Adviсe
- When can you start a new relationship after a breakup?
- The dangers of a new relationship after a breakup
- Signs of substitution
- How to find comfort after a breakup without a new relationship
Western psychologists warn against quick relationships after breakups. We have a common method: “They knock out a wedge with a wedge.” What is the danger of a new relationship after a breakup, what stages of reflection must be experienced, and how to properly distract yourself from negative emotions?
Parting is always stressful, no matter what it is - stormy or peaceful. It hurts the people left behind, but the imprint on the state of mind remains on the initiators of the breakup. It is sometimes difficult to understand the range of feelings: pain, guilt, bitterness of loss, low self-esteem, jealousy, fear of loneliness. All of them deform the inner world, up to complete spiritual devastation.
The recovery period is different for each person. But it is necessary and inevitable. This must be remembered when plunging into the darkest depths of despair. As well as the fact that everything passes. Even if at this moment, it seems to you that life is over.
How do you know that you can start building a new relationship after a breakup?
Check yourself with this checklist. If the vast majority of answers are positive, feel free to start building a new relationship.
- You experience light sadness, indifference or a feeling of gratitude towards your ex. When you meet him on the street - alone or with a new passion - you will only smile. No anger, jealousy, pain, trembling, red cheeks. You calmly say hello and move on, thinking about your own things, don’t think about him all night and don’t call your friend in tears.
- There is no fear of loneliness. You don’t care if there is a man nearby, if anyone is thinking about you. Your life is filled with interesting events.
- You want not only to receive, but also to give love - you have the resource to hug another, even if he is not ready to hug you. From the state of a victim and consumer, you move into the state of a creator, a friend.
- You can be happy for other people in romantic relationships, watch melodramas without hysterical tears. You have no envy or oppressive sadness about other people's successes on the love front.
- You have your own circle of friends, your own hobbies, which will not disappear anywhere if you start a relationship. Your life is not focused on finding the person on whom the whole world will converge like a wedge.
- You want to go on dates again and get to know someone. Not to get revenge or hide your pain, but to get to know a new person, be charming and have a good time.
- You have learned to set boundaries and can say “no” to what you don’t want to tolerate in a new relationship.
- You have the ability to make compromises within designated boundaries; you can accept both your own shortcomings and the shortcomings of other people.
Dangers on the path to building a new relationship after divorce
If you're starting to date and date after a breakup, consider a few factors that may complicate your new relationship.
First, do not under any circumstances compare your new lovers with your ex-spouse with whom you lived for many years. Every person is unique! You should not remember the past, even positive ones, when you are next to a new partner - he has nothing to do with this. Focus on his individual strengths and weaknesses without drawing parallels. Stop any attempts by a new man to compare you with your ex, this is not only traumatic, but also completely pointless - you are a completely different person.
The second danger is prolonging the period of loneliness. After a divorce, many women are completely immersed in caring for children and endless soul-searching, and get used to being alone. Self-doubt grows, communication skills with men, the ability to charm, please yourself and others, flirt, and accept compliments are lost. Don't miss this moment when the idea of closing into your own shell becomes more attractive to you than a new healthy relationship.
The third mistake is to hide children and other important life circumstances from new lovers. Be honest and open - everyone deserves to know the truth. Don’t deliberately deceive yourself - if you see warning signs in your new partner (dependence, double life), it’s better to deal with it right away.
Seek advice from those who are indifferent or dislike you. By pouring out your feelings after a breakup, asking for advice about a new relationship from toxic people who don’t truly love you, you risk making a mistake. A jealous friend, an angry sister, an indifferent mother can break your heart. Decide for yourself whether or not to have a new relationship with a specific man right now - this is your life.
A few more important thoughts
Be positive. Search, read, watch real stories with a positive ending. Don't associate with those who are just as wounded as you and don't want to change their thinking.
Think of your last marriage as a trial marriage - a rehearsal during which you made mistakes, learned, and now have made important conclusions for writing the final draft. Take your share of responsibility for what happened in previous relationships - both are always to blame for what happened.
If you have children with your previous partner, try to make the situation as traumatic as possible for them. If the child does not see hostility between father and mother and maintains a good relationship with both sides, it will be easier for him to accept the new person with whom you want to connect your life.
Remember that you are not the only person who has experienced the pain of a breakup . Millions of people around the world find themselves in such situations and continue to live. All goes to good.
Signs of substitution
Sometimes a person himself does not realize that he needs a new relationship or this is a “substitute” option. There are a number of obvious markers:
If they are not interested in the new partner as a person, their feelings are not taken into account. And they are used only for comfort and sex. They constantly talk about their ex-passion. On the contrary, they do not want to say or discuss anything categorically. They flaunt new relationships, for example, on social networks. Frequent mood swings and negative emotions that deliberately spill out on those who are nearby, although they are directed at the source of suffering.
The best option would be to honestly admit to the new gentleman about the recent breakup and your pain, and offer friendship. Don’t be afraid that you will be alone, that you will miss out on “true” love. If this is “your” person, he will help, support and wait until the emotional whirlwind subsides.
How do men feel?
Despite external restraint, men experience pain from the breakdown of relationships no less than women. The severity of men's emotions sometimes goes off scale, but often it is almost impossible to guess about it.
In this case, a feeling of self-hatred, loss of the meaning of life and value guidelines can become dominant.
After a difficult breakup, a man can go all out and give vent to the rage that overwhelms him. He begins to abuse alcohol, have promiscuous sex, exercise to the point of complete exhaustion, and drive a car at high speed.
Unfortunately, these actions only dull the pain for a while. We have to wait until awareness and acceptance of the situation comes.
Men's feelings during a breakup
How does a man feel when he breaks up? When a woman ends a relationship with her loved one, she begins to feel sorry for herself and become despondent from grief. The colorful world becomes gray, with the joys missing from it. The situation gets worse when the girl becomes depressed due to her worries. Day after day, hysterics, accompanied by an abundance of tears, going through the best moments from the time spent together with the guy. The girls believe that the most difficult period of life has come, from which it is impossible to get out.
