I have suspicions that my wife is cheating on me - what should I do first?
First, take a breath and collect your thoughts: according to statistics, only 18% of suspicions about cheating turn out to be true. There are no ideal families, everyone has quarrels, misunderstandings arise, sometimes a woman completely withdraws or withdraws into herself, refuses intimacy due to resentment or fatigue, but still continues to love only you and no one else.
Therefore, keep a list of what you EXACTLY shouldn’t do out of emotion:
- Try not to growl at your wife, behave as usual and don’t think about the worst case scenario for now, it still needs to be tested, and you can’t return a broken relationship.
- There is definitely no need to bombard a woman with jealous questions like “why were you late?”, “where were you?”, “who were you with?” and so on. Even if your loved one is cheating, she won’t tell you about it, and if it’s fiction, then relationships in the family will only heat up and become tense.
- With a 100% guarantee, you do not need to follow your wife on your heels every time she goes somewhere without you. It’s better to just file for divorce if everything is so terrible and find someone you can definitely trust.
And now is the time to raise a list of specific signs of your spouse’s infidelity, which you can definitely focus on. Analyze the relationship and answer “Yes, this is about my wife,” or “No, this does not happen in our family” to each item on the list of signs of infidelity. The more points that match your situation, the more likely it is that your wife is cheating on you with another man.
You may be interested in: “Jealousy in relationships and how to deal with it”
Is female infidelity common?
Research shows that wives are more likely to cheat on their partners than unmarried women. The highest risk factors for wife cheating are:
- Feels underappreciated by the partner in the relationship.
- Unhappy with quality time spent with your partner.
So how can you test your wife for infidelity and gather evidence before charging her with breaking your marriage vows?
How to recognize your wife's infidelity: signs of betrayal that you should pay attention to
The first sign of infidelity is almost always an upbeat and good mood in the spouse, which does not coincide with the negative reality within the family, if this is not typical for her standard behavior. If a woman is having fun and enjoying life, while the relationship is falling apart at the seams, it means she doesn’t care about your feelings, and this is a reason to think about it and, at a minimum, calmly talk about it.
Hickeys and marks on the skin in inaccessible places are another sign that can tell you that your wife is not pure at heart. A lover may specifically “brand” his neck or other secluded places, but the woman may simply not notice it. This is a very serious sign of interference by another person in your wife's personal space, which is important to calmly discuss. What if someone forcibly accosted your loved one on the subway or in an alley after work, but she was afraid to tell you about it?
The third sign of betrayal is too frequent delays at work without good reason. If a woman has not been promoted, if everything is as usual in the personnel or with shifts at work and there is no workload, but for some reason the spouse began to linger very late after work and is in no hurry to go home, then there is a good reason to think about an office romance. Or maybe she felt uncomfortable in your presence? Talk about it.
A girlfriend you've never seen is the fourth sign of cheating. If your wife too often goes to spend the night with a friend, spends the evenings with a stranger over wine, but when asked to introduce you to her friend, she gives a strict refusal, then something is wrong here. But remember that the girlfriend may be real and this sign indicates infidelity only if you have noticed other signs of betrayal.
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They say that if a husband cheats, the wife is the last to know about it.
A husband in a similar situation will often never know. After all, men are generally less attentive to nuances.
Admit it, you yourself would pay attention to such little things as:
Unexpected change of interests . Your wife has always been indifferent to football (philately, breeding crocodiles at home), but now she has become an expert in this field. In addition, she began to talk about philosophy and quote Schopenhauer every now and then, although before that she only recognized “Mumu” and novels from the “Cupid” series.
Change of tastes. In the third year of marriage, she suddenly discovered that the SAAB is more comfortable than your Moskvich, and that suspenders have long gone out of fashion. Note: just a month ago she thought that Saabs were a breed of guard dogs, and she just gave you braces for your birthday.
Changing the image . She suddenly cut her hair, dyed her hair brunette, went on a diet, became interested in aerobics, lost two sizes and, under this pretext, spent all the family savings on updating her wardrobe.
Unusual animation and stable good mood . Why is she so happy if you’ve been saving half your salary for two months and still haven’t fixed the washing machine? How can you wash your clothes by hand for six months and sing at the same time?! Sudden attacks of loving you and caring for you . They are not motivated by anything and are clearly not deserved by you (remember about half the salary and the washing machine).
Maybe you noticed all this and... were happy? Finally, you can watch football without interference, finally no one nags. Finally, you were appreciated, finally she lost weight and became prettier - for your sake, of course...
