What makes a woman choose a man who is not right for her, and even after realizing this, stay with him? Fear of loneliness? Low self-esteem? The hope that a person will miraculously change? If falling in love has passed, but love has not come, if the relationship brings more tears than joy, perhaps you are captured by emotional dependence.
We all know the feeling of falling in love, when happiness and euphoria literally overwhelm you, all thoughts are only about your loved one and it is difficult to focus your attention on something else. Sometimes you lose your appetite and sleep, and everything about the other person seems wonderful to you.
This is one side of the coin. But there is another one - the inability to see reality. In a state of love, it is difficult to seriously think about whether this person meets your deepest needs, whether he is the one with whom you would like to start and continue your journey, to walk through life side by side.
However, you must always think about this, even in the phase of falling in love! At the initial stage of a relationship, emotions will still take over, but rational thinking, which allows you to observe and draw conclusions, cannot be ignored. You are able to analyze everything that happens and evaluate a man’s personality from the point of view of the coincidence of his values and life prospects with yours.
You can successfully bypass the stage of falling in love and move on only by making a conscious choice in favor of a specific person. If it is not implemented, the madness of falling in love will develop into a toxic relationship, the main component of which is emotional dependence. Getting rid of it will require a huge amount of effort.
What is a toxic relationship?
There is not always a clear difference between an abusive and toxic relationship. However, not all toxic behavior is abusive. Abusive relationships—emotional, physical, financial, or sexual—focus on controlling and manipulating the other person.
Toxic relationships, on the other hand, are characterized by a lack of support, understanding, or empathy on either or both sides. This may include disproportionate emotional reactions to actions or situations. There can also be competition, disruption and disrespect.
Both toxic and abusive relationships can cause serious and lasting harm.
Sometimes behaviors that can be considered both toxic and abusive overlap. Let's say, for example, your partner hits a wall because you asked him why he forgot to take out the trash. His reaction is toxic (because it is disproportionate to the situation) and because it is dangerous and harmful, it is also offensive.
Why do people become toxic?
People who repeatedly hurt their partner (intentionally or not) often have a reason for their behavior, even if it is subconscious. Sometimes a person is a manipulator. These people may have been in a toxic relationship, romantic or childhood. Maybe they didn't have a supportive and loving upbringing. They might have been bullied at school. They may be suffering from an undiagnosed mental health disorder such as depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder, an eating disorder, or any form of trauma. Sometimes a toxic relationship is simply the result of an imperfect couple. For example, two people who need control, or a sarcastic type dating a person of fine mental organization.
A person can also be an abuser. Abuse is a demonstration of violence. It doesn't matter if it's psychological or physical. Abuse translated from English means “insult”, “abuse”, “cruel treatment”.
What Causes Toxic Relationships?
There are several factors that can contribute to a toxic relationship. Sometimes one of the partners is narcissistic by nature. For the other person in the relationship, strong attraction may hide negativity from them, or they may feel victimized due to previous trauma.
Toxic relationships can also develop from a once good relationship that has been damaged by external events such as the loss of a job, money, or children. One partner's addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling or porn can also cause a rift, as can an affair.
Healthy relationships take time and energy. It should make you feel—among other things—security, energy, happiness, and respect. While toxic relationships tend to have the opposite effect, causing stress, anxiety and in some cases depression.
Should I stay with this man or look for another?
In order to consciously decide whether to stay with this man or not, you need to:
- Understand yourself, understand what is most important for you, what you are looking for in a man, what you see as your ideal mate. Then evaluate whether the man meets these criteria. There is no need to deceive yourself: the ideal does not exist, every person is imperfect and the most suitable man will always have qualities that do not suit you. It is necessary that you and your chosen one agree on the most important thing , without which you cannot imagine your relationship;
- After analyzing the coincidence of the desired and actually present qualities in the chosen one, delve deeper into the relationship and look as closely as possible at all their manifestations. You may think that everything is fine. At this stage, it happens that we miss warning signs and try not to notice words or actions that we actually don’t like or simply don’t coincide with our vision of an optimal relationship.
