Hatred towards men: the psychology of relationships between men and women

"I hate men!" Unfortunately, such phrases can be heard quite often. And the worst thing is to hear them from young and attractive girls. Often, hatred of men results in very persistent attitudes, which over time turn women into strong and independent women with 5 cats. What is this new trend? Where, in general, can hatred of the opposite sex come from, because a man and a woman are created for each other. What could be the reason for hatred towards men? How to treat it and is it worth doing? These questions will be answered by psychology and a qualified family psychologist - Evgenia Ikonnikova .

Psychological aspect

To some, women’s hatred of men may seem incomprehensible and unnatural. Psychology provides a completely logical explanation for this phenomenon. It has historical and even genetic roots. With the exception of those cultures where matriarchy reigned, women have always been in the shadow of men. Her rights were oppressed in every possible way. Her lot was raising children and running a household. Despite the fact that women have had equal rights with men for quite a long period of time, genetic memory makes itself felt. Just as some men see themselves as in charge, some women see themselves as oppressed. This is the primary reason for hatred and confrontation between the sexes.

How to get rid of hatred towards all humanity?

How to stop hating people around you? This is a question that requires consultation with a psychologist. Hatred of humanity is a very serious disorder; it can be either an independent specific phobia or a symptom accompanying neuroses and other pathologies.

Of course, hatred of people is not always a sign of mental illness. It can appear after severe nervous shocks, be a consequence of stress, or develop due to a series of insults, humiliations, and insults from others.

It is impossible to understand on your own what exactly such hatred is and cope with it. The help of a specialist and sometimes medication is required.

Look for the reason in the father

Women's hatred of men is often formed in childhood. As practice shows, girls who are lucky enough to have a good and caring father easily build relationships with the opposite sex. They have some inner feeling of security. Such women associate a man with love, care, and protection. Moreover, they do not perceive failures and disappointments so painfully, because they are sure that there are worthy men in the world who are like their fathers. “I hate men,” most often say women who have difficult family relationships. Perhaps from childhood they observed scandals, male cruelty, alcohol abuse and other troubles. Negative experiences also shape the father’s departure from the family. It would seem that all this happened in childhood and should not interfere with adult life. But it is at this age that a worldview is formed that determines relationships with others. The woman subconsciously begins to fear a repetition of the scenario.

Someone else's experience

Hatred of men is often biased. Women have a bad habit of trying on other people's experiences. During the gatherings, the “bitter female lot” is discussed in detail. Having heard a lot from friends, colleagues, relatives and just strangers about betrayal, bullying, deception, girls cultivate a sense of confidence that all men are the same. “If everyone faces difficulties, then why am I better?” This is a huge misconception.

Yes, people love to talk about problems. But this does not mean that they are all unhappy in their family life. Probably, it is customary to remain silent about happiness, not because it does not exist, but because women are afraid to jinx it. In addition, the fate of each person is unique and inimitable.

Own negative experience

It happens that you come across a rotten apple or an expired chocolate bar, and you experience hostility and disgust for this product for a long time. Sometimes hatred of men is formed according to the same principle. Young girls and quite mature women often fall in love with the “wrong” men. Having received a negative experience, they begin to hate other males. Unfortunately, this is a fairly common phenomenon, from which not only the ladies themselves suffer, but also their gentlemen, who receive a negative answer.

High expectations

A woman says she hates men because they don't live up to her expectations. Perhaps, from adolescence, the fair half of humanity develops a certain idea of an ideal life partner. Sometimes this is a collective image that consists of heroes of novels and TV series, celebrities and businessmen. Trying the given parameters on others, you find out that there are no ideal ones. As a result, disappointment and hatred gradually mature in a woman - a bad feeling that does not allow her to live normally and enjoy a romantic relationship.

Story one. Valyukha

Valya is a thin, tall brunette. A well-read intellectual, slightly out of this world. Valyukha hates men for ideological reasons: he considers them stupid animals. They live, they say, by instincts alone: they just want to eat, and even this very thing, it’s a simple matter...

As soon as she meets someone, the guy first goes to a restaurant and tries to drag her into bed that same evening. You might think that every woman has it written right on her forehead: “I’ll give myself for a meatball.”

Keep your pocket wider, you've attacked the wrong one! For her fees, Valyukha herself can open a couple of shelters for the homeless, with free lunches. The approach to her will be more difficult: first, tell me why you even live in the world, you miracle pea? Has anyone felt better because you have been trampling this land for so many years?

