In this article you will learn how to improve your relationship with your husband on the verge of a family relationship crisis. During my psychological practice, I have identified the most popular erroneous strategies of people in family conflicts and presented them in this article so that you can find yourself in them and analyze the mistakes – yours and your partner’s. Below I provide clear recommendations for restoring relationships even on the verge of divorce.
How to improve relationships with your husband on the verge of a crisis in family relationships - wrong strategies
They are typical for most people, so be sure to check them out and try to see yourself in them. This is the only way to solve the problem - to see it as personal responsibility and try to understand your own behavior and reactions in communication with your partner. So, how to improve relations with your husband on the verge of a crisis in family relations - erroneous strategies:
Strategy #1: Blame and Avoidance
It often happens that a person is complex, contradictory in his structure, and he himself has many intrapersonal conflicts. He cannot understand himself; his negative characteristics, for example, selfishness, narcissism, perfectionism, intolerance, do not allow him to feel calm and good with himself. Such qualities and internal conflicts can lead to the fact that his partner will feel like he is on a powder keg. Because it is extremely difficult to please a person who cannot find a common language with himself. He always has something inside that doesn't agree. And this disagreement that lives inside him will definitely find something to cling to outside.
Many people are infantile in their structure; they are not ready to take responsibility. And in family life this often turns into terrible drama, because from early childhood they develop an accusatory type of behavior, which is then honed over the years, and in adult life, in the family, such a person becomes constantly dissatisfied with something and constantly blames others. Behind this lies a great desire to subjugate power, to dominate, to command. Because the one who always blames controls this world, causing others to feel guilty. This is the most convenient way to get what you want, in a roundabout way, with impunity, without making a request, without negotiating. A person simply blames another. He has huge claims on people, and he is absolutely sure that everything should be the way he decided, “his way.” And if the partner does not confirm his own importance, a feeling of deep resentment arises. And resentment is a kind of way to punish your interlocutor with rejection.
Do it my way or I'll turn my back on you
In such a quick and cunning, manipulative way, a person punishes a partner with avoidance and alienation. Refuses to talk or make eye contact. This strategy of behavior in conflicts - blame and avoidance - is extremely destructive for family relationships, it never leads to a resolution of the conflict, and with each subsequent use of this strategy, a person drags the relationship to the bottom - to a final and irrevocable break.
Strategy #2: Competition
Rivalry is another strategy for dealing with conflicts that leads to relationship breakdown. In the conversational genre, it can manifest itself in the form of a discussion or polemic - when both parties to the conflict defend and argue their own point of view and set the main task to convey their thoughts. With this strategy, people do not hear each other and do not try to reach an agreement. Instead, each participant in the dialogue, on the contrary, strives with all his might to ensure that the other hears him and listens to him.
If a person competes in a relationship with a partner, then he obviously does not take the other person into account when starting a conflict. There is no space left for the other in this relationship, and he is likely to swallow his own feelings, and subsequently may completely lose himself as a person.
If in a family conflict one wins and the other loses, then both lose because they lose the relationship. When one follows his partner’s lead, betrays himself and remains dissatisfied with the outcome, but remains silent at the same time, he begins to withdraw, he becomes less and less. He closes off emotionally and moves away from his partner.
Strategy #3: Criticism
Nothing ruins a relationship more than mutual criticism. It often occurs when a person’s need is not satisfied, and because of this, tension arises. If he does not know how to relieve this tension in a good way, if he is used to keeping his face and wants to maintain authority in society, then all the criticism and irritation spills out on his family. The house becomes a way to drain negative emotions. And the partner gets the feeling that he is not respected, not appreciated, not taken into account, because he gets the worst version of his loved one.
Our brain is designed in such a way that if we are forced to behave with restraint in society, then all irritation will be addressed in our thoughts to where it is safe. Thus, when a person does not allow himself to openly express emotions in the external environment, the internal irritation that accumulates due to his dissatisfaction is projected onto loved ones. The smallest shortcomings of the partner seem huge to him, and it seems that all the problems come from the family.
Criticism and ridicule appear, you want to quarrel, hurt, pick on a loved one. The partner either criticizes in response, choosing competitive tactics, or withdraws into himself, moves away, closing himself off emotionally. In the first case, partners bury themselves in mutual criticism and stop seeing the real thing behind their own negative interpretations of each other. The brain exaggerates where a lot of irritation accumulates, and this causes a person to be seen differently, distorted, through the prism of negativism.
