Previously, long-distance relationships were more often explained by long business trips and studies or were a continuation of holiday romances, but now dating services and social networks allow you to initially start relationships with people all over the world. However, the concept of “long-distance relationship” (LDR) is quite vague. Distance partners can be in a guest marriage (spouses living separately), live in neighboring cities and see each other on weekends, while someone meets a person on the other side of the world via the Internet, begins to communicate closely with him and calls it a relationship - and for This doesn’t have to happen offline.
In any case, long-distance relationships imply that partners are forced to be separated for relatively long periods of time (for example, longer than a standard business trip) and lead their lives separately from each other.
LDR Statistics
Long-distance relationships have begun to be seriously studied in the last 15–20 years, so there is not much statistical data about them.
According to the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships (in the USA):
- 14 million couples identify themselves as having a long-distance relationship;
- 3.75 million married couples are in LDR;
- 32.5% of all LDRs are relationships between university and college students;
- 75% of all engaged couples have been in a long-distance relationship at some point;
- 2.9% of all married couples in the United States live separately;
- 10% of all marriages in the United States began with a long-distance relationship;
- 40% of all LDRs end in breakup;
- 1.5 times a month is the average number of times partners visit each other;
- 14 months is the average number of months it takes before partners begin planning to live together.
LDRs are especially common among the younger generation: students make up 25% to 50% of the participants in such relationships.
A 2010 study in Germany found that the average length of a long-distance relationship was 2.9 years. This is less than half the length of a “regular” relationship, which is 7.3 years.
About a third of LDR couples broke up within three months of moving in together.
Communicate more often
The advice may seem banal only at first glance, but in life everything is much more complicated. How often you communicate with each other is influenced by the desire of both partners, the amount of free time, the quality of communication and even time zones. Despite the obstacles, do your best to check in with each other every day to share news and see how you're doing. This will help you both feel like you're still important in each other's lives and that even from a distance you can still find time to connect.
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More details
Why do people choose long distance relationships?
It is impossible to say whether people consciously choose the format of long-distance relationships, not accepting more geographically close options, or whether they are forced to find themselves in a situation of love thousands of kilometers away.
There are three main reasons why long distance relationships work out.
Firstly, people have to leave for objective reasons for a long time. This could be a new job, study or other circumstances that require a change of residence.
Then the partners decide: why not try to be together at a distance? There is no need to end a relationship just because a loved one is hundreds of kilometers away from you. The main thing is that both partners are sure that this is a temporary difficulty and they will be close again.
Secondly, people often meet on the Internet. It is not surprising that they begin their relationships in the same way, planning to “bring” them into reality in the future. If you have found a person who is close to you and with whom you have many similarities, then why do you need to choose someone geographically closer? When the entire globe is “open” to you, you want to take advantage of it and find the person who best suits you.
Woman, 22 years old, Ukraine, in LDR with a man from the DPR:
“I am a very shy person when it comes to communicating with the opposite sex with a hint of something more than just friendship. I never went beyond one date with guys, and even these few dates were akin to torture for me (regardless of the guy’s attractiveness and efforts), because I felt wildly awkward and was just waiting for it to finally end.
Another thing is communication on the Internet. Here you can give yourself time to think before responding to this or that message, and everything seems not to be real and therefore not so stressful.
So it’s not surprising that I was able to really get closer to a person and move to a new level of communication on the Internet. When we first met, I was still terribly afraid, but everything went much better than on all the other dates in my life, because after several months of communicating online we had already gotten to know each other very well and became very close.”
Thirdly, people often fall in love on business trips, tourist trips and travel. And if earlier a holiday romance was doomed from the start, now, when we already spend most of the day buried in a smartphone, it is not surprising that the love of our life “lives” on the device.
Use modern technologies
We have a lot of opportunities to keep in touch with each other, but nothing can replace the pleasant feeling of touching your partner. Fortunately, in recent years several devices have been developed that partially solve this problem. With some fitness bands, you can send vibrations to your loved one to the rhythm of your heartbeat, or use synchronized rings that imitate a person's touch. Of course, all these “toys” are just a temporary measure, but why not bring a little unpredictability into your relationship?
Photo: pexels.com/ru-ru/@ekaterina-bolovtsova
Psychology of LDR
The worldview of new generations allows for different formats of relationships. If previously it was difficult to move away from the “school-university-family” trajectory, now you can live the way you feel comfortable, and society is no longer too judgmental of those who do not follow the path trodden by their parents. The long-distance relationship format destroys spiritual bonds: it does not fit into established ideas about family.
