How to keep family relationships on the brink: rules for a strong family

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Men and women who tie the knot intend to live happily ever after - otherwise it would be strange

, is not it? However, only positive characters from fairy tales live happily ever after.

Real people diverge, get divorced, part forever. It seems that the reasons can be very different

, although there are still not many true reasons.

And that is why in many cases relationships can be saved - to the delight of everyone, including those who only recently wanted to leave

. If it seems to you that your relationship has outlived its usefulness, we offer you a number of practical steps that may be able to save your love.

Reasons why families collapse

To begin with, spouses should find out the cause of the crisis and discontent. Each family is unique, but problems in relationships are similar and develop according to typical scenarios:

Psychological unpreparedness for living together - unwillingness to solve problems and take responsibility. There is a growing tendency to change partners, this is due to the misconception about a large choice. Because divorce in the modern world is no longer something reprehensible. Few can admit that the cause of the crisis and quarrels lies in himself.
Mismatch of goals for the future - great disappointment comes when it turns out that spouses have fundamentally different visions of life. At the same time, no one wants to seek a compromise and make concessions. For example, a wife wants a house outside the city and children, and a husband wants to devote all his time to travel.
Betrayal is the inability to overcome the pain of betrayal and move on. The reluctance of the unfaithful person to change the situation and look for ways to forgiveness.
The presence of addictions (gambling addiction, alcoholism, drug addiction) - unhealthy hobbies negatively affect all areas and negatively affect both relationships and quality of life.
False - Trust is fundamental to a strong marriage.

The thought of divorce also arises for the following reasons:

household routine;
greed, stinginess;
destructive behavior: humiliation, cruelty, insults, use of physical force;
pathological jealousy;
housing problems and financial difficulties;
the desire to control all actions;
excessive involvement of friends and relatives in the marriage;
disrespect and reproaches;
constant conflicts and quarrels;
accumulated grievances and misunderstandings;
dissatisfaction with sex life;
cooling of feelings, lack of attention and care;
too different hobbies and interests.

family relationships
To restore relationships on the verge of destruction, it is necessary to identify the root cause of the problem. This will help you find the right direction and formulate a plan to save your marriage. Almost any family can be avoided from breaking up if you have the knowledge of how to maintain relationships.

The common cause of almost all problems in the family is the lack of proper dialogue.

When not to save a marriage

Not all cases are worth fighting for a marriage.

Here are just a few situations in which divorce may be the right decision:

when one of the spouses has a mental disorder, is a psychopath, a tyrant, and poses a threat to the life and health of other family members;
for the sake of children, if all other positive aspects of marriage have long been lost;
the partner has another family on the side, and he cannot decide to break up;
due to material or housing problems, if one of the partners is financially dependent and this is the only thing stopping them from filing for divorce.

An example of a family crisis

42-year-old Sergei turned to a psychologist. With his wife Irina and son, they lived happily together for many years. But a few months ago, the man began to suspect his wife of cheating and the relationship became tense. He said that Irina, having never worked, got a job as a manager in a salon, spends less time at home and cares too much about her appearance. The man did not dare talk with his wife about his fears and thoughts about a possible divorce.

At an appointment with a psychologist, it turned out that the woman was simply tired of the everyday routine. And taking advantage of the fact that her son had matured, she decided to take care of herself. She had no thoughts about cheating on her husband. A constructive, frank dialogue helped to dot the i's.

When is it worth breaking up?

A strong marriage requires a joint effort. If a husband or wife does not want to change their relationship for the better and invest, there is no point in saving the family. There are situations when the alliance does not need to be preserved, for example, if the partner:

requires the renunciation of important values (the desire to have children, to do what you love);
exhibits physical or psychological aggression;
suffers from addiction and does not want or cannot recover.

There are other good reasons for separation. Divorce used to be seen as a disaster. But in some cases, it is worth leaving a toxic relationship behind to find harmony and happiness. Start making tough decisions.

The following can worsen relationships and speed up divorce:

unwillingness to compromise or give in;
silencing claims;
unwillingness to take the first step towards reconciliation;
constant reproaches instead of looking for a solution to the problem.

Economic problems

Problem 5: Economic imbalance and crisis of the patriarchal structure

The “I raise, you earn” system works - but only in a patriarchal structure with high income for men. But of course, in such a system, involved fatherhood is almost impossible due to the “division of labor.”

The result is a paradox familiar to many consulting psychologists: in Russia, the structure of families with high incomes (allowing women not to work) is similar to the structure of families in poor countries with low income and a lack of professional opportunities for women!

