How to increase self-esteem for a teenager? Psychologist's advice

October 28, 2018
Self-esteem
Blackwhisker Rose

Don't assume that teenagers are starting to define their own identities. Parents play an important role in their development process. During adolescence, children are very vulnerable morally. Any failure leads to self-doubt. It is very important to help raise the self-esteem of a teenager (boy or girl). Sometimes it is difficult for them to cope with this difficult task on their own. This article will provide advice from psychologists on how to increase self-esteem for a teenager.

Peculiarities of perception of the world depending on the child’s temperament

Adolescence begins at age 11 and lasts until age 15. It is at this stage that the child moves from childhood to adulthood. This period is also called “critical” because intense and dramatic changes occur in the organization and biological maturity of boys and girls. An individual characteristic of a minor, like other individuals, is temperament. It is he who often influences how a teenager perceives everything that happens to him. Temperament traits are inherent in a person at the genetic level, and they cannot be significantly modified. How to increase self-esteem and confidence for a teenager? The following information may help with this:

During adolescence, sanguine people have increased activity, are energetic, efficient, and easily take on new things. It is “difficult to knock such children out of the saddle.”
Cholerics are very active, unrestrained, hot-tempered, and impatient. Sometimes they go to extremes, their self-esteem either falls or rises.
Phlegmatic people are less sensitive and emotional. They rarely laugh and remain calm in the face of trouble. Phlegmatic people are more self-confident. Patience and endurance help them to control themselves.
Things are most difficult with melancholic people. They have high sensitivity and great inertia. This often leads to tears and resentment. Melancholic people often show self-doubt.

During adolescence, character traits are formed and consolidated. It is very important that the child correctly perceives everything that happens to him. Therefore, it is very important to monitor the level of self-esteem of adolescents.

When should you contact a psychologist?

Adolescence is an important and difficult period of personality development. Changes occur, both physical and psychological. The child is in search of ideals, achieves new goals, and sets priorities.

It is necessary to prevent low self-esteem against the background of so-called “shortcomings” and fictitious complexes. If you don’t cope with the problem in time, the imprint can be left for life: self-doubt prevents you from realizing your abilities.

It is important that parents give support to the child to create good conditions to achieve results. If parents understand that they cannot help their child on their own, then it is necessary to consult a psychologist for advice.

Consequences of low self-perception in adolescence

Often the mental and physical health of a girl or guy depends on self-confidence. Parents should not forget about this. Here are the negative consequences that low self-esteem can lead to:

resistance to stressful situations is lost;
a depressed mood occurs;
various fears appear;
the functions of the gastrointestinal tract are disrupted.

Of course, no parent wants this to happen to their child. Therefore, it is very important to help minors improve their self-confidence. Psychologists recommend tips and exercises on how to raise self-esteem for a teenager.

The role of parents in shaping the personality of a teenager

Often boys and girls demonstrate their importance in every possible way, but inside they have a lot of doubts. Every step they take into adulthood is difficult for them, and they show indecisiveness. It is important to help children survive this stage and learn not to get irritated themselves. Parents must properly establish communication with teenagers so that they do not express their importance through protest. After all, if minors are unable to communicate with their parents, then they violently splash out their emotions and may leave home. It is at this age that some people get used to drugs and smoking. The influence of the street is very great. It is important that children come home for more than just a sleepover. Teenagers really want to be leaders in front of their peers.

Every parent should know how to increase the self-esteem of their daughter or son. First you need to accept and understand your child’s position. Support at this moment is very important. Reproaches and comparisons do not always produce results. It's time to start looking at a teenager as an adult. Respect, a gentle form of communication, the opportunity to express oneself - this is what minors need.

Formation of adolescent self-esteem

Psychologists say that low self-esteem is observed in 90% of adolescents. You need to be prepared for this. Parents should know how to raise a teenager’s self-esteem and help him during this difficult period. Remember that parental comments and reproaches only further lower children's self-esteem. It is important not to harm them.

It is worth understanding what self-esteem is. It includes a teenager’s analysis of his physical characteristics, actions, moral qualities, and abilities. Self-esteem begins during adolescence. She goes through several steps. First there is a naive ignorance of what is happening, then there is a wavering self-esteem. The focus of teenagers shifts to what is hidden inside.

