So, we are now talking about a situation in which it became known that you cheated on your partner with another person. These first minutes, hours and days and how you behave, your partner will remember and replay in his head more than once.
Let's look at a few basic mistakes that aggravate the situation and cost sleepless nights and mental health to everyone involved in the process. Especially if the relationship with the partner you deceived is dear to you and you want to save your couple.
The secret became clear. After all, from time to time you involuntarily thought about what would happen if the deception was revealed. So you have an obvious advantage: you are prepared for what is happening, but your partner is not, they only found out about it now.
So, everything was revealed. It is unpleasant to be a source of pain for another person, but the situation with betrayal has a dual specificity: you are the reason why the other person is in pain, and you are most likely the one from whom comfort is expected.
You should take into account that the behavior of the person you cheated on and who just found out about it may be ambivalent: they may curse you and at the same time seek your support, they may drive you away and immediately be killed because you left.
They will ask you a thousand questions and will not want to listen to the answers. Be prepared for this. This is how acute stress affects a person, and if you owe your partner anything, it is not to leave him or her in this situation, at least in the first hours or days.
And there are also your own feelings of guilt and shame, and they, unfortunately, quickly burn out in the spiritual furnace and turn into... irritation and anger. Yes, one of the most common reactions at such moments is anger at your partner.
We don't like to feel bad, so anger quickly shifts to those who - we think - make us feel that way. These are echoes of our upbringing. Who in childhood was not reproached by a teacher, who was not reprimanded by his father? We all have a developed reaction to accusations.
But this story is yours. And therefore, now it is you who will have to cope with both yourself and the emotions of the other.
Therefore now:
Don't pretend it's not a problem
Why:
Relationships are a matter of two. And it’s not just up to you to decide. If you think that one time doesn’t mean anything, or that sex didn’t happen, or that your intimate correspondence with a colleague is just friendship, or that you were drunk and couldn’t control yourself, but your partner or partner sees it differently, there is a problem. At the very least there is a communication problem between you.
Don’t devalue your partner’s feelings by saying, “Well, you’re worried about something stupid.” Whether your betrayal is nonsense or not - now you are not the only one who decides.
What to do:
We must admit that there is a problem.
The Queen forgave Glushko
The sharp change in Sergei Glushko’s rhetoric from admitting treason to accusing the media of spreading rumors and interfering in the private lives of artists probably happened for a reason. Tarzan, at least in the deleted scandalous video, made it clear to his wife that he loves and respects her, and cheating is a mistake made in an inadequate state.
In a conversation with PolitRussia, psychologist Natalya Tolstaya noted that betrayal does not put an end to the family. At the same time, she emphasized that a man’s decent behavior after the incident can “glue” a marriage together.
“Marriage can be successful. There are many such examples in my practice. A man is polygamous, and love, as Bulgakov said, sometimes jumps out from around the corner,” she noted.
According to the speaker, betrayal can be completely different: to the Motherland, blood, parents, children. Cheating on each other means that one day two strangers came, looked into each other’s eyes and decided to be together, and then one falls out of the nest, the psychologist adds.
“Yes, this is betrayal. Also, this injured pride is terribly offensive, but depending on how the couple behaves, it will be clear whether they will survive or not,” says the interlocutor of PolitRussia.
According to the psychologist, if one fell in love on the side and wants to build a new unit of society, it is almost impossible to save the couple, you need to leave with dignity. At the same time, of course, there is no need to insult your partner; you should tell him: thank you, forgive and let go.
“It’s more honest. And millions of people all over the planet do this, then live in a second, third or even fourth marriage. This is the norm in human terms,” the expert said.
PolitRussia
Don't devalue your relationship
Many victims receive a kind of relief when they hear that “she can’t hold a candle to you, I’m just attracted to variety / the demon has led me astray.” One of the painful questions at such moments is: what did he/she have that I didn’t have? Why is he or she better?
There is a great temptation to answer such questions: “nothing” - and begin to describe the imaginary and real disadvantages of the third party. Showing mercy? But in the long term, phrases like “she didn’t mean anything to me”, “it was a random partner”, “he can’t be compared to you” and so on do not help, because they do not explain why this insignificant person turned out to be you more interesting than your main relationship, and why did you go for it then.
