Why do we suffer after a breakup?

07/08/20215 minutes read 515

One of the most popular topics in relationship psychology, as well as the most common question that interests almost every person at a certain period of life: how to survive a breakup? Everyone in this world dreams of true love, from which the heart skips a beat, about a strong family, about their soul mate, with whom, as in a fairy tale, “they lived happily ever after and died on the same day.”

Unfortunately, this rarely happens, especially in our time, when you can file for divorce without even leaving your home. Usually, before meeting your destiny, your betrothed has to meet very different personalities, who, by the way, are not always pleasant and friendly.

This is especially true for teenagers, when, due to lack of experience, a lot of mistakes are made, often under the influence of strong emotions and outbursts of feelings. In adulthood, people also make mistakes, so this topic will be interesting for any generation.

Different people behave differently when breaking up. Some learn the lesson and move on, realizing that life does not end there and everything is ahead, while others plunge into severe depression, in which they can live for many months and even years.

Quote Sometimes breaking up is no more difficult than returning a book to the library, and sometimes breaking up turns your whole life upside down.

Veronica Dranez

Why is it so bad?

It is necessary to understand how internal chemical processes occur. When a person falls in love, at the very beginning of the relationship, happiness hormones begin to be produced in his brain, namely oxytocin and dopamine. Literally, “wings grow” behind your back, “butterflies are fluttering” in your stomach, the lover is ready to move mountains, he is filled with a feeling of joy. When your other half is nearby, these hormones splash out into the blood in large quantities, the so-called reward system turns on and the person feels happy.

If you delve deeper into this topic, you can divide the process into several periods:

When lovers begin to meet, those same “wings behind your back” or “butterflies in your stomach” appear. The hormone Testosterone in men and Estrogen in women are responsible for this.
Dopamine is responsible for the desire to achieve a partner. He is responsible for the inner confidence in pleasure with a partner. At the stage of falling in love, Cortisol is produced, which puts a person in a state of stress. Then Adrenaline begins to be released, as a result of which there is a desire to “jump and gallop” at the sight of a favorite object, that same frantic heart rhythm, as if it is about to jump out of the chest.
When you fall in love, the level of Norepinephrine actively increases. It stores in memory all the stimuli associated with the loved one, according to scientific “imprinting”. The image of the passion will be imprinted in the brain, thereby making it difficult to easily survive the breakup in the future. At the same time, the level of the hormone Serotonin decreases, that is, obsessive thoughts about a dear and sweet object do not leave.
When a relationship develops in the right direction, everything is good and calm, the person feels emotional stability, and the partners produce Oxytocin. This process was conceived by nature so that the couple would be together and engage in procreation.

But something went wrong and the moment of separation came. The same system of rewards and feelings of happiness ceases to function. In its place, another protective system of the body is activated - the pain perception system, and stress hormones are produced. They, in turn, affect the entire body, the immune system, cardiovascular, digestive.

The brain receives many signals, and all these signals are the same as during physical pain, so the person feels very bad, although nothing hurts him. The phrase “Broken Heart” is not just a catchphrase, it can be explained theoretically. Serious pathological disorders in the functioning of the heart muscle under the influence of stress hormones. In the most severe and advanced cases, they can even lead to death.

Restoring emotional balance after separation occurs differently for everyone, it all depends on the type of nervous system, various circumstances accompanying separation, as well as the efforts and desires made by a person to start a new life.

Quote Depression after a breakup is not a disease! This is acclimatization in a new period of life.

Victor Sdoy

Why track your emotions?

Falling in love and the development of attachment is accompanied in the human body by certain psychophysical processes. First of all, the role of these mediators is played by hormones. A person begins to experience pleasure, calmness next to a partner, needs his attention, and a need appears to take care of his loved one in return.

When this cycle is suddenly interrupted for one reason or another, the body experiences a serious imbalance from unfamiliarity - after all, the production of hormones continues, but the object of love is absent. Anxiety and dissatisfaction arise, and depression sets in.

Every person should know and be aware of how they will feel after a divorce. In addition, by monitoring changes in well-being and emotional state, you can promptly take appropriate measures to neutralize or at least reduce discomfort.

Otherwise,
there is a possibility of falling into a prolonged depression, which will lead to :

deterioration in appearance;
development of problems with physical and mental health;
loss of the skill of building social connections;
reassessment of life guidelines;
immoral lifestyle;
decreased self-esteem.