New generations have a different approach to creating a couple and, subsequently, a family. More thoughtful, does not tolerate haste, and this is not only about the desire to “live for yourself”, it is about awareness. Young people are in no hurry to start families so as not to make mistakes. They want children to be born in a healthy atmosphere of partnership and raised in love and harmony.
Male, 27 years old, Finland, one year in LDR with an Australian woman:
“I am very sensitive, many traits can scare me away: taste in music, choice of pets, clothing style, favorite philosophers, preferences in art, ability to communicate, willpower - all this matters when choosing a partner. It turned out that within a radius of hundreds of kilometers from me, I simply could not find a person who would interest me. What option do I have? To choose from those who are nearby and start a relationship with many compromises - for what?”
Over the course of a decade and a half in Russia, the age at first marriage has increased for both men and women by almost 3 years (for men - from 24.4 to 27.4; for women - from 22.2 to 25).
Modern young people consider indicators of success not so much the presence of housing and family, but social mobility, the opportunity to travel and engage in self-development. In their opinion, it is much more productive to create a union when you are two mature individuals and when family is another step in this development for you. Research shows that officially registered marriages are becoming fewer and fewer.
Ekaterina Ignatova, psychologist, gestalt therapist, author of the “Butterfly Affect” telegram channel:
“The attitude towards intimacy is changing. For generation Z, this is not only and not so much about sex, but about spiritual intimacy and friendship. Thanks to technology, close and deep relationships can be maintained at a distance.”
According to a 2007 study, people in long-distance relationships have a more idealistic view of their partner and have more positive memories and romance compared to couples who live together.
Many readers of my channel note that they feel more free in LDR: they have more opportunities to meet with friends and family, and there is no need to adjust their schedule to meet with their loved one.
Male, 27 years old, Finland, one year in LDR with an Australian woman:
“You can communicate with the person who is in love with you at any time and get to know each other without changing your lifestyle.”
Rule 6. Unexpected and pleasant!_6
When people are in different cities, there is always the opportunity to send a gift to each other. It could be a bouquet for your girlfriend, a nice gift for a guy, or an unexpected visit to your loved one will cause a storm of emotions. If time permits and there is an opportunity to meet for a short time, do not miss this chance! Emotions will run high, and the new environment will only fuel passion. Even an hour of meeting during a long separation will brighten up the waiting period and fill you with strength.
Challenges of LDR
Surveys of students suggest that partners who doubted they would ever live together felt “significantly more upset and less satisfied” than those who were sure.
Of course, few people are able to withstand the high level of uncertainty inherent in long-distance relationships: they involve greater freedom for both partners and less opportunity for control. In addition, it is much easier to end a long-distance relationship - this circumstance makes it difficult for some to feel safe.
Ekaterina Ignatova, psychologist:
“Our way of building relationships is greatly influenced by the type of attachment (J. Bowlby) that we acquire in our parental family. For people with a secure attachment type, distance may not significantly affect the perception of their partner and themselves. For them, long-distance relationships can be quite strong and close.
If a person has an anxious or avoidant attachment type, then increasing distance causes severe anxiety. It is important for them to receive confirmation of their love. Because of anxiety, there is a temptation to think further, doubt, and look for flaws in your partner. In such conditions, difficulties and conflicts are experienced especially acutely. And, of course, this greatly affects the climate in relations and their stability.”
What other challenges are there in LDR?
Difference in time
Synchronizing your time for communication is quite difficult, especially when you have a big difference in time zones. When one of the partners has a free minute, and the other is working, relaxing with friends or just sleeping, it’s quite difficult to say to yourself “oh well” and go about your business. When you want attention and communication, but there is no way to satisfy the need for this on your own, thoughts of loneliness and jealousy may arise.
Difference in mentality
The difference in the attitude of partners towards work, money, family and childbirth is important. Our values depend on our upbringing and the culture in which we were formed. Sometimes cultural differences can become quite a problem.
The language barrier can also be added to this point: if partners are native speakers of different languages, then it will be more difficult for them to express their feelings and emotions, especially when correspondence is the main method of communication.
And at first, misunderstandings are inevitable, even if you have a perfect command of the language your partner speaks.
Jealousy
Neither partner in a long-distance relationship can control the other: who is he with, what is he doing, and is he telling the truth? Jealousy appears not only from the fear that they will find a replacement for you, but also due to the fact that the partner spends time with friends: they can be near him, but you cannot.
