Karpman's triangle: roles of victim, pursuer and rescuer

“The victim is not really as helpless as he feels; The Rescuer doesn’t really help, and the Persecutor doesn’t really have any valid claims.” Claude Steiner, psychologist, psychotherapist

1. Karpman triangle: general description of levels
2. Role #1 – Victim
3. Role No. 2 – Rescuer
4. Role #3 – Persecutor
5. How to understand that you are in a triangle?
6. How to get out of the Karpman triangle?

In 1968, transactional psychologist Stephen Karpman published an article that described a model of relationships between people, later called the Karpman triangle . It includes three roles: pursuer, victim and rescuer . The subjects of this triangle form so-called codependent relationships. What is their “game” and what are their roles in it? In this article we will describe behavior and typical traits, give examples

, we will explain why these are codependent relationships and what are their features.
And most importantly, we will give advice on how to get out of the triangle
.

Karpman triangle: general description of levels

Transactional analysts call relationships within this triangle codependent.

. In psychology, this term refers to a destructive type of relationship. In them, behind external communication at one level (for example, adult - adult), hidden - that is, through gestures, speech, intonation - communication is transmitted at different levels: adult - child. The Karpman triangle is a prime example of such a model.

This is a closed, mutually beneficial system of figures dependent on each other:

• the pursuer
  has a subject on whom he can pour out his own negativity, on whom he can take it out and at the same time blame this person for his troubles;
• the victim
  gets rid of responsibility for his life, shifts decisions to others, receives help, and also sympathy and support;
• the rescuer
  looks like a hero in his own eyes and in the eyes of other people and enjoys the role.

Games replace sincere communication filled with mature emotions and reactions. All participants are in a low-resource state, each of them lacks basic support, trust and self-love.

Immersing in one of these roles, a person begins to dissolve in illusions and ignore reality.

. In fact, he gradually loses himself, energy, personality and life. Getting out of such a relationship and throwing off the role you have taken on can be difficult, but it is possible. We'll talk about this below. In the meantime, a few important points:

• The roles of the Karpman triangle do not know gender
  . Any of them can be played by both men and women.
• Moreover, it does not necessarily involve only three people
  . A group of people, including very large groups, including the people, the population of the country, can play one role or another.
• Participants in a triangle can periodically change roles
  , as well as change roles within other triangles - consciously or unconsciously. In other words, at work a person can be a persecutor, in a relationship with a spouse - a victim, with a child - a rescuer.

No matter how hard it is to believe, each participant receives his own “benefit”

in such destructive relationships.
The game tends to drag on and on, destroying lives
. Let's look at how exactly this happens and what “benefits” players are looking for.

Victim behavior in relationships

The victim does not necessarily suffer for real. The main thing for her is to feel unhappy. This position is comfortable for her

Receiving confirmation of his status, the victim enjoys the attention, pity, and sympathy of others. With her behavior she provokes the aggressor, causing anger, threats, neglect

The behavior of the aggressor makes her feel shame, resentment, jealousy, envy.

A cocktail of sensations makes you feel alive. Without nourishment from the aggressor, she feels exhausted, unnecessary, and afraid of life. The victim can be a woman, a man, a child. Signs of victim behavior:

• passivity, immaturity, desire to shift responsibility to a partner;
• deliberate provocations, complaints, constant emphasizing one’s unenviable position;
• negative reaction to attempts to help, enjoyment of sympathy.

The victim is filled with self-pity and sincerely considers himself unhappy. But as soon as the opportunity to leave the relationship arises, she ignores it. Help in the form of sympathy is readily accepted, but more decisive actions of the savior are perceived as an encroachment on their relationship and actively resist

Role #1 – Victim

• Motto
  : "I'm not okay, you're okay."
• Feelings
  : suffering, helplessness, shame, envy, fear.
• Motive
  : to be in the position of a child, not to take responsibility for your life.
• Repressed
  : aggression.
• Quotes
  : “so unfair”; “It’s not my fault, it’s them...”, “because of you I have...”; “I am not appreciated”; “You can’t imagine how much I suffered”; “nobody loves me”; “poor me, poor me.”

Description of the victim

There is an opinion that the triangle begins with the victim. It is she who provokes the reaction of others, and they occupy one of two poles - the side of pity or anger. The victim has not matured inside
- he is a child who is not ready for decisions, choices, and responsibility for them.
Hidden aggression
gradually accumulates behind external helplessness , and the victim turns into a persecutor: “help” - “you’re not helping well,” “it’s all because of you.”
The victim occupies a position “under”, and therefore does not have freedom and is under control. The “benefit” that the victim seems to receive: the opportunity to feel sorry for himself, remain inactive and not change anything
.

See also the article “Victim Syndrome”

Examples

Anna has been living with Sergei for 3 years, hoping that he will pay off the loans and rent a larger house, then their life will improve, he will stop being rude and humiliating her. She is depressed, he threatens to break up with her, at these moments she experiences strong fear and a feeling of loneliness, begs him to come back.

Nina complains to her son about her tyrannical husband. My son is 38, he met a girl and decided to move in with her. Every day he receives sad calls and SMS about another scandal and his mother’s poor health. He breaks down and goes to the rescue every time. His relationship with his girlfriend is heating up.

