Should you return to your ex-husband after a divorce: advice from a psychologist

August 31, 2018
Psychology of relationships
Yulia Obolenskaya

Many experts say that there is no need to improve relationships after a breakup. This is often actually true. However, there are most couples who built a serious relationship and a happy family not the first time. After all, not all people always break up consciously and for very serious reasons. But if the feelings and desire remain, is it worth trying to start the relationship again? Let's consider this problem in detail.

Reasons for the breakup

The future relationship of the former spouses largely depends on how the divorce process took place. The reasons that prompted the dissolution of the union play an important role.

According to statistics, modern couples most often get divorced due to the following problems.

Interference in the marriage of friends or relatives of one of the spouses. This situation is far from uncommon. Parents often interfere the most in a couple's life. Often, the husband’s mother may not like her son’s chosen one. Because of this, she does not seek to establish communication with her, but, on the contrary, provokes conflicts and sets her son against his wife. Also, the cause of divorce can be the machinations of friends.
Spouses may not agree on their characters, interests and outlook on life. Living next to a person who practically does not support you in anything and constantly criticizes you is very difficult. Differences in hobbies deprive a couple of the opportunity for joint leisure and interesting communication.
A woman can leave her husband, unable to stand his behavior or bad habits. Living together imposes certain responsibilities and distribution of responsibilities. If a man is not used to being neat and does not respond to his wife’s requests for help around the house, he risks losing her.
It is very difficult for women to come to terms with their spouse’s betrayal. Such an act causes great trauma and greatly hurts her feelings.

Feelings for another man can push a wife to divorce. The outbreak of love can seriously turn your head. In this elevated state, a person becomes impulsive, ready to take desperate actions.
Marriage too early and lack of readiness to live together are the cause of about 30% of divorces in our country. Lack of life experience, youthful maximalism, inability to build relationships and make concessions quickly upset relationships in a couple. Particularly at risk of separation in the first years of cohabitation are those spouses who had no experience of living together before marriage.
Alcoholism, drug addiction and other addictions of a spouse make family life painful. A person with such problems often behaves aggressively and even inappropriately. If a man is not ready to work on himself, then the wife can only observe the negative changes in his personality and endure violations in his behavior.
Excessive jealousy of a spouse turns married life into a “cage”. Obsessed with the idea of exposing his wife, the husband constantly arranges humiliating interrogations, controls every step, and is capable of exploding at the most far-fetched reasons. The atmosphere in such a family becomes very tense. It’s hard for a woman to endure this day after day. Breaking off relations with a jealous person becomes the only way out.
Problems in the sex life of the spouses can also be a reason for divorce. The situation is further aggravated by the fact that not all couples know how to tactfully talk to each other about their intimate lives.
A precarious financial situation and lack of funds in the family makes a woman feel insecure. There are quite a few reasons why a man is not able to contribute enough funds to the couple’s budget. But in the end it becomes very difficult for a woman in the role of the main breadwinner.
Aggressive behavior and violence on the part of a spouse humiliates a woman, traumatizes the psyche, and leaves severe mental pain. Unfortunately, most people with this behavior are practically resistant to persuasion and requests. In moments of boiling emotions, they often cannot control themselves. And as a result, despite the man’s pleas for forgiveness and promises to change, in the heat of the next conflict the beatings are repeated again and again.

Remember, a person will never leave someone with whom he feels calm, comfortable and good. No matter how offensive it is that your wife decided to leave you, it is still worth analyzing your relationship and asking yourself questions. This is the only way you can correct mistakes and correct yourself, thereby getting the opportunity for a second chance with the woman you love.

Psychology of divorce: do husbands/wives regret cheating and leaving the family?

For most, divorce is an unpleasant situation that brings a lot of pain and moral distress. However, in some situations, the divorce process becomes a long-awaited way out of a difficult relationship for a couple.

Therefore, it is impossible to give an unambiguous answer to the question of whether husbands or wives regret cheating and leaving the family. Everything will depend on what exactly pushed the spouse to cheat and leave the family.

