Female infidelity is a big stress for both spouses. The relationship between a man and a woman goes through a large number of tests over time, after which they either become even stronger or are destroyed forever. One of these tests may be infidelity on the part of one of the spouses. In this article, we will look at the main reasons for a wife’s infidelity, how to forgive a wife’s infidelity and how this will affect a man.
We tell you why female infidelity happens
Why does my wife cheat?
As you know, representatives of the fairer sex are on average more emotional than men. According to most women, the main reason for cheating is the lack of attention from the spouse and lack of understanding. All this leads to moral rejection of the partner, and the woman seeks attention and satisfaction on the side. For example, the cause may be male alcoholism, due to which a man pays little attention to his significant other.
It is very important to distinguish moral betrayal from physical betrayal. When the cause is dissatisfaction in bed. For a wise man, coping with such a problem is many times easier and accepting such betrayal is much easier.
Also, betrayal can be forced. This situation can happen to a boss: when, under the threat of dismissal, a woman is forced to satisfy his wishes. Or the boss pays the woman extra for sexual pleasures, while the wife is not satisfied with her husband’s salary and thus tries to solve the family’s financial problems. Whether it is worth forgiving a girl’s betrayal in this situation is a moot point.
Why can a wife cheat?
Why you can’t forgive a woman’s infidelity
Should you forgive your wife's infidelity? Many people say that any betrayal can be forgiven if you love a woman. However, as practice shows, this is not entirely true. In what cases can a woman’s infidelity not be forgiven? For some men, a relationship with a cheater is impossible on principle, even if the woman cheated in the name of the family. It is also unclear to many how to forgive their wife’s betrayal and move on with their lives. Rather, it depends on the man himself, because often after this a person loses trust in his partner, which is very difficult to regain. Each time the husband will imagine someone else next to his wife and compare himself with his competitor. This may be the reason for not forgiving a woman’s infidelity. The main question is, is it even possible to forgive a wife’s betrayal?
Husbands and wives may have different perceptions of infidelity. If the wife does not admit her guilt and does not repent for her actions, then it is very likely that the spouses have different views on family life. And here the question is whether the spouses are ready to put up with each other’s different views on life.
Why can you forgive your wife's betrayal?
As you know, relationships are a lot of work for both. And the question often arises: is it possible to forgive a wife’s betrayal? If a man loves his other half very much and is not ready to give up the relationship because of fleeting attractions or, moreover, allow it to destroy the family, he can forgive the betrayal. How to forgive your wife's betrayal in this case? The answer is simple - you should treat your loved one with understanding.
Moreover, adultery can become the very test that will strengthen the relationship between a man and a woman and force spouses to pay more attention to each other.
How does a wife's betrayal affect a man?
What does forgiveness mean?
How often do you get offended by someone? Resentment is an everyday companion for almost every person. But it should be noted that while you are offended, you are making a mistake because you are wasting time on something that does not deserve your attention.
People deserve forgiveness, firstly, because they are imperfect. You are an imperfect person and other people are imperfect beings. Every person can make mistakes, stupidity, and rash actions. But this is an indicator of human imperfection. Do you consider yourself an ideal person? If not, then recognize the same imperfection in other people. Forgive them for not being ideal, because ideal is something that cannot be achieved. Why? Because each person has his own criteria for ideality, and it is simply impossible to be ideal for absolutely all people.
People are worthy of forgiveness because they should not live up to your expectations and fulfill your desires. Do you want to indulge someone's whims, fulfill someone's desires and be what they want you to be? Then why do you demand this from other people? Those around you can be what they already are, just as you can be what you are now. And no one is obliged to meet other people's expectations. This means that it is stupid to be offended, since offense is an indicator that someone did not want to meet your expectations or fulfill your desires.
Imperfect people deserve forgiveness. Would you like to be forgiven for what you did? Those around you want the same thing. Every person wants to be forgiven, because all people make mistakes due to their emotionality, ignorance, fears and complexes. And if you are ready to forgive other people for how imperfect they are according to your expectations, then you deserve to be forgiven for being imperfect, according to other people’s expectations.
How do you know that you have forgiven your wife? You stopped remembering the past every day, and if you suddenly remembered, then you don’t have any resentment, hatred or other worries inside you.
What do men think about?
Female infidelity is a betrayal, a strong blow to a man and his pride. The news of a girl's infidelity is almost always unexpected and very painful. Is it worth forgiving a girl's betrayal? After all, the man feels that a replacement has been found for him, he has been humiliated and betrayed. At such moments, a man often has thoughts:
- “Is it possible to forgive your wife’s betrayal?”