“-1” stage of the triangle: VICTIM – CONTROLLER (PERSECUTOR) – SAVIOR

To call this stage of evolution basic would be incorrect, since people do not grow in it and do not even remain in one place. They are systematically degrading.

Let us remind you right away. One person is all three subpersonalities at once, he simply chooses one model of behavior more often, but he has everything that other subpersonalities have. By denying their manifestation in other people, the codependent denies himself.

VICTIM: emotions and thoughts

The main feelings that a person experiences when playing the role of a victim:

1. Resentment towards life. "Everything is bad. Life is evil. I can't change anything. Everyone insults me. I’m so good, but so unhappy.”

2. Enjoyment of suffering. The victim revels in his condition, feels like a martyr and therefore almost a saint. Internal message: “You’re offending me, but I’m actually very, very good. And I will show you all how good I am. Rate it again! This is where I’ll tell you what I think about you. This is where I’ll leave you all to the mercy of fate, you’ll have to wait.” In other words, the main claim to the world: I am underestimated, but I will prove it. Destructive, angry message. In order to ultimately humiliate the one who humiliates her, the Victim.

3. Wine. “I did it wrong. Now I need to make amends for my wrongdoing. I am bad". At the same time, there is a desire to rehabilitate yourself in someone’s eyes, but there is no way to draw conclusions. The main desire: to simply ease your worries.

4. Jealousy and envy. The source of these feelings is low self-esteem and an unconstructive attitude towards one’s capabilities. Other people's successes do not inspire, but make you feel the bitterness of defeat and irritation. In the worst case, there is a desire to harm the more successful. Taking away “what is rightfully due” means cases of blind jealousy.

5. Shame. It is curious that in addicts the sense of shame atrophies, but in codependents it becomes more acute. Moreover, a codependent person feels shame for his misdeeds. Basically, these are some completely insignificant little things that make him reflect and replay the situation again: what could I have done if...

The victim periodically falls into a state of depression, perceives the world inertly, and is not ready to change anything. There is a huge stagnation of energy in her, although outwardly she may seem active, businesslike, fussy, but all this is “fuss around the sofa.”

The victim, like any Soul that comes into the world, desires development, but a person in this state does not allow development, and the struggle with oneself deprives the person of power. The victim is constantly on edge and feels extremely tired.

"I'm tired!!!" - the cry of the Victim’s soul.

PERSECUTOR (CONTROLLER): emotions and thoughts

The controller is a pure sublimation of fear. He clings to the boundaries set by the DO and feels a lot of irritation that everything is not going according to his plan. Anger and impotent malice, suppressed aggression - these are the controller’s eternal companions.

The world for the controller is a place of evil and predictable, inevitable suffering. He is always looking for the “rear”, does not trust anyone, believes that he needs to take care of everything that happens. And it doesn’t even occur to him that he is unable to anticipate the situations that other people create. He can learn to react to some similar situations, and naively believes that he now has in his hands an instrument for controlling the world. That it can eliminate the causes of problems. But problems remain. And the only thing that can be done is to change the attitude towards these problems, and not to remove their source.

Anger and fear always live inside: the world is always unusual and provocative. The controller is unaware that any changes can cause improvements, even if they are painful. The controller is afraid of changes to the point of panic: because then his fragile little world with a bunch of rules will collapse.

He keeps track of everything. Checks everything! He takes care of everyone, even (and especially!) if he is not asked. He believes that his concern is for the good of everyone. He is sincerely surprised and annoyed that his care is not appreciated, and this becomes a source of conflicts and complaints.

In this case, the controller is the starting point from where energy is born. But it does not move in a circle, from one subpersonality to another. It simply appears, and for destructive reasons. For example: there is a problem - it needs to be fixed. (In Karpman's creative triangle

“+1”, note that energy is born from the desire to create and improve something, at least to observe what happens).

The Controller begins to put pressure on the Victim, who suffers, resists, gets irritated, and complains to the Savior. He begins to console the unfortunate woman, and the energy closes. No action occurs, energy flows into nowhere.

“I’m so tired of dragging you all along!!!” — the main complaint of the Controller.

SAVIOR: emotions and thoughts

The Savior plays the role of Mother Teresa. He protects the victim and takes pity on the Controller. And he acts as such a buffer, but in reality he is a coward. He is driven by pity and resentment (oh, you poor things, but I’m cooler, well, if that’s the case, I’ll help you! Pity! Oh, don’t appreciate it! Resentment!)

Guilt is the key emotion. Guilty for not helping (obliged, because by default I am obliged, I decided so long ago for myself for a variety of reasons), anger and irritation at the Controller (so-and-so, the offender!).

Resentment (you don’t appreciate, don’t respect, don’t notice my efforts, don’t value me at all).

The Savior takes pity on the Victim because she is weak and defenseless, and on the Controller because he has shouldered the load and is dragging it. In the end, everyone is sorry, everyone needs help, and the EGO of the Savior blooms like a lush laurel: “Where will you go without me? I reconcile you all here, I help everyone.” This is, perhaps, one of the few positive emotions in the entire “-1” Karpman triangle, from which, however, nothing useful grows. The same tension, stagnation of energy remains inside. They are not wasted anywhere.

