In psychology, a love triangle is usually understood as a specific type of relationship between individuals, where two subjects of the situation experience romantic attachment to the same person. Psychologists note that the severity of this phenomenon is more pronounced in countries that adhere to monogamy and condemn polygamous relationships. Typically, love triangles come in two varieties, namely male and female. In the first case, two men love one woman, and in the second, on the contrary, two women love one man.
According to experts, a love triangle can become a constant source of stress and frustration for one or all of its participants. In this article we will try to understand the mechanisms of formation of such a connection, and also discuss methods for overcoming this situation.
Love triangle: how is it formed?
CONTENT:
Regardless of the participants who make up a love trio, the mechanism for forming a triangle is always the same. It consists of 4 steps, following one after another:
- Difficulties in the relationship between two partners. It should be understood that love triangles are impossible in relationships between people who value each other’s company and are completely satisfied with the chosen one. If there is friction between individuals, then they are under the threat of letting a third participant into their personal life. Why is this happening? It’s simple, one of the tandem members decides that he can find “on the side” what he lacks in the current union.
- Search. During this period of formation of the triangle, one of the partners actively searches for a new object for love. For example, a husband shows signs of sympathy for his wife’s friends or a wife lavishes vibes of passion at work, wanting to attract the attention of her colleagues.
- Treason. From flirting and compliments everything turns to cheating. In this case, one of the participants in the love triangle becomes a “victim”, since he does not yet know that the chosen one betrayed him with another person.
- "I know everything". The stage is characterized by the fact that the “victim” finally finds out that she is being cheated on. She has two choices: break off the relationship or reconcile and continue living with the traitor. As you can understand, the love triangle provides for the second version of events. That is, one of the partners does not dare to leave the chosen one, and he continues to cheat, pretending that nothing is happening.
“It should be understood that love triangles are impossible in relationships between people who value each other’s company and are completely satisfied with the chosen one.”
Who benefits from this?
Breaking the Karpman triangle is very, very difficult, because being in it is beneficial to all participants in the process.
- You don’t have to take responsibility for your decisions – it’s always someone else’s fault
- There is always the opportunity to experience strong emotions (even if they are only a surrogate for real feelings, but how easy it is to get them).
So it turns out that the Victim absolutely does not want to completely get rid of the Persecutor. And the Rescuer, in turn, does not want to help the Victim finally solve the problem - otherwise who will he save? No, the Victim wants to receive as much attention and care as possible, the Persecutor experiences righteous anger and a desire to punish all the “guilty”. The rescuer experiences a sense of omnipotence and superiority.
Reasons for the emergence of non-standard relationships
As a result of a survey of married couples who experienced a love triangle, psychologists found that it is usually formed under the influence of such factors:
- The mirage of sincere intimacy in relationships . If a partner is dissatisfied with the chosen one for some reason, then this provokes him to search for the missing feelings and impressions in the other person. At the same time, he continues to behave absolutely normally with his lover, without showing him any irritation or reproaches.
- Complete mismatch of interests . The saying that “opposites attract” is only true at the very beginning of a relationship, but in reality, if people have nothing in common, they quickly tire of each other’s differences. As a consequence, attempts inevitably arise to fill the “spiritual vacuum” with the help of outside connections.
- Lack of mutual respect . How long will a relationship last in which one of the participants constantly yells at the partner or perceives him as an inferior person? Psychologists are sure that they can last for an eternity if the person on whom anger is being vented in the current union finds himself a “vest for complaints,” that is, a person who is able to give him tenderness and love without unnecessary aggression.
- The need to take revenge for an imaginary betrayal . If one of the tandem participants is jealous, then he is quite capable of revenge for the non-existent affair of the chosen one. What will it be expressed in? As a rule, in treason. That is, the one who was afraid of betrayal himself became a traitor. And at the same time the founder of a love triangle.
- Lack of intimate variety in sexual life . Everything is simple here, one of the partners is looking for new sexual experiences in casual relationships on the side. Especially often, this reason provokes the emergence of a love triangle in couples who have lived together for a long time and have become fed up with each other in the bedroom.
- Protest of a suppressed personality . In unions where a man or woman is a tyrant, the suppressed subject sooner or later has an irresistible desire to take “revenge”, avenging years of insults by betraying them with a person who will not bully or humiliate them.
- Old age crisis . In men and women, it manifests itself in the form of a temptation to find a partner who will be much younger than themselves. Thus, they are trying to regain their lost youth and again feel their own attractiveness and sexuality.
The price of a love triangle | Yaroslav Samoilov
Role Definition
The first thing you need to do to determine your chances in a love triangle is to determine your place in it.
There are two main forms:
“Rivalry”, where you are one of two people fighting for the love of the third. "Shared Feeling" where you are a person whose affection is divided between two lovers.
From the point of view of relationship psychology, attachment in the case of a shared feeling can be imaginary.