And also because now your partner knows that you are capable of casual relationships. And also because one day, when things have calmed down, your partner will realize that you probably told the same thing to the other party.
What to do:
For example, answer: “It’s not about comparisons. It's about me."
Treason for treason
Question answer
Why don’t women take care of their appearance at home? This reaction reminds me of the expression: I’ll buy a ticket to spite the conductor and not go. In pursuit of revenge, in most cases you will only punish yourself. Cheating on a husband or loved one is always a very big tragedy, because it is a betrayal. But you need to understand that when a woman leaves, for example, for a resort, to forget herself and go to all kinds of troubles, as they say, in fact, at that moment she does not need sex, but to feel that someone needs her, that she another woman, that she is sexy, that she can be loved and wanted. As you understand, a short affair will give you all this for a very short period of time. When a woman comes home after experiencing a holiday romance or just some dubious relationship, apathy will set in, because she will understand that her husband has left and her lover was simply using her. After short affairs, a woman rarely has the feeling that she used a man for her own purposes; usually she comes to the realization that he used her like a toy. Therefore, there is no need to undertake such an experiment; it will not help solve the problem, and perhaps will only make it worse.
Don't praise your relationship
Does this recommendation seem absurd to you? But many people do this, thinking to explain to their angry or upset half why this happened. “He was a great kisser,” “she took such touching care of me,” “you’ve gained weight, but she’s slim,” “you’re always at work, and he’s nearby...”
The meaning boils down to one thing: “In our relationship, I was missing something, and I borrowed the lack from the side.”
Refrain from making such excuses. No person can be reduced to any single characteristic: weight, age, character type. And not a single sign or lack thereof is an excuse for your choice. But such remarks can hurt easily and for a long time.
Asks to return to family
According to psychologist Natalya Tolstoy, the most important thing in a couple is to treat each other as human beings, even if there has been betrayal.
“Sometimes men who have walked around the world, tried many women, come back and ask to be let back into their hearts and souls. And after the break all the bells will ring. Some say that you shouldn’t return to your former lovers, others tell you how everything starts to burn. Therefore, it is important to treat the partners humanely,” she said.
At the same time, the psychologist added that a cheating man should absolutely not be told about how and what happened and is happening on his side. According to the specialist, some unfaithful husbands come to their wives and cry, telling them that everything is bad.
“Or, on the contrary, some people say: I’ll buy you an apartment right now, take your things and leave. The woman falls into shock, because she is not considered at all. Here, too, you need to include reasonable egoism and evaluate the situation: is this really a good monument to his attitude towards me or a sop,” says the expert.
Natalya Tolstaya advises those who have been cheated on to act “the American way.”
“It is necessary, like the Americans: on the first page of the notebook - the numbers of a lawyer, a lawyer and a personal psychotherapist. It is impossible for divorced girlfriends to act as advisers, who will shout: leave him, kick him out, he is bad. You can’t go to any sites where strange people without an avatar will “advise” something.
We need a psychologist who will individually look at the situation from all sides: as if you are on stage, and he is in the audience watching what and how. Here it is important that the specialist has his own happy family, children, and not just theoretical knowledge,” the psychologist is sure.
Don't pretend to be a partisan during interrogation
Why:
This is especially absurd or cruel when you are practically “caught by the hand.”
Playing partisan during an interrogation, simply repeating “nothing happened” and “you’re making it all up” where everything is quite clear, is like putting someone else in front of a wall on which it is written in large letters: “I have a new life without you - and so it is.” and will be".
Many people caught cheating seem to think that if you remain silent about something, it will sooner be forgotten. This is wrong. By avoiding conversation in this way, you are once again rejecting your partner. If your goal is to save the relationship or end it peacefully, then this is a bad tactic.
What to do:
Stay in touch. You can refuse to comment on something, you can limit the time of conversations and assign a place for them, but just don’t play the silent game.
