Be honest and straightforward
Honesty is the best solution if you don't want to hurt people unnecessarily. First, you need to be honest with yourself. Everyone deserves a chance, but sometimes we just know things aren't going our way. If you do not feel any attraction, then it is better not to delay in refusing.
Secondly, you need to be honest with him. Don't make things up, be kind and frank. If you are simply not interested in this person, say so. You don't have to explain anything, but if you do have a reason why you can't or don't want to date at this time, state it clearly and concisely.
When it comes to rejection, it is always better to be active rather than passive. Don't waste time by avoiding meetings or hoping your potential partner will take the hint. Deal with it as soon as you get the chance. Give a clear refusal so you can both move on.
Refusing a date is not easy, but it is possible: the main thing is honesty and tact.
Beautiful pictures of love in movies and books always set the mood for romantic relationships, fairy-tale love, and reciprocity. Couples meet at the institute, at work, in a fitness club, in a cafe.
But with the advent of the pandemic, virtual relationships that are developing in social networks and related applications are becoming increasingly popular. The real and virtual worlds connect diverse audiences, different interests and goals. Experience shows that this is not always sympathy for each other, so modern communication is often different from the magic of melodrama about the happiness of romance and love.
Contacts with the opposite sex suggest that one person may not be interested in the other, much less in a romantic relationship. Everyone is pleased when they invite you on a date, show attraction and care. Therefore, it is difficult to refuse a date if the proposal is sudden and the feelings are not mutual.
If you want to be polite and even noble, but you are not happy with the prospect of meeting this or that person asking you out on a date, our advice will definitely come in handy. So, in order not to hurt your dignity, pride and not to make an enemy in the person of your counterpart, we follow the basic rules of etiquette:
Treat others the way you would like to be treated
A straight "no" can sound quite harsh if you don't deliver it tactfully. You have no reason to be offended or disgusted (unless they are truly intentionally aggressive and disgusting). It's flattering to like someone, so be polite and try to show a little appreciation. Remember how much courage it takes to open up to another person.
Finally, don't talk about what happened. If you are in the same company as this person, do not tell anyone about what happened. If you refuse someone, they already feel rejected, there is no need to add embarrassment to this.
He was more than 15 minutes late
Being late is a woman's prerogative. It is men who must languish in anticipation of their beautiful ladies. The guy must arrive on time or even a little earlier. And if he stays for more than 15 minutes without warning, it means he is neglecting you. In principle, if a quarter of an hour has passed since the appointed time, and still no gentleman, you can leave.
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Focus on yourself with “I” statements
If you decide to explain to someone why you are not interested in them, try to focus the argument on yourself, not on the other person. Listing reasons why a potential partner is not worthy of you sounds rude and condescending, and it can hurt your interlocutor's self-esteem. Instead, psychologists advise using “I” statements, for example:
- “I don’t see you that way, I’m sorry.”
- “I really enjoy talking to you, but I don’t feel a connection between us.”
- “I’m focused on myself right now, so I’m not interested in dating anyone.”
- "I think you're great, but I'm looking for something else right now."
This way you don’t put yourself above or belittle your interlocutor, but simply explain your point of view. Think of it as an early dissertation on “It’s not you, it’s me.” Only in this case it doesn’t hurt as much as when breaking up.
Why is it difficult for us to refuse?
Let's figure out why rejections are sometimes so difficult for us. I will list the main reasons and give recommendations on how to deal with them.
- Bad boundaries
Personal boundaries for most people are a vague and uncertain concept. To explain it in simple terms, the boundaries go where a person’s sphere of influence ends. Anything outside of your control is not your territory.
How does this relate to refusals, you ask? I'll explain. You can freely manage your body, your time and attention, so refusing a man you don’t like is entirely within your boundaries. But his reaction to refusal is outside your boundaries - he may be offended, angry and stop communicating with you if you were friends, and you cannot do anything about it.
Many girls are so afraid of being in opposition with someone that they try in every possible way to soften their refusal, which only worsens the situation. The man gets the impression that he is simply being fooled, and he quite naturally begins to get angry.