The longer the stress continues, the harder it will be to return to a normal, healthy, fulfilling life, to find happiness with another partner, to become a professional, sought-after employee, or a good friend.

How to survive a breakup. Psychologist's advice

Everything passes, and this too will pass through King Solomon.

Even if at the moment you don’t understand at all how to live on, you are scared, broken and crushed, it is important to remember that this will not last forever. Sooner or later, the mental pain will pass, or at least dull. The main thing is not to give up, to move on. Life does not end with divorce or separation. There are still many joyful days, interesting endeavors and new happy relationships ahead.

Allow yourself to suffer and grieve. Yes, that's where you need to start. Give free rein to your emotions, cry, scream. Don't try to console yourself or be insincerely cheerful and pretend to be a superhero with an iron heart. Mourn for ended relationships, broken dreams and hopes, mourn them until the tears run out.
Strength and peace of mind, and with it the joy of life, will definitely return, it just takes time. Try to come to terms with the new state of affairs, with the changes in life. Look for energy without the love of your ex-partner and now rely only on yourself.
Stop blaming yourself. The breakup is both of them's fault. There is no need to look for who is more to blame and who is less. Responsibility for the relationship lies equally on the shoulders of the lovers. Moreover, what happened cannot be changed or corrected, which means the search for those to blame is at least pointless. Learn a lesson - Yes, blame yourself - No.
Don't try to get the relationship back. After the breakup of a long-term relationship, the fear of loneliness, ignorance and inability to live alone may come over you, and accordingly you will want to return everything as it was. Not worth it. It's definitely not worth it. Your relationship will never be the same, even if you manage to reunite. But as a rule, all attempts to renew the connection will only humiliate your own dignity, so do not succumb to the insidious feeling of fear and the flow of emotions.
Do not maintain any contact with your ex. At least at first. The prospect of remaining friends is too small, especially in the initial stages after a breakup, and it is unlikely that you really need it. Love under the guise of friendship will cause a lot of suffering, and it is possible to forget a person faster only by not maintaining any relationship at all. Therefore, “out of sight, out of mind.”
Remove and throw away everything related to past relationships. This applies to things, household items, photographs, etc. Get rid of anything that reminds you of your ex so that no trace remains. Unfollow on social networks, delete the music you liked to listen to together.
Ask your family and friends not to remind you or start conversations about the relationship. Do a general cleaning of your home, rearrange the furniture, buy new decor, update the space, you will immediately feel better.
Take care of your health: proper nutrition, a healthy lifestyle, sports and movement, walks in the fresh air. Keep yourself in good shape, take care of yourself externally and internally. You can change your image, hairstyle, clothing style. Clean out your entire wardrobe and throw away the junk. External changes will support your emotional mood, and you may feel better.
Support from others. Do not hesitate to ask your family and friends for help and do not refuse if they offer it. Communicate more with dear people, this will help get rid of difficult thoughts.
Find something you love to do, or finally do something you’ve been dreaming about for so long. Perhaps you have always wanted to go abroad, but there was no time, in which case, leave your doubts and go, or finally start drawing.
The choice of hobbies is now greater than ever, choose what you like and go ahead. Go deeper into your work if your hobby doesn’t work out, career growth has never stopped anyone, and increasing your knowledge and qualifications will always be in your favor.
Find your inner strength, inner resource. Build healthy, adequate self-esteem. The victim syndrome must be left in the past. In the present, you need to take responsibility for your life into your own hands and not expect that someone should make you happy.
Communicate more with friends and colleagues. Open up to the world - it is full of wonderful people.

We recommend reading the interesting article “After divorcing my husband”

Don't give up!

Sometimes we see only one scenario for fulfilling our desire, although in fact there may be many of them. For example, I believed that since my beloved man and I live in different cities, my desire would only come true if I moved to his city. So I programmed myself for the only possible scenario for the fulfillment of a desire. As a result, this scenario took longer to come to fruition.

You can become desired by your ex again and restore your relationship much faster if you do everything right right away.

Sign up for a free master class by Elizaveta Volkova and receive step-by-step instructions “How to get your beloved man back in 35 days”:

ATTEND THE MASTER CLASS

In this article, I shared my own experience, and I would be interested to know - what methods helped you (or did not help) get your loved one back and improve your relationship with him? Tell us in the comments.

