A person’s despotism is determined by his inability to take into account the opinions and rights of other people. The behavior of this type of personality is characterized by such traits as aggressiveness and vindictiveness, and the main striking feature of manifesting oneself as a person is expressed in the harsh suppression of any attempt by a controlled person to realize his will. How can you recognize a tyrant by sight and prevent his influence from spreading to yourself and your loved ones?
What does a despotic person mean?
Polish philosopher Stanislaw Jerzy Lec described a tyrant as a person whose wounds constantly emit rivers of someone else's blood. Modern psychologists believe that, despite the metaphorical nature of this statement, it most accurately characterizes a despotic person who projects all his old grievances and doubts onto his current relationships with others.
A despot is rarely able to achieve real respect, since he lacks objectivity and is unable to create even an adequate illusion of justice, but he is almost never aware of his true position in the eyes of other people. For a person who is mentally healthy and has good self-esteem, the attempts of a despot to subjugate him to his will can only cause natural rejection, reluctance to communicate with him anymore, but not fear or the need to give in. For this reason, only individuals of an inert type, dependent, codependent, fall under the influence of a power-hungry person.
How to understand whether a person is oppressive or not? The despot’s pedantry at work and at home is brought to pathological proportions, and by establishing strict rules of behavior, everyday life and appearance of others, he does not take into account anyone’s wishes except his own. Covering up his actions with high moral ideals and the unquestioning “this is how it should be, because this is how it should be,” the domestic tyrant does not even accept logically substantiated arguments against.
How does despotism manifest itself?
The most common form of despotism is family despotism. It usually manifests itself in the form of physical abuse or psychological abuse. One of the partners tries to completely subjugate the other, putting pressure on him by any means available to him. A despotic person completely ignores other people's desires, rights, freedoms and boundaries of personal space. He perceives all family members as property, but he himself believes that he loves them.
As a rule, a despot is a very touchy and vindictive person who perceives his behavior as a way of restoring justice. Through his actions, he tries to punish the offending family member, and this helps him look better in his own eyes. Also, such behavior allows him to increase his own self-esteem and restore damaged self-esteem.
A despot always strives to subjugate those around him and force them to act according to his orders. Despite this, he does not know how to be a leader at all. Due to his aggressive position, he can force others to obey him, but cannot inspire respect in them. In addition, he is not able to resolve conflict situations; instead, he himself constantly provokes conflicts. Such behavior leads to the fact that over time the despot causes only fear, hostility and complete misunderstanding in those around him.
How to recognize a despot?
The main behavioral signs of a despotic person are:
- The target's desire to take control of everyone who shows interest in him (anyone), and then the desire to maintain this control at any cost.
- Vengefulness, always developing in two directions - in relation to controlled objects to intimidate them and in relation to those who managed to leave the tyrant’s sphere of influence.
- The need to morally and physically humiliate people, which always happens openly, demonstratively.
- An unmistakable “feeling” that determines when surrounded by weak individuals who are not prone to moral resistance.
All despotic people are excellent manipulators, so at the very beginning of communication they can only be recognized by indirect signs. The final “revelation” of character occurs when the tyrant encounters resistance against himself or feels the complete subordination of those around him and no longer considers it necessary to hide his true “I”.
Characteristic signs of a despot
Recognizing such an individual from the outside is very problematic. To do this, you need to talk to him and look at his actions, evaluate his words and statements. Only after such a rapprochement can one draw conclusions and try to avoid communication with him. Still, nothing meaningful will come of it.
Pay attention to:
- An obsessive desire to keep under control all those who are close to him. Cunning and cunning do not allow him to open up in conversations with strangers. nature fully manifests itself only in communication with loved ones. And for this you will have to endure his antics a little.
- Extremely vindictive. Will not forget any little thing. He will try to take revenge and punish at any opportunity.
- The desire to humiliate. We should be wary when we see that all the jokes are of an evil nature and ridicule.
- Has a strong instinct for the weak-willed. It will accurately identify a potential victim who is unable to fully resist pressure.
- Insanely jealous. Due to the highly developed sense of ownership, it requires complete obedience and control. Well, jealousy is often causeless and meaningless.
What is gaslighting?
The most common type of psychological violence used by a despot against his intended victim is called gaslighting. As a rule, this method of strong moral pressure is used to induce obedience to the “obstinate” other half, and less often – to manipulate parents, sisters, and brothers.
