents and teachers. Unfortunately, such peculiarities of upbringing create certain difficulties for a person in adult life.

In addition, the child’s model of social behavior is completely formed by the parent’s example. If a family leads a relatively secluded lifestyle and rarely invites guests, the child simply will not learn to communicate, and in the future will experience certain difficulties because of this.

1. Negative communication experience
   . Children are very sociable and often face negative reactions to this. Parents ask them to be quiet, peers start making fun of them, teachers at school shut their mouths. The consequences of such an experience are quite obvious.
2. Lack of erudition
   . If a person has few topics of conversation available, becoming more sociable will not be easy. Therefore, it is important to constantly improve your erudition, read a lot, and take an interest in current events and news.
3. Character traits
   .
   There are several character types, and the level of sociability is one of their main differences. Thus, phlegmatic people are usually less talkative than choleric people. But if we talk specifically about sociability, it is more convenient to divide into introverts and extroverts. For close friends, introverts are usually open and interesting conversationalists, but communicating with unfamiliar people is not easy for them. If you are an introvert, then your difficulties with communication are understandable, but completely solvable. Read more about who an introvert is in a separate article.
4. Diffidence
   . This problem prevents self-realization in all areas of life. It is difficult for an insecure person to find a job, make friends and build romantic relationships. If this factor is present, you should start by increasing self-esteem, otherwise other efforts may be ineffective.

Well, friends, we’ve sorted out the basics, now let’s move on to the main part.

Becoming more social is easy

First of all, you need to understand that sociability is a skill , not a personality trait. And valuable skills need to be developed. This is accessible to anyone, the main thing is to continuously improve in the chosen direction. The whole process will consist of two stages: developing communication skills (i.e. the ability to communicate with people) and expanding your social circle. Without further ado, let's move on to the first stage.

Technology and types of non-negotiation

1. Non-speaking can be like a protest against interruption. A very good way. You are sitting in a group, talking, you started to say something and were interrupted. You start your own - they interrupt again. In this case, you don’t need to interrupt yourself. It's better to wait to see if someone asks you to continue your words. If no one asks, then it means no one is interested. If someone asks, you continue.
2. Non-disclosure also happens when everything is already clear.
3. Non-speaking is like a listening test - without finishing one story, you move on to another to evaluate the listener’s reaction.
4. Non-statement as a test for the acceptability of a topic.
5. Axiomatic omission - you do not say anything and do not draw any conclusions, and the listener himself makes the conclusion.
6. Intriguing omission - not saying enough to intrigue.

Books that improve speech and vocabulary

To improve your speech, you need to read texts on different topics. In this situation, speech is enriched with new words, logic appears in statements, and speech literacy improves. You won’t find a professor who couldn’t connect two words or said “here”, “there”, “tuta”, “Thursday”, “sERtse”. This is because books improve the rhetoric of speech and help formulate thoughts.

I have made a selection of books that can become for you lessons in the Russian language, literature, as well as an excursion into linguistics and other philological sciences.

1. Vadim Khrappa “From Adam’s apple to the apple of discord.”
2. Korney Chukovsky “Alive as life.”
3. Larry King: How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere.
4. Nigel Brown "The Oddities of Our Language"
5. Natalya Rom “I want to speak beautifully! Speech techniques.”
6. Victoria Volodina “Album on speech development.”
7. Lev Uspensky “A Word about Words.”

These books will help you improve your spoken Russian, and with their help you will determine how to use unfamiliar words for their intended purpose.

Exercises to develop communication skills

Communication is the basis of not only personal relationships, but also work ones. Communication training is useful for negotiations, team building, maintaining self-confidence, and successful sales. Communication is the foundation on which the success of any business rests.

Communication exercises and trainings are aimed at removing internal barriers. They teach confident communication skills, self-presentation, the ability to manage the flow of a conversation, find compromises, and negotiate. Collective trainings create a friendly, warm atmosphere of support and trust, which is necessary for the group to work effectively.

We have selected selected exercises to improve communication skills:

"Tell about…"

Goal: development of confident communication skills.