This occurs when a person imagines that he is in love with a partner he has never met or idealizes someone from his past.
Perhaps you initially had no role and are a victim of another person's betrayal. But even if this is the case, if you decide to try to stay in a relationship with the person who cheated on you, you will have to agree to one of the roles. It's important to be aware of this.
Types of love triangle
So, we have discussed the mechanisms of formation of non-standard relationships, as well as the reasons that push people to seek variety in relationships. What types of love triangles are there? Let's figure it out.
Acting model of a love trio
This pattern occurs especially often between a woman and two men. She loves each of them equally, but cannot make a final choice in favor of one of the partners. There is an apt expression on this topic that “ if a person loves two chosen ones at the same time, then in fact he only loves himself .” Such relationships often end in a very disastrous way, for example, with murder motivated by jealousy.
Love triangle - a mirage
Its essence lies in the fact that the tandem participants get along well together and there is affection and mutual understanding between them. But one of them has a close friend or girlfriend who, in their opinion, is more suitable as a potential chosen one than an actual partner. Moreover, the relationship with this friend is most often exclusively platonic, not including the fact of cheating on the current husband or wife. In psychology, this variation of relationships is also called a theoretical love triangle.
Love quadrangle
In this case, the mutual presence of partners on the side is clearly discussed between the spouses. In such unions there is no jealousy or misunderstanding about infidelity, and the measure itself serves the only purpose - to diversify intimacy .
Paradoxical model of relationships
There are people in the world who cannot live a day without cheating on their current lover. They are attracted by the excitement of finding a partner for casual sex , but they are also unable to exist without support in the form of a home. Moreover, most often they look for a monogamous person who will not cheat on them. Such a marriage is a concentration of quarrels, scandals and deception, but such a couple can exist together for many years, which is a paradox.
Mercantile and career love triangles
Both types of these non-standard relationships are very similar to each other. If in the first case one of the partners cheats on his lover in order to improve the financial affairs of the family , then in the other, attracting a “third party” serves the purpose of moving up the career ladder at work. Moreover, in both cases, the very fact of betrayal is perceived as a benefit that can strengthen the actual connection. Which, however, is not always shared by the “victim” of betrayal.
The “put up or leave” model
This type of love triangle most often forms in couples where one of the partners is an outstanding person , for example, a famous actor or politician. Such a person deliberately puts his chosen one before a difficult choice - to break off the relationship or come to terms with the intrigues of his beloved. As practice shows, often the wives of influential husbands prefer to endure their love affairs for fear of losing their own weight in society or fearing that the breakup will harm the well-being of the children.
As you can understand, there are a huge number of types of love triangles. However, at the heart of each of them is a lack of mutual understanding between partners and a lack of emotional connection. In the next section, we will discuss effective options for getting out of non-standard relationships.
Option 1
Let's look at how this triangle works in our situation from the mistress's point of view . The first, most common scenario: the husband (Victim) believes that his wife (Persecutor) is bullying him, oppressing him, creating unbearable living conditions, and so on. Moreover, please note, this is only a man’s opinion, what is really happening there and who is bullying whom is a separate question. But, being a Victim, he finds himself a Savior - a mistress.
Another subtle point - it doesn’t matter on whose initiative the rapprochement took place, whether the unfaithful husband was actively seducing the potential mistress, or she was just as actively pursuing him, and he obediently agreed to a “left” relationship, the balance of roles does not change. He is the Victim of his wife, his mistress is the Rescuer.
And as soon as the girl entered this triangle, it draws her in and forces her to play by its own rules. The Victim Husband sings sweetly into his ears how unbearable it is for him and his wife, and only she is his true love, his Savior, the only joy in life. And if not for a million insurmountable circumstances, they would have been together, lived happily ever after and died on the same day.
The Rescuer Lover, according to her role, begins to console and give advice on how to overcome all difficulties - and then she herself turns into a Persecutor in the eyes of her lover, because she already demands the impossible from him! He accuses her - oops! – she has already become a Victim. Beauty? And such a whirlwind will last indefinitely.
Even if she refuses to advise or help, the Victim husband will not give up, he will simply begin to demand salvation more and more insistently, and in the end he himself will turn into a Persecutor, forcing his mistress to take the role of the Victim.
Let's see how this scenario looks in real life:
- There are constant quarrels in the family, and the husband, feeling unfairly offended, runs to seek warmth, affection and acceptance on the side. In such a story, if the wife really is the aggressor, and not both of them enjoy these quarrels, the likelihood that the man will still divorce and go to his sweet and affectionate mistress is the highest.
- A child appeared in the family, and all the wife’s strength and attention switched from her husband to the baby. Plus, they also require exorbitant efforts from the husband himself - to earn more, to help with the housework and the child. And he, all tired, poor and unhappy, runs to “rest” with his mistress. Here, too, divorce often happens, but my personal advice is to drive away such a “wretch” with pissing rags, nothing good will come of such a relationship!
