Useful solitude: why is it important to value solitude and how to learn it?

• October 9, 2018
• Psychology of Personality
• Ekaterina Grigorieva

The desire to step away from the daily routine and hide in the “shell” of loneliness is increasingly beginning to consume millions of people. However, not everyone understands the reasons for this phenomenon, perceiving it as an obvious pathology. But this is a completely normal desire, even if you have children, a husband and friends. But not everyone understands when you want to be alone. They take it personally, without considering your moral state. This article will help two types of people understand the situation at once: those who are looking for loneliness and those who want to understand the reasons for such behavior from another person.

Why is there such a need?

It’s not surprising that sometimes you have a burning desire to escape from this planet to a quiet place. But doing it is not so easy. After all, misunderstanding on the part of loved ones only worsens the situation. Having declared their desire, others perceive it as a personal reproach. They begin to press you with phrases like, you don’t love me; well, that’s it, I was offended, etc. In fact, the desire for peace and quiet is connected with deeper reasons that lie inside a person, determining his character.

Without realizing the emerging need for solitude, a person begins to suffer. Psychological disorders, headaches, and lack of joy occur. If you don't give yourself a day off, you can go crazy. Everyone has the right to personal space and solitude, regardless of social status, which is quite natural. For example, let's take new mothers who often want to be alone because they are tired of the household routine, and this does not characterize them in a bad way. On the contrary, resting alone is only beneficial.

How a vicious circle is formed

There is an interesting theory that explains how a vicious circle is formed. Every person depends on the environment. Being part of society is necessary to feel safe. When a subject is isolated from society, he feels a constant threat. There may be no real danger, but he perceives things as a threat.

Giphy

When a person is used to being alone, he is more likely to interpret another individual as a source of danger. For example, if someone has a neutral look, a lonely person will think, “He doesn't like me,” “He's going to cause harm.” It is difficult to break this circle, since it is unlikely that anyone will want to communicate with a person who perceives his environment as hostile and demonstrates unfriendliness. Then subjective loneliness becomes objective isolation.

However, there are individuals who are never lonely, regardless of the circumstances. People really differ in how much and what kind of social contacts they need and how much communication they desire. For example, having a romantic partner is important to some. They feel lonely if the chosen one is a theorist and not a lyricist. Others don't care about romantic relationships. They feel good when they are alone.

Let's talk about personality types

There are several types of people who perceive the world around them differently. Each of them has special needs. As you know, there are introverts and extroverts. And in system-vector psychology, people can be divided into four types. Each of them has its own characteristics:

• The first category includes people who love comfort and silence, who need to think about the “high” and constantly answer questions directed at themselves. If there is no such way out, it becomes possible to either disconnect from what is happening, withdrawing, or repeat more often how you want to be alone, without implying alienation from the family, but only the desire to retire and relax for a while. Such people are called sound people.
• The second type is quite emotional. He tends to be the center of attention and loves fun. Such people are called extroverts, who belong to the visual type. And if he is faced with the first option, when the moment of “influx” occurs, then a misunderstanding arises between the parties.
• The third type does not like monotony. He needs fresh impressions. Meeting the first option complements this type. However, when the phrase “I want to be alone” appears, he suspects that the relationship is losing interest, jealousy and aggression appear instead of understanding. Such people are called tactile or “skin people.”
• The fourth type combines the characteristics of extroverts and introverts. It is most difficult for them to determine their desires. After all, thoughts are chaotic and illegible, fickle, thereby causing the need to be alone, and at the same time remain in the center of events.