Imagine this situation. You have had serious financial problems, saving and spending money correctly is very important to you, otherwise you feel insecure and feel a lot of stress.
If you choose a partner who doesn't attach such importance to money, earns a hundred and spends a thousand, and doesn't suffer from debt, most likely over time this will turn into a serious problem for you.
If one person likes cinema and another likes theater, it’s okay. But if you don't have a common point of view on important issues like children's education or living standards, it will divide you and make you feel worse and worse.
Therefore, the sooner it becomes clear on what issues you disagree and how fundamental they are, the more controllable the situation will be, the simpler and more comfortable your existence will become.
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
What constitutes a toxic relationship may differ from person to person. For some, toxicity can be caused by misunderstanding or miscommunication. For others, it may be due to a lack of common interests. Thus, the effects of toxic relationships on our mental health and well-being will vary.
Here are some of the signs of a toxic relationship:
- Spending time with your partner makes you stressed and irritated.
- Your partner is always criticizing you or offering unsolicited suggestions on what you need to improve.
- Does not support your interests or hobbies.
- Makes comments that make you feel bad or question your own judgment.
- Refuses to take responsibility for his actions and blames you when he hurt your feelings.
- Your partner shuts down when you try to discuss something important with him.
- When you think about the future, you feel fear.
- You constantly don't know where you stand with your partner.
- You don't trust your partner.
- Your family and friends have expressed concerns about the relationship.
- You feel depressed when you spend time with him.
- You don't feel like your "true" self around them.
- Constantly exhausted and lacking energy.
- He constantly forgets—or shows no interest in—the important things in your life.
- Makes you feel guilty about your achievements.
- He holds on to grievances and brings up old arguments.
- He is unreliable, constantly late or makes promises that he does not keep.
- You are waiting for him to change or for the relationship to “go back to the way it was.”
- You stop seeing your friends and don't enjoy your own hobbies.
- Your partner doesn't bring out the best in you (for example, they make you feel paranoid or insecure).
- You voluntarily give up all your personal activities to fit into his schedule.
- You have arguments that are going around in circles without resolution.
- You have lost your sense of self.
- You feel like you're putting your best effort into your relationship.
- Your partner always blames someone else for his problems.
- Lack of communication and a lot of uncomfortable silence.
- Your partner likes to play games that are hot one minute and cold the next.
- He undermines your feelings (publicly or privately).
- He ignores your needs and prioritizes himself.
- You forgive his bad behavior and try to rationalize his actions.
- There is no connection - you are separated or living parallel lives.
- The physical side of relationships can be infrequent or unsatisfactory.
- You have started to resent your partner or perceive that what he is doing is wrong.
- There are times when you don't know where he is.
- You feel squeezed or trapped in the relationship.
The impact of toxic relationships on our physical and mental health can be significant and negative. Research shows that physical effects include poor sleep, increased risk of heart disease, high blood sugar, high blood pressure, obesity, a weakened immune system and organ damage.
The impact on mental health is more insidious and can cause insecurity, poor self-esteem, unhappiness, depression, low energy and mental fatigue. This is largely due to the fact that stress puts us into fight or flight mode, and the body is flooded with the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol.
When you just need to talk: avoidance, high expectations, loneliness
People often call relationships toxic when they assume that their partner should behave the way they want. When one partner does not separate his own picture of the world from the picture of the other. When he believes that with some specific word he can convince his partner of the correctness of his views, and if he is not convinced, then he is toxic.
Sometimes one partner ignores the other's requests because they are afraid of open conflict. Many people develop this strategy in adolescence: when mom reads a long lecture, you need to pretend that you are listening attentively so that they will leave you alone. Because if you argue, you will get a three times longer and louder quarrel with consequences in the form of silence, punishment the next day, and so on. For men, this is added to by the fact that they are taught from childhood that they should not show their emotions. When this manifests itself in an adult relationship, the second partner seems to wash his hands of it, labeling the first one as toxic. Two people fit together like a puzzle: one does not see how he presses, the other does not see how he avoids.