The good news is that it is through refusals that you can train your boundaries to an ideal state. The next time you have to refuse someone, do it firmly and confidently and allow the person to respond however they want.
Hyperresponsibility is one of the main symptoms of neuroticism. It mainly affects infantile, self-centered individuals. This property manifests itself in the fact that a person takes on too much and ascribes to himself opportunities and abilities that he does not have.
If, during a proposal from someone you don't like, you start to feel guilty, you are prone to hyper-responsibility.
At a key moment, thoughts begin to flash in your head that you somehow looked at the man wrong, did something wrong, and gave him false hope. You start fawning over something, making excuses, obscuring things. It looks, to put it mildly, ugly.
What to do about it? Realize that the other person is the same subject as you, who has his own will and is responsible for his actions. His feelings are not the result of any of your actions, and you should not be held responsible for them. At first it can be difficult to give up the idea that you control the universe, but then life becomes much more pleasant and easier.
- Fear of his reaction
Are there any cowards here, admit it? You should not be ashamed of this feeling, it is responsible for safety and is the basis of the instinct of self-preservation. Women, with rare exceptions, are physically weaker than men, so the fear of possible aggression from a rejected admirer is in some cases completely justified. Learn to recognize these cases and you will no longer have to be afraid.
If a man himself is hot and impulsive, you should be careful with him. Do not refuse him in a rude and humiliating manner. Try not to be alone with such a person, especially if you do not intend to enter into any relationship with him. The same recommendations apply to tipsy young people.
Many women are afraid that a man will not survive their refusal - he will drink himself in grief or commit suicide. Such fears are definitely unfounded. If you catch yourself thinking such thoughts, urgently turn on self-irony and stop considering yourself a fairy-tale princess.
Show that your answer is final
When you reject someone, do it kindly but firmly, so that your interlocutor understands that the answer is final. Don't keep people on the hook. You may think it's nice that you suggest "staying friends" or "getting to know each other better first," but this will only give hope to your interlocutor and will backfire on you.
After a refusal, even a friendly call or message on a social network can convince you that all is not lost and it’s worth trying further. So don't give hope to a person if there is none. Offer to remain friends only if you have firm confidence that your interlocutor will be able to withstand the relationship in this way. Otherwise, he may think that your “no” means “not now” or “I need to be won over first.”
He constantly talked about his ex
It's completely abnormal to start dating a new girl by talking about your past relationship. A first date is a time to get to know each other, not to dwell on the past. If a guy constantly talks about his ex, then most likely he is still thinking about her, and he is just trying to fill the void with you. It's no better if a guy throws mud at his past lover.
For fans of virtual: do not answer or formulate answers briefly
If most of your dating takes place online, then it may be more difficult for you to get rid of an obsessive admirer. Internet users have no idea who you are and tend to meet as many people as possible. Therefore, unless a potential partner wrote something personal based on studying your profile, you can safely ignore him. By even responding to someone you know you don't like, you're again giving false hope and dragging yourself into a conversation that will only waste your time.
If you still want to respond so as not to seem rude, then online dating experts (there are some!) advise wording the phrases as follows:
- “I looked at your profile. I think you're cool, but I don't see us as a couple, so I don't think we should go on a date. I don't want us to waste each other's time."
- “I already kind of had my eye on someone on the site and I don’t think it’s fair to date you while I’m trying to make things work with someone else. I hope you find who you are looking for."
How to maintain friendships and continue communication
Refusal is always accompanied by unpleasant experiences and negative consequences.
Every woman can prevent them by choosing the right strategy of behavior.
Effective advice from psychoanalysts will help maintain friendship and continue communication correctly:
- Support. A close friend who has been rejected is probably depressed. Despite this, it is necessary to constantly encourage the man.
If you specifically look for a meeting, trying to console a friend, he will think that the girl has feelings for him.
It is enough to accept the young man’s communication and continue to maintain friendly ties. Mutual acquaintances. Most cases indicate that after a refusal, a guy and a girl still have mutual acquaintances and friends.