Signs of a Lonely Person

You can recognize a lonely man or woman if you look closely at their behavior. A person who chronically feels very lonely:

• Constantly sad, anxious, gloomy, often irritated by little things, and sometimes aggressive;
• Is prejudiced against sociable and happy people;
• Focused on himself, while in a conversation he tries to attract the attention of others, interrupts;
• Shows excessive attention to the interlocutor, or vice versa, does not even try to understand others;
• Straightforward and critical even when he should be softer;
• Refuses to express his own opinion;
• Often hypocritical and suspicious;
• Tends to bring any situation into conflict, or, in contrast, is extremely compliant;
• Cannot fully control own behavior;
• If, in situations where it is necessary to communicate, he is faced with an opinion that does not suit him, he can exert psychological pressure on his opponent;
• Experiences a feeling of uselessness, uselessness, incompetence, failure in love;
• Often feels awkward in a large company, cannot have fun (sometimes becomes cheerful when intoxicated);
• Constantly criticizes himself and his behavior, prone to self-flagellation.

Is it normal to want to be alone?

When wondering why you want to be alone, it’s worth remembering your childhood. Then, in order to limit your space from strangers, it was enough to build yourself a hut from blankets and pillows. Remember when you were alone and could indulge in your thoughts and dreams. Every person has this desire, and it is difficult to suppress. Being alone with yourself does not mean withdrawing from the world of people, becoming a hermit. It's just a necessity, like drinking water. You won't be able to endure thirst for long, will you? That's how it is in this case.

However, in adult life it is not so easy to collect your thoughts. Especially when there are problems that require immediate solutions. By giving up the desire to be alone with oneself, a person begins to suffer. He feels uncomfortable, as if there is not enough air. Therefore, you should not think that by refusing this you will make someone better. Everything will be completely different. The accumulation of negative energy will lead to an emotional explosion. You just need to explain to your loved ones that you urgently need peace.

Interpersonal interaction

“... there is no method against crowbar, but besides other crowbar...”

It has been noticed that if a person feels loneliness, then one should not tolerate it. Emergency measures aimed at interpersonal contact are needed. Let's consider two options:

1. A person has already built relationships, has friends and relatives, but he has fallen into the “paws” of loneliness. In this case, it is necessary to understand well what happened. What need remains unsatisfied? Without understanding what exactly causes the experience, it is unlikely that the problem can be solved. At the same time, with loneliness comes wisdom in decisions. High-quality contact with loved ones helps symptomatically. Family, children, relatives have a very beneficial effect on the process of social rehabilitation.
2. If we are talking about someone who has no close relationships at all. Here, on the contrary, you need to start by at least going to crowded places where you can simply watch others. A walk in the park will definitely have a beneficial effect on your general physical condition and emotional background. Next you need to start communicating with others - close contacts heal. Team sports (volleyball, rounders, mini-football, streetball) will undoubtedly help the individual to liberate themselves through a healthy spirit of competition. There is no too close contact here. But by playing together, we have a common value, a goal.

Loneliness usually goes away when you are able to say to someone: “I’m very lonely, stay with me.” Even such a simple phrase can do a lot. It shows that the individual needs the help of society. She cannot climb out of the abyss of confusion on her own.

The environment you live in

The desire to be alone with oneself arises for a reason. Just think that every day you expose yourself to nervous breakdowns, which can lead to prolonged depression. You have to absorb tons of information, 80% of which simply clogs the space in your head, for example, unnecessary conversations of colleagues, gossip, etc. In addition, your comfort zone is constantly violated. If earlier people did not allow themselves to get close to a stranger, now it is considered the norm. Just one word - metro. Someone is constantly invading your space, and you tolerate it. Yes, and there is nothing to be done about it. Therefore, the desire to run away from everyone in order to collect your thoughts is normal.

The benefits of solitude: how to hide from the world and have fun

Greg McKeon is an educator and researcher who has worked with companies such as Google, Facebook, and Twitter, and writes a column for Harvard Business Review. In all of his projects, Greg professes essentialism - a practical philosophy that helps to bring order to life and abandon the unnecessary. In his book “Essentialism,” recently published in Russia, he explains how to achieve this and describes the main steps to focus on what matters most. We're sharing an excerpt from the book that explains how to make the most of solitude.