How does gaslighting manifest itself? After a relatively calm “entry” into the relationship, the despot begins with his behavior, gradually pushing the victim to various critical remarks, tears, expressions of resentment, etc. After an act of provocation, when a negative message has already been made, the tyrant again returns to a state of complacency, and the indignant response is “ takes him by surprise." That is, “he did nothing wrong” and does not understand “what he did to deserve” such treatment. It is clear that the victim feels confused, guilty and tries to earn the tyrant’s forgiveness.
A similar scenario of events in different presentations is played out many times, and in the end the victim herself comes to the conclusion that she is the initiator of the scandals, although in fact she was skillfully led to this each time. In this way, a despotic person undermines the self-esteem of his “chosen one,” making him convenient for further manipulation.
At the same time, so that in the circle of acquaintances of the victim there is no one who could point out to her the true state of affairs, the tyrant tries to alienate his companion from friends and relatives. Most often, the method of two-way influence is used - the victim is told that the only one who loves and understands her is her powerful lover, and acquaintances are told various unsightly things about the girl. Having created a vacuum around the subject, the tyrant comes into complete possession of the desired object.
Message from Alexis de Tocqueville
| I want to imagine in what new forms despotism will develop in our world: I see countless crowds of equal and similar people who spend their lives in a tireless search for small and vulgar joys that fill their souls. Each of them, taken individually, is indifferent to the fate of all the others; his children and closest friends constitute for him the entire human race. As for other fellow citizens, he is close to them, but does not see them; he touches them, but does not feel them; he exists only by himself and only for himself. And if he still has a family, then we can at least say that he has no fatherland. Above all these crowds rises a gigantic protective power, providing everyone with pleasures and monitoring the fate of everyone in the crowd. This power is absolute, meticulous, fair, prudent and affectionate. It could be compared to parental influence if its task, like parental influence, was to prepare a person for adult life. Meanwhile, this power, on the contrary, strives to preserve people in their infant state. She would like citizens to enjoy themselves and not think about anything else. She willingly works for the common good, but at the same time wants to be the sole authority and arbiter. She takes care of the safety of the citizens, provides for and provides for their needs, facilitates their enjoyment, takes charge of their main affairs, manages their industry, regulates the rights of inheritance and deals with the division of their inheritance. Why shouldn’t she completely deprive them of the restless need to think and live in this world? It is in this way that this power makes recourse to freedom of choice less and less useful and rarer; it constantly narrows the sphere of action of the human will, gradually depriving each individual citizen of the opportunity to use all his abilities. Equality has fully prepared people for this state of affairs: it has taught them to put up with it, and sometimes even perceive it as some kind of good. After all the citizens have passed through the strong embrace of the ruler in turn and he has molded them into what he needs, he extends his mighty hands to society as a whole. He covers it with a network of small, florid, uniform laws that prevent the most original minds and strong souls from rising above the crowd. He does not crush the will of people, but softens it, bends and directs it; he rarely encourages action, but constantly resists anyone acting on his own initiative. It does not destroy anything, but prevents the birth of something new. He does not tyrannize, but interferes, suppresses, irritates, extinguishes, stupefies and ultimately turns the entire people into a herd of timid and hardworking animals, whose shepherd is the government. I have always been confident that this form of slavery, quiet, measured and peaceful, the picture of which I have just depicted, could be combined, although it is difficult to imagine, with some external attributes of freedom and that it could well be established even in the shadow of popular power . Our contemporaries are constantly haunted by two conflicting feelings. They feel the need to be led, and at the same time the desire to remain free. Unable to overcome either of these conflicting instincts, citizens try to satisfy both of them at once. They would like to have a single, protective and omnipotent power, but chosen by themselves. They would like to combine centralization with the power of the people, this would somehow pacify them. Being under guardianship, they reassure themselves that they chose their guardians themselves. Democracy in America |
Reasons for autocratic behavior
What kind of a despotic person is this? Psychologists have no doubt that people are not born tyrants, nor do they suddenly become tyrants at a later age. The makings of despotic behavior are formed in a person in childhood due to the development of one of the following factors:
- upbringing in a family where the child’s opinion did not play a role;
- parental instillation in the child that he is exceptional and his position is significantly higher than that of others;
- the presence of several children in a family who are forced to fight for the attention of adults (perhaps for better clothes, toys, etc.);
- frequent humiliation of a child by relatives or peers due to his physical or moral characteristics.
Violent actions of a father against a mother in the presence of children or parents against one child in the presence of another sometimes gives rise to a subconscious desire in the witness of the execution to join the strong side, so as not to “get caught.” Over time, this repeated feeling of false security can also cause the child to consciously take on the role of the abuser.
