Unfortunately, in the modern world, the word “treason” no longer rings true. This does not mean that everyone cheats, but according to statistics, cheating occurs in every third couple.
You should not seek advice from those people who know about betrayal from articles and stories from girlfriends and friends. These people have not experienced such moments, which means that their advice will not be entirely correct and can only aggravate the situation, but help is needed.
It is often worth trying to forgive by giving the person and the relationship another chance. In some cases, relationships can even be strengthened by difficult experiences if both parties talk about it, compromise, and keep commitments. But how to forgive and improve relationships after your husband or wife cheats?
Do you have a desire to forgive betrayal?
The whole point of the question is not whether you will forgive or not, but whether there is a desire to forgive?! Weigh the pros and cons and answer the questions: “Do you still love this person? Will you now be comfortable and calm with him? Can you trust your partner?
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If you still want to be with your partner and are ready to forgive the betrayal, then remember that you are taking responsibility for never cheating on you again. It was you who believed, it was you who forgave, and on occasion, it was your hopes and faith that would collapse. You should not forgive betrayal if it happens again! This will happen again and again!
Conclusion
In modern families (legal and civil) it is not customary to discuss the topic of infidelity. Many couples prefer to bypass it, fearing to disturb the original idyll. In fact, according to experts, this is a big mistake. Sometimes a man and a woman have completely different positions. The roots of individual perception and the tendency to cheat go back to family and upbringing. Boys adopt their parents' relationships into adulthood. If the father had a mistress, then with a 90% probability his son will have one too.
A variety of sexual relationships may be a priority for certain influence among friends or colleagues. This serves to increase your rating. Some people don’t consider a fleeting affair a betrayal at all. The stereotype of the inconvenience of discussing the possibility of infidelity is fundamentally incorrect and leads to sad consequences. According to statistics, 3 out of 4 families have an affair. The sooner you manage to understand banal concepts and do a preliminary test for betrayal, the more trusting the relationship will be.
Having asked yourself the question whether it is worth forgiving, you probably want to find out how long the pain will last. There is an answer. To accept and forgive betrayal, you need as much time as all eight stages last. Everything is individual and difficult to accurately calculate. There are couples who made final conclusions after six months; others remain at the stage of aggression, and this is fraught with mental problems, even serious illnesses. If the desire for revenge persists, you should consult a specialist. Otherwise, it will be difficult to improve your life.
What stage are you at? Leave your position on your partner’s infidelity in the comments.
Cheating wife
Sometimes it happens! It's not just men who cheat! However, it is men who perceive betrayal more painfully. Based on sociological surveys, 80% of men said that they would never forgive their wife’s betrayal. If you belong to the other 20%, then sit down and analyze your actions. Yes, yes, exactly ours!
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If a woman cheated, it means that something contributed greatly to this. For example, she didn’t feel your love, you paid little attention to her, raised your voice, didn’t give compliments, didn’t give flowers, and took housework for granted. Therefore, if you want to save the relationship, become an ideal (suitable) partner (husband).
Meeting with a homewrecker
Such meetings make absolutely no sense, especially if you want to rip out a clump of hair from your mistress and show who’s boss. Men are designed in such a way that they inevitably feel guilty. Oddly enough, it invigorates them. If there is a wife and a mistress, he will be especially guilty of one of them.
Feeling guilty before your mistress is the collapse of a marriage.
When his wife accompanies him to work, kisses him on the nose, gives him lunch, and his little son, who looks like him, immediately runs out, blinks his eyes and says: “Daddy, I’ll be waiting for you,” he feels guilty before his wife and family. When, after all this, he comes to his mistress, he will even have sex with her with a feeling of guilt in front of his wife, and, in the end, such meetings will come to naught. But if a woman says: “Hey, where are you going? To be home at 8,” she gives him a negative charge. This is what the mistress needs, who, after such “gentle” instructions, will tell him affectionately: “Don’t worry, it’s okay, she just doesn’t understand you.” And if his wife also calls him to check on him, and his “caring and sensitive” mistress, without showing dissatisfaction, quietly helps him open the window, as if he were driving in a traffic jam, at that moment he will begin to feel guilty in front of her. It is this woman who helps him in everything, accepts him for who he is, and therefore loves him. Feeling guilty before your mistress is the collapse of a marriage.
So, if the wife nevertheless comes and starts tearing out the hair of the homewrecker, then at the moment when the husband comes once again to his passion, she with torn hair and sad eyes will tell him: “Nothing, nothing, Kolenka, I understand everything, I same woman." That’s it, his mistress is a hero, she’s great. And you can completely forget about the hysterical wife.
Cheating husband
Based on research, men cheat 20% more often than women. Whether or not to forgive your husband’s infidelity depends entirely on the woman herself. Only a quarter of men stop at the first betrayal. If you firmly believe that your man is in this 25%, then take the risk of giving a second chance. But this is provided that there is really love, respect in your relationship and betrayal is just a mistake for which your man really repents.