In this type of family, women develop financial dependence because they do not have confidence that they can provide for themselves. And men get the feeling that the family only needs them to earn money, and that if they already earn money, they can afford to “abuse power.” For the same reason, fathers sometimes “slow down” with their children, because for them each new child means the need to work more.

Of course, there are many women who fully realize themselves in motherhood - and this is wonderful. However, from an economic point of view, they are the ones least protected in divorce.

The situation with alimony in our country is shameful. The state has learned to collect taxes well, but for some reason it cannot force citizens to pay alimony for their children. The scope of alimony obligations between divorced spouses remains negotiable, and this creates a lot of problems. Until now, in our country, filing for alimony means sticking a knife in the back. The relationship immediately moves to a new level of hatred.

But this is wildness! If there was order in this area, life would be much easier for everyone. Moreover, I think that in some bureaucratic heads there is a false idea that non-settlement of alimony deters citizens from divorce and therefore this area should be left opaque.

But the fact remains: marriage is no longer an unshakable fortress, and divorces are commonplace. Including the later ones. And by the age of 40–50, when children have more or less grown up, it is already difficult to believe in yourself as a professional, to achieve from scratch what your peers have already achieved long ago. By this age, many women are in a severe crisis because they do not receive not only social recognition, but also gratitude for their “maternal feat.” Thank you if they don’t receive condemnation from their fathers (“It was convenient for you, but I was earning money all this time and was under terrible stress”) and from children (“Who asked you?”). It’s good if by this moment a woman who has fulfilled her role as a mother has material opportunities for beautiful consumption, charity, or traveling with friends. And if not?

Young fathers have their own psychological reasons for not insisting on a woman’s material contribution to the family, for example, the childhood experience of a working mother who was not enough, or a stay-at-home mother whom they, on the contrary, idealize. They want the best for their children and therefore support a woman’s decision to go on long maternity leave or not work at all. It seems to them that they can handle everything themselves.

But then men complain that the family’s needs are great, growing all the time and more and more difficult to satisfy. A second and third child are seen as increasing stress levels and responsibilities. In the profession, such fathers of the family often begin to choose money rather than their development, which means they become unhappy. Every second person complains about rare sex with his wife, because a child sleeps in the marital bed, and the woman is exhausted from housework.

And in general, intimacy in a couple can evaporate: they spend too little time together, there are too few common affairs and goals outside of parenthood.

Men do not receive satisfactory gratitude from their families for their sacrifices and earnings, and women do not receive recognition for their maternal and domestic work. And this happens even in good relationships, where family is the main value! In such a situation, disunity and mutual discontent grow, but often it is clearly expressed only in family therapy, when the couple comes into despair, disillusioned with family life and thinking that divorce is the only salvation and the last opportunity to restore personal boundaries.

Young people in modern Russia are experiencing a deep personal conflict between love for children and the realization of personal goals. They want to break negative parental scripts or reproduce positive ones - but this happens under impossible conditions.

Therefore, more and more often, young people choose loneliness, serial monogamy instead of a family, or postpone parenthood, as too difficult a task, for an indefinite period.

If one spouse wants a divorce

When a couple is on the verge of divorce, but there is a mutual desire to save the marriage, the chances are greater than if only one of the spouses wants it. It's difficult to do anything alone, but not everything is so hopeless.

A partner who wants to save the relationship has the opportunity to change circumstances for the better. To do this, a woman needs:

devote more time to a man so that he feels important in the life of his other half;
worry about makeup, hairstyle, attractive clothes, figure;
do not be annoying, let your spouse make decisions himself;
try to rekindle his faded interest, help him see the woman he once fell in love with;
forget about criticism and complaints.

To save the family, a man should:

make a woman feel necessary, loved and valuable;
understand what exactly your wife doesn’t like;
give her what she lacks in the relationship;
pay more attention, give compliments.

Is it possible to save a relationship alone?

So you're asking, is it possible to dance tango alone? If you follow this analogy, then most likely not. In order to return it completely damaged

the relationship remains attractive to both of you, and joint efforts must be made.

However, life is such a complex thing that in some situations, each of the partners may well carry out some activities themselves that will help preserve the relationship. However, each situation should be approached individually

. There can be many examples, but in general we are talking about when one partner feels guilty and takes full responsibility for the “dying” relationship.

LightFieldStudios/Getty Images

In this case, there is a danger that you are taking on too much! How justified is this position of the victim

? Or perhaps you actually did something that “dead” your relationship with your spouse?