Characteristics of a male despot
A fairly common situation is when the husband and father turn out to be the despot in the family. Since the man is usually much stronger, such relationships are often accompanied by physical violence. In this case, the spouse often chooses the wrong tactics. She gives in to her husband in everything and tries in every possible way to please him, hoping that this way he will become kinder. Of course, this leads to the opposite effect, and such relationships cannot be called happy.
To understand who a despot is, it is important to take into account the fact that such a person himself often does not realize the despotic nature of his behavior. Imagine a situation: a husband loves his wife, never resorts to violence, tries to provide her with such conditions that she does not work, but sits at home and raises children. But if you dig deeper, it turns out that he is simply trying to deprive his wife of freedom and independence, completely subjugating her to himself. Even if a woman initially likes such a union, over time the dependence begins to irritate her, and her feelings for the once beloved man cool down.
Atypical forms of despotism in family life
Even in a family with a clear division into a strong male half and a weak female half, the spouse can act as an aggressor and despot. Lacking the opportunity to use physical force against a man, women often use their main weapon - verbal humiliation of their partner. If the husband does not give in to provocations or responds in kind, insults are replaced by blackmail or direct threats.
Starting from the age of three, the need to demonstrate their leadership qualities in children also increases. The most acute periods of the need for self-affirmation and general recognition of its significance occur in a child at 3-5 and 13-15 years old, which is reflected both in his behavior and in increasing demands on the actions of others.
Woman despot: what is she like?
A woman despot is not such a rare occurrence. Representatives of the fair sex can also be overly powerful and authoritarian. This can manifest itself in different areas: work, family, love relationships. Moreover, if a despot man usually strives to dominate everywhere, then a despot woman can limit herself to one area. For example, at work she can be a quiet gray mouse, but in the family she can be a powerful vixen, or vice versa.
A despot woman is neurotic, suspicious and distrustful of the world. Due to psychological problems, she cannot satisfy her need for security. This encourages her to control and subjugate everyone around her. If she comes across a weak and insecure partner, her despotism will bloom in full bloom.
The aggressor and his victim
In childhood, all events and human actions are perceived by a person from the point of view of polar meanings “bad” or “good”. When faced with a traumatic situation, a child always identifies his personality with one of the parties, taking on the role of “victim” or “tormentor”, and in the future already adheres to this state, recognized by the psyche as “comfortable”.
Growing up, the “victim” will strive to connect with his missing part of his personality - more confident, powerful, able to fight back. Thus, seeing before her an example of who she herself would like to be, she will experience the illusion of “processing” an unpleasant event experienced in childhood, but will not actually deviate from her role.
In turn, the “tormentor” will not be able to live without the projection of his prevailing capabilities. He needs to receive constant confirmation of his strength, impunity, ability to control and suppress. At the same time, the “victim” is not assigned a secondary role, because in her ability to suffer, show generosity, and forgive, the aggressor finds the missing elements of his own, flawed personality.
Tyrant husband
A despotic person, which means domineering, narcissistic, is a great grief for the family, especially if the spouse chooses the tactic “a bad peace is better than a good quarrel.” Of course, counter-aggression is also not a solution - then family life turns into an open struggle for the title of “who is stronger,” but agreeing with a dependent position will not be a relief for a woman.
Male tyranny in the family first manifests itself in small things against the backdrop of a benevolent and generally prosperous environment. The husband relieves his wife of most of the responsibility, shows himself as a friend and adviser, and only then it is discovered that this was done for the sole purpose of depriving the woman of her independence and freedom of expression.
But even having achieved his goal, a despotic person, by definition, cannot stop. He will find more and more reasons to be dissatisfied, and the woman will have to either come to terms with the eternal fate of the “guilty head”, or completely eliminate the tyrant from her life. Unfortunately, it is not possible to correct a despot husband or somehow shake him into confidence in his own rightness.
The main psychological signs of female tyranny:
- manic desire for power and control over everyone;
- manipulation of husband and children in their own interests;
- emotional coldness and severity;
— inflated egoism and narcissism;
- does not tolerate any objections or criticism;
— emotional and physical violence against household members;
- commercialism, almost everything is done for her own benefit;
- inability to compromise and solve problems constructively.
These are not all the psychological characteristics of a despotic woman, they can be continued, but I have highlighted the most common traits. Conclusion is a person who strives to dominate and rule over others, control them and impose his opinion, using aggression and scandals to achieve the implementation of his decision.