By the way, Man - this should sound proud. Doesn't it sound? Then past the cash register, my friend. And everyone can eat and reproduce: both a bug and a spider. You don't need a lot of intelligence here.

In short, Valyukha already has a gag reflex for all this. For a long time she was looking for a Man in a man - so that his thoughts were a little above the belt and his feelings were romantic. I never found it. Apparently, they are a dead-end branch of evolution. She spat.

From love to hate one step…

If a woman has never had any prejudices, prejudices and fears towards men, this does not mean that relationships with the opposite sex will develop smoothly. It’s not for nothing that they say that from love to hate there is only one step. Even the strongest relationships can crack, and a woman may develop a feeling of hatred towards the person who was her most beloved yesterday. The reasons for this may be the following:

A man's denial of female dignity. This can manifest itself in numerous infidelities that a man does not even try to hide. Another humiliating situation is comparison with previous partners. Having heard that the ex was better in bed, in the kitchen, and even outwardly won, not a single lady will be able to maintain tender feelings for her husband.
Physical and mental violence. At the stage of courtship and building relationships, men are usually gallant and caring. Nevertheless, as people begin to build a common life and get used to each other, a person can show himself completely differently. So, if during domestic quarrels a man begins to use force to prove that he is right, it is difficult to maintain love for him. Also, manifestations of rudeness and aggression can migrate into intimate life.
If a man attaches too much importance to other people's opinions, this will soon negatively affect the relationship. If he consults in everything with friends, colleagues, relatives, and not with his wife, this will certainly become a reason for hostility.
The phrase “I hate you” is often said to their husbands by those women whom they are trying to force into rigid boundaries. If a representative of the stronger sex forces his wife to dress, talk, and behave in such a way that her friends or relatives will like her, this is already an unhealthy relationship. The woman will either lose her individuality or begin to accumulate anger towards her husband.
Fortunately, there are quite a lot of such examples when a man retains all his positive qualities during family life. But here, too, there can be a place for hatred on the part of a woman. The reason most often is new love or a man you like. Then all the virtues of the spouse begin to literally irritate. In this case, you need to give yourself time. Either the new feelings will dissipate and everything will return to its place, or the only way out will be separation.
Excessive workload is another reason to treat your spouse negatively. Cooking, cleaning, caring for children, dacha chores - all this and much more falls on women’s shoulders. It does not matter whether the woman works or the role of breadwinner lies with the husband. Without a single minute of free time to spend on herself, the woman begins to quietly hate her husband, who refuses to take on even a small part of the household chores.

Manifestations

Women suffering from misandry do not always avoid communicating with men. But often their line of behavior indicates a lack of trust in them. This can manifest itself in the desire to control and control the guy’s every step.

In addition, misandry can manifest itself in ridicule, rudeness, and simply unsightly behavior. Sometimes women look for a reason to accuse a man of something or provoke him to be rude.

Very often this attitude is passed on to children. They become withdrawn, distrustful or rude. They find it difficult to find their place in society and feel rejected.

I hate my husband - what should I do?

Most romantic films and books about love end with a wedding. But, as practice shows, in real life, after marriage, a completely new period begins with its own subtleties and difficulties. Quite suddenly, a woman may admit to herself: “I hate my husband.” What to do? Psychologists give the following recommendations:

First you need to calm down and carefully analyze the situation. You have to understand, is hatred a feeling or an emotion? It is quite possible that this is some kind of cloudiness caused by a strong quarrel or misdeed of the spouse. Rest, relax, and everything will pass. If hatred runs like a red thread through your relationship and has no specific reason, most likely the union cannot be saved.
Imagine that tomorrow you will get divorced and continue your life without your spouse. Moreover, you will never see him again. How do you like this prospect? If you feel fear, melancholy and even panic, urgently make peace with your husband and try to find a way out of the situation together. If such fantasies bring you peace and relief, then your union has outlived its usefulness.
Learn to forgive. Hatred is a bad feeling that destroys a person from the inside. Think about whether your spouse’s misdeeds are so serious that you should be angry with him? Divide a piece of paper into two parts and write down all the faults and good deeds of your lover. Perhaps the positive qualities will outweigh.
Don't look for flaws in your spouse. Pay attention only to his positive qualities (namely, what made you love him). If there are negative traits that you cannot come to terms with, try to solve the problem together rather than reproach your lover.
Learn to discuss problems. The longer you remain silent, the more resentment and hatred will accumulate in your soul. In this case, the dialogue should be conducted gently, giving the spouse the opportunity to express his point of view. If you take this practice as a rule, then you will forget about family scandals, because all disagreements will be resolved through constructive dialogue.
Do not hurry. If you give in to a momentary impulse, you can make an irreparable mistake. It is better to give each other a little time for reconciliation than to regret a premature break in the relationship.

