How to forgive your husband's betrayal and move on? Should I leave or stay? Will it happen again?
In this article, I will tell you why your man might have cheated on you, and how you can forgive him for it. It’s up to you to decide whether to stay or leave, because all cases are unique, and I have no right to give recommendations on this matter.
- Step #1: Acceptance and Forgiveness
As a psychologist, I can say that both men and women have strictly defined reasons for cheating. In this article, I will present to you the five most common reasons that push men to cheat, and also tell you how to forgive the betrayal and get out of the depressed state in which you are now. And I will help you establish a relationship with a man and save your family, if that is your goal.
Finding out about cheating is like learning about a serious incurable disease. You have a clear choice. Having learned about the disease, you can instantly age ten years, fall ill and live in depression for the last six months. Or you can look at your life from the other side and, having found the strength within yourself, finally start living the way you always wanted. Run in the morning, do what you love, show all your love to your loved ones and sincerely enjoy life. In the second case, you can live up to a hundred years, and a sudden illness will go away without a trace.
Same with betrayal. You have a choice - you can become depressed and, having separated from your husband, curse all men in the world for the rest of your days and die in splendid isolation. Or you can take a close look at the relationship that existed between you. Did you do everything as it should? Did he do everything right? Maybe this betrayal is the key to you radically reconsidering your relationship? Let's try to understand this together.
So, how to forgive your husband’s betrayal and move on – read this article.
Key words
As a psychologist, I understand well what a woman experiences when her husband cheated on her. It is not easy to realize this betrayal and learn to live with this thought, with the understanding that the closest and dearest man can, while in a relationship with you, choose another person. Even more difficult is to accept your husband even after this terrible act, try to trust him again, improve relationships and learn lessons.
Now you need to live the pain you are experiencing and be in it. There is no need to fence yourself off from it, deny it or fight it. To be able to win the game, you need to accept its rules. I can go on for a long time about how bad your husband is, that he did this to you, lament, say: “How could he!”, “This is unworthy!”, “How can the earth even bear such people!” And such words really take place, regardless of the reasons for the betrayal, even if your responsibility also played a big role here. But in this way I will only cultivate the victim in you, pitying and blaming the other. Also, by blaming and criticizing your husband, I will only increase the time during which you can forgive him. And to forgive now is your main task, because you want to feel better. So let's get to it.
Is it worth taking revenge: expert opinion
Some girls, out of a desire to hurt the traitor just as much, choose the option of cheating on their husband in return. But this method has many disadvantages:
- If it is not in a woman's nature to have one-night stands, after having an affair with another man, she will hurt herself even more and hate herself for this act.
- There is a high probability that having cheated, the woman herself will refuse to return to her husband. She will reproach herself for going against her moral principles, but she is still forced to separate from her husband.
Not all unfaithful men agree that women have the right to do as they do. By cheating in response, the girl risks being accused by her husband of betraying him. A husband with a calm soul can break off relations with his partner, despite the fact that her action was caused by his infidelity.
For some women, revenge does not lie in retaliatory betrayal, but in the use of more sophisticated methods. For example, some inform all relatives, friends, colleagues, and neighbors about their husband’s betrayal in the hope of shaming the unfaithful spouse. Others choose the option of material damage: tearing or burning the husband’s clothes or other personal belongings, scratching the car, etc.
None of these methods of revenge will lead to restoration of relations between spouses. Using revenge, you can only get rid of negative emotions, but not bring your husband back.
Why did he cheat - 5 possible reasons
There are, of course, more than five reasons in life, but these five are the most common. The myth that many men cheat did not arise out of nowhere. The psychology of a man is such that he simply has much more reasons for cheating than a woman. For women, one of the main reasons for cheating is a lack of attention, and the desire to replenish this attention through another person. This is almost the only reason for female infidelity (the second is infidelity out of revenge). But for men the reasons are completely different:
Reason #1: Sexual dissatisfaction
Dissatisfaction with sex life is perhaps the most natural reason why a man might cheat. For men, it is especially important to regularly satisfy their physical needs, as well as some variety in their sexual life.