Oh well! Certainly!
The main thing is to explain everything correctly to yourself.
If you succeed, it’s for the best. "Blessed is he who believes." Besides, there really is no reason to panic. Firstly, there is one chance in a thousand that this is all really for your sake. Secondly, all of the listed symptoms are not yet a sign of betrayal. This is only “readiness number one” - falling in love. And if you don't really rely on one chance in a thousand, you can even figure out who it is. Remember, doesn’t someone’s name pop up every now and then in her stories? A certain classmate Petya or colleague Vasya? “Petya thinks this,” “Petya bought a car” (isn’t it SSAB?), “Everyone was there except Petya. He has a sore throat." It is likely that later this name will suddenly disappear from use or will be mentioned with deliberate indifference or even disapproval. What marks the transition from intentions to action ….
And then there are other symptoms:
Late arrivals home and vague explanations, irritation in response to the most innocent questions . For example, “Sorry I was late, I was shopping.” - “What were you looking for?” - “You are always interrogating me!!!” Sometimes, however, the explanations are not vague, but very clear and thoughtful and reminiscent of scenes from high school, when an excellent student retells “Wonderful Dnieper in calm weather,” which she has memorized.
Frequent mood and appetite changes . (She also sometimes quarrels with him - not everything is with you and with you. The main thing here is not to interfere, it will be worse).
Increased interest in phone calls (“Did no one call me?”). If the phone is portable, it constantly travels around the apartment in the pocket of her robe (“It’s probably Masha, I’ll come up myself”). Conversations with Masha (in your presence) are strange, more and more “Yes” or “no”, “Uh-huh”, “I’ll tell you later”, but not a word about lipstick, a new skirt or a cellulite remedy. In general, the phone began to act up: when you approach, they always end up in the wrong place. Or beeps. Or silence.
The passion for updating your wardrobe takes on a purely intimate tone . The main object of attention is underwear. The house is filled with lace panties, tank tops, and stockings that you previously only saw in films like “Deep Throat.” Moreover, tender, aspirated questions, like “Darling, do you like me in this lace bodysuit?” you won't wait.
It’s already November, no one has been wearing sandals for a long time, but she still gets a pedicure once a week! And he shaves his legs every day, even when he wears jeans. But last winter I walked like King Kong. Of course, much more can be added to this list, but ten points are quite enough for a diagnosis. Just please don't make sudden movements! So what if all ten coincided? Don't act rashly! You are a smart person, you will probably be able to explain everything correctly to yourself!
What to do if you want to check your suspicions?
Or, if you really don’t have the strength to remain ignorant, you can use simple psychological techniques.
The wife, of course, can tell lies (see Theory of Lies
). But her body will always be sincere. By learning to understand body language, facial expressions, facial expressions, voice intonation, you can always understand the true state of a person, his thoughts, his feelings and emotions. A person’s internal state will always break through, despite his desire to hide something.
Body language and facial expressions quite clearly define the inner world and feelings of each individual. But in order to learn to understand these gestures and expressions, you need to devote quite a lot of time to this. You need to record every little detail in the change in facial expressions.
Every gesture means something, every facial expression (even if it is fleeting and lasts no more than half a second) carries information from the subconscious of the person being studied. In order to learn to “read” the facial expression of your interlocutor, you need to constantly analyze facial expressions. To do this, you can use the basic provisions that determine the human condition. There are about fifty of them. Let's look at the main points that you need to pay attention to (for more details, see Body language: Gestures and facial expressions
):
- The gaze is direct or the person looks at you only briefly. When you are with a person, pay attention to how often he glances at you. Pay attention to the pupils of the interlocutor - the pupils may expand or contract. Does it happen that your interlocutor “hypnotizes” you with his gaze? During direct contact, the direction of the interlocutor’s gaze is important - a sidelong glance or he generally tries not to meet your eyes.
- An important point - pay attention to your opponent’s lips: biting the lower lip, frequent licking of the lips, a crooked smile. A person may examine you on the sly, for some reason not daring to look directly at you.
- Look at the person's chin - it can be pushed forward during a conversation, or it can be retracted. It is also important if the interlocutor rubs his chin.
- A clear marker of feelings is the interlocutor’s ear - he scratches it, twitches it, rubs the lobe with his fingers. Particular attention should also be paid to the nose - wrinkled if you often scratch your nose.