Top 5 Best Exercises to Get Over a Breakup

Breaking up is not easy or carefree for anyone; it is stressful for both participants in the relationship; however, there are useful exercises to ease the experience. They will help you understand the reasons for the separation, allow you to understand lessons and gain experience.

Important! The exercises must be performed when the first and most severe pain has already subsided, and you are able to reason soberly and calmly.

Let's look at 5 main ones:

Start from the beginning. Take a piece of paper and a pen and write the story of your acquaintance, your first meeting, how your relationship developed at the “dawn”. Focus on your feelings and emotions that you experienced towards your partner during meetings, dates, and at the beginning of your life together. Give a separate place to the item “unfulfilled dreams” or what hopes you had with this person.
Perhaps already at this stage you will be able to catch several points that foreshadowed failures and problems in the future. These may be various character traits or behaviors of you and/or your partner.
In your next letter, describe how that same relationship developed. Start by describing yourself, just outside of this relationship. How you lived at the time you met, what you dreamed of, what you wanted to achieve and receive. Write what at that moment you could offer your couple, and what she could offer you.
Just imagine that you are making a film about your life and love. Tell us about the reasons for the breakup. For example, perhaps at the beginning of the relationship, you needed support, approval and help, and later you outgrew it and found strength in yourself. Or another example, you were connected by strong passion, incomparable sex, but after a few years the emotions subsided, and nothing else in common appeared.
Analyze the breakup itself on paper. Describe the moment when the realization of the end came, how you felt at the same time. Don't be shy in your expressions, don't choose phrases. Write from the heart everything that boiled over, everything that brought pain.
Describe your fears, feelings of guilt - when they appeared, in what form; your actions and words towards your partner. This will allow you to identify mistakes, shortcomings and learn from them. Write to yourself, support yourself, get rid of guilt, you need to forgive yourself before starting a new life.
Thankful letter. Now write lines of praise. Remember all the good moments, the emotions associated with them, joyful meetings, happy periods. Thank your ex for this.
The last letter is the most important. Assess your current reality, opportunities and prospects. Answer the question: what kind of person do you want to see next to you in the future?

An important rule for all exercises is that you must be extremely sincere with yourself, no one will ever see these letters. Once you have worked through each exercise, feel free to burn, tear and delete these memories. If the pain from separation does not go away, exercises, advice, etc. do not help. There is no desire to live at all, you can’t raise your hands and you want to cry all the time, contact a specialist, don’t delay.

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How do the feelings of a woman and a man differ?

The differences between female and male reactions to separation are due to the fact that the fair half of humanity is more picky in choosing a partner. In addition, girls invest more mental and emotional energy into the relationship, fantasize about the future and have certain expectations for the guy. When thoughts don't match expectations, women experience more stress than men during a breakup.

Numerous studies have shown that the fair sex not only suffers more from a breakup, but also recovers faster from loss. The initial reactions of partners to separation come down to two opposite models of behavior: return love and improve the relationship or break off the connection forever.

The second option is a typical female approach. After all, if the couple did not materialize, what is the point of investing further effort there, spoiling plans for the future?

Girls:

resolutely get rid of given gifts;
they delete messages and photos and successfully pretend that they never knew their ex-partner.

Of course, the stage of suffering from separation does occur, but, as a rule, it does not last long.

In men, emotionality is less pronounced; upon separation, they gain a sense of freedom and joyfully anticipate permissiveness. However, the joy from this does not last long. Guys suffer less than women, but it takes them much longer to get over the consequences of a breakup.

Only after a certain period do men begin to seriously think about what they have lost. After months or years, they are able to again try to win the attention of their former passion, not deciding on a new relationship, going through the “grinding in” stage.

Of course, tendencies in reaction to separation are individual. Separation causes discomfort to both partners, but some understand and react to it immediately, gradually returning to normal life, while others prefer to postpone the moment of truth indefinitely, feeding on illusions and the benefits of the solution.