There's a harmful stereotype about romantic love that says you'll meet someone who is completely focused on you. When the romantic period passes - which is normal in any relationship - and the person in love with you returns to their usual interests, it can be painful and hurtful. If you put the offense aside, it turns out that behind it there is someone vulnerable and small who dreams of being “held in their arms” and loved in any form. It’s scary to admit “I feel bad and hurt because I depend on you emotionally” - they might hit the patient. Therefore, we begin to hide behind resentment, anger, irritation. But it simply doesn’t happen that a partner satisfies all our needs. In addition, we are changing, there are dynamics in relationships, new challenges and needs arise. Flexibility and communication are very important here.
Material on the topic
Treason is a multifaceted construct; it is a whole cluster of situations. Many infidelities are committed because the person did not want to harm his partner, but felt so lonely that he grabbed onto someone else. There are demonstrative betrayals that are committed to attract the attention of a partner: “Look, they’re going to take me away now. Look, they’re still interested in me.” And if the partner reacts indifferently, this is again a communication problem. One did not convey that he lacked attention, the other did not hear.
But it can also be toxic behavior. When a partner cheats openly, on purpose, knowing that he is hurting, enjoying his power. When a man does not hide his mistresses from his wife, he does not hesitate to bring sexually transmitted diseases - demonstratively, brazenly. Knowing that she has nowhere to go, that she is busy with children and is financially dependent. Sometimes she also says: “What did you want, I’m a man” - and accuses the woman of getting older and getting fat. This kind of thing is absolutely toxic.
Am I in a toxic relationship?
The following examples may help you determine if you are in a toxic relationship:
- Does this person criticize you, create constant drama, or interrupt you even when it's clear to you that you need time to talk?
- Do you feel calmer when you are away from this person than when you are together?
- Do you notice signs of a lack of trust, such as envy, anger, or a hostile environment?
If you're still unsure, it's always a good idea to talk to someone you trust about the issues you may be facing. Talking about it in a safe environment can help you gain clarity and a deeper understanding of the issue.
And if so? You need to re-evaluate whether the relationship is right for you. Your mental, physical health and well-being should come first. So if your partner is causing you stress and anxiety or lowering your self-esteem, then the next step might be to simply move on.
How to fix a toxic relationship
Only if both parties want this to change will they be able to take responsibility for their part and will be able to create a new and better relationship. Communication is the key to combating toxicity. This starts with an open and honest conversation in which you both can share your feelings about the relationship.
To calibrate your feelings, try this simple exercise. Rate each of the following elements of your relationship from 1 to 10 and ask your partner to do the same:
- Communication
- Relationship
- Liabilities
- Fun
- Development
- Confidence
Share your assessments and discuss the similarities and differences. Talk about your feelings and relieve guilt by saying, “I feel,” rather than, “You don’t...”. Agree, there's only one step you're both going to take this week to improve one priority.
What if your partner refuses to work on the relationship? If your partner doesn't want to participate, it's a clear signal that he's not committed to your relationship, so it might be time to break up.
Toxic relationships vs abusive relationships
Remember, toxic relationships are different from abusive ones. If you suspect your relationship is abusive, trust your instincts and leave.
Some actions that constitute abuse include:
- Actions that distance you from friends or family, such as cutting off the phone line while you are talking.
- Gaslighting, making you believe that you are the one with anger or control issues.
- Talk that puts you down, such as “You can’t do anything right.”
- Displaying controlling behavior, such as asking where you are at all times.
- Threatening suicide or self-harm to manipulate you.
- Interfering with your work life - for example, by humiliating you in the workplace.
- Intimidation - for example, prohibiting someone from leaving the house during a fight.
- Control over your finances - for example, a ban on opening your own bank account.
- Physical violence in any capacity