If the new hobby was not of a serious nature and was started only for fun, for variety or for the purpose of self-affirmation, regret about the lost family well-being and status will most likely subsequently force the negligent husband or wife to regret his behavior and attempt to go back.

It’s another matter if the feelings between the spouses have cooled down and the family is fictitious. As a rule, in such situations, an affair on the side is a real psychological salvation for the spouse, so the cheater attaches great importance to the relationship that has begun and almost never subsequently experiences regrets about leaving the family.

And if the new love also turns out to be more convenient in everyday life than the former spouse (for example, cooks tastier soups, does not create scandals over trifles, and so on), then there is no talk of returning to the “old haven” at all.

Reasons for a woman leaving her husband

Why does a woman decide to leave her family? There are a number of psychological and material reasons for this:

The wife is simply running out of patience. For years she can endure insults and disrespect from her husband, trying to save the marriage, but one day the cup of patience is overflowing, and everything collapses.
A man's reluctance to have children can play a decisive role in the decision to divorce. Motherhood is a woman’s main purpose, and if she understands that having children with this person will not work, separation cannot be avoided.
A marriage with an alcoholic is almost always doomed to fail. For some time, the woman will try to make this relationship last, she will justify her husband and try to save him, but this will not last forever. Sooner or later, such a marriage will fall apart, because every girl dreams of having a strong, reliable shoulder next to her. A person who is constantly intoxicated cannot provide her with the necessary protection and support.
Some men think that raising a hand to a woman is normal, and systematically practice this in life. A marriage with such a person is also doomed to failure, because no woman can tolerate assault for a long time.
Cheating on one of the partners is also a serious psychological trauma and can lead to family breakdown. This is one of the most destructive threats to relationships. Trust in the couple is undermined. Forgiving betrayal is extremely difficult.
Indifference can kill any relationship. If a woman does not feel loved and desired, is not surrounded by care and attention, she will not live with this man.
The strongest love can die when faced with financial difficulties. If a man does not work, or earns too little to support his family, the woman will not have confidence in the future. No person can feel comfortable in a state of lack of money. This circumstance poses a serious threat to marriage.

Why do men leave

As a rule, there is no smoke without fire, so husbands do not just break up with their wives. Psychologists identify 7 main reasons why representatives of the stronger sex decide to leave the family nest:

The wife stopped being interesting as a woman. Men by nature are hunters, and if the object of desire comes into the hands and does not resist, then the excitement disappears. Usually women devote themselves entirely to everyday life, replacing erotic lingerie with a shapeless nightie.
Dissatisfaction with sex life, which is more important to men than to women. It is important for a spouse to feel like an alpha male, which is completely impossible next to a cold wife who finds a lot of reasons to refuse sex.
The wife constantly nags, and next to her the other half feels like a loser. Such a woman cannot be pleased; she is always dissatisfied with everything, while it is extremely important for men to hear praise.
Did not get along. This is a fairly common reason given during divorce. This also includes different values and worldviews.
Wife's infidelity. Such an act on the part of the woman he loves can completely kill a man’s pride.
I fell in love with another woman. It is interesting to note that the indecisive partner will live with his family, and leave his new lover in the role of mistress. A mature and responsible man will confess everything to his wife and leave her.

Why do exes come back?

Psychologists say that every fourth man makes an attempt to return to his ex-wife. Why do they do this?

Often a man is driven by the need for comfort - he is used to having a clean house, people taking care of him, washing his clothes, preparing his favorite pancakes, paying utility bills on time, etc. Having spent some time in “freedom” and realizing that it is quite difficult to exist alone, he decides to return to where he felt good. From this point of view, the wife is not so bad and her needs are not so great;
if a man left for another, then the motivating factor for returning may be a banal comparison of his former and current partners - not in favor of the latter. I walked around, tried it out, was disappointed in the new woman, realized that I had made a mistake when I decided to get a divorce;
It happens that the ex-spouse really cannot get over the separation - he gets bored and mopes. The longer people have been married, the more common ground they have, shared memories, rituals, and habits. After a divorce, it is difficult for a man to turn over a new leaf, especially if he is over the age of 45-50, because most of his adult life was spent next to the same woman. Emotional attachment to his wife and children will pull him back;
if a partner periodically leaves and returns, then such “comebacks” can be called a respite before a new portion of adventures. In this case, there can be no talk of love on his part. For him, the family is a transshipment base where he can warm up and sleep.