Lack of physical intimacy
Sex is one of the most important items on the LDR list of challenges. Physical intimacy contributes to the emergence of attachment to a person on a hormonal level: we need touch, kind words, hugs from a partner. In addition, it is much easier to convey your emotions by simply hugging a person, looking into their eyes, or smiling. People have different sexual needs, but almost everyone has them.
Woman, 23 years old, Ukraine, in LDR with a Russian:
“The most important difficulty is the lack of warmth, tenderness, hugs and support. Tactile sensations, social stroking, the opportunity to fool around, watch a movie in an embrace - I need all this like air. If I felt bad and my man was nearby at that moment, he would probably just hug me, but he doesn’t know how to show tenderness from a distance. I have to put up with this. And emotions are still invisible: it is impossible to track how your words and actions affect a person. Everything needs to be spoken out.”
Loved ones against
Both among young people and among older people, there are those who look at relationships more conservatively, believing that LDR is self-indulgence. It’s especially hard when your loved ones think so. You want to feel support from them, but all you see is distrust and a desire to prove that your relationship is doomed.
Stages of developing long-distance relationships
Beginning: torment. At first, it is difficult to come to terms with the fact that the one with whom you want to spend all your time is not there. This is felt especially strongly during moments of emotional outbursts, when you really want to share your feelings with your partner, but there is no such opportunity.
Woman, 22, Russia, 2 years in LDR with a Russian:
“It’s difficult at the beginning when you have to get used to the fact that you love a person who is far away. After a year it became easier. The first year I wanted to howl literally every evening, I fell into despair.”
Romance. Then you get used to this format of relationships, and the most romantic period begins: sweet messages, confessions, the desire to always be in touch and butterflies in your stomach when notifications about new letters from your loved one appear on the screen.
It is easier to love an image created by the imagination than a real person. In online relationships, everything is simpler than in real life: when you are tired, not in the mood, or just want to escape from a conflict, you can simply “turn off” your partner and not decide anything.
Woman, Ukraine, 3 years in LDR with a Ukrainian:
“As you know, in relationships there is usually a so-called candy-bouquet period, when people try to show their best side and often, through the prism of love, do not see each other’s shortcomings. In a long-distance relationship, this stage can drag on for a very long time (several years).”
You begin to look at your partner realistically later—much later than in a “reality” relationship. When meeting offline, the romantic aura dissipates: you are faced with reality, with everyday problems. Or the relationship stops developing and freezes in limbo, which causes a feeling of dissatisfaction.
Rare meetings. LDR meetings are always an important step. On the one hand, rare meetings are very pleasing and inspiring, giving strength for some time. But in any case, they are followed by separation, which can turn into sadness and despair. It is not known when the next meeting will take place - or whether there will be one?
Woman, 23, Ukraine, 3 years in LDR with a Russian partner:
“I understand how much emotional storm we will have after it [the meeting. — Approx. ed.]".
The problem of developing relationships. When partners in a long-distance relationship have more or less gotten to know each other, learned to resolve conflicts and developed a comfortable rhythm of communication, a new problem arises. I want further development of the relationship, but it does not happen: romantic love passes, but it is not possible to deepen the relationship.
Doubts arise: will it be possible to move from the LDR stage to a relationship in real life? This question hangs like a sword of Damocles over one or both partners, making it difficult to enjoy life and plan for the future.
The end of LDR: living together? If the long-distance relationship has not fallen apart by this point, then perhaps sooner or later you will start living together. But you need to understand that at this stage none of the partners can yet guarantee that everything will work out. It feels like you've been in a relationship for a long time, but you're just getting to know each other's real habits - and you might not like what you learn about your partner.
Woman, 29, Russia, 10 years in LDR with a Ukrainian:
“Over ten years, we changed several formats of relationships, including living together almost without interruptions for a couple of years and communicating only virtually for about a year (in that order). This flexibility is a definite plus of LDR. We are not tied to each other within 30 meters of one apartment (or even within the same city or country) and can choose for ourselves how to build our lives. As a result, in recent years we have settled on a nomadic format: we live for several months in Russia, several in Ukraine, and between moves we are separated for a month and a half. This scheme of a guest marriage allows you to combine the best of ordinary family life (living together, cooking, evening drinks, long conversations in the kitchen) with the best of single life (the opportunity to live alone, not communicate with anyone, or to walk and have fun with friends, leisurely home in the evenings. Now we can afford to add third countries to our moves: thanks to this format of relationship, we have developed professionally as digital nomads who can work anywhere in the world.”