- “How to forgive your wife’s betrayal and move on?”
- “Why can’t you forgive a woman’s infidelity?”
and many others.
There is only one piece of advice - you should wait until the emotions subside, and then move on to negotiations.
First, you should listen to the man, the woman will understand what her betrayal means to her husband and then it will become clear whether there is any hope of saving the relationship or not. If the husband has forgiven his wife for his betrayal, the latter needs to make a lot of effort to regain trust.
What is the difference between male and female infidelity
Possible mistakes in behavior when forgiving a wife for cheating
If you have already decided to save your family, then you should follow this decision. However, some husbands make certain mistakes after their wife begs for forgiveness:
- They behave disrespectfully. We are talking about washing the “bones” of an unfaithful spouse in the company of friends. Also, many husbands descend into banal insults and humiliation.
- They constantly remember what they did. The reminder, of course, is negative and emphasizes the meanness of the other half.
- They open their hands. Having lost respect for their once beloved life partner and feeling their own inadequacy, men do not hesitate to use physical force against a woman for any reason.
- Retaliatory infidelity. “You can do it, but why am I worse?” - this question haunts many devoted husbands. As a result, even after the decision has been made to save the marriage and the woman has sworn to never commit such an act, the man himself, in revenge, starts an affair on the side. This helps to restore trampled pride.
READ
Why do people get divorced in modern families?
If betrayal is forgiven, you shouldn’t constantly remember it
The difference between male and female infidelity
Many psychologists say that the motivations for cheating in men and women are often very different. Is it possible to forgive a girl's betrayal? Probably depending on the circumstances. Thus, men cheat more often out of physiological desire than from having loving feelings for a girl; they lack sexual satisfaction at home and therefore decide to fill the need on the side.
However, social factors may also play a role here. Namely, a man’s status in society is often determined by the presence of an expensive car, apartment, etc. Among this list, a man may also have a mistress. In this case, a woman should simply either come to terms with this or end such a relationship, because you cannot change a person by force without his desire to change himself.
Husband found out about his wife's cheating
Rada Tselkovskaya
Cheating on your wife is a shock for any man. This may be one of the most difficult things you will ever face in your life. From this article you will learn not only how to survive your wife’s betrayal, but also how to maintain your masculinity, pride and self-esteem.
Cheating on your wife is something you couldn’t imagine even in your worst nightmare. The improbability of this happening right under your nose makes you feel deceived, stupid, naive and betrayed.
And you probably had moments when you wanted to hide from everyone, curl up and stay in bed all day, feeling sorry for yourself.
But you are reading this article, which means that there is another part of you that does not allow you to become limp, and that is admirable and worthy of respect.
So, what should you do to not only survive your wife’s betrayal, but also survive it while maintaining your self-respect?
4 Key Ideas for Surviving Your Wife's Cheating
1. An adequate reaction, not an instinctive one.
When your wife's infidelity is discovered, it's like quicksand, it's like you're being pulled deeper and deeper. A person has two instinctive reactions that can lead to his death:
1. The person begins to panic 2. Frantically tries with all his might to get out
To survive in quicksand, you need to do what goes against your instincts, which is to relax and allow your body to float to the surface.
When a man discovers his wife's infidelity, it causes an avalanche of emotional pain. There is so much of it that the first instinctive reaction is to do everything to make this horror end quickly.
Most often the following happens:
— Suppression of pain (I’m strong, I can handle it myself, I won’t show anyone how bad I feel, etc. But pain is like a vampire, if you “bury” it, it comes out when you least expect it, but is already stronger)
— Pain relief (alcohol, drugs and other methods of non-ecological first aid)
— Transferring pain to a wife or someone else (insults, scandals, filing for divorce, clarification of relations with a third party, etc.)
These are all instinctive reactions, and I am not saying that following instincts is wrong. I want to convey that they can do you more harm than good, both in the short and long term.
You need to learn to manage your pain. And for this, first of all, it is necessary to overcome the instinctive reactions caused by his wife’s betrayal.
2. Surviving your wife’s infidelity is a matter of strategy.
Imagine, something is broken in your car, you give it to a specialist, he identifies the problem, says where, what, when and why it occurred. But if he doesn't have the right tools and the right skills, he won't fix the car.
The same thing happens in a situation of surviving after betrayal. You need tools and a strategy, and not just any strategy, but the right one for this particular situation.
The following 2 strategies will help you begin the healing process.