In the second case, the one who chooses the strategy of accusation or resentment, that is, avoids and withdraws, begins to perceive his criticizing partner as an absolute aggressor. He no longer feels his love because it is hidden somewhere behind criticism and insults. Then the offended and closed person ceases to be a resource for his partner. He stops giving because the energy of his love no longer circulates, no longer passes through him. It does not come to him from another and therefore he has nothing to give. As a consequence, continued and increased criticism from the partner, possible betrayal or physical violence in the family. And this will continue until one of them runs out of patience. Or until someone decides to choose a different behavior strategy and openly meets their partner halfway.
I also made a video for you in which I talk about how to improve relationships, achieve complete well-being and mutual understanding:
Strategy #4: Moral Crisis
There are situations in life when a person does not feel in a resourceful state. His partner must take these situations into account, be more tolerant and understand that it is not easy for a person now, agree with him more often and meet him halfway.
This could be, for example, pregnancy or postpartum depression in a woman. A time when a partner needs to be especially attentive, give in more often, take into account her opinion and put her needs at the forefront. After all, serious changes are happening to her body, and she needs help and love more than ever. During this difficult period, it is important for her husband to show that he is on her team, that he will support and be on her side in any situation. And even when her thoughts and ideas are completely irrational, he needs to make it clear that he is interested, even if in the end they are forced to do otherwise. Show that he wants to do everything to make her feel good.
A man may, for example, have a difficult situation at work or go bankrupt. At these moments, he can become especially irritable, and then it is important to show that you are in the same boat with him, are not running away from a sinking ship, but, on the contrary, are ready to be more patient and give in more often during such a period. Join him in words and deeds, do not respond to insult with insult, but make it clear that in fact his criticism is not addressed to you, but to his problems.
People often get into conflict because they are too tired and overexerted. Sometimes a person bears more responsibility than he can bear. If he lacks sleep, if he is in the mode of overcoming some problems, then this must be taken into account. Understand that it’s not easy for your partner right now. Such a person will become more conflicted. His nervous system is constantly being shaken, and he enters the irritation zone with half a turn.
Strategy #5: Power and Authority
Status-role conflict - when people share power and roles among themselves - occurs very often. If the presented role, for example, between husband and wife, does not suit the wife.
Power must be in one hand. If you cannot share power and authority, if you do not want to give each other responsibility for decisions in any way, then perhaps you will never stop conflicting and it is better not to ruin each other’s lives.
But if, for example, your partner wants him to always have the last word, and for him this is of really great value, and for you, love for him is stronger than the desire to make a decision, then give in. If he wants the last word to be his, then in the external environment everywhere the first word should be yours. Agree how you will divide the first and last word if it is of value to both of you.
But if you are both ready to give in, and for both of you the happiness and satisfaction of the other is more important than being in charge, then there is no need to distribute roles. Alternate them depending on the importance of the issue for each of you.
What to fight for ↑
Every couple experiences family crises. For some, the reason for thinking about divorce is the eternal dissatisfaction of the husband/wife, for others it is betrayal, for others it is lack of attention, etc.
The most important thing for you now is to clearly identify the cause of your “collision” and analyze the situation.
What was your relationship like before this? Surprisingly good? Such that you did not doubt the reliability of your marriage? Was there love, a spark between you? If you have something pleasant to remember, then perhaps you just need to endure it and not stop fighting for your mate.
Important! Keeping a family together is a constant job. It’s not that lovers got to know each other from all sides only in the first year, and then everything goes on as usual. In any relationship there are quarrels, disagreements, jealousy and other problems that may seem global to you.
If you are sure that your friends do not have this, then take into account the fact that they simply do not want to wash dirty linen in public and flaunt their scandals and dissatisfaction with each other. That is, you are not alone in this regard. And first of all, stop feeling sorry for yourself, look at the situation from the outside.
So, if you are determined, let's move on!
The biggest mistakes in conflicts
The most serious mistakes in conflicts are those that lead to a decrease in the partner’s self-esteem. Those words and actions that put pressure on his weak point. Remember, anything that lowers your partner’s self-esteem destroys your relationship.