Tyrant woman
Women's tyranny is for the most part considered a means of adaptation to environmental conditions and is much less likely than men's to be a consequence of the moral need to enjoy someone's humiliation. Of course, there are many power-hungry housewife wives or ladies who use methods of suppressing the will of others to compensate for their feelings of insecurity, but mostly in the female version, despotism is situational in nature.
Thus, one can observe the development of tyrannical traits in a woman after working for a long time in a leadership position in a male team or if her work activity takes place in law enforcement agencies. In an environment where the expression of toughness is no longer required (for example, at home), a woman's behavior changes dramatically, and she becomes sensitive, kind and attentive.
Why don't husbands leave the family tyrant?
Because they were most likely raised by the same family tyrant, only it could be the father, not necessarily the mother. The poor child was beaten, slapped, humiliated, and insulted from an early age. These are his childhood attitudes, he does not know that he can live without feeling guilty for some reason, without humiliating himself, he is used to being weak, childish, dependent on other people’s opinions and strength. So an immature, spineless and codependent little man grew up. By the way, such men often become alcoholics or drug addicts, and may suffer from other types of codependency, such as gambling addiction. The easiest way is to continue to exist, without drawing any conclusions from your previous childhood life, not to bother and not to defend yourself, it’s simpler and clearer. What a pity! The worst thing in this situation is that people really often don’t realize that they themselves provoke and attract monster women to themselves, indulging them and playing by their rules, without feeling the strength or will in themselves.
How to help a despot and is it necessary to do so?
A despotic person does not disdain the desires of other people because they seem insignificant to him, but because he is afraid of losing his own importance in the eyes of other people. At a consultation with a psychologist, where the issue of despotism of one of the spouses is raised in the name of saving the marriage, the specialist always first finds out the areas of non-realization of the aggressor’s own capabilities and then works in these directions.
What does psychological therapy consist of with a person whose tyrannical tendencies have put family life in jeopardy:
- eliminating the inferiority complex;
- concentration on the development of true virtues with gradual disposal of false ones;
- finding reference points for self-affirmation using existing abilities and talents;
- developing a respectful attitude towards others.
The key point in therapy is the moment when the oppressive person gains the ability to admit that he is wrong. In fact, this fact is considered one of the most important, since the tyrant always considers himself to be right, and his opinion to be unquestioningly true. When a person recognizes that in some situations the opinions of others may seem more valuable than his own, he can engage in dialogue and find compromises.
Unfortunately, not in all cases of turning to a specialist is it possible to transform a domestic despot into a person with a healthy attitude towards interpersonal communications. If a miracle does not happen, the only way out for the suppressed spouse from a traumatic relationship will be separation from the aggressor.
Signs of an oppressive personality
It is important to understand that the essence of a despot is not revealed immediately. He can be friendly and responsive with people he doesn't know well. The degree of despotism grows as we get closer. The despot treats the people closest to him almost as if they were inanimate objects - he completely appropriates them and considers them his property.
How to recognize a despot at the initial stage of communication? Pay attention not only to how a person treats you, but also to how he behaves with his parents, children, and close friends.
Look out for the following signs.
- Vengefulness. Despotic individuals hold grudges for a very long time and hatch plans for revenge. Moreover, the size of the punishment is often disproportionate to the size of the offense. For example, they may seriously wish the death of a person who was rude to them in line at the post office.
- The desire to control loved ones. Despots want to be aware of everything that happens to their loved ones. They demand to be accountable to and do not tolerate secrecy. In love relationships, despotic individuals are extremely jealous and do not give their partner a single drop of freedom.
- Insults and humiliation. If a person is constantly verbally aggressive towards other people, try to stay away from him. Most likely, despotism is inherent in him to one degree or another.
- The habit of asserting oneself at the expense of others. Despots easily identify weak and insecure people. They use them as “feed” for their self-esteem, applying various methods of psychological pressure to them.
- Lack of self-criticism. A normal, adequate person is able to evaluate his actions critically and admit mistakes. The same cannot be said about a despot. He considers himself right in any situation and does not recognize alternative points of view. There is no use arguing with him.
- Painful pride. Autocratic individuals have extremely unstable self-esteem. Therefore, they can regard even harmless actions of people as an insult and an attempt to humiliate them. Someone looked the wrong way, didn’t shake hands during a greeting, didn’t laugh at a joke - all these are reasons to “punish” a person.