Healing Strategy 1: Use a Growth Mindset.
Stanford University psychology professor Carol Dweck has found that people exhibit two attitudes toward their own capabilities, including life's challenges, namely a "growth mindset" and a "fixed mindset."
The voice of the fixed mindset says, “Are you sure you can overcome this? Do you have enough strength, abilities, talent?” The growth mindset responds, “I’m not sure I can handle this right now, but I think I can handle it over time with the necessary effort.”
Fixed mindset: “What if you fail? You will become a loser!” And growth mindset to him: “All successful people have failed, and more than one. However, this did not make them failures.”
I highly recommend Carol Dweck's book Mindset. New Psychology of Success” to understand the features of this type of thinking and give yourself a powerful mindset for victory.
Healing Strategy 2: Put Your Pain on Paper
To avoid giving in to instinctive reactions (suppression, avoidance, transferring pain to others), use a great method that will help relieve your head and soul. Starting from this day, start writing a diary. Even 10 minutes a day will give a good effect.
3. Feed the “peaceful wolf”
An incredible injustice occurred against the Indian tribe. The old leader tells his grandson what is going on in his soul. A fierce battle between two wolves, one of which was full of hatred, anger, resentment, and the other of compassion, faith, peace and hope. The grandson asked: “Which wolf will win?” The old Indian replied: “The one I feed.”
You probably also noticed that there are two parts inside you, one is full of righteous anger that you are taken for a fool, resentment for being deceived, a desire for revenge and punishment. This is an “evil wolf” who is ready to tear everyone and everything apart.
The second wolf is very different. This is a “peaceful wolf”, although he is offended, he has no hatred, although he feels unhappy, he does not despair. He perfectly sees injustice, but does not take revenge, but looks for a way out of the situation.
Which wolf will I feed?
This question needs to be answered because it will determine the time it will take to heal and what you will be like when this nightmare is over.
If you feed the “evil” one, you will go the long way of pain and suffering, feed the “peaceful” one, and you will find yourself on the shortest path to healing. It will not be possible to feed two people at once, either one or the other.
What does it mean to “feed the peaceful”?
This means that you listen to him and follow his advice, while ignoring the voice of the “evil” one, although it can be very loud and drown out the quiet and soft voice of the “peaceful” one, so you need to make a conscious effort.
4. From “victim mode” to “survival mode”
When a person faces obstacles of any kind, his psyche is in one of the modes: victim mode or survival mode. After a deception of such magnitude as infidelity, most men find themselves in victim mode, and in the first days after discovery, almost all of them.
But the problem is not this, but the inability to get out of this mode. This can cause a temporary feeling of being a victim to turn into a belief that you are a victim. There is a difference between what we “feel” and what actually is. It is necessary to “switch gears” to survival mode as quickly as possible.
The table shows the difference between these modes.
| VICTIM MINDSET | SURVIVOR'S MINDSET |
| "WHY ME?!" There is a deep-seated belief that a person is protected from suffering, pain, disappointment and injustice. This is very childish and has nothing to do with reality. You'll know you've switched into victim mode when you notice thoughts like, “This can't be happening! With anyone, but not with me! Rather, I could have done this, but not with me!” | "WHY NOT ME?" There is an awareness that yes, life is unfair. And even people who love sometimes hurt each other. Accepting the reality of life is a mature attitude. Thoughts that this happened to others, you are not the first and not the last good person to be betrayed. This has happened to others who did not deserve such deception, but this does not make you a victim. This suggests that you are just a person, and suffering is part of the life of any person. |
| WIFE'S MISTAKE - A CALL FOR PUNISHMENT The only correct response to a mistake is to punish. The victim tends to take a punitive approach to the mistakes of others. You will know that you are in victim mode when you: think about revenge, use anger, aggression, insults, criticism. | WIFE'S MISTAKE - A CALL FOR CORRECTION Although punishment can bring a temporary feeling of satisfaction, there is an understanding that punishment does not lead to correction. Correction in real changes of the one who stumbled. And you are more concerned than the desire to correct your mistakes may be caused by your wife’s internal motivation due to sincere repentance or due to fear of being punished. |
| TO FORGIVE YOUR WIFE FOR CHEATING IS TO SHOW WEAKNESS The punitive approach does not involve forgiving the betrayal. Therefore, at every opportunity, you remind yourself and your wife of what happened. | FORGIVING BETRAYAL IS A SIGN OF STRENGTH Forgiving betrayal is not a favor or an excuse for an act. This is what allows you to free yourself from hateful thoughts. Keeping resentment, hatred, anger in your soul is like storing toxic waste in your body. You view forgiveness as a refusal to “live in a mental hospital” for a crime that you did not commit. And in order to get rid of obsessive thoughts you need remarkable fortitude. Therefore, forgiveness is a strength, not a weakness. |
| I’M HURTING, I’M HELPLESS Thoughts “I’m hurting, I’m feeling bad, I can’t do anything, I’m helpless.” There is a part of you that is that “depressed dude” who has closed himself off and is waiting for his wife to do something and save him. Thoughts flash through your mind that there is nothing you can do to get yourself out, or that it is her responsibility to help you. | I SUCK BUT I'M NOT HELPLESS You know you don't need much permission or "cooperation from your wife" to start pulling yourself out. You intentionally do things that make you feel better. You see yourself as a leader who can save yourself, and you act from that position. |
How to survive your wife's betrayal? The first step is to realize that being betrayed and being helpless are two different things. You may be in pain, but you are not helpless!