Pay attention to all these points. Please note, even if you have not purposefully studied a person’s behavior, reactions and facial expressions, you still at least partially understand all these hidden beacons. After all, you also use them subconsciously. And if you specifically pay attention and try to analyze these movements, you will learn to look into the very soul of the person talking to you.
And a few more tips:
Try to catch your wife off guard with a question and see if she responds quickly. Longer “ response ” time means more likely to lie. And it can be considered a sure sign of a wife’s betrayal if, in response to this “simple” question, she suddenly starts yelling, screaming, hysterical, accusing her husband of all mortal sins - it means she feels guilty and is trying to shift it from a sore head to a healthy one .
Raise the stakes. Add more emotions. If you say that you won't forgive her if she gets caught in a lie, then the wife will most likely want to give up - a great risk.
Ask a question that requires a yes or no , and repeat until you get an answer. Liars most often do not answer “yes” or “no.” Instead, they seek to hedge their bets by giving vague answers. As a psychological test for the presence of your wife’s infidelity, just ask her a question directly (you will be surprised, but an honest and direct, unexpected attack is often much more effective than roundabout, crooked paths and conversations around the bush), whether she cheated on you.
Pay attention to gestures (or lack thereof) . The thought process required to “come up” with a lie requires energy to be “drawn” from the body. Therefore, contrary to the widespread stereotype, liars gesture less - they save strength and energy.
As for body language, there are rules (see Body language: Facial expressions, gaze, posture and gestures
). So, if a person touches his face with his hands (covers his mouth, scratches his nose), these are signs of subconscious attempts to close himself off, to put a barrier between himself and the interlocutor. If he shifts and shifts from one foot to another, this is a sure sign of a desire to leave, to move away so as not to give something away. You should pay attention to his backward movements when you ask. His head will suddenly move down or back - this is also often an attempt to close himself off.
But still, it should be remembered that a person is an extremely complex mechanism, and for some the above may be fair, for others it may be wrong. As a rule, you can determine whether a wife is lying or not only after you have observed her in her comfortable environment.
PS. It is believed that for a man, a husband, unlike a woman, it is much more difficult from a psychological point of view to come to terms with the idea that he was cheated on, that another male was preferred to him, that he was no longer loved, he and his love, his warmest and brightest feelings were betrayed and cruelly reduced to the very the bottom of marital humiliation.
Therefore, the answer to the question “Did she cheat on me or not?” for most men and part-time husbands, it is a kind of psychological rubicon: after receiving a clear and precise answer, a man stops doubting and tormented - he begins to act: either severely limits his wife in finances, communication with “girlfriends” and friends, or begins to hang around with her everywhere , controlling her every step, or, what happens most often, upon receiving a 100% affirmative “Yes! I cheated!” followed by divorce, division of children and property...
I will immediately disappoint all husbands who feel like unhappy cuckolds, but cannot prove this with the actual base of material evidence, that there are no and cannot be 100% correct and truthful signs of a wife’s infidelity. Each woman is unique, each married couple is unique in its own way, therefore, there are no common signs of proof of a wife’s infidelity for all cases. Based on materials from netizmen.ru, www.womanway.ru
How to recognize your wife's infidelity by looking at your underpants?
Your wife began to buy beautiful underwear too often (new ones almost every week), while your bed adventures with her were either bland or remained boring for both, and you didn’t even really see most of the new things. A reasonable question arises - for whom then does your wife preen herself like that?
Gifts that you will never receive are another signal of possible infidelity. Sometimes women buy brutal trinkets as gifts for the men they love, if you notice these gifts, but never received them, then your wife is giving them to someone else and is probably cheating on you.
Her phone won't stop ringing
At the beginning of a relationship, we seem to become dependent on communication. We get butterflies in our stomachs from new messages, and our hearts flutter with every new meeting. Of course, such feelings motivate you to send hundreds of messages a day.
Incessant notification sounds can indicate that your girlfriend has a lover, especially if this has never happened before. The further development of events depends on what rules reign in your relationship.
Some couples freely use each other’s phones, go to the pages of their loved ones on social networks and can even scroll through correspondence. But there are also relationships in which the personal remains personal.
If you cannot independently verify the “innocence” of constant notifications, and your wife’s phone is protected by a password and fingerprint, we advise you to more closely monitor her behavior and reaction to questions about these messages.
How to determine your wife's infidelity based on behavior?