Is it worth living in an atmosphere of tension and hatred?

If you have ever told your man: “I hate you!” - this is not just a release of emotions. This means that this feeling has been living in you for a long time. This is evidence of a relationship crisis, from which it is not always possible to find a way out. As a rule, in such situations, spouses try to give their relationship a second life, breathing more romance into it. As a rule, these are joint romantic trips, trips to restaurants and other pleasant things that you can do together. But, unfortunately, resentment and hatred towards the man persists, despite all efforts. At this moment, you need to answer the question of whether it is worth continuing to live in an atmosphere of tension and hatred. Think about the motives that make you continue to try to maintain such a relationship? Children, money, a comfortable life, habit - all these factors are not worth spending your life on such a union? Perhaps separation will be the only way out that will bring you peace and give you a chance for personal happiness.

Ways to combat misandry

Misandry is a disease. It ruins a woman's quality of life. It is important to recognize the problem and consult a doctor at the first symptoms. Now there are specialized centers for providing psychological assistance. To treat misandry, scientific methods of behavioral (behavioral) and cognitive psychotherapy are used.

Behavioral psychotherapy

The use of behavioral psychotherapy does not involve the patient describing his feelings and emotions. On the contrary, in this treatment the emphasis is on minimal penetration into the internal state of the individual. Therapy is carried out according to the following scheme:

Functional analysis. During the appointment, the doctor asks a series of questions that will help conduct a behavior analysis. They are compiled by a psychologist based on the essence of the patient’s problem. Sometimes the initial assessment stage takes from one to six months.
Implementation. From this moment the training of implemented behavioral skills begins. The patient, who has answered the questions himself and identified the problem, begins to artificially incorporate skills into everyday life that can change the philosophy of his behavior. For example, a girl always fell into a state of hysteria when communicating with a man. While working through this problem, at a moment close to a breakdown, she forces herself to stop and continue communication in a calm tone.
Completion. Therapy is considered successful and can be completed when a balanced conversation without panic and screaming becomes the norm for the patient. She no longer makes efforts to smooth out the situation. Everything happens by itself.

After behavioral therapy, the patient becomes his own psychologist. In the process of treatment, he studies his reactions to irrational behavior. By returning to the plan that was drawn up during therapy, a person can independently cope with the problem.

Cognitive therapy

With this type of therapy, attention is paid to the patient’s internal state, his desires and thoughts. Treatment involves communication with a psychologist.

The main goals of cognitive therapy are to understand the influence of the patient’s thoughts on behavior and emotions. You need to identify negative thoughts that are out of control and observe them. Psychotherapy is carried out in several stages:

Diary of thoughts. In the first stage, the patient independently writes down his thoughts and worries. This helps him track what he thinks about most often during the day. Based on these notes, the doctor makes a list of negative thoughts.
Distance. The patient, together with the doctor, determines that a particular thought causes a negative impact on the internal state. Also, all the pros and cons of this idea are presented on paper and its reassessment is carried out.
Replacement. This stage of therapy is considered final. This is where negative emotions are replaced with positive ones. The patient is asked not to return to irrational thoughts and change his attitude towards what happened. For example, if a person suffered a difficult childhood, they find positive aspects in this, namely: “It was a school of life, I became emotionally resistant to pain, and every hour my psyche becomes stronger.”
Action plan. Compiled after completion of therapy. It will help to overcome oneself if destructive thoughts begin to return to the patient.

To achieve quick and high-quality results, behavioral and cognitive therapies are carried out together.