Why do women return to their ex-husbands?

It happens that after a divorce, a woman begins to realize that she made a huge mistake when she broke off the relationship. She has an irresistible desire to restore relations with her ex-husband.

There are a number of reasons why ex-wives return to the family:

The main reason why a woman returned to her ex-husband is children who need a complete family. Realizing that her mother harmed the children by leaving the family, she will make every effort to fix it.
Everything is relative. Very often, after a separation, a woman realizes that life without a spouse turned out to be more difficult than she imagined. She felt how difficult it was to lead a life alone when both women's and men's responsibilities fell on her shoulders. Also, all financial issues now have to be resolved by myself. It is at this moment that the woman realizes that the decision to divorce was rash.
Bad memories are quickly erased. Very often, after a divorce, a woman forgets her grievances and realizes that her feelings for her ex-husband have not cooled down. She does not want and cannot let a new partner into her life, so she decides to return to her beloved.
There are situations when a man does not accept his wife’s decision to leave. He begins to look for reasons and analyze. He understands his mistakes and tries to correct them. Often he manages to convince his wife to return. The woman believes her husband’s promises to fix everything and returns, but the family can only be saved if the problems have really been resolved and both spouses are ready to work on the relationship. If mutual grievances and claims are very strong, and no one is able to compromise to save the marriage, sooner or later this union will crack again.
Another reason why a woman returns to her family is pity for her ex-husband. In fact, this is the last feeling worth coming back for. It is impossible to save and preserve a family if there is no love and respect between spouses. A pitiful man is not able to make his wife happy.

The end of a relationship - how to move on?

Feeling sadness, apathy, crying and even falling into a state of depression - all this is normal after a breakup. Especially if the relationship was serious and long-lasting. After all, both partners, to one degree or another adapt to each other , learn from each other, experience bright moments that will not be forgotten. A person’s personal space is filled with others, as if two clots of energy are merging together. After a breakup, a void is created.

Should I accept it or not?

A broken vase can be glued back together, but it will never be the same: numerous cracks radically change its original appearance. And if you pour water into it, then most likely it will leak. The same can be said about a marriage that has collapsed - the partners will need very good glue in the form of joint efforts to return to their former relationship.

When it’s definitely not worth getting together

There are 3 circumstances in the presence of which it is impossible to renew a relationship:

If a woman is simply scared alone, it is often this factor that pushes her into the arms of her ex. The fear of loneliness is so strong that she forgets about insults, beatings, disrespect, betrayal, etc. However, soon all this will come to the surface again and ruin the relationship.
Is it worth sleeping with your ex-husband after a divorce if he has another family? Definitely not. And even more so if both former partners have committed themselves to marital obligations. Their relationship may be romantic for some time, they may become lovers, but they are unlikely to reunite again, since a large number of people are already included in this situation (their new husbands, wives, children).
If the reason for the separation is still relevant. For example, if the spouse drank, went out, played slot machines, cheated, etc. and continues to do this at the moment, then the woman should not hope that he will change after the reunion.

If we talk separately about betrayal, then few people are able to honestly forgive this fact. Theoretically, you can get together, but the hurt will surface every time the partners quarrel. As a result, the wife will play the role of accuser, and the man will drown in guilt. Can such a relationship be happy?

It is also important to understand that children should not play the role of a link. Living for the sake of their offspring is the worst thing parents who cannot get along together can do for them.

Right to a second chance

Often, a breakup has a positive effect on the spouses; after reconciliation, the partners begin a new, improved family life. If you both realize you made a mistake, it makes sense to try to get back together.