A person’s self-esteem can be lowered by:
1. Referral to third parties. You are like your mom (dad).
2. Depreciation. Words: in general, never, you can’t do anything, you don’t know how, it’s absolutely impossible with you, you’re not capable of anything, you’ve never been able to, you always do everything wrong, you’re the same as always, everything is clear with you, you never. By uttering such sharply devaluing, radical words, you indicate that the person has made an extremely serious mistake, and at the same time you leave him no room for maneuver. This immediately sharply lowers self-esteem and does not allow him to turn around; with these words you pour concrete into him. It is impossible to hope that there will be no conflict after this.
3. Avoidance and avoidance of conversation also negatively affect the partner’s self-esteem. You do not allow him to speak out, be heard and solve the problem together. You deprive him of room for maneuver with the words: well, okay, okay, okay, I understand you, we’ll figure it out, we’ll see, okay. Words that allow you to avoid conversation and at the same time can offend, hurt, or infringe on your partner.
4. Disagreement. It is clear that the conflict itself is a consequence of disagreement, and if it arose, it was precisely because of a difference in opinions. But actively demonstrating your complete disagreement is an indicator that you are on the opposing team and have no intention of joining. Your partner, when faced with your “no,” either avoids or becomes irritated and attacks.
What not to do
All efforts aimed at avoiding a divorce from his wife and protecting his family can be annulled by mistakes made in the process. If the husband wants to save the family, you should not shift responsibility for problems in the marriage only to him. It’s the same with a spouse—in an unhappy marriage, there is no one person to blame, both partners are responsible. There are other mistakes that can provoke a deterioration in relationships and speed up divorce:
- silencing complaints, unwillingness to speak openly about them;
- unwillingness to give in or compromise;
- mutual reproaches and complaints instead of a constructive search for solutions to problems;
- reluctance to take the initiative in reconciliation.
Relationships cannot always be restored. You need to be able to understand when everything is over and stop in time, without wasting your emotional resources on futile attempts.
How to restore healthy relationships step by step
So that you can completely understand and rebuild your personal life, I wrote for you the book “Into a happy relationship through self-love”, after reading which you can learn how to properly build communication with your loved one so that conflicts are only productive and lead to your overall development .
You will also be able to assert your own boundaries in the family without violating the space of another. You will learn what to do when there is a mismatch of values, when your standards and needs are different with your partner.
The most important thing is that you will learn to build a conflict so that both are satisfied with themselves and with each other. By completing the tasks in the book, you will step by step, step by step, re-build high-quality, warm and open relationships with your partner and, of course, with yourself. I can say with joy and pride that to date this book has already saved many couples who were on the verge of divorce. You can see the full description and get to know the book better here.
I remind you that I am a psychologist and provide online consultations. Relationships are the main profile of my work, and in consultation I will help you understand your problem, solve it and learn how to build relationships with your partner in a new, healthy way.
You can view information about consultations and sign up using the link. You can read more about me here.
How to improve relationships with your husband on the verge of a crisis in family relationships - the main recommendations
If you want there to be no conflicts in your couple or that they are easily resolved, then you must strive to prevent your partner’s self-esteem from falling.
Even if you disagree with your partner, still show that you are taking them into account. You notice him with his opinion, what he thinks is important to you. The person should see that your main goal is not to implant your own opinion into his head, not to force him to agree, but to discuss the decision together and come to an opinion that will ultimately satisfy both of you. To do this, it is necessary to use the accession mechanism in the conflict. This technique will be beneficial to the relationship, to the benefit of both partners, it increases the self-esteem of the one you join. It will be good if you teach this to your partner too, and be able to deftly join each other in any conversation.
Joining is about showing interest and understanding. “Did I understand you correctly, are you annoyed by such and such?” “I understand that you are tired today, let’s talk about it later. I understand that it’s difficult for you.”
Even if you deeply disagree with your partner, you should still join in and let them know you're listening and willing to discuss their point of view. For example, he wants you to spend the weekend outdoors, but you want to stay home, lie on the couch and watch a movie together. Even then, start the discussion by joining in, showing that you would like to do what is best for both of you: “Let's think together about what we will do in nature.” – accession. Further in the dialogue: “Why not, we can go to nature.” Make him feel that it will be bad for you there, and let him see why. Discuss together what exactly you don’t like about the idea of spending a weekend in nature, what specifically can ruin your mood, and maybe even his. And offer your alternative. “Nature is also an option, but what else can we do?” Feel the effect of joining, involving your partner in a general discussion about joint leisure. And understand how much this conversation differs from the most popular one: “No, I don’t want to go out into nature, I want to stay at home!” We never do things the way I want! You never perceive me!”