- The wife has lost her former attractiveness, it has become uninteresting to be with her, there is little sex, and life is somehow neglected - well, it’s unbearable for a man in such conditions! And again he finds a solution - to find solace in the arms of another woman! This is usually the most hopeless situation in terms of divorce. The man is very comfortable here, and he won’t get around to changing anything for a long time. Rather, he will tell endless stories about his sick wife, about children who need to grow up, about his wife’s lawyer, who in the event of a divorce will definitely leave him without a livelihood, about... well, you yourself know what: you’ve heard it a million times already!
How to break a love triangle: psychological recommendations
Psychologists are convinced that the ways out of this situation are different for men and women. However, the most important thing is to understand that your current relationship is causing you pain and inconvenience . It is the awareness of the presence of a problem and the frustration that arises in connection with this that is the first step towards getting rid of painful relationships.
Statistics show that females are more patient when it comes to love triangles . That is, they are more likely to try to maintain the relationship, even if their husband regularly cheats on them. However, what to do if the “boiling point” has reached its climax? In this case, use the following psychological tips:
- Do not try to blackmail or manipulate your chosen one . Hiding behind children or your own health in the current situation is not the most far-sighted strategy. If you want to save the relationship, this will only encourage your husband to break up. If you want to stop everything, then it is better to leave with dignity and without handouts from the guilty man. This will increase your self-esteem and increase the feeling of guilt that the traitor will inevitably experience when he realizes the consequences of his action.
- Challenge your chosen one to a constructive dialogue . Most women, having become convinced that their husband has a mistress, begin to express their emotions through hysterics and scandals. Thus, they only worsen their own situation. Therefore, do not try to prove anything by shouting, it is better to just sit down with your partner at the negotiating table and have a heart-to-heart talk. Discuss the possibilities of a future together and the reasons that prompted him to exchange you for another woman.
- Change your image . To do this, you will need to understand what exactly attracted your partner to your rival. Perhaps she dresses more stylishly or uses provocative makeup? Don’t be afraid to experiment with your image, because in this way you can not only completely destroy the love triangle, but also become more attractive in the eyes of the man you love.
- Make a decision . A clear understanding of how to live will help you get out of the love triangle. Therefore, ask yourself the question: “Is it worth staying with the person who betrayed me or is it better to get a divorce and seek happiness in another marriage?” You don’t have to make a life-changing decision alone; seek advice from a friend or close relative. An outside perspective is sometimes much more objective than a personal perception of the situation.
Getting out of the love triangle
Summarizing all of the above, I would like to add that getting out of a love triangle is a personal matter for each of its participants. If you are ready to endure your opponent and the feeling of powerless rage he evokes, are ready to be jealous and not be able to somehow influence the course of events, then continue to remain a hostage and “victim” of a non-standard relationship. If not, then seek help from a psychotherapist or simply “burn all bridges” by leaving your unreliable partner.
Option 2
The second scenario is even more disgusting. The family has a Persecutor husband and a Victim wife. And the husband, as a punishment and edification to his wife, takes a mistress. His message to his wife (usually not voiced out loud, but unconsciously) - if you don’t correct yourself and start behaving the way I need, I will leave for my mistress.
Abracadabra! The mistress has already become a Persecutor (she also threatens the family happiness of the Victim wife), and the husband has turned into a Rescuer who does his best to help his wife get rid of her mistress. Then, anyway, the mistress will have to be both the Victim, and the Rescuer, and again the Persecutor. You can't just stop playing this game.
The scenarios here are similar to those in the first paragraph, just with a slightly different emphasis:
- For some reason, the wife (illness, child, general exhaustion, laziness - it doesn’t matter) neglected herself and her life. And the man takes a mistress. Only he no longer complains that it’s so hard for him, poor man. No, he motivates his action by the fact that his wife is to blame. Now, if she improves, starts looking good, puts the house in order, becomes an interesting conversationalist, and so on, then he won’t need other women. Well, while everything is like this, he is simply forced to be with someone else;
- Both are constantly quarreling. But here the man already feels that he is right and must prove it to his wife. He goes and proves... with his mistress, yes.
What should lovers do?
Save yourself! Go away. Run without looking back! You are paying too much for these rare hours of happiness: time irrevocably wasted on waiting, youth and the opportunity to have children with your beloved husband, health due to nerves, sexual dissatisfaction, feelings of resentment towards the entire male world, and feelings of guilt before the female world...
Know that you can get out of your love triangle !
What should men do?
Open your eyes and take care of your wife! Or someone else will take care of it...
If you are ready to forgive cheating, let your woman know that you value and respect her and that you can be romantic. Cherish it. For the rest, the wife herself will help you, doing everything to ensure that the memory of the betrayal remains a bad dream. If you want to have sex with your wife, you can discuss this option. But only according to the rules and be sure to listen to her. If the answer is “No”, don’t risk your feelings and future for the sake of fantasy.