Each of the participants takes turns taking any object that belongs to him and asks him: “Tell me about your owner.” During the training, participants can ask questions from any field of activity.

"East market"

Goal: honing business communication skills, analyzing strategies for achieving goals

Each participant writes their name on 5 stickers. The leaves are rolled up and sent to the box. After this, everyone in turn must draw out 5 pieces of paper, and then each participant in the training must return the stickers with their name to themselves by any means.

The first one to collect a complete set of personalized stickers is declared the winner. The following is a discussion of the strategies used.

"In other words"

Goal: developing the ability to adequately convey the same idea in different words.

Participants are divided into groups of 3-5 people. After this, the presenter tells one player from each team a phrase consisting of 5-7 words. Each participant must convey the meaning of the phrase in other words to his colleague (not a single word should be repeated).

“For that guy”

Goal: training confident communication skills

Participants are divided into pairs. Everyone tells each other about themselves, after which badges are exchanged. After this, one of the pair members sits on a chair, the other stands behind him. In turn, each player is asked questions from any field of activity, the one standing behind must answer all the questions, regardless of whether he knows the exact answer or not. Finally, the person sitting on the chair must say the percentage of correct answers.

“How similar we are!”

Goal: development of contact skills

Participants are divided into pairs. Each pair must find and write down common traits and characteristics of each other as quickly as possible. Afterwards, each participant must choose another person and also find common characteristics with him. The winner is the one who first finds five common features.

After the stage of searching for common features and characteristics, a discussion begins:

• Was the exercise easy or difficult?
• How quick and easy was it to find commonalities with other participants?
• What helped you establish quick contact?

Exercises to develop communication skills are a powerful tool that helps you visually improve your ability to communicate in the shortest possible time.

How to become an excellent communicator

Photo: Man photo created by gpointstudio — www.freepik.com

Sincere and mutual interest is the key to successful communication. A person who wants to improve their communication skills should be able to:

Listen.

During a dialogue, you cannot interrupt. Restrain yourself even if you are bored. Children have a hard time concentrating on one thing, so encourage them to listen carefully to a YouTube video or a classmate's story about his summer adventures. And then summarize what you heard.

“Ask the person questions, but first look on social networks for some facts about him and his interests. The dialogue will become more confidential, and the interlocutor will warm to you. Control your body (it is better to avoid closed poses), fix your gaze on your opponent, forget about your smartphone at least for the duration of the conversation. Such attention will not go unnoticed. Remember, we all want to be recognized for our strengths and professionalism.”

Give positive feedback.

Everyone loves to be praised, but not everyone is ready for criticism. Even if you are forced to give a negative assessment, first thank the interlocutor. During a constructive discussion, do not get personal.

Lead a discussion.

In the dialogue, it is important to apply everything that was said in the previous paragraphs. It is advisable to keep your focus on the goal.

Support someone else.

Empathy is the most useful quality of the 21st century. You can explain its importance to your child using personal example. Remember how you supported him in a difficult situation, and how he felt about it. In this way, you will help to consolidate the cause-and-effect relationship: when we are sympathized with, it is pleasant, which means that others expect the same treatment from us.

“It has already been proven that young professionals strive to work in those companies that are actively involved in social policy and care about their employees and listen to them. A position of power using aggression and pressure, on the contrary, is destructive.”

Resolve conflicts.

If the situation has escalated, evaluate it not only from your side.
Think about your opponent’s feelings, the causes of the conflict and ways to resolve it. As for children, they usually easily get out of such situations and come to an agreement. Be an example for them, because they copy your behavior.

Prepare some talking points

Situations when you need to exchange a few words with a person happen often. And it’s good if you are naturally sociable and do not suffer from isolation. If it’s difficult to come up with a topic for conversation, use the following conversation topics:

1. Family.
2. Profession.
3. Entertainment, hobbies.
4. Dreams.

These topics make up the FORD method (family, occupation, recreation, dreams). Ask your interlocutor about this, and your small talk will turn into an interesting conversation.