An insecure child - what is the reason for this behavior? Who will help - parents or a psychologist?

During childhood and adolescence, a variety of psychological problems appear. Complexes and phobias arise in the process of socialization, education and hormonal changes in the body. A common problem is low self-esteem. A child who lacks self-confidence suffers from the impossibility of self-realization in society. Maintaining this character trait in the future may cause a decrease in quality of life. The formation of neurosis and/or another mental disorder is possible. Fortunately, successful correction of this condition is possible.

Why does a child grow up unsure of himself?

Self-confidence is an important psychological trait that determines a person’s behavior and level of social well-being. Adequate self-esteem allows an individual to be confident in his abilities and life choices. Inner confidence is required in all aspects of life, including learning, work and maintaining family relationships. If self-esteem decreases, quality of life deteriorates. A person is constantly tormented by doubts that force him to give up active actions. Serious internal contradictions, complexes and fears appear.

Lack of self-confidence is a common phenomenon in children. From the point of view of psychology and psychiatry, this condition is not pathological. The maturation period is characterized by constant exposure to internal and external stress factors. Children begin to get used to social life. Ideas about the importance of choice, consequences, good and evil are formed in the mind. Due to a lack of life experience, children are not always able to cope with difficulties on their own.

Low self-esteem is not always the norm. Sometimes the period of stress becomes too long, which disrupts the adaptation of the psyche to negative external influences. In this case, the lack of self-confidence is reinforced and persists throughout life. Parents and teachers should be aware of the early signs of this condition as action needs to be taken as early as possible. The persistence of such a problem into adolescence and adulthood will require long-term psychological rehabilitation.

Actions of a teenager's parents

If your child has low self-esteem, you need to think about how to increase his self-esteem. To help him gain self-confidence, you need to follow some tips:

Equally important for increasing self-esteem is the fight against fears, which appear in large numbers among adolescents. They are often afraid of being funny or ridiculous in the eyes of others.

Parents should explain that everyone gets into strange situations that seem funny, but there is nothing scary about it. You can fight such fear with the help of a game model - for example, invite your child to take part in a humorous performance, wearing a funny outfit.

Maturation period

Nervous system development does not stop after birth. The brain, which is responsible for regulating the body and maintaining cognitive abilities, continues to change. Transitional reflexes disappear and new neural connections are established. The cerebral cortex actively increases its potential, helping the individual acquire new knowledge and skills. Education and socialization influence the final processes of formation of the nervous system. For this reason, a 4-5 year old child is especially susceptible to chronic stress and other negative factors.

The adaptation mechanism plays an important role in the formation of personality traits. The brain must protect its own structures from adverse effects. Children learn to cope with difficulties and focus on the positive aspects of life. At this time, the family should provide all possible support to strengthen the protective reflexes of the psyche. Home should be a place of calm, not a new zone for coping with difficulties. An unfavorable family environment creates the preconditions for decreased socialization and disruption of the adaptive functions of consciousness.

10-12 year old children encounter a new maturation factor. The reproductive system gradually develops, affecting the brain and other organs. The level of sex hormones increases. The body begins to change rapidly. Teenagers often grow disproportionately, which is why complexes appear. In addition, hormonal levels change the nature of social needs.

Self-confidence and reflection

Man is a complex living being, capable of analyzing what is happening around him and adapting his behavior to current needs. The evolutionary mechanism has taught primates to survive in difficult conditions by interacting with the outside world and planning their own actions. This mechanism has been preserved and has not lost its role. Reflections of his actions, thoughts and views on the world appear in a person’s consciousness. This psychological feature is called reflection.

Types of reflection:

1. Situational. Required to adapt to certain circumstances. The subject analyzes the situation and finds the best way to solve the problem. This type of reflection is strongly associated with the level of motivation and self-esteem.
2. Retrospective. A person periodically remembers his actions and gives them his assessment. Moderate retrospective reflection helps to work on mistakes and change your behavior.
3. Prospective. It is necessary to think not only about the past, but also about the future. An analysis of possible actions to achieve results is required. Correct analysis makes a person more confident.

An individual’s internal view of himself, his personality and the quality of his own actions has a double meaning. Moderate reflection develops positive qualities such as composure, empathy and restraint. Reduced reflexivity is a trait of overconfident psychopaths, who are capable of breaking laws and hurting other people without any remorse. The other extreme is also a negative trait. The individual becomes tense, fearful and unsure of himself. People with high reflection are dangerous primarily for themselves, since this quality becomes the cause of dissatisfaction and social disorder.

Reasons for uncertainty

The causes of childhood self-doubt are usually associated with individual mental characteristics, upbringing, socialization and the state of the body. The listed factors directly determine the quality of social life. It is important to understand that active personality maturation occurs in childhood, so the child is not yet able to abstract from stress factors. Consciousness absorbs any life experience, on the basis of which character traits are formed.