Self-esteem determines the social adaptation of an individual, regulates his behavior and activities. Sometimes an overestimation of oneself is formed, and in other cases an underestimation. It is important to find a middle ground here. No matter how much the mother at this moment convinces her son that he is attractive, he will harbor doubts if not a single girl at school pays attention to him.

We form adequate self-esteem for a child (up to 6 years old)

At the preschool stage, the child already has a fairly developed will and life experience, has mastered the basic safety rules, but still makes annoying mistakes.

Important ! You should not create a child with constant protection from dangers and a situation of success in everything and everywhere. This creates an incorrect perception of the world around us. Allow your child to make mistakes safely.

For self-esteem, it is important that the child does not hear setting phrases: “ You will fall !”, “ You will not succeed !” The process of stuffing cones should be structured correctly:

Warn the child about possible consequences using the formula: “Don’t jump from there. It’s high up there, you could fall painfully.”
Give the opportunity to make a mistake (ensuring safety).
If the result is positive, repeat the warning: “You did well, you did it, let’s try together next time.” In case of a mistake: “I really sympathize with you. I know you're hurting. But you and I told you that you can fall?”

This approach demonstrates to the child that his parents believe in him and fear for him, but are ready to support any choice. In the end, this choice turns out to be imaginary: the child will trust the opinion of mom and dad more than direct prohibitions. In the preschool period, this is a good way to manage behavior and form an adequate assessment of one’s capabilities.

Important ways to master the experience of adults at 2–5 years old:

observation of correct behavior, imitation;
visiting a kindergarten;
game according to age and goals;
technique “One boy...” (an instructive story invented specifically to study the situation)
fairy tales, folk and therapeutic.

It is fairy tales that allow not only to shape behavior, self-esteem and ideas about the basic processes of life, but also to get rid of fears! And games can work wonders if you use them thoughtfully and systematically, organize the gaming space and get sincere pleasure from the process.

Features in adolescence

The complex and contradictory period of formation of self-analysis in a teenager determines how successful he will be in adulthood. Good self-esteem will help you interact normally with the opposite sex, achieve your goals, and achieve success. One of the features of this period is that the authority of their parents begins to decline among minors. If peers see a teenager as handsome, smart, and cheerful, then he values himself. If peers react negatively to him, then self-esteem drops. Just don’t step aside, it’s important to help the child. During this period, children want to experience everything through their own experience. Therefore, advice must be very correct.

Don't compare with others

A teenager who is constantly compared with more successful, flexible and beautiful people does not know how to value himself. Instead of looking for and developing his strengths, he becomes fixated on the slightest mistakes. As a result, the child may lose motivation to do anything at all. After all, those around him, according to his parents, always turn out to be better than him.

Adults should learn to notice something good in their children and talk about it. All children are different: some get A's in math, others are excellent dancers. It is very important for a teenager to recognize and accept their own individuality, whatever it may be.

Self-esteem of a teenage girl

A mother may well convince her minor daughter of her success. How to increase self-esteem for a teenage girl? First, help her take care of herself. Take him to a hairdresser or beauty salon. It is very important for a girl to feel beautiful, well-groomed, important, and valuable. Just don’t force her to do it, find a way to involve your daughter on a voluntary basis. A great idea would be to have a photo shoot in a new look. You can send your daughter to courses on creating your own style.

Invite the girl to do some housework, where she will demonstrate her abilities. Take an interest in the girl’s school life and make sure that the teachers treat her well. Instances of humiliation and ridicule by teachers are unacceptable.

Praise for achievements

A teenager needs to be praised when he has really worked on himself. Empty praise only devalues real efforts. Reasons for pride can be both material and intangible. You can praise both for an A in school and for the fact that the child gave up his seat to someone on the transport.

If a teenager doesn’t know how to unleash his abilities, offer him some activity: music, dancing, crafts, volunteering, helping around the house, science courses. Maybe not right away, but he will find a place to prove himself. After the first success, the child will understand what he is capable of, and his self-esteem will rise.

Oleg Ivanov

psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Social Conflict Resolution

A teenager needs to feel your support and understanding in order to overcome internal fears.