In this case, proof of the seriousness of the intentions of each partner will be their actions aimed at getting rid of the problem that caused the divorce. For example, if the head of the family disappeared for days at work, which his wife did not like, then the sincerity of his desire will be proven by a change of workplace. If he drank alcohol regularly, he will visit a doctor, etc.

A good sign is maintaining friendly relations after the divorce. It is likely that positive communication helped to look at each other with new eyes, draw appropriate conclusions, and understand your chosen one.

How to renew a relationship correctly?

Before reconciliation, it is necessary to talk about each other’s shortcomings, but without accusations or insults. We should talk about experiences that arise in certain circumstances. During reconciliation, partners already know about each other’s tastes. Therefore, there is no need to show your best side. After all, many men, having been bachelors, begin to appreciate a woman’s work more during their separation.

You should understand your feelings and thoughts in order to understand whether it is necessary to live with such a person, whether you still have the same feelings for him. First of all, you need to understand what you can do so as not to repeat previous mistakes. The fact that a person has changed for the better can be noticed immediately. However, you should not reproach a person, criticize him, or gloat, because a change in character and attitude towards each other does not happen without mistakes and in one day.

Is it worth returning to your ex-partner if the children ask for it and want the parents to be together? If the spouses have not changed for the better, then they should not.

A story from life. I want to return to my ex-husband

I realized that he is my only beloved, dear person.

I don’t even want to look at anyone else, everyone just irritates me. But I don’t want to go back to the old way. At first he tried to persuade me to return, but now he doesn’t. But this is good, now I would not be able to withstand the persuasion and give up. And I’m sure that as soon as they return to me, everything will go as before. Again, a little time will pass, and for me this relationship will become a burden, I don’t want to live like that.

Now time has passed, all grievances have been forgotten, only warm moments remain in memory. Maybe it's not him that I miss, but my feelings. I don’t even know what to do, some completely stupid situation, without him it’s bad, with him it’s even worse.

I achieved such a victory over myself, I felt bad - I left. Is it really to go back? Maybe we should have forgotten everything a long time ago and thrown all this nonsense out of our heads? Or maybe it’s just me who is finding fault with everything. Maybe it was my fate and I lost him?

Psychologist's advice

This is a very difficult period when you will relive all the feelings that you had during seven years of marriage - love, hatred, resentment, relief, irritation, warmth, joy and much, much more... The range of these feelings is very wide, and from a psychological point of view this is completely normal. Because only a few months have passed since your separation. And emotional divorce after a long relationship lasts much longer - about two years.

Time must pass before all these feelings subside, are forgotten and give way to others.

Now the place near you is completely occupied by these feelings and memories. And it’s quite natural that you don’t want to look at anyone else. There is only one thing on my mind: I want to return to my ex-husband. Don’t rush yourself, the process is long and painful, you have to get over the breakup.

Your hesitation is also quite natural - you had a loved one for seven years, you were not alone. Although you were not free and it burdened you. Now you have received this freedom, but you still don’t really know what to do with it... You’ve lost the habit... Somewhere it even scares you...

It’s familiar to be with him, here you know everything, all the paths have already been walked. And if you step on a rake, it’s on your own, familiar and familiar ones. And here... everything is new, unusual... Scary... Don’t rush yourself, you need time to part, say goodbye.

If you find it difficult to go through all this alone, contact a psychologist. Several meetings will help you strengthen your decision and move forward along your life path without doubt or fear.

How to treat the return of a spouse if you have minor children?

For a wife whose husband left the family with minor children without full moral and financial support, the return of her unfaithful husband in most cases is regarded as a return to the family of the father and breadwinner.

At the same time, most women are ready to push their own experiences into the background or completely forget about them. After all, no one wants to raise children on their own, without full financial support and the firm word of the father.

Children are still not a guarantee that a woman will be ready to make a truce and swallow her resentment.

Put an end to the past!