So:
- act adequately, not instinctively - use the right strategies - “feed” the peaceful wolf - experience the pain with self-esteem (you are not a victim, you are a witness) - believe in yourself!
And remind yourself that all these years, you have tried to be the best husband you could be, and no one or nothing can change that fact.
What to do if your husband finds out about cheating
If the fact of betrayal is already known, making excuses and saying: “I didn’t want to” is not the best idea. The fact of betrayal is there and it is undeniable. Questions hover in a man’s head: “Is it worth forgiving betrayal?” “How to forgive betrayal and move on?”, and “How to forgive your wife’s betrayal and save your family?”
Try to put yourself in his place. Imagine that your husband cheated on you. Think about how you would feel at this moment? In my practice, there were several cases when a man cheated in response, so that his wife would feel the same.
As was written earlier, you should wait until the first emotional outburst has passed, and then calmly discuss this with your spouse. Should a man forgive a girl’s betrayal? This is a question for a man. It is important for a woman to understand for herself the reason for her betrayal and whether she wants to live with an unloved person. If the reason is a fleeting attraction and a woman, despite this, loves and appreciates her husband very much, she should treat him with understanding and put herself in her husband’s place. Explain to him the reason for her betrayal and admit her guilt.
If a man has forgiven his wife for his betrayal, then she will have to win the trust of her beloved again. This is a long journey that spouses overcome together.
Finding the cause: how and why this could happen
If I were cheated on, the first thing I would think about is why I became the one who was cheated on. And this is an important question for all men - what prompted this woman, whom I was dating, to cheat. It’s not just betrayal, it’s an attempt to do something bad to the man with whom this woman is dating.
Maybe it's revenge, maybe it's something else. I would look at what it is about this woman that prompted her to cheat in the first place. Why did this turn out to be normal for her? What was the situation between us? These are the issues I would tackle first.
How to forgive your wife for cheating - Advice from a psychologist
The path to reconciliation after betrayal, as in many other family quarrels, lies through the ability to talk and hear your interlocutor. Therefore, it is very important to respect your other half, not interrupt, and begin negotiations only after the first emotions have cooled down.
Very often, in order to establish a dialogue between a couple, a psychologist is needed. After all, no matter how terrible it is, for many couples it is very difficult to discuss their problems constructively. In this case, the help of a psychologist is needed so that everyone can speak out without interrupting their partner.
And then there is a discussion: identifying the reasons for the betrayal and finding compromises. Should you forgive your wife's infidelity? The advice of a psychologist in this case may be unnecessary. Since the reason for betrayal can be quite deep, even after a serious conversation, the couple’s family life will change significantly. Both must be prepared for this. How to forgive betrayal? The difficulty lies in restoring trust in a partner; action is required on both sides. For example, spouses agree to pay more attention to each other or make attempts to diversify their family and sexual life: to bring into them the former romance and passion.
How to forgive your wife for cheating - advice from a psychologist
Not all women cheat: chances for forgiveness
Studying the psychology of relationships, I came to one conclusion. Not all women cheat; there are certain prerequisites for this. Communicating with the female sex, also in personal consultations, where there were betrayals, where women admitted it, told me about it, I asked - why is this?
And they usually answered me that those women who cheated, they were sure that the man would be able to forgive it, accept her like this with betrayal - in case she suddenly did not succeed in a new relationship, or there was a need to preserve this family.
And then I realized that those women who value the relationship itself, value a man, respect him - they will never cheat. If a woman is sure that this relationship will end immediately after cheating, then she will also have much less motivation to cheat.