In order for this need for regularity and variety to be constantly satisfied over many years or even decades with the same partner, it is necessary to work tirelessly on yourself and on the relationship. And at the same time, it is important that both partners are interested in maintaining fidelity in the relationship. You can read about how to keep the fire in a relationship for many years in this article.
Reason #2: Competitiveness and self-affirmation
Men by nature are designed to be active, to win, and for this to fight, fight, stand out and compete. Thanks to the eternal need of the stronger sex for self-affirmation, humanity moves forward. The desire to win, capture and master is the main reason for scientific discoveries, new technologies, unusual devices and, in general, everything new that provokes evolution.
Often the competitive instinct is the underlying reason for cheating. It is natural for a man to assert himself. And if his wife is not a symbol of self-affirmation for him, then he will find this symbol elsewhere. What does it take to be a symbol of self-affirmation for a man? This is an individual question. For some, it is important that a woman be the most beautiful. For others, it is intelligence or character that matters. For the third - support. In general, a woman must understand what is the main factor of self-affirmation for her man, and correspond to it. Think about what is a reason for self-satisfaction for your husband? What makes him proud that you are his wife?
Reason #3: Dissatisfaction with values
Each person has their own values in relationships. It may be important for a man, for example, that a woman is beautiful and well-groomed, happy with life, inspiring, grateful, shares his beliefs, and is his friend. This is an example of a man's possible values in a relationship with a woman.
What are your man’s values? What is important to him in a relationship? Can you name at least five of his relationship values right now?
If relationships are built on the level of values - that is, you know each other’s values and, if possible, try to satisfy them, then this already indicates the maturity of your relationship. And if you have no idea what is most important to your husband in the family, then you probably don't talk much about deep topics, don't know each other well, and perhaps there is a lack of trust in your relationship.
Human needs tend to be satisfied regardless of circumstances. If you do not satisfy them consciously, your wise subconscious mind will do it for you. For example, you need attention and care, but you don’t let others understand this. Your body can do this for you, for example by getting sick. When you are ill, you will most likely satisfy your unspoken need: your family will show increased attention to you, your loved ones will take care of you, call you, inquire, worry. In this way, the need for care and attention will be satisfied. But at what cost!
I gave this simple example so that you understand that your partner's values and needs are always met, consciously or unconsciously. And it is in your interests that they are satisfied by you, and not someone else. To do this you need to talk to each other, trust and confide. Ask your partner what he wants and needs. Express your own needs in order to get them met, and thus stimulate him to talk about his desires and values.
Reason #4: Lack of energy
Men and women have different natures. A woman by nature is energetically charged, and she has this energy in abundance. But a man is always hungry, and, as a rule, he needs a woman to get energy. You can also read about this in the article on the psychology of sex.
The channel of female energy is unidirectional; a woman can give energy to only one man. This is due to natural instincts: a woman chooses one single man to procreate and take care of the offspring.
A man is sharpened in such a way that he can take energy from different sources, from many women. In this sense, a woman is a giver, and a man is a receiver. This is the main difficulty of maintaining monogamy - a woman needs to preserve and give energy to her man throughout her life. Otherwise, consciously or unconsciously, he will “quench his hunger” and satisfy his need for energy on the side. And it won't necessarily be cheating. For example, he can hire not a fifty-year-old assistant with rich life experience, but a young girl from whom he can be filled with energy. Or he can sign up not for boxing, but for yoga, in order to “get” energetically what he lacks at home. All this can happen completely unconsciously, and if the family does not pay enough attention to this, then over time it can develop into betrayal.
Read about how to establish the correct energy balance in a relationship, how to give a man energy throughout his life so that he does not need or want to take it from others.
Reason #5: Boredom
All of us, both men and women, sooner or later become bored in relationships. If your relationship has been going on for more than five years, you have already become familiar with each other's habits, your relationship has become close to routine, and life is probably starting to seem monotonous.