Very often people start new relationships too early, without yet letting go of the past. In this case, a feeling of irritation and dissatisfaction with life arises, which negatively affects health. And in order for a new relationship to develop and not turn into a boring relationship, you should let go of the past: forgive the person you broke up with, thinking about new relationships and a bright future.

You should not commit yourself to creating new relationships if the old ones have not yet ended. You need to forget about your past partner and start a new life, attend parties more often, dress up, and receive compliments. This is much more pleasant than constantly holding grudges to yourself; you shouldn’t focus on your problems. You should thank your ex in your heart, telling yourself that life is moving forward and the future will be much better. Of course, this will not happen immediately, but the process of liberation from the past will begin faster.

Tips and tricks

How to get your wife back after divorce? Psychologists advise against aggressive methods of influence in this situation.

Take a break
. Let your emotions subside. In the heat of passion, you will not be able to adequately respond to your wife’s arguments. The situation can only get worse and it will be almost impossible to renew the relationship after the divorce. Go to the bottom. Use this time productively and reflect. Don't spend this time bowling with friends if you really want to get your wife back, but devote this time to yourself.
Be better than him
Another man may be the reason for divorce. This is perhaps the most difficult option. Don't give up. He also has shortcomings. Perhaps the new chosen one does not like horseback riding, but you are perfectly in the saddle and your beloved likes it. Invite her to a meeting with your mutual friends, for example, and spend time doing your favorite activity together.
Maintain family values
If you have children and during the divorce they remained with their mother, under no circumstances stop communicating with them. Pay attention to the guys every day. But don't use them to get to your ex-wife. Children, like no one else, sense falsehood. In this situation, you will simply be removed from this house. Love and engage in the development and education of your children together. This way you will form an example of behavior in your woman’s eyes and win her favor.
Solve problems
Bad habits can also cause divorce. Here you often need the help of specialists. Bad habits (alcohol, drug addiction, sometimes even smoking) lead to constant scandals, clashes, insults and create a negative atmosphere in the home. A woman who is next to such a man suffers greatly. She does not feel happy and goes in search of happiness alone.
Win your beloved again
“The spark is missing” - this is also a reason for divorce. You’ve been married for several years, you’ve gotten used to each other, and everything has become so ordinary that it’s even boring. In an instant it all stops. After a divorce, it’s time to think about how to plant this spark in the heart of your beloved again. After all, 10 years ago you were so interesting together! What did you talk about, argue, where did you go and how did you fool around? Remember this. There is no point in copying exactly that behavior – it’s ridiculous. But it will be just right to carry out what was planned at that happy time. Maybe you've dreamed of owning your own yacht. Make your dream come true and name it after your ex-wife.
Work on yourself
Make an effort every day and become a little better. We are not talking about a radical change in image, profession, etc. Go to a psychologist. Tell him your situation. Be honest about why this happened and what you want now. This is absolutely normal. Friends can also provide you with all possible help and support, but each of them will probably judge the situation from their own bell tower. It is important for you that your assistant is based not only on everyday experience and subjective judgments, but on knowledge of the psychology of the human soul. In war, all means are good. In this case, you are fighting a battle with yourself, defeating the complexes and shortcomings that could destroy your family.

Advice from a psychologist + Video

Even experienced psychologists cannot give a definite answer to this question. It is extremely difficult to establish relationships after separation, but if ex-spouses are ready to forgive and accept each other, they still experience feelings, reunification is quite possible.

Experienced experts recommend:

be a friend to your lover;
discuss what is important to you;
spend more time with your loved one;
maintain family traditions by involving children;
get rid of bad habits;
prevent situations that lead to scandals and quarrels;
make your chosen one fall in love with you again;
remember your common dreams and try to make them come true;
work on yourself, develop;
ask friends for advice and help;
get rid of shortcomings and complexes;
do not use tears, stinging or blackmail;
do not remember past grievances;
do not speak badly about your chosen one in front of relatives and friends.

Every person can make a mistake. There are no hopeless situations or problems that cannot be solved. Give your chosen one a chance. If there is love in a relationship, then you can always return harmony and peace to the family.