Might be interesting
Sexual ethics in the digital age: is virtual rape and betrayal possible online?
Head over heels in love and completely terrified: where do fears come from in relationships?
How to psychologically cope with betrayal?
Marta Marchuk notes that the only sure way to protect yourself from the fear of betrayal is to enter into a relationship as a self-sufficient person and understand perfectly well that even if this relationship ends, life will not collapse, no one will die of hunger, no one will be left on the sidelines of life. Even if the relationship collapses and you find out that you were cheated on, it is important to understand that this did not happen because there is something wrong with you, that you made some mistake or did not deserve love and happiness. It's just what your partner did. When a person is self-sufficient, be it a woman or a man, he will look at betrayal “well, yes, it’s unpleasant and painful,” but life does not end there.
If you decide that it is necessary to save your family even after your partner has cheated, you need to make sure that he realizes his mistake and repents. You can understand that a man will not repeat such actions again and also wants to save the relationship based on several signs. Alexander Shakhov spoke about them:
- The man at least apologized, realized and repented. If the man has not apologized at least verbally, do not even begin the process of restoring the family after the betrayal. ⠀ ⠀ ⠀
- He must begin to work internally to identify the reasons why this happened. If he tries to shift responsibility onto you, this is manipulation. Interrupt him. If he doesn't find the reason within himself, it will happen again. If he cannot find it on his own, a psychologist will help him. ⠀ ⠀
- He begins to prove through actions that you are valuable to him. You, on your part, must make a decision whether to forgive him or not. If you decide to forgive, go all the way.
The first thing that may indicate that a man no longer wants to make such mistakes is that he is trying to figure out what happened. He initiates frank conversations with the woman, tries to explain to her why this happened and tries to figure out what steps he should take to save the relationship. ⠀
“A man who has cheated and made conclusions tries to earn trust. He doesn't manipulate, he changes his behavior. He asks: “how can I earn your trust” and begins to do what the woman tells him. A repentant man understands that the pain he caused the woman must be lived through. That she would hurt him too. But he must endure and for the sake of the value of the relationship, survive this period himself and help his beloved. It is precisely such actions of a man that indicate that he has made conclusions and with a high probability the betrayal will not happen again,” says Alexander Shakhov.
However, not everyone has the same view on treason. Thus, psychologist Andrei Smirnov
puts a slightly different meaning into the concept of “betrayal”: not sex on the side, but betrayal in difficult times.
“It is not circumstances that influence a person’s emotions, but only the attitude towards these circumstances. Therefore, if you calmly think and change your attitude towards the “betrayal” that happened, devaluing it, then it will become much easier and no psychological trauma will threaten. This position is held by wise men and women with extensive life experience. And, really, physical connection with another person means little. Here, rather, the problem is in centuries-old traditions and upbringing. But times are changing, and it’s time to free ourselves from completely outdated dogmas, destroying all the good things that exist between spouses. There are quite a lot of advantages with this approach. Relationships are preserved and nerves are protected,” concludes Andrei Smirnov.
Don't tell everything down to the smallest detail.
Why:
The information you are being asked for now is not just information. Your partner is going through an attempt to connect two worlds: the former and the one that has opened to him. And it seems to him that you, knowing both sides, have the answers to all his questions.
But that's not true. You are now also not in the most stable emotional state, moreover (looking ahead), shame, guilt and anger are bad advisers. With each question, think through the consequences of the answer for all parties!
What to do:
To the question “Where does he/she live?” It is unlikely that you need to give the exact address; this information does not belong to your couple, but also to a third person - a lover or mistress. But the question: “How long did this last” or “How long ago did it end” - is just about the two of you. It can and should be answered.
Tarzan cheated on the Queen
Sergei Glushko published a video on his Instagram page where he admitted cheating on his wife with two young girls. Later, the artist deleted the video with the confession, and called all the information about his adventures to the left rumors and lies.
The Tarzan cheating scandal came to the attention of the media due to a statement to the police that singer Natasha Koroleva had lost money and jewelry worth more than 5 million rubles. Straight from home while she was relaxing on the seas. The husband remained in Moscow.