When both want to save the family

Psychologists identify several basic rules that help preserve the family hearth and restore good relations between spouses:

Start with yourself. The main misconception in marriage is that you can and should change your other half. This is wrong and will only provoke unnecessary negativity. First of all, work on yourself. Analyze what you might be doing wrong, such as trying to control every step. Ask what your partner would like to change in the relationship. Seeing your efforts to harmonize the marriage, he will not remain indifferent and will begin to respond.
Learn to communicate constructively. You must be able to have an open dialogue. There is no need to state everything that comes to mind. Try to always speak calmly, respectfully, without raising your voice. At the same time, listen carefully to your partner. If you are irritated, start a conversation only when you have calmed down.
Work on your appearance. After marriage, many men and women stop taking care of their figure, appearance and wardrobe. A sagging belly, greasy hair, and sweatpants stretched across the knees are unlikely to make someone sexy and attractive.
Spend more time together. It can be any interesting activity: riding bicycles, going to the movies, a weekend picnic, a romantic dinner by candlelight. Show your imagination, the main thing is that you two have fun.
Be interested in your partner's life. Ask how things are at work, what’s new today, how you can help. It’s a good idea to know the dreams, goals, plans and desires of your other half. Such communication builds trust and creates emotional intimacy.
Divide household responsibilities equally, try to both participate in raising children.
Speak kind words, compliments more often, praise your partner, admire him.

It is important not to let everything take its course, but to work on your own happiness.

A person who receives joy and pleasure from life will quickly and easily create favorable relationships around him. To restore harmony, the couple should be patient and prepare for long and hard work. But if love remains in the family, it is worth trying to save the union.

Stages of relationship restoration

When starting to work on relationships, you need to develop an effective strategy. Consistency and taking into account all the nuances will help bring love back into the family and avoid divorce:

Someone has to take the first step, so the change starts with yourself. Seeing a positive example, the second partner will also begin to advance in development.
It is important to decide on the vision of happiness in marriage. When you realize what it should be, you can direct your efforts towards creating the relationship of your dreams.
Next you need to tackle conflict resolution. They cannot be suppressed, hidden or avoided. Constructive communication and clarification of relationships will help identify marriage problems and eliminate them.
It is important to be positive and create a favorable atmosphere. You can change the environment, for example, unwind on a joint vacation, or simply harmonize the emotional background.

Going through these stages in a relationship, partners will become closer, gradually eliminating all the shortcomings in the marriage. This does not mean that quarrels and conflicts will completely disappear from the family; on the contrary, they will be present, but will no longer be able to have a destructive influence on the relationship.

How to avoid divorce

A marriage doesn't break down overnight. Constant disrespect, indifference, misunderstanding and unwillingness to solve problems lead to the end of the relationship. When breaking up, it is easier to come up with excuses that the characters are different. It is always easier to destroy, it is easier to escape from a sinking ship when storms and storms arise. But if a man and a woman do not understand how to properly deal with family crises and difficulties, then after separation, every subsequent union will be doomed to failure.

Relationships between spouses are formed from falling in love to mutual understanding and strong love. But this can only be achieved by couples who overcome together all the crises and quarrels that inevitably occur in every family.

No matter how the circumstances turn out, it is important not to give up. Win your soulmate again and show everyone that your marriage is worth fighting for. In the future, do not allow reasons for divorce to appear in your family.

Compromise is what you need to learn in relationships. These are decisions that no one completely likes, but are the golden mean for two. Even on the verge of divorce, the mutual ability to give in can restore happiness to the family.

What to do to save your marriage

Each couple is unique, as is the situation faced by the spouses; in order to protect the family from an inevitable divorce, various factors must be taken into account. First of all, the desire to save the marriage is important. To do this, it is necessary to establish a dialogue, ask your partner for his opinion, understanding and vision for future life together.

Learn to understand

In how to save a marriage on the verge of divorce, the ability to listen and recognize the needs and desires of your partner helps. In order for a woman to learn to better understand and also begin to interact effectively with her man, she needs to:

Avoid hints. One of the common habits of women is to express themselves in hints. Due to natural characteristics, a man prefers to express himself directly, so in most cases the husband simply may not understand what they want from him. According to psychologists, a woman’s inability to speak out directly is the root cause of many disagreements.
Refrain from advice and instructions. The man begins to perceive such statements as his wife’s mistrust and doubt in his own strengths or competence.
Don't try to manipulate your spouse with tears. Women's crying causes a deep sense of discomfort in men. Most often, this situation entails annoyance, irritation, and then an indifferent attitude.
Don't ask questions that you don't want to hear the answer to. Some questions lead to a sincere answer from the spouse, as the man is more inclined to give an honest and objective assessment. If you expect to hear only what you want, then you may be disappointed.