Boosting guys' self-esteem

Teenagers often focus on their parents. So, guys can imitate their father. It is important to be a worthy example. Those who observe alcohol consumption at home may also become addicted to it. Even the level of education of children depends on the level of knowledge of parents. Your actions and deeds influence young men.

It is very important for guys to focus not on appearance, but on achievements. Inspire your teenager to do good things that you will later be proud of. A father can teach his son to fish, drive a car, or play the guitar. A young man's self-esteem will definitely rise if he can brag about this to his friends. If the child cannot master all subjects perfectly, focus him on his favorite one. Maybe it will be physical education, history or biology.

More praise, less criticism

The task of parents is to bring the child’s self-esteem as close to reality as possible. If you criticize your son or daughter all the time, their self-esteem will drop completely. Don't be stingy with praise. It is important to encourage any endeavors of a teenager. Never make fun of a child if he fails at something. Try to help him, give maternal or paternal advice, just do it unobtrusively. Encourage the teenager, tell him that he will succeed. If you don't know how to raise a teenager's self-esteem, show your son or daughter that you believe in them.

Forming the correct perception of criticism

Always show interest in the affairs of the minor and find out about his difficulties. It is important to properly teach him to accept criticism from friends or teachers. Explain to children that sometimes you need to admit your mistakes or defend your point of view in a cultural manner. Do not feel sorry for the upset teenager, but simply advise him how to behave in such situations. Explain to your child that criticism is not a personal insult, because others may have a different opinion than he does. Let him understand that criticism can become an incentive for further development, an objective assessment of his further actions.

How do parents influence their children's self-esteem?

Responsive and loving parents help the child develop with normal self-esteem. And negative relationships in the family give rise to uncertainty and isolation: the child becomes fixated on his failures, becomes suspicious, and sometimes displays aggression and anxiety.

When forming a teenager’s self-esteem, the style of communication within the family is important:

Symmetrical - all family members interact with each other on equal terms. In such a family, the child considers himself important, his opinion is taken into account in all situations. The child forms his own criteria for evaluating his actions based on his parents’ assessments.
Asymmetrical - the child is practically not allowed to participate in decision making. This model creates a negative perception of one’s own self.

It is important to understand that a child is also a member of the family. He has his own opinion on the situation or action addressed to him. It is worth taking into account the child’s opinion in matters that concern him indirectly or directly. You should not neglect the child’s words, as he may feel useless and withdraw into himself even more.

Help in maintaining external attractiveness

Teenagers pay special attention to their appearance. And not just girls. If you are not your child’s authority on choosing a style, you can go to a stylist. Correctly chosen hairstyle and clothes are very important. Teach children to tidy up their skin and teeth. During adolescence, both boys and girls often experience acne. This brings them a lot of inconvenience, although they are sometimes embarrassed to say so. Don't consider this problem a trifle. If cosmetic procedures do not help, be sure to see a dermatologist.

Development of talents and mental abilities, search for new acquaintances and opportunities

Who, if not you, can identify a teenager’s talents. Assign him to a circle, section, holiday camp, and go with him on an interesting journey. In a new team, the child will be able to open up differently. This will help reveal new sides of him, look at him with different eyes. Perhaps it is difficult for a teenager to find mutual understanding among his classmates; he has no one to communicate with. Perhaps he will feel good in a theater group, where he can show his talent and sense of humor. A large social circle will help a teenager reveal different facets of his personality. In adolescence, you can teach your child to understand people.

Respect his opinion and taste

Never criticize your child's taste. Even if it seems to you that he’s dressed up in an incomprehensible way, and the music he’s turned on makes your head pound. The child needs to feel support and sincere interest in you; he does not need your value judgments. Let him find himself, learn to choose and defend his own opinion. Be interested in what he listens to and watches. Otherwise, you risk being branded a bore and losing touch with him.

Valentina Paevskaya

pediatric neuropsychologist, blogger

Ask your child to download new music to your smartphone, attend quests and concerts of his favorite bands, and watch movies. This will help maintain an emotional connection and understand what your teenager is worried about right now.

Showing love is good!