Frank O'Brien is the founder of Conversation, a marketing company based in New York. It is ranked in the top 500 of thousands of privately held American companies with the fastest growing rates. In contrast to the frantic pace of work in a modern office, O'Brien introduced an unusual tradition into his company.

Conversation employs only 50 people, and Frank calls all of them to his office once a month. Mobile phones are prohibited here, and so is email. These meetings have no agenda, and the task of the participants is to create a space together in which they can think and talk. What's most interesting is that Frank organizes these meetings not on Fridays in the middle of the month, when the workload drops, but on the first Monday of the month. This tradition instills internal discipline not only among employees. Conversation clients also know that there is no point in contacting .

Frank understands that it's difficult for people to prioritize their work if they're constantly getting calls from clients. They need space to think about what is happening and highlight what is most important. Frank himself says: “I think it’s very important to take time for yourself to look around, take a deep breath and analyze the situation. For a company to grow and innovate, its employees must think clearly.” In addition, such meetings help Frank understand whether his employees are spending too much energy on unimportant things: “If someone says they can’t come because they’re too busy, I know that either that person is not working effectively or we We need to hire more staff." If his people are too busy to think, then they really are too busy.

To learn to separate the important and the unimportant, we need free space. Unfortunately, today it is not given by default, and it has to be planned. One manager I worked with admitted to staying at his job five years too long. Why? He was so busy with the internal affairs of the company that he did not even have time to figure out whether he needed these matters. Daily tasks did not allow him to take a step aside and properly analyze his situation. The vice president of a large international technology firm once told me that he spent 35 hours a week in meetings and was so engrossed in them that he could not even spare an hour a month to think about his own career or the company's strategic plans. Instead of creating space for himself to discuss what really matters, he wastes time on endless presentations and meaningless reports that have no meaning.

Before determining what is important and what is not, you need to explore all the available options. Ordinary people automatically respond to the latest offer, jump at the last chance, or respond to the latest email. Essentialists create space for reflection and analysis.

Space for creativity

I once again realized the importance of the surrounding space for reflection and research when I began working in d. School - Stanford School of Design (or, as it is officially called, the Hasso Plattner Institute of Design). I was asked to give a course of lectures there, and the first thing I noticed when I entered the classroom was the lack of chairs. Instead, there were foam cubes in the office, which, as I soon realized, were quite uncomfortable to sit on. Of course, this was not done by chance. The students sat there for just a few minutes, and then got up and began moving around the room and talking to each other. This was the essence of the idea. The school used physical space to encourage new kinds of communication and thinking.

In addition, there is a secret hideout in the school - the “noir booth”. This is a tiny room that can fit no more than three people. There are no windows or any objects that distract attention, and the walls are covered with sound-absorbing material. According to Scott Doorley and Scott Witthofft, authors of Make Space, “It's not just low tech, it's no tech at all.” "Booth Noir" is located in the basement of the school, far from the usual student routes. People come here for the sole purpose of thinking. Here students have the opportunity to think clearly and focus on a problem that interests them.

It is important for us not only what to concentrate on, but also where to concentrate.

By the way, the word “concentration” evokes the wrong associations in people. Many people believe that the focus of attention (like choice) is an object. Yes, each of us has the ability to concentrate, but concentration is not only a subject, but also a process. When I talk about focus, I don't mean that you should pick one question or option and not think about anything else. I mean creating a space where you can analyze a hundred of these questions and options. An essentialist focuses on a problem in the same way that our eye focuses on a physical object, that is, constantly adapting and adjusting to the current field of vision.

I recently attended another meeting at the Stanford School of Design. This time there were no desks or chairs in the classroom, but the entire room, from floor to ceiling, was covered with marker boards and sticky notes of all kinds of colors. At this meeting I met Jeremy Utley. Together we are developing a new course for the school, which Jeremy, in a burst of inspiration, called “Life Design.”