If you yourself live in the same role, you have a certain character and you tend to act in a certain way in all situations, then a man, as a polygamous creature, has an unbearable desire for variety. To prevent this from happening, you need to be different all the time. At the same time, it is also important to be able to feel your partner and adapt to him. If he is in a lively mood, you can support him in this and be playful. If he comes home angry and dissatisfied, then it is better to either be gentle and calm him down, or leave him alone. You need to be able, when necessary, to include in yourself a little princess, a wise queen, an evil witch, a cold-blooded man or a caring mother.
Only by being different and adapting to desires and needs can you make a polygamous man want to look only at you and remain faithful to you, regardless of the circumstances.
Responsibility versus guilt
I understand how great the risk is now of blaming my husband for all my troubles and falling into a state of self-pity. I understand how strong the resentment is and the thoughts that “I was betrayed,” “he is to blame,” “how could he,” “I would never do that.”
Unfortunately, such thoughts are a surrogate for self-love, and lead to nothing but loss of energy, powerlessness and the cultivation of a whining, pitiful part of the personality. They do not lead to action and only make you an even weaker person, and do not in any way contribute to further improvement of relations with your husband, rather the opposite. After all, only if you take, at least partially, responsibility for what happened and start doing something to prevent it from happening again, only in this case can you change something.
In order for you to get out of the impasse in which your relationship has now reached, and to create in your partner the desire to always be faithful to you, I wrote for you the book “Into a happy relationship through self-love.”
She will help you figure out what exactly happened between you, what problems created your husband’s desire to change, and how to solve them now so that it doesn’t happen again. In this book, I analyze all aspects of relationships, and tell you how to practically build relationships that are faithful to each other.
After reading the book, you will become a magnet for your loved one, strengthen and return passion and attraction, revive desire and interest. You will become the person you want to run home to from work and with whom you want to spend time. The book is written in a theory-practice format, and as you read, you will be able to immediately implement the acquired knowledge and improve the climate in your relationships.
As you might have guessed from the title, all of these things are based on self-love. Only by knowing yourself and learning to treat yourself with love will you be able to build healthy relationships in which no one will have the desire to look the other way.
You can read the full description of the book, read reviews and purchase the book using the link.
How to forgive your husband's betrayal and move on - 3 steps
It's already happened. Knowing the reason is important so that this does not happen again in your life, no matter with this man or with another. To prevent this from happening again, you definitely need to change something in the relationship. In any conflict, there are always two people to blame, and there is no need to abdicate responsibility and completely shift attention to the one who cheated. Men never cheat for no reason. In 95% of cases, the cause of infidelity is one of the five listed above. Therefore, to further build relationships in loyalty to each other, find your reason among them and from today begin to build relationships in a new way.
It doesn’t matter whether you are going to leave your husband or want to save the relationship and start building it differently, in fidelity and mutual respect. I present to you three steps you need to follow in order to forgive your husband and get out of the low emotional level you are currently at. So, how to forgive your husband’s betrayal and move on - three steps:
Step #1: Acceptance and Forgiveness
Go ahead. If you find out the reason why this happened, then frankly, calmly, without hysterics, talk to your husband about this reason. If the reason remains unclear to you, try to gently and patiently find out through a sincere conversation. If a man is interested in you forgiving him, he will do everything to convey to you the true essence of what happened.
Reasons such as “I couldn’t restrain myself” or “I got drunk and didn’t control myself” are not suitable. These are rather consequences of some deeper reason. If harmony, trust and understanding reign in your family, your man will never lose control of himself, this simply will not happen to him. Therefore, look deeper for the reason.
Try to get to the bottom of it together. If you feel that your husband is avoiding sincere confession, gently continue the conversation. Understand that life always returns us to the same situations until we learn our lesson. Until you get to the bottom of the true reason and are trying to turn a blind eye to it, the situation will repeat itself in your life again and again. Therefore, this is important first of all for you. Once you understand the reason, you should feel better.