A bit of female experience

How often do women say the word “hate”? Former, present and completely strangers men. Representatives of the fair sex explain their dislike for the opposite sex as follows:

the man opens his arms, not embarrassed by the presence of children;
the husband brings the woman to hysterics and nervous breakdowns when they are alone, but in public he tries to seem like an ideal family man;
the husband does not respect women’s work (lying on the sofa in front of the TV while the wife is knocked down trying to keep the house in order);
if, despite the many concessions that the wife makes to her spouse, he continues to be a tyrant, you need to leave him without fear of becoming a single mother;
a man humiliates a woman based on her gender, considering her an inferior being;
a man blames his wife for all his failures and shortcomings;
he doesn’t do anything in the house (he doesn’t care about repairs, old plumbing, broken sockets);
the man speculates on the financial issue and the fact that the woman is financially dependent on him;
he cheats without even trying to hide it (moreover, love affairs are considered a source of pride);
after entering into family life, a man ceases to treat a woman with the former trepidation and respect, does not give her gifts, does not take her out into the world, does not pay attention;
shows cruelty towards children.

How to forgive your ex and stop hating him

How to get rid of hatred towards men? If this feeling is caused by resentment against your ex, you need, as one well-known song says, “forgive and let go.” On the way to this goal you will have to take the following steps:

Understand the reasons for your hatred. If you're having a hard time, put your grievances against your ex in writing. Add to each point by describing your feelings. This will help throw out negative emotions and ease your state of mind.
Remember what expectations and dreams you had with your ex. Have they all come true? Mentally thank him for everything that has come true. And make those desires that remain unfulfilled the goal of a further fulfilling life.
Try to understand his motivation. Put yourself in your ex's shoes and mentally replay in your head all the critical moments of your relationship. It is quite possible that you will not find excuses for his behavior, but at least partially you will be able to understand.
Forgive yourself. Your hatred of your ex is not only resentment for unjustified expectations, but also the fear of repeating the scenario. Forgive yourself for this weakness and allow yourself to live a new free life.
Check yourself. Imagine that you met your ex on the street or in the company of friends. Will you be able to talk to him as if there were no grudges or hatred? If yes, then you are ready for a new life full of bright sensations and romantic feelings.
When things calm down, be sure to talk to your ex. Tell him about all the experiences that haunted you during your life together and after breaking up. Ask him for the same frankness. Perhaps this conversation will be a good lesson for both of you, which will save you from mistakes in future relationships.
Conduct a final self-analysis. Perhaps you have experienced conflict situations similar to those that arose with your ex before. Let this become science for you for the future. Never repeat previous mistakes or allow similar scenarios to happen again.

How to cope with surging emotions?

It's very difficult to stop hating. How to cope with attacks of anger during which you literally take your breath away? After all, it is not always possible to simply let off steam or throw out your feelings directly on the object of hatred.

The following will help reduce the intensity of negative experiences and curb them:

distraction from thoughts, switching attention;
creativity, because hatred can be expressed in drawing, in music;
sports: running or boxing, a person splashes out his anger;
deep breathing, counting to yourself to 10 and exhaling forcefully during a sudden attack of anger;
writing stories or keeping a diary, which describes in detail the sensations experienced and their reasons;
frank conversation with a loved one;
seeking help when possible.

It is difficult to predict what exactly will help curb hatred. This is largely determined by who exactly the person experiences strong negativity towards. If the object of hostility is a work colleague, then it makes sense to seek help from your superiors and achieve a division in the schedule or a transfer to another room.

But what about those who hate their own family members? The best options in such a situation would be sports, painting or music. If we are talking about hatred between brothers or sisters, then if you have a normal relationship with your parents, you can turn to them for help.

You need to understand that taking control of your negative emotions is an extremely difficult task. There are no universal ways to stop hating. What helped one person will be useless to another. Sometimes it is possible to cope with negative feelings only with help from a psychologist.

Men hate too

The strongest feeling is hatred. It can destroy even the most sincere love and ardent passion. Sometimes the hatred between the sexes is mutual. One flow of negative energy provokes a counter flow. Thus, counting on mutual understanding with the opposite sex, it is worth knowing why a man might hate his woman:

