When to separate or divorce your husband or wife: advice from a psychologist

Relationships in a couple or marriage are a process with a certain development scenario, ups, downs, quarrels, truces.
And in strong families, crises occur, and there is a threat of termination of relationships.

It is important to understand the reasons, the scale of the difficulties that have arisen, to come to a decision whether it is worth trying to save a couple or family, to take timely measures, or to end the relationship is the only right way out. In this article, we’ll figure out how to understand that a relationship is coming to an end.

Which families are at risk: divorce statistics

According to statistics, a third of families break up. The top risk group is occupied by couples who have been married for 3-6 years and have a small child . Alas, children do not prevent separation; on the contrary, they can cause divorce.

In second place are married couples whose experience is 20-25 years. Over the years, the couple have already raised children and are looking for new life guidelines. Surprisingly, families without children break up the least often when the reason for the breakup is the desire to have their own children. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back. Many families are under threat of divorce. Some people have minimal chances for a happy future from the moment they get married. This includes marriages due to pregnancy or early marriages, when the partners are still too young and do not know what exactly they want from life.

Psychologists recommend not to rush to go to the registry office if lovers have been dating for a short time. Additional time will allow the couple to get to know each other better and recognize each other's shortcomings. The family will be strong when the bride and groom know what disadvantages of their other half they will have to put up with.

A good reason for divorce may be the selfish interest of the chosen one . If a woman is beautiful and charming, she will not want to keep the family together so that her lover can assert himself at her expense.

Emotional codependency also destroys the family unit . Such relationships are inherently unhealthy. Probably, in order for partners to be self-sufficient and understand what true love is, they will need the help of a psychologist.

If the basis of a family is not love, sincere feelings, it is doomed to collapse. A young lady can enjoy her husband’s status and financial condition, but over time, disappointment, anger, and irritation accumulate, which will one day burst out.

Unfortunately, today the institution of marriage is not considered inviolable. In the first years of family life, 40% of couples break up, and in the first decade - more than 60%.

Statistics say that people who got married before the age of thirty value their family more than those who got married after 30. In adulthood, it is much more difficult to adapt to the chosen one, put up with his shortcomings, give up some of his habits, and take into account only your needs, but also the needs of your loved one. It is more difficult for people over 30 to get used to the role of a family man, especially if they have had no experience of family life before.

Leave your husband or endure it. A very common situation is when a woman has been thinking about breaking up with her disgusted husband for years, but such a radical act remains only in her dreams. Taking responsibility and taking initiative can be quite difficult. Usually all women are scared by the same thoughts. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back

Why women are afraid of divorce

If a woman doubts whether she should get a divorce, most often her hesitation on this matter is dictated by fears. Depending on the situation, each female representative has her own fears that prevent her from objectively analyzing problems in relationships.

The fear of loneliness is most common, especially if a woman led a secluded, homely lifestyle. But loneliness in marriage is no better. It is worth starting to establish social contacts, devoting more time to developing friendly relationships, and also maintaining contact with relatives. These people will be able to provide the necessary support during a painful breakup.

The second practical nuance is the housing issue. Women try to save fading relationships only due to the lack of their own living space. But this problem can also be solved if you take responsibility for your life. There are several simple solutions:

• achieve the division of jointly acquired housing and exchange it;
• choose a suitable rental apartment taking into account financial capabilities;
• loan for the purchase of real estate;
• turn to relatives for help.

The fear of injuring children by breaking up a marriage also keeps a woman from taking radical measures. But this fear has no real reason. For children, parental divorce is a traumatic experience. But it is much more dangerous for a child’s psyche to constantly remain in the oppressive atmosphere of an unhappy family. Moreover, divorce is not a reason for parents to stop fulfilling their responsibilities.

You just need to explain that dad and mom, after breaking ties, will still participate in the child’s life, but they won’t live together.

The fear of being left without financial security is inherent in many women who tolerate unloved husbands. Having become financially dependent, it is difficult for a spouse to move to the level of independent support. It’s worth thinking about this in advance - finding a suitable source of income. Financial independence from her husband will give a woman freedom from fear and the opportunity to act based on her desires.