Step #2: His Responsibility
The next step towards forgiveness should be the man's. He must take responsibility for what happened and do everything on his part so that you forgive him. Your role in this is to express what you don’t like, say what you would like to hear from him, talk about your needs.
If this seems difficult to you or you think that the man will not do as you ask, then you are probably in the role of a victim in the relationship. How to get out of it and learn to express everything that you don’t like and doesn’t suit you, read in this article.
Talk to your husband frankly and convey to him exactly what actions he must take in order for you to forgive him. What actions or words did he say that might help you forgive? Think about what needs to happen, what he should do or how to behave so that it will help you forgive?
Step #3: Letting Go
The last step in forgiveness should be the symbolic release of the offense. Write down on a piece of paper all the thoughts that you have related to this betrayal. All the thoughts you want to let go of. Write it yourself and ask your husband to do the same. There is no need to read each other's sheets. Crumple them and burn them together. It is advisable to do this near any body of water and float it along the water. Or, as a last resort, open the window and throw the burned sheet outside.
In order to be guaranteed to forgive betrayal, follow the forgiveness technique at the link. This way you will free yourself from the thoughts that oppress you and from now on you will be able to build relationships from scratch.
Should cheating be forgiven?
When considering whether to forgive your husband’s infidelity, it is worth recalling several arguments for reconciliation:
1. This could only happen once, absolutely by accident, and the man does not feel any feelings for his mistress. Especially if he apologized and repents of what he did.
2. Shared values. This could be children, business, housing. Is it worth losing this because of a single man's mistake?
3. Loneliness is always bad for any person.
4. Forgiveness is a noble act. He will let the man know that the one he cheated on is loving and strong. Most often, betrayal will not happen again.
However, there is another side to the coin - the constant infidelities of the husband, should I forgive this or not? If this is repeated systematically, it means it will continue until the devoted woman changes and again attracts the attention of her lover. In this case, there are only two options - to separate or turn a blind eye to infidelity.
How to survive
You must understand that after cheating, in any case, for some time (from several months to a year) you will experience an unpleasant oppressive feeling that will be difficult for your man to understand, and for you to explain to him in words.
You will be able to survive this, as well as safely and calmly live through all the emotions that await you - from denial and anger to depression and acceptance - much easier and faster with a psychologist. In this case, the psychologist will not only act as a supportive link, but will also help you forgive, and will also show you what exactly formed this man’s attitude towards you (your beliefs, self-esteem or childhood experience) and how you can change this so that you build only happy relationships , where both partners are faithful to each other.
I am a psychologist and provide consultations via Skype.
I can help you not only survive the current situation, but also understand why you found yourself in it and how you can build successful relationships in the future. On this page you can find more information about me to get to know me better.
You can sign up for a consultation with me through VKontakte, Instagram @litvinova_lara or the form on the website. You can find out about the cost of services and the scheme of work here. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work using the link.
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Forgiveness is freedom
And that's exactly what forgiveness is: freedom from the feelings that drag you down. Follow these tips or seek counseling if you're ready to begin your journey to freedom.
Author: Editorial staff of the Help-Point.net portal
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How to live on
If you decide to save your family and continue to live together, then you need to change that part of your relationship that led to the betrayal. For example, if dissatisfaction with values led to betrayal, then start talking more with your husband. Find out what is important to him in a relationship, what he would like. Tell us about your values too. Start satisfying each other's conscious and unconscious wishes. And over time, you will notice that the relationship has become more harmonious and happier.
If, for example, the reason for betrayal was the lack of variety in life, then the time has come to begin serious and fruitful work on yourself. To be different all the time, you need to develop yourself spiritually, read, receive more varied information and increase your awareness. As a rule, the less rich and varied a person’s life, the less flexible he is, the more difficult it is for him to change. Men are polygamous, which means that if we want them to be faithful to us, we essentially want to change them. And for this we need to constantly change ourselves.