It goes without saying that parents love their children. But not all adults know how to express heartfelt affection. If this is not done, then the teenager will feel useless and self-esteem will fall. Learn to talk about your feelings yourself, show tenderness, show sympathy. Let your son or daughter feel that you unconditionally, unconditionally, sincerely accept him for who he is. Tell your child that you are happy to spend time with him and how good it is that you have him. Try to do it emotionally. Express your feelings through nonverbal (wordless) means: a sincere sparkle in your eyes, close attention, touching your shoulder, hugging. If a teenager feels loved, his self-esteem will definitely increase.

How to help your teenager develop self-confidence

Adolescence is like a twilight zone, because your child is no longer a child, but not yet an adult. Most teenagers are confused, insecure and unaware of themselves. But as a parent, you can help your teen gain, develop, and strengthen self-confidence. Remember: what you make your child today will affect the course of his entire future life. Therefore, it is extremely important to develop self-respect and adequate self-esteem. What is self-confidence? It's no secret that self-confidence is the most important key to achieving success in life. Self-confidence is what a person feels when perceiving himself; it is his positive assessment of his abilities and capabilities.

Self-confidence affects how a person acts in public.
It also clearly reflects the actions and behavior of a person.
A healthy sense of self-confidence plays an important role in shaping one's personality.
The positive development of a sense of self-confidence directly affects a person’s level of happiness.

Why does a teenager need self-confidence? Self-confidence gives a teenager the ability to confidently face all the challenges and uncertainties of life, and also better cope with all the disappointments, ups and downs.

Relationships, emotions, peer pressure, competition, and high expectations can seriously undermine a teen's self-confidence.
Positive self-esteem helps him achieve his aspirations and goals in life.
Self-esteem helps a teenager establish connections and relationships, become a happy and internally strong person.

The role of parents in developing a teenager's sense of self-confidence The role of parents is most important in developing a teenager's self-confidence. Your support can help your teenager develop his or her own identity in the long run.

Your actions and words influence your teenager the most.
The way you treat him and the way you teach him to treat himself directly affects his level of self-confidence.
The way you treat your teenager sets the criteria for how other people treat him!

Ten tips on how to increase your teenager's sense of self-confidence During adolescence, a child transforms into an adult. And only parents have the necessary tools that can help him go through this sensitive process (for example, patience and perseverance). The following are some of the simplest and most useful tips on how to develop self-confidence in your teenager. 1. Show respect for your teen. Do not forget that this is no longer a child, but almost an adult, and therefore he deserves respect, like any adult.

When speaking to a teenager, always be respectful. Don't be arrogant or contemptuous!
Always be respectful of your teenager's concerns and fears. Never treat his worries and fears as childish worries.

2. Praise your teenager often. You should praise your child often. Be generous with sincere compliments.

When you praise your teen for doing something good, it boosts their self-confidence and encourages them to do even better next time.
Always express your positive attitude and let your child know how lucky you are to have him and how proud you are of him.

3. Avoid criticism. Try to avoid criticizing your child as much as possible. Criticism can harm a teenager's self-esteem.

If you don't approve or like something your teen is involved in, take the time to sit down and talk to them about it.
Teenagers often take criticism as ridicule or an attempt to shame them. But if criticism is inevitable, try to carefully monitor your tone.

4. Encourage your child's extracurricular activities. A teenager needs some kind of hobby.

Encourage him to participate in various activities. It is important for a teenager to succeed in what he loves.
Extracurricular activities are a great opportunity to learn what success, victory, failure, and problems are. These types of activities add self-confidence to the teenager.
Extracurricular activities develop positive team spirit and help students learn to work together to achieve a common goal.

5. Support your teen's friendships. You will not be able to control, assign or choose your child's friends. Better teach him respect and acceptance.

Mutual understanding and respect are important in any relationship. Teach your teenager to value their friends.
Your teen's circle of friends also affects their self-confidence. Tell him the difference between good friends and bad ones.

6. Appearance doesn't matter. Most teenagers fall under peer pressure. For them, appearance is very important. They crave to look like models and celebrities, and when they can't achieve what they want and achieve a bright, impressive and unforgettable appearance, their sense of self-confidence plummets.

It is important to explain to your child that appearance does not matter.
What is really important is good manners, hygiene, a clear and healthy mind and body.

7. Focus on your child's strengths. Teach your teen to focus on his strengths. Never compare him with his peers, friends, relatives and cousins.