The conversation is the same, but the extent to which people do not know how to communicate and how childishly they build communication, not wanting to agree, can completely destroy their relationship.
Show how much you hear and listen, how much you take into account the other, his opinion, his thoughts. Involve your partner in a general conversation, rather than each standing at their own shore. Instead, float down the river of your conversation together.
Is divorce inevitable after cheating?
Divorce due to infidelity can be avoided, but not always and not for everyone!
Cheating is the point of no return for a couple. This is a place for a complete relationship reset. Only partners can make an unambiguous decision - to get a divorce or save the family. When discovering the fact of infidelity, it is important not to rush and not make hasty conclusions and decisions, since after the emotional intensity has passed, you can come to the understanding that divorce was not the only solution. Of course, it is important to understand that betrayal does not happen just like that, it always has a number of reasons and is rather a consequence of such situations:
- Sexual dissatisfaction. Differences in sexual temperaments.
- Lack of dialogue between partners.
- Difference in values and unwillingness to share the values of another.
- Birth of a child. There are usually a number of reasons why cheating happens.
Conflict leading to development
A relationship without any conflict is most likely a relationship without love. Conflicts are also necessary, they must exist, at least 10% must be negative in the family, because it is thanks to these ten percent that everything else that is positive is valued. The main thing is not to catastrophize what is happening, not to generalize shortcomings, not to criticize a person, not to make the person himself bad and guilty in a conflict. Don't lower his self-esteem.
So, how to improve relations with your husband on the verge of a crisis in family relations? Talk about what is happening to you, how you feel, why exactly you are unhappy, what doesn’t suit you and what you would like. Don't criticize your partner, don't criticize his personality. Do not attribute to him as a person his actions, his behavior. Talk about yourself, your own feelings and wishes. Learn from these conversations to recognize yourself and your desires. Open up to yourself and your partner, pull out internal dissatisfaction in the form of a story about yourself, and not in the form of accusations, and then you will significantly increase the likelihood of a positive outcome.
How to save a family if the husband has grown cold?
Ladies have learned to be forgiving of some shortcomings, such as scattered socks, an unscrewed tube of toothpaste, and an unopened toilet seat. It's a completely different matter when it comes to intimate relationships. If your spouse is cold towards you, as they say, you need to ring all the bells. And let's start with ourselves. Take a short excursion into the past, remember the days when everything was fine. Analyze what has changed since then. And start taking action.
How to save a marriage, advice from a psychologist to wives will help you find the answer:
- learn to smile, do it sincerely, enjoy even the little things;
- unobtrusively ask how your spouse’s day went (just don’t interrogate);
- thank you for any kind of attention and help;
- ask for help, make it clear that you need it;
- always watch your appearance, because even if you go to the store, put yourself in order, do not make an exception at home, for your spouse you should be the most attractive;
- let your husband be alone, take the children and go to your parents for a week;
- get involved in a common cause. As the cartoon cat Matroskin said: “...joint work, for my benefit, brings us together”;
- involve your husband in various activities related to your children;
- try to surprise your spouse, do something unusual for you. If you used to cry quietly in a corner, start a scandal, maybe by breaking dishes. If you can’t stand football, buy a couple of cans of beer, a vuvuzela and sit down next to your beloved on the sofa.
To save the family, you will have to mobilize all your best qualities, but you must not forget that working with relationships is a constant process that lasts a lifetime.
Where has the love gone?
When there are a lot of conflicts in a relationship, and the relationship is mired in mutual criticism, mockery, insults and discontent, then it seems that there is no more love. But it often happens that love is simply hidden behind criticism. She became invisible because you began to perceive the person as an absolute aggressor or hysterical, and behind all this nightmare you stopped seeing the person himself and what you loved him for.
Take a closer look. It's still him. Perhaps the reason you fell in love with him is still with him. Try to see it again. Try to see these qualities in each other together, and then you are likely to see and feel love again.