What you should never do after a breakup

But what you shouldn’t do after a breakup is:

Throwing yourself into the arms of the first people you meet, making promiscuous connections. The brain will demand the hormone of happiness and it will seem quite possible to get it with a new acquaintance, but there is a catch. You will get nothing but resentment and regret.
Moreover, when trying to build a new relationship, you can give false hope to an innocent person and also break his heart with subsequent refusal. Very rarely does the “wedge with wedge” method work; usually, quick, thoughtless connections only lead to new grievances. Therefore, take your time, and take precautions.
Don’t harm your ex(s), don’t play dirty tricks, don’t blackmail, don’t bully. This is very low, wretched and vile. These actions will only prove that you are deeply unhappy and insignificant. You will spend a colossal amount of energy, directing it into a negative stream, thereby emptying yourself.
Alcohol. This is where you should be as careful as possible. Addictions, whatever they may be, can cause irreparable harm to health, both physical and psychological.
Don't call or write to your ex-partner. Don’t try to get him/her back, don’t humiliate yourself, maintain your dignity. Do not stoop to surveillance, for example, on social media. networks, just leave them alone.
There is no need to prove anything more, no need to change for the sake of your ex. It is difficult to turn this page, but it is possible.

Quote: Seek your happiness, even if it means going through major changes. Then you look back at the painful breakup and relationship you didn't like, and thank yourself for leaving them in the past.

Leighton Meester

Who will win?

You probably know that a lot depends on who initiated the separation. This important point determines the balance of power in the process of breaking up, and also affects the degree and depth of your emotional experiences.

If he left you, do not commit inappropriate, inappropriate and rash actions, for which you will be ashamed later. Yes, it hurts, it’s insulting, because some man just rejected you. This is why you allow yourself to feel anger and sadness, grief and despair. You shouldn’t try to appear strong - this will take a lot of mental strength, which is important to you now for something completely different.

There is another very interesting point: when we are abandoned, the feeling of guilt is much deeper, because it often seems that we were rejected because of our own individual shortcomings. At the same time, the woman practically does not take responsibility, since the decision to separate was made by the man. And in this case, you should be careful and not slip into the position of a victim, which attracts you to yourself after such a breakup.

If you decide to break off the relationship, there is a high probability that you will be overcome by resentment and anger. It was you who made the decision to break up, and most likely it is due to your deep dissatisfaction with the relationship. But it can be not very easy to drive away the thought: “Why didn’t he do anything to save me?” This position is less destructive to your personality, but it also has its dangers. Don’t doubt and don’t regret your actions, reproaching yourself for being bad at least. Now the main thing for you is time to come to your senses, because it’s not for nothing that they say that time is the best healer.

How to forget your partner and move on with your life

Probably every person in his life has encountered separation, separation. Recovering from a breakup is very difficult. Most people have a hard time breaking up painlessly and forgetting their passion. After all, the brain will treacherously remind you of happy moments and pleasant meetings. Still, you will have to live on, so it is worth emphasizing the main points:

Respect each other, no matter how difficult it may seem. Despite the great desire to say a harsh or unpleasant phrase, try to remain silent, be above it. Passions will subside and you will feel ashamed.
Return or give away things that connect you to the past.
Delete numbers, social network accounts, unsubscribe from everywhere and don’t even think about following them. Accept your ex's new life and also accept your new life.
Keep your distance. Realize the fact that you are no longer together, so avoid meeting.
Don't have empty hopes for a reunion. Everything in this world is not eternal, everything ends.

What Your Brain Can Do to You: The Broken Record Analogy

All your memories of past love , when everything was good, bloomed and smelled - it’s just an appearance. If that balance were preserved, then this would really be so. And this is an illusory appearance. This is already like a broken record, which is also broken.
How is your brain playing tricks on you? When you had a breakup and there were a lot of mistakes that you don’t even really want to remember, your brain throws this broken record at you.
In your head you yourself put on this broken record , where the smooth melody no longer plays, but an incomprehensible grinding sound, a pitiful semblance of a melody and only unpleasant sounds.
This record no longer needs to be repaired ! You just need to find what you really need!
There's no need to even try to go back . It's not worth it. Approach the situation soberly, and you will know everything about how to start living after breaking up with your loved one.

Accept the fact of the breakup

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko: Pexels
This is a very important point. After you and your man have ceased to exist as a couple, it is important to get used to this fact. Especially if the relationship was long and lasted for many years. Sometimes couples have been dating since school, and then, growing up, they realize that they have both changed and it is better to continue on their own path.

Perhaps you and your man were already preparing for the wedding, but at some point you realized that it was all a mistake and came to a mutual agreement to separate. No matter who makes the decision, you must accept the fact that you are no longer together.