Its essence is to create a space for students in which they can plan their own lives. Every week they will have a lesson on their schedule dedicated solely to reflection. In our classes, they will have to turn off their laptops, smartphones and tablets and completely immerse themselves in themselves. We will give them practical tasks to distinguish between important and unimportant things. But you don't have to be a Stanford student to do all this. Each of us can learn to adjust the surrounding space to suit ourselves.

Space for concentration

One CEO I know is a very smart and motivated person, but he is constantly distracted. Every second, Twitter, Facebook and email are updated on his computer and several chats are open with different people. In an attempt to break the habit, he one day asked his assistant to unplug all the Internet cables from his computer. But even after that, my friend found ways to get online. During one large-scale project, he had to take drastic measures: he left his Blackberry at home and moved to a motel without the Internet. After eight weeks of such seclusion, he managed to complete the project.

Personally, I find such drastic measures a little sad, but my friend had good intentions. He knew that to be most effective at a task, a person needs space to think. Think of Sir Isaac Newton, who spent two years working on his Principia Mathematica, his famous work on gravity and the three laws of mechanics. All this time he hardly communicated with anyone, and it was voluntary solitude and continuous concentration that allowed him to make a breakthrough in scientific thought.

Historian Richard Westfall, who wrote a biography of Newton, notes: “When Newton was at the height of his fame, he was asked how he discovered the law of universal gravitation, and the scientist replied: “I thought about it all the time.” This and only this thought constantly occupied his consciousness.” In other words, Newton created a space in which he could concentrate on the ideas that interested him.

Inspired by Newton's story, I decided to use the same approach (perhaps in a less radical way) to write my book. Every weekday I gave myself eight hours (from five in the morning to one in the afternoon) to work. During the specified time, I did not look through mail, did not answer calls or talk to my family. I was not always able to achieve this fully, but discipline still did its job. I even set up an autoresponder in my email that sent out messages to everyone who wrote to me that I was working in “hermit mode.”

It’s hard to overstate how much freedom this approach has given me. I created space for myself to explore, think, and create, and thus not only wrote the book faster, but also learned to control the rest of the day. Now I’ll ask you a very trivial question: when was the last time you took time away from work to just sit and think? No, I don’t mean those five minutes on the subway on the way to work, during which you have time to think about your plan for the day, the program for today’s business meeting and a new project. I'm talking about consciously choosing a time and place and giving yourself over exclusively to reflection, without being distracted by extraneous stimuli.

Of course, in today's world full of gadgets and stimulation, this is not easy to achieve. One manager asked me on Twitter: “Do you even remember what boredom is? It seems we are no longer bored." And he's right. Just a few years ago, stuck at the airport or waiting for a doctor's appointment, people would just sit, stare at the wall, and get bored. Today, in such a situation, everyone will immediately turn their attention to smartphones, tablets or laptops. On the one hand, this way we prevent ourselves from getting bored, but on the other hand, we take away time from ourselves that could be used for reflection.

Here's another paradox for you. The busier and larger your project, the more time for reflection you need to build into your schedule. The more noise there is, the stronger our need for a quiet place where we can concentrate on our thoughts.

No matter how busy your schedule is, you can give yourself time and space to think. Jeff Weiner, CEO of LinkedIn, leaves two empty hours in his schedule every day. He divides them into 30-minute chunks, but doesn't plan anything during that time. This simple habit has stuck with Jeff since the days when he had so many meetings a day that he didn’t even have time to think about their results. At first, these two hours seemed like a luxury and a waste of time, but gradually he realized that they increased his productivity. Jeff believes that this is the only way he can control his day, and not surrender to the will of circumstances.

He says: “I remember one day when I was on my feet from five in the morning until nine in the evening: either participating in conference calls or attending meetings. I was very upset that my own actions did not depend on me. Everything was decided by circumstances. But behind the frustration came relief when I realized that such a day had happened only once in the last few years of work.”