Main reasons:

• Psychological adaptation disorder

This may be an individual characteristic dictated by genes, or an acquired condition. Children experience any failures hard and cannot cope with difficulties in the future. The mechanism of learned helplessness is activated: previous failures warn the individual against trying to cope with new problems. Everyday anxiety appears. Chronic stress, not reflected by the adaptive mechanism, increasingly deforms the personality.

• Low quality of social interactions

This is a key reason for self-doubt, since it is interpersonal relationships that are the basis for the development of character traits. Learned patterns of interaction with people are difficult to change in the future.

• Psychological disorders

Children often suffer from neuroses and more serious mental disorders. Signs of such ailments include unmotivated anxiety, panic attacks and persistent low mood. Lack of self-confidence may be an immediate complication of this disorder. Psychological or psychotherapeutic support may be required.

You can become confident at any age, but you need to understand exactly what circumstances “feed” low self-esteem.

Recommendations: how to raise a child into a successful adult

1. If you want to change anything in your child, start with yourself. Remember, children copy their parents.
2. Praise your child for successes and do not scold for failures.
3. Tell your child what is useful, not what not to do.
4. Make up short suggestion formulas with your child like: “I am the best”, “I am successful”.
5. Learn to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. If your child doesn’t know how to sing beautifully, tell him: “But you can draw great!”
6. Tell your baby more often how much you love him and that you believe in him.
7. Support all your child's endeavors, even if they seem strange to you.
8. Try to always be objective in relation to the various actions of your child.

Risk factors

There are the most common reasons for low self-esteem related to specific circumstances. Typically, psychologists during a consultation try to exclude the following factors:

• Anxious and overprotective parent

The desire to protect children from any adversity is dictated by instincts and parental love, but moderation must be observed in everything. Children observe the behavior of their parents and, based on this experience, form their own personality traits. Pathological maternal anxiety creates the preconditions for the development of anxiety in an individual. A person does not learn to make decisions on his own and cope with difficulties.

• Psychological and physical violence are the most serious risk factors

It manifests itself through excessive punishment, reproaches and criticism. Parents do not help children recover from stress, but only aggravate the condition. Often mothers and fathers prone to psychological violence do not see anything reprehensible in their behavior.

• Insufficient socialization at an early age

This risk factor is usually associated with overprotection and strict upbringing, when parents, due to their own fears and self-doubt, forbid their children to see their peers. The individual does not receive the necessary experience to develop self-esteem.

• Inability to meet parental expectations

Children are constantly blamed for their failures in school and other activities. This feature of upbringing is often associated with the fact that the parent is trying to realize himself at the expense of the social success of his children. Characteristic of narcissistic mothers and fathers.

• Social failures

Interpersonal interactions in kindergarten and school are not ideal. Children can be cruel, mocking and indifferent. Bad relationships in a team only reinforce pathological personality traits.

Another important risk factor is an unfavorable somatic condition. Chronic diseases lead to the development of various mental disorders, including anxiety and depression. It is especially difficult for children with disabilities because they are aware of their limitations at an early age. You can grow in self-confidence by eliminating key risk factors.

High expectations

No matter what a child achieves, it is always not enough for parents; no matter what they do, everything is not good enough. Instead of praise and support, there is an eternal analysis of mistakes, reproaches that it could have been better, comparison with those who are more successful. This parenting style is typical for mothers and fathers with a narcissistic character.

Rejoice at even the small achievements of your child, so that he can boldly move forward to greater success. Comments on the matter are also important, but carefully and only after well-deserved praise and words of support. This is an important step towards raising a confident person.

Try not to limit yourself to the usual general assessments: “clever!”, “beautiful”, “great”. Note specific actions: “how accurately you painted the flowers in the picture, they look like real ones,” “your boat turned out great, and you glued the seams so neatly!”

Visualize successes so that the baby does not forget about them and feels the importance of everything he does. Hang pictures on the wall in the nursery, set aside a special shelf for crafts, keep certificates and medals in a visible place, create a photo album of small victories together.

Signs of self-doubt

Low self-esteem manifests itself in all aspects of life, but in the early stages of development there may be no obvious signs of such a trait. There are age-related features of increased reflexivity that are worth paying attention to. This is behavior in different situations, facial expressions, emotions, quality of sleep, nutrition and other traits.

The main signs of uncertainty:

• taciturnity, avoidance of answers;
• irritability and hysterical behavior;
• refusal to eat or binge eating;
• sleep disturbance, insomnia;
• the desire to spend as much time alone as possible;
• refusal to spend active time due to far-fetched reasons;
• external stiffness, stoop;
• poor facial expressions and reduced emotional reactions;
• lack of friends and acquaintances at school;
• presence of recurring fears and phobias;
• reluctance to meet new people, including relatives;
• biting nails and lips, expectant posture;
• decreased physical activity, increased body weight;
• causeless aggression;
• constant feeling of shame.

Self-doubt does not always manifest itself in such signs, but it is necessary to pay attention to these aspects of behavior. Often children try to hide the manifestations of complexes from their parents, which makes it difficult to detect the problem. It is important to understand that indirect signs of psychological ill-being are often more important than external qualities.