READ How parents can tell their child about divorce without harming them

To better understand the motives and actions of his wife, a man needs to pay attention to the characteristics of a woman’s character. She:

prone to mood swings;
often communicates using hints, as she has developed intuition;
expresses his feelings out loud, therefore needs emotional manifestations;
possesses multitasking, which often leads to the desire to direct the actions of the spouse.

Thank you sincerely

When a family is on the brink of imminent divorce, it may not even occur to the thought that the breakup is due to a lack of mutual gratitude in the marriage. But gratitude is one of the foundations of love.

If there comes a point in married life when a partner begins to be taken for granted, this entails indifference and neglect. But even a simple “Thank you” can save shaky harmony in the family. Gratitude refers to a situation when each partner knows that he is significant and valuable to the other. You should always say “Thank you” for everything good, even if it concerns minor details.

READ The main reasons for divorce in Russia: what psychologists say

Be honest and open

Honesty and openness in family relationships are necessary conditions for a successful marriage. However, what to do when spouses, even on the verge of divorce, cannot be sincere with each other? This happens because the accumulated unresolved internal problems have not found a way out and have led to emotional and psychological discomfort, which is difficult to cope with on your own.

A calm, open and honest dialogue will help to identify the true reasons for the misunderstanding on each side of the conflict. If the family cannot overcome difficulties through joint efforts, then the line between family ties and divorce will be crossed. However, even if the showdown has led to a dead end, you can always try to find a compromise.

Look for compromises

The main condition for a successful compromise is a conversation with each other, which necessarily includes patience and attention to the opponent’s words. When a family relationship is at risk of divorce, it is important to understand that you need to be able to make concessions.

You can offer to go through a trial period, after which everyone will decide for themselves about the need to continue living together.

Respect your partner

Genuine respect is not a neutral position. To save a marriage on the verge of divorce, it is necessary to recognize the importance and value of a partner, which can be expressed in many everyday things and simple gestures of attention to a person. However, respect in the family is not just politeness; it is manifested not in dry formalities, but in warm words and signs of gratitude.

READ How to break up with your husband painlessly and start a new life

When a wife wants to divorce, seeing another side of his character in a man, this means that she is not ready to put up with his shortcomings, thereby showing disrespect. If a husband wants to end the relationship without recognizing his wife as a unique individual, then this is also a sign of lack of respect.

What not to do:

First of all, in order not to make mistakes and avoid divorce, preserving the family that has come to this brink, there is no need to make hasty decisions. It is not worth filing for divorce in a state of emotional explosion, experiencing deep resentment. It often happens that after taking a radical step, people regret their choice, never subsequently finding a better life partner.
Don't throw around empty words. Often the threat “I’ll file for divorce!” becomes a means of manipulation. There is no need to try to use these words to pacify or intimidate your spouse, especially if you are not really going to get a divorce. The effect can be completely opposite.

Even in difficult situations, a person has the right to make a mistake and the opportunity to correct it. Don’t cling to stereotypes like “you can’t step into the same river twice.” If you realize that the decision to separate is wrong, and the search for an answer to the question of how to restore the relationship still prevails over the desire to get a divorce, there is no need to engage in self-deception. Do what is best for yourself and your family.
Children should not be interfered with in their parents' relationships. If for an adult such a situation is very stressful, then for a child’s psyche it can become a fundamental concept for future life. A child should grow up with confidence that his parents are worthy people. This is extremely important for full development.

What everyone is afraid of is betrayal

Betrayal by a husband or wife is a good reason for divorce. But if the cheater left the relationship, repented and asks not to file for divorce, then it’s still worth trying to save the marriage.

You can give a chance if the deceived party has the strength to forgive. At the same time, it is necessary to find out and eliminate the reasons for the betrayal, and work to restore trust. To avoid a repetition of the situation in the future, it is necessary to identify all problematic areas of family life. For example, coldness, indifference, insufficient support - all these are reasons for going to the side.

Taking a vacation away from home and your partner will help you get over what happened. Start over with a clean slate. If you have forgiven, then forget about what happened and under no circumstances reproach the traitor. Stay optimistic and calm.

Take the current situation as a sign that change is needed. Don't be self-deprecating. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect.

If you cannot cope with the conflict in a couple on your own, then you can contact a family therapist. Even if it doesn’t work out to save the marriage, a specialist will help make the separation less painful and avoid a repeat of the situation in the future.