Fear of being alone

the representatives of the fair sex the desire to be the keeper of the family hearth , to take care of their husband and children, to protect and help them. The formation of psychological dependence occurs over years and it is unlikely that it will be possible to get rid of it quickly. Feelings of anxiety, apathy, lack of interest in life - these are characteristics of people who have just broken up.

In this case, it is very important to tune in to a positive wave , set yourself up for the good, believe in yourself, no matter what happens. Remember what you were interested in before marriage, gradually return to what brought you pleasure. Then life will sparkle with new colors.

It's normal to be afraid, it's a natural instinct. Don't be afraid of the prospect of being alone. It's much worse to live your whole life next to a person you don't love.

Lost time

Before breaking up, many women have thoughts that stop her from taking a decisive step and seem at least strange to others.

In a conversation with their girlfriends, they say in frustration that they spent the best years of their lives on a scoundrel. Firstly, young ladies say this out of resentment towards themselves. After all, they were the ones who once made the wrong decision. But as we know, there are no perfect people, everyone can make mistakes. There is no need to shed bitter tears over missed opportunities; what happened, happened. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back

We stopped being interested in each other

With a generally caring attitude, I stopped immersing myself in my husband’s life; it no longer interested me.

One day my husband got sick and went to the hospital; he had to have an operation. I visited him only twice during my 14 days in the hospital. For the first time I brought documents, things and food. The second time I came after the operation. When he asked if I would come again, I was sincerely perplexed: “Do you need to bring something? What should I do there, hold your hand? I have a lot of things to do, I can’t.”

It's a shame. And I was offended when I returned from the traffic police exam with a driver’s license after 10 hours of stress, and my husband only said: “Cool, well done. Will you pick up your child from kindergarten tomorrow?”

Conclusion

Lack of immersion in the life of a partner, support, warmth is not revenge, but banal indifference, for which one cannot be blamed.

Feelings are either there or they are not. And they cannot be faked.

Indifference is a sign that the relationship is over, only functions remain: earn money, look after the children, maintain order in the house, cook food. This is not how spouses live, but roommates or bedmates.

What will people say

Very often, women are deterred from divorce proceedings by public opinion. They are afraid that their surroundings will not support them. Gossip behind your back and sympathetic glances have a negative impact on the situation. Only those who truly wish you well will support you, and you should not pay attention to the opinions of others.

The main thing is not to hide in a shell from your fears, you need to continuously work on them. Have a heart-to-heart talk with a loved one, and in the most difficult cases, do not hesitate to seek help from a psychologist.

When is it time to divorce your husband: signs

1. Domestic disagreements. Each person has his own shortcomings and bad habits. When starting a relationship, many people try to hide them, make concessions, but after Mendelssohn’s march plays, they take off their masks and become themselves. What is carefully hidden comes out, so relationships change. In this case, everyone must decide for himself whether he is able to come to terms with the shortcomings of his other half and turn a blind eye to them. If yes, then the family can be saved, if not, it’s time to get a divorce.
2. Lack of former passion. One of the reasons for divorce is the absence or lack of sexual intimacy between partners.
3. Excessive jealousy. This feeling can push you to take rash actions. As a rule, jealousy is more characteristic of the stronger sex and usually has no basis. It is because of jealousy that violence, assault, and scandals flourish in the family.
4. Lack of trust. The family will be strong and happy if there is an emotional connection between the spouses. If there is no trusting relationship between partners, they cannot find a common language, then the marriage is doomed to destruction.
5. Indifference. When the opinion of the other does not matter to one of the spouses, this means that he has ceased to be important and significant. This indicates that the former love has faded, the relationship is coming to its logical conclusion.
6. Changes in behavior. Often the reason for this is the emergence of a new passion. Under the influence of guilt, the husband becomes silky, or he does not care about his legal wife and the relationship becomes worse.
7. There is no right to choose. Every person has the right to their own hobbies and interests. Therefore, sometimes the reason for divorce is the husband’s prohibition from doing what he loves. Partners cannot agree with each other, do not feel understanding and support, so an attempt to prohibit engaging in a hobby can cause aggression. A woman feels that her freedom of choice and personal space are violated, so the marriage is cracking.