The Savior encourages the destructiveness of the Victim, stimulates the Controller to work hard, encouraging him to spend even more energy. As a result, he takes all the power for himself. In fact, he is the most satisfied member of the trio. He at least gets the pleasure that he is not the worst in this pile of events.

“I feel sorry for you all!!!” - the main thought of the Savior.

Role No. 2 – Rescuer

• Motto
  : “I'm okay, you're not okay” (“You're helpless and hopeless, yet I'll try to help you”).
• Feelings
  : guilt, pity, pride.
• Motive
  : desire to assert oneself, to be needed, “good.”
• Repressed
  : helplessness.
• Quotes
  : “he/she can’t cope without me”; “how will I leave her/him”; “I advise you...”, “I feel sorry for you.”

Description of the rescuer

No matter how paradoxical it may sound, the rescuer here seeks to save not the victim at all, but himself
. Rushing to help, he recognizes himself as stronger, more capable, kinder, and more knowledgeable. He is engaged in the life of another, and this allows him to not think about his own life, problems, plans, etc. Salvation helps to rise, assert oneself and take a place “above” in these relationships. He wants to play the role of a “good boy/girl” in order to earn the recognition of others, but in fact, the recognition of his parents, which he was unable to feel in childhood.

Confusion of motives does not give joy from the assistance provided. Having not received due gratitude, the rescuer is in a low-resource, tired state

and, having strengthened control, can move into the role of a pursuer.

Examples

Elena is married to Sergei, he is an alcoholic. For more than 10 years, nothing has connected them except their son, a shared apartment and the past. She is afraid that Sergei will not cope and will not survive without her, so she maintains the relationship in the hope of a happy ending. She feels tired and frustrated.

Svetlana is 35 years old, her mother is sick after a stroke that happened 2 years ago. Mom is on bed rest. Every day after work, Svetlana rushes home to look after and help. She has no time to start relationships with men. Sometimes she spends time with her friends or relaxes, that is, she is not at work or with her mother, and during these short periods she feels guilty before her mother. Svetlana is confused and despondent. She is tired and feels the situation is hopeless.

Simple examples

Codependent people can live through the same scenario many times over the years of their lives. Let's look at examples.

1. An abstract man-parasite lives for himself. He is always in a free search, does not like to tear his butt off the sofa and overload his loved one with physical labor. He is a classic Victim .

He was not born into a rich family, all positions are based on connections and in general life is unfair to him.

He has a wife - the Persecutor , who nags him every day so that he begins to show at least some masculine qualities.

And there is also a mother who gives him her pension so that her son does not need anything. She is in the role of the Savior .

And this triangle of drama can last for decades. It’s just that from time to time the mother and wife will change roles

When the mother-in-law gets tired of her daughter-in-law's reproaches (and fair ones), she also becomes a Persecutor .

The wife may well get used to the role of the Rescuer , because whatever one may say, this is their family, and here is the mother with her lectures and principles.

2. Parents have different views on raising a child. A strict mother tries not to spoil her child, raises her according to strict rules and does not leave misdeeds unpunished. She is the Persecutor .

Dad, on the contrary, feels sorry for his baby. He pampers him with sweets, allows him to play video games until midnight, and easily forgives his misdeeds.

In this case, the child is destined for the role of Victim . Due to his age and changeable upbringing, he does not want to take responsibility, so he will pit his parents against each other.

In the end, he will win, and mom and dad will quarrel because they cannot come to a compromise.

Such a child will grow up lazy, helpless and with numerous complexes

The situation can change dramatically if an outsider is added to the triangle. For example, grandmother. She is always happy to spoil her grandson, this is a new Rescuer .

Then mom and dad unite, they will become Persecutors , because grandma is destroying their education system (albeit imperfect).

3. Another scenario: Masha quarreled with a guy. She came to her friend Nastya for advice. It’s clear that Masha is the Victim , the man is the Persecutor .

After the bottle of wine, Nastya gives advice: “Let’s send him away. We’ll find you a dozen others tomorrow.”

Masha does so, and then suffers from loneliness, blaming the Rescuer Nastya for all her troubles. And then Nastya becomes a Victim , because Masha the Persecutor will try to quarrel with everyone she knows.

4. And let's look at another version of the triangle. Just not in his personal life, but at work: his main sides are his subordinate, boss and colleague.

Let's assume that a subordinate has been assigned a super-important task: to fill out 10 contracts. Either the boss mixed up something, or the subordinate messed up, but there are only 8 completed documents.

The boss immediately takes the aggressive position of the Persecutor : “Don’t you know how to count? Yes, the investors will arrive in an hour. I'll fire you"

Subordinate - The victim does not know how to stand up for himself. It is easier for him to accept punishment (sometimes even undeserved), but to relieve himself of responsibility.

And here a kind-hearted Rescue and says: “Don’t worry, I’ll help you. Let me fill one out.” Well, the Victim is happy to put some of the responsibilities on someone else’s shoulders.

Roles may change. Let’s say that suddenly the Victim remembers that the post office has preserved a letter from the boss in which he asked to fill out exactly 8 ill-fated documents!

Now she moves into the position of the Persecutor : how is it that she was unfairly offended? Well, the boss, unwittingly finding himself in the role of Victim , will simply be forced to make concessions (give a bonus, raise the salary, and so on).