Total avoidance of physical contact is not normal; most likely, the spouse has taken a lover. Aggressive phrases of affection or tenderness on your part can be a particularly alarming sign:
- Well, find yourself a lover
- I need to understand myself
- I'm uncomfortable, find someone else, I'm not against your meetings
When a woman is happy that you are away from home for a long time and often, praises you for long business trips and gives all sorts of ideas to keep you out of the apartment for as long as possible, it’s worth thinking about your wife’s fidelity. Is she really alone when you close the door behind you?
Also pay attention to intra-family relationships - if your woman has pulled away, if touch has become unpleasant for her, she often looks away, refuses intimacy, simply forgets to cook dinner for you and during a conversation focuses on the shortcomings of communication, there is a high probability that your wife a more interesting companion for a happy life has appeared.
Too many missed calls from the same unknown number almost every day, or at night, while your wife never answers these calls in front of you (or the number is signed with a woman’s name). This could be an annoying person with whom your wife does not want to communicate, or someone who really needs something from the woman (for example, she could borrow money), or it could be a lover who cannot be hidden from your eyes.
Changes in mood
Agree, being in a relationship, you are always aware of the latest events in the life of your other half. You always share your joy and experiences, and therefore recognizing your spouse’s usual mood or behavior is not a problem for you.
But what if more and more often you notice inexplicable joy and liveliness on the part of your beloved girl? Something is happening in her personal life, but she doesn’t say what exactly.
There may be many reasons and explanations, but watch not for their presence, but for the constancy of high spirits.
Meetings with a lover create a real emotional storm, so regular, inexplicable joy is a serious reason to monitor your woman more closely.
What to do if your wife cheats with another man
Psychologists recommend having heart-to-heart conversations as much as possible and not hiding anything from each other, trying to stay positive and constantly working on yourself to save the family. If the person you love is really important to you, talk to her, find out what the problem is, what the woman lacks, because betrayal never appears out of the blue, there is always a reason for betrayal and often more than one. Remember that initially, out of a million other men, your wife chose you.
Perhaps your wife lacks lovemaking, attention, care, or she is tired of the gray everyday life and the same type of emotions, monotony in life. Help her cope with the crisis if you are ready to forgive her for cheating, but file for divorce so that the woman realizes the depth of the offense and feels fear. This is especially true for men after 40 years of age, when building a new family becomes a big problem or if there is a small child in the family.
If you see that a woman has pulled away and nothing will be the same, you should realize and accept this, then file for divorce and forget. It is possible that after years of living together, your spouse could realize that she made a mistake in her choice; it will be almost impossible for you to convince her. A woman who doesn’t care will walk to the left every time, even if she receives punishment for her action, she is not worth your pain.
Now you will better understand how to recognize your wife’s infidelity by signs and signals. Take care of each other.
What to do next
Before you do anything else, you need to decide if you want to save your marriage. Are you ready to leave your wife or is your marriage worth fighting for?
Give yourself time to think. We recommend that you talk to a psychologist who can help you understand your emotions and tell you what steps to take next.
Testing your wife's fidelity
and all the secrets of your soulmate on social networks in the
lovereport.ru
She doesn't spend the night at home
Remember your childhood: even then, spending the night away from home was an unusual adventure, a little adventure. This is because during sleep we are as unprotected as possible, and therefore we try to spend our nights at home - in our comfort zone.
Now you understand that to spend the night away from home, a person must have a compelling reason or strong desire. As a child, we stayed overnight with friends for movie marathons and parties, but in adulthood there is practically no time for this.
To spend the night in another place, and more than once, you need to come up with a really good reason. But no matter what it is, the absence of a woman at home at night is always a cause for concern. Take the time to make sure that she spends the night exactly where she said.
You are no longer her hero
A woman’s beloved man is always a hero and protector. Without this, love and long-term relationships are impossible. The wife admires, and the husband creates reasons for admiration, enjoying the fact that he is appreciated.
It doesn’t matter who is to blame for the fact that a woman no longer considers you a hero. The important thing is that another man could take this role. More responsive, generous, loving, attentive, gentle, strong - like you have never been.
She is too passive in quarrels
In fact, she simply gave up. During quarrels, men and women defend their interests, but this only makes sense if they have a place to realize these interests.
That is why conflict does not mean separation - it is just a way to improve your position in a relationship. By stopping fighting for her position and constantly agreeing to your terms, a girl can give a clear sign that she is no longer interested in your love. Sudden indifference to you is an alarm bell for a love union.