Mental disorders

Sometimes only a psychotherapist can explain to parents how to help their child become self-confident. The fact is that childhood is the period of primary manifestations of neuroses and other mental disorders. Stressful exposure activates the underlying mechanisms of pathology. These can be minor illnesses that can be quickly corrected, or serious illnesses.

Mental pathologies in which the patient is unable to be self-confident:

• Anxious personality disorder. Symptoms of the disease include everyday anxiety, phobias and decreased mood. Against the background of chronic anxiety, psychosomatic conditions sometimes develop. The patient is afraid to communicate with other people and take part in any activity associated with any responsibility. An avoidant personality type is formed.
• Social phobia is a personality disorder in which a key symptom is a tendency to isolate. Children suffering from this disease prefer to spend as much time as possible at home. All aspects of social life are scary and stressful. The adaptation mechanism is disrupted.
• Depression is a persistent decrease in mood, manifested by apathy, weakness, irritability and constant sadness. In this case, the patient refuses entertainment, food and participation in any activity due to decreased motivation. This is a dangerous disorder that often occurs in childhood and adolescence. Children 6-8 years old often show the first signs of the disease.
• Obsessive-compulsive disorder, in which anxious thoughts constantly arise and affect behavior. Specific “rituals” are formed that force one to perform seemingly meaningless actions to eliminate anxiety. For example, the patient may constantly move objects or wash their hands several times in a row. OCD disrupts the quality of social interactions and reduces self-esteem.

Lack of self-confidence can be a cause or consequence of a mental disorder.

The importance of self-esteem for a person

Self-esteem is a subjective assessment of a person, which reflects a person’s attitude towards himself. Adequate self-esteem is of great importance for study, communication with peers and adults, and the child’s hobbies. Low self-esteem leads to the fact that the child feels insecure, often finds himself in difficult situations, and misses favorable opportunities.

High self-esteem helps a person achieve his goals, not be afraid of difficulties and not give up even when things don’t work out. It gives you the strength to try new things and not give in to mistakes, but try to correct them and move on.

A girl or boy with a healthy attitude towards himself will not blindly follow the crowd, because he knows how to make independent decisions. Such children are less susceptible to the negative influence of peers because they value themselves, their health and their feelings.

Low self-esteem creates a victim position. A person who does not value himself highly enough will throughout his life seek support and support from other people and avoid responsibility by shifting it to someone else. He feels like a loser and over time gets so used to this position that he doesn’t even try to change anything.

What to do to become self-confident

You can deal with the problem yourself or professionally. The plan of action should depend on the severity of the condition. Children do not become self-confident on their own if any stage of socialization has already been missed or spoiled by unpleasant impressions. Parents need to recognize the problem in time and take action. Often the first step to solving a problem is to change the educational institution in which children cannot cope with the stress load. However, before taking this action, you need to understand how to prevent another failure. Otherwise, changing educational institutions will turn into a way to avoid the problem.

Recommendations for parents:

1. Excessive criticism should be avoided.
2. We need to stop sorting out relationships between family members in the form of quarrels and reproaches.
3. It is recommended to talk more with children and try to develop trusting relationships.
4. Moderate help with homework. At the same time, it is important to teach children to cope with difficulties on their own and not to instill laziness.
5. Encouraging communication. If the children have friends, you can invite them to visit or come up with another way to spend time together.
6. Don't scream or hit. This form of “parenting” is completely unsuitable for children suffering from anxiety and impaired adaptation to stress.

Proper upbringing helps solve most problems and make children self-confident. To do this, it is necessary to determine which aspects of family life negatively affect the emotional state of children. Often we are talking about regular quarrels, lack of attention and the stressful state of the parents themselves. It is important to provide a comfortable environment at home and surround children with care. You need to learn to talk calmly when any problems arise and explain to children how they can cope with the difficulty on their own.

Working with a specialist

Sometimes it is possible to increase a child’s self-esteem only with the participation of a psychologist or psychotherapist. Not all parents are able to competently draw up their own program for correcting complexes, so turning to a psychologist is a reasonable solution even in the case of minor violations. The specialist will offer a form of individual and family consultations, during which you can identify the causes of self-doubt and find a way to restore social well-being.

Reluctance to learn to communicate

Let the child figure out his own relationships with peers - this is the position of non-interference. In fact, teaching children to communicate correctly is important. Explain how to make acquaintances, maintain a conversation, lead a discussion, answer calls. Teach in a playful way, simulating the desired situation.

And remember that a child learns how to behave in society by watching how their parents do it - set a good example.

When your child complains about conflicts, always listen carefully and tell him what to do correctly in each situation. If a child is called names and he becomes confused, communication skills guru Carol Fleming in her book “Talking is Easy! How to become a pleasant conversationalist by communicating confidently and at ease” suggests playing “Give the Badass a Thing”!

The rules are simple - the child voices what was said offensively to him, and all family members begin to offer their own options for responding to the offender. The main thing is not to think for long, but to try to quickly and resourcefully repel attacks. Thanks to the game, the child will be able to “calmly try different behaviors, emotions and different ways of speaking in the family circle.”