In his free time, Jeff ponders big questions: What will his company be like in three years? And in five? How can its products be made even better and meet customer needs? How to increase competitive advantages or reduce the gap from competitors? In addition, during these two hours Jeff recharges himself emotionally. He can then move from problem solving to the teaching and counseling that is expected of him as a leader.

For Jeff, creating your own space is not just a healthy habit, but an entire philosophy. He saw how the disorganized pursuit of a big jackpot ruined the fate of companies and their managers. Jeff believes that personal space is not a slogan or a cliched phrase, but a philosophical, if not spiritual, concept.

Reading space

Another role model is Bill Gates, the former CEO of Microsoft, who is known to regularly take a week off and devote it to thinking and reading. I once attended Bill's press conference at the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation headquarters in Seattle. At this point, Bill had just finished another “week of reflection.” I had heard of this practice before, but I didn't know that Bill started doing it in the 1980s and never deviated from it even when Microsoft was at its peak. Even in the most difficult and stressful times in the history of the company, he devoted two weeks a year to solitude, reading articles (record - 112 articles in seven days) and books, studying technology and reflection. And today Bill takes time for himself to escape from everyday worries and think properly.

If you feel like a whole week of free time is too much, you can give yourself a “mini week of reflection” every day. For example, I devote the first 20 minutes of any morning to reading classic literature (but in no case blogs, newspapers or pulp fiction). This way I managed to get rid of the habit of checking email immediately after the alarm went off. Plus, those 20 minutes become the center of my every day. They expand my understanding of the world and remind me of truly important topics and ideas that have stood the test of time.

Personally, I prefer spiritual literature, although, of course, everyone has their own taste. But if you're interested, I can recommend a few books: Zen, The Reason of Unreason; Tao, to Know and Not Be Knowing; As a Man Thinketh; The Essential Gandhi; "Meditations" by Marcus Aurelius, as well as the Torah, the Upanishads, the Bible, Commentary on the Koran, the Book of Mormon and Henry Thoreau's autobiography "Walden, or Life in the Woods." In general, there are a lot of options. The main thing is to choose a book written before our century and considered a classic. I'm sure it will change your perspective on what's truly important. Even if the day is scheduled minute by minute, learn to set aside time for yourself, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s two hours a day, two weeks a year, or five minutes in the morning.

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Such a different kind of loneliness

Sometimes people are mistaken in the correct formulation of their desires, saying that they need time to be alone. Relatives are offended without realizing it.

It is important to correctly explain what exactly you need in order to be understood. For example, your job involves constant communication. It’s understandable that when you get home you want to be silent. Just sit in silence or look out the window. And those close to you want to talk, spend time with you, etc. Don’t think that your desire to distance yourself from your loved ones is some kind of pathology or problem. Just try to explain clearly that you are tired and want to relax in silence. You will see for yourself that after a moral reboot, strength and spiritual harmony will return to you.

Sometimes a person consciously tries on the mask of a loner, suffering from it. This role has few advantages. When you isolate yourself from people, you create the impression of uselessness. When in reality everything is completely different. But the person does not see this and withdraws into himself. This condition is dangerous for psychological health.

Health risks and consequences of excessive self-isolation

Pathological loneliness has a wide range of negative consequences on physical and mental health, including:

• alcoholism and drug use;
• deterioration of brain function;
• progression of Alzheimer's disease;
• antisocial behavior;
• cardiovascular diseases and stroke;
• decreased memory, attention;
• depression, suicidal behavior;
• deterioration of decision-making skills.

In the absence of full communication and prolonged isolation, a person lives in a state of chronic stress. This increases the risk of developing psychosomatic disorders - physical pathologies caused by mental factors.

Photo by Tatiana Syrikova: Pexels

Lonely adults exercise less than sociable people. Their diet is high in fat, their sleep is disrupted, and they often report constant daytime fatigue. An abnormal focus on the processes of the inner world disrupts the regulation of cellular processes in the body, predisposing to premature aging.