Having acquired a new interesting toy, we forget about the existence of the old one. The same thing happens with relationships. She will simply tolerate your grumbling, and then leave for someone else...
How not to do it
You managed to catch your beloved in the act, you personally saw how your wife cheated, so anger and resentment fill your soul. Another person committed a low act; you should not stoop to his level. Advice from psychologists will help you get out of the situation with dignity.
Suppress emotions
You will set yourself up to believe that nothing happened, pretend that everything is fine in the relationship, but then you will simply fall apart. It is important to understand that you are stressed, and all your negative emotions are natural.
Forget about children
If you decide not to communicate with a woman, then you should not allow your children to suffer. They need attention just as much as ever. They are not to blame for the problems of adults.
Don't humiliate yourself
When a woman does not regret what she did and decides to leave you, do not ask her to come back. Respect yourself and don’t expect another betrayal.
How to behave: advice from psychologists
Men often wonder how they can catch their wife cheating. There are often situations when suspicions are justified. Psychologists will help to cope with the situation, believing that men who think about how they can surely catch their wife “cheating” react too violently when their suspicions are confirmed. At the same time, husbands rarely think about how to cope with the feeling of uselessness, betrayal and despair.
Representatives of the stronger sex suffer from betrayal no less than women, because for them it is a huge blow to their pride and masculine self. If there is love, then surviving betrayal is doubly difficult. Advice from psychologists for men whose wives cheat on them:
- Don't isolate yourself. Try to calm down and find out why your wife is cheating. Find out the main reason for her interest in another man. This will help you understand what to do next.
- Don't get excited. In an emotional outburst, you can commit actions that you will regret. Take a break, and then think about how you should behave in this situation. Imagine life without your loved one. Are you ready for this outcome?
- If you want to preserve love, then imagine that the other man in your relationship is a disease that you can get rid of. You have the power not only to expose your wife, but also to heal her. Give her more attention and warmth, then all the problems will go away and you will become close again.
- Please note that everyone has the right to make mistakes. Remember, perhaps you also have a sin, and your spouse is now simply reflecting your behavior? If this is so, then her action will be a lesson for you. Now you will understand that you should not hurt a loved one for the sake of a moment of weakness.
Of course, the further development of your relationship will largely depend on whether you are ready to forgive your woman or are ready to file for divorce. Also, a significant role is played by how serious the wife’s relationship with her lover is. You won't always be able to influence this.
Men who want to save their family need to refrain from making a quick decision. You need to wait a little before doing anything. You can temporarily separate from your wife, but sometimes meet on neutral territory and have casual communication. There is a chance that feelings will flare up with renewed vigor, after which your family life will become much stronger than before.
Psychology of infidelity
The reasons that can push a woman to cheat are different. It is not always polygamy and dishonesty. Perhaps it's something else. It is important to know that even beautiful, successful and confident men are cheated on. And if everything seems to be going well in your relationship, sooner or later you may encounter infidelity.
READ How to catch your husband cheating in a cunning way: methods of exposure
Let's look at the main factors that push wives into the arms of other men. After reviewing the reasons, you can determine why your spouse does not want to be faithful to you:
- The desire for revenge. A girl can take revenge for the fact that she is not given enough attention, as well as for rude behavior or the lack of admiring glances in her direction. Wives do not always dare to express what is in their souls. It happens that they resort to more radical methods and decide to change.
- Dissatisfaction in intimate life. Women have many needs in the sexual sphere. If the wishes of the spouse are not realized, she can look for ways to correct this. Often the solution is to have an affair on the side. To avoid problems, you need to remember about diversity in sex and take into account the interests of your other half.
- The desire to increase self-esteem. Sometimes cheating is a way for a girl to feel desired and beautiful. Every woman wants to be successful with the opposite sex, but if you do not confirm your feelings with constant compliments and gifts, then sooner or later you may encounter your spouse’s infidelity.
- Ordinary. If the relationship has been going on for a long time, the spouse may simply lose interest. It’s not for nothing that they say that you need to work on them, otherwise there is simply no room left for love and romance in them, and your woman may become interested in someone else.
- Scandals in the family. Conflicts sometimes occur in any family. But if they happen too often, the spouse may get tired of living in constant negativity. In the end, she will simply go where she is more comfortable.
READ What to do to prevent your husband from cheating: psychological techniques and esoteric methods
If you suspect that your wife is cheating, then you should not let the situation take its course. First you need to find out whether your doubts are justified.