Analyze these situations. Maybe there are Rescuers in your circle, after whose help no stone remains unturned from your previous life?

Or maybe you have been playing the role of Victim or Persecutor for more than one year, but you yourself don’t notice it?

Role #3 – Persecutor

• Motto
  : “I'm okay, you're not okay” (“You're helpless and hopeless and it's your fault”).
• Feelings
  : anger, irritation, fear.
• Motive
  : desire to assert oneself, to gain the upper hand.
• Repressed
  : vulnerability.
• Quotes
  : “it’s your own fault,” “you don’t understand well”; "You provoked me."

Description of the pursuer

Often persecutors become people who were offended, scolded, and severely punished in childhood. They have received this impulse of cruelty and pass it on
, subconsciously trying
to compensate for the feeling of helplessness and shame
. By offending, persecuting, humiliating, reproaching, they take the “above” position and feel superior to the victim.

The “joy” of such self-affirmation is painful and destructive, because deep down cruelty does not help cure the pain. The persecutor is unhappy and feels like a victim.

Examples

Andrey lives with his wife. From his point of view, she is not capable of anything, and the whole house, finances and decisions are entirely on him. He does not consult with her, considering it pointless. At every opportunity, he tries to catch on and reproach him for stupidity and slowness. Periodically “let off steam” at her for the negativity that has accumulated during the day at work.

Alla lives with her seven-year-old son. The marriage did not work out; her husband left her with a child in her arms. Unconsciously, she is angry with her son and blames him for her difficult life, filled with everyday life, troubles, and unloved work. She is annoyed by the noise and chaos he makes at home. She yells at him, reproaches him, and often punishes him, which is why the son no longer obeys and does the opposite. She feels trapped in an unfair life situation.

Goodbye triangle. We had a good time...

Consistent implementation of several steps will allow you to weaken and, over time, completely remove your dependence on game scenarios and imposed behavioral patterns.

Step 1. It will determine everything further. Decide on your main role. Try, as far as possible, to rewind the film of life and understand in what roles you entered the “first act” of a protracted performance, which corner of the “triangle of power” became your entrance. Hints: This is the role you fall into most often in game scenarios. It's where you feel most comfortable. In this role, your environment most often perceives you.

Step 2. Determine for yourself who at the current moment is most often the Persecutor for you, who is the Rescuer and who you like to “build” yourself. Make a list of your regular gaming partners in their usual roles.

Step 3. Now invert the Roles, filling them with new, constructive content:

Against this background, your Persecutor will become a tough but wise Teacher for you, for it has been proven more than once: “Our enemies and those who always interfere with us are our best teachers.” The role of your Rescuer will be replaced by the role of an Assistant or, at most, a Guide who knows more than you - similar to the role of a fitness trainer or coach. Your Victim will turn into a diligent student who needs your advice, but not your participation and active help.

– If you have determined that at the current moment you yourself are a Victim, start learning.

– If you are surprised to recognize the Rescuer in yourself, immediately give up the illusion that the one who calls for your help is weak and weak. By agreeing with his position, even with good intentions, you are doing him a disservice, because you are doing what he asks FOR him, completely blocking his opportunities to develop and learn something new.

It is fundamentally important to understand:

⚓ The victim is your tempter, and your desire to help is a temptation. You, as a Rescuer, in turn, tempt the Victim, provoking him to turn to you for help and relieve himself of responsibility. A person must make his mistakes himself - these are His mistakes and His chance to gain life experience. Then the Victim will not become a Persecutor for you later, and he will not blame mortals for everything. That is why the famous psychotherapist Alekseychik A.E. asked his Victims at the first appointment the same question: “What did you do so that I (or someone) could help you?”

⚓ If a person himself wants nothing and does not try to change, then help is not possible. A person who is lying can only be helped by “lying down.” In the same way, it is impossible to help someone who is not trying to get up, is only thinking about how to get up, or has only one desire to get up. You can only help someone who gets up or makes an effort to get up. You can refuse help that corrupts a person without offending him. So, for example, to do this, it is enough to offer the Victim several options for choosing a solution at once, leaving the choice itself to him.

⚓ Quitting the game is always a way out of your life scenario, getting rid of the dictates of your unconscious life plan.

How to understand that you are in a triangle?

Follow yourself:

• How often do you complain about life, your husband, your neighbor, your boss, or the government?
• How often do you discuss bad news in conversations with friends and acquaintances?
• How often do you help and advise, even if you were not directly asked or asked for it?
• How often do you blame other people (both close and not so close, for example, the government) for your own problems?
• How often do you find yourself thinking that others are luckier than you?

If you answered “Often” to at least one of the questions, you are most likely in the game

.
And not necessarily in relationships with your spouse or family members. You can walk in circles of this triangle endlessly, but to get out, you need to mature psychologically
. How to do it?

How can you recognize the Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor in a dialogue based on your feelings and observations?

Your feelings and observations will help you determine who is currently in front of you - the Persecutor, the Rescuer or the Victim.

– When you listen to or watch the Rescuer, you feel a sense of pride for him or bewilderment at how far this person goes in his desire to help others.

– When you listen to the Victim or watch her, you feel acute mental discomfort - you experience pain FOR her, you find yourself looking for a way to help, and you actively sympathize.