Later, the media reported that two 20-year-old girls could have taken valuables and money with them, who allegedly brightened up the loneliness of Sergei Glushko. Then Tarzan himself said: he was maliciously “conned” to film a talk show.
A man cheated: how to behave and what is considered cheating
If, as in a bad joke, you return early from a business trip and find your husband with a guilty face and a naked woman in bed, the diagnosis is clear. There was sex - adultery in person. Although there are possible options here too.
For example, Bill Clinton, in his story with Monica Lewinsky, argued that oral sex is not really sex. There are heroes who do not consider a drunken night to be treason: they fell, woke up, and are not responsible. Or here’s another question: Is secretly watching porn infidelity or an innocent hobby?
A recent study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology found that most women are more upset by emotional infidelity, while men are more upset by sexual infidelity.
What if intimacy in the traditional sense didn’t happen at all? But there were meetings, intimate conversations or correspondence on social networks. Why are you upset, my dear? I was dressed! And, by the way, in the tie that you gave me. For such stories there is a term “emotional betrayal”, when a person shares his thoughts, feelings, interests not with his partner, but with someone else.
So what is real betrayal? There is no right answer. You have the right to your own author's definition of this concept. And it is important to voice it to your partner “on shore.” For example, let your loved one know that you will be uncomfortable if he starts flirting on Facebook with former classmates or regularly drinking at a bar with the same female colleague.
Do not miss
- Do not miss
They asked a psychologist: is it necessary to tell a friend that her husband is cheating on her?
How to determine if your husband is cheating or not?
© nd3000/Getty Images Pro
Most women are designed in such a way that they are accustomed to looking for reasons for jealousy even where there are absolutely none.
This behavior, as a rule, does not have the best effect on relationships, since a husband, tired of endless nagging, can suddenly leave his restless wife once and for all.
However, there are details by which you can determine whether your husband walks to the left or not. Not noticing such obvious signs will simply be to the detriment of every woman, so take a closer look at them:
1. Constant control by a man and suspicion of her infidelity.
Why is he doing this? As practice shows, a man who cheats on his wife begins to behave the same way towards her, that is, he begins to be pathologically jealous of his wife for every post.
2. If you find that your spouse looks down during a sensitive conversation.
, and answers questions only with the same type of phrases, usually going into a defensive position, then this is also one of the signs that your man is not faithful to you.
3. Another sign is a change in your once active sex life.
If your husband has become somewhat cold towards you, and there has been almost complete calm in intimate matters, and your husband is constantly looking for reasons and denies, avoiding you, it’s time to think carefully about what is happening. Perhaps he really did have another woman on his side.
4. Your spouse began to constantly delete all browser history from his phone
and constantly hides the phone from you? This is another sign that he is hiding something from you. He began using an assistant to remember passwords to log into his pages on the Internet.
© feelphotoart/Getty Images
Previously, all his social networks were freely accessible and always open, including for you, but now they are not.
And he cannot give a clear answer as to why the husband now began to tinker with passwords.
The husband also began to constantly hold his mobile phone in his hands, not letting it go for a minute, as if he had become an integral part of it: to the toilet, to the kitchen, to the balcony, or to take out the trash.
5. If you suddenly begin to notice
that the husband, instead of sitting in front of the TV in the evenings, began to go to the gym, and also began to shave every day and take care of himself, then this is also worth thinking about. Perhaps he is trying to look good specifically for the new woman.
6. You began to notice that your husband has new words in his vocabulary.
, such brave and completely unusual phrases? Such new expressions could easily have appeared in him from a new passion.
7. If unexpectedly the husband, who devoured your signature and so favorite roll with great pleasure
, suddenly stopped eating it, and the pies dry lonely on the table, it is likely that now he is fed no less tasty in another house.
If your spouse suddenly starts staying late at work, this is not at all a reason to suspect him or panic.
Maybe he really is moving forward in his career or has started devoting much more time to his own business. However, if, lingering like this, your husband does not pick up the phone or respond to SMS, and later, when questioned, avoids direct answers, then you should seriously think about this situation.