Meet in common companies, have fun, communicate. Then you shouldn’t cross the line and behave as if the refusal was not sincere. Keep your distance. From the moment when the girl beautifully refused the young man, it is worth paying attention to the behavior.
Inform the man that from now on communication will become friendly.
For a young man to be offended, it is enough to completely stop communicating with him. The approach promises trouble, but if it is the only way out, use it.
Adhering to the suggested advice, do not be afraid to refuse men who are not to your liking. Follow a tactful and delicate strategy - then you can forget about emotional worries.
Almost every girl sooner or later has the need to properly break off a relationship with a guy, or refuse to meet a fan, trying not to offend him. This situation can arise either a week after the start of dating or after six months of a relationship.
A well-mannered woman thinks through such moments in advance, because it is not without reason that they say that everything in life comes back: today you stopped answering calls without clarifying the situation, and one day they will do the same to you. In addition, as you know, men take rejection very sensitively, so it is important to choose the right words and the right tone to soften a conversation that is unpleasant for both of you.
Take the initiative if the other person is too persistent
Sometimes you realize that you will refuse a person exactly at the moment when he talks to you. Maybe he behaves too provocatively or seems interested only in getting your phone number (you never know, he suddenly collects them).
In this case, take the initiative into your own hands. If someone persistently asks for your number, respond with something like, “Why don’t you give me your number instead and I’ll call you.” Your interlocutor will feel that he has achieved his goal and will leave you alone.
The habit of saying “yes”: why it’s bad to be trouble-free at work
One of the most common difficulties is having to turn people down. And although situations often arise at work in which, due to your professional responsibilities, you simply cannot say “no,” other circumstances will arise from day to day that provide you with a certain freedom of choice. How to exercise your right to say “no” and correctly formulate a refusal?
Think about it this way: by not saying “no” at the right time, you will put the other person's needs before your own. Is this what you really want? There are many situations at work when your needs are no less important, and in some circumstances even more important than the needs of your colleagues. Remember how often your colleagues refused you. And you calmly and without irritation accepted this answer. So why worry about someone being upset if you behave in the same way?
The real problem is that saying “yes” all the time can easily become a habit, and changing a ingrained behavior pattern is really difficult. Remember your colleagues. Can you guess what to expect from each of them? Probably yes. Similarly, your colleagues, having become accustomed to your dependability, will most likely begin to turn to you with so many requests that you simply cannot fulfill them. Thus, the habit of constantly agreeing to requests at work will lead you to overwhelm, because you take on more than you can do or what you really should do. This leads to stress, frustration, hostility, conflict and mistakes, and it only gets worse over time.
So, the ability to say no when you feel like it is necessary is an important skill to master. You will probably have situations where you want to help someone, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Remember: assertiveness means respecting your needs and rights as much as the rights of others, and agreeing to compromise when necessary.
Many people don’t like to say “no,” believing that the only way to do it is outright refusal. This “no” may seem rude and aggressive. And this is usually not the impression you want to make at work. You strive to establish good relationships with colleagues, but you will inevitably have to refuse someone for your own sake - your health and well-being. This means you must be able to say no, but in a way that shows respect for the other person's needs. There are different ways to refuse, depending on the situation. Here are three main options.
Outright refusal is the most uncompromising method and is rarely suitable for use at work. It is most often resorted to when someone's rights are violated. In such cases, you can loudly and firmly add: “Can’t you hear, I said no.”
A request for additional information or a promise of “some other time” is an opportunity for discussion, while refusal remains an option.
A thoughtful “no” is the most sensitive way because you show that you have listened to the other person.
Below I will explain in detail what each of these options is, but the choice will depend on the situation, your attitude towards it and who is making the request, because this could be your mentor, your direct manager, a colleague or a team member who you really care about. want to help.
Don’t try to radically and suddenly change your behavior. This is especially true for refusals, as you may shock colleagues who were not expecting the leopard to suddenly change its color. It is much better to start small, train hard and change gradually.