– When you listen to the Persecutor or watch him, you are literally overwhelmed with barely concealed indignation, either towards those he is talking about, or towards the Aggressor himself.

How to get out of the Karpman triangle?

I. Transfer the focus of attention from others to yourself, your desires, personal growth and development

. You can do this yourself by keeping a diary and reflection (we'll talk about this in more detail below). Or you can - at an appointment with a psychologist or through training in the direction of “personality psychology”.

II. Many people know three subpersonalities according to E. Berne: that inside us there is a child, a parent and an adult.

• A child
  is that part of the Self that has been preserved inside us since childhood, from the age of 4-5. This is a living, defenseless and reverent part that is responsible for our feelings, emotions, desires.
• The inner parent
  is the part copied from your parents or significant adults.
• The inner adult
  is the part that analyzes reality, chooses an adequate response, and is responsible for will and decision-making.

For personal growth you need:

1. Develop the adult part
   . To do this, you need to reflect more often and analyze your behavior. Do exercises to develop concentration. Ask yourself questions:
   What's happening now?
2. What am I doing?
3. Why am I doing this?
4. Does it benefit me or harm me?
5. What can I change, improve?
6. Take care of your inner child
   . You need to pay attention to him, give him care and warmth. Through self-dialogue, find out what he would like and do it. There are effective podcasts and meditations on this topic. In psychotherapy, in order to hear oneself, they use the “hot chair” method, where next to themselves they mentally imagine their childish part in the mind of a boy or girl and conduct a dialogue with him, hug him, promise to take care of him. If your inner child is happy and warm, you will have the resources to live your life, you will have interest in yourself, plans, and hobbies. The idea of ​​playing games will become dull and uninteresting; it will be a pity to waste your time on it.
7. Transform the inner parent from a critic to a supporter
   . Every time you hear criticism within yourself (“you were wrong again,” “what a freak,” “no one is waiting for you there,” “no one will like your work”), you will remember the joke: “You draw poorly.” - And you criticize badly. Replace criticism with praise and support - first correct yourself as part of the exercise, and then it will automatically become a habit.

III. If the game doesn’t let you go, it means that secondary benefits are more attractive to you than the idea of ​​living your life

. Become aware of them, reflect: are they so great that you waste the time that fate has given you on illusions and manipulations. When your subpersonalities come into balance, the inner adult part will have the resource to take responsibility for its own life, let go of control and allow others to be adults, independent and make their own choices. You will have an interest in fulfilling yourself, manifesting yourself, living without disturbing others. As a result, codependent relationships will become meaningless and unattractive for you.

Remember, if you cannot get out of the Karpman triangle on your own, do not neglect contacting a specialist.

Who helps you leave the “-1” triangle?

These are people from the “+1” triangle, where the Victim becomes a Player, the Savior becomes a Provocateur (Motivator), and the Controller becomes a Philosopher.

And this is really very difficult: to move into a new type of relationship on your own, and why is understandable: the environment will cling to your arms and legs, trying to return you to the old circle (reproaching you for the past, demanding familiar things in the old fashioned way, mocking attempts to change, and so on Further). This is a normal reaction of people and therefore it is important and should be ignored, but it is difficult to do it alone. We need help from more mature individuals.

We need a new behavior strategy. Let's see what subpersonalities live in the “+1” triangle.

How does the Philosopher, former Controller, act? He observes situations from the outside. If there is no visible result, then there is always experience. And this leaves the Philosopher in a calm, relaxed state, even if not everything happens as planned.

Even if everyone around him claims that what the Philosopher did was wrong, he does not get upset and believes: “I did it this way, so that’s what I needed.”

The philosopher mainly proves nothing to anyone. But there is a small nuance here: it depends on the degree of moral maturity of the person. The more a person proves and argues for the sake of arguing, the less maturity he has, and the closer he is to the “-1” triangle. The Philosopher's background reaction: the joy of learning about the world, curiosity, uniform comfort in assessing events.

The Hero's subpersonality implies studying the world through the example of his reactions. First of all, he evaluates his actions from the point of view of usefulness for himself, and only then their interest to others. Background reaction to the world: excitement, interest, inspiration, joy from success, boredom if nothing happens for a long time, but constructive, motivating boredom. Sadness if you lose, but not a feeling of guilt, thanks to which the Hero quickly slides back into the position of the Victim.

In the pair of Hero and Philosopher, there is a uniform exchange of energy. Let's give an example. If the Controller and the Victim try to put pressure on each other and force them to follow their rules, then the Hero commits actions, and the Philosopher observes and accepts the results as a fact.

For example, an alcoholic gets drunk and skips work

. The Philosopher silently watches as the Hero gets out of the situation and loses his job. This is his job and his area of ​​responsibility. The controller would start teaching and giving advice, but the Philosopher is silent. The victim would blame himself, the Hero draws conclusions and makes a decision.

The internal behavior of the Hero echoes the behavior of the internal Philosopher. “If I was fired from my job, I was already fired. Now we need to take this calmly. And... do something!”