Your teen needs to realize that every person has their own strengths, comparison only promotes competition and is not beneficial.
He should also understand that he only has to compete with himself, and a great way to improve his own performance is to focus on his strengths.

8. Teach your teenager to be strong. Help your teen develop some immunity to teasing or name-calling from peers or others. Teasing affects every teenager's self-confidence.

A good rule of life says: “Endure trials with courage and hide your worries behind a friendly smile.” A teenager must learn to tolerate negative emotions to a certain extent without losing his cool.
Your teen needs to know that verbal bullying doesn't hurt and it shouldn't affect their self-confidence in any way.

9. Seek professional help. If your teen is suffering from a serious lack of self-confidence and it is beginning to affect their academic performance and/or social life, you may need help from outside sources.

Initially, you can try to find ways to solve the problem at a family council with relatives.
If this does not help, then it is better to seek professional help, which will identify the real cause of self-doubt and help the child get rid of low self-esteem.

10. Support your teenager. You probably have no idea how much simple, everyday gestures and words can boost your child's self-confidence. The teenager must understand that at any moment you are ready to come to his aid no matter what.

Your support can act as a catalyst for your teen's self-confidence.
If a child knows that he has support and can rely on you and count on your help, he will try to overcome life's difficulties with even greater strength and self-confidence.

Try to handle any challenges of raising a teenager in a polite and respectful manner. Remember that this is just a certain stage of life and it will end soon. Remember that teenage problems and anxieties are part of the process of growing up. Just be patient and help your child with all sincerity.

Parents as psychologists

In the age of the Internet, a father and mother can take on the role of a psychologist for a teenager if they suddenly notice low self-esteem. Experts advise conducting a test to determine a teenager’s self-esteem. After this, you can have a conversation with your child about the need to love and accept yourself with all your shortcomings. Tell the minor that everyone can make mistakes and that is their right. It is important to convey to your son or daughter that you should not concentrate on shortcomings. Advise your child to communicate with confident guys. For cases when the situation gets completely out of control and the teenager loses self-confidence, suggest that he use a deep inhalation and exhalation exercise. You need to breathe and count to 10. This will help bad thoughts go away, and your confidence in your abilities will rise. Communicate more with your children, ask them for advice, show them that they are important to you.

Signs of low self-esteem in a child

How to understand that a child has problems with self-esteem? Psychologists identify a number of symptoms that may indicate low self-esteem in a child.

Criticality – the child criticizes everything around him and feels dissatisfied when things don’t go according to plan. An upset child feels misunderstood and underappreciated, and this can provoke withdrawal.
Tearfulness is the result of excessive criticism. Dissatisfaction with your results comes out through tears.
Desire to be the center of attention - children constantly attract the attention of adults so as not to feel lonely. Adults do not always have time for constant conversations and joint activities, which angers and upsets children.
Inability to lose - such children do not value the process of the game, but expect only a positive result from it, i.e. victories. They believe that this will allow them to earn the acceptance and love of others. Such children do not know how to admit defeat, and at the same time overestimate the fact of their victory (excessive boasting).
Fear of making a mistake – fear of failure makes a child avoid risks. Therefore, the child chooses the action in which he is absolutely confident. This attitude interferes with development, and in addition contributes to the emergence of anxiety.
Closedness and unsociability - introverts, as a rule, find it difficult to find a common language with peers and let other people into their space, so their social skills are poorly developed.
Depressed mood – such children are often sad and not smiling. They do not have the motivation and vital energy for spontaneous actions.
Achieving ideals - an attempt to bring any action to the ideal does not give the opportunity to focus on other important points. Perfectionism prevents a child from developing effectively and efficiently, because too much effort is spent on improving and correcting the result already achieved.
Aggression is the best defense - attack. And the manifestation of aggression and anger only worsens relationships.
Addiction to approval – children with low self-esteem are overly eager to receive approval from peers, parents, and teachers. This may be due to a lack of trust or a lack of understanding of how to understand yourself or how to evaluate your actions yourself.
Behavioral factors - a child who lacks self-confidence often speaks quietly and indistinctly. doesn't make eye contact. In a team, he sits on the edge, does not try to establish contact with peers, thereby trying to distance himself from everyone. The appearance may be sloppy.

It is worth considering that all these signs can manifest themselves in different ways. It depends on temperament, character, family situation and life path.