Rule 2. Trust and not check_2
The separation can last for months. It makes no sense to stop the rhythm of life for this time and go to a monastery. Absolute freedom gives you the desire to go to great lengths to dispel melancholy and boredom. This is normal when a new social circle arises and new acquaintances are able to replace the lack of communication with a partner. This is not about physical betrayal, but about full communication in reality. Partners should discuss the prospects for a vacation separately and not stir up scandals over socializing in the company of friends.
How to survive in LDR
In order not to screw up in a long-distance relationship, you need to understand what you expect from each other - and talk about it with your partner.
For example, decide whether it is acceptable for you to have sex with other people - or whether sexual exclusivity is important to you even in a long-distance relationship.
If you decide that you can indulge in outside relationships, then remember that physical intimacy promotes the production of oxytocin and affection. Don't forget to discuss this too: maybe a long-distance relationship seems like an ideal basis for polyamory, but your partner is already committed to strict abstinence.
Distance teaches you how to build communication, since you have to discuss everything that worries you in words. When you finally start living together, this skill will come in handy.
Girl, 23, Ukraine, 3 years in LDR with a Russian:
“It’s better to negotiate everything on the shore. How to communicate, how to support, how to resolve conflicts, what do you expect from the relationship and what do you want to achieve, will you have children, etc. Because spending several years on a person with whom you have different life goals and values, - unreasonable."
Do not narrow your entire world to one point on the map - the place where your loved one is. It is impossible for everything to converge on him alone. Putting your social life on hold just because your loved one can't be there in person is wrong.
Girl, 21, Russia, 1 year in LDR with a German:
“Another huge disadvantage is that my whole life is on my phone. I remember parties where friends said: “Hey, put down your iPad and chat with us.” How can I do this if there, 700 km away from me, he wants to discuss something right now and if I say: “Sorry, I want to be with friends, let’s discuss this tomorrow,” he will worry and won’t be able to sleep . There was a case when I was in Barcelona and I didn’t have mobile Internet, and he wrote a bunch of messages on a topic that we discussed before I was offline, he himself drew some conclusions, broke up with me (!!!) , wrote to my sister and her boyfriend, and all this in a couple of hours of my absence. Then I returned, and he apologized for a long time and corrected the consequences of what he had done.”
Create joint rituals. Calls before bed, exchange of photos from trips, audio messages telling how the day went.
Regular joint activities help to be closer. Thanks to gadgets, you can have dinner together, fall asleep or go shopping - take advantage of it.
Don't forget about sex. Technology provides many opportunities to experience long-distance sexual connection. In addition to sexting and sharing erotic photos and videos, there are gadgets that can be controlled remotely from anywhere in the world.
Discuss your expectations of each other and your future. If you initially have different plans, it’s unlikely that anything good will come of it.
You want a big house, a dog and a bunch of kids, and your partner wants to travel around the world with one backpack. If your goals do not coincide, no matter how much you love a person, he will not change. And if he changes for your sake, he will be unhappy and most likely you will be to blame for this. But that's not what we want, right?
Ekaterina Ignatova, psychologist:
“At the very beginning of a relationship, it is important for partners to discuss why they need this relationship in this format, what options there are for the development of events. If for one it is just a temporary relationship, and for the other it is the hope of migrating to another country, then it is better to clarify these expectations at the start. So that there are no disappointed hopes. It is also important to agree on the frequency and method of communication. About whether it is possible to have sexual relations with someone else. About what will be considered treason. About who pays the costs of organizing meetings.
In fact, we are talking about the so-called contract, which is “concluded” in any relationship. It’s just that the content of such an agreement for a long-distance relationship is slightly different.”
Meet. If there is an opportunity to see each other, do not neglect it: spending time together, even if it is short, will support you in the LDR stage. You need hugs and touches to nourish your love not only spiritually, but also physically.
Trust. Without trust, you cannot build any relationship. If you constantly torment yourself with guesses about where your partner is, what he is doing and with whom, you will go crazy.
Think about joint activities
Thanks to the development of various services, we now have the opportunity not only to communicate, but also to spend time together virtually. We are talking about various online games and online cinemas where you can watch and discuss a movie together. Also, during the pandemic, services have appeared that allow you to complete the quest remotely. Virtual museums, exhibitions and theaters will help you diversify your leisure time. You can also cook together: just turn on video chat and communicate while preparing dinner to create the appearance that you are very close to each other.
Photo: pexels.com/ru-ru/@vlada-karpovich