Pros of loneliness

Whatever one may say, it also has positive sides. Although it seems at first glance that this is not so. Let's look at the benefits of being single:

• Availability of free time to reboot. When you go home from work, you can manage your time as you wish.
• If you want to be alone, it is easier to understand what you want from life. At such moments, insight can occur.
• Loneliness makes a person more focused and productive. No one will distract you, you can completely immerse yourself in your atmosphere.
• Learn to make your own decisions. You will become more confident.
• And another important advantage of loneliness is the acquisition of new values. You will learn to understand who is really needed and important in this life. Indeed, in a routine environment this is much more difficult to determine.

No one influences your decisions

Let's be honest. Throughout our lives, someone influences our decisions. First it’s parents, then friends, then your own family, and so on. We hear advice and reproaches all the time. Yes, we are strong individuals, and we always make decisions ourselves. But, albeit unconsciously, society influences our choices. Even if not radically, it can easily shift the vector of our thoughts. Seclude yourself from society for a while. Think for yourself, with your own head, without hearing anyone around. Let only silence or your favorite music help you choose. Believe me, this way you will choose what you want.

Expert advice

Psychologists believe that every person should retire for at least one hour a day. This will allow you to put your thoughts in order. If a woman wants to be alone, then she needs to correctly convey the information to her partner. Substantiate this need with facts, let’s say you’re tired of work, your colleagues are annoying you, your children have been bothering you at home all day. It is important for a man to understand that you will not be taking a break from him, but for the benefit of the whole family. And also, don’t go crazy if your lover declares the need for privacy. Give yourself the opportunity to be alone. Don't question whether he loves you, etc. Just be understanding. After all, he is the same person as you. For harmony in relationships, it is important to maintain peace of mind. Be happy in any life situation!

Exercises

There are several types of exercises designed specifically to combat feelings of loneliness.

"Request"

You can cross the communication barrier with a simple exercise. Try unobtrusively asking questions to passers-by asking for help.

Do not formulate complex sentences, keep a friendly expression on your face, and make it clear that you will not be offended by a refusal.

"Day to fight loneliness"

Give yourself some communication training. To do this, you need to choose a day, preferably the end of the work week, and an event in a place where you feel comfortable.

Don't forget about a friendly facial expression, a smile and a positive attitude. Choose someone you like, approach them and ask them what they think about the event.

Meditation "my fire"

To perform this exercise, choose a comfortable position and close your eyes. In your imagination, paint a picture of a spring evening, when you are walking along the street, admiring the landscape and houses, and feeling peace. Then pay attention to the warmly lit windows of the houses.

Imagine the same warm light inside you. It gives you comfort, peace, burns with a calm, clear, warm light. Imagine this light as a tongue of flame. Pick it up, thank it for the warmth it gives you, and place it back. This is your protection from loneliness, which will always be with you.

"List of Pleasures"

This exercise is best done in a group, or at least with one other person.

• Write down five activities that give you unconditional pleasure. This should be the first thing that comes to mind;
• Think about the list . Leave those activities that you do more often;
• Exchange lists with another person and compare the results. This contributes to the additional pleasure of finding similarities and differences.

Take a bath

Loneliness is a good reason to stretch your beauty routine. The bathroom is often the only place in the house that won't be broken into without your permission, and it's worth taking advantage of. Make time for water procedures in advance and warn everyone at home about this. Take a fragrant bath, listen to music, think about your well-being, your immediate plans and desires.

Wake up before everyone else

Moments when it seems that not only the whole house, but also the whole city is sleeping, give a very special feeling. If you can practice waking up early, you can exchange an extra hour of sleep for a feeling of peace, tranquility, the ability to tune in to the coming day and start it with some positive practice - yoga, meditation, reading, self-care, or leisurely enjoying a cup of coffee. The likelihood that you will be interfered with is reduced to zero.