Just a pause or has the end of love come?

Small breaks for relationships are beneficial. The result may be overcoming the crisis, or the end of the relationship.

There is an opportunity to be alone with yourself, rethink recent events, and understand whether people need each other.

Sometimes the pause is caused by resentment, a test of the beloved’s strength, an expectation of activity, attention, and the transition of the relationship to a new stage. In this case, the partner is not indifferent to what is happening; such a union or marriage has a chance to be saved if a compromise is reached.

If during a time-out the partners feel good without each other, there is no melancholy, emotions have cooled down, then the relationship will be over.

In what cases can a family be saved?

Separation is not always the only right option; in some cases, the marriage can be saved. Of course, a lot depends on each individual case, because often the cause of divorce is banal quarrels, inability to negotiate, and listen to each other. If there is still a desire to be together, love and passion between the spouses, they may well forgive each other, understand and save the family.

Having children together can also be a compelling argument for maintaining a relationship, because for children, parents are the closest and dearest people. For a child, the divorce of mom and dad is a serious psychological trauma that an adult cannot always cope with. If the situation is not so critical, you can try to find compromises for the sake of the child. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back

Good reasons to definitely get a divorce

The reasons for breaking up a relationship can be different. Sometimes reconciliation between spouses is possible, but sometimes divorce is impossible. Among the main reasons when it is necessary to get a divorce are the following:

1. Alcoholism or drug addiction. Cases when a person himself decides to stop drinking or using drugs are quite rare. As a rule, drug addicts and alcoholics realize their plight too late, when it is no longer possible to do anything. By this point, they are destroying their families with their own hands, losing property, their relatives are turning away from them, and their health is experiencing serious problems.
2. Violence in family. You cannot forgive your spouse if he allows himself to raise his hand against his wife and children. You need to get rid of such relationships as quickly as possible.
3. Treason. Marital infidelity is one of the most common causes of divorce. Many young ladies decide to forgive the cheater, but, as a rule, a similar situation is repeated, and in the end it all ends in separation.
4. Dissatisfaction with sex life. Intimacy in family life is far from the last place. If one of the partners feels dissatisfied, the problem can be solved with the help of specialists. However, many couples are embarrassed to see a sexologist or psychologist with such a problem. Therefore, families end their existence.
5. Financial insolvency. Men are usually given the responsibility of supporting the family. But it’s one thing when the family temporarily lacks money, and another when the husband a priori cannot provide for his wife and children. If a man does not bring money to the family for a long time, women file for divorce.
6. Individual incompatibility. If the marriage was concluded in a fit of emotion, then after a while the partners realize that they are completely different, they have nothing in common, and the marriage needs to be dissolved.
7. The reluctance of one of the partners to have offspring. As a rule, people marry in order to continue their family line. Therefore, if the spouses cannot come to a consensus, since one of them wants a child and the other does not, then sooner or later, someone who wants to give birth to an heir will find someone who shares his desire to become a parent.

Bad habits

Both significant (alcoholism, gambling, drug addiction) and minor (throwing things around, listening to loud music) problems pose a danger to family life. If everything is clear regarding alcohol addiction and other serious problems, then less significant issues are usually ignored.

As an example, the famous TV series colorfully shows the moment when the heroine was annoyed by the tea bags that her husband left in different parts of the apartment. Such little things, when accumulated, also negatively affect the safety of family life.

Tyranny

This includes all types of domestic violence, including physical and emotional. Statistics show that the vast majority of tyrants are men. Since in Russia it is not customary to discuss one’s problems with specialists, the main witnesses to family conflicts are neighbors, relatives and friends.

There is a victim syndrome on the part of a woman who thinks that she deserves the way her husband treats her and that this is the norm. Children most often suffer from abuse in the home, but other family members do not have protection from the criminal actions of mentally unstable relatives. This is a situation where you should get a divorce.

Personal

At the heart of every divorce is the unwillingness of one spouse to continue the relationship. At the same time, there is a possibility that even at the stage of divorce there is a candidate for the role of husband or wife.

A separate reason can be identified as a conflict with the relatives of the other half. More than one marriage has been destroyed by the efforts of overly active mothers (mother-in-law or mother-in-law).