Why is betrayal forgiven?
There are many reasons why many couples, even after cheating, still keep their family together. The main reason is love for your soulmate. Many forgive betrayal because they are not ready to lose a loved one because of fleeting hobbies. Most men are puzzled by how to forgive their wife’s infidelity and save their family. The answer lies in mutual understanding and restoration of mutual trust.
However, whether to forgive his wife’s infidelity is the choice of every man. And the woman in this case must accept any decision of her husband.
Why men forgive infidelity
Why are women more likely to forgive infidelity than men?
Cheating on a spouse is a painful phenomenon for both men and women. However, as practice shows, society treats male and female infidelity differently.
Public opinion says that a woman who has forgiven betrayal is wise and managed to save her family, and a man who has forgiven betrayal is henpecked and a cuckold.
However, it is worth understanding that such social attitudes are a relic of the past and the main thing that should worry a man is his attitude towards his woman. Is it worth forgiving your wife’s infidelity because of this? The advice of a psychologist suggests that public opinion is the last thing you should pay attention to.
How to understand and forgive betrayal
If you want to let go on all four sides
You need to get a divorce beautifully. You should not hold anger and hatred towards your spouse, who is about to become an ex. Find a bit of nobility and condescension in yourself, even if very soon the stamp in your passport will scream about your freedom.
How to forget your wife’s infidelity during a divorce:
- Understand the absurdity of your emotions. If you are determined to file for divorce, then there is simply no point in not forgiving your spouse. Why extra resentment in your soul when very soon both of you will not be bound by marriage?
- Rest. When a stressful situation has literally just happened, it is difficult to act rationally. But, if you have been nervous for a long time and accumulate evil within yourself, then you are harming yourself. Don't live in the past, try to switch to your favorite activities and relax. The nervous system will calm down, and it will become much easier to forgive your wife.
- Wish your wife happiness. By spewing curses towards your unfaithful spouse, you gain absolutely nothing, but only escalate the situation. Tell your wife that you are grateful for the pleasant moments of your life together, but now your paths have diverged, and you wish her to find personal happiness with someone else. This way you will interrupt the series of conflicts, put a logical point and get out of the situation with dignity, like a real man.
Everything has already happened, the decision has been made, and it’s stupid to hold a grudge against your ex-wife. You will still meet a woman who will be faithful, so do not waste time on negative experiences and dream of a bright future.
Emotional insufficiency: one of the main reasons
In my circle, there are wives who cheat on their husbands. At the same time, there are children and visually (in photographs on Instagram) this is a happy family, but there are betrayals. I communicate with these girls and women, I asked - well, why are you cheating?
Basically, it's emotions. They like that there is a permanent man, they also have sex with their husband, and they have sex on the side. These are the strongest emotions on which they depend, and without them life is already boring and uninteresting. And if we talk about forgiveness of betrayal, then there is such a fact - again, I claim based on my work with such situations and on the stories of different people.
Treason due to stupidity or deception
Sometimes women cheat out of stupidity; this does not always happen after the woman has already decided to leave the relationship. And she committed adultery in search of a new man, with whom this new relationship would be. Because cheating in itself does not lead to a new relationship at all, and it can just be sex.
The man will promise everything that he will be with her, that he will take her with the children, get sex and disappear. This happens very often. Cheating also sometimes happens for the sake of emotions.
Cheating after forgiveness: lack of punishment and conditions
Those men who accepted a woman after cheating on them were cheated on again. In most cases, this is due to the fact that the very acceptance of a woman occurs without strict conditions. Let’s take the position of a strong man, and let’s assume that he decided to return the woman (for some of his personal reasons) after betrayal in order to continue the relationship with her for the sake of, for example, preserving the family, maybe for the sake of the children.
This is not very cool, yes, but let’s say such a scenario. In this case, it is very important for the man to set his most severe conditions, and “with three skins” to ask this woman for treason. And only then can you accept it.
Is it necessary to accept a woman for the sake of a previous relationship?
But not every man is capable of this, because the woman still remains so wonderful, idealized even after betrayal. Unfortunately for most men. Strict conditions are very important, but here a woman may not agree to them, but a man does not need such a thing.
Men, have value, there is no need to try to accept a woman for the sake of maintaining a relationship, especially for the sake of children. Children should live in a normal, full-fledged, happy family, where there is no betrayal. So that for them this does not become an example to follow, so that for them it does not become some kind of norm, that people cheat on each other and then live together.