The third subpersonality is the Motivator, the former Savior, who now does not justify the Hero’s weaknesses and does not feel sorry for the Philosopher (there is nothing to feel sorry for him, he does not strain and does not suffer). The motivator is happy for the hero and encourages him, painting him rosy pictures of the future that awaits him if the Hero tries. The provocateur examines the behavior of everyone around him, doing some actions and observing what happens.

The internal subpersonality of the Provocateur manifests itself both when the internal Hero is turned on (the person himself performs actions and evaluates them himself, acts as both a Hero and a Provocateur), and when the Philosopher is activated (the person himself thinks “what would it be if” and reacts himself, but within himself, that is, he plays two roles at once: Philosopher and Hero).

Let us recall that each subpersonality has a feminine and masculine nature, and it does not matter who plays the role, a man or a woman. Thus, the subpersonality of the Hero manifests itself as a man, when the Hero decides to take actions and new events, and as a woman, when the Hero thinks whether he can accept new circumstances and be happy at the same time.

A philosopher acts like a man when he analyzes mistakes and draws conclusions, and like a woman when he does not feel anger or irritation at what is happening.

The provocateur acts like a man when he creates situations, and like a woman when he responds with emotions and feelings that are not typical for the “-1” triangle. Forces yourself to feel something new and not aggressively accept it within yourself.

Now let’s see what will happen if the subpersonalities of the “+1” triangle begin to interact with the subpersonalities of the “-1” triangle?

As a rule, for the “-1” triangle this experience is painful.

Let's say the Victim goes to the Savior (who has become the Provocateur), expecting another portion of consolation and support, but is met with irony and sarcasm. It hurts! And it's a shame. And only if the victim has sufficient potential, is she able to reach out to the teacher-Provocateur and follow his reasonable promptings. More often, the Victim does not plan to change anything and, not finding sympathy, gets angry with the Provocateur.

You won't be able to hear the controller either. The Victim is used to living according to the instructions of others, but the Philosopher will not do anything, he will simply leave the Victim alone. In need of a kick and advice, the Victim either begins to delve deeper into his grief and fall even deeper, that is, remains at the same level, or the spirit of contradiction awakens in her, and she automatically begins to provoke herself (this is ideal when a person from the triangle “ +1" manages to stir up the person in the triangle "-1" and encourage them to change. Unfortunately, this happens extremely rarely.

Example:

the alcoholic husband begins to be insolent to his wife, intuitively trying to achieve a reaction of anger and teaching in order to get at least some portion of the usual energy. The Philosopher wife does not pay attention, but the Provocateur wife immediately makes fun of her husband’s behavior or behaves in an unusual way, for example, she genuinely has fun looking at such behavior. The husband, not getting what he wanted, loses the motivation to pretend to be a sufferer and awakens anger (suppressed aggression is transformed into action), a hidden reserve that forces him to change behavior.

From an actor-Victim, he becomes a Hero, that is, he does what he really wanted, for example, at least goes to sleep, instead of doing his usual duties. That is, he makes, albeit incorrectly, an independent choice.

Further, the scenario can develop along a constructive or destructive path, because each step is a choice: to act as in the “-1” triangle or as in the “+1” triangle.

This choice is always made consciously. But to do this, a person must imagine exactly what behavioral traits keep him in the old behavior pattern.

If, after the awakening of the alcoholic Hero, the wife plays the role of the Controller (“I slept through work again!”), then everything will return to normal. And if he turns on the Philosopher, that is, does not react in any way, the alcoholic will be forced to solve the problem himself. And here again there is a choice: he may decide (Hero), or he may not decide (Victim). And again the wife’s reaction is in response: irritation (Controller), acceptance (Philosopher). And so on. And if at least one of the two maintains the bar, sooner or later the second will have no choice: either he will begin to change, or the one who has grown out of a destructive relationship will realize that it is time to simply leave the unnecessary alliance.

Let's give another example

, and describe reactions to the behavior of an alcoholic from the perspective of subpersonalities of different triangles.

The husband drank (the role of the Victim). Feels helpless, useless, offended and angry.

Wife-Controller: creates a scandal, attracts mother-in-law or mother-in-law to help, the next morning she tries to clean the room and wash the Victim’s clothes (in this case she becomes the Savior). Listens to her husband’s complaints in the morning and his apologies (takes the position of the Victim, the husband takes the position of the Savior).

Wife-Philosopher. Look at your husband’s behavior and he doesn’t do anything. Decides next time not to justify her husband to the neighbors (Hero’s decision). In the morning, in response to her husband’s complaints, she says: “Do you like to drink? Love and headaches” (accepts the role of Provocateur).

How to move from Victim to Hero?

So, to think like a Hero, tell yourself the following phrases and strive to do this every time another attack of irritation and resistance to the situation brews inside you.

1. Why am I complaining about these people. How can I fix the situation MYSELF?

2. They are not obligated to solve my problems.

3. What happens to me is my choice. If they behave this way, then I allow it.

4. I don't have to make excuses. It is my choice. But the responsibility is also mine. I am ready that the reaction of others will not be pleasant for me. But I do this myself, and they have the right to react this way.

5. If I am given advice, I should use it, and not blame others and complain about them.

6. I need to find a way to decorate my life without the help of others. I must be able to do what I like and not expect praise.