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Don't put all the blame on the man. You probably did something wrong too - since he had a desire to go to bed with another woman. Perhaps you relaxed, stopped taking care of yourself, began to succumb to fatigue, became indifferent, paid less attention to the man, etc.
Terms and concepts
For every girl, infidelity has a personal connotation; sometimes the question of forgiveness is not at all appropriate. For example, when lightly flirting with a casual acquaintance, which is perceived incorrectly. Psychologists consider flirting to be a necessary component of relationships, because it is human nature to look at the opposite sex. Watch yourself. Surely, when you see a charismatic person in the crowd, hold your gaze on her. Therefore, first, let's understand the concepts.
From a psychological point of view, betrayal and treason are two different things. True, the differences are more theoretical; in reality, the pain is felt the same. So, betrayal is an intimate, carnal relationship, without a spiritual component. Betrayal is considered not only contact between bodies, but also between souls. When that invisible component of a couple is interrupted, the existing trust is destroyed, and they give themselves completely to the other.
How to improve relationships after cheating
The act of infidelity can happen for many reasons. Depending on the level of the relationship, many people choose to forgive their partner's infidelity if he or she has sincerely repented in order to save the marriage and life together.
While this may seem like a simple process at first, it is difficult to maintain. Throughout the course of a relationship, certain concerns or fears will arise. If both family members do not address these issues properly, clearly and sincerely, the healing process can become a tedious burden full of suffering.
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Therefore, it is important that the decision to forgive the betrayal is made, and if the guilty party truly repents, that an agreement, a compromise, is reached. If all agreements are not fair, resentment, bitterness, and jealousy may arise. And then it will be impossible to improve relationships after betrayal.
Forgiving betrayal is a job for two. The person who was unfaithful must understand the pain he caused and must sincerely regret doing it. The person who has been betrayed must be completely confident that he or she can truly forgive the other. Both parties can do this if there is still love between them.
One of the most important tools in maintaining a relationship is communication. Talking about what happened, expressing how each person is feeling, and how the situation can be dealt with are a few basic principles to begin the couple's recovery process.
The path after the shock
The awareness of infidelity is different for everyone, although the pain is always the same. Someone, after 30 years of marriage, will decide to turn a blind eye to a fleeting relationship for the sake of children and old age together. Another will not tolerate recognition of registration on a dating site. The third will be caught up in the vicissitudes of hearing a confession from her mistress about a year-and-a-half affair with her husband.
All these women will be united by going through eight psychological stages. The speed of passage is always individual. We tend to experience stress according to a certain system, protecting ourselves from more severe injuries. You need to go through them gradually, that’s how the psyche works.
Tips on how to restore a relationship after cheating
- Don't make important decisions quickly. Wait until the first moments have passed. Calm down and think about what happened.
- Accept your feelings of rage, uncertainty, worry, fear, pain, sadness or whatever you may be experiencing. This is fine. Life did not end because of the betrayal of a husband or wife.
- Take care of yourself and avoid nonsense. Whatever happens, you don't need to make it worse for yourself.
- Look for ways to relieve stress that will also help you see things more clearly.
- Try to find a balance. This is the key to confronting the betrayal of a loved one.
- Tears are also needed. Crying helps relieve tension and rage. Allow yourself to cry.
- Talk to your friends about your partner's cheating.
- Seek help from a family psychologist. After cheating, the problem is not the cheating itself, but what brought the person or couple to that point.
- Avoid the blame game. Infidelity creates serious conflicts that can reveal many little secrets.
- Don't cheat back just to get back at your partner. Nothing good will come of this.
- Agree that any relationship changes after a partner cheats. Accept it and live with your grief. Life goes on. This does not mean that your relationship will not be able to improve after cheating and will not be able to become stronger.
- Think practically. Perhaps you have children, or a difficult economic situation. If the relationship has led to a complete merger of two lives, then, depending on the situation, it is worth trying to forgive and improve the relationship after the betrayal in order to avoid more painful events.
Algorithm of actions
Step 1: Accepting Emotions
After the truth is revealed, the first stage begins - shock and disbelief, acting like a tub of ice water. Usually experienced more acutely than others. It can last for several days, it can subside after a few minutes, it depends on the internal psychological balance. But since you are looking for the answer to the question “should I forgive?”, you should not dwell on it for long, because the disbelief has already passed, and the guy’s betrayal is realized.
The second stage is blaming yourself. Its task is to establish control by transferring part of the responsibility to the victim. The point is to share the severity of guilt, and the possibility of independently correcting what happened, through changes in behavior, hairstyle, and habits. Self-examination begins, accusations of inattention and busyness begin. Its duration may take a couple of hours or several weeks. The timing will be influenced by internal experiences preceding the fatal event.