Excessive passion and initiative. Ardent caresses, as in films for adults, are actually not always pleasant for a man. This should be a rare exception, not a tradition. Still, the stronger sex wants to take the initiative and not obey.
Manipulation of intimacy not only irritates men, but literally drives them crazy. First of all, this does not apply to single people as much as to married people. If a woman, at the slightest disagreement, “takes revenge” by lack of intimacy, this is a direct path to mutual hatred.
Most men hate women who pretend to be touchy and shy. Of course, we are not talking about throwing ourselves on the necks of representatives of the stronger sex at the first meeting. But if the relationship has reached a more serious stage, the behavior of a “nun” or “bluestocking” can simply offend a man and even form complexes in him.
Men cannot stand women who are biased towards the stronger sex, believing that they only have “one thing” on their minds. This is a kind of humiliation and an accusation of narrow-mindedness. Thinking about men in this way, you can hardly count on a respectful and reverent attitude towards yourself.
Men hate women who shift the entire burden of responsibility for their joint happiness and well-being onto them. These are some kind of “princess and a pea” who expect active actions from their lover, without taking any steps towards them.
Men don't like women who are insecure about their appearance. Have you noticed that self-critical beauties are less likely to be happy in their personal lives than self-confident ladies, whom nature has not awarded such outstanding data? If you don’t love yourself and constantly focus on your flaws, a man will sooner or later believe in your “unattractiveness.”
Another factor of hatred is the refusal to take care of yourself some time after the start of a relationship. Many ladies, thinking that they have already got a man, relax. They stop wearing beautiful lingerie and feminine clothes. Moreover, they allow themselves to walk around with unwashed hair and unkempt nails. Naturally, a man does not want to be with such a woman, which is why mutual resentment and hatred arise.
Like ladies, men carry over their attitude towards the opposite sex from childhood. If he had a problematic relationship with his mother, some other relative, or even a school teacher, most likely he will harbor a grudge against the entire fair sex.

The second story. My

Against the background of my girlfriend, I’m like Tarapunka next to Plug. Little smiling little bun. And to be honest, I’m even a little jealous of Valyukhin’s problems. I would like such a fierce Beast: “Kolobok-Kolobok, I will eat you!” - and how he would grab him with his strong paws, how he would throw him onto the bed...

But no. All my life I have come across not men, but complete misunderstandings. Guitar under my arm, waist-deep hair, droopy eyes. How my dear one will sing about the lofty and pure... Just a cry from the soul, not understood by anyone. You immediately want to pick it up and warm it, caress and cherish it.

I mean, I wanted it earlier. Because of youth and stupidity. I’ve already been hired and I don’t want to. Now, if I may say so, I simply hate such men. Because I work, I raise the children, I stand at the stove and clean the apartment, I again. What is he? Nothing. He either has an existential crisis or depression due to chronic restlessness. My little princess... Well, of course, my head hurts every night. Treated with beer - to no avail. Scumbag.

And it would be nice if these philosophers lived the way they write in their songs. Yes, bullshit: not a drop of decency. One of these was strumming under my nose for 13 years. He was fed and watered at my expense, fathered two children, and then flew off to a girl half his age. Now she is strumming about high things. Only drafts of his immortal opuses remained as alimony. And I would sell it, but no one wants it for nothing.

Parallel universes

In a word, it boiled over: both for me and for Valyukha. We started getting together for coffee almost every evening. Let's spit poison at the men and it will feel better for a while. Fine!

Only somewhere in the back of my mind the same thought looms: it’s still turning out strange. There are, of course, no real men - they disappeared a long time ago. We both agree on this. But we imagine the phenomenon “a normal man” in completely different ways.

If only someone could show me a man who says “less words, more action”! Here's to you, dear, for a living and for the children for ice cream - and a wad of Crunch bills. And in the evening we go to a restaurant - refusals are not accepted. And now we’re sitting at a barbecue, with a red wine to drink. And with his eyes he eats the neckline of my jacket, then licks my legs. Well, it’s already clear to both of them what will happen after this dinner... By God, if I had seen this in reality, I would probably have collapsed into such a man’s arms as if I had been killed. First of all, out of surprise - does this really still happen in the world?

And at Valyukha such a seventh wonder of the world happens every other day. But she's sick. I think she’s also secretly jealous of me: the way the men sing my praises. I am always either Madonna or Great Woman. They sing literally. Well, such a pure and bright image comes out that how can such a woman be... well, this is the very thing... You can only talk to her about the meaning of life.

And doubt began to creep into my head over and over again: it turns out that my ideal exists, and not even in one copy. But not in my reality, but in Valyukhina’s. And her ideal is hitting my thresholds in the meantime. And no one is happy. Well, we’ll spit poison and go our separate ways, and then there will be melancholy... She’s lonely without love and heart-to-heart conversations, but I no longer have the strength to live without a reliable shoulder. Why is that?