How to move from Rescuer to Provocateur

1. No one needs my advice and my “truth” until they ask. I'll keep my opinion to myself.

2. I am not God and I don’t know how others should live. They can handle it themselves.

3. I will not promise something that I still cannot deliver.

4. I don't expect gratitude. If I want to help, I will help. If I help so that they will praise me, I will not do it, they may not praise me, it will be unpleasant for me that I did not do it from the heart, but for the “carrot”.

5. No one owes me or should thank me for my actions. This is their right, not their obligation. Consequently, I am not obliged to do everything that I did before for them, this is my RIGHT, not an obligation.

6. I must love myself and increase my self-esteem. By currying favor and doing “good”, I do not become a better person. On the contrary, it seems that I am respected even less. To be loved just like that, I have to love myself just like that, and not for completed tasks.

7. If I really want to help someone, I stop and think: will this really help? Or will the person take advantage of my help again and act as usual? Then how can I help? I cause harm and do not allow him to cope with himself.

Three tips for every day

So, in order to eventually leave the Karpman triangle zone, you need to:

1. Learn to monitor your thoughts, feelings and actions - develop awareness. This will help you more accurately determine the role to which you are more attached.
2. Change your assessment of what is happening, rewrite the roles to constructive ones - the Persecutor - to the Teacher, the Rescuer - to a more experienced Trainer, the Victim - to the role of the Student. See your relationships in a new context.

• Advice to the Persecutor: accept the world, people and their actions as they are, without trying to reshape them in your own image and likeness.
• Advice to the Victim: start learning and accepting responsibility for yourself and your actions.
• Advice to the Rescuer: stop perceiving the people around you as weak and helpless creatures who will disappear without your help. Do not relieve them of responsibility and the opportunity to make their own mistakes and gain experience.

It is extremely difficult to leave the playing space of the Karpman triangle overnight. To do this, for example, the Victim, who plays based on his life position I - “I AM BAD,” will have to honestly admit that he is a Loser who has achieved nothing in life, a person who cannot change anything on his own, etc. But as soon as If she agrees with this fact, she will again feel like a Victim and again go looking for her Savior.

Therefore, in order to leave this amazing, but limited and illusory world of human delusions in the past, we will have to work hard. The work is difficult, but the stakes are high. This is worth remembering when doubt arises about the correctness of the chosen path.

Only babies are absolutely helpless

We also should not do those things for others that they are able and should do for themselves (not for us!). Other people are not as helpless as we often think - just like ourselves. There is only one category of absolutely helpless people - infants. They are 100% helpless. But further helplessness is relative: this applies to a small child, a person with brain damage, and a person with serious physical impairments. Depending on what happened to a person, we can talk about his helplessness or his limited ability to work, so to speak.

So, what should we do with our wards who really feel bad, who can’t do much? How can we relate to them? At the Research Institute of Neurosurgery named after. Burdenko, where we went as volunteers to the children's departments, children were mainly of three categories: these were children with tumors, lesions of the brain and spine, most often malignant; these are children with cerebral palsy who need surgery; children with a severe form of epilepsy, when there is a very large number of seizures - many dozens of seizures per day, who also need to solve this problem surgically. There are children with other problems - with cysts, with incorrect formation of the skull, but still they are a minority.

For example, we come to a child who cannot do anything. This is what he says about it himself:

- What can you do? - Nothing. - What do you want? - Nothing.

We begin to communicate somehow and find out that the person really loves to draw, but cannot.

- Let's find out, let's figure it out with you, friend. -Can you sit down? - Can. -Can you transfer to a wheelchair? - I can not. – Do I need to pick you up for this? - No, no, I myself. I need to give my hand and hold the stroller so that it doesn’t move away. - OK. Do you want to go to the playroom? - Want. - Go. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to draw? - I want but I can not. -What can’t you do? - I can’t do anything. - Well, now you’re going to start drawing, what’s going to stop you? - Leaf will travel. - That is, if we now attach the sheet with buttons to the table, then everything will be fine? - Yes.

And that's how we move forward. What is important to us? The important thing is the attitude that I convey to the child: I only want to do for you what you yourself cannot do. I want to help you and I will help you with what you cannot. Here, however, there is one more thing: you are a shy person, I am a shy person, but you will have to ask for help. It is absolutely impossible to do something for someone else, assuming that he cannot do it. Of course, I’m simplifying now, but in fact, this is how we are moving forward little by little. And it turns out that the child needs the help of a volunteer three or four times to create a masterpiece.

What are the benefits?

• The victim is “comfortable” to feel offended; she constantly suffers. Often the Victim herself incites the Aggressor. Emotions of the victim: resentment, suffering, guilt, shame, envy.
• The main feature of the Aggressor is the desire to dominate the Victim through manipulation and control to increase self-esteem. Aggressor's emotions: irritability, anger.
• The Rescuer asserts himself through pity for the Victim and the desire to protect her. Emotions of the Rescuer: resentment, anger, pity, guilt.

There is tension in the body of the Victim, Aggressor, and Rescuer, which can later develop into psychosomatic diseases.

All three roles shift responsibility for their emotions, feelings, and their lives onto the shoulders of others. Everyone is afraid to be sincere and honest, first of all, with themselves. They do not want to realize the destructiveness of such relationships. There can be no talk of any personal growth here.