Advice! Do not confuse the body's reaction to an injury with a guide to action.
And the last, most dangerous attack of emotions awaits at the third stage - aggression against the traitor. It’s good if the person who betrayed your feelings is not around. The body tries to save the screaming soul from “burnout” by redirecting anger to another object. Aggression can develop into revenge, and then be reflected in a terrible aftertaste. Having slept with a random man, attacked your mistress, cursed, the situation will remain the same, only a feeling of guilt will appear for the rest of your life. Uncontrolled immersion in emotions, “freezing” leads to psychosis. It is from this period that psychotherapists have to pull girls out.
Advice! Try to isolate yourself from communication with the traitor, “save face” by restraining outbursts of anger.
Step 2. Understanding the cause
During a period of aggression, try to analyze what is happening. Try to understand your psychological state. The search for the root cause is another psychological stage, and not at all a reason to look for excuses for the offender. Psychologists traditionally look for reasons in childhood traumas or attitudes given by parents. Having figured it out, you will understand the further actions of your loved one and the possibility of hiding constant betrayals.
So, if one of the above scenarios applies, get ready for a relapse:
- neurotic need for love due to lack of attention from the mother or its critical lack;
- an overabundance of love at an early age from grandmothers and parents, which led to a pathological dependence on female attention.
Is everything okay with your childhood? There is a chance that the connection was one-time. It remains to understand what motivated the beloved:
- loss of interest in your beloved, associated with addiction, saturation of one image;
- the search for new emotions is typical for a long-term marriage with a monotonous and predictable everyday life;
- due to excess alcohol - cheating while drunk is a common occurrence among guys, usually sobering up brings sincere repentance;
- flirting at work is a common situation; constantly spending time together, joint business trips and corporate events can shake the family institution;
- memories come flooding back - sex with an ex-wife for some men does not count at all; if this is the case, it is better to first discuss what infidelity means for each.
Step 3. Forgive or say goodbye
When the fervor of the first passions has subsided, the root cause of infidelity has been clarified, the time comes for the fourth stage - “what will happen next?” Fear of the unknown future, the collapse of the usual way of life leads to a feeling of emptiness. Determine for yourself: Is it worth continuing the relationship? Is it possible to still live with a guy knowing about cheating? Forgive or say goodbye forever, drawing conclusions for the future?
Of course, if the relationship is at the very beginning, it is easier to break up. If you have years of love and joint property behind you, carefully weigh the pros and cons. Psychologists advise using a notepad with a pen for this purpose, for clarity. But the main argument should be deep repentance. According to statistics, families in which spouses were able to survive betrayal, where the partner realized his guilt, the relationship only becomes stronger.
If at this stage you are together, the likelihood of maintaining the union increases. The next stage is approaching - the desire to reach the starting point. The urge to return to the relationship that preceded the betrayal is incredibly strong. There comes a realization of forgotten love, lost over time. The emotions are so strong that a new “honeymoon” begins. Sometimes a partner deliberately commits adultery in order to stir up the feelings of a passion.
Step 4. Acceptance of what happened
The fact that you have reached this stage together does not mean that everything is over. The craving for psychological calm is only a feature of the body. Endless anxiety about the possibility of repeating the betrayal a second time will begin to creep in more and more often. The interrogations and disbelief begin. The next stage begins - the realization that the past cannot be returned. A new milestone in life, building trust, understanding, depends entirely on the patience and desire of both to be together.
Typically these five stages take at least six months. As a result, emotional swings and a stressful state lead to indifference. If a man stays, the cooling-off time comes; if he leaves, attempts to return him will fade away. The stage is called exhaustion. There is no need to make fatal decisions; it is better to spend unemotional time on internal reflection. Now you can understand for sure that if you love a guy, you can forget the pain, but is betrayal worth forgiveness?
It's time to realize that your partner is not ideal, start seeing him for who he really is. Stop waiting for drastic changes. If there is no acceptance of guilt, your torment remains unnoticed, it is better to separate. The world is not limited to one person. There is still love ahead, although the relationship will be different. Not as passionate as under 18, but more mature and experienced.
Step 5. Restoration and transformation
The final stage is stabilization, making the only right decision. If the couple has separated, all that remains is to let go of the pain and start creating a new life. If the marriage is saved, the wife already knows exactly her position, and both partners accepted it. But the conclusions have been drawn, which means there is no need to plunge into the everyday swamp again.
It's time to transform, let go of the past forever. Love yourself, start what you have been putting off for a long time. If you previously sacrificed yourself for the sake of others, become more selfish. Spend time on your appearance and figure. If you are too free, think about whether you are ready to change your principles for his sake? Transforming into a better copy of yourself is important; it makes you breathe meaning into what is happening. You can forgive a guy for cheating even after a breakup; it’s hardly worth carrying such a burden years later.
