If it comes to divorce: how to save the relationship and save the family

Even if divorce from your husband seems inevitable, you can still save the relationship—and you don't have to drag your spouse to a therapist to do it. All you need is a push for change—and a little time. This is exactly what happens in families that have experienced a divorce and then resumed their relationship: a strong shake-up prompts the woman to change after the divorce - and the man reacts to this. Don't believe me?

One day, 16 years ago, my husband Paul came home in the evening only to announce to me that they were breaking up. He declared that our relationship was over and resolutely walked towards the door. And, you know, I was not surprised that my husband decided to leave. In those days, everything between us was worse than ever; suffice it to say that he called me the Snow Queen. However, I reacted very strangely.

After his words, I became hysterical. Before this incident, I had not cried for ten years, and this drove me crazy. I heard from someone that when a serious relationship breaks up, some people break down, while others open up. It must have been the latter for me, because due to the intensity of the pain and despair, I felt a surge of love for Paul that I had never experienced before.

Previously, when listening to love songs, I always considered them just poetry, unrelated to real life. And then I suddenly realized that such love for another person can actually be felt and that this is exactly what I feel for Paul. I was gripped by a new, unfamiliar fear - the fear of missing out on the chance to experience such love again due to the fact that I had made many mistakes.

And then, not yet having the skills to maintain relationships, I did the only thing I could think of at that moment - I asked Paul to give us a second chance. I said that everything he said about me and our relationship was true. I said I didn't know if I could fix everything, but I would do everything in my power to at least find out if it was possible.

I asked him for another chance. Thank God Paul decided to give it to us that evening.

As a personal development oriented person, I immersed myself in learning everything there is to know about men, women, relationships and intimacy, and was shocked to the core to learn how much was wrong with Paul and I in my relationship because... that I didn’t understand how men work. I also discovered that my habit of relying on anyone other than myself was cutting me off from what I most wanted from my husband.

And I have changed. I found ways to interact with Paul that respected gender differences and brought out the best in him and me.

The most surprising thing is that at that time Paul did not read books about relationships with me or go through any programs; I did it alone. And yet he, too, changed - in response to the changes taking place in me.

About a year later, noticing my transformation, Paul asked what I was reading and what he should learn, as he was very inspired by the change in me. It made him feel like a better man than before, he said, and now he wanted to do his part, too.

Don't criticize or insult your partner

When we feel that we cannot reach our partner and influence his decision, we often begin to say harsh, provocative words just to prolong the argument and keep his attention. But this will only exacerbate an already tense situation. Remind yourself that you cannot control your partner's behavior and try to come to terms with this.

Take a deep breath. Before you speak, think about what you want to express. Then the desire to say something offensive and humiliating will weaken.

How to Stop Pressing on Pain Points

What do you think happened? Nothing has changed in the world, your partner just pissed you off. Now you exchange “courtesy”, and both are involved in a skirmish. It didn't start out that way, but you quickly descended into personal insults.

One of the partners always changes the relationship by pulling the trigger—we call it the trigger. People and circumstances, whether pleasant or unpleasant, cause us to feel and react in certain ways.

Try to imagine how you would feel in each of the following situations. What emotions would this evoke in you?

• Your child comes home and says: “Today one boy in our class hit me and called me a fool.”
• Your partner says, “I love you so much. Every day I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I get to spend my days next to the best person on earth. Thank you for loving me."
• Your boss says: “You broke the performance record! Everyone is absolutely delighted with your amazing results!”

Each statement evokes a different emotion. This is how one person's behavior causes a reaction that instantly changes your state. This happens every day and most of us don't even realize it.

Triggers are a very powerful force. But they can be used to bring out the best in a person, not the worst. You can stop pressing your partner’s pain points and, on the contrary, bring out the best in him and help him improve and become himself. Once you do this, you will learn to maintain the love and passion you dream of.

Try to defuse the situation

Many couples on the verge of divorce are constantly in an incredibly tense emotional state, which is physically and mentally exhausting. Both sides are ready to defend themselves at the slightest provocation. The body seems to be stuck in a fight or flight state. It is impossible to communicate in this case.

In such a state, it is important to defuse the situation a little. Don't build additional walls around yourself when there are already so many barriers between you and your partner. Remember to laugh and relieve stress.

It doesn't take two for this dance

So, even one partner can change a relationship!
And this is very good news, because in my experience, two people in a relationship are rarely equally ready to change anything at the same time. Most often, either one is dissatisfied with the relationship, and the other thinks that everything is fine, or both admit that things are not going too well, and one wants to change something, and the other refuses to take part in it. All this puts people in a difficult dilemma: to settle down and be content with a relationship without joy, or to be subject to the pain and suffering that invariably accompanies separation. Both options are bad, and we offer you the third - not to put up, but to change the relationship. And for this you do not need to attract a partner . It doesn't take two to tango! One partner always changes the relationship. How does this happen?