Is a full family always better for children?

Many women, having given birth to a child, are ready to make a sacrifice and tolerate next to them an unloved person who can treat her insultingly or even beat her. They forgive their life partners for going “to the left” and spend their own health and time to save their partner from alcoholism. But do children need such a father? What will he teach them and what can he give them?

Of course, in such situations, even if there are children together, it is necessary to end the relationship, end the relationship. Parents are an example for children, and in unhappy families, children's destinies are broken and they often repeat the life of their mother and father.

Psychologist's advice

Recommendations from a specialist may be required if the family can still be saved, that is, the situation has not reached a critical state. First of all, you need to think about the future.

What will happen if you don't change anything? Think about how you will continue to live with your spouse. What happens if you get divorced? Determine how you will build your life without your other half. Evaluate all the pros and cons.

Trust your intuition and desires and think about what you will miss if you do not divorce and try to maintain your family relationship? What will you miss if you leave everything as is? Maybe it would be better to leave a failed marriage behind you and continue to live, change for the better, and achieve your goals?

Answering these questions will help you understand your feelings. If you want to save your marriage, you have a lot of work ahead of you to improve yourself. Advice from a psychologist will help save your marriage:

• do not sacrifice yourself;
• love and respect yourself;
• take time for yourself;
• change not only externally, but also internally;
• learn to negotiate and seek compromises;
• do not make scandals and do not criticize your husband;
• Find a hobby that will help you relax and get rid of negativity;
• diversify your sex life.

Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back

We tried to be away from home more

We spent most of our time apart, but somehow we didn’t want to be together. It was normal for my husband to come after 9-10 pm. I fell asleep calmly when I put the baby to bed. We could barely meet until the weekend.

Everyone also spent Saturday and Sunday in their own way. I walked with my son and tried to meet with friends. My husband spent time on his laptop: studying, working, movies, games.

I used to tug at him and ask him to spend time with me. He reluctantly agreed. Then I left him alone. I myself felt more comfortable this way.

My husband took up a hobby - archery. I became interested in pole acrobatics. As a result, we scored ourselves five evenings a week of separate leisure time.

The next distance was vacation. Everyone rested on their own and considered this the norm. We convinced others that it was easier and cheaper. That's true, but we wanted to travel without each other.

Conclusion

When the atmosphere in the house is depressing, you subconsciously look for an opportunity to be there as little as possible.

Go to work earlier, stay late, respond to any offers to meet with friends, come up with a hobby that takes up all your free time. Your spouse silently supports your absence. You leave when everyone is still sleeping, come back and everyone is already asleep.

The problem is not in the mode itself. The problem is that both of you are okay with it.

A look from a legal point of view

Are you firmly convinced of your desire to get a divorce? Be prepared that the divorce procedure may drag on for months. Divorce will be easy if you can maintain friendly relations with your spouse and you have nothing to share.

If there are children, then divorce can only be done in court. If you have divided the property yourself and have no claims, then it is also necessary to determine in court the procedure for communicating with the child and the assignment of alimony.

If you come to a conclusion that contradicts the family code, then the court needs to record your agreement so that there are no misunderstandings later.

Conventionally, divorces are divided into several groups:

• the couple has no children or property claims;
• there are children, but there are no complaints against each other;
• The couple cannot come to an agreement.

Sex became less and less frequent

During pregnancy and especially after childbirth, my sexual appetites diminished to zero. This is largely due to how my life changed; there was no time for love. But then, when everything stabilized, I realized that I did not feel attracted to my husband. And it wasn't about him.

He was a good lover and knew exactly where and how to stroke me to make me tremble with delight. His sexual impulses always let me know that I was desired.

But I still felt that I did not experience emotional intimacy, so I often refused him, citing fatigue and getting up early. The amount of sex dropped to once a month. I perceived it as a marital duty and in 9 cases out of 10 I tried to end it as quickly as possible. It was nice, but unnecessary.

Conclusion

In a healthy relationship, the quantity and quality of sex suits both. There are couples for whom intimacy once a month is enough, but for some, six times a day is not enough. But if you constantly send your partner with the words “I want to sleep, let’s not tonight,” something is going wrong.