Willingness to be alone and stand before God

This is a very long journey, many years. I’ve been trying to follow it for eight years now, and it seems to me that I’m still very far from the goal. But, nevertheless, this is the way to work with anger. The Apostle Paul tells us that we must stretch out clean hands to God in prayer without anger or doubt. That is, there must come some point where there is no longer anger. The cost of exiting the Karpman triangle is very high, therefore we cannot rush ourselves, blame ourselves, or blame our ward.

The price of leaving the Karpman triangle is to give up games and illusions. This is an agreement to be misunderstood by another person, this is a willingness to be alone. This is a readiness for accusations, manipulation, and frustration on the part of our ward. This is the willingness to change your plans, values, goals in life. This is coming to terms with the possibility of relapse. If I again enter the Karpman triangle, it means that I am a living person who is wounded by original sin, who is wounded by some experience that I may not know about, but perhaps I do know and treat myself with mercy.

A person who comes out of the Karpman triangle who faces God has no guarantees. This is a person who came out of slavery, like from Egypt, where there is stability, where there are “meat cauldrons.” This is a person who takes the world from the hands of God and returns it there. This is ideally a holy person, we are not like that, but in all cases we are in that direction.

Drawings by Dmitry Petrov

Vicious circle or musical chairs?

When one person completes the game, the mechanism falls apart. The Drama Triangle is needed by participants to prevent closeness and intimacy - writes Karpman - it postpones the resolution of important issues, for example, resolving the Victim's problems or realizing the Rescuer through some other activity. All three find themselves face to face with their problems, and in order not to drown in them, they restart the game. Perhaps the composition of the participants will change, but the roles will be the same.

Before the demons begin to tear their masters apart, the players need to retake their seats, as in musical chairs. For example, if the Rescuer wins and the Victim is spared the torment of the Persecutor, the Victim herself becomes the aggressor and unleashes her anger on the liberator, shouting: “I didn’t ask to be saved like that, you destroyed everything!”

Many people who want to avoid responsibility love this game of Triangle, but writers love it even more. The Karpman Triangle has become an ideal diagram for constructing conflicts and plot twists for films, comics and TV series. For example, the relationship between Batman and the Joker is built on this model. They take turns playing the role of Victim and Persecutor, Pursuer and Rescuer, depending on which character will become the third participant in their game. A similar model can be found in the cartoon Rapunzel and in every Marvel studio film.

In his book, Karpman describes on triangles not only the games of friends and enemies, lovers and spouses, but also the plots of dysfunctional families, office stories, “games of swindlers” and alcoholics. All these stories with example situations help the reader to recognize in time that he is being drawn into such a game.

Me, God and the other

I'll start by talking about relationships.
Moreover, about “difficult relationships.” The most annoying thing is that books on dysfunctional relationships discuss certain stories in great detail, but when you are waiting for them to tell you how to get out of this situation, the book ends. There are no ready-made recipes. Therefore, I will tell you about my understanding and about the design that appeared to me as a result of reading, communicating with our wards, volunteers, and our comrades. This is a completely personal view, born from the search for answers to your own questions.

The first thing I wanted to find for myself was a model of healthy relationships between people . What might she look like? And then she was found. Graphically it can be expressed as follows.

There is me, and there is another person. We stand on the same line. There is God above us. If I and the other stand on the same line, if we are absolutely equal, this is correct. It should be. But how is the balance maintained, what happens in this communication?

After some time, I came to the conclusion that this is a space of love and respect: my love for God, my love for myself and my love for another person, as well as my respect for myself, respect for God (which Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh) and respect for another person.

Erich Fromm, a thinker, psychotherapist, and somewhat of a religious figure, spoke well about love - he has very deep biblical roots in everything he says. And he says that love is not a feeling. Love is a conscious free action. If love were a feeling, it could not be commanded to us.

Respect means that I respect the values, choices, lifestyle, opportunities, feelings of another person. I also respect God’s choice in relation to myself, to the situation in which my ward and I find ourselves. Love and respect for everyone equally.

But I felt that the basis, the line on which I and the other “stand as equals,” was constantly fluctuating. I find myself lower and higher. It turns out to be a kind of “swing”. It was very difficult to understand what was happening. There is an opinion that the cause of the imbalance is a violation of the sense of self-worth. They say that this is established in childhood, very early, before the age of three. And to feel my self-worth as a gift from God is something that is still unattainable for me. But I believe the statement that my sense of worth has nothing to do with my achievements or how other people treat me, and it does not change in any way if I make any mistakes. And this applies to every person.

If in communication I leave this “swing”, my counterpart and I really find ourselves on the same line in the space of love and respect. And then I don’t need to swing on this “swing”, compensating for my inner pain, my inner feeling of inferiority, which comes to me, like to any person, at some point.

I think each of us has the experience of some kind of miracle that God performs, finding himself among us, covering us with his love - then we ourselves, without making any effort, find ourselves in the space of a genuine meeting. What happens to us when we get there? We are good. And when we part, we certainly experience some fatigue, but we are not left with a feeling of anger and exhaustion (when we want to say: well, we just talked, now I’m exhausted, and tomorrow I have to go to work in the morning, how can that be? ?). And now all these wormholes are gone. We're just grateful and we feel good.