Something similar has probably happened to you. The day is going just fine. Everything works out for you, you can easily cope with all problems. Then you meet your partner, and from the very first minute he begins to complain about life. What happens to your good mood? It immediately stops being great and drops below zero, right? But why? After all, nothing has changed! My answer is: your partner triggered a negative reaction in you, and your mood went down the toilet.

The next minute you say: “I’m having such a wonderful day. Why is there such negativity coming from you?”

Your words make your partner react like this: “You just don’t understand what it’s like for me. You have no idea how a person who has real problems feels!”

You say in response: “Why are you always dissatisfied with everything?”

Why do people get divorced

Photo by Mikhail Nilov: Pexels
All families are happy in the same way, but unhappy in different ways. And both partners have their own valid reasons why you can no longer be in the same space with each other. But the main problem is that people put their personal interests and desires first, rather than the needs of the family. What else is guaranteed to lead to a breakup?

• idealization of the partner and subsequent shock from the fact that reality does not meet expectations;
• lack of consideration for another person's feelings and fears;
• long-term financial difficulties, total lack of money and work in 3 shifts;

• emotional instability and numerous internal conflicts in one or both spouses;
• incorrect distribution of roles, aggressive dominance;
• betrayal, betrayal and loss of trust;
• different views on life, unwillingness to compromise;
• inability to admit your guilt, forgive your partner and let go of the situation forever.

The most difficult period in a relationship comes after the birth of a child. The wife experiences extreme stress after childbirth, the husband tries to support her as much as possible, but also suffers from lack of sleep, noise and lack of understanding of what awaits them in the future.

Both of them have no time to build the right relationships and save the marriage. All the energy goes into the baby. And when he grows up, it turns out that his parents no longer have much in common. But it is no coincidence that in Chinese the same character means “conflict” and “change.” Any crisis can become a catalyst and change life for the better.

Is it possible to solve the problem on my own?

You can solve problems on your own as a couple, but this path is quite long and difficult!

It is important for both partners to participate in the decision to achieve productive and desired results. Yes, it happens that when one takes some action to save the family, the second partner is also inspired by this and joins. As a result, the couple quickly achieves the desired result.

Important! You may or may not be able to save your marriage, and that’s normal. If you tried to save your family and it didn’t work out, perhaps the best solution would be to thank each other and go your separate ways. Yes, it happens that this is the only right path for a couple, and this is normal. This does not mean that either of you is not good enough or did not try hard enough to save the marriage.

If you still want to and are unable to figure out the relationship on your own, contact a specialist psychologist - this will significantly reduce your precious time, which you can use in a happy relationship!

Stages of relationship restoration

When the crisis in a couple has passed, try to do everything in your power to prevent the situation from recurring in the future. Psychologists recommend a gradual restoration of relationships, which will not only save the family from divorce, but also reach a new level of mutual understanding:

• Understanding. Your spouse is a separate person who has his own views on one or another aspect of life. Once you learn to listen to your significant other, a significant part of the journey of overcoming difficulties in marriage will be far behind you.
• Gratitude. In our society, it is not customary to express gratitude to each other, which leads to many conflict situations. A simple appreciation of your spouse’s investments and achievements will help you avoid divorce and family breakdown. Focus on the positive to re-remember why you fell in love with this person.
• Openness. The family is collapsing due to unreasonable expectations, so discuss with your spouse issues that are important for family well-being. Everyday chores or difficult events that accompany our lives (losing a job, caring for elderly or sick parents) can also cause love to fade, so be open with your partner about what and how you are unsettled. In turn, be prepared for the fact that your loved one also has something to tell you.
• Compromise. When we voiced advice on how a woman can avoid divorce, we recommended taking control of emotions. In addition to the ability to behave, you should also add that small concessions on your part will teach you to find common ground in communication with your partner.

Remnants of resentment and anger, as well as unresolved issues, can easily destroy everything that your marriage is based on. Moving on requires not only efforts to save the marriage, but also a desire to change oneself.

How to save a relationship

The problem or conflict that has arisen needs to be resolved, and not hushed up. Even when a relationship is on the verge of breaking down and divorce seems inevitable, trust can be restored and mutual understanding can be restored. The main thing is the willingness of both partners to act and work on the relationship. Psychologists recommend adhering to three basic rules to maintain warmth and mutual understanding.

• Do not be silent

Always talk about what you don't like or what worries you. A frank conversation will help you overcome the problem and find a way out. Lack of communication and inability to listen to each other causes misunderstandings between spouses. Make it a rule in your home to talk about desires and express grievances. Suppressed aggression will sooner or later result in a serious scandal, the cause of which can be a mere trifle.

Don't be afraid to talk about what you don't want to do; you don't need to go to the cinema if you want to relax and spend time at home. Your partner is not psychic, he cannot read minds, so you need to talk. Between spouses who tell each other about their dreams, share their impressions of the day, warm relationships and mutual understanding are maintained for a long time.

Communication should be easy and positive, remove negative tone, reproaches and harsh criticism. Always talk only about yourself, your feelings, without getting personal or insulting. Even after reconciliation, the offense remains in the memory for a long time.

It may seem difficult at first, but teamwork and effort will help restore trust in a family on the verge of breaking. Partners can experience a crisis in a relationship in different ways. Playing the silent game and waiting for the other to speak first is not the best position to save a marriage. Try to hear your spouse; perhaps the grievances and complaints are objective and deserve attention.

• Design change

Psychologists are unanimous in their opinion that you should not remake yourself for your partner. It is enough to analyze your actions and remove what poisons the relationship. There are two sides to the conflict. Discuss what you don't like and correct it. In families where a child appears, the woman pays all her attention to the newborn and forgets about her husband. This is dangerous behavior, so pay attention to your spouse, encourage him and praise him. Try to diversify your intimate life, give each other more time. Make your partner feel like they are important. Do only what you want, this will eliminate the accumulation of negativity and aggression.

When the situation reaches its maximum intensity, try to make informed decisions and speak thoughtfully. Any word said out of spite will cause a scandal and destroy all efforts made.

• Mutual respect

To maintain the warmth of your relationship, respect and accept your partner for who he is, do not try to change him. Another important factor for preserving a family is trust. Your spouse must be confident that he can share any information with you without it reaching other people. Never limit or prohibit something for your partner. Everyone should have a hobby that does not need to be suppressed or criticized. Even on vacation, don’t force your significant other to rest according to your own rules. If you like active recreation, and your husband/wife likes to sleep or go shopping, you shouldn’t make a scandal out of it. Let everyone have fun as they please. While your spouse is sleeping, you can go to the sea, having previously agreed on a time and meeting place.

The most important rule that will help save a family is the willingness of partners to work hard together, the ability to listen and respect. Surprise each other, develop. A free, enthusiastic person is interesting, you want to keep him, to match him.

General recommendations: how to prevent divorce

A marriage doesn’t fall apart overnight, and if you work on your relationship regularly, you will be able to avoid separation. Here's how you can get your relationship back on track with your wife:

• you need to talk more often and not avoid problematic topics;
• it is important to learn how to conflict;
• it is necessary to value each other’s personal boundaries;
• it is worth diversifying family life, refreshing emotions;
• need to take a break from each other.

Love is not always a solid foundation for a relationship. To prevent a family from falling apart, you need to put in a lot of daily work, patience, respect and understanding of each other’s needs. This is the only way to prevent divorce and build a happy relationship.

Causes

• Various types of addictions of one of the partners (alcohol, gaming, drugs).
• Emotional, psychological or physical abuse.
• Marital infidelity. One of the most common reasons for divorce.
• Inability to have children. Becoming a parent is the desire of many spouses, and the inability to realize this as a couple often becomes the reason for separation.
• Financial difficulties. Instability of the financial situation and lack of money are a powerful argument for many to file for divorce.
• Frequent, long-term business trips of one of the spouses.
• Lack of communication between couples. Communication is the cornerstone of relationships. The impossibility of quality dialogue in a couple leads to irritation and disappointment in the partner.
• Inability to reach an agreement. Often people cannot find common ground on current everyday, financial and relationship issues, and then divorce becomes the only solution for them.
• Difference in values, goals and aspirations.
• Unfulfilled expectations. People often enter into marriage with all sorts of expectations, illusions and fantasies about their partner. Later I come across the fact that their fantasies and expectations are far from reality; not wanting to agree with this or change anything, people choose divorce.
• Lack of intimacy in a couple. When partners live like neighbors, are not interested in each other’s lives, do not share events and feelings. When a couple lacks support and emotional intimacy, the opportunity to be different and to be understood and heard, all this can lead to separation.
• Inequality in relationships. This usually stems from a lack of agreement about each person's contribution to one or another area of ​​the couple. When one person seems to be doing more for the relationship than the other, this can cause resentment and anger towards the partner.
• Lack of preparation for marriage.
• Sexual dissatisfaction. Different sexual constitutions and reluctance to look for a solution can lead to infidelity and, as a consequence, to divorce. Shame speaks of one’s sexual needs, resentment that the other did not realize and did not realize, as a result of conflicts, tension leading to separation.
• Change in the health status of one of the spouses. Not everyone is ready to withstand their partner’s illness and physical changes. Indicate care and support to the extent